THROUGH THE PAIN

First off, my thanks go out to God! Through my tears, cursing, praising, etc., He has not let me down. To my faithful blogger friends, a big thank you for your support and encouragement.

These past few days have been pretty rough for me. I really cannot express in words what I have been going through. I am just living the emotional pain, the rage (I have finally understood the term “blind rage,” it is just that, if you have never experienced it before, it affects you senses where in my case it can throw off your vision, breathing, my whole nervous system and judgement....very scary and nothing I wish upon anyone!!!!), the doubting questions, the fatigue, etc. I have been experiencing things new unfolding and watching them happen before me.

Do I want the pain to stop? Of course!! Do I want the rage to go? Of course!!! Do I want the tantrums to cease? Of course! Do I want to feel normal? Of course? Do I want to complete my journey? Of course! Do I ask God to fill me with His love? Of course! Do I ask God to calm my rage inside? Of course! Do I ask God to show me things I need to see? Of course, and He DOES!!

And with all that said, these past few days I have still been nurtured by God, if you can believe that! His Grace is unbelievable! He is faithful regardless how I feel towards Him or my circumstances. He always lives up to His end of the bargain.

Hope this made sense, as I was just coming down from a bit of a 'rage' attack while typing the post. Tell you one thing, I did not know I had this much anger in me. Never ceases to amaze me what can set me off. Trying to get a better handle on this as I know it is deterimental to my health. I would like to complete my journey before I give myself a stroke!

STRUGGLING

Sorry I have not been blogging lately. Been struggling with where I am presently at on my journey.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surge.
Selah
--Psalm 46 (NIV)

STOP! SMELL THE ROSES!

How many of us have heard the familiar phrase, "Stop and Smell the Roses?" The short devotional below just does that. Shares how much we can miss some of the beauty in life that is offered through our messes, if we would just take the time once in a while and appreciate our surroundings.

I have always been sensative to my surroundings, and have always taken in God's nature no matter how depressed, angry, irrational and especially feeling hopeless I may be. It is instilled in my soul, and for that I am very thankful for to be able to even notice creation through my pain even if it is just for a moment.

So, when I read this, I wanted to share a little of the peace we could experience daily, how ever brief:

Stop! Smell the Roses!

Ecclesiastes 11:8: “How many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all.”

“I’m going now,” said my secretary. “Thank you for everything.”

“All the best to you in your new career,” I said. As she walked out the door, she handed me an envelope. Once back in my office, I opened it. Inside was a bon voyage card with the following hand-written message: “Joan, I hope someday you can stop and smell the roses.”

Today as I work in my home office a lovely lily plant sits on my desk. The fragrance fills the room. And I am enjoying it as I write. Back then I was so busy, so rushed, so preoccupied, so driven. Now, I am less obsessed. I did stop to smell the flowers. And I’m grateful.

The wisest man in the world once said, “Enjoy every day of your life.” We can learn to stop racing through our tomorrows and start relishing our todays.

Lord, I don’t know how long I will live.
May I enjoy each day that is mine — now.

Copyright 2009 Joan C. Webb

YOUR STORY

"Each one of us has a valuable story to tell. We may be shy and feel awkward about speaking. We may think that what we have to share is too trivial. Is it actually going to help anyone else? We may struggle to get beyond the shame of our past experiences. But our recovery story can help others who are trapped back where we were. Are we willing to allow God to use us to help free others?

Within each personal journey from bondage to freedom is a microcosm of the gospel. When people hear our story, even if it seems trivial, we are offering them the chance to loosen their chains and begin their own recovery.”
(The Life Recovery Bible)

We all have a story a testimony to tell. Your story your testimony is so very special, because it is yours and noone else!

I am certainly NOT the greatest communicator. I hate speaking in public. Dislike immensely speaking about myself. With that being said, I am now going to contradict myself and say since I have started my journey I have become more brave in speaking up, giving my opinion even though still, I continue to fear the possible consequence of someone not liking or rejecting me.

I do have a story to tell and if in anyway someone can benefit from what I have to share I will share it, fearful or not.

I want the pain of shame and lack of self-worth annihilated from my being totally one day where I can be free and just be FREE TO BE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

EX-ROOMMATE

I was really debating if I should write about this or not. But, the Holy Sprit impressed it on my heart through out the day to do so and I kept saying, “nah.” But, I guess I will now, as He will not leave me alone!

I have no clue who this will benefit. Maybe just me. Maybe I just need to see it in writing along to actually experiencing the interaction today.

Anyway, to the topic. Ex-roommate. Yes, I have had many. One being really horrid and mind controlling (another day for that story). This is not the one though.

The particular ex-roommate I am talking about is about two years younger than I. We did many things together, had the same friends etc. I was even a bridesmaid in her wedding at the church I attend. A lot of history. What I thought was a friendship then was nothing but a major co-dependency struggle for me. I could not in my own sickness of severe co-dependency and insecurity have a meaningful conversation, let alone a meaningful friendship. I destroyed the friendship. I could not be a friend. I was scared to be a friend. Even though I tried to suck the life out of her for my own needs to feel secure, she is strong in character and did the one thing that cuts me to the core, “ignored me.” Did not talk to me for weeks. Here we were living under the same roof, would pass each other in the hall and she would not look at me. I could not eat, could not function at work, was constantly ill to my stomach. I could not understand for the life of me, ‘what did I do wrong??” And at the same time I WAS SCARED TO DEATH TO ASK HER WHAT WAS WRONG, for fear she would tell me. She was one that also had trouble expressing herself and would show her displeasure by giving me the silent treatment. So many irrational things went through my mind, even killing myself. Extreme, but true. It got so bad one day, I was ready to move out. Funny thing was, it was my house that I was planning on moving out of as I could not take the rejection. Finally it got so bad, that I just broke down one morning and approached her and said what is wrong? She finally told me and we resolved “that” issue and being the sick co-dependent person, I adjusted my co-dependency skills not to repeat that episode ever again. Although, there were plenty other ones down the line waiting once again. I was very hard to live with and deal with.

Okay......I set the stage for today.....

I knew well in advance she would be in town and that I would be seeing her today at church, which I did with her children. It is amazing how you have not seen someone close to ten years and you can pick up right where you left off, surface babble and all. But, hey that is what she chooses, so I respect that. So, I guess the whole point of this post is to bring to light that I did not worry about seeing her (was in prayer for the past couple of weeks) and what she would think of me. At this point, so much time had passed I really did not care. While talking surface babble with her today, I felt pretty confident in who I was, where normally, when someone knows me or remembers me how I used to be, that would make me very uncomfortable. It did not. I probably would have floored her if we had more time to chat with the “realness” of me now.

So, in conclusion, I know I have improved and matured. I have a better grip on respecting and being sensitive to other people’s needs. I am presently on a steady, somewhat turbulent and painful path which will eventually lead me to my ultimate goal to freedom! And I am getting used to being the “real” me.

WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Many times through out my day I have to continually remind myself that, “I Am Not Alone.” When the waves of emotional pain roll in, I have to remember there is the Greater One who stands along side of me. Some waves take a little longer to subside than others, but they do recede.

“Loneliness and isolation go along with the guilt and shame we feel about who we are or what we have done. We may feel so cut off from others that we feel lonely even when we are around other people. Guilt, fear of being hurt, and self-hatred can make us unable to believe in the love others have for us. We can feel all alone in the struggle even when there are people beside us who want to help. Being willing to accept their love is part of the preparation for making amends.” (The Life Recovery Bible)

I know the above can be hard for many to accept. Trust is certainly not easy for any of us who have been hurt. But, I can say in my experience since going on my journey to freedom, there are some really caring people out there that only have good intentions for me to become well. I pray this for you!

SELF ESTEEM

I can remember at times my father stating that ‘children should be seen and not heard.’ At the time I was too young to understand those cutting words. I was more than likely hurting or wanting to share something at the moment that those words came from his lips. As a child all I could do was fear the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes to get me to shut down.

I do not have many recollections of my father and I spending time together. He was lost in his own world of alcoholism, porn and busyness. It seemed that it was always an effort for him to be comfortable with me, which in turn made me feel uncomfortable and withdrawn.

“Many of our problems are rooted in our low self-esteem. Perhaps we were never listened to as children. Or maybe we were abused by people who had authority over us. Whatever the roots of our problems, we are now probably overly sensitive to the attacks of others. We see here (Psalm 8:3-9) that God has made us to be fantastic beings with great honor and authority. We should never sell ourselves short. Self-esteem should be based on what God thinks of us-not what others say about us." (The Life Recovery Bible)

What has been a life-time of depending on what others think of me to feel accepted in this world, should in reality be all what God thinks of me! My strength and self-worth come from Him. I know it will take time to re-adjust my thinking process and my belief pattern that my Heavenly Father is in no way like my earthly father. Even though I cannot really grasp now what love or even what God’s unconditional love is, I go on faith that He does give it, not only to me, but to every one.

RELYING ON HOPE

I have been seeing a lot lately on the topic of “hope.”

I know hope for a lot of us is hard to digest. There is no denying that! But, hope is needed to face some of our painful trials. Again, there is no denying that!

Hope for me, even though at times is hard, helps me to face my past trauma’s as the reward is so much greater than the pain (and I am willing to go through the pain). Hope for me helps in my low times of loneliness and despair. Hope for me is knowing while I am beating my fists against the door because I feel rejected or abandoned, helps me to carry on to my goal.

The devotional below shares how hope gives us strength to face our anguish of our past and the ability to sustain us as we go through our journey. Hope will always be there waiting in the wings to help pick us up when we feel we cannot continue. When we feel we cannot take another breath, or another step.

Hope to me is a powerful word that I am getting used to now and desire to incorporate into my vocabulary as well as into my heart!!!

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Hope gives us strength. We need strength for the journey of recovery. We need strength to make the changes that need to be made -- and strength to grieve the losses which come with change. We need strength to keep on keeping on. Recovery requires a great deal of physical, emotional and spiritual strength. We draw that strength day-to-day from hope.

There are times when hope will allow us to soar. We will feel the exhilaration of change and new freedom. We will think about the future and imagine good things. We will soar with gratitude and joy because of hope.

There are other times when hope will allow us to run and not grow weary. We will keep going. Keep changing. Keep working. Keep feeling. We may get tired but hope will keep us from getting weary and wanting to give up. Hope helps us to keep running.

There are other times when hope will allow us to walk without fainting. Some days, in our recovery journey, continuing the journey at all is very difficult. The struggle we face may be so intense that we would faint if it were not for hope. But hope helps us to take the next step. One slow step at a time. Step by step, without fainting.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of hope.
Thank you for the days when hope allows me to soar.
And for the days when it allows me to keep running.
And thank you for the days when hope gives me the courage to walk without fainting.
Thank you for hope. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

PURSUIT OF DISCOVERY

These past few days while I have been off, I found more time to spend on the computer ‘blog hopping,’ discovering new blogs as well as revisiting old ones. There is a lot of pain out there in the blogasphere! Then at the same time there is a lot of healing. I have been emotionally touched by what I have read of the triumphs and the agonies. Shed tears as I could relate and connect deeply to some of the pain!

Now, I kind of understand a bit of my purpose to this extended “time off,” as I questioned what would I do with these three extra days? I had nothing planned. Was really not even thinking about taking a road trip or doing such and such. I just did not feel at peace about any of that. What I did know was I did need to recuperate and feed my spirit and be alone with my God, which continues to happen.

The leading of reading and spending time on blogs was not my first priority. But, it was something that the Holy Spirit had planned in finding a purpose for me to visit particular blogs to gain more insight to my own pain in order for healing to take place in time.

I do pace myself, as some of my discoveries are very painful for me.

ANOTHER INDEPENDENCE DAY

Another independent move was made by me today (like my cell phone a few weeks ago).

Got myself a debit card! Yep, in my name, my number, my account and MY responsibility!

HITTING MY KNEES

The first part of this morning after waking up and doing my regular routine of praying and confessing to giving this day to the Lord, I was feeling pretty good. Then after a while, I started noticing the aggitation and the rawness of my mood start to build up in me. I cannot pin-point anything that set me off. It is just a plain evil attack from the enemy. I have no "responsibility" to worry about these next few days since I am off, so there is no pressure coming from that end.

So, in times like these, I hit my knees before my God, once again begging for Him to take away the oppression that is so evident and to fill me with His peace and the love that He does so offer and that I long for.

FAKEYNESS

I am taking the next three days off from work, starting today. I planned taking these three days off three weeks ago, having no plans whatsoever, just knowing when the time came around I would welcome the days off. Sure enough that is the case. My body and mind are tired, and need replenishing.

Although I did have t. today, which I chose to as it is always beneficial for me regardless of the outcome. The getting intouch with the stuffed teddy bear and now bunnies will be a process down the line in order to connect with my heart. I feel so very disconnected in this area, I cannot begin to tell you and it hurts that I missed out so much that I cannot even relate to precious comforting animals. I know it will take time.

Still, there are glimmers of the ‘real me’ emerging, especially when it comes to humor and finding realness in ‘real people.’ The other side of the coin is the fake people continue to turn me off. Hopefully, down the line I will have more compassion for people like that, as I was once them.

You know since becoming more real these days, I sometimes can be a little too honest with judging people. Just need to be careful and have a sensitive spirit with voicing some of the things in order not to offend or puff myself up.

FOR THE BIRDS

This is so funny!

I saw this the other day at work, and was told you could not find it on YouTube!

NOT!

This is what life would be for birds if they worried.

HOPE IS NEEDED

Hope can be hard for us who have been abused!
I know I struggle with hope BIG TIME!!

The devotional shares how sometimes hope in fact fails us due to the pain of our present circumstances. We do need hope to continue on our journey.

Hope may help if we remember how far we have come in our journey and not look to how much more we have to go. Any time we are “going through” our stuff, we are “going to come through” to the other side. The other side is freedom! That is something hopeful to hang on to!! I know it is for me!

I do “hope” you are touched, even a little bit by this promise:

I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Psalm 77:11-12

Sometimes hope fails us because of the pain of present circumstances. The intensity of the daily struggle can overwhelm us and crowd out hope for the future. We find ourselves unable to focus on a hope-full future because we cannot see beyond the burdens of the present. But we need hope in order to continue the journey. Without it we cannot go on. Without hope there is only the despair that comes when we think nothing will ever change.

Reviewing our experiences of God's help in the past is one way of nurturing hope. When present events crowd out hope, leaving despair and fear, we can turn to the disciplines of remembering. It can sustain our faith and renew our determination to continue the journey.

Remembering is not an easy discipline for us. Our memory is not good. Even miracles seem to age quickly - they become 'miracles of long ago'. Things that seemed unimaginably wonderful at the time can quickly fade in our memory as present concerns demand our attention. Dramatic breakthroughs in recovery that seemed to be powerful signs of God's grace and presence may seem painfully ordinary after a few months. For this reason it may be necessary to find someone to help us with the discipline of remembering. Hope can often be renewed by asking a trusted friend to remind us where we have been. An objective review of the journey to this point helps us see God's sustaining grace in our lives. And that gives us the hope to go on.

Lord, help me to remember the specific ways you have sustained me in the past.
Help me to remember how I have changed.
Help me to remember your love and grace so that I can grow in my capacity for hope today.

Amen. Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

TEDDY

UPDATE: I come into work this morning, and there are two more stuffed animals waiting from me.  A pair of bunny rabbits.  A blue and and brown one.  Bigger ones!  Again from my boss!  These I have to take home, as they are a little tooooooo big.

Had an unexpected blessing this morning when I arrived at work.  On my computer sat a stuffed Teddy Bear.  My boss, whom I have shared a lot of my journey with, bought me T.B.  She and I talked last week about how things were going and I briefly shared about never remembering growing up with a Teddy Bear.  This was very sweet of her.  Right now I have him on my computer.  Really do not know what to do with him, but hopefully in time I will. 

SELFISH IMPATIENCE

Don’t we wish our painful circumstances would change instantly?
I know I do.

Unfortunately most of the time, it does not happen that way. Change is gradual. Obviously there is a reason change does not happen quickly. Oh goodie!

I struggle, and I know a lot of you do also with lack of patience. I call it, “Selfish Impatience.” As I want it done right now, and right now for me! Hey I do not want to wait. I do not want to be inconvenienced. I want, I want and I want it now! Me, me, me!

Although, I am trying very hard, with the Lord’s help, to wait more gracefully and not go berserk when I do not get my way quickly, even for the simplest small things, it still remains hard.

Obviously a lot has to do with not wanting to go through the pain of my journey. Oh well JBR in order to gain your freedom, there will be pain involved however long it takes! (**Self talk for myself**)

The devotional below shares three reasons why change happens little by little and is not a race. How trust plays such an important part in change and does not happen over night, along with the ability to give and receive love. It is so important for us to encourage one another (which I am truly grateful to “you” my blogger friends) and held accountable.

I hope you will be blessed by this understanding as much as I am trying to also:

We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. Therefore, among God's churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring. 2 Thessalonians 1:4

There is no magical formula for change. But there are some helpful principles.

First of all, change happens little by little. As this text puts it, our capacity for trust 'grows more and more' and our ability to love and to receive love 'increases'. These changes, like all of the most important changes in life, do not happen as a one-time event. An important change may require us to make a decision at a certain moment, it also requires a process that takes place over months and years.

Second, change is not a race. The change process can not be rushed. We often want to 'hurry it up', but we can't. Change that is real and long-lasting, requires patience and perseverance. When we have been practicing our dysfunctions for decades, we can expect that unlearning them will also take time.

Third, change requires that we practice the disciplines of honesty and fellowship. There is no recovery unless we find ways to move out of denial and isolation. What a wonderful gift it is to be able to share our struggles and victories with people who will 'always thank God for us' and who will encourage us, affirm us and hold us accountable.

Lord, I want my faith to grow.
I want my capacity for love to increase.
Little by little. One day at a time.
That's what I need.
Help me to move out of denial,
And out of isolation.
Help me to do my part to make
change possible in my life. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

**Explanation of the picture. I am probably delirious, but I thought when I saw the picture, it best represented patience. Even if it is a wild animal. Come on, if the bear can demonstrate patience (like waiting for its next meal, hopefully not human), then so can we.**

FUNKY DAY

For the most part today I was in some kind of funk.

Did not even attend church. Did not want to. There is some uneasiness stirring in my spirit. Not necessarily dealing with my journey, but with human nature and bickering. Hey, I would be the first to admit I hate any confrontation. In fact I do a bee-line if I even smell an argument stirring. Maybe I am just worn down and extra sensitive these days.

Also, I try and make an effort to at least venture outside. Did not do that either. Spent most of the day doing ‘reply blogging.’ Something I normally do not spend a whole lot of time at.

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING

I want to thank you all for your uplifting words to me. I really hate to sound like a broken record, but I sincerely appreciate everyone of you. Honestly speaking, I just do not have the strength or brain power to respond to each one of you personally at this time.

I discovered a song today (which plays when you come to my blog) by Sanctus Real. The lyrics are powerful and best describes what I am going through presently. This song hit me between the eyes when I heard it.

I felt led to go to someone’s blog that I have not been to in a long while today. Then out of a list of over 30 songs on their Playlist, I chose this one to listen to and it was “Whatever You’re Doing.” I mean the title could mean anything. There were other songs with ‘catchy’ titles that could normally catch my eye, but for some reason I was drawn to this song. Never ever heard of Sanctus Real before in my life until today. I obviously needed to find this song, and I did.

We are all at different parts in our journey and I believe that we can relate to this song no matter what.

You will find yourself within the words below. I have. And I want to try and share as best I can what each stanza means to me:

Whatever You’re Doing

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Pretty much we all can relate to the first stanza with our difficulties and struggles in life and how much we have been broken in spirit, mind and body. Hopefully, we are all on our quest to freedom and healing and to make right what was wrong. The line with the ‘wave crashing over me and all I can do is surrender. . . .’ for me personally means giving up my struggles and letting God have me fully to work inside and clear out all the pain.

I am slowly getting there.....but not yet......

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Turmoil, turmoil, pain and more emotional pain. I can say I have glimmers of peace once I come down from a crying spell. All the while I have been saying, “take it Lord.” You must realize I am not saying, “take it away from me Lord.” I believe I must learn and go through the pain in order to gain. Gain my freedom. What I am saying is that I am asking the Lord to take the moment that I am releasing to Him.

“It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see.” That line holds such truth. Still, to the best I am able I believe the outcome of my breakthrough will certainly be something heavenly!!

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Okay, when I think of a milestone, I am thinking of a “reference point” along a road, or in my case along my journey. ‘To re-evaluate who I really am?’ All I can say is that I am in the process of just finding out who I am. I cannot honestly know at this time if I am doing everything in following God’s will. I remain scared to surrender fully. Do not want to give up complete control.

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

I think I am beyond the “facing up” part as I have admitted I am broken. I am in the process of cleaning this old house from negative tapes, stinking thinking and beginning to deal with painful memories that have been buried so deeply inside of me all these years which is bringing on the tears!

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

God’s mighty hands are performing surgery within me constantly. Unfortunately a lot of the time without anesthesia. At this point, as I have shared in past posts, I have no clue what is going on, but something is definitely up.

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

Definitely something bigger than me!

PURPOSE!!!!!

I know it is not being revealed "clearly" to me yet!!!!!!!!

Maybe because I am smack dab in the middle of the crap now and just don't see it, or I am not ready to see it!!!!!!!!

But, there has got to be a purpose to all of this pain!!!!!!!!!!

INNER CHILD

You know these past few days have been the weirdest across the board for me. Even effecting my blog and how I write and form thoughts. Maybe I am being re-wired in my thought process, and trying to establish a deeper connection with my inner child?

I know it must be hard for some of us to get in touch with our inner child. I know the trauma that I experienced as a child set me apart and I was not allowed to express my feelings, so I buried them deep within.

I certainly understand that it is the inner child who feels the anger or in my case the rage, the grief, the hopelessness the shame and not my adult self.

I do realize this process will not get done in one sitting.

I guess the hardest thing for me to understand or do is to “soothe” my inner child during the pain. I gather, just by listening or feeling what I am experiencing at the moment and saying "I am proud of you" (don’t know about the “I love you” part yet) or "you are doing ok" is part of the process. Then again, not necessarily having words to go along with any particular moment either and 'just be' either with floods of tears, or screams of rage. I am sure validation has a lot to do with the connecting.

I am really not into stuffed animals (never owned a teddy bear to my knowledge), coloring books, hand games, always hated rocking, until recently I do find myself doing that now.

I think I need to ask myself “how old am I now” when I feel threaten by a particular trigger at a particular moment and see if I can pin-point a time why I was feeling this way.

I continue to get not only the waves of tears, but the waves of deep anguish and all I can do at those moments as it is so painful is just cry out to God to "take it."

TAKING ITS TOLL

All day yesterday and even today I feel physically and emotionally exhausted. I think it is from the processing of Tuesday night’s t. session. Even though it was a good session with positive results, I think it took its toll on me.

At the moment, I am finding it difficult to even post something of interest to you all.

I am truly blessed by each one of you and the support we give one another. Thank you.

SIX YEAR OLD LIVING IN AN ADULT

Had a wonderful breakthrough today in t. Despite feeling exhausted from the intensity of the session, a light finally clicked on to why I become so very frustrated with myself to the point I have been crying out in desperation “I Hate This!” when I am trying to explain something and feel I am not conveying what I am saying intelligently. I am sure it was brought to my attention many times in t. but today, my heart finally heard it. A connection was made. A few wires re-attached.

As simple as this may sound, I am “this six year old” living in an "adult" body, trying to form adult words to what I am feeling, but having still the mentality of a six year old. And I will go just a step further. After leaving t. tonight, I can recall also this “six year old” living in an “adult" body actually feeling inside and relating to my peers feeling as a six year old, but trying to respond as an adult from a six year old's perspective.

Whew...... okay.

Now did that make sense?

Scary enough, it does now to me, and quite a burden lifted off of me, as I do now understand why I have been so very frustrated in my journey and why I behave the way I do, along with throwing my temper tantrums. Although this frustration has been with me all my life, I am just now recognizing, feeling and understanding it.

So now I can give myself a “Freaking” break! Not to be sooo hard on myself!!!!!

This is extremely scary for me to know I need to console and hang on to my inner child and let "her just be" for now in order to move on to the next step.

HEY, PAY ATTENTION !!

Does it irk you, as it does me, when you are talking to someone and you know you do not have their full attention?

You are trying to share something whether personal or work related and they are doing three things at once and not even giving you eye contact. Then you get the famous “uh-huhs” chimed back at you all along knowing they never heard you. Or the best one yet, that they talk over you, and not let you finish a sentence in order that they are heard and the focus is put back on them?

Listening is a gift.

I used to struggle big time with listening. Only because I was very insecure with my opinions and answers and I was thinking of a response that would come over correct and perfect so I would be appreciated. Meanwhile, missing entirely what the other person was saying.

I have improved immensely over the years my listening skills and am still a work in progress with acknowledging that I do have an opinion that is worth hearing. But, on occasion , I will catch myself not paying attention and paying more attention to how I will respond.

The devotional below shares how the few individuals in our lives that do listen to us we can appreciate and benefit from greatly.


Listen carefully to my words, let this be the consolation you give me. Job 21:1

Listening should be easy. But it is not. At a minimum, listening means that we have to be quiet. We cannot listen when we are talking. Not talking is the hard part. There are many reasons for this. We prefer talking over listening because it gives us a sense of control. We can control the silences between words by choosing when to talk. Since silences of even a few seconds can cause our anxiety to increase, we fill the silence with words even when we really have nothing to say.

It is a remarkable experience to have someone really listen -- to have someone's undivided attention and interest. When someone listens, they communicate to us on a very deep level that we are valuable. Their listening breaks our isolation and aloneness. And it decreases the fears which come when our thoughts and feelings are confused. Talking out loud in the presence of a person who listens carefully allows us to gain clarity and perspective. Gradually, being listened to can begin to convince us that we are worth someone's attention and worth being loved.

When someone listens with respect and acceptance we are comforted and consoled. Our pain is soothed. Our burden is lightened.

Thank you, Lord, for those who listen to me.
And thank you for the people who trust me enough to allow me to listen to them.
Give me the courage to talk honestly.
Give me the grace to listen well. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

Battling of a morning.

Those of you who understand the "spiritual warfare" that rages beyond our grasp, that is what I am feeling full force today the oppression in my spirit. Started before going to work, and then at work when everything negative could go against me, has. Even Blogspot is not cooperating and I have lost posts. Cannot blame it on being a Monday, huh?

Heading into the afternoon now, with a replishment of my full armour of God to protect me as I finish out this day!

MY OWN IDENTITY!

Proud to declare another step toward my “independence.”

Some may see little significance in what I am talking about, but to me it is a big step.

Yesterday, I went out and got my own cell phone, in my own name, in my own color of choice and the plan that I wanted with my own money. You probably figure, “big deal.” Well it is. Because, I already have a cell phone, under another plan which was not of my doing. That plan is controlled by my mother who 'always' chooses to put me on the “family plan” to get a better deal, where I have no control (key word “control”) of what type of phone I want, over paying the phone bills, seeing the phone bills, her having access to seeing whom I called/received a call from, etc. Unbeknownst to her (eventually I will get the nerve up to confess), she has no clue I have my own cell phone now.

Since I am fighting for my freedom and connecting more to me as “me,” I just got plain sick and tired of not having a say in “a matter” that I declared....

“I wanted my own identity.”

May be a small step for now, but it sure feels good to have done this!

RECLAIM YOUR LOST CHILDHOOD

When I came across this photo above on the internet just recently, it set off a reaction inside for me emotionally. Set me back as a care-free child playing among friends in sprinklers.

A very good feeling.

A very happy feeling.

A very longing feeling to return.

The devotional below shares such a time of innocence. Through the pain and hurts we all may have suffered through abuse and neglect, there is still hope.

I do know a lot of you will find it very difficult to relate, especially to God. Rest assured, this is okay. Do not worry or feel condemned about not being able to. I certainly do understand, and He certainly does too.

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:2-4

Children are naturally curious about life. They look at everything, hear everything, want to know about everything. They are ready for growth and responsive to life. But, childhood dies for many people because of neglect, abuse and losses experienced during early vulnerable years. The eagerness and engagement are poisoned. The responsiveness to life yields to fear and shame.

It is possible, however, to reclaim a lost childhood. It is possible to change in ways that allow us to experience the wonder, the awe, the engagement in life that God intended for us in childhood.

God invites us to experience this kind of change. God invites us to become like little children. Children are humble - they have a straightforward honesty about their feelings and needs. This humility makes childlike awe and engagement in life possible. It is a vulnerable, humble thing to be a child. Children get tired and need naps. Children need other people. Children have more questions than answers.

Jesus invites us to change and become like little children. It is an invitation to true humility which leads to spontaneity, curiosity and engagement in life.

Lord, I want to reclaim the wonder and delight of childhood.
I want to be eager to learn again.
I want to be ready to love and be loved again.
Give me, Lord, the security and safety I need to be vulnerable and humble.
Help me to be ready for surprises. Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

GIRL and HER FISH TANK

Besides owning two birds, I have a 30 gallon fresh water fish tank.

Many times, after t. or when I need a mind break, I find myself in front of the tank looking at the active gill life. Totally mesmerized by the community of fish and their battle for superior fishdom, I find the calming effect of observing “Fish World” (sort of like their Disney World without Mickey) in my own living room, (no wonder DDS offices usually have them) so welcoming.

DEPTHS OF MY SOUL

This is sort of like a Part 2 with Wrestling Along With God. A bit more specific I suppose with me.

This morning as I had my usual walk/meditation and found warm tears just streaming down my face as God reminded me once again and hard to swallow, that I could not have changed anything from my past and that what I went through as a child was not my fault!

Then today I had a few encounters at work where I was triggered with my thinking, along with anger and frustration. I had to rush off to one of my secrete hideouts to be alone with God and cry once again from the depths of my soul the pain I was experiencing and then giving this particular pain over to Him. Wipe the tears and return back to my desk like nothing ever happened! Something only God and I can experience together.

The deep longings of wanting to belong and having healthy relationships burn so deeply within my soul it is amazing that all this gut-wrenching pain was stuffed all these years and denied that I am able to feel some of the agony now. No wonder we do not look forward to this part of the journey.

At the same time, God in His own gentle way, lets the Spirit flow through me with a peace that is hard to express and the assurance that things, in time will get better. Where I have begun to replace the old negative tapes with positive ones. Even though at this early stage of my Freedom Journey, it is very hard and I seem to always default to the negative side much much much more than the positive. I know I have many years of negative, painful, shameful thinking patterns, along with anger issues and play acting habits to break, so I need to keep that in mind.

I know forgiveness will eventually play a part in this whole scenerio of individuals who hurt me. Do I need to forgive myself in a different way also? I am just not too clear on this as I do not know how forgiveness feels, if in fact there is a "feeling." I always thought that I was in the wrong with most everything so there was really no need to forgive anyone, let alone myself.

Well, off to group........

WRESTLING ALONG WITH GOD

These past few days while I chose to be away from the blogasphere world, but appreciated so much everyone’s prayers and support, I have been wresting along with God. Below are excerpts taken from one of renowned author and speaker, Beth Moore’s transcripts to a live audience that explains as closely to what I am going through. Maybe you could relate also:

Beth: Make no mistake, it is intimacy with God when you are willing to wrestle something out with him.

Listen, there is not much more intimate than wrestling because do you know what it takes to wrestle? You and I would have to be in a complete embrace. I mean it might be that we are struggling against it, that we're fighting, we're pleading, and the tears are streaming down our cheeks but we are close. You cannot wrestle with a soul you are not close to. You are physically -- your proximity -- you are against their very person.

Listen, I'm not sure you're ever closer to God than when you are wrestling something out. Stay in there with him.

Some of us have let go, we have let go too fast. The blessing will come but you must not let go. Whatever you do, you must not let go. You must hang onto God, wrestle it through. Say what you've got to say, cry, plead, ask why. Say how upset you are, but you do not let go.

When you say, "I'm not going to let go, I'm not going to let go no matter what, no matter how the enemy tempts me to walk away from my faith, I will not let go because I will, after this pain, hang in and get my blessing!" Anybody know what I'm talking about?

Say you let go. You know the beauty of God? He is still there. Grab back on. Tell him, I let go too soon. No blessing came out of it at all, Lord! No blessing!

You may say, "Beth, there is no way a blessing can come out of a background of abuse."

I beg to differ. True ministry and compassion and humility of sorts came out of that very background for me. I don't want it for anybody but I'm saying, did God turn it into a blessing? Oh, yes! Oh, yes! He brought my life passion from my life pain. Yes!

Listen -- listen -- through the worst of our struggles it will be through wrestling the hardest things we ever go through in life, wrestling those things out with God that we come out on the other side walking in our identity. It will happen every single time. That's going to be how it happens.

Remember when I shared a few posts back where I could not explain exactly what I was feeling because it was just too deep and there were no words for it, and only God could understand...... well the wrestling is more or less what I was emotionally feeling.

The picture above could not be more accurate with the intense bouts of grieving that has reached the depths of my soul lately. I do realize my pain is not over yet and as hard as the road still may be ahead for me with facing certain fears and dealing with issues, I am willing to journey on.

Whatever struggles you are experiencing and for those of us who have been sexually abused, there is hope. Beth is a living testimony of that.

Please take comfort in the words above, I do.

ANGRY and HURTING

I really hate when I can go most of the day at work without thought of painful memories (because I am kept busy), until I leave work and in my car. Boom! I am flooded with memories. By the time I arrive at home, some five minutes later, I have gone through a dozen curse words, flipped a few people off as I drive........just because.........along with floods of tears and anger as I hate feeling this pain and wish it would just stop!!!!!!!!!!

I know this all is part of the process, and I realize “I Have Gotten In touch With Feelings,” feelings I have not experienced in so long, anger which is now directed to the appropriate individuals and circumstances......so bear with me.....

ORPHANS

Many of us have felt like orphans due to our childhood traumas.
This devotional shares how God will not abandon us as orphans, even though we may feel that He has. How His Son is able to understand the full magnitude of our pain and how He longs to heal us from it.

I can relate to the part that says, not only becoming a functional orphan to some degree when my parents divorced when I was 11 but the lack of my father’s attention and criticism. I picked up on the following truth that is stated:

“Orphans doubt their ability to sustain intimate relationships and find it difficult to trust others. Experiences of abandonment leave us full of loneliness, fear and self-loathing.”

All I can say, that has been so very true, in my life.

Being in t. has let me face many things. Things I could never admit, believe, or even endure all these years before.

I hope you will be able to take some comfort in these words below.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18 There are many ways to become an orphan. Some children become orphans when their parents die. Others become functional orphans when their parents divorce. Other people become orphans as a result of their parent's emotional unavailability. Anyone who has been neglected, abandoned, or abused by people who were important in their life will appreciate what it is like to be an orphan. It is a painful and lonely experience. Orphans doubt their ability to sustain intimate relationships and find it difficult to trust others. Experiences of abandonment leave us full of loneliness, fear and self-loathing.

Jesus understood the acute pain that orphans experience. In this text he responds to that deep pain with a promise of relationship. "I will not leave you as orphans," Jesus says, "I will not abandon you. You will not be without family because I will come to you."

In Jesus we see most clearly that God is attentive and available to us when we feel abandoned or neglected. God respects our needs and responds to our desires for relationship. God calls us out of the brokenness and dysfunction of our very personal orphanage into the community and fellowship of God's family. We are no longer orphans. We are God's children.

Lord, I know about being an orphan.
I know about abandonment.
Thank you for understanding my fear of separation.
Thank you for understanding my need for your presence.
Come. Be present today with me.
I want to spend time with you. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

This POST coincides with what I posted.

SUSTAINED

The devotional shares how we can feel immobilized, totally exhausted as we walk through our journey. I certainly can contest to that. Especially a few weeks ago when I felt paralyzed not only physically, but emotionally, when I had to face some trauma in t. But, during these times, when our road ahead is very long, I am so thankful that I do have a God that will not only carry me, but sustain me as I journey on to freedom.

The idea that as we sojourn in our recovery, God will be at our side picking us up when we stumble and protecting us when faced with danger. God knows each one of us intricately and knows what we need at the moment of rescue.

God sets no time table. He will always be with us, if we let Him in. Even to the ends of the earth.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4 There are times in recovery when we feel totally immobilized - times when we cannot 'walk' at all. In times like this, God promises to carry us. When we are weary or burdened or disabled, God will pick us up gently and carry us. There are also times of exhaustion during recovery - times when we can still move but we don't know where we will get the energy for the next step. When we are on long and difficult journeys that require endurance, God promises to sustain us. God will give us strength and patience and hope so that we can keep going. And there are times of great danger in recovery - times when the risks seem overwhelming. When we are in danger, trapped and overwhelmed, God promises to rescue us. God will pull us out of danger and bring us to a safe place.

God's promised help is attentive to and informed by our specific needs. God will not 'rescue' us when what we really need is strength to continue. God will not give us strength when what we really need is to be carried for a time.

Notice that God's promised help has no time limits. God is not going to grow weary and regret having made these promises. God will be with us today, and tomorrow, and each one-day-at-a-time day throughout our lives even to our 'old age and gray hairs'.

Thank you, Lord, for understanding that I need different things at different times.
Carry me when I cannot walk.
Sustain me when I need to endure.
Rescue me when I am in danger.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

SLOW DOWN

Back in the late 80's early 90's when my life was very busy, if you can believe that, with what I will call now, "co-dependent" friends, whom I used just to get my needs met and to feel good about myself, but who are long gone now due to the sick relationships I created and God intervening. (Talk about abandonment)

Anyway, even then I knew I was too busy (but loved every minute of it, as I felt worthy) and my nature remains to this day to do things quickly despite. So, when I heard this Chuck Girard song (written in 1974) being played one very late evening on a local Christian radio station back in the 80's, I was hooked. Bought the cassette tape (No CD's yet) the following day. In fact, got two cassette tapes, as I wore it out playing the song over and over again, until the tape broke.

To this day, even though my life has drastically changed, I am often reminded of that song (especially when driving too fast, rushing somewhere I do not have to rush to, trying to say something quickly, etc.) and how I tried to implement it into my life back then. Back then I thought if I would slow down things would be good. If anything the song only made me think I felt good, could not restore the so called friendships I was forcing and faking.

Therefore, I have always loved this song. The song has taken on a new meaning for me these days. I would like to share the words with you. I cannot locate a video or soundtrack on the internet, except the words. You can purchase the CD.

I can tell you the song is played very slow.....

SLOW DOWN
In the midst of my confusion, in the time of desperate need.
When I am thinking not too clearly,a gentle voice does intercede.

chorus
Slow down, slow down. Be still. Be still and wait, on the Spirit of the Lord.
Slow down and hear His voice, and know that He is God.

In the time of tribulation, when I am feeling so unsure.
When things are pressing in about me, comes a gentle voice, so still, so pure.

chorus
Slow down, slow down. Be still. Be still and wait, on the Spirit of the Lord.
Slow down and hear His voice, and know that He is God.

©1974 Dunamis Music

MY INDEPENDENCE DAY

Comforting promise when I read these words that God will always be with me despite the barriers I may put up.

Also, on this wonderful day as America celebrates her birthday and we remember all who fought and died for her freedom, that I also claim this to be “My Independence Day.”

My independence to be my very own self which God intended to me to be in the first place!

CONTROL that BINDS

The following problem area is what I am working on in t.

Today became so evident what I am actually doing.

Scenario:
Long holiday (USA) weekend.
Have a controlling mother.
Have a controlling mother who administer guilt when she does not get her way.

With the above in mind I went into planning mode last night, thinking I would be clever to see what would best fit me in getting away with seeing my mother as little as possible this extended weekend. So, I came up with, I would go over to her first thing this morning (Friday) and spend a couple of hours. A couple of hours is (2) correct? Obviously not according to her standards.

I was well prepared for the ‘surface talk’ that we would engage in and the “let’s do this and that” (without asking if I wanted to do “this or that” in the first place, it is always assumed I do), so I was well prepared what to expect as it was a given and manageable by me saying “no.”

Okay, through all of this, even though I “think” I am in control here, “she is still in control.” Yes, because I feel I have to fill my obligation as a daughter to not feel GUILTY to not feel SHAME to not feel I am a BAD girl if I do not oblige, I can go on and on.

Here I think I am doing everything on my own terms, when I am not. In the first place, I did not want to go over to see her !! Secondly, I did not even want to see her at all until Sunday when I meet up with her at church! Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

So, how am I doing now you ask? I am pissed/angry! Pissed at myself because I still give into fear, guilt, shame and weakness and whatever else comes with it.

But, there is a positive side to this and I am proud to say:

“I am also pissed at her for all these years of shaming me into believing that I am this “bad girl” if I do not do what I am told!”

Never could admit let alone mean that until recently!

FACING WEAKNESS

I am feeling very weak in body and spirit today.

Have been meditating on the following:

May God grant me the courage today to face my weakness. May God use my weakness as an occasion for his strength. And may my roots sink deeply in the soil of God’s love.

TRANSITION

I found myself this morning on my knees before the Lord. I cannot put my finger on what brought me to my knees (except the Spirit Himself), but I felt such a need to go before my Lord straight away and be totally in His presence.

Then I go off and read my daily devotional from Dale and Juanita Ryan (part of it below) to find my answer:

"Honestly communicating our fears to God, will build our capacity for trusting God's promises. God has promised to be present with us. And God has promised to provide rest. We will need both to survive the transitions and changes that come with recovery.

Thank you, Lord, for the promise of your presence today.
If you will not go with me,
please don't send me.
Because I can't make it on my own.
The journey is a difficult one.
The path leads through deep valleys.
And, I am sure to lose my way
without your presence to comfort and guide.
Help me to rest today in your promises.
Help me to rest in your loving presence.
Amen.

The word "transition" is what jumped out at me. It is hard. I still struggle with being scared, and giving up my whole 100%, but if I keep focus that my God is with me every step of the way and desires to see me through, then I will be okay!

That is what I feel I am experiencing now, the transition and the Lord is preparing me for the next step!

YOU BELONG!

A few of you in the past have asked about the quote in my blog’s heading. When I saw that particular quote one day in one of Dale and Juanita Ryan’s NACR Daily Meditation, I led claim to it. It made such an impact on me, that I put it on my blog from the-git-go.

I would like to “expound “(like that big word guys and gals?) on the quote a bit now below:

God comes to our lonely, anxious hearts and whispers our name. God says "I see both the fear you have of closeness and the deep longing you have to belong. I have come to comfort you and to respond to your need. I have been seeking a relationship with you. You belong. You belong to me. You are my child."

Every time I read this quote, which is at least once a day, I am reminded of the impact the words “You belong” have on me!!! I am actually someone! God considers me His child. I need to be constantly reminded of this, as it does NOT come easy!

I also pray for anyone else who is touched by those words or any part of the quote to accept them into their hearts!!

Since my blogs inception in March of this year, those words, “You belong” have stuck. Still the whole quote is very powerful, and maybe in a few weeks I will be able to relate to yet another promise within the quote. Each time accepting more and more of what God has to offer freely.

PBS SONG FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard back from the nice people at PBS!!! I AM THRILLED! Something I do not experience often, as now my search is over!

For all of you who have followed my recent post about my search for this song IN SEARCH OF, which I found out now is entitled, "Living Life" (how appropriate is that) and now the actual sound track which is HERE. Click the top one which reads: Feelgood & Positive Guitar Rock, With Strings
composed by: Paul Leonard-Morgan. Click the arrow to start the player. Don't click on the picture itself. Stay on the same page.

This is really the first time I am actually hearing this song in its entirety!!!!

Now, a lot of you are gonna wonder, "eh....just a song, nothing special" which is fine!

BUT FOR ME.........

For some reason this music takes over me emotionally!!!! There is some signifigance in the instruments that just take me back to my childhood. Although I feel I have a very sensative spirit and can pick up on things pretty well, only God knows why this instrumental effects me so right now, and I really mean that!!!

GUIDANCE and CLEAR DIRECTION

I am quite aware that I am in the process of still grieving my losses, but know that there has to come a time to move onward towards my goal of freedom. I certainly do not want to rush my grieving process, if I am not ready.

The last few days of what I call “mourning” for me, I even questioned “how much longer do I have to endure this emotional pain?” What I am noticing now is a pattern where the pain repeats itself too many times in one area, where in my spirit I feel I have already dealt with this particular area. This is where I question the need now to move on with God’s help.

I am quite aware there is a spiritual warfare (that we do not see) going on all around us at the same time that can have a tremendous negative influence on our thinking and belief system if one is not grounded in the Word.

Your prayers are appreciated for guidance and clear direction.

Thanks! ♥