HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Wanted to share the below taken from the Life Recovery Bible:

The recovery process will only be as successful as the health of our relationships. We may have the best of intentions, but if we are surrounded with unhealthy relationships, we are headed nowhere. The book of Proverbs gives us sound advice for building healthy relationships with friends, family and coworkers. We are called to be consistent and tactful and to use self-discipline. If we hope to build the kind of relationships that will help us love and follow God, high moral standards are essential, for us and for those close to us. (The Life Recovery Bible NLT)
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Also, if you have a moment, please stop by FINALLY FREE for a bit of inspiration and uplifting!

ESCAPE FROM LA LA LAND

In order for me to heal, my stinking thinking needs to be somewhat in balance. Since I made some progress in my last t. session of being able to finally express my survival mode into la la land, the foundation is now laid. Now there is more substantial ground to work with in order to deal with the abuse down the line. The la-la lands go even deeper. Will be able now to share them in t. as I feel I am finally understood in this area.

***pausing to make sure this makes sense ???***

Normally it is group night, but we are off. Friday will be a PTO day for me as well! I certainly do welcome the time off at this point as my body is not cooperating and needs rest along with my mind.

MASKS

I wear more than one mask.

Not just one outside in public, but even when I am by myself. I cannot even be comfortable with who I am alone. Was finally able to express myself as best as I could to my t. the other day about this. I feel I am always screaming inside trying to express this other mask, but just could not. The right words I could not find and then question myself if this even makes sense at all. Apparently it does. So, it did feel good to finally have someone understand just what I deal with “being alone” in my own fantasy world daily. Sure, I can understand someone putting on a mask in public, but to have it remain on in private, has always blown me away. I just lived with it. In essence I guess fooling even myself. The mask progressively became a part of me, enmeshing unhealthy beliefs even to this day. Hoping the time in between me catching myself going off into la-la land now will become shorter as I deal with this particular mask each minute, hour, day etc.

My ultimate goal in life also is to live 100% trusting God. To have my self-worth in Him alone. (I do realize some of you may not totally believe this, and that is okay) All my life I have let circumstances dictate how I feel. I am tired of this now and it really is not healthy. This is all I knew until I came out of denial and truly wanted to work on my problems. The only issue I hate about this process, is that it is going to take time. I mean it just did not happen over night that I became this way…..it took time. So the undoing will also take time. Ugh!!!

I am just so tired, and I know a lot of you can relate.

***JUST BE REAL AWARD***

<a href="http://justbereal77.blogspot.com"><img src="http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/8706/awardj.jpg"/></a>

Welcome to the “Just Be Real“ Award post.

This post will be much lighter than my previous, as I still need more time to process a lot of vital realizations to the unmasking of myself. And in all honesty, I need a break too.

In the meanwhile, I wanted to acknowledge mainly everyone who has responded to my blog my appreciation I have for you in sharing your struggles, victories and “just being real” as encouragement for me. If you do not find your blog listed below, please feel free to take the award anyway! (copy and paste the code into your blog from above)

You need not feel obligated to receive this award. I just would like to thank you.

In no particular order:

ANONOYMOUS DRIFTER
SURVIVING BY GRACE
GOOD ENOUGH
ANOTHER SOBER ALCOHOLIC
THE MELINDAVILLE BLOG
THROUGH THE DARKNESS
WALK DAILY FOR TRUTH
1 DOOR AWAY FROM HEAVEN
IS IT THE WEEKEND YET?
COME INTO MY CLOSET
ONE PRAYER GIRL
LIFES SPACINGS
HAUNTED HOUSE
AMBERSUN
THE GIRL WHO WEARS MY SHOES
SPIRITUAL BRUSH STROKES
RAMBLING STUFF
THANKFULLY CHEWED UP AND SPAT BACK OUT
HEAL AND FORGIVE
AMAZING ADVENTURE
EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND YOUR FAITH
THE THRIVERS TOOL BOX
BORDERLINE LIL
SURVIVORS CAN THRIVE
MANIC MOTHER
A PLACE FOR ME
SPIRITUAL JOURNEY OF A LIGHTWORKER
WANDA’S WINGS
LOVE IS A JOURNEY
LIFT YOU UP BLOG
HIGH MAINTENANCE BELIEVER
WHITE PLATONIC DREAMS
SCREAM QUIETLY
HELLA HEAVEN
BRAIN FOG

RECOVERING from RECOVERY

What four days!

I feel comfortable now to share that my visitors were my older brother (who sexually abused me as a child) and my sister-in-law. Right after they left today to go back home, I just collapsed in my room and laid on the floor for about ½ hour trying to rebuild what was torn down. Have a lot of questions and sorting out to do!! Calling upon my Lord all the while!

There will be a whole lot of processing going on for a while for me after their visit. Right now I can look at how I behaved and reacted to many certain “verbal and visual abuses” that were directed towards me, as subtle as they may be. I found myself at times feeling as a little child, withdrawn when I could not handle the so called “innocent” jabs or stand up to what was said to me (a mother who continues to be “presently” a controlling factor in my life.) My emotions and feelings are very raw now, so pain in the gut is more intense. In a way I do recognize this to be a good thing. Anger issues still remain with me. Realization more of neglect by my parents while growing up became more apparent to me still. So, in the days to follow I will continue to process and write more on just what I went through, as best as I can.

***I still have not come to a place (but working on it) where I can actually apply and "feel" what happened to me as a child was WRONG. That is why, even though, it was a rough past four days, I was still able to tolerate my family. The day I know I am well along in recovery is when I will question with confidence, " what was done to me was totally wrong." Right now the proof of my past "to me" is in my actions and beief system, not my feelings as of yet. They have just not connected!!!***

I would like to share something from the Recovery Bible. Below is about the closest thing I can find thus far that I am feeling at the moment. I feel once again the stirring deep within me definitely senses something much more accurate out there I need to latch on to. Right now, God is not revealing it to me at the moment:

“The power of our dependency is often rooted in low self-esteem. These verses reveal an exciting fact: Each of us is an amazing creature-“wonderfully complex!” More than that, God is constantly thinking about us! We are so precious to Him that He has recorded every day of our life in a book. We may have been taught, in one way or another, that we were no good. We began to believe this message, and now we have fallen into various destructive methods to deal with the pain. When we see our self as God sees us, much of the pain that drives our dependency will fall away.”

The above is referring to Psalm 139:13-18. Right now, a lot of this is all just words to me. But, I believe each day as I meditate and the scars begin to heal I will one day feel how much God does love and care about me.

SATURDAY

Another full day planned. Not used to my days being so full. Not gonna lie, not doing too well. Battling the usual stuff of emptiness, even when I have people around me. Probably more heighten because of these people around me. I just want to stay in bed all day, but cannot for obvious reasons. Hopefully, once the sun rises, my spirits will be lifted to get me through this day taking it one step at a time.

OH HAPPY DAY!

Off to have a busy day ahead planned with the family. I am exhausted, but hey that is life.

Amazing in just the short time already my yesterday afternoon and this morning already have not gone uneventful, which was certainly expected. Totally amazing what telephone conversations can do to you with "digs" also. Most of the time I let everyone else engage in their yada yada conversations listening to digs here and there and just thinking “this has been the norm” all my life. Interesting to sit back and be the spectator and just see how controlling some people are and finally realize “this is sick.” Already fell right back into some areas I have not conquered yet and felt powerless. Very hurtful and cutting remarks made to and about me and at times and in all honesty I do feel defeated! But, at least now I am recognizing “Houston, There Is A Problem."

I can only pray for lighter moments between the underlying stabs through out the day as things really shift into gear face-to-face.

Until later........

CHECKING IN or OUT

Checking in or should say, "checking out.."

I don't know. I just came back from group tonight. Feel more detached than ever. I was just there in body but my mind was somewhere else. I felt so very empty, wanted to leave and felt non-existent. I am sure it is the situation with my outer-towners having somewhat of an effect on me.....whatever......

Just want to thank everyone so much for your uplifting encouraging comments full of love to me of recent!!!

I felt bad whining after posting my struggles with you all yesterday. I hate to whine! Anyway, this has passed and I have had time to process and give my situation to the Lord and remembered a wise individual who recently said to me, “I am not responsible for anyone elses’ happiness. It is not my job!”

Out-of-towners arrived safely, and earlier than expected this afternoon, so spent time already with them before I headed for group tonight.

I am in “surface talk mode” with my visitors, as that is what is expected. Hard to revert to that after being so real for so long, but ‘hey what can you do?’ Getting the usual and expected ‘verbal jabs’ to try and break me and feel guilty about something. Except this time, I am better prepared..... hopefully. Next few days will be a challenge, no doubt. I see myself becoming stronger through this trial, even though tonight feeling "not here or there mentally" so I am going with that! Prayer is certainly powerful and once again I so do appreciate you lifting me up!! Blessings everyone and thank you!

THE OUT OF TOWNERS

And it is not the movie!

Okay fellow-bloggers, this is going to be a "bad day/moment" post for me.
But that is okay!
This HAS GOT TO HAPPEN for me to eventually get well!
I am in preparation for a couple of close family members arriving tomorrow, Thursday, to spend four days with me. Have not seen them in over a year. Longer than normal. Still, not that this visit is unusual in the least, (as I have always welcomed them into my home) but unusual for this will be the first time they will be staying with me while I am going through my journey. Again, not that unusual, except one of the family members is ‘part of my journey.’ Even though I cannot really connect my head to my heart with what happened to me in the past with this family member as of yet, I feel this visit may be different still. Different as my thinking has changed these past few months, where now I am questioning things and becoming more confident in setting boundaries in areas that were once hidden. So, I will be curious myself how I respond, even ever so slightly while they are here. I am a tad, no, I am more than a tad scared. This is all new territory for me!!!

Just finished confirming with my family members their arrival tomorrow and the plan also is for them to come to church with me Sunday and meet up with another of my family member who is also a "major part of my journey" before they head back home!! To my surprise and shock, they are all excited about this!!! I can't say that I am!!! I seriously thought this would NOT happen and there would be no need for me to worry!!! Dang was I Wrong!! Still, don't get me wrong, I would love for them to hear and accept the message of the Gospel, but I am just overwhelmed at this point to begin with to have them visit me during my journey-land!!!!!! The hardest things here for me to admit is that I know God is in this plan not only just for my strengthening, but for the others involved in whatever He has planned for them! I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS..... PERIOD!! Running away is no option. I feel too much is being put on me at once. Then in Scripture God says He will not give us more than we can handle. So, I guess I can handle this with Him!

I still have a few days until Sunday to calm down (even while they are here), reason this out and process. The correct choice is to trust in the Lord, go to His Word, Believe What It Written and APPLY. Right now, I ain't trusting, but panicing. But, I am hoping to trust very sooooooooooon!!!!!! There is No Other Way!

Thursday night I still plan on going to group, and told my visitors they are on their own until Friday. Naturally, I could skip out because of company, but I will choose not to. I do need the support of others, especially at this time. Which brings me to ask for continued prayers for not only God’s protection (against Satan’s attack) and being open to His leading and revealing anything that I need to see, learn and process during this time. But, for me to get a freaking grip on myself for this Sunday's gathering which is already making me crazy with my stinking thinking and the paralyzing fear of the unknown! I need to be in control!!!! And it is being stripped away from me!!! And what irks me more is that I am the only one going through the "letting-go withdrawals" and having a hard time with it presently, where everyone else is in their own happy place and oblivious.

Ugh, I just hate this!!!!

MY REALNESS

This will probably turn into an “appreciation post,” in response to yesterday’s post Miserable in My Misery.

I will have bad days.

Just like everyone else here, they will come. Our intensities may differ! I consider a lot of you as regular sincere bloggers of mine and hopefully visa versa. That is the uniqueness of this so called “blogger family” we share. We can just do that…….”share” without fear of what the other may think. That being said, it is okay for you, I and anyone else to have a bad day and be here to support one another! This is what we do best. Ever since I have come to the realization of “being real” is the best way to go, I try and just do that. I do not want anyone ever to feel uncomfortable with my ‘realness.’ I am just putting it out at the moment exactly as best I can “what I am feeling.” Right now, I tend to be more negative than positive, but in time that will change as I heal and grow in the understanding of just “Who I Am,” and “Who God Has Made Me To Be.” Which will truly be “The Real Me” one day!!!! But, again, that is my realness right at the moment. “I could be feeling really crappy and I will say it and express it.” I may not express myself clearly at times. Also, most of us know we can lose meaning in our translation by typing our feelings out on a blog, email, etc. as opposed to talking face to face. So, it may be hard to read someone at times.

I want to thank you all for your sincere concern. You all have helped and encouraged me along my own journey in so many ways you have no idea! I truly appreciate every single one of you, and thank you from the bottom of my heart and enjoy getting to know each one of you as you too share from your heart!

MISERABLE IN MY MISERY

Tonight I just feel miserable. I know this will pass, like other times of recent. But, I truly hate going through feeling strangled inside the pit of my being and my soul crying out literally to the Lord, as I am down on my knees to take away the unhappiness, loneliness and the overwhelming thoughts of present. I know this is all part of the journey and brokenness, but at the same time it hurts like hell!!

HIDING PLACE

My brokenness is becoming more intense and very painful!
Below is exactly how I am feeling:


Hiding Place – Sara Groves

Early when the day is new
Before the stirring
I will come and talk to you
And confess the ways I am broken
To recall the words you've spoken
And to try to comprehend
The love you have for me

You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong

You never meant for me to walk alone
You are always for me
As the truest lover of my soul
You hear my desperate calling
You have kept my feet from falling
And have set me on this rock on which I'm standing now

You are my hiding place
You fill my broken heart with songs
Songs of deliverance
You sing of how the weak are strong

And I believe you
For you've saved me from my darkness and my shame
And I believe you
For I hear your song of beauty over the pain

RELEASE IT "JBR"

Today, on my day off, I found myself naturally doing my “mind walks,” enjoying a pretty nice day outside. Humidy low with a nice gentle breeze. Still it can be a beautiful day on the outside, but in the inside a storm is raging. At one point, as brief as it was, I came into reality and thanked God for the nice beautiful weather He provided for my walks, to be able to have the sun shine on my face and breathe the air He supplied! Then deep within I felt the groaning (as soooo many times before) of so much pain and me saying out loud in desperation as I concluded my walk, “Take It Lord,” and a gentle voice saying back to me, “You Have Not Released It To Me Yet.”

I'M TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE

Taking tomorrow off and for the next few Friday’s will do the same. Have to use up some of my vacation time or lose it. So, I would think the ideal time to use my remaining days off would be the next day after Group. I can then regroup, process without interruption, catching up on responding to a lot of your comments to me and have an extended weekend. Even though I do not particularly like weekends at the moment (because I am too much left to my own stinking thinking), I have realized I am just too much of a zombie come Friday, so the day off(s) will be welcoming at this point.

I did NOT want to go to Group tonight! I thought of every excuse possible. I did not sleep well, work was a bear, I did not want to make the drive, I am just too ‘frickin’ tired.

But, I went.

I feel like I am two different people.

When I blog, my thoughts come together much easier with less frustration in what I want to say than when IRL with both my counseling sessions weekly. It just continues to frickin’ irk me that at this point, even though I have made some strides, I am still detached and cannot emotionally reconnect.

REST THAT IS OFFERED

During the process of recovery we become aware of our need for a sheltered place in which to rest. The journey can be exhausting and disorienting. But we don't know how to rest. It doesn't come naturally to us. We don't know where to find a safe shelter.

Now imagine yourself resting in God's shadow. You are sheltered, safe, at rest. The heat of the desert will not consume you because of God's protection. You can sit and rest in God's loving presence. God is a shade, a shelter, a fortress. You can draw strength and comfort from God's presence. (excerpt from Dale and Juanita Ryan)

Ahhhh, to have rest in God! Sounds simply wonderful, doesn’t it? And it is there for the taking! Not to have to worry about the crap of every day life, and what we experienced growing up, etc. We should not be carrying these heavy burdens ourselves and wearing ourselves down anyway! God wants us healthy and clear minded. Definitely something we want right?!! God does want us to rest in Him and not in the world and not in our past! But, at the same time, God Does Know, for many of us it will take time to heal. But, He offers a resting place during our healing process, which is “in His loving presence.”

Lately, I am finding myself prostrate on the ground before my Lord crying out to Him to experience the love He has to offer each one of us and to Rest in His Arms at the same time. Even today at work, I felt an unsettling in my spirit. I was not at rest, but I did not know why. I had to make sure with a few other co-workers/believers if they were sensing anything in their own spirit. They replied 'no.' Which led me to believe this was between God and I. Once in a while I will get this so called "check in my spirit" that I know God is up to something. Not necessarily always a good feeling, but He knows best in the end. At this point, I just do not know what it is totally yet. I surmise it has something to do with "Rest." Duh, here now the blog......

So, as hard as it is for many of us to relate to love, let alone the love that God offers....... God Is Love! Here is where faith can be utilized. I struggle just as much as the next person with “love”, so that is why we need to constantly be reminded about how much God does love us unconditionally no matter what we perceive and think about ourselves, God’s love and the rest He provides will always be available!

PAIN in the CHANGE

“Change is not a race. The change process can not be rushed. We often want to 'hurry it up', but we can't. Change that is real and long lasting requires patience and perseverance. When we have been practicing our dysfunctions for decades, we can expect that unlearning them will also take time. (excerpt from Dale and Juanita Ryan)

When we are in so much pain and turmoil, who would not want the pain to go away instantly? Who would not want the pain of abuse of any kind, whether substance, domestic, physical, emotional, sexual, etc. to vanish right away?

I would want the process of change to speed up so that ‘my mind can finally fuse with my heart in order that I could actually feel once again!’

After being sexually violated as a young child by a family member, I shut down by stuffing my emotions, turning within and basically denying something “bad” happened to me. To make matters worse, at the same time the abuse was going on my alcoholic parents were arguing and not getting along. At times I found myself within earshot of my parents arguments, or even being present, and witnessing my mother and father yell and cut one another apart. My insides churned up as the tears fell from my eyes and me voicing to them “to stop.” (One of the rare times I remember crying as a child, and actually was in touch with my feelings) The arguments were getting louder and directed more and more at one another. Some times, their anger would verbally be directed to us children. My father would often use the phrase, “Children are best seen and not heard,” and “You are a burden.” I quickly learned to not voice an opinion or if I did say it quickly. Divorce ensued shortly thereafter. Family split up literally. I got the rough end of the deal as I had to move away from my home state, friends, father, family and live with mother and new husband in new state and live a Father Knows Best/Leave It to Beaver life like nothing ever happened. But Now I Am Finding Out That It Did……over four decades later.

So, it is hard to ask change to hurry up. As much as I too want the pain to go away, I know (and this is my personal belief only) I must learn something through this painful journey I am on. I know for one thing, God disapproves of ANY kind of abuse and suffering!!! I do not have the answers to why He lets certain things happen. I certainly do not want to dwell the rest of my life on His reasoning’s of things, otherwise I would be God myself. I just want to get healthy both in mind and body and obey, as best as I can at this stage in my life, and find the purpose that He initially had planned for me.

GOD'S PLAN INCLUDES JOY

“Jesus had 'joy set before him'. Experiences of shame hurt us. Shame is always hurtful. But we are not entirely defenseless. Jesus drew strength to endure shame from the anticipation of joy. Shame can be better endured if we allow ourselves to remember that God has plans for us that include joy. We are not aimlessly adrift in life, headed nowhere, wanderers in a meaningless maze. On the contrary, every day takes us closer to the fulfillment of God's purposes. Justice and righteousness will reign in the end. Jesus' followers share his conviction that joy, not shame, is God's purpose in creation.” (excerpt from Dale and Juanita Ryan)

Despite what happened yesterday (shows me I still have my work cut out for me in the healing process) on Easter Sunday with the insensitive remarks made to me by 'family' before church and then having to deal with the same person a few hours later for Easter dinner, I still want to grow in strength as Jesus did to endure my past shame and have it replaced with joy! That is what we all are fighting for who struggle with our past. I constantly remind myself of my favorite Bible verse, Jer. 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope.”

I tell you, if it was not for God saying in His Word that He has a plan (and a good one) and a future for us, then what would be the purpose of living?

CONTROLLING

Despite it being one of the holiest days today (Happy Easter to all who observe), the blood relative I met up with at church this morning could not resist just before going in to make it a point that “I have changed and I am not the “sweet” person I used to be.” Not only in telling me this, but whipping out a photograph to push in the arrow of guilt even deeper into my heart and reiterating, “that is the sweet girl I once knew.” Then topping it off that they were not pleased with what I was wearing.

Emergency Mind Walk was awaiting me….but I could not attend to my sorting out this controlling issue with a walk as the service was soon to begin and I really wanted to hear God’s word, but had the insensitive remarks earlier rest on my thinking throughout, which pissed me off greatly. So there I sat in the service, pretending all is well, and boiling inside. All the while, this insensitive individual who thinks they are doing me a favor by desiring what they once knew of me to return, unfortunately is pushing me away even more at this time. I was gracious in my responding, but furious underneath.

MIND WALKS

I guess I am gonna have some bad days huh?
Thank you all for your love and encouraging words for me!! Your thoughtfulness helped tremendously! You all are very special!

This latest realization for me as to how much I have “stuffed” my emotional feelings over the years and how deep it goes where the “true” pain has not even surfaced yet, is coming more and more to light! At this time, I just do not feel what I am suppose to, but I am told it is there and the evidence not only shows up in unresolved anger, but perception and how I deal with every day life, simple to difficult.

Did, what I call a few “mind walks” (something a bit different from my regular daily walks with God) lately. Used to do scenic “mind drives” but, I find I can concentrate more ‘safely’ walking than driving. Since I am struggling big time, I need to get my act together to at least function somewhat normally and rid at least some of the crappy guilt I am feeling and clear some of this stinking thinking! Glad I have these few days off from work to re-group. Even find myself, beside reading the Word, clutching the Bible close to me for comfort.

Anyway, on one of my recent “mind walks” I was focusing on how I would feel guilty by the way I would respond to something, especially when I was called on it. Like,” it was my fault, and I should not be thinking or feeling a particular way and to get over it and behave.” Even into adulthood. I have always accepted things that are in question that “it is my problem, I have the issues. I am the odd one out.”

But…….maybe I am not? Maybe my abusive childhood actually did screw up my thinking and my way of responding to different circumstances that come up in my daily life out of fear, guilt and shame!? Certainly continues to look this way, and each day I am seeing it more and more!

NOT DOING GOOD

You know, some times I really, really, really, really hate to ‘be real.’

Life was so much simpler, just to deny and numb my feelings (stuffing and going off into a “la-la land of my choice in my head.”). Right now, all I know is that I would just love to go away indefinitely, be by myself (which I am pretty much a loner to begin with), and be totally oblivious and not feel, and not feel. Then again, it would not solve a thing. Maybe get some much more needed rest, but the crap I face now will still be there when I return. And I know I need to face my fears and pain of the past, but I honestly do not want to do it, and in the same breath I know I must!

****CAUTION**** LIFE IN PROGRESS

Well, it is Thursday, and that means……. Group Night!

Yes, even before the holidays, we are meeting, no taking a break! Fine with me. That means I take my “real self” as I know it, through out the day into a safe environment and digest not only what I am dealing with, but what others alike are dealing with and process and apply.

So, I know it will be a long and intense day and night for me. I am sure, as always, I will walk away from there with some bit of “hope.” Yes, I actually used the word “hope” as I need to now! After all that is part of my healing is to have hope! The hope of getting in touch with my pain (ugh) and feelings. The hope of finally breaking through to freedom and experiencing joy!!

With that being said, I want to leave you all with a little excerpt taken from a recovery devotional:

Sometimes it can seem that all there is to life is grief. We face painful realities and allow ourselves to feel the painful feelings. But grief is only for a season. There will come a season for joy. In fact one of the most surprising things about the recovery process is that as we grow in our capacity for experiencing deep emotional pain we also enlarge our capacity for experiencing joy. Recovery is not just about learning to experience unpleasant emotions. It is about learning to feel the full range of life's emotions.

MISCONCEPTIONS of PERCEPTIONS

Besides going to group once a week on Thursday, I also see my one-on-one t. every other week. And you thought my writings about my group were intense. Ha-

Before my brain starts to shut down tonight for processing, I wanted to write at least one thing for now that I am dealing with:

Perception.

How people say things (even how I perceive God and His written Word); how I process things and then how I accept the things and act on them. All of this happening most of the time in a split second or two after hearing or seeing what transpired.

But, is my perception accurate all of the time …. “no.” Let me make that a capital, “NO.” How about a red letter, capital “NO.” There, now I feel better.

Kidding aside, my perception is screwed up on many things that are due to my upbringing such as; a still controlling parent (even though I am at the age of "way–over accountability"); lack of a parent(s) (alcohol; not there for me in my growing up years); low self esteem (not encouraged, praised); ridiculed (made fun of, called stupid); broken family (parents divorced when I was 11); not being able to share appropriate feelings; sexual child abuse (by family and non family member) and on and on. I know a lot of you can certainly relate!

Therefore, perception is a biggy for us all and one that will take enormous time to conquer, as really we have been living with this screwed up way of thinking all of our lives, so it will take time. So, have been given some tools to use and work with when I am confronted with misconceptions of perceptions (Oooo I like that term). In time, there is that word again, it will get a lot easier as I become more confident in 'who I am' as an individual and realize that a lof of my problem is not mine at all, but the Other Person(s)!! If I can just be happy with myself where I am, and if the other person(s) have(has) a problem with it, then it is their problem and I can wipe my hands from it!!

Okay, I am fried! My synapses are starting to tell my neurotransmitters it is time to shut down for tonight. Night Night………

FATHER KNOWS BEST

In today’s post Father Knows Best, by Beth Moore, will deal with disciple. Hard to swallow for some of us who have been hurt by our earthly parents in more ways than we want to remember. Painful for some when we heard we were being disciplined because ‘we love you.’ Hopefully, as you read on, you and I can understand more of the true meaning of our Heavenly Father’s love for us:
* * * *Today’s Treasure: “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves” (Hebrews 12:5-6).

The Lord is a disciplinarian. Never doubt it. He is far too faithful to let us get away with some of the things we think, say, and do. He has obligated Himself to grow us, be glorified in us, and give us away to His Son as a fitting bride “made…ready” (Rev. 19:7). Completing the good work He began in us demands discipline.

What definition of discipline does the writer intend? Take another look at verse 11. We can describe the Lord’s discipline as His means of teaching profitable lessons in painful ways. Granted, some are more painful than others. The writer of Hebrews offers us wonderful encouragements in the midst of discipline. Let’s consider a few.

God only disciplines those He loves. Today’s text gives us reason to be concerned if we’ve never experienced the Lord’s discipline. If you have, Beloved, count yourself among His children. Unbelievers sometimes experience God’s wrath but, according to Hebrews 12, only His children undergo His discipline. How do we know the difference? Wrath is condemning in nature. Discipline is correcting in nature.

God always disciplines with expertise. He is the expert parent and disciplinarian. “Our fathers disciplined us…as they thought best” (v. 10). God disciplines us because He knows best. Unlike us, God won’t have parenting regrets. He doesn’t get wiser with age. He won’t someday be a grandparent who says, “I wish I knew then what I know now.” He is omniscient. He sees every detail, He knows every motive, He reads every thought, and He discerns every heart. He applies His loving discipline perfectly.

God never disciplines without profit in mind. Hebrews 12:11,13 lists at least three benefits discipline brings the teachable child: righteousness, peace, and healing. The straightforward approach of Proverbs 12:1 makes me laugh, “He who hates correction is stupid.” No wonder. Look at those gains!

In my late 30s, with fear and trepidation, I began to ask God to be strict with me. I saw that His ways produce constant wins and my ways produce only losses. I deeply desired to live the holy life and to glorify Him. This remains my ongoing pursuit and my daily struggle. As the apostle Paul said: “I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But…I press on” (Phil. 3:13-14).

God is presently doing what I asked Him to do. He is very strict with me, and I never attempt to cross a line that I don’t find Him standing on it. In order to cross it, I have to absolutely defy His authority. I’ve never been so disciplined—and I’ve never been so free. I am still capable of defying Him horribly but, if I dare, I pray His loving discipline will jerk me home.

Oh, beloved child of God, Father knows best.

Father, I rejoice that Your discipline means that I’m your beloved child. I praise You for being the expert Parent who disciplines perfectly and with full knowledge of the situation at hand. Please help me become a teachable child so that I can experience righteousness, peace, and healing. I know that freedom and joy are found in living under Your authority. I love You and I pray these things in Your Son’s name. Amen.

Adapted from Whispers of Hope, by Beth Moore, page 107. Nashville: LifeWay Press, 1998.

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Do you have any phrases you use, besides the “None of Your Business” or expletives with people who are in your face wanting a piece of you (i.e. what’s the scoop in your life)?

I heard the other day someone using the following phrase, “You are On a When To Need Know Basis” when expressing to individuals in their lives who get just a tad bit too close in stepping over the lines of established boundaries. I thought that was a really cool phrase to use when you do not want to share something.
I may use it. I will probably get slapped down for saying it, but hey why not try!

GROANS DEEP WITHIN

This is such a battle for me recently. After sleeping most of my Saturday and half of my Sunday away, I made myself get up and get outside to walk before the sun went down here in my parts. In doing so, this is when I reflect a lot on what is going on with me. Daily before work I try and walk a mile or two. Praise does not come easy for me these days, as much as the Lord deserves it, it is hard for me to give gratitude to my Creator. So my mornings mainly consist of reflecting and crying out to the Lord. This is all I can do for now.

Weekends are difficult for me, as I find I am more depressed and lack desire. Any who, - I got myself out of my pity party, even just for an hour and walked today. In these reflecting times when I just do not have any words that can describe how I am feeling I just dig deep within my being with deep groanings that only the Holy Spirit knows for the moment. It is like a cleansing. I can feel physically and emotionally that I am struggling. I just know it is extremely real, painful and emotionally draining.

KEEP THOSE EYES AWAY!

Besides escaping into a fantasy world to survive my childhood, I found once after my parents divorced in 1969, I picked up a guitar, taught myself to play and write songs. I have well over 200 songs. It was another outlet for me to escape and deal with what was going on. Even though at the time I did not know I was surviving! Sadly though, in looking at these songs today, I really did not write about how I was ‘really’ feeling. Many of my songs were very superficial. Probably makes sense, because today, even though I am more honest than I ever have been, it is the sharing and expressing of myself that is so very difficult, thus the superficialness of my youth.

I came across one of my songs today I wrote in 1974. I can even remember what prompted me in writing this one so vividly as a very young teenager in high school sitting in the last row of my English class in the wintertime. I was not a strong student; a loner, and always sat in the back. Did not care for school at all! I am not a prolific writer, as you will see.

Anyway, this song exhibits anger and hurt and one of my rare songs that are actually not superficial.

Keep Those Eyes Away

When you look at me again.
I will punch your face in.
Your eyes are looking my way.
Pretty soon I will have something to say.

Keep those eyes away.
Keep those eyes straight.
Keep those eyes away.
Keep those eyes straight.

I am paranoid when you look and see.
I keep thinking people are looking at me.
Please turn your eyes away.
For I can’t stand you looking my way.

Keep those eyes away.
Keep those eyes straight.
Keep those eyes away
Keep those eyes straight.

My eyes will wander to yours.
Then you’ll see what you’re getting into.
For my feelings for you.
Are something you better look out for.

GO AWAY!

Dang. The topic of “Hope” seems to be following me everywhere these days. I find myself saying, “Go Away, I don’t want to deal with you now!!” It is popping its annoying head up around every corner. Ugh! Not just in printed word, but hearing people talk about it. Here I am trying to avoid dealing with the feeling/emotion, and boom there it is again.

Why am I having soooooo much trouble accepting hope? I can answer that.....I am scared of the outcome. An outcome which would lead me to freedom! Can you believe that? Here I have the opportunity for something positive to experience, and I am scared to death to pursue it! Well, it makes sense when you were brought up with negativness, trauma, fear and controlling issues, you know no other way, I guess. So I avoid and run....... no wonder I am tired and whipped. Our bodies were not made to fight these battles!

So, with all that said, seeing in the subject line of my email this morning from my daily subscription from NACR Daily Mediation with the Ryan’s in bold letters, “Those Who Hope In The Lord,” I knew I was in trouble.

Leads me to believe and continue to ask, “Lord are you trying to tell me something?”

Duh!!!

Those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

Hope gives us strength. We need strength for the journey of recovery. We need strength to make the changes that need to be made -- and strength to grieve the losses which come with change. We need strength to keep on keeping on. Recovery requires a great deal of physical, emotional and spiritual strength. We draw that strength day-to-day from hope.

There are times when hope will allow us to soar. We will feel the exhilaration of change and new freedom. We will think about the future and imagine good things. We will soar with gratitude and joy because of hope.

There are other times when hope will allow us to run and not grow weary. We will keep going. Keep changing. Keep working. Keep feeling. We may get tired but hope will keep us from getting weary and wanting to give up. Hope helps us to keep running.

There are other times when hope will allow us to walk without fainting. Some days, in our recovery journey, continuing the journey at all is very difficult. The struggle we face may be so intense that we would faint if it were not for hope. But hope helps us to take the next step. One slow step at a time. Step by step, without fainting.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of hope.
Thank you for the days when hope
allows me to soar.
And for the days when it
allows me to keep running.
And thank you for the days when hope
gives me the courage to walk
without fainting.
Thank you for hope.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
****
Even though I have been avoiding accepting hope, it appears that I am walking with it. As stated above, “We may get tired but hope will keep us from getting weary and wanting to give up. Hope helps us to keep running.”

ADDENDUM

A few of you commented in my recent post just below this one about how positive I sound with the emotional pain I am experiencing. I thank you for taking notice.

I am certainly NOT one to write long posts as I really do not like to share much about myself (part of my healing is trying to change this), but I am afraid this post may be an exception. I think really deep down I am finding out one of my gifts is that of an encourager.

I feel really crappy, both physically and emotionally. I have a lot to process and will continue to do so, no doubt throughout my journey and t. sessions. In no way am I minimizing my emotional pain. As some of you, I have tons of baggage that needs to get lost at the never ending baggage claim terminal and never to be found again. In fact today while processing, I had to get alone with myself two times in one of my secrete hide-outs at work (there are many crevices in the building I work in that I discovered just for occasions like this, and it is not a stall in the bathroom) and talk not only to God but also to talk sense to myself. Literally speaking out loud (so my ears could hear and the truth could get inside) the Word of God as I was being bombarded by the enemy with thoughts of “how stupid I am, this is not going to work, you will always feel this pain in your gut, people will hurt you, you will never get well, and things will only get worse!” Whether I was successful in believing and convincing myself I am worthy, regardless I still needed to follow through and make the effort. In time I pray it will come easier for me as I become healthier in my thinking. So, even though I state I am trying to be positive, it is extremely hard at times for me! I am cautious to use the word “hopeful” at this point, as I continue to struggle with its definition. “Positive” seems more safe.

Well, I am about to close this post. It is not as long as I thought it would be, but then again, it is long for me. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

DOWN FOR THE COUNT....BUT NOT 'OUT' YET

This will be brief. Brain dead!

The picture above shares how I feel tonight coming from Group.

This mental exhaustion is killing me!

You think you have it all under control, then God throws you a ‘caring’ left hook in getting you to open up 'a bit' about stuff you don't want to talk about. And this is only the beginning!

Emotional surgery ain't fun, but if it fixes you in the end, then it is worth it!

Down for the count now…..but soon will recover, to begin afresh next time by His Grace! I cannot wait for the day of my freedom, however long it takes!

Until later……off to process and get some Zzzzzzz.....

SUSTAINED HOPE

Since, I am struggling with this, I needed to share this devotional for today, not only for myself for anyone else who can benefit from it!


Then they led him away to crucify him.
Matthew 27:31

There are days when we find it difficult, if not impossible, to sustain hope. The day of Jesus' death was such a day. It was a day of despair for all who had put their hope in him. It was a day of unbearable grief for those who had been changed by his love. In such terrible moments hope disappears. Darkness seems to be all that remains. God seems absent.

It is, however, one of the most fundamental convictions of the Christian faith that, in those times when hope seems unattainable, God is at work. In that moment when even Jesus had a difficult time sustaining hope in God's redemptive purposes, God was fighting the decisive battle which would extend the rule of the Kingdom to all peoples. In that moment of terror, the foundations of reality were exposed and God was at work on the deep structures of the world. God could do work at that moment which would have been impossible during ordinary times.

Much the same is true of our moments of hopelessness. It is when hope grows weakest that our foundations are most exposed. It is when the struggle to sustain hope is most difficult that God can work on the deep structure of our persons. It is at those times that God can reach the unreachable crevices of our hearts and work on regions where fear and despair seem to reign.

It is a terrible thing to lose hope. But all is not lost. Though we lose hope, God is still at work. It may be that during our season of hopelessness God will extend the rule of the Kingdom of God into new regions of our lives.

In those times when I cannot hope, Lord,
help me to remember the work which
you accomplished during Jesus' hour of darkness.
Remind me, when I lose all hope,
that all hope is not gone
because you continue your work in me.
Extend the rule of your kingdom
into the deepest regions of my heart
where fear and despair have reigned for too long.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
* * * *
Especially the following paragraph in this devotional hit me:

"Much the same is true of our moments of hopelessness. It is when hope grows weakest that our foundations are most exposed. It is when the struggle to sustain hope is most difficult that God can work on the deep structure of our persons. It is at those times that God can reach the unreachable crevices of our hearts and work on regions where fear and despair seem to reign."

Very painful when God works some times. Like surgery without anesthesia!