BREATHE JBR BREATHE

Being that I am some what a control freak in many areas of my life. Have to have somewhat of set schedule/plan in place and I am one that anticipates possibilities of problems down the line (makes my mind work over time and mentally become exhausted) not just in my work but in life too, and think of solutions way-a-head of time if need be. Takes a lot of mental work to do this, but it has always been a part of me. Always anticipating "what could happen." I have been praying this past weekend (that was the anxiousness and stirring I felt the Lord doing in me), that come Monday to begin to try and give my anxious thoughts over to the Lord. Even if it is just one item a day, to at least start there. No matter how significant.

Well, it certainly was hard!!! I wanted to worry. I did not want to wait. I did not want to pray further. I wanted to do it my way, right now, right then!! The Lord continued to get my attention through out the day! When this happened, I made it a point to be mindful and slow down.

Kept on telling myself, “JBR slow down, chill out, it is not worth it to get bent out of shape, breathe, breathe, breathe.”

I even have to apply this to my driving. That is a hard one, as 'everyone' in my eyes is just tooooooo slow!!! And I am in a hurry to get no where. Does not make sense, but hey you are dealing with someone who is in recovery, so it does make sense!

So, that was my start for Monday in relinquishing my troubled/anxious mind over to the Lord.

Tomorrow, my busiest day of the week and shortest at work, will be the ultimate challenge. He and I will have a go at this again.

THE PROCESS OF CHANGE

Even though the book continues to touch on areas of our pain (which I will continue to share), there are also practical things we need to do to help us in our recovery. I pray that this post will be an encouragement:

“We do not change in a vacuum. Your new choices will have repercussions on those around you. Your determination to change can sometimes be threatening to people in your life because it means they will have to change, too. Even though it’s change for the better, people don’t always willingly make the commitment to healthier living.

When you first remember your abuse or acknowledge it effects, you may feel tremendous relief. Finally there is a reason for your problems. There is someone, and something, to blame. But eventually you realize that things are not that simple–or fair.

One woman went to ten years of incest-related therapy before she realized she was the one responsible for changing her own life:

I had to go from dealing with the incest an hour a week in therapy to dealing with it in my real life. I realized I had to stop talking at forty dollars an hour (1980's) and start doing. It’s a lot cheaper to fix yourself on your own time than to depend on an hour a week to get better. I could talk therapy with anyone who had the lingo, but I had to realize I wasn’t taking care of myself in real life.

I decided to change my life and take responsibility for what was happening to me. I started asking myself questions like, ‘What did I do to immobilize myself? Why did I stay in an abusive relationship?’

And then I started taking care of my own life. I changed my relationships. I changed my job. I changed my home. I started taking care of business! I filed suit against my ex-lover for assault. I got money back that I had loaned out. I fought a custody battle against my ex-husband. I started getting angry. I started to cry. I’ve really changed. I look different. I sound different. I changed my life intentionally.” (The Courage to Heal)

That is what we need to do!

I am in the process of changing my life intentionally also!

The tools we learn to cope with in our your journey in recovery are vital, but also vital is our understanding to move forward.

I know I am much stronger today, then a year ago....in so many areas of my life to God be the glory!

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!

***Possible Major Triggers***
“Children often believe that they are to blame for being sexually abused. Many adult survivors continue to hold this belief. Although large numbers of children and adolescents are abused, it is never the fault of any of them. Yet there are many reasons why survivors assume that blame.

Some survivors were told explicitly that it was their fault. Your father said, “You’re a bad, nasty, dirty girl. That’s why I’m doing this.” Your brother told you, “You really want this to happen. I know you do.” Your teacher said, “You’re such a sexy little girl. I just can’t help myself.”

Your religion might have told you that you were a sinner, unclean, damned to hell. You might have become convinced you were unlovable, even to God.

There are also less obvious reasons why survivors blame themselves. It is a stark and terrifying realization for a child to see how vulnerable and powerless she actually is. Thinking that you were bad, that you had some influence on how you were treated, gave a sense of control, though illusory.

In truth, nothing you did caused the abuse; nothing within your power could have stopped it. Your world was an unsafe place where the adults who abused you were untrustworthy and out of control, where your well-being, and sometimes your very life, was in danger.

Recognizing that you were not to blame means accepting the fact that the person who abused you-someone you might have loved and trusted-didn’t have your best interests at heart.” (The Courage to Heal)


I brought up the following concerns with my t. last week:

“What did my brother say to me to lure me into doing what he wanted?” I have no recollection of this. Was I so damn trustworthy of him, whatever he said or however he put it that I just said, “okay?” Did he threaten me, even though I do not recall this at all? I have never thought about his method of getting me to the woods. What was I actually thinking while we were walking side by side ½ a mile to the sandpit, or ending up in his darken bedroom?? Was I scared? Did I know what would happen? Did I want to do this? I can see some things fall into place, but no words.

The more I read this book and the more I talk about my abuse, the more I will believe that it was not my fault!

I do catch myself more now observing children who were at the age I was of the time of my abuse and how very small and carefree they are. No way in my own mind could I have conjured up at that age of innocence something that would devastate and change my life completely. Why would I do something like that to myself? Why is it so hard to accept it was not my fault? Extremely hard to grasp, but it is a truth that I need to accept!!

I do hope there is some encouragement in what I am saying to anyone.

I too need to hear these words over and over again until one day when I can actually "believe" that “IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.”

REST

Sonday greetings to all.

I have had an anxious and unsettling spirit all weekend. Effects my whole being and makes me unsettled and antcy. A lot of the time when I feel this way, I find God is working something in me or out of me. So in the meantime.....

I thought I would share some scripture on the topic of "rest." As I know I need it, and a lot of you out there need it. Now we need to apply it!

I am just as guilty as the next person by saying, "oh this is nice, wish it could be for me." Well, it can be!

Matt 11:28-30 (Amp) Come to me all you who labor (feel fatigue, work hard, toil, be wearied) and are heavy laden (to load up, overburdened w/ ceremony or spiritual anxiety) & overburdened, and I will cause you to rest (I will ease & relieve & refresh your souls) (be exempt, remain, refresh, take ease).

29 Take my yoke (coupling, pair of balances) upon you & learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) & humble (lowly) in heart and you will find rest (relief & ease & refreshment & recreation & blessed quiet) (intermission) for your souls.

30 for My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, pleasant), (easy, better, good, gracious, kind) & my burden (task, service) is light & easy to be borne.

I Peter 5:7-8 (Amp) Casting (fling) the whole of your care (all your anxieties & all your worries, all your concerns, once & for all) on Him for He cares for your affectionately & cares about you watchfully.

GRIEVING FOR LOST INNOCENCE

***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***
“As a survivor of child sexual abuse, you must grieve for the shattered image of a world that is just, where children are cared for, where people respect each other. You must mourn your lost innocence, your belief that it’s safe to trust. And sometimes, you must even grieve for a part of yourself that didn’t make it:

I went down to see the children inside me. The first one I noticed just sat on the curb in my abdomen. She’s sit there with her head in her hands, looking very sad, or she’d be jumping up and down, being manic. Then there was one in my heart who would sit in a room behind a door. She’d open the door and peek out, and then shut the door, ‘cause she got scared.’ Then there was the one who was dead. I’d been waiting for her to wake up. And one day I was lying in bed crying, and I said, “Okay, it’s time for you to wake up,” but she was dead. I sobbed and mourned that a part of me had died. The part of me that had really wanted to believe in the good of the family and the good of everyone just died.” (The Courage to Heal)

Personally, I can basically relate to all three. One a little more than the others, which is the little girl who hides behind the door and peeks out to see if it is safe to come out. That is the big one for me.

My little girl for now remains extremely scared to come out. Though, she does peek beyond the door a little more each time as she feels a little bit more safe talking about her past monsters.

Most of my life I have had the heavy cloud of sadness over me and even though the sexual abuse was bad enough, I believe the day I died inside was when all hope was lost with my parents ever getting back together.

MOTHER'S IRRATIONAL FEARS

Saw my mother this morning.

She had a list of things for me to do around her apt. I know she has no one close by to her to do some minor fixings and replacings (my brother lives 5 hours away)so I am always the one. It is good that I am somewhat mechanically inclined and can fix most minor things.

I want to do whatever she needs done as quickly as possible. The less time I spend with her the less time she goes off on me and we argue. As usual, while I am doing her repairs I have to keep on telling her to “get out of my way.” Seems she cannot leave me alone to do the work and has to be in my way constantly to make sure I am doing whatever it is “right.” Like she knows, otherwise she should be doing it herself!! So I am always telling her to move!

Then her usual conversations of guilt and irrational fears (which I am so prepared for now) arise as she follows me around like a hound dog while I continue to fix what is on her list.

Today’s major fear was that “she and I should live together because when she gets sick, I can take care of her.” So I stopped her right there and said, “Are you sick now?” “No” she answers. So, I said “then don’t worry about it.” She replies, "so you don't want to even live with me." I just shook my head and went on.

Next was what certain route I take with my car to a certain place incase I get into an accident or my car dies on the road. I told her, that "I have the cell phone you gave me and if my car dies I am capable of calling for help.” Her irrational response to that was, "what kind of mother would I be if I did not know what route you take?" Okay, whatever?????

What does she do all day, think of things she can worry about me with?

Then we go on to the next topic of worry (this time I am almost done with her list of fixings, thank you Lord) for her which is the economy and how “I” am going to survive. I said, “I” am doing fine with God’s help. Maybe you should do that too.”

Oops!!!

I really wanted to catch myself before the words slipped out on that last statement to her, because I knew without a doubt she would come back with a snippy answer. Which she did stating, “God didn’t give us a brain not to do anything about problems.” So, I just said, "I will pray for you that you do not worry so much!"

By this time, I was finished with my repairs, and left. Not without hearing her parting words....“I never spend time with her and that I am always in a hurry.”

Well no duh!!!

ROUTINE CHANGE

Lately I have been observing more and more my routine changing since I have connected more and more with my emotional pain.

The three major rountines that bother me are:

I have been one that used to have no problem getting up first thing in my morning, now I continue to fight and even get angry that I have to get up as I want to sleep in every single day!!! (Something I never ever do)

I used to be faithful in walking every single day for over 20 years, now, I am lucky if I can even motivate myself to even "think about" that I should be walking for exercisie.

I used to be careful with what I was eating, now I do not seem to care as much!

I do hope this is temporary and part of the process. I would hate to loose the desire to exercise especially! I enjoyed walking, it was a stress releaser....

I am off to see my mother this morning also! THIS IS ONE ROUTINE I certainly want to break. It has gotten better with cutting down on the amount of visit, even though the tension remains high when we are together. Cannot totally ignore!! Ugh.

BUT IT FELT GOOD

***MAJOR POSSIBLE TRIGGERING***
***Explicit Language***
Please take extra gentle care in reading this post. I will let this section speak for itself. The only reason why I am sharing this blurb from the book is because, I know a lot of you out there struggle big time with this guilt!!

“Although some women felt only pain or numbness when they were abused, others experienced sensual or sexual pleasure, arousal, and orgasm. Even though your experience of abuse might have been confusing, frightening, or devastating, you might also have experienced some degree of pleasurable feelings. For many, this aspect of the abuse is one of the most difficult to deal with.

One woman was gang-raped as a teenager and had an orgasm. ‘For a long time I thought it was a cruel joke that God had made my body that way. I forgot what had happened because of the shame of having liked it.’

It is important to recognize that it is natural to have sexual feelings, and that even if you had sexual responses to the abuse and those sensations felt good, it still doesn’t mean that you were responsible in any way.

Our bodies are created to respond to stimulation. When we are touched sexually, our whole physiology is designed to give us pleasure. These are natural bodily reactions over which we do not have control.

The girl or woman who is sexually abused and experiences orgasm does not want to be abused. The fact that she responds sexually is not a statement that sexual pleasure is bad. And--very important--it is not a betrayal of her body. Her body did what bodies are supposed to do. You were betrayed not by your body but by the adults who abused you. “ (The Courage to Heal)

I do remember the sensation of my brothers touch. Whether I was aroused or not, I do not recall, but for me I think I was more frighten and numb.

FATHER

Have not really blogged much about my father. He has been dead since 1989. Once my parents divorced 40 years ago ( I was a mere child) and I was whisked away to another “life” which was hell in itself, I could only see my father on holidays. Holidays, which soon became Holiday. He really did not want to make the effort and spend the time with me as he had other things going on in his life, so the excuses would come non-stop to why I was not able to fly down to see him.

Memories are now surfacing more and one in particular is the fear I had of my father. Not that he would beat me, but what he thought of me. Me having to do things right in his eyes not to get criticized or scolded but to feel validated.

Later on in my adult life, when I moved back to the same state where my father lived with his new wife, my inner-child followed. Well in fact, she never left. Every time she saw her dad, she went back to the childlike state. She felt abandoned and hurt. She saw much more of this as an adult when he would interact more with his girlfriends, then remarried and really pushed her away. It hurt, but she stuffed it and continued to try and compete with the adults and with his alcohol addiction to no avail.

She saw her dad, to give him his birthday gift, a week before he died un-expectantly from a heart attack and lingered another week in a coma. She would visit daily the ICU ward, but the emotions were not there to grieve for the man. Even to this day when she reflects back, nothing is there.

THE CHILD WITHIN

This post’s excerpt from the book, ironically enough, was what I discussed a lot tonight in t. How I treat my inner-child and how much shame I feel and how I need to NOT NOT NOT NOT reject her when she acts a certain way and JUST TO LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!

I think I finally get it!!!

That it is okay to feel what I am feeling and not feel WEIRD or OUT OF PLACE or ABNORMAL, but to accept her right now right here. And mainly NOT NOT NOT NOT get angry at her!!!! It was NOT her fault!! She did nothing wrong, despite what she believes and was told!!!

“Healing from sexual abuse requires that we find compassion for the vulnerable child inside each of us who was hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. When we talk about “the child within,” we are talking about forming a loving, respectful relationship with the person you once were: as a baby, as a toddler, as a school child, as a teenager. Developing empathy for these inner children is an essential part of healing.

Many survivors struggle with the child within. Too often, women blame her, resent her, or ignore her completely. Survivors sometimes hate themselves for having been small, for having needed affection, for having “let themselves be abused.” (The Courage to Heal)

Minus the “loving” part for now, I need to respect the child within. I came so very close tonight in t. to crying, but she would not let me. She feels so much shame. She remembers now that her father would not like it when she cried. So she had to suck it up. That being said, and in time when I am able to grieve more freely, it will happen. But, still I do not have to beat up on my inner-child , and just let her be. After all, this is how she survived all these years.

This will certainly NOT be easy! It will be a work in progress to remind myself daily when I start going off on her, to bring her back and to try and comfort her by saying, “it is okay to react this way. Let her hide if she needs to. Let her giggle when she has to. She is not stupid, she is not an outcast, she is not weird, and she is not different.”

To anyone who has similar struggles as me, I want to encourage you as I hope you encourage me that this can be done! Not on our own, but with the help of God, and trusted people, it can be accomplished, however long it takes!!

COCOONING WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT

There is a reason why God made it not possible for us to observe with the naked eye what goes on inside a cocoon of a caterpillar ready to metamorph . There is a transformation going on where the caterpillar liquifies and probably not a appetizing sight to witness into the beautiful butterfly. (Sort of like when the Holy Spirit does emotional surgery on our spiritual heart, at times it is not a pretty sight and is a private healing between the Spirit and the individual.)

There is a precise time frame for the transformation of the caterpillar into the butterfly where it is a struggle but one that ‘must not’ be tampered with, unless we end up killing the caterpillar in its process to freedom.

Same goes with there is a precise time frame for each of us in our healing to freedom. We cannot rush the process......

IN THE REAL (Wrestling Again)

God and I are wrestling it out again!!

Again, my emotional pain is deep!.. Finding it is hard to put what I am going thru in wrds. Only can grieve and cry out to God, as He sees the whole picture.

This is a new set of deep emotions from the last time I was wrestling with Him back in July. I feel I am more in “the real” than ever before.

I am tired and exhausted. Want to, quit, disappear, and do not like myself!

I feel so very alone.

MUM BATTLE

Another major battle mum and I had (which I knew would happen) that started tonight! The reason I knew this battle was going to happen is because my church is going through major changes and the service times are one of the changes. I want to go to the later one, but she prefers to go to the earlier one. We fought back and forth on the phone tonight as to "why I cannot go to the earlier one with her." I even warned her last week my intentions of going to the later one. I came so close to saying, "Because I do not want to go with you period!" She drives me to my limit!! Then her guilt voice came on with the guilt words, "then when can I see you? I won't be able to see you anymore, I need you to do some things at my place." Trying to compromise some how I said that I would try and see her between services. That she did not like.

Even though I prepared myself all week for the possibility of what she would be saying to me, it is still hard to fight for my boundaries!!! I still get pissed off when I have to confront her!!! I really hate this!!! Still, I feel I am much stronger now then I was a few months ago, because I Want So Bad to be my own self!!

Again, it was like, "when will I see you?" I have no clue what tomorrow morning will bring. I do not want to fall back in my old ways and give in!!

I REALLY HATE HAVING TO FIGHT FOR SOMETHING I WANT TO DO INDEPENDENTLY!!

So, I hit my knees right after our conversation tonight, as I just could not take this guilt on and made an effort to release the crap I was feeling to the Lord!

A POWER GREATER!

It states below, “Either we will find a power greater than ourselves to help us, or we will stay in bondage.” God needs to be in our recovery! This is my personal belief, and I know some of you struggle with this because of your pain and belief "where was God in all of this?" and I certainly can understand.

But, I know I am powerless, and I know there is a God that is powerful!! And most of all, a God Who Does Not Shame Us!

I love where it says that we do not serve a co-dependent God! How awesome is that!!

I pray that this devotional will encourage you, as it has me!

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron. Psalm 107:13-16

Addictions and compulsions are a kind of bondage. Painful memories are also like chains that bind us. We try harder and harder to change. But sometimes the harder we try, the tighter the chains become. Recovery begins when we recognize that our bondage is too great for us. We are not powerful enough to break these chains. Either we will find a power greater than ourselves to help us, or we will stay in bondage.

Many people find the idea of powerlessness to be very troubling. We want to be competent and self-reliant. And, many of us have had people attempt to 'rescue' us in ways that have increased our shame and self-contempt. So, why should we welcome the God-who-rescues? Won't he also shame us?

First, notice in this text that God's intervention is in response to a request. We do not serve a codependent God. God is not entangled in our compulsions. God will not rescue in ways that are shame-full. God knows that we need to be ready to be helped and that we need to cry out for help.

Notice also in this text that it is the God-of-unfailing-love who is our higher power. Because so many of us are convinced that God is vindictive, punitive and abusive, it can be terrifying in our powerlessness to focus on the power of God. We are sure that all of that power will be used against us. But the God-of-unfailing-love is not a vindictive, punitive or abusive God. God is a God-of-tough-love. That's the only kind of love that can be 'unfailing.' But God is not 'against' us. God is 'for' us.

Recovery is being set free by God's powerful love.

I was powerless, Lord.
I expected you to increase my shame and self-contempt.
But you are a God of unfailing love.
I expected you to use your power against me.
But when I called, you came.
You crashed the gates.
You cut the bars.
You broke the chains.
You are leading me out of this darkness and
deepest gloom into the light of day.
Thank you. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

HOW SURVIVORS ARE SILENCED

***Possible Major Triggers***
I would like to say when I share from this book I have to actually type word for word the excerpts (can’t copy and paste from the internet, not available), it is like a triple whammy for me. To actually read it, type it, and then re-read it over a few times to make sure I captured the authors thoughts correctly. Sometimes I actually feel like the picture below after doing these intense posts:

With that being said, yes, this blog is certainly for my benefit as it now supplies my daily journaling in hopes that what I say may be not only encouraging and ‘hopeful,’ to me but to many of you despite the painful topic in our quest to freedom.

Again, I want to caution all who read to be ‘gentle with yourself’ as there are triggers in these writings.

“Everyone has the right to tell the truth about her life. Although most survivors have been taught to keep abuse a secret, this silence is not in your best interests. The sexual molestation of children and the resulting shame thrive in an atmosphere of silence. As one survivor explained, ‘Incest is not a taboo. Talking about it is a taboo.’” (Courage to Heal)

During the time of my molestation, I remember asking my brother why he was doing what he was and his reply was simply, “he wanted to be a doctor.” Sadly, that answer was sufficient for me. So much so that I recall confirming his statement so innocently the next time he abused me, “so you want to be a doctor?”

He did not even have to tell me to keep what he was doing to me a secret. He knew how to play me and knew that what he told me I would believe and that would be final. Which it was for so many years. I went through my childhood into adulthood never telling a sole, until later on in life when I continued to see a concerning pattern with my relationships. Always, always, always, always thinking that “I” had the problem!! Something was wrong with me!!! Why can’t I carry on even in a platonic relationship with the opposite sex, why, why, why, why. Why am I so very frighten of what will happen to me? Why do I fear for my well-being? Why do I get physically ill when I think of the possibilities of someone hurting or taking advantage of me which will cause me physical pain? Scared out of my mind!! Later on I just avoided any possible intimate relationships all together.

LETTING MEMORIES IN

****Possible Triggers****
“Few survivors feel that they have control over their memories. Most feel that the memories have control of them, that they do not choose the time and place that a new memory will emerge. You may be able to fight them off for a time, but the price-nightmares, headaches, exhaustion-is not worth staving off the inevitable.

Not everyone can tell when a memory is coming, but many survivors do get warnings, a certain physical sensation or feeling, that clues them in. Your stomach may get tight. You may sleep poorly or have frightening dreams. Or you may be warned in other ways:

I always know when they’re coming. I get very tense. I get very scared. I get snappy at things that ordinarily wouldn’t make me angry. I get sad. Usually it’s anger and anxiety and fear that come first. And I have a choice. It’s a real conscious choice. It’s either I want it or I don’t want it. And I said, “I don’t want it,” a lot. When I did that, I would just get sicker and sicker. I’d get more depressed. I’d get angry irrationally.

Now I don’t say I don’t want it. It’s not worth it. My body seems to need to release it. The more I heal, the more I see these memories are literally stored in my body, and they’ve got to get out. Otherwise I’m going to carry them forever.” (Courage to Heal)

Another woman shares,

“The more I worked on the abuse, the more I remembered. First I remembered my brother, and then my grandfather. About six months after that I remembered my father. And then about a year later, I remembered my mother. I remembered the “easiest” first and the “hardest” last. Even though it was traumatic for me to realize that everyone in my family abused me, there was something reassuring about it. For a long time I’d felt worse than the initial memories should have made me feel, so remembering the rest of the abuse was actually one of the most grounding things to happen. My life suddenly made sense.” (Courage to Heal)

Do you see yourself in any of this?

It seems that once we have accepted that we were abused and are not in denial, and remembering much about our abuse, certain things come into perspective, as the author above stated, “My life suddenly made sense.”

I am not forwarned if a new memory arises despite feeling uptight most of the time, angry at things I should not be, and extremely sad and depressed (those two have been a part of my life).

Through much prayer now, if I find myself struggling with recollection of a memory, I tend to eventually remember more to the incident. Not necessarily at that moment. May take a day, a week, a month, etc. All in God's timing, if so be it! I believe it all depends on the individual also and how much they are willing to let go and how truly they want to be healed into freedom!

A lot of the time it is extremely frightening remembering, recalling as I do this by myself or in a safe environment at my t. session. A lot of the time "I just do not want to go there!" I become so frighten! I do know and I am reassured, that once I face these fears, "the monsters" will be so much easier to handle!! So, with that in mind, that is the "hope" I hold on to!!!!

When alone, if I feel I really need to see more into a particular memory, I try and become more relaxed and not "try so hard." Now, I am only speaking for myself. Everyone is different. A lot of you do not want to even face anymore than you already know, and I certainly can understand that, and that is okay!

I had to take a breather the other day, as I was having a difficult time processing, so I too need to be cautious and know my limitations and not end up in a tailspin.

KLINGONS

Love the title. First comes to mind was Star Trek’s Klingons. Ugly creatures they are.

Co-dependency (Cling-on) is an ugly creature as well. With the Star Trek series/movies, the Klingon’s were I believe once enemies and wanted to destroy the Enterprise. Just like co-dependency is, wants to destroy the individual(s).

The passage below, shines a light on just what happens to the Cling-on and Clingee in this case when the two meet. I know this toooooo well.!!!

I hope this blesses and encourages some of you:

“We have all known “cling-on”, people who cling to anyone who seems to care for them. Generally, they have been deprived of understanding, love, and respect. The “clingee” ends up feeling suffocated and pulls away, which confirms the cling’on’s original insecurity. New and loving relationships in themselves don’t make up for our past negative relationships. Recovery from childhood deprivations is a process that must also include working through past issues. Otherwise, our new relationships will follow the same destructive patterns as those in the past.”
(The Recovery Bible)

FEELING THE FEELINGS

****Possible MAJOR Triggers****
“Although remembering sometimes feels emotionally detached, when you remember with feeling, the helplessness, terror, and physical pain can be as real as any actual experience. Sexual arousal may also accompany your memories, and this may horrify you, but arousal is a natural response to sexual stimulation. You don’t have to be ashamed.

You might recall feeling close; you might remember the pleasure of having the attention of someone you loved. Disgust and horror are not the only feelings that accompany memories. There is no right way to feel, but you must feel, even if it sends you reeling.” (The Courage to Heal)

This chapter on ‘Feeling the Feelings’ is a bit hard for me to blog tonight, as I have to reach deep down and I really do not want to go there, but as the quote above says, “...but you must feel, even if it sends you reeling.”

Just want to reiterate, that I am in therapy.

This topic is probably one in a list of topics that is frightening for me. Within these past couple of weeks, I have become more sensitive with remembering, as I shared in my previous post, of my surroundings during my actual abuse. What was actually around me, the trees in the woods, the sand pit tunnel, the smell in the air, the stillness, the dark bedroom, the bed, etc. And on more that one occasion recently I have experienced remembering what it actually felt like when my brother was touching me, what position he was in, as I, and our conversations during those times.

Damn we were just kids!!

WHEN MEMORIES SURFACE

****Possible Triggers****
Most of my memories of being sexually abused have been with me through out my life. Since t. and realizing the abuse has played a big part of my relationship problem I have been able to recall a bit more vividly of my surroundings while the abuse was going on, as oppose to the events “just happening.”

“Memories arise under many different circumstances. Three factors are usually present when survivors recall abuse that they have previously blocked out: distance from the original abuse, a life event that leads to the letting down of defenses, and an external situation that restimulates the memory. Sometimes women remember abuse when there is sufficient safety for the memories and feelings to emerge-for example, when they’re finally in a relationship that feels safe or when they move out of their parents’ home.

Other times, difficult or painful events may precede remembering. You may experience a loss, such as divorce, retirement, menopause, or the death of a loved one and may feel as though everything in your life is unraveling. Medical treatment-a trip to the dentist, a gynecological exam, surgery, anesthesia, or other invasive medical procedures-can also jar loose buried feelings and images. A contemporary event that resembles the original abuse can sometimes trigger memories." (Courage to Heal)

In sharing this book I want to encourage all, that there is "hope.” I look forward to my freedom in this area of my life and other areas that I am working on. May take some time, but if there is hope, then I am for it!!

Please also take the time to vote (upper left hand corner of my blog) if you want me to continue with sharing about this book on my blog. Sure you can choose not to read it if it is just too triggering, but I would really like to know what the majority thinks and I will go from there. As I really do not want to hurt anyone! But, at the same time, if this is beneficial for you all to share, then I will continue.

Thank you!!

REMEMBERING

****Possible Triggers****
There is a lot to cover in this chapter. So I will take piece by piece for each one and blog about it in different posts.

“The experience of remembering abuse varies greatly from survivor to survivor. Many women have always remembered their abuse. They may have minimized its importance, denied its impact on their lives, or been numb to their feelings, but they have never forgotten the events themselves. One woman explained, ‘I could rattle off the facts of my abuse like a grocery list, but remembering the fear and terror and pain was another matter entirely.’” (Courage to Heal)

I can relate to this woman in not being able to recall the fear, terror or pain. I do have the memories of hiding in my bedroom closet to avoid my brother’s advances, so I must have felt fear at the time, even though at this point I cannot actually “feel” the memory.

“Some women have blocked out entire segments of their childhood. For instance, they may not remember anything at all-or only the slightest fragments-before the age of seven. Other survivors have selective or partial memory. They remember some occurrences but not others.” (Courage to Heal)

As far as I can recall, I have always remembered my abuse to some degree. Throughout my years, I could recall the incidents in my mind, but never thought that they had any effect on how I relate, until I finally realized that they did!!

Within these past few months in t. I recalled, after finding a picture that was taken around the time my brother was abusing me, my uncle’s great nephew or someone like that (only met him that one time), who was around my age or a year older, we were visiting them, he made both verbal and sexual advances on me. It is amazing to even have a photograph of that very evening (of us all) and this pervert who I had to fight off grabbing me at every opportunity throughout the night until my family and I left to go home. I do remember being very, very nieve and giggling a lot. On the car ride back home, I recall telling both my parents and even my brother who was with us what this idiot tried to do. Naturally, what I said was ‘poo-pooed’ and nothing ever came up about it again.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE

I do not usually do videos, but this one touched me deeply!!!

I am sure it will touch some of you.

ROUGH PATCHES

Hey, needed to take a break. Hit one of those rough patches.

The Lord continues to put on my heart that He wants to break through with showing the unconditional Love He has for me and also for me to open up to the people who honestly care and are concerned about me and for me to welcome their "love and compassion."

Does not matter if I do not understand what "love" is, but I Must Be Willing to let people in to help along in my healing process. I know this is not easy, but it is a must!

THE EMERGENCY STAGE

****POSSIBLE TRIGGERS****
****EXPLICIT LANGUAGE****
Praying beforehand, I felt that if I give a disclaimer at the beginning of posts that I feel need attention to, like I do with “Possible Triggers” but also then mention “Explicit Language” it will give you the option of continuing or not.  I did not want to ‘waterdown’ the actual language in the book and lose the effect of what is being said and experienced.  So, when you see these warnings, please take note and “be gentle with yourself.”

“Many women go through a period when sexual abuse is literally all they can think about.  You may find yourself talking about it obsessively with anyone who will listen, having uncontrollable flashbacks, crying all day long, or unable to go to work.  Your life may be full of overwhelming crises.  You may dream about your abuser or be afraid to sleep.” (The Courage to Heal)

Laura Davis, one of the authors of this book shares:

“I just lost it completely.  I wasn’t eating.  I wasn’t sleeping.  I did hold down a job at Winchell‘s Donuts.  But I was afraid to stay in the house alone.  I would go out in the middle of the night and hide somewhere, behind a dumpster or something.  I had terrible nightmares about my father.  I was having all kinds of fantasies.  I’d hear the sound of my father’s zipper coming down, the click of the buckle.  Then I’d imagined all this blood.  Physically, I was a mess.  I had crabs.  I hadn’t bathed in a month.  I was afraid of the shower.”“The emergency stage is not something you choose, yet it must be ridden through to the other side.  It cannot be ignored or pushed away through a force of will.  As one survivor aptly remarked, “It’s like learning a new word.  Within days, you start seeing it in everything you read, and you never saw it before in your life.” (Courage To Heal)

The authors go on to state that in this emergency stage it is something we do not choose.  We all come from different backgrounds and experiences.  Some much more intense and devastating than others.  But, still we are damaged.  Early on in our recovery we have many words for what we are experiencing.  I know I have used the words to describe what I have been going through as a volcano slowly errupting, spewing out bits and pieces of matter.In surviving the “Emergency Stage:”

“Sometimes when you look at your healing and the shit you went through, it’s just so big.  The pain can be enormous.  You have to just put one foot in front of the other.  Don’t look at how big it is.  Just put one foot in front of the other.  And then when you look up, you’re someplace else.”  (Courage to Heal).  

I will end this post here.  Will pick up later on the topic of “Easing the Intensity of the Emergency Stage” in another post.  I do not want to post continually on this book one post after another.  We all need a breather.  I need a breather.  So, I will have lighter posts in-between like usual.  Well, if you can call “my life” of posts lighter.  Well, you know what I mean....

I AM, I SAID

Tonights t. session had a lot to do with me and my wanting to control my environment around me and the need to know why I am doing what I am doing otherwise I can go balastic. Now, for the past couple of days I have been having this one particular song on my mind. Now it kind of falls into place......I think......so here goes.....

I shared with you a few weeks back about one of my roommates (the good one) and how we connected for a short while after ten years just recently. I also alluded to a roommate (“horrid”). Well, even though I have seen “horrid” a few times at a distance in these past years, what I went through with her, still haunts me at times.

Ironically, the other day out of the blue, the song by Neil Diamond, “I Am I Said” popped in my head. Have not thought of that song and its meaning in over ten years. Even though the melody is nice, this song now has very negative connotations for me. This is why:

The “horrid” roommate linked this song to me (why she chose this song among many others I will not know) and said it best described who I was at the time. One of “horrid’s” methods was to constantly remind me of this person who was empty and ”horrid” would just criticize, accuse me of things, make threats against me etc. and literally brainwashed me. She was very paranoid and thought I was a threat towards the end.

She constantly beat me down emotionally and said I was in essence “bad” and I was sooooo imprisoned and fearful of her and her words. Very critical (like both my parents). The other so-called friends I did have of mine, she pit me against them and said they were no good, and I lost them. She replaced those friends with her friends, so you can just imagine.

The mind torment and the mind control “horrid” put me through (close to two years) because I believed it, and did not know what to do was devastating. I did fear her. Sickly enough, I was so co-dependent on her. I lost 30 pounds because I was in constant turmoil and could not eat. Could not sleep and God only knows how I functioned at work. I was at her beck and call 24 hours a day. And I mean that. She would have me pick her up from work nightly at 1:00 a.m. then I would have to be at work by 8:00 a.m. All along she had a car, but she wanted me to be her chauffeur and control me. I would have to take her and pick her up from places, do her what was then “typing” for her college work. Went food shopping for her, did her laundry you name it I did it. All on my time. (Naturally at the time I did not see it this way and saw nothing wrong. I saw someone paying attention to me even though I felt like crap, the attention was much better) Sick, yes! Anyway, that is just a smidgin of what the mental abuse of “hell” I went through with her.

Again, I do not know why I blog about this, as I did have it buried and thought I dealt with most of it (through past counselling). Maybe someone needs to see something in my words, or maybe I need to see my words again and see that how awful of a situation I was in for those years and thankfully got out. As I said, I went right into t. after that, as I was a mess. Even though things did get better I hit a really bad snag a few years later, and noticed my well-being went down the tubes for a long long long time.

I know there are different types of controlling. “Horrid” had the “sick controlling” oppose to the controlling I desire in my life to make sure everything works smoothly. I know all this control stuff within me has been there way before even having roommates. It started in my youth when all my crap was going on.

So, I continue on as just obeying the leading of the Holy Spirit at the moment and going with the flow and blog this post.

Below are the stanzas in red that really pertain to me from the song “I Am I Said.” Believe you me, I have gone over and over again many times the words trying to figure out what the hell she saw in this song that would make her think it was me.

By the way, “horrid” had many issues herself, similar to mine. So I am sure she projected a lot of her crap and hurt on me and used me big time! I see that now. But then, I refused to see it! I did not want to believe it!

You can also click on my Playlist above the first song and hear the actual tune:

I AM... I SAID
Written by Neil Diamond

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time
And the feeling is 'lay back'
Palm trees grow, and rents are low
But you know I keep thinkin' about
Making my way back

Well I'm New York City born and raised
But nowadays, I'm lost between two shores
L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home
New York's home, but it ain't mine no more

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still

Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of bein' a king
And then became one
Well except for the names and a few other changes
I you talk about me, the story's the same one

But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried, but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

"I am," I said
To no one there
An no one heard at all
Not even the chair
"I am," I cried
"I am," said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still.

1971 Prophet Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The above is one of my favorite Bible verses. I am sure for some of you too.

To think that God has a positive plan for each one of our futures is unbelievable and hard to grasp at times. Obviously God sees things We Cannot about ourselves. Sort of like when we are in recovery, the good people that help us along, see things that we cannot. God sees our future, and people that have gone through the same or similar experiences of pain we have, know the glorious outcome to our future if we just hang on and trust.

SURVIVAL SKILLS FOR HEALING

In Part 1, along with ”Recognizing the Damage,” is the chapter on ”The Survival Skills For Healing.”

“Healing is demanding work. It disrupts your old ways of coping; brings up deep pain, fear, and grief; and requires that you make profound changes in your life. When you are in the throes of healing from child sexual abuse, it is especially important to be kind to yourself. Yet a common side effect of child sexual abuse is insensitivity to our own needs and a lack of awareness about self-care, so one of the first challenges we face in the healing process is the need to develop a new survival skill; how to nurture ourselves. “(The Courage To Heal)

The statement I am frequently confronted with is: “be gentle with myself.” Be gentle with myself when I am usually hard on myself. I can condemn myself something awful for something I had no control over. So, can I be gentle with myself when I make a mistake? Can I allow myself to be human and make a mistake and not feel bad about it? It is certainly hard. But, I am becoming more aware though when I do self-bash myself! I then try and thwart my thoughts and anger towards myself at that point and try and look at ‘me’ in a positive light that I am worthy and a Child of God.

“One way to begin is to take a gentle attitude toward the process of healing itself. Force doesn’t promote healing; it impedes it. It’s just as important to learn to relax, to laugh, to eat well, to sleep, and to enjoy everyday moments as it is to grapple with shame, to grieve, and to express outrage. You need quiet time for integration and gathering your strength. And of course, serenity is one of the goals of the healing process, a worthwhile prize in itself.

If you’re at the beginning of the healing process and your life is full of painful emotions, memories, and crises, the idea of pacing yourself, taking breaks, or healing over time may seem irrelevant. You feel terrible now and want the pain to go away. But healing from sexual abuse is not a short-term proposition. It’s a gradual process, rooted in small daily steps. You have to settle in for the long haul. You have to learn to live your life while you are healing.” (The Courage To Heal)

I like what the authors say that “force does not promote healing along.” Also, the key is to learn to live your life while you heal. My serenity part, besides meditating on God’s Word is, relaxing in the pool.

Although it may be difficult to do especially when you plainly just do not feel like it, but if you can bring relief/comfort to someone else’s needs for a moment and get your mind off of yourself and be able to connect with another person who is experiencing pain, you yourself can be uplifted from your own pain for a time being. This can be IRL, or as I see many of you via blogging, encouraging one another!

Naturally a good, skilled, compassionate “Christian” counselor is extremely important for support, encouragement, insight, ‘hope,’ and a safe environment to be the real you!

Taking small baby steps daily in my recovery is vital. One foot over the other and each day I get closer to my goal. Sure there will be days, and have been days, when I fall back and trip over my own baby steps. But, then I can brush off the dirt, regain my balance and move on again.

RECOGNIZING THE DAMAGE

****Possible Triggers****
Started to read the book Courage to Heal. There is so much that I can relate to in Part One of “Recognizing the Damage.”

Things are explained well about how sexual abuse affects different areas, i.e. intimacy, sexuality, parenting, the body, feelings, self esteem, and family relationships.

In naming a few, here are what survivors find difficult and often have trouble with dealing later on in life:

the trust factor;
fearful of people;
feeling isolated;
panicing/shutting down;
SI;
feeling dead inside;
disconnected;
hating themselves;
saying "no;"
having strained relationships with family members
and the list goes on.

There is a comforting note at the end of the chapter where it states:

“If you feel overwhelmed reading about the long-term effects of abuse, remember that you have already lived through the hardest part-the abuse itself. You have survived against formidable odds. The same abuse that undercut you has also provided you with many of the inner resources necessary for healing. One quality every survivor can be confident of having is strength. And with an understanding of what it takes to heal, that strength leads directly to determination. “

I have never thought of it that way with regards to “already living through the hardest part-the abuse itself and having the strength to be set free.”

Lately, I am connecting a tad more emotionally to the actual abuse by my brother. I get glimpses and feel sensations. Unfortunately it is not the anger part towards him, but the actual abuse itself.

POOL'S MY BEST FRIEND

What a beautiful day today was. The pool is becoming my best friend now for a stress reliever. At one point today I had it all to myself for over an hour. Peace and quiet, no one around. Being able to relax, reflect and meditate. Then shortly thereafter, I was surrounded by what seemed like 16 people, half of them screaming kids! Amazing how I can be off into a ‘sweet bliss’ then open my eyes and discover I was not alone anymore..... Oh well.....

IRRITABLE

I have not been feeling well these past few days and today I was extremely irritable. Prayers went up!

It took all I had in me to not “bark” at anyone who annoyed me at work. Totally amazing how the enemy tries to push your buttons in areas that you are struggling in. Through all of this, I am so glad there is a God that understands my nastyness at times.

RECEIVED THE BOOK, THE COURAGE TO HEAL

Received the other day the book I ordered, The Courage to Heal Book 20th Anniversary Edition of the Classic. My my my is that a thick book.

I have looked at the contents which are broken down in five parts, (Taking Stock & Taking Care; The Healing Process; Changing Patterns; For Supporters for Survivors; and Courageous Women) and snuck a peek at some of the powerful testimonies from other survivors.

The book appears to definitely have a compassionate side to it as it walks you through each step at a time and also a very rawness, right down to the bone, leaving nothing unsaid.

Naturally, I will know and understand more the process once I begin to read it. This book will give me more insight into my abuse, but my dependence will remain on my Lord for my totally healing.

Like with the Boundaries book, I will probably share some insights with you all in future posts.

RECOVERY FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

****Possible Triggers****


“Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness.” (Juanita Ryan)

This is not an easy thing to face for any of us no matter what the trauma may have been as a child. To face the pain head on as an adult now is down right scary. The passage later goes on to say that there are certain parts that we need to be aware of which are the self critical/ judgmental (where we reject and criticize ourselves) part and even the compassion (where we learn to love ourselves) part, although is very hard to accept. (I am not there) Eventually having the understanding of the compassionate part is very vital to the healing process. But the most painful part is the “wounded part” which carries most of our pain of shame, fear and despair.

Our recovery cannot be done alone. Besides good, preferably Christian counseling, God needs to be involved! Many of us have difficulty trusting God to help us. I understand that! God understands that! We may be angry at Him for letting what happened to us happen. We may look at God as our earthly father, the one who beat, raped, ignored, criticized, verbally/emotionally abused us etc. We may see God as Not a loving father. We may even believe that God is angry with us or disappointed. But, that is the furthest from the truth.

Okay after saying all this, I struggle, just like the next person. I have many doubts, many questions, many frustrations to why the “bad” happened in my childhood from being sexually abused, neglected, feeling abandoned, parents splitting, moving away from home, etc. and the after-effects of a life that was more or less snuffed out due to the damage of my past.

Besides having good people now in my life that only want the best for me in my recovery, God does comes first. There are days you would call me on that statement, and I too would question myself also. Especially when I throw my fists up in the air full of rage and look heavenward spewing curse words and scream uncontrollably “why!!!” There are days where I do not want any part of Him, and then there are days I cannot be without Him! But, I know I cannot become complete if I do not trust Him! So, through good counseling, support of others that do understand my struggles and the reassurance that there is a God that does love me (even if I do not feel or understand in full what love is) unconditionally.

I used to be really scared to get angry at God. In fact, I thought I could not get angry with God because He would not like that and I would be condemned! I am so glad now, that I am more transparent with God and that is what He desires from all of us. (Give it a try) He knows what you are thinking and gonna say before you even do it anyway, so why try and fake God out. You cannot!! So even in my rage, I am very transparent with Him and I do not feel half as bad as I used to when I would go-off on God!! I mean, He made me, so He knows what He’s getting. One thing I have noticed about myself after having one of my many “open and honest” discussions with God, is that I do not feel as much guilt about how I approached Him at times in anger. I am not gonna candy-coat my pain for God! Believe me, He can handle it!

WHAT IS GOD DOING?

“What is God doing?” When life puts you in a bind, it’s natural to focus on the negative. But God has His own agenda for the circumstances in your life.”

I saw this quote the other day and it holds so very true! Really, you can try fighting or reasoning out what God does, and still His perfect plan will be accomplished no matter what you do.

FOLLOW-UP to CAUGHT OFF GUARD

I am aware of the deep healing I will need from my past sexual abuse, but I was not going to let what happened to me yesterday get the best of me today. I so desperately needed to take in the pool again tonight, so I pushed forward despite my reservations.

Butthead was not there and if he was I was gonna ignore him. I was okay, but on guard. Normally, I am always on guard of my surroundings, but more since yesterday.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support!!

CAUGHT OFF GUARD

**** POSSIBLE TRIGGERS ****
Usually I am pretty good in avoiding or preparing myself in advance for a possible major trigger dealing with the opposite sex of a stranger engaging in conversation and taking interest. Tonight I decided to hit the pool after work to relieve some stress. Other people were there, so I was not alone. All of a sudden from behind (you never approach someone from behind who has been sexually abused) a male’s voice said something to me. Cannot recall what he said as I was startled. I remember my response was, “You are thinking about someone else.” So he probably thought I was someone he knew. My first reaction was panic as I thought he was going to attack me. I have not had that feeling in quite a while. Because as I said, I usually can scope out an environment and avoid these situations to begin with. Unfortunately, this one got past my radar. He them mumbled something again, which was a “pick-up” line of some sorts. So I did what I do best, shut-down and moved away. Unfortunately, this occurrence cut my pool time short, as I was upset and wanted to leave.

I cannot tell you the sheer terror and ready to puke feeling I get when I feel threatened. To others this incident may seem trivial and innocent. For me, it is down right terrifying!! My life has been screwed up (no pun intended) major in this area as I could not carry on any kind of intimate relationship without fear of being sexually violated and taken advantage of due to being sexually molested as a child!

Really was not too sure if I should share this, but since I said this is my blog where I would journal about my every day struggles, pains, fears whatever..... I decided to post.

PUPPET ON A STRING

Want to share with you that I stood up once again (usually a daily occurrence, but thought I would blog about this one) with my boundaries against my mother who continues to try and run my life. Even though I still feel the anger and resentment boil up in me when she continues to question me on things, especially how I look, my hair, or what I wear, I was able to say graciously “you do not need to tell me how to present myself.” Naturally, that did not go over well and more of the guilt crap came out of her mouth saying, “I only want the best for you.” NOT! She does not realize how insulting she can be!!! I mentioned that to her one time, and that was NOT a good idea as she went off on me on that!

No wonder I feel such shame. My dad was equally as bad.

Just accept freakingly who I am okay!!!!! You think you can do that???

Anyway, I was able to turn the conversation around like I normally do and get the focus off of myself in order to end our conversation amicably.

COURAGE TO HEAL

Will be receiving my copy of the book “Courage to Heal” within a few days. Do not know if I will read it right away or not. May not be ready just yet and reading is not one of my favorite past times. But, I would like to have the book on hand anyway. Will be praying ahead of time for the proper leading to approach the contents within the pages.

SLUMBERNESS

Lately I have been feeling the effects physically after experiencing intense rage. Usually feeling the muscle cramps, exhaustion and pain the following day. Today was no exception. Took a few Advil and was able to relax as best I could by the pool most of the day. Something that does not come easy for me.

The picture above depicts me perfectly. I am not one that likes to “lie” in the sun. I need to be submerged somewhat. It is amazing how the body tends to keep afloat as you drift off into semi-sleep as the rays of the sun do something to the chemicals in your brain to make you sleepy. Anyway, you will usually find me standing a-float (like the picture, eyes closed, facing the sun) while activity goes on about me. At this point, nothing disturbs me. On occasion, I either loose too much consciousness and find myself head first under water. A quick wake-me-up as I recapture my breath and reposition myself once again for slumberness.