DYING INSIDE

I do not know where to begin. Did not want to post about this. Except I said when I started this blog that I wanted to be as real as possible, in not only helping myself, but helping others.

I have been hurting emotionally really bad these past few days. All the posts I have written of late, Living Guilt Free, Perfect People, Rejection, Critical Words, with the sprinkle of desiring to be intimate with God share exactly what I have been going through. A mish-mash! I wanted to be strong. God knows how much I desire my healing! But, I am at a point where I can cry at a drop of a hat, which I have been doing (so glad I had these days off from work). Becoming in touch with my feelings now, is extremely painful! When crying I go back and forth with the guilt, that I should not even be doing that. But, I have come to the conclusion not to be ashamed and let the tears flow! Recalling memories good and bad from my childhood appear so vivid.

Only thing I did, that I should not have, was buy a bottle of cheap red wine (I do not drink) and finished it off in an afternoon. I just wanted to numb for a bit. Temporary fix, I know. Instead, I got sick! Do I feel a failure that I could not rely on God during this time? Yes.

I feel so alone on my journey. Only God can take me places that I alone have to experience. Do I feel all the things I have talked about these past few days, guilty, shame, critical? Yeah. But, then again, I would never admit to feeling the feelings I am experiencing and facing them now if I was not healing. So, I do see progress despite my temporary steps backwards.

LIVING GUILT FREE

Wow!

Is that what I wrote as the title? "Living Guilt Free?" How awesome! How wonderful! How one day I will be set free from the shame of my past!! I am so very determined!! Are you?

I love how it is explained in meeting the "two different kinds of guilt" below.

Are you in an emotional battle because of guilt? Is your guilt a loving instrument of God used to convict, correct and conform your character when you go astray? Or do you battle feelings of shame and condemnation when guilt strikes a blow to your heart? True guilt is your friend, a godly companion who whispers truth and motivates you to repent and be free. But false guilt is a relentless foe. It is the enemy within that encourages not godly, but superficial sorrow that brings death!

In contrast to Satan’s condemning accusations, the Holy Spirit never condemns true Christians. Romans 8:1 says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” As a conscientious Father, God sometimes allows you to experience the consequences of your sin as an encouragement to change. But He will also produce in your heart a desire to do His will. (Read Hebrews 12:4-11.)

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (Philippians 2:13)

Meet two kinds of guilt: One is a friend who speaks truth, gently leading you to repentance and forgiveness. The other is a secret conspirator who taunts and condemns, bringing dishonor and inner shame. False guilt arises when you blame yourself even though you’ve committed no wrong or when you continue to blame yourself after you have confessed and turned from your sin.

In 1 Peter 5:8 it says, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (Hope for the Heart)

I look forward to taking the bag off my head completely one day!! Where the littlest thing does not bother me anymore. Where I do not have to reason out or make excuses for what I do out of guilt.

My worthiness is challenged every day. Sunday being the worst.

PERFECT PEOPLE

This song has meaning for me.

Let the words sink in!

The truth is there!

Then let God minister to you!

I listen to this song at least once a week. I am hoping the constant reminder will eventually sink in to my thick skull that I need not think I have to be perfect to be accepted!!!!

I am tiring of the many years of this lie.

God is up to something!

SQUASH THE LIE

Here is part 2 of my Thanksgiving Day.

"Has your heart been broken? Your spirit crushed? Nothing cuts to the core of your soul like rejection. Even death, while devastating, doesn't compare to the pain of knowing you've been abandoned. Rejection chips away your self-image, chisels down your confidence, and leaves you feeling hopeless and unworthy as the horrible message repeats again and again: "You are unwelcome. You are unwanted.

The enemy has only come to lie to us, kill and destroy us. The rejection we receive is ultimately from him — the person who outwardly does the rejecting is merely a pawn in his game. That rejection is a lie! Over time we begin to believe that lie until it finally becomes truth in our hearts. We can live a lifetime believing that lie. We can spend years and years covering for it, with pride, fear and rebellion. And these build walls — walls that imprison us — and isolate us from the ones we love.

We must refuse those lies that our enemy instilled in us. We must do the rejecting now! And then choose to believe God’s truths about us. That we are loved, protected, healed — blessed in every way."
(Worthy Devotions)

Rejection.

How I know the pain so very well!!!!

The infinite times I have felt rejected in my lifetime from my parents, friends, classmates, even people I did not know very well.

I perceived a friend rejecting me on Thanksgiving. Found out later, like times before, I was wrong. Unfortunately, that is how my rejection cycle goes. Many times it holds true, and many times, I am mistaken. Either way, I am led to believe I have been snubbed/rejected and I put myself through such torture.

Any of you who knows the sting of rejection knows the painful feeling within of unworthiness that follows hand in hand with the doubt and the anger.

So, I took the bull by the horns, and I repeated many times, Romans 8:1-2 and then "trying" to release these lies to God. Easier said than done. Constant reminders popped up in my mind through out the day of unworthiness and the like. So, I kept counter-acting these lies with prayer, Scripture, and praise music.

I know this new conditioning is not going to be easy! Changing my belief system will take time. And the pain will hopefully one day become less and less as I grow in the assurance of God’s love for me and the assurance I can be my own self and not worry what others think of me.

That will be a day of freedom!!!

CRITICAL WORDS CAN KILL

"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." (Colossians 4:6)

“The phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" couldn't be further from the truth. Words can be catastrophic, tearing through your heart like a tornado roaring down a residential street. While there may not be any visible destruction, the damage to your spirit can be just as devastating as a row of demolished homes.

Although the initial sting of harsh words is evident, you may be unaware of the lingering effects. Overly critical words leave you with hurt feelings and a poor self-image. Being wounded by someone with a critical spirit often changes how you see yourself. God holds us all accountable for how we use our words - especially the ones that hurt. Critical words don't come from a wise heart, nor do they reflect God's heart. Only He can heal your spirit and teach you how to respond to criticism. He's waiting to enrich your heart with encouragement, both for your good and for the good of others.” (Hope for the Heart)

I share the above because I am just as guilty. Both my parents were/are very critical individuals. My father especially was. Unfortunately, I too can be the same way. Being the hardest on myself. Although I can do it more subtlety, some people cannot. Case in point......

As I arrived at my mother’s for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday, I was greeted at the door with the words, “You have gained a lot of weight!” What a welcome! Now didn’t we have this freaking conversation a week ago where I told her I did not appreciate her comment then? Grant it she is up there in age, and I could blame her remark as a senior moment, but no! She has always done this. So there is no excuse.

Well, I had enough. I was seething, but only God and I knew this. I flat out told her that I did not appreciate her comment. She replied, that I was too sensitive. I remarked back, “no, and I do not care to have this topic ever brought up again.” She said in her defense, “well you could say the same thing to me and I wouldn’t get upset.” I finished by saying, “first I would not even say that to you or anyone else for that matter.” She huffed and that was the end of that particular topic. Hopefully for good!!

This was the first time that I did not feel guilty after confronting my mother about something. And it felt good!! Normally, I would not say anything to begin with and just accept her harsh words and sink lower into despair. But, I am tired of feeling crappy and I want healing and to begin to believe that I am worthy!! I may come over sounding mean, but it is all about me setting my boundaries.

She has already called me three times this morning about non-sense. The last time I did not even bother answering the phone.

Ironically enough, another incident with what I perceived as rejection also happened yesterday, which I will share about in another post in a couple of days.

Thanksgiving Day was certainly a trying and testing day for me.

NEVER FORCED (Healing Emotionally)

Healing emotionally has proven beneficial. Not to say I have completely healed emotionally. No, no, no, no, no. That is certainly not the case. I have plenty to go. Just admitting that I have issues and a desire to be set free is the biggest step to take in healing!!! Many people NEVER even do that much!!!

When healing emotionally, you are forced to look at yourself as well as revisit your past; this can be scary and, many times, uncomfortable. You are forced to see the good and bad within yourself or possibly someone else that may have brought you harm, and even though this is not a pleasant place to explore, the growth and the positive outcome that comes from emotional healing and self-exploration is a gift like no other. When you heal yourself emotionally, you physically begin to feel lighter because you finally have released an idea, belief, or past memory that no longer has served you and you begin to attract what you want in life because your vision is clearer and there is nothing standing in your way.
(Divine Caroline)

Even though the word “forced” is used by the author above in having to look at one’s past, such as I struggle with shame, guilt, abandonment, abuse, criticism, unworthiness, acceptance, etc. issues, God is gentle in leading me through my journey with the guidance of a very good counselor. Not saying that it is not scary, uncomfortable, painful and I tend to give resistance in facing my fears, I am never forced. Basically, in each session the Holy Spirit’s presence shows up and leads accordingly.

INTIMACY WITH GOD

As most of you know, I desire so much of an intimate relationship with my Savior. I do realize that I need to surrender my all to Him.

I have worn many masks, and many have come down. My realness has never been so real. My realness with not only myself, but with God. And there is plenty more realness that needs to be revealed!

Whether I reach this goal of complete intimacy with my Lord in my lifetime, I do not know. But, I do know this, no matter how hard things get, I will know without a doubt the assurance of my salvation, the conviction of my heart in areas that I need adjusting and the continual praise that my Savior so deserves from His children.

GOD, YOU ARE NOT SCARED OF ME

Was listening to Beth Moore this morning. I can and so many others can relate to what this woman of God shares. Case-in-point, Beth said a profound thing on the program this morning which touched me where I am at:

"Since life continually beats up on us, the process is never done. God I have to have you! I got to know that you are with me! That you are continually working on me! I may be scared for you to know me, but God you are not scared of me. You are not scared of anything that is found in me."

More than anything of late, my spirit has been crying out for God so much!! I desire the deep down intimacy that He longs for me to have with Him!!!

To know that my God is not scared of anything in me!! To know that He will never give up on me no matter how I may feel, how I may feel towards Him. God accepts me just as I am!! The pain of the shame the pain of unworthiness the pain of guilt, shall I go on? If we have a willing heart, He will pursue us.

Naturally, He does not want us to carry any of the pains of our past. Yes, those. The ones we are choosing to do now! That is why He wants us so much to trust Him and to give it all to Him. Not to be scared! After all He took it upon Himself all of our sins and pain, when he spread out his arms of love and was nailed on the cross.

Even though I have memorized Romans 8:1-3 . I need now to really apply it to my life!

SCORN SHAME **(Updated)**

I have added this prayer to my post tonight as I desperately need His touch with what I am facing now. Having a hard time:

I come boldly before Your throne of grace. Your word says that You give strength to the weary, so I ask that You would strengthen me Lord, for I am weary. Bless me Lord with Your presence, that my heart might be encouraged. Help me remember Your faithfulness and Your love that I might stand in faith against the issues that face me.

I bind the schemes of the enemy to tear me down, and I rebuke the spirits that have been assigned to harass me, to make me feel shame, to make me feel unworthy. I ask You Lord to minister fresh strength and joy to me. I agree with Your word, that says, Your plans for me are to give me hope and a future, let it be so Lord Jesus, according to Your will. I pray in Jesus mighty name, Amen!

Shame and joy truly cannot live happily in yourself. For most of my life, shame has taken a front seat to my life of joy. Being sexually abused and verbally knocked down as a kid and even into adulthood, it is hard for me to remember what joy actually felt like.

I am slowly understanding that my shame base has crushed my spirit into my adult years when more responsibility was put on me and hard for me to handle, as I was always over-protected by my mother her doing things for me and a father who was impatient, would cut me down verbally because I could not do things right in his eyes many times.

Each day, little by little, my shame is being replaced with a little bit of happiness. Happiness, which I pray will turn into full blown joy one day!

The devotional below is so very encouraging in helping me see how wonderful joy is and how Jesus defined what true joy is and how we can experience it also:

Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy set before him
endured the cross, scorning its shame
Hebrews 12:2

Shame does not coexist comfortably with joy. Experiences of shame eat away at the spiritual and emotional foundations on which joy is built. When we are consumed by shame, joy will keep its distance. But shame has a way of getting to us. Our defenses against the clever tactics of shame are not well developed.

Jesus is a powerful example to us of how to resist shame and make room for joy. First, Jesus 'scorned' shame. He did not give it a stature which it did not deserve. Experiences of shame did not define who he was. He was not just the sum of the shame he had experienced in life. His identity and person were securely rooted in God. So, he was able to experience shaming experiences without internalizing the shame.

Secondly, Jesus had 'joy set before him'. Experiences of shame hurt us. Shame is always hurtful. But we are not entirely defenseless. Jesus drew strength to endure shame from the anticipation of joy. Shame can be better endured if we allow ourselves to remember that God has plans for us that include joy. We are not aimlessly adrift in life, headed nowhere, wanderers in a meaningless maze. On the contrary, every day takes us closer to the fulfillment of God's purposes. Justice and righteousness will reign in the end. Jesus' followers share his conviction that joy, not shame, is God's purpose in creation.

Today we can root ourselves in God's love for us. We can scorn the shame. We can remind ourselves that God's plans for us include joy.

Help me to scorn shame, Lord.
Help me to root myself so completely in you
that shame has no power over me.
Help me to see the joy you have set before me, Lord.
Remind me today of your plans.
Help me to draw strength today
from the hope that your plans for me include joy.
Amen

***The picture above brought back memories of the few times in elementary school having been put in the corner and on display in front of my classmates for not paying attention. Talk about humiliation and shame. Teachers had no clue how they could hurt a child inside by doing something like this. Especially when it was never explained why you had to be on display. Can destroy a child later on in life.***

CONNECTION (Dropping of the leash)

THE WORST IS NEVER THE WORST

At the Women of Faith conference on Saturday, a scripture verse was shared that I had never seen before in its true light and changed my perspective on how I approach God.

Lamentations 3:28-30

When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

A lesson from Jeremiah who focused his attention on God to see him through his trials.

I continue to ask God to take away my irrational fears especially. Giving it up to Him. To show me insight into what I need to see in myself and even others to help and encourage.

As of late, I have been asking God specifically for a new "independent" and "freeing" direction in my life.

REJOICE

Very short video.

Each Women of Faith event is set up the same way. Even though this footage is not of the actual event I saw yesterday, it is basically the same. There was dancing in the isles, praising the Lord! It was totally awesome. I certainly could not contain myself either!

I want you to take notice not just of the performers, but the women (who were the speakers at this particular event) directly below them. It was neat to watch them all yesterday rejoicing and praising the Lord. This particular footage shows I believe the following from left to right: Anita Renfroe, Mandisa, Sheila Walsh, Marilyn Meberg, Patsy Clairmont, Lisa Whelchel and someone I cannot figure out.

To gain perspective my seat was just to the left of the women speakers.

EVERLASTING GOD

I was blessed by The Women of Faith Worship Team.
This is how it exactly looked and felt like yesterday!
I was in the bright area in the arena below near the talent!
Praising and lifting our hands up to the Lord! Awesome praise!

They also did a song very well known called, Sing, Sing, Sing! Talk about dancing in the isle! Youtube does not have them personally doing the song unfortunately.

A GRAND NEW DAY

A GRAND NEW DAY!

Great event. Something I would not do again though. But, was well worth this one time. Despite the low attendance, probably due to the economy and high ticket price, (the arena holds 20,000. I would say 5,000-7,000 attended), the Holy Spirit was in this place.

Had ideal seats right on the floor. Was about 50 feet away from each speaker and performer. So that was a blessing!

Missed out on the Friday night’s performances of Sandi Patty and Steven Curtis Chapman. So, did not hear them. Still today’s music entertainment was provided by the “Women of Faith Worship Team” and special guest Nicole C. Mullen. Who was a BIG hit!

On to the speakers.....


Sheila Walsh (who is absolutely adorable) opened up the event. Sharing her testimony of overcoming depression and the hell that she went through and her deliverance by a loving God. Very powerful. She also sang a couple of songs.

Allison Allen is a multi-talented dramatist, new to the WOF team, who brought a powerful drama that she herself wrote, but not her actual testimony, regarding how anorexia destroyed her life and how a faithful Christian counselor helped her to find her way to God and how much He loves her and healed her from her pain of rape that caused her to choose this path.

Marilyn Meberg, what a delightful funny lady. She is known among the others as the “therapy lady.” (She has two master’s degree in counseling) Great insight. If you had a particularly thorny problem, you would want to talk it over with Marilyn. She brought the message of salvation to the audience.

Luci Swindoll (sister of Chuck Swindoll), closed the show. This 77 year old bundle of humor delighted the audience to no-end with her personal stories. Had us rolling in the aisle. She has such a passion for Christ. She over-flows with “joy of living.”

I am saving my favorite for last, which is Lisa Whelchel. I was so glad to see her on the bill. I was a faithful “Facts of Life” viewer back in the 1970's. She was Blair. God blew me away with Lisa’s testimony this morning, as I could have been saying the exact words she said today. Which I never knew about her. She stated “she has been on her journey for two years now.” She shared how performance oriented person she was from day one when her parents praised her for an event as a child and from that day on she tried to do everything perfect and better than it could be. She wanted the attention of her daddy and got it. She suffered a lot with humiliation and shame. Especially when she was on the television show. As America watched her grow up and also watched her weight gain. The producers and directors would threaten her and humiliate her by saying if she would not lose the weight she would be fired. She would have to weigh in every day in front of these men. Then she went on to say most of her life she was not able to connect her feelings to her pain or even to cry. The crying part got me! She said, she felt out of place, but then accepted it as just being her! What really blew me away in her testimony is when she spoke of her husband having an accident a few years back by falling off the roof breaking both legs and an arm, and all she was concerned with was getting pictures of him laying there, taking pictures of the ladder he fell off in order to make a memory scrap book. She could not even feel for him, or even think about praying for him. Her young daughter at the time was at her daddy’s side trying to console him and looked up at Lisa and said something to the effect, “Mummie, daddy needs you.” She is learning each day to connect and even cry.

Truly this was a Grand Day.

WOMEN OF FAITH

Heading off with a girlfriend of mine to this all day event today!

WOOO-HOO!!!

WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE THE MEAL!

I am in a blogging frenzy!

All these ideas are just running through my head and I do not have enough time to jot them all down, let alone remember them when I do want to jot them down. The ones that stick are the ones I share.

I know my spirit has been anxious, so I tend to blog more. It is like yapping away, except I am doing it by blogging.

When I saw the above picture, first thing came to mind was, “I am more powerful in Christ than I think.”

Here is an ice wolf (like the devil) ready to pounce on a poor innocent fluffy bunny. Our natural instinct (as I close my eyes) would be, “Poor bunny. Does not have a prayer in the world. An easy meal for the wolf.” NOT! The bunny was protected and the tables were turned! Even got a good meal out of the situation.

That is how we can be, if we let Christ into our hearts and guide us through our daily struggles in knee deep sludge of pain. We can be an easy target for the devil, but with Christ we can experience the mighty fortress!

EXHALE THE STRESS

I found this prayer on the internet. Only the title is from me.

Lord sometimes I just want to give up.
My burdens are overwhelming.
I don't seem to ever catch up. I can't seem to get started.
I feel the pain of stress, hurt and setbacks.
Strengthen me to stand up knowing you are always with me.
Fall fresh on me today so I can find my joy and peace again.
Restore the broken places in my life.
I need this pressure of stress to decrease.
I want to have the resources and love required to provide for me and for my family.
I desire the energy and motivation to perform my job and daily tasks at home.
Thank you Lord for working it out.
It is so. It is done. It is all right with my soul.
I exhale now trusting you Lord as I walk away from temptation, depression and the stronghold of the enemy.
Your divine law operates within me as I speak, think and act with faith, love and courage.
I stand on your promises as you cover me with your protection and provision. My trust in you Lord allows me to exhale the stress, worry and shame.
Divine Spirit, I am encouraged now and will press on in the name of Jesus and all that is holy and true.

Amen

WHEN CAN I TRADE IN MY MIND, BODY AND SOUL?

Being human at times is down right hard, exhausting, frustrating, and painful, especially when we try and carry the weight of the world on our shoulders despite knowing we have a Savior who has already taken care of this.

FLOATING THOUGHTS

These past few days I have struggled with feeling physically weak.

As tired as I have been lately after work, I felt the need to go to my condo’s swimming pool and swim/relax. Since the time change, it gets dark really quickly. Which I love. Anyway, these past couple of days I have cherished my evening swims. No one is in the pool. (I feel at peace about this. Hey, if the Lord is gonna take me, I cannot fight it one way or the other) I am alone with my God!

What I have discovered in these evening swims, as I float on my back the length of the pool and look up to the heavens, is the peace that over takes me. The Holy Spirit has come upon me in a unique way during this time. How awesome is that? I forget my physical pain. I forget my emotional pain. I am just there being me. No worries. No stress. No nothing. My thoughts are floating....

Last night, as I gazed up at the stars, I am constantly reminded that there is a God that wants SOOOOOO much a "full-blown out" intimate relationship with me!!! I may have the "blown-out" part, but not the "full."

I DESIRE SO MUCH TO BE SO CLOSE TO MY SAVIOR, embracing Him in a 'death grip' never to let go!!! NEVER! To trust Him completely. To give Him all of my fears. To let Him gently heal the broken areas of my life. To let Him take me through the next step(s) of my journey. To show me He is right beside me 24/7 never taking His eye off of me as I go deeper into my pain. To tell me that, "everything will be okay, do not resist, I am always here, I care, I will embrace you, and I love you!"

UNDERSTANDING THE PROCESS

Driving home tonight after t. I asked the Lord to show me “what just happened?” It did not take Him long to reveal what I needed to see, even though I kind of knew where He was heading.

What came out of my mouth tonight on my way home were these words....”Understanding the Process.”

Oh great ***JBR half smiles*** I know where this is leading.....

I am one that desires, sooooo much to know the next step. To feel safe. To be in control. To have to understand the process. The Lord impressed upon me tonight,

“Uh Uh.” ***Lord shakes His mighty head*** “No, not on this one. Especially this one JBR.”

Dang, He knows me so well, and knows my strategies and how I will create my own rules for my own healing if I had the opportunity. Where in essence He wants to be in control. He also knows that if I had my way, my healing would probably be a zillion times more painful. He knows I would take a harsher approach where He would be so very compassionate.

After having this confirmed on my heart tonight, I ain’t no happy camper!

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! Me ain’t happy!!

That being said, ugh, I know this is the only route to my “true” healing. In letting Him lovingly take the reigns to my deepest pain, regardless of me not understanding the process, especially my method of resistance or the way it “should” take place.

Even I stated tonight, once the break through happens, it will amaze me that I even had all the gunk inside me to begin with! I say that because I have stuffed it so long, I do not even connect with the pain.

RENEW ME!!

Been out of commission for a bit.....

Last week was a rough one for me both physically and emotionally. Praying this week will be better as my body and mind regain their strength. Thank you all for your comments from my previous post!

Oh Lord, give me the strength both spiritually and physically to do the work you have called me to do.
Renew in me the gift of prophecy, that I may abound in visions and revelations; clearly seeing Your Face and hearing Your Voice, Oh Heavenly Father.
Add to me spiritual virtue that I may abound in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness and faith, Oh God.
Send to me Your Holy Ghost with an abundance of wisdom, understanding, and knowledge that I may bring forth words capable of uplifting the souls of your people who are downtrodden and discouraged, Oh God.
Cleanse my soul and life from all sin and iniquities that I may minister unto others without being guilty of hypocrisy and shame, Oh Lord.
Make me to be healthy in body and sound of mind so that I may have the strength and fortitude to pen Your words to Your children, Oh Gracious and Precious Heavenly Father.
Amen.

ATTACK FROM THE ENEMEY

I have been extremely physically weak these past few days.

I have a bit of an infection running through my body, so I have to watch that which contributes to the weakness. I slept eleven hours last night.

Satan was playing terrifying havoc on me Wednesday night into Thursday morning where I only got a couple of hours sleep. Sheer terror. This happened once before a couple of years ago. Same at night time. It is so true what they say about darkness. It is evil. I could not wait until "the light" of the morning! I kept pleading the Blood of Jesus over my home and myself!

I am not even going to share what the terror was, as I am not confessing it (Satan will have a field day, as I can be very weak in this area and he will go with my stinking thinking) as I am still believing for my healing! What I will say is that it came to the point where I had to call a reputable prayer ministry in the wee hours of the morning and ask for deliverance and a physical healing and when I finally got myself to work I had someone pray for me again.

WHEN I AM WEAK HE IS STRONG

When I am weak, He is strong.

This verse I am holding on to today!! As I continue to feel so very weak physically. Like sheer exhaustion!!

I need Him so desperately to help me get through today!

DRAGGING

I have been dragging all day today. It got progressively worse towards the end of the day.

I had t. and could barely keep my eyes open, let alone my brain active. It was a struggle for me today during my session. Really did not have the energy to even respond as much as I would like. I feel like a Mac Truck hit me! Extremely exhaused.

My t. and I figured out since I have become more relaxed in the Spirit and do not fight as much the Will of God, my body is probably re-adjusting. Does not have the 'fight and flight' syndrome.

Night night...

POP UP MEMORIES

Feelings are becoming so much more real to me now.

I was lying in bed again last night, and I would have a memory come up during my struggling years, as a teenager. This is happening more readily now.

I believe since now I am more relaxed in the Holy Spirit, the memories which I can "feel" and sense now, besides when they actually were happening at the time, seem so very real. The colors and even the smells are so vivid. A lot of loneliness and isolation. The feeling of not belonging or being accepted among my peers. Disturbing at times, where I will have to pull myself out of the pain of the memory and recover and give it over to God to help me continue to accept myself as I am. That I am of worth!!!!

I am so amazed to how I suppressed so much of my 'feelings," in order to survive.

MY POOR little PIGGIES

And I am not talking about 'oinkers.'

You know... the corner of the table is there.....

Well, some how, some where your toes always seem to find it. They gravitate to that corner when you walk by and **smack** right into it. Then you have the brief two second interval waiting for the searing pain to reach your brain.

That’s it!!! That's the pain!!!

Fortunately my bed is still close enough as I fall back into it holding my foot with both hands, hoping to cut off the pain while I recover. Never happens!!!!

(We won't go into the words that come out of one's mouth at this time)

The above happened to me not once, but twice last night. You would think I learned the first time and the many other times in nights past to walk away from the corner. Somehow, I even want to find the fastest route to the bathroom in the dark.

I do not know how many times I have broken my toes over the years by running into objects, playing sports. Last night was no exception.

REPLENISHED SPIRIT!!!!!

God has since replenished my spirit with this morning's church worship, as my tank was depleted!!!

The Holy Spirit's FIRE was upon many in worship today, including yours truly!!!

THE FIRE OF GOD IS SOMETHING I DEFINITELY NEEDED AND WISHED EVERYONE COULD EXPERIENCE!!!

Look out world a revival is coming..........

Amen! and Amen!!

The fire we have inside is from the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ promised us he would send us the Holy Spirit once he was back with his Father.

That's why we ask for the Holy Spirit every day!

It's like a well you can drink from every day, if you like. When we don't drink from God's well, which is the Holy Spirit, we dry up. We become empty. We die inside. The fire needs to be recindled every day of our lives. (internet)

OUR GOD SAVES

I am still riding on yesterday's spirit trail......

This version is done by the artist who wrote the song himself:


Another version I like equally as well:

EMPTINESS

For those of you who were able to figure out and highlight these words (with the clue below), then you know that I am feeling really empty inside and at times invisible.

I am desiring that my vessel be emptied. Asking the Lord to take out all the impurities, the co-dependency traits especially, the pain of my abuse etc.! Letting all the poison flow out from me, so my vessel can be replaced with my new life in Christ.

I am just so tired now.



Highlight the above.

WRITING EXERCISE: THE CHILD WITHIN

This is a good exercise.

For me, the child is a real thing, although not in the physical sense. I am beginning to feel what my inner-child feels. Although, it is still hard at this point to talk to her, or even console her. But, I do see growth in this area. I am not where I used to be!

On occasion I can remember or picture her inside me. Actually, see what she was doing back then. She had some really, really, really good times. Such a free spirit and fun kid! A prankster. Then she had some really, really, really bad times, which are hard to comprehend and the sting of pain and numbness shoots through her. Even now as she shares in this post.

“This is a chance to talk to the child within. If you’re capable of loving and comforting the child within, express the compassion that you feel toward her. You can do this by writing a letter directly to her. Or you can engage in a written dialogue, first writing as the adult and then as the child responding. You may find it helpful to place a childhood photo of yourself in front of you as you write.

If you don’t yet feel any connection, allegiance, or tenderness toward the child yet, start with how you honestly feel. You can’t write, “I love you, I’ll take care of you,” if that’s a lie. Start with: “I’m willing to sit down and write to you even though I’m not sure you exist” or “I don’t know how to love you.” Any point of contact is a start. You can’t have a loving relationship until you take the first step.

Another way to get in touch with your inner child is to write a dialogue using your dominant hand (your right hand if you’re right handed; your left if you’re left-handed) for your adult self and your other hand for the child’s responses. Writing with the non-dominant hand is slow and childlike and can help evoke the feelings and voice of the child.

With your dominant hand in your own adult voice, ask the child a question, such as “What do you need right now?” or “How can I take care of you?” Or “Can you tell me a little about yourself?” Then, switching your pen (or crayon or marker) to the other hand, respond in the voice of the child. When it feels like the child has had her say, switch back to the other hand and respond as your adult self. Go back and forth, changing hands, until you feel finished. This can be an effective way to open up a dialogue with your inner child.

If you feel totally alienated from the child within, imagine another child the age you were during your abuse. Try writing to her instead.

This is a good exercise to do more than once, particularly if you’re not starting from a place of compassion. Eventually you’ll be able to tell the child that she’s not to blame, that she’s innocent, and that you’ll protect her.” (The Courage to Heal)

If you plan on doing this exercise, use caution in trying to bring things to the surface especially if you are not ready yet. Maybe you need to be with someone when you decide to do this exercise, i.e. counselor, spouse, friend. For support. Just a thought.

PRAISING IN SLEEP!

I was debating if I should share this. After praying about it through out the day, I feel led to.

Had something cool happen to me last night. I dedicated first the evening after work to the Lord with me just playing guitar and worshipping Him with song for over an hour or so. Then last night, I must have been asleep already for an hour and a half or more, but at 11:20 p.m. I found myself startled awake having my hands lifted up praising the Lord from the song (which I do not play on guitar) "Hear Our Praises" (#8 on my Playlist above). Last Sunday in church we sang this song. But, it was so neat that my spirit chose this song while I was asleep and I was singing the Hallelujah part when I awoke!

CUSP OF BREAKING OUT!

My time with God these past few mornings has been really agonizing. Crying my eyes out with such a desire to please Him and not other people!! I hate to sound like a broken record, but this is such a struggle for me! Hard to face the outside world and not put my people pleasing skills to work. So very difficult!!

I know without a doubt there is freedom waiting for me!!!!I know God will honor my heart's desire! I look forward to this day!!

I just hate going through the emotional pain!!! I hate having to come to terms with the pain of rejection, abandonment, loneliness and the like! Feeling these feelings more now these days with such intensity, it just flat out hurts!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been so comfortable with who I have been!! Because I know no other JBR than the one that survived all these years with coping skills. But I am learning now through all the pain I have to go through that there is a JBR that God intended to be originally!!!!!!

And that JBR is on the cusp of breaking out!!!!!!!!

HOW HEALED DO I HAVE TO BE?

This is so very true:

“Healing is not about eternal struggle, the kind where you push the boulder up the hill, only to have it roll back down on top of you. There is a point when you will stop feeling like a victim, either of the abuse or of healing itself.

Recently Ellen (one of the authors of Courage to Heal) was talking to a young woman who has been in therapy for the past two years, actively working on her healing. Because the work was so demanding, she cut back on many other activities early in the process in order to devote her full energies to healing. Gradually, as she became able to handle both the healing work and more commitments, she added school, a part time job, and a lover to her life.

Now this woman had the opportunity to move to another city, join her lover there, and enter a school program that she very much wanted to be in. “But,” she said to Ellen, “I think maybe I should wait until I’m all better. I’m not finished with therapy. How healed do I have to be to do what I want?”

Ellen laughed and told her to go. Part of healing is doing what you want to do, those things that will give you both fulfillment and pleasure. You don’t have to wait.” (The Courage to Heal)

COMPASSION IN OUR HURT

We who have been abused may struggle with believing we have compassion. I know I do. Part of my journey is overcoming many obstacles in order to be free from shame, guilt and condemnation. Even though people that I trust have voiced many times that I am compassionate, I think I am finally believing to some degree that I am. Still have a ways to go. But I am on my way.

But the perfect example of compassion was Jesus. He saw. He healed.

This devotional centers on this. I do hope you will be encouraged, as I have:

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd,
he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
Matthew 14:14

It is foundational to our healing for someone to see us with compassion. We do not see ourselves with compassion. Instead, we often see ourselves through harsh, condemning eyes. We have come to reject and shame ourselves for our need.

In order to learn to heal from the inside out we need someone to see us differently than we see ourselves. We need someone to see us as we are and to respond to us with emotional warmth and genuine concern.

Jesus saw. And had compassion. And he healed. All three experiences are helpful in recovery.

God sees us. He sees that we struggle, that we need help, that we hurt. Our brokenness is not a surprise or a disappointment to God.

God has compassion on us. God feels with us. God is emotionally responsive to us. It matters to God that we are in need. It impacts God.

God heals. Having seen us and had compassion for us, God responds. God touches our wounds. God mends our broken hearts. God strengthens our weary spirits.

For those of us who have felt invisible, who have experienced shame and
rejection and abuse, it is a wonderful thing to find someone who sees, has
compassion and seeks to heal!

Lord, thank you that you see me.
You see my pain.
Thank you that it matters to you that I struggle and hurt.
Thank you that it is in the context of personal attention and compassion
that you heal me.
I await your healing touch today.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

I NEED TO BE KNOWN

I need to be known.

Yes, I do need to be known. But, I need to be known in the right perspective. And that is moving away from people pleasing and having the assurance that God will take care of all my hurts, needs, desires, ambitions, etc.

I am known by God. God is the one that knows me intimately, every single detail about me.

I desire the Shekinah glory which is a form of Hebrew word that means "he caused to dwell." A divine visitation of the presence or dwelling of JEHOVAH God! Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not believe one can remain within that state of glory for a long period of time, as it is very powerful. Just having the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, is electrifying enough for me. But, I do know there is much much more that I desire.....

I need to be known to God. To know the full redemption of Him!

DO YOU FEEL REJECTED?

The sting of rejection can cut deep.!!!!

Below, highlighted in bold are areas that really touch my spirit.

This is such an encouraging message!

Joyce Meyer explains the pain of rejection so very clearly in her devotional below and the glorious freedom that can be ours in Christ!!!!!!

The Lord gave this Word to me as I was preparing for one of my conferences, and I believe He wants me to share it with you. He said:

“So many are in prison because they won't accept themselves. So many are so gifted and talented, but they won't express themselves because they fear rejection. They fear man. They fear what people will think. I want to love My people, but they hold Me at arms length and won't let Me really love them because they have been hurt by others. They fear I will reject them because of their weaknesses—like people have—but I will never reject them. Tell them I love them. Ask them to stop trying so hard to be acceptable to Me and to realize I accept them where they are. Tell them I don't want perfect performance from them. I want them to love Me and to let Me love them."

The Lord’s been having me minister to the body of believers concerning how He looks for a perfect heart and not perfect performance. We won’t impress God with our works unless our heart is pure. A lot of people think God won't use them until every area of their life is perfected. That type of thinking keeps people from allowing God to use them. He uses us in spite of us, not because of us. This doesn't mean that we should have a loose attitude and not desire to live a holy life. A person whose heart is perfect toward God is always going to earnestly and zealously desire to please God in all things. But we must also remember that Hebrews 4:15 teaches us that …we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Verse 16 encourages us, in light of verse 15, to draw near to God's throne and receive mercy for our failures and to go ahead and get grace to help us in our time of need. This is one of God's ways of saying He won't reject you because of your weaknesses or mistakes.

Most of us have grown up on a "merry-go-round" of trying to please people so they won't reject us. We all have an inbred need to be loved. People usually love you based on your performance. If you do what they want you to do, they accept you; but if you don't, they reject you. This is the operation of human love, and none of us know how to do anything else until we taste God's agape love that’s not based on man's performance but is based only on God. He loves you and accepts you because He decided to, not because of what you do or don’t do. Once again let me say, this doesn't mean you shouldn't desire holiness; but you'll never arrive at new levels of holiness if you think God rejects you and withholds His love every time you fail. Remember Hebrews 4:15,16. He knows you're weak, so admit that you are and let Him help you anyway.

2 Chronicles 16:9 says, ...the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to [show] himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him…(KJV).

1 Corinthians 1:27-29 says that God purposely chooses the weak and foolish things of the world to confound the wise.

I would, in my natural thinking, think that He would look for a perfect specimen—someone who has it all together, a strong person who’d never fail Him or let Him down. But instead He looks for a person whose heart is perfect toward Him.

God desires to heal His people from past hurts caused by rejection. He wants you to know He will never reject you. He says in Matthew 11:28, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (NKJV). This is referring to those who are laboring at trying to be perfect and then beating themselves with guilty feelings when they fail.

Jesus was talking to the people who were trying to live under the laws of the Pharisees. It takes a lot to please a Pharisee, and they’re still around today. I'm sure you know one—someone who conveys to you the message, "I'll accept you if you perform perfectly and please me. I'll reject you and withhold my love if you don't."

Jesus isn’t a Pharisee. He says in John 3:18 that he who believes in Him will never be rejected. Believe in Him, love Him and desire His will. You'll be off to a good start. He’ll bring you across the finish line. And remember, you may not be performing perfectly, but if you have a perfect heart toward Him, He counts you as perfect while you’re making the trip. Oh yes, one main thing I need to say: Be sure you are not a Pharisee. God has placed people all around you who need love and acceptance. Give it to them, and you'll help them become the best person they can be.
(Joyce Meyer)

Through all our pain, it is TREMENDOUSLY comforting to know that God WILL NEVER REJECT US!!! It is awesome how God looks for a perfect heart the desire to want to do good (not saying we are perfect) and NOT and I repeat, especially to you JBR, NOT performance!!!!

MY GUITAR CRIES WITH ME

My guitar cries with me.

I was in the middle of worshipping with my guitar tonight (as I felt the Holy Spirit's presence on me heavily) right after work when my mother calls. I knew I should not have answered that phone! But, then I would have the police at my door within the hour as she would of feared I died or something.

The woman has no tact! These past couple of months I have been putting on weight as I go right to the comfort food when I am struggling! Anyway, the 30 pounds that I lost last year are almost back on me. These past few days I have been watching what I have been eating and I have lost five. But, of course my mother has to constantly remind me how awful I look. She did it on Saturday when I had to see her. So tonight after her insensitive remark I just said 'ok' and hung up on her! Then all my expletives came out of my mouth. Directed at her! I Do Not Need This From Her!!!

I mean does she actually think she is doing me a favor by cutting me down? She ends with "I Am Your Mother." SO freaking What? Do you have to insult me???? She is the main reason why I gained the freaking weight back in the first place!!!

Satan will not win this battle with me. Even now, concluding this post, I am much calmer and I refuse to take on this crap!

I have got to learn how to respond calmer..... I know in time. I know I have to go through certain things.....I know I am not there yet....

Am I proud how I reacted.... No!! Especially just coming out of praising the Lord....But, I am human! And right now this is me!!!

MY BLANKIE

Ironically enough it was my mother who pointed out to me one day as a young teenager sitting at the dinner table with her and my late step-father (who I could not talk or even look at as I resented my mother marrying him) “why do I clench my fist?” I remember mumbling something like, “I don’t know.” But, from that day on, I realized I did this and still do!

At times I find it to be like my “blankie.” It has come to the point that it feels really comfortable when I curl up my left hand and bring it close to me. I tend to do it with my right, but not as much as the other hand.

Naturally a clenched fist can reveal pent up anger (which I no doubt have) and much emotional pain.

How about you?

REAL WORLD RANTING SUNDAY

****In the Moment "A Live Rant"****
I knew eventually I would have to go back to the real world from my extended vacation, and being at church today was my first step back into the real world. Even though I could worship the Lord alone, once people I know come along, then my world is disrupted again. Man am I ever screwed up!!!

We are called to fellowship. I long to fellowship!!! But at the same time I dread having to because I still struggle with the performance base crap!!!!!!!!

I am NOT in a good place now, because I am angry at myself!! I hate myself (and I really do not like using that word, but I am so damn tired of this). Did I perform right???? JBR why did you say that???? That was really stupid!!!! You dummy!!! You come over looking stupid!!!! Will people still like me even though I feel I come over weak, frail and I feel I appear stupid? Yes, all lies of Satan. At the time it is hard to convince myself any different. Until I settle down, after the fact and that is even a struggle.

I should really be angry (and I am getting there) at the circumstances that put me in this state to begin with and that is the crap that was dealt me growing up. The over-protection of my mother, the lack of a father, the isolation, the sexual abuse, splitting up of my family, the hate, the rage, the lonliness, the resentment, my early years stripped away from me!

This all pisses me off now because I hate feeling the way I do constantly!!!!!!!

And this is why I want to isolate!!!!!!!