IT'S A BEAR

Emotional pain is a bear.

YOU ARE HERE

I am trying to learn and accept where I am right now, right this second, right this minute, right this hour. My course of action to fight my battle with “stinking-thinking” of worthlessness, guilt and shame is trying to remember and focus and accept that I am okay (as God says I am) just where I am right now, stinking thinking and all and go from there.

THANK YOU!

During my journey, I am finding it difficult at times to hang on to the hope part of healing.

I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to all of you who left me encouraging and positive posts during these recent days. They have not gone unnoticed!! Each one of you had something to contribute which touched me dearly.

God has been with me every step of the way, believe you me! Through my constant questioning of Him ’why this and why that and why does it hurt so much,’ I am still able to feel His presence. I thank Him for that!

The controlling issues of recent from a family member continues, and I unceasingly ask and rely on God to sustain me through these troubled waters. Was able to catch up on some needed lost sleep this weekend.

I would like to end with this personal story that the Lord brought to my mind today. So without further a-do I would like to introduce you to . . . .



THE MOCKINGBIRDS

Where I live there are lights that illuminate the parking spaces at night and trees, bushes and plant life surround the area and house different kinds of wild life. These lights are situated close by the bushes where birds have their nests. (I love birds, if you have not already noticed)

In one of these bushes near my home, there is a family of Mockingbirds. All through the night I hear one or more share their song, non-stop. You would figure they would sleep during this time. What I finally have learned through my own investigation (actually got up, walked the grounds at 3:00 a.m. one morning, found the bush that houses these birds) is one of these parking lights shines on a Mockingbirds nest. The birds then think it is daylight all the time. At first I worried that this family would never get proper sleep (like someone I know) and their sleep pattern must surely be screwed up. But, day in and day out and night in and night out, their song continues strong.

So, I said to myself this morning, before sunlight, as I listened outside my window, “now that is one happy family.” Mr. and Mrs. Mockingbird and the kids have a Heavenly Father who keeps them strong, healthy and provides daily for them, and they do not worry or have a care in the world!

Then I thought to myself.........

"So, then why should I?”

RECAPTURING MY HEART

When I saw this picture on the internet tonight the first thing that crossed my mind was this is what I am striving to get back. Grabbing hold of my heart that left me so many years ago to childhood trauma. (For me to even say and admit “trauma” in my life is an accomplishment for me).

Right now, there are very strong controlling, manipulitive issues I am dealing with from a strong-willed member of my family, who insists on treating me and seeing me as a child and with that I am experiencing tremendous emotional pain. A major battle is raging, as I am fighting and standing my ground to establish my boundaries and to be my own individual! I am so Very Angry!!!! Feel crappy and totally exhausted!!! With every ounce in me fending off the strongholds of guilt, shame and hopelessness, deep down inside I know the cutting pain I am feeling must take place in order to be set free. How long? Only God knows. Can’t use my “drive through recovery” can I?

I feel so very alone, although I know I am not. God is with me! He has not left me. He is right beside me. He will let me experience and go through what I must, in order for His perfect will to be done. Tough love huh? I hate this! And at the same time I need this!!!

I am scared *&^&*#@@ !!!!

GROUP

Had group last night. Thus far, I come away from there drained and feeling beat-up. Beat-up and exhausted mentally and physically (body tired achy, headaches) in I guess you can say a positive way.

This morning I feel a bit troubled from last night, but in a way I should not be surprised. I know I have difficulty connecting my mind to my heart when it comes to emotions and feelings, and it was pretty evident last night. Even though I am trying to be hopeful, some times I find the "word" let alone the feeling, really not in my vocabulary. But, I continue to strive for hopefullness, even though I feel I go "backwards" many a time (which is the norm), I also know there is progress. Progress in knowing "that I am not where I used to be."

Usually takes me a few days to process afterwards what transpired in group each week, and this will be no different. I am dead tired this morning and I find going to work the day after group, and trying not to look like a zombie more of a challenge. I am grateful the weekend comes quickly in order that I can continue to process, re-group, catch up on some sleep, and get myself prepared to do this all over again next week! Yea!

All kidding aside ……I know God has me in the right place, especially when I continue to question myself, “There is nothing wrong with me, I am not that bad, I should not be here.”

Oh yes I should!

DRIVE THRU "RECOVERY"

If we are honest with ourselves, who does not want change to happen fast, huh? I know I do. I do not like to wait, and maybe you do not either! Just like the world is used to Drive Thru Foods, Laundry, Film, Video, Books, Flowers, you name it, even a Drive Thru Funeral.

Yes, you heard me right, you can pay your respects by driving thru and not even getting out of your car. Think I am kidding? Check this website out by clicking HERE

How sick is that?

So, my point is, why cannot we have a Drive Thru Recovery? Uh huh, ain’t gonna happen! God, is never in a hurry it seems, and He ain’t gonna be if He wants us to learn something from our journey and if it means taking time, He has all the time in the world. (Even though in the back of my mind, I kind of remember someone mentioning that there was a "Drive Thru Therapist." I did a Google search, and really did not come up with anything on that. But, if you know of a site, please share)

So..................

in keeping with this train of thought, I found once again from two of my favorite devotionalists (I don’t even know if that is even a word…..oh well, it is now) a devotion on Hope, which elaborates more on us desiring things to happen quickly to avoid pain and growth. Which in the end would defeat the purpose because "our capacity for hope will gradually diminish" if we get our quick-fix.

But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already
has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Romans 8:24-25

Sometimes it feels like nothing is changing. We feel like we have lost
our way — and all hope of finding it again. Ironically we often experience
this sense of being ’stuck’ during periods that later seem most dynamic
in terms of change. Perhaps when change is rapid we are so disoriented that
we are unable to see it clearly. In times like this we may not be able to
see that anything is changing. It may be hard to believe that all the hard
work and effort are worth it. It is during these times we are most tempted
to give up.

It is a general truth that we want change to take place faster than it
does. We could more easily tolerate the pain of recovery, if only we could
be assured that it would be quick.

But if we insist that change happen so rapidly that we can see it every
day, then our capacity for hope will gradually diminish. If we insist that
our recovery always have the drama and immediacy of miracle, then we will
not build the deep-down kind of hope that we will need during the really
tough times in life. Hope that you can ’see’, Paul says, is not really hope
at all. Real hope is what sustains us when we do not see change. Hope is
the conviction that God has not given up on us. As long as God is committed
to us, there is hope for change.

Sometimes I get stuck, Lord.
When that happens, I desperately want a miracle.
I want to change fast, very fast.
But that’s not what I really need.
What I really need is you, Lord.
If you haven’t given up,
then I’m not really stuck.
There is hope.
Renew my vision of you, Lord.
Help me to see again your hopefullness about me.
And your love for me.
And the joy you take in me.
Let this build again in me a capacity for hope.
Amen.

Copyright 2009 Dale and Juanita Ryan

GROUNDED

Finally got grounded with my anger issues from the other day. Processing does wonders. One blogger friend did point out to me that I was not even taking my own advice when I get bent out of shape and that was finding the root cause of the anger and giving it over to Christ. I have since done this, and am moving forward. Not easy and I am not saying that I will not struggle with this once again, but maybe next time the duration will be shorter and not as intense.

Thank you all for your support, care and love.

WORTHY

Welcome to Monday!

Monday’s are normally hard for me, coming off a weekend where I am really alone with my thoughts and emotions which can play havoc with me. But like usual, as the day progresses, I get better and I know once again this too will pass……

Worthy is today’s topic.

Though I still find it a struggle to believe that I am worthy, let alone worthy of God’s love, I try to remind myself of this daily, that I am Worthy. Of course it is easier for me to "tell" someone that they are worthy and worthy of God's love, than to believe it for myself. That is why there are some positive references and scripture verses on my blog to help encourage me and to remind me of God's love. Still, the reality of the truth of pain is also evident. I know (head-knowledge) that the blood of Jesus covers it all. One day I will know for a fact (heart knowledge) that it is finished!! Amen!


Does anyone use The Life Recovery Bible?


Enjoy your Monday!

REST

Rest…… ahhhh something that eludes me at this point in my juncture. Depression continues to wage its ugly head over me. Still, I long not only to rest, and rest in the Lord, but to sleep and to sleep and to be revitalized.



Well, I hibernated most of yesterday, just catching up (even though doctors say you can never catch up) on sleep. See battlefield of MY mind



Was a perfect day to do so, as it rained all day. So, it was one of those under the covers, snuggle up to the pillow days and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.



Now for the rest part……. The Word of God says….



Matt 11:28-30 (Amp) Come to me all you who labor (feel fatigue, work hard, toil, be wearied) and are heavy laden (to load up, overburdened w/ ceremony or spiritual anxiety) & overburdened, and I will cause you to rest (I will ease & relieve & refresh your souls) (be exempt, remain, refresh, take ease).

29 Take my yoke (coupling, pair of balances) upon you & learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) & humble (lowly) in heart and you will find rest (relief & ease & refreshment & recreation & blessed quiet) (intermission) for your souls.

30 for My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, pleasant), (easy, better, good, gracious, kind) & my burden (task, service) is light & easy to be borne.



I Peter 5:7-8 (Amp) Casting (fling) the whole of your care (all your anxieties & all your worries, all your concerns, once & for all) on Him for He cares for your affectionately & cares about you watchfully.

Brain Dead

I am finding out, when you come into the realization of the hurt that was done to you in the past you can have days, weeks, months or even years where you feel totally "brain dead?"



Welcome to my world.....

battlefield of "MY" mind

For the past couple of months, my sleep has been not good. Last night not being any different. I know I am struggling and working through issues, but I feel so very weak and more vunerable when I am not properly suited for daily battle. I have prayed to the Lord about this, but still am finding many a night, once I wake up, "my" battlefield of the mind explodes into a full-out rage of war of negative anxious thoughts and worries and cannot go back to sleep! I have never, ever had such a problem with lack of sleep before and experiencing this new backdoor Satan seemed to have found with me I feel many times defeated! I totally believe this is a spiritual battle and not chemically in any way. As I stated earlier, this has never been a problem with me until I have been set on my journey to freedom!!



With that being said I am and continue rebuking all the negativity and Satan's attacks on me that come daily and now more nightly! I am also realizing the following prayer I found....



I am anxious, Lord.

And I feel guilty about feeling anxious.

And I feel anxious about feeling guilty.

And I feel anxious about feeling guilty about feeling anxious.

Help!

I am overwhelmed by all I am trying to do.

I need your invitation to serenity.

I bring you my requests today, Lord.

I bring them to you.

I admit that I do not have the power to solve these problems.

I acknowledge that you are Powerful.

I ask you to take care of me today.

Amen.

LETTING GO OF DEFENSES

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will
guard your

hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:7



Sometimes it feels like our hearts are breaking.



And sometimes we worry that we will lose our minds.



Both our hearts and our minds need protection.



When we let go of the defenses that have protected us for so long, and we

allow ourselves to be honest and vulnerable, it sometimes feels like we

will 'come apart'. In these moments we can find courage in God's promise of

protection. God's peace can guard our breaking hearts and our troubled minds.



Notice that God's guardianship of our heart and mind is 'in Christ Jesus'.

It is in Jesus that we see most clearly that God is 'for' us. God can be

trusted to guard us because God cares about us. It is in Jesus that we see

most clearly that God understands the dangers to our hearts and minds. God

can be trusted to guard us because God knows from personal experience the

dangers we face. It is in Jesus that we see most clearly God's power. God

can be trusted to guard our hearts and minds because God has the resources

to do what needs to be done.



The peace of God is not a 'blissed out' euphoria that helps us minimize

or ignore our problems. God's peace does not participate in denial. This

peace is not another Novocain, another 'fix' to alter our mood. It is the

gentle guard that protects us so that we can face reality. It is the security

that comes from knowing that God pays attention, that we are not forgotten,

that God is with us, that we are loved.





Copyright 1991 Dale and Juanita Ryan



This devotional is very powerful and I even have it pinned up at my place of work for a constant reminder. The letting go of the defenses and the actuality of being honest and vulnerable can scare us, I included. But, that is where the trust needs to begin with God knowing that He can protect us during these times. God can be trusted to protect our hearts and minds. I especially love the phrase, “God’s peace does not participate in denial.”

HEALING FROM THE INSIDE OUT/BROKENNESS

I subscribe to Dale and Juanita Ryan who share heartfelt devotionals for us in recovery:



Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10



I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power

through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your

hearts through faith.

Ephesians 3:16



Sometimes recovery is exhausting. Sometimes we feel like a raw nerve all the way down to the core of our being. You can't touch anything without causing pain. In times like this we see clearly that our healing must be from the inside out. Nothing superficial will be of any consequence. We need our 'inner being', our 'heart', to experience God's healing power.



It is clear from this text that God understands where our healing must take place. The Spirit seeks to strengthen us in our 'inner being'. Christ seeks to dwell in our 'hearts'. God is not interested in appearances. God is not interested in performances. It is not God's plan for us to 'look good'. God's work will be deeper and necessarily more painful than this. The transformation we need will take place at the core of our being.



This may seem impossibly difficult to us. But it is not impossible for God. It is out of 'his glorious riches' that God can strengthen us. God is not helpless in the face of our brokenness. God is a resource-full God.



I have worked hard to look good on the outside, Lord.

But, it has done no good.

It hasn't worked.

I am not what I appear to be.

I need to heal from the inside.

Only you can do that, Lord.

Come Holy Spirit, to my inner being.

Come Christ, dwell in my heart.

Heal and strengthen me in the depths of my person.

Out of your riches, strengthen me.

Amen.



Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan



I can totally agree with recovery being exhausting! There are days when I feel like I am in a daze. My mind and body seem to just shut down and some how, by the Grace of God I manage to get through a day. And I know that for true healing, it must come from within, as painful as it is, it must be brought up and dealt with. One just needs to remember, that you are not alone in this journey! God is with you all the way, even though you may not feel it, He is there!



Remember, every stronghold held together in your life, is a lie!!! Counter-act these lies with God's truth and meditate on them!

OLD TAPE

Below is a wonderful devotional from Beth Moore on Guilt and Repentance. It may not be the usual what you may think about the two, but an interesting approach to how we actually think and possibly wear ourselves out mentally and emotionally with the negativity thoughts we conjure up daily. Beth offers a peaceful resolution. Enjoy.

Old Tape
Scripture Reading: Hebrews 9:11-15

Today’s Treasure: “How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!” (Hebrews 9:14).

Christians often still suffer from guilty consciences even after sincere repentance. What has gone wrong? The body of Christ suffers terribly from unbelief. We often do not accept and believe the full work of God’s redemption. In fact, our own consciences will go so far as to come forward as a witness for the prosecution rather than the defense.

One of the most powerful names I’ve ever heard given to the conscience is recorder. As in tape recorder. That ought to make plenty of sense to any of us who knows the agony of our minds rewinding and replaying an old tape incessantly. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Rewind. Play. Torment.

We keep waiting for the tape to wear out, but it never does. Some of us are still harboring such old guilt that it’s an eight-track, for crying out loud. Sadly, people die with old tapes still rewinding and playing in their minds and haunting their consciences.

You see, the tape is established in our memory. We have no way of getting rid of it. We make promises such as, “Today I’m not going to think about this part of my past or my old sin a single time.” We even make the commitment to God in prayer. Then by 10:00 a.m., the old mental habits kick back in; we involuntarily push rewind and play again. No amount of determination or even time can make a powerful old tape cease playing on the recorder of our minds and consciences.

What is the answer? We have to record over the old tape with the truth of God’s Word and the testimony of His fresh work! I cannot take back my past sins, but I can allow God to forgive me, restore me, redeem every mistake I’ve made, and cleanse my guilty conscience. Thereby, through the power of the Holy Spirit, my past is reframed, and its destructive power is diffused.

When Satan comes back to taunt me, I replay the old tape with the new recording of God’s forgiveness and redemption on it. I have said to the accuser, “You’re right about one thing only. I did commit that sin, but God has graciously forgiven me. He has empowered me to live differently and even redeemed my mistakes. He has used my past experiences to make me compassionate and merciful. You cannot make unclean what my God has made clean. I’ve been to the cross and trusted Christ not only to save me from my sins but to cleanse my guilty conscience. You’re too late, devil. You no longer have grounds to torment me. Your voice is strong and loud, but I refuse to believe you. I believe God, and I will hold unswervingly to the work He has accomplished in me.”

I just demonstrated what it sounds like when we push rewind and play the old tape with new information recorded on it. Satan hates to hear our testimonies of God’s redemption so much that if you’ll keep reframing it with God’s truth every time the devil accuses you, he will stop.

Lord, I want to cease cooperating with the enemy and start cooperating with You, my faithful God. I don’t have to suffer an agonizing conscience when I’ve turned from sin! I believe and confess that the cross is strong enough to cleanse my conscience. Please help me return to the cross where I first believed, and believe my Savior to set me free not only from my sin but from my guilt. In His merciful name, Amen.

Adapted from When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, by Beth Moore, pages 134-142. Nashville: LifeWay Press, 2003.

Abuse

Where does your anger stem from? Some type of abuse, sexual (childhood molestation, rape) , physical, emotional or all three? Or could it be a divorce you are experiencing, whether you are the one getting a divorce, or are a child that has physically grown up into an adult, but mentally and emotionally still carry the scars/guilt/pain of divorced parents so long ago? How about adultery, rejection, jealousy, bitterness, envy, resentment, pride, an untimely illness or death of a loved one, etc.? I can go on and on and on. Or you just don't know!!
The truth is...... anger not in its proper form, is destructive!! Until you get to the root of your anger, you will never be free from it. It will be there to haunt you. Believe you me, I still struggle with anger. I find myself at times still dealing with a lot of things from my past that tick me off literally. Seek some good Christian counseling, besides the Great Counselor (God). There is nothing wrong with seeking help to talk things out. It does help. Grant it, it can be very painful, in fact some times extremely painful, but worth it in the end, if you are truly open to getting healed from the inside out!! Also, be transparent with God and tell Him exactly how you feel. He will NOT fall off His throne when He hears what you have to say! Hey, God knows you can be real. After all He made you. I thank God that I am not where I once was, but am glad where I have come from.
I also try and reflect on what Jesus said, "Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath." Ephesians 4:26 Each day we all encounter frustrations in our lives that may bring about anger which may result in things said that we should not have. "But now you must also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth." Colossians 3:8 God knows our hearts He knows our hurts and He knows what it is like to be human.