LIVING MY LIFE THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE

I hate living by circumstance. But, this is how I have lived most of my life. Up down up down up down up down. Whom can I please to make me feel accepted? Up down up down up down up down yada yada yada.

Over my life span I have perfected my trade in pleasing people just to make me feel good and feel worthy. I learned very early on, all the intricacies in playing against different personalities by observing and watching what makes one person happy and what makes them not. I deliberately became what the other(s) wanted me to be, whether with my parents, relationships, friends, co-workers, etc. I certainly knew what I was doing and would even question myself at times why I was living my life through someone else? A lot of the time I felt other people’s lives were much more interesting and pleasant than mine! If you are honest and share this same struggle, you can agree that it takes a whole hell of a lot of mental and play acting effort, to keep this charade up. The majority of the time I was successful in pulling off “pretend friendships” a/k/a co-dependency, until the Lord had enough of that and once again "moved the person(s)" out of my life. Only to have the cycle start over again with me, finding someone new. It is a miserable existence, which sucks the life out of you!!!

In my journey to freedom, this is just another branch extension of mine that I am working on conquering! When you have been addicted to something for such a long time and it is taken away from you, there comes painful withdrawals. My "la-la land" runs along side with this and gets tangled up. Which in turns creates false perceptions at times. I can honestly say that the Lord has been preparing me for close to two years with this particular part of my journey. Thank God this element of it has been slow. As this is a tremendous stronghold for me, and for it to be ripped away from me in one sitting would certainly have landed me somewhere not too pleasant.

Many of us learn early in life that we need to earn our sense of value.
For some, value was earned by entertaining people with our clowning acts.
For others, value came from taking care of everyone else. And for others,
value was derived from achieving success of some kind. But often there is
no way to entertain enough, take care enough or achieve enough to meet our needs for approval. No matter how compulsively we entertain, or care or work, we still are not able to feel valued. These substitutes do not meet the deepest longings of our heart. In addition we run the risk of becomingv compulsively attached to these substitutes because we fear that the sense of value which they offer is our only hope of finding peace.

The longing to experience ourselves as valued is a fundamental human need.
The need is really a need to be heard, seen, enjoyed and loved by others
for who we are rather than for what we do. No amount of earned approval
can meet this need. We long to know that we have value simply because we exist. This kind of value cannot be earned, it must be received as a gift.

Jesus says to us "you are valuable. Simply because you are, you are valuable". The birds of the air are God's creatures. God sees them and cares for them. God made them and God enjoys them. They are valuable. You, too, are God's creation, made and known by God. God sees you and cares for you. You are of great value.

As we grow in our awareness that our true value is a gift already given to us by God, we can begin to let go of the tight hold we have on our substitute strategies for achieving worth.

Copyright 1991 Dale and Juanita Ryan

WHEN THE DEFENSES COME DOWN

Tonight was one of the first nights in group that I opened up more about myself. So, why do I feel SO VERY unsettled in my spirit? Well, on my ride home tonight, I searched deep within to see what is making me feel now so uncomfortable and unsettled (as stuff like this will tear me to pieces if I do not find some resolution)? Searching within, I felt I let my guard/defensives down among twelve other individuals tonight. Because, after all I need to be in control. I was scared silly! All eyes and ears were glued to what I had to say (which in essence freaked me out, as I am not used to having people actually care what I have to say). I had to step out and trust (again something I am just now getting used to) and believe that I was in a safe place to share. So, on my ride home (fastest route) here is a perfect example (which I now can recognize so that is a plus) of my ‘stinking thinking.’ I am dialoging back and forth with myself saying “how dare I open up,” “I should be ashamed of myself,” “you are a failure,” “you are not worthy to even share an opinion,” “do not ever do this again.” What is up with this?

Just part of my journey and forward progress, I suppose. As really bummed out as I am right now and unbelievably mad at myself (which I know is improper until I reason this out further), I know (1) this is an attack from Satan; and (2) my reaction is all I knew how to survive. As I stated earlier, at least there is a plus of improvement and that is I do recognize the ‘stinking thinking.’ So, now I need to work on counter-acting it.

SIGHTLESSNESS

I hate change! Who doesn’t? During my journey, it is inevitable. If I want to get well, there will have to be changes made in my life! Something extremely hard when I have been living this way most of my life. I have been so comfortable in my misery. As sick as that statement sounds, this is how a lot of us feel if we are truly honest!! Still, I KNOW I cannot live there anymore. That is why I began my journey to ultimate freedom!! Along with God, I know I have to trust “trusting” people in my life to point out things I do not always see because of my distorted perception. This has been so true in my journey. Things I have said or thought, which seem so natural to me, have been questioned by very trusting individual(s) and shown to me in a loving way that my thinking is not always what it seems. Something I had to get used to, and really in essence trust someone else than myself when it comes to my 'stinking thinkin'. It is not easy. Seeing clearly daily is a chore, but a must needed one. I have to be reminded also my feelings are valid and not down-play them and to always know, as hard as it may be, God will NOT abandon me.

God leads blind people along unfamiliar paths. God promises to make rough places smooth for sightless and disoriented people. God will not forsake them.

During recovery we often feel sightless and disoriented. Our abilities to see clearly are often very limited - we don't have enough distance on things to give proper perspective. Denial leaves us blind. Rejected emotions and ignored human needs can also contribute to spiritual and psychological blindness.

So many things in recovery are unfamiliar to us. We are not accustomed to feeling what we feel, to talking about our experiences, or to trusting other people. Honesty is new territory for us. All of this is not only unfamiliar territory, it is scary territory as well.

But it is exactly to people like us that God makes promises. God makes promises to sightless and disoriented people. God will guide. God will give light. God will smooth the rough places. God will not abandon.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

HUG A BIBLE

Lately I am finding so much comfort in just hugging my Bible. To the point that I have actually fallen asleep with hugging it. When I draw the Word to me, it is the closest to having God so very near to me when I hurt so bad.

WHY!!

I am actually beginning to question God more to why things happened as they did in my past and all the wasted years. Never have I done this before. Mainly because I was in denial and stuffed the pain so long, I did not know how to bring it up, except through rage now.

It is in the waves of despair that I am questioning God. I guess it is because at the moment of the pain, I am in such emotional duress, I want it to stop! I do welcome the deep emotional tears that are brought up at the same time, as brief as they are.

I know this present pain I am going through is part of my recovery. Am also aware I will only be here for a season at this present stage of my journey.

How long, O Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds.
Habakkuk 1:2-3,13

Where were you God? Where were you when I needed you? Didn't you see the violence? The abuse? The injustice? Didn't you care? There are times in recovery when we are full of questions about God. The pain of past trauma can be intensified when we begin to struggle with these hard questions about God.

It is important to acknowledge that these questions about God are not academic questions. No theoretical explanation of the problem of pain will soothe our raging, confused hearts. These are urgent, personal questions about God and about God's involvement in our lives. We want to know that God sees and cares and intervenes in our lives. We need God. We need God's love. We need God's help.

It is an important source of encouragement to know that we are not the first to ask these hard questions. There is clear biblical precedent for asking difficult questions about God. People of faith have always struggled with questions like these. We can take comfort and courage from knowing that the prophets also asked urgent questions similar to our own.

God, I am afraid.
I don't understand.
Violence and abuse happen and you do not stop it.
You seem absent.
You seem uncaring.
I need to know that you see and care.
I am calling to you for help, God.
Please hear me.
Please respond.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

NO SET TIMETABLE

In my journey, I am not only trusting God, but also know that God does not set a time table. He is very patient with us who are in recovery and who are truly trying to get well. Not saying that it is NOT difficult, which as we all know who struggle, how down-right painful recovery can be! But, at the same time, hard as it is to believe for some (I included), God is always, always, always with us !!! Quick fixes are hard to come by.

I would like to share an excerpt from NACR:

“This text states with great clarity two central truths which are critical to our survival in times like this. First, God has made a very specific promise to us. God says "I will be with you." This may not always be what we want. We may want God to take the floods of life away. We may want God to build dams upstream in life so that the danger of flood is diminished. But, God's promise is clear. I will be with you.

"When you pass through the waters, they will not sweep over you." God will protect us and see us through. There are times in recovery when there just doesn't seem to be any way to make it. Nothing is more painful in these times than to have someone who stands at a distance express optimism about our recovery in a way that minimizes the struggle. ["Oh, you're going to be fine. Stop worrying about it."] Conversely, nothing is more valuable in these times than to have someone with us who sees the danger clearly but who is able to be hopeful for us and protect us and see us through.”

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

EXHAUSTION

Today was extremely rough for me. Once again I felt I was out of sorts to the degree I got the shakes. Like I was going through withdrawals or something. My whole body felt totally exhausted, nauseated at times and dragging. The physical part of my journey has a way of taking its toll on me just as much as the emotional. Did not have waves of anything today, partly because (1) I was just plain too tired; and (2) I did not want to feel anything.

Had to leave work early and try and rest, as I felt so physically sick. I had every opportunity and excuse to use to try and get out of going to “group” tonight, but I made myself go despite how I was feeling as we were continuing with the topic of anger.

Seriously, I must have tuned out most things in my youth that seemed threatening to me, except enjoying playing sports from dawn to dusk, as I cannot recall how I expressed my anger as a child. Certainly must have stuffed it. I can remember my parents showing their anger…….but me…..hmmmmm…. hard to come by. I need to stop here....I am just too brain dead, feeling ill but grateful I arrived home in one piece.

Oh, b/t/w took the “fastest route” home tonight from group for those of your who are interested!

BOUTS OF SADNESS

Tears are flowing frequently this evening. Does not take much for me to get them going with bouts of sadness of thoughts from my upbringing and the results of the emotional pain. All during the day I would have my bouts of anguish and then would try and dash off to a secluded place at my work and have a brief cry. I could not wait to get home tonight, away from everyone and just let the pain flow freely. I am exhausted.....

ROLLING WAVES

Again, I want to extend a big “THANK YOU” to all of you who have been so kind and gracious with your words and loving support!!!!

So as my previous posts have alluded to, I have been struggling big time these past few days with emotional pains so deep sometimes I do not want to continue. Through the muck, all kinds of emotions are now surfacing. According to my t. it is like a volcano starting to erupt. And spewing from the center of my core which was penetrated a couple of weeks back in t. are ‘a little bit of’ giddiness/happiness (something I long for to return), then the usual ‘lot-a-bit of’ anger (have to continue to work on that one) and now my new one of ‘waves of grief’ which overflow into ‘waves of sadness.’

How ironic is this… Just now as I concluded typing the sentence above, a ‘wave of grief’ overcame me and I had to stop and let it happen with brief tears. Talk about being in the moment! Thank God they are just waves and not a raging sea! However, some waves are larger than others and at times I feel I could be swallowed up and taken under. But, then I know my God, and He is right there along side of me through my journey reaching down many a time bringing me back up to the surface to ‘the air I breathe!’

AIR I BREATHE

This song has brought me to my knees over the past few days:

WEEKEND'S REFLECTION

Secluded most of the weekend, the Lord and me!

It was hard for the most part in keeping my mind on the Lord with sharing and reading His Word. My anxious thoughts would just wander off to sometimes ”la-la land” or some other area of life. Still, I was able to connect with some things.

At times I would question myself through my frustrating painful tears of remorse of such wasted years. Why I chose the word “remorse” over “guilt” I do not know. I do not know if it is even the right word or feeling I am going with???? Just do not know. Maybe "grieving" is a better word???? Whatever it is that I am experiencing, it is painful to say the least.....anyway…then I would try and talk to myself saying that a lot of what I had become I had no control over; over the sexual abuse, over my parents divorce, over their alcoholism; over the neglect; over any other abuse I cannot remember.

Getting ticked now (**this is good**) at my parent’s divorce, which had a tremendous affect on me way before it became final a few years later. Screwed up most of my childhood witnessing arguments and then being whisked away by my mum remarrying and having to move to another state like nothing ever happened. Forget the effect it had on me suddenly at ten being removed from family, friends, school, home, play, etc. and having no say so in the matter! Ties in with my wasted years as I changed so drastically just to survive “the effects of the divorce,” which at the time was much more prevalent than the other crap I earlier endured.

ONE OF A TRUE BROKEN PEOPLE

It has taken me a while tonight to write this post, as short as it is, it is just really very difficult now for me to share.

Never did I think one day I would be "one of a true broken people” with deep anguish within my soul crying out to God to change and conform me to what He wants me to be. To take away the strongholds that have kept me in bondage for all these years that have literally made my life miserable beyond belief!! Right now, this part of my journey is only between God and me. I need Him so very bad now, it literally hurts deep within! When I first decided to take my journey to freedom, naturally I was told and also knew myself it would be difficult. Difficult to me was, “ahhh, no problem, I survived this long, what are another few bumps and bruises?” Yeah right. Not until you experience what you must go through to freedom do you know what difficult really is. . . . . and this is only the beginning.

DRIVING ME MAD!

All day Thursday I felt I was in a daze. A lot of this is due to the extreme emotional pain I am going through!!!!!

I felt I was neither here nor there. Not really ‘checked out’ or ‘disassociating’ just a sensation I get when I am not running on all cylinders. I go through the motions, and see myself get from point A to point B but behind a cloudy perception.

Then I end up having group later on Thursday evening and we are just now talking about “Anger and How to Cope With It.” Yippee!!! Something I can relate to at present! So, my cylinders got a quick cleaning in order to take in as best I could my already overloaded brain what was being discussed. The next few weeks we plan on expounding on this topic and going even deeper.

Currently, my safest place to let out my anger is in my car while driving. Safest is probably not the right word to use here, but you know what I mean. My vehicle is where I am triggered the most. Anyway, I feel in control. I can yell, scream, curse, and use hand gestures all I want just to vent. Not proud of this, but this is where I am now! There are two options for driving home when I leave group late at night and that is to take the “fast route” home or the “fastest route” home. Yes you heard me right. Mostly, I have been taking the “fast route” home, which consists of more traffic lights, which means having to stop (God forbid) and also deal with slower people than I on the road. Talk about anger rising inside me when I am being blocked or someone going too slow for me. Keeping in mind, this anger I experience has 'nothing' to do with what is going on in the outside world for me, but in the inside. Thus, why I am in t. Anyway.....or on occasion I have taken the “fastest route” home, which is an interstate where we all are literally crazy drivers going way too fast to get to our destination hopefully in one piece five minutes earlier. Big whoop. (no wonder I love riding Rollercoasters) My point here is that I cope much better stress/anger wise taking the “fastest route” home. Naturally, as we all are pretty much going on a law breaking steady stream of speed, non-stop. I am less stressed upon arriving safely at my destination, if you can believe that, then coming from the ”fast route” which in actuality should be the less stressful of the two. I guess you can say I live on the edge once in awhile. Whole point of this story….and I have no clue how this post totally took off in another direction then what I wanted it to go initially…….. oh well…….I did want to talk about anger, so I guess I did do that. The whole point of this post is the anger I display mainly in my car, or alone, or at times in public is only secondary to the core of my real issues of shame, unworthiness, rejection, and feeling abandoned, etc. I recognize this now, and am verbally saying the actual words, then saying the word “it” for each.

I HURT Pt. 2

Have been experiencing more of my "bad days" now. All in the journey. Not enjoying every minute of it, but going through the painful process as part of the healing! Thank you all who have come along side of me! Part of the pain is just “trying to be in the moment.” My moment. Noone elses, but mine! One of my biggest struggles. Not forcing anything, just letting life happen around me and taking the realization in. Don’t know? It is by the Grace of God that I can go to work daily, function somewhat normally and still have such turmoil raging inside me. Hate to sound like a broken record, but anger/rage continues to get the better of me still. I try and head it off at the pass before I explode, but it comes so quickly that a lot of the time it is just too late. I know my rage is taxing on my body and that is not good. Frustrating! Then the next minute I can have a quick burst of tears that only God “really” knows why I am crying. Nah…..I too know why I am crying. I feel guilt/shame for even allowing myself to have emotions that I will not even give myself the benefit of the doubt that I hurt!

Nevertheless, my heart yearns for the closeness of my Lord. Praise music has once again entered my life (God honored this) and I am trying to let the words soak into my heart for now as part of my medicine!

I HURT

I feel such a longing for the need of God’s presence and love in my life. I feel very low and unsettled today. I am sure the absence I feel for Him, stems from my childhood where my parents, in particular, my father not being there for me 100%. This is all new territory for me, uncharted waters to comprehend and even take notice in this stage of my life. Never really giving thought to it until recently, many years later. Talk about stuffing things. I am certainly learning that in my formative years if my parents were not there all of the time for me, nurturing, I shut down, along with the anger, fear, lonliness which I carried over and projected onto God. There is such a longing for my Creator to be restored back in my heart.

“I hurt.”

BLOGGING REAL or REAL BLOGGING?

Was contemplating what I would share in this post. Naturally, I could go the usual route and share a bit how my t. went tonight, and I probably will in a few paragraphs below. But, for now I feel I want to share a little about ‘what being real is to me as I blog,’ which will undoubtedly tie in to my IRL t.

Not in my wildest dreams did I think blogging about being “real” would be so beneficial not just to myself but to others, “you.” I am totally amazed, blown-away, surprised, shocked…. at “me,” “this person” who is actually writing intelligent sentences, talking about herself to people she has never met and connecting with so many alike. Not only is blogging for me good t. but, I truly believe it is good for a lot of you out there who share the same bond of “realness.” We learn, we grasp, we comfort, we ((((hug)))), some cry, we process what one another writes and hopefully, apply if applicable.

My blogging has now become my journaling when I go to my t. weekly. I find I am writing much more on my blog then when I was just jotting down in private my thoughts. More of my pain is revealed on my blog and I can better express myself as such. T. tonight was not as intense as last week, but major areas were uncovered for future dealings. So in essence, all of you are privy to my “blog journal,” from day one when I started a couple of months ago. How sweet is that?

WHATEVER.....

A "whatever" post.......

WRESTLING WITH OUR THOUGHTS!

A continuous battle for me and today is no different! For the most part for all of us if we are "real" unless you have conqured this area in your life, then great!!


How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
Psalm 13:1-2

Sometimes our spiritual distress is centered on questions about God. Where is God? Why doesn't God help? At other times our spiritual distress is centered on questions about ourselves. What is wrong with me? How come I'm still struggling this much?

Doubts about ourselves can be profoundly troubling. We wonder if our faith will survive the struggle. We wonder if our faith is strong enough. Often we feel like spiritual failures. The kind of spirituality we have been taught does not envision 'good' Christians as people who wrestle with their thoughts and are sad everyday. We think of 'good' Christians as people who trust God and manage to smile in the midst of any circumstances. When we can't manage to do this, we question and criticize ourselves.

But wrestling with our thoughts and experiencing sorrow day after day is often a part of the recovery process. It is not a sign of failure to engage in this hard work. It is a sign of courage. And it is a sign that our faith is alive and struggling. People of real faith struggle in life. People of real faith are people who wrestle with thoughts and who feel sorrow in their heart.

Lord, I get so tired of thought-wrestling.
And I am so weary of heart-sorrow.
How long, Lord?
How long does this wrestling and sorrow go on?

Help me, Lord, not to experience this struggle as spiritual failure.
Help me to see this hard work as drawing me closer to you.
Remind me today that you are with me in all of this.
Remind me today that you understand.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

STIRRING

These past few days I have been in prayer and reflecting. Been more in solitude (if that is possible) than I ever have spending time with the Lord. Some moments are better than others, and some are so gut wrenching I just want to die! For me, it is not easy waiting on the Lord, especially when I have not been giving my whole heart to Him. Still, in these few days, I have not only grown to the understanding how much He does love me (even though it is still extremely hard for me to connect to this), but how much I need to love myself (even harder).

There was a time where I was so free in my Christian walk (even though I had stuffed the pain I endured all my life), the Lord still honored my sincere heart and I was "one with Him." Riding a ‘natural high’ that could not be explained!!! Such a communion with God, Slain in the Spirit, head-over-heals on fire for Him! Over the years as time went on my flame burned out.

A stirring has arisen back in me these past few months. A painful stirring that is. My Lord wants me to take notice and deal with once and for all!!!!

My Past!!!

NO more playing around!! Serious business. I feel He has greater and bigger plans for me down the line.

I look forward to regaining the zeal that I lost for Him, but with a new twist of having dealt with the pain of my past! Not saying it will not be easy obtaining my freedom...as I know I have to go through some really hard and painful stuff still. But, it is attainable and I am willing and I Am Not Alone......as I walk towards freedom!!!!!

MATTER OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself saying more and more in desperation these days to the Lord, “I am so tired.” Not just physically, but of fighting. Tired of fighting against Him. Who am I to think I can win a battle against the Lord? If anything, He Is For Me, Not Against Me! Then why do I continue to battle Him? Why is it just so hard to give my pain up to Him? Who would not want to give up the pain of childhood sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment and other crap? Why keep something so painful, like cherished gifts? In saying all this, I at the same time have never been so close to ‘breaking.’ Without a doubt, I am sooooo damn determined, that I will surrender all to Him. Just a matter of time. He has been waiting. Waiting for a very long time I am afraid!!! My turn next to end the wait. I know the H.S. is gentle, and will never force, but at the same time I am soooooooo very scared and so very stubborn!

I am really really really really really really struggling here!!!!!!

I really wish I had the weekend to myself. But being it is Mother’s Day on Sunday, I cannot avoid another one of my stumbling blocks….. “mother.” Right now I am not at a place where I can “happily endure.” Will end up doing my duty Sunday, leave and then a new day will dawn!

KITTY vs. PRINTER

A change of pace this post.

This video has probably been circling the internet and emails for a while, so you may have already seen it. I just cannot pass up the opportunity to share it for those who have not. This made me really laugh. Something that does not happen too often these days…… Have your volume on.

I love “real” stuff like this. Not planned, not thought out, just real while it is happening. Even if it is an animal that is being real for a change.

Enjoy!!

COMPASSION

Been a rough couple of days for me, ever since digging deeper in t. on Tuesday. Had group also tonight so I am tired, exhausted and brain dead to say the least. Some times I wonder if I have enough space in my cerebellum to retain everything?

In one of my early morning walks this week, I came across a snail. Not unusual. Snail season is in, and many a time I find myself moving some of the snails out of harms way so a 1000 pound car in the next minute or two would not drive over it and snuff the life from its slimy existence! Now if it was a cockroach, different story. Anyway, the compassion I have for such a small yukky thing, I can only hope one day that I could apply that much grace on myself.

RESCUE ME

I am having trouble forming thoughts for this post here as how I am feeling or doing, so I am going to let this song written by Wynonna Judd talk for me today:

Rescue Me

What do you do when you're scared inside?
When all of your feelings
just seem to collide
Emotions just seem to let go
All of your tears always follow

All of these things that
you're feeling deep down
And you realize that
you're calling out loud

[Chorus]
I love Thee
Rescue me
Shine your light lead me home
Lord, all I need is your love
I love Thee
Rescue me
Shine your light lead me home
Lord, all I need is your love
Rescue me, rescue me

What do you do when the path leads nowhere?
When you need someone to be there
Now you're afraid of what's gonna come
And now there's nowhere to run

All of these things that
you're feeling deep down
Then you realize that
you're calling out loud

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Oh it's love's sweet salvation
With Christ the Blessed Lamb
We can get through anything as
long as it's you and me

LET IT HAPPEN

I do not even know where to begin on this one!

Right now it has taken me a few hours just to recover physically from today’s t. My body reacted to some “fearful” realizations. One being “fear” itself. In truth, ‘paralyzing fear.’ Paralyzing numbing fear where I felt I could not move, could not speak (except nod), could not feel at one point my extremities and had trouble swallowing. Wanted to bolt!! Feeling surreal; is this really happening; am I B.S-ing?

Am exhausted!!!!! And to think, this is only the tip of the iceberg!

Even in my healing I feel the need “to do it right.” But, is there a right way??? No! This is what I need to understand and BELIEVE!!!! I am going on what I think should be right and that is the wrong way to approach my goal. For one, I know my thinking can be screwed up, so what I think is “right” could totally be “wrong.” Others see what I do not see…..yet. So I need to trust the ones who do know and who have gone through similarities themselves and not always rely on “what I think should be happening” and just let it happen!

Blattidae

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, did God create cockroaches????????

ESCAPING

Was debating if I should write anything tonight, as really I am not in any mood to share anything. I already suffer from social isolation IRL, so to have me shut down with my blog friends… that would not be a good thing. So, I am putting forth major effort here to type something. As some of us have stated more than once on our own blogs to why we may have been MIA, I am probably no different by saying, “I feel I am struggling big time, a burden, whining, exhausted and just cannot get my act together?”

Naturally, with all that being said, I know I have the tools to pull me out of this “present rut.” Sheez, there are over 65 entries referring to them here. Most I have written myself!

God being my Master Tool!

But it is hard……

BEAM ME UP GOD

No need to explain.

THE WAIT

I thought I would share another song, like the one earlier shared HERE that I wrote.

The Wait also was written in 1974 while sitting in the back row of once again my English class. Told you, I did not pay much attention in school. The song is more complex, poorly structured and abstracted (is that a word?) than the other which was more direct and full of anger. As stated before, I do not have many “personal” related songs. All others are superficial. Except once in a blue moon reality would set in and I produced something that was actually happening at the time to me and I wrote about it:

The Wait

The view I look, through my eyes.
I see is the morning dew on the leaves.
As I watch, feet walk in.
The morning bell rings within.
The aisle lined up, for the big event.
To me it means, “that my life is spent.”

The long wait.
The wait to see.
The wait to be.
Is when we see.
The thing that’s me.
This thing will come.
But, I’ll have to wait, patiently.

The weariness inside.
The butterflies.
Are there to be released.
The thoughts through my mind.

The long wait.
The time is here.
The wait is gone.
The wait of fear.
The fear is gone.
My life carries on.

Until next term.
The wait will return.

I am not revealing yet “the thing” I was waiting for….. any guesses???

TREADING

All my life, even as a professing Christian, my happiness would be founded on circumstances. God would be put in there somewhere conveniently, but not whole-heartedly. Even though happiness has been far and few in-between for most of my life, to now know my healing will require me to do a complete ‘360’ and apply a 100% trust factor in God scares the **** out of me! More new territory for me to deal with. I feel I am treading water in rough seas taking in water, gasping for air as I try to stay afloat of my own accord. Believe it or not, just that statement I made now is so ‘surface.’ Not real. Sure I can say I am treading water just to stay afloat and sound so poetic, but in actuality I am sitting in my own little world, as early in the morning as it is here, reacting to the gut-wrenching pangs of unhappiness along with frustrating anger as I write this post deep down inside because I just do not like what is happening around me. The emotions I do not know if I can trust and the thinking I do not know if I can trust. Wa-la – circumstances dictate and thus "I am not content in my moment.” Certainly I am aware my past plays into this stinking thinking and being content in my moment ‘one day’ will take time…… a lot of time…….

With that being said…..there is an “up-side.” Not going all gloom and doom here!! Tired of that also! The “other inspiring Truth” comes into play. A Goal. A Hope. A Glorious Future! The hope of one day my happiness will be grounded totally in God! This is what I hold on to. This is what my blog is about. This is what I hope I come over as!
****
Excerpts from The Life Recovery Bible:

It is not uncommon to link our perceptions about God to our childhood experiences with people who played powerful roles in our life. If we have been victimized in the past by people who were capricious, abusive, distant, uncaring, or incompetent, we may now anticipate these qualities in God.
Just because God is a power greater than we are and the people who victimized us represented a power greater than we were, we must not conclude that God will harm us if we entrust our life to him.

God says, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5

ABANDONED, NEGLECTED and ALONE

***Possible Triggers***



Rough morning for me already…..but this will pass…..
My spirit is so unsettling.

This devotional always touches my heart.

The words here really cut painfully deep for me, especially “the social isolation.” A coping mechanisms for many us, but an oh so very soerly one!!!

In the paragraph below that is highlighted in blue, you will see I have for my “header” to my blog. The words and meaning are very special to me! I hold on to those words with dear life. Some days are extremely hard to do so, and they get lost in my struggles. But, somehow, they manage to make their way back and once again I can hold on to “their hope.”
* * * *
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. Isaiah 43:1

Abandoned. Neglected. Alone.

Many of us share these painful struggles. Unfortunately, many of us have struggled with them from very early in life. People from dysfunctional families often feel that they were never acceptable to their parents. Many struggle with the feeling that they can never be good enough to receive attention. If reinforced by rejection or abandonment from friends, colleagues, or other significant people in our lives, we can easily conclude that we don't really 'belong' at all.

Humans have a deep longing to belong, to be emotionally bonded with others. Social isolation can be very painful to us. But social isolation may have felt like the only option open to us as children. Attempts at closeness may have meant experiencing control, abuse, rejection or loss. We may have pulled away to protect ourselves, even though it left us lonely and afraid.

God comes to our lonely, anxious hearts and whispers our name. God says "I see both the fear you have of closeness and the deep longing you have to belong. I have come to comfort you and to respond to your need. I have been seeking a relationship with you. You belong. You belong to me. You are my child."

It may frighten us - this invitation to belong to God - even though we long for it. It may frighten us because we expect pain and disappointment, over-control and rejection. But gradually, as we continue the healing process, we can allow God to meet this deep need. We can allow ourselves to belong more and more to God.

Help me, God, to allow myself to belong to you. Thank you for calling me by name. Thank you for saying 'you are mine'. I want to belong to you, God. Help me to heal, Great Physician, So that I can accept my place in your family. Take away my fear, Father, give me the courage to belong to you.
Amen

Copyright 1991 Dale and Juanita Ryan