FREEDOM FROM FEAR

I would like to share the following topic on 'Freedom from Fear.' Please click HERE to read about someone I respect highly and has shared how she over came tremendous fear in a certain area.

I trust that you will be blessed by her testimony and encouraged, as I was.

IN SEARCH OF..........

This is an off-the-wall post.

Seems that I have not only become more sensitive to visual things lately but there is a instrumental piece that is played constantly on PBS (United States) television that I have no clue of the title. The instrumental is emotionally powerful and a big trigger for me every time I hear it. For the life of me I cannot locate the 20 second or so “instrumental break” that usually precedes the next program on PBS. Usually, they play this piece in the evening hours after each program. Saturday evenings is where I hear it the most and I make sure I tune in just to get my fix and try and figure out why is affects me sooooo!!!!


The above picture is the logo that is shown while playing. If anyone knows the title of this instrumental piece, please let me know. Unfortunately, the title is not "Explore Your Possibilities," that would be too easy. I have been searching for over a year for this song to no avail. Even on the PBS’ website, Youtube, Google I cannot find it. To this day, I cannot put my finger on why this ‘one particular’ piece has such an affect on me. It has been irking me all this time, that I finally I broke down tonight and emailed PBS to let me know the title of this instrumental. Will be curious to see if they respond.

The response in me is so overwhelming when I see the visual of the silhouettes of the bass player and a flamingo along with the music that I am set back 40 years.

SELF-CONTROL

"If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of "other control," which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change."

Boundaries, p. 243

How so very promising for us who struggle in this area, and how so very scary at the same time. To have others, if we keep steadfast in our ways and keep our boundaries up and strong, to find other means (may be even total cut-off/rejection) to relate to us. I wonder through this process, how many on the other side actually see healthy results not only in the lives of the one(s) they have been controlling, but in their own lives? I guess time will tell.

Some make it and some do not, I suppose.

BETWEEN GOD AND ME

Seems I have been out of commission for a few days emotionally. At this point of my journey, I feel it is more between God and me.

The hurts, tears, frustrations, dreams, beliefs, questions, doubts, reasonings that I am having now are so locked up inside my head/heart that there is no way I could even put into words what I am feeling and relay it to another human being. Inside I know what is going on, and it is so unbelievably crystal clear, it is amazing....but becomes overwhelming to try and express exactly what I am experiencing within with words. There are NO words!!!! That is why I know only God at this time has to actually heal this particular pain of mine. Not saying that God cannot heal all our pain and bless us with others to help us along with wonderful encouragement (thank you all), but I sense in my spirit this time for me is between God and myself. Only He can show and walk with me exactly what needs to be done. After all He created us, so He should have no problem figuring out what is going on in my head/heart.

RANTING EMOTIONS

***My emotions are writing this entry***
Two days ago I can have such a positive post about “Busting Out,” when now I am so very angry, agitated, ready to throw in the towel, bitchy, feel a failure, feel guilty just because of all that I listed just now, knowing I should not feel guilty because I have nothing to be guilty about and I should think positive and what - not and yada yada yada!

Okay, so ‘what triggered all this crap’ you say? Every day stuff that just piled on top of one another and my stinking thinking. Feeling weak in mind, burnt out and then perceiving things, i.e. rejection that were not true. Knowing all this, still I stumbled and fell into this mind pattern which set the stage for me through out the day for, I hate to use the word, 'failure!' And for some stupid reason I am feeling powerless, defenseless, weak and defeated and not able to pick myself up from this episode. I feel very vulnerable today sometimes questioning is it all worth it, knowing that it is worth it and I have a God to help see me through..... but still....

I am looking within to see what set me off. Yeah, yeah, I know I am human, I should be gentle with myself, and at the same time I do not want to play the victim here or have a pity party.

I hope you can make some sense out of what I just written, as I am just typing what I think I am feeling and experiencing. I will end now, as I am tired, angry and want to go to bed and start over afresh tomorrow. Sorry for the rant. But, hey, if you want the real me, here is some of me that is real.

BOUNDARIES UNDER ATTACK

Continuing reading from the book Boundaries, I found this one powerful paragraph which in reality is something we all have to face when we set them up:

"Is it possible that others will become angry at our boundaries and attack or withdraw from us? Absolutely. God never gave us the power or the right to control how others respond to our no. Some will welcome it; some will hate it."

Excerpt from Boundaries, p. 107

BUSTING OUT!

The picture above depicts how I am feeling! My inner child, the one that was hurt so very long ago, is raring to bust out of her adult body and be set free! The anxiousness and determination within me is so very strong I do not know how long I can contain it. Then at the same time, I am scared silly with the fear of “who will I Be?” Well, for one thing, if I can just get a grip, I will BE ME! What, how dare I Be Me! Do I even know how to Be Me? Will Being Me come naturally? Just think, if I Am Me, I do not have to care anymore what others think about Me. I would have clarity of mind when speaking. Not lose my train of thought, have fear set in, then stumble over words trying to pick myself up to make sense and not appear to be an idiot. I can just Be Me. Ahhhhhh........ to be Me.

Also as Me, I believe it will be much easier to then face my fears of past abuse, neglect, rejections, emeshing, etc. Not saying I am not dealing with them some what now, but it would be so much more freeing to be dealing with them as my “Busting Out Me .“

THROUGH THE PAIN

As you will see from the devotional below, recovery can be exhausting sometimes. I certainly have shared many times in my blog how exhausted I have become both mentally and physically. How utterly painful getting in touch with my feelings have been at times, and even more recently as I become more open to God performing the surgery that is needed to heal my pain. So, I know this statement holds true, and I am sure a lot of you can also relate.

At the same time, the devotional shares the promise of God being with us every step of the way through our painful recovery and transformation. This can be hard for some of us, since we did not ask to have this pain in the first place. We may Never understand God’s reasoning this side of heaven.

God knows and understands our pain, our tears, our anger, our frustrations, our hate, our rage, our seething, our loathing, our confusion, our temper, our questioning, our doubting, our resenting, our cursing, our blaming, our rebelling, our SI, our addictions, our mental illnesses, our quitting and through all of this He cares and loves us! I know this can be a BIG pill to swallow. For the most part, it is hard for me too. But some how, there has to be a place in our journey that we flat out have to give our pain and hurt to Him totally. Not just a little, but all. I am NOT saying this is easy, as it is not! I still have not!! But, each day I see myself trusting and giving more to Him when I am realizing that He desires to help me and longs for the closeness that was originally planned and my freedom!

Maybe all I am asking of you now as you read the devotional below is to say the prayer at the end daily for the next few weeks. I am not here to try and convert anyone! We are all in this together, and right now my emotions are raw and my heart is breaking not only for myself, but for some of you.

* * * *
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. Ephesians 3:16

Sometimes recovery is exhausting. Sometimes we feel like a raw nerve all the way down to the core of our being. You can't touch anything without causing pain. In times like this we see clearly that our healing must be from the inside out. Nothing superficial will be of any consequence. We need our 'inner being', our 'heart', to experience God's healing power.

It is clear from this text that God understands where our healing must take place. The Spirit seeks to strengthen us in our 'inner being'. Christ seeks to dwell in our 'hearts'. God is not interested in appearances. God is not interested in performances. It is not God's plan for us to 'look good'. God's work will be deeper and necessarily more painful than this. The transformation we need will take place at the core of our being. This may seem impossibly difficult to us. But it is not impossible for God. It is out of 'his glorious riches' that God can strengthen us. God is not helpless in the face of our brokenness. God is a resource-full God.

Prayer
I have worked hard to look good on the outside, Lord.
But, it has done no good.
It hasn't worked.
I am not what I appear to be.
I need to heal from the inside.
Only you can do that, Lord.
Come Holy Spirit, to my inner being.
Come Christ, dwell in my heart.
Heal and strengthen me in the depths of my person.
Out of your riches, strengthen me. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

FIND YOUR MESS, FIND YOUR MINISTRY

This was said to me recently, and poses to be true,

“Find Your Mess, Find Your Ministry.”

We all can share from the depths of our heart and pain to others who struggle as we do what we have/are going through and encouraging them along. A lot of what we are all basically doing on our blogs. I want to take this time to personally thank all of you for sharing your honesty and pain as you go or have gone through your own journey which has helped me.

CAN YOU COME OUT TO PLAY?

As usual woke up on another weekend dreading what will I do today with myself, except this time before dragging my tired body out of bed the first thing that popped in my mind was “Can You Come Out To Play?” I got in touch with part of my child this morning. I now recall how much I looked forward to the awesome fun on weekends as a kid (escaping the abuse and my fears) where I would play all day with the neighborhood children, which was then abruptly taken away from me through my parents divorce.

Upon this memory, I started crying this morning uncontrollably. But, then it did not take long until I switched over to anger, which is still with me as I type.

So, gonna have to work through this now.

RUNNING ON EMPTY

Even though I may not have a lot to say in this post, I probably do just by saying I do not.

I feel my emotions are running on empty.

DRAGGING DAY

Today was one of those exceptionally dragging zoned out days for me. I was just present in body not in mind. I could contribute it to that I continue to be exhausted emotionally with my journey, which is probably true. Had to push myself to participate, pay attention and be motivated at work. Still, I did notice a difference. I really did not feel guilty about how I was feeling or acting. Maybe that is an improvement? Normally I would feel guilty about the way I was feeling. Was I being snobish to people at work because I was quiet and reserved? That would always make me feel bad. I would never let myself have a bad day(s), even though I would have them, but guilt would accompany me. So, maybe not feeling guilty about this today was a plus??

I feel possibly my resistance to control has lost some punch. Will have to really wait this particular experience out and be open to the Holy Spirit to show me exactly what is going on internally at present. Not too sure at the moment.

Will be an early evening for me, as I am really drained and spent.

CHANGING WHAT "I" BELIEVE

My belief system needs to be changed to:

Believing that I can say what I feel. Believing that I am capable to love, be compassionate, be caring, have empathy, and the big one that I seem to be struggling with lately, is that I need to believe that I am part of the human race that I have purpose, I do exist for a reason and that "I just am!"

My journey of being able to get in touch with what I am feeling is easier said than done. I am a 'work in progress.' Many a time I find 'my' true emotions continue to be a tremendous struggle for me in accepting and expressing them. It is like I have a "safety" valve inside that just automatically shuts down as a precaution when things get too hot. Hot in the sense scary.....fearful......terrified....boo!

STEPPING OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!

I am comfortable with the way I have been......but at the same time I am not anymore! Was constantly sheltered. Was constantly having "fear" put in me by domineering parents who themselves were fearful to begin with. Was sexually violated as a child and not only lost the trust element but paralyzing fear over-powered me later on with trying to have relationships.

There is a world out there with responsibilities that I was never allowed to experience. Something that had been taken away from me as a child into adulthood which I succumbed to. After all if someone else did it for me, why not have the easy way out? At one point I just gave up and accepted the bondage. Established my many barriers and walls of protection. What was once "the real me" disappeared. Slowly but surely I am beginning to see what "the real me" was like and I want her back!!!

Now I find myself fighting for the very thing that I was happy to give up, my freedom!

THERE'S NO CRYING UNDERWATER

This past week has been a bit rough for me. Have not really elaborated in a post here about specifics, except my usual trying to establish my boundaries and the rage within. It just has been too mentally exhausting to go into detail, so I just let it alone with the posts I have shared.

In doing so, last week I had to find some diversion in my life, as I was not coping very well. So when I found the time I hit the pool. It was suggested that screaming underwater helps a bit. I would suggest NOT doing that while there are people in the pool. It ain’t as sound proof as you think. What stares I received when I surfaced. I went back down and just laughed. (you can laugh underwater) It was too funny. One of the rare funny highlights I enjoyed. Also, you cannot cry underwater. Not that this comes easy to me in the first place, but I was hurting so bad and I had one of my emotional painful waves come upon me while swimming, I had no choice. To my discovery, tears and chlorine water ain’t a good mix either.

ANGER HAS NO TIME TABLE

“However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger occurred two minutes ago-or twenty years ago! It has to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives inside the heart.

This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits. This is generally not “new anger”-it’s “old anger.” It’s often years of nos, that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.”
(Taken from the book Boundaries)

Ah – ha. The above puts the understanding of what I am going through more into perspective. “….individuals with injured boundaries often are shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting limits.”

So true.

I marvel at the amount of rage that comes out of me at the slightest inconvenience as I establish my boundaries and get in touch with my feelings of the past. The amount of rawness and violation that I feel when someone steps over my boundaries and the bubbling up of anger is unbelievable now. All this rage I have contained over the years has been festering inside. No wonder this kind of pain can hurt one’s physical body and cause so many diseases, even death. Ticks me off now to see that I was not allowed to express my anger growing up. It would only be natural for a child in their learning years not to understand “adult” things, to question, to become frustrated, to get angry…….but then to have it quashed with a parent saying …..”no we don’t do that.” And that is just what JBR did, “she did not do that, except stuff it.”

MORE I SEEK YOU

It is interesting in times when one’s body and mind are weak, as mine have been these past couple of days, (it is like I am just so tired of struggling anymore) are when despite my numerous outbursts of rage, that I can become calm and relaxed although however brief.

These past two days I have not only continued meditating on the Word, but this particular song/video (below), which I was introduced to by a fellow-blogger a few weeks back. The words mean a whole lot to me now, then when I first heard the song. Ironically, how everything just falls into place just at the right time, huh? God just knows how much one can handle and knows just when to place certain “wake-up calls” in our paths to draw us ever so near. There are lines in the song that really “take me back” every time I hear them (highlighted in red):

The More I seek You
The More I find you
the more I find you
The more I love you

I want to sit at you feet
drink from the cup in your hands
lay back against you and breath
feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
it's overwhelming

When I especially hear those words in red, it is like I am right there with my Lord just relaxing in his embrace…… even falling into a peaceful sleep. Something I have not had in quite a long time.

As comforting as the song and words are to my ears, it remains hard for me to feel how much my Lord does love me. Being violated in my childhood puts a damper in this area. But hearing the constant reminder that He does, will help me to release more of the 'real me' to Him each time I surrender a part of my pain.

BATTLING

Been on edge most of the day. More than normal, I suppose. I can usually contribute it to having to go to group. Many a time I fight with myself in getting myself there now. I know the majority of the battle is the enemy. (My Bible gets a lot a use on Thursdays in anticipation of the spiritual warfare!) The devil knows I am making progress so he throws all these obstacles of ‘negative thoughts’ into my head as to why I should not go and what can I possibly benefit from going and I should not open up anymore, yada yada. Recently afterwards I feel very low in spirit. Depressed more than normal. Almost complacent.

Is this normal to feel this way?

Could it be somehow I am connecting with things I am hearing or learning, even though sometimes it is really difficult for me to keep focus in group?

We remain on the topic of anger in group.

I still have major issues with anger, and this week has not been any different with me going berserk at the slightest thing that could set me off. Right now I am creating a very nice pattern on one of my walls with scuff and dent marks by throwing objects during my outbursts. I guess I can be proud and say that I have made some progress. I have caught myself a few times this week being able to difuse some of the anger before I totally lost it. It ain't easy!!!! I can feel myself ready to explode and to try and difuse that is all totally new to me. I run to my what I call now, "My Screaming Pillow."

I think I am just worn out.....

TRAUMA and SHAME

* * * MAY TRIGGER * * *

Below is an excerpt from the book Shame to Peace by Teo van der Weele, MD. In this one particular section it deals with the survivor of sexual abuse and how often has to hide in shame. In particular incest survivors and how many a time in both secular and non-secular mental health fields counselors have often missed the signs of sexual abuse either out of not knowing how to approach the situation or out of plain ignorance. It is interesting how the author uses the phrase “roof-tile construction” when referring to one trauma covering others. I guess it is like a domino effect?

The third paragraph from the excerpt also intrigued me. Interesting how us survivors developed coping strategies in order to carry-on. So much we have incorporated them into our lives today, which have become us! Besides my avoidance of the truth that I had a problem stemming from incest and growing up in a dysfunctional family, I coped with my trauma by entering what I have been referring to as my “la-la land.” A safe make-believe world of distraction. When I was in full denial I was a constant “cut-up.” I appeared to be in control and had it all together. Once I accepted I did have a problem and began to seek some good Godly counseling, is when I ‘truly’ realized the pain that I have stuffed so many years from my childhood was real and that I needed to be real in facing the trauma:

A person who suffered in a concentration camp or – more common today – has been the victim of a series of robberies, or a rape, can still expect some sympathy. But a survivor of sexual abuse often has to hide in shame, unable to talk. Some of them even decide to take their secret along with them in a premature death. Incest survivors face not only the burden of one major trauma, but they also carry the effects of living in an environment which has caused them many other kinds of traumas.

People usually don’t suffer only one trauma. There tends to be a kind of ‘roof-tile construction’, where one trauma covers the others. This tile construction of traumas is one reason why the most deeply-felt trauma of all–incest–often remains hidden from those trying to help. Both secular mental health workers and church workers have often missed the signals of sexual abuse, as we either didn’t know about it, or we didn’t know how to ask the right questions. Often we were not ready to hear what was being said and switched topics to other traumas which we could handle better.

Without the help they need, victims find their own ways to survive. I never cease to marvel at the insight and creativity which has gone into some of their escape mechanisms and survival strategies, as they learn to deal with these flash-backs in a variety of ways. Some slip into a fantasy trip, others into prayer and many just slip into a dark, moody silence. A constant alertness to avoid any memories of the past is another survival skill. This steely thought-control also influences the way they respond to other things. This can range from rigid personal habits to clowning around, just as long as they are in control of what happens, wherever they are. For all of them, one thing is sure: whatever happened then still actively influences behavior today.

HEALING FROM ABUSE

I was going to post something similar about the above with regard to healing from abuse, but felt led instead to share from the blog, Finally Free who’s explanation hits the mark.

Check out the video that accompanies the post as that really hit home with yours truly.

Please click HERE

PEOPLE PLEASING

For some reason I feel the need to revisit this topic once again. Maybe for my benefit or someone else’s. Only God knows why I need to bring the following up:

Performance base pleasing has been one of my major “dysfunctions. As long as I could please “whomever,” I was happy. Killing myself in the process in attempting to do everything right…… but “hey I was happy!” Or was I? It is a lot of work trying to please someone(s), making sure everything is in order, watching their demeanor in order to gauge “how I was doing,” and be able to change in a second to what “I” thought was appropriate to then get a positive response. Yes, a lot of exhausting mental work. And if I felt I did not please the other person(s), then in my minds-eye I failed. I am not worthy. Oh poor pitiful me. Blah blah blah. Many times I would even get sick of myself in the never ending ‘pleasing cycle.’ Becoming angry and frustrated when my efforts would fall by the wayside if not successful. It was never a win-win situation. For some of us who came from families where we were paid little attention to or none at all, found means of survival in the ‘pleasing factor’ syndrome.

Although struggling not to please is a daily challenge, I have seen some major improvements. One being to question my motives beforehand. Who am I doing this for? Am I doing ‘this’ to get praise? Am I doing ‘this’ for them to like me? In due time I hope to be able to be the “real me” among others with no strings attached and to keep the good quality of discipline in completing and planning tasks, but minus the “pleasing factor” to feel self worth.

AUTHORITY FIGURE

From time to time I am going to expound here on some things I have read in the book, Boundaries. May be just a sentence or a paragraph from the book that I will share about:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Knowing that I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. If I know where my yard begins and ends, I am free to do with it what I like. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. However, if I do not “own” my life, my choices and options become very limited.

Chapter 2, pg. 29

Figured I would start with what the book defines what a boundary is. What freedom lies ahead when we can establish boundaries and lay the ground rules without guilt or shame, and know that we are entitled to our boundaries!!!

This book has brought out something I have not thought about in awhile.

I have always had a problem with authority figures, especially men. Tremendous fear would come over me many a time when I would be in their presence. I would feel so small. I have always felt that, they, being either my boss, a cop, or even a date, were entitled to an answer to why I was doing/acting/responding to something a certain way. Also, a paralyzing fear of intimacy would envelope me when things got too heated on dates. The latter I understand better from being sexually abused as a child. The other from my father, which in bits a pieces I am remembering a bit more how stern and unhappy he could be with me if I was not living up to his expectations.

BOUNDARIES

These past few days have been really rough for me. But, thank God for His written Word. Although at times it has been very difficult for me to even open the Bible to regain some strength from reading His promises.

I borrowed the book, “Boundaries” by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend from a friend and have been reading a bit from it over the weekend also. The book has been highly recommended.

(from the inside cover of the book)

“Is your life out of control?
Do people take advantage of you?
Do you have trouble saying no?
Are you disappointed with God
because of unanswered prayers?”

Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.

Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.

Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.

Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God’s will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator.

I certainly am in the process of setting boundaries. At the same time I see how my boundaries have been crossed over, especially as a child. Unfortunately, a lot of us have experienced this. Terrible that at such a tender age we were abused and the ever-lasting effects of our 'particular' abuse carried over into adulthood, and screwed many of us up!!!

But, thank the good Lord, as terrible as our pasts were, there is always hope! Even if we do not understand why our abuse happened and we are ticked beyond belief!! I do know it is hard for many of us to comprehend the trauma, as I at times, but I am glad through the Grace of God and the leading of the Holy Spirit through counselling that I continue on my way to freedom!

NOT TRACKING

These past couple of days I feel I have gone’ two steps forward three steps back.’ Have been having unsettling dreams. I feel more depressed than normal, angry, exhausted and at times zoned out.

Group was a disaster for me tonight. I felt I was just there in body.

I have come to the conclusion, that I do not do well in a learning setting. I was this way in school. My attention span is very limited, unless something really really peeks my interest. Otherwise I check out, become bored and fidgity. Not saying that group is boring, but it is a learning environment. Also trying to be alert for 3 hours after putting in a long day at work then sitting and trying to take in information and process and the late night, and then having to tackle the drive back home all crumpled together does not make JBR real happy now.

MYSELF

I cannot wait for the day when I will feel so very comfortable in my own skin in social settings.

So comfortable, that I can enjoy interaction and not worry about how I am coming over to the other person.

So comfortable I can voice my own opinion and not be judged.

So comfortable that I can honestly believe that I am of self worth and that I am my “own individual.”

So comfortable that I can just be me and not have a plan on how I will behave.

So comfortable that fear will not be present when I am trying to be “me.”

So comfortable when I leave a social setting, I can feel good about myself that in fact.....

“I was myself.”