I'M NOT TAKING THIS GUILT (Mum issues)

I am just not good at this!!

In my nightly routine phone check-in with my mum (which I am hating more and more each day!), she proceeds to tell me about her day. Apparently her car did not start this morning. So after having many people look at it from her condo (even though she has AAA but refuses to use it unless absolutely necessary. Why bother paying for a service that you will never use..... whatever) she has inexperience people give their ideas to why her car would not start. All along I am thinking it’s her battery, as she has never had it replaced since she bought the car about 4 years ago. (Good battery, I must say) Anyway, she finally broke down and called AAA after three hours. They came and towed her car to her dealer???? They did not even check if it was the battery? I have no idea what transpired there, as apparently everyone and their grandmother was surrounding my mothers car as she got what seemed her whole condo involved in this one little incident with so many opinions flying everywhere, probably the AAA guy had not a clue what to do with her car as he was hearing different stories from everyone, and just took her car?

So, she has no car and is in panic mode now!! So what else is new. She has two doctors appointments this Friday and proceeded to inform me that I would be her chauffeur for the day. Not even considering I work. Meanwhile, people from her office have and continue to offer their services to her in times like these. But she refuses to let them help her. She always has something negative to say about them and they would just aggravate her. (Like I don’t?) So being the loving daughter that I am, (yeah right) I argue with her and say, “why don’t you finally give in and take up one of their offers?” Then the yelling begins..... “What kind of daughter do I have? Oh, now I know how you feel about me.” I try and reiterate, even though I really do not want to take her on Friday, that she should let one of her co-workers take her! I then said, if it came to ‘push comes to shove,’ I would take her and drop her off and then pick her up when she was done and that I was not taking the whole day off. That set her off again. “What you have to work? Why can’t you stay with me.” I repeated again, that I would take her, drop her off, then pick her up. I am not waiting around all day for you while you are taking your tests. You would have done it alone anyway if you had your car.

Okay an hour later she calls me back saying her dealer called and that she can come and pick up her car first thing in the morning as it was just the battery!!! Then I learn from her that she last week went to get new tires put on and was told that her battery was on the way out. But, she refused to believe them. Then I am trying to explain to her that I would be around to pick her up first thing in the morning so I can get to work on time. Work on time? Like that was something foreign. It was like I should rearrange my work hours around her picking up her car. I said, no, “I will be there at such and such hour and drop you off.” Keeping in mind her dealer is about 12 miles each way from where she lives.

So, I will drive her before I go to work. So through all this, heated words were exchanged (nothing new) that could have been avoided. But then again this is the norm. Not saying that the car ride tomorrow to the dealer is not going to produce more discussion....

Now, I guess for the good part, I did not go ballistic or have a rage attack. May of been different if I ended up having to chauffeur her Friday. But, I will take my reaction tonight as a good one. I even said to myself at one point and really believed it that, “I am not taking on this guilt.”

GOD'S CHISEL

The video below is oh so very powerful.....for all of us. Our pains, our comparisions, our fears, our shame, our guilt, our hurts, our desires, our control issues, etc. are all revealed.

Please, please, please take the time to view the entire video!

It is nine minutes long. I know a lot of us, I am just as guilty, do not want to take the time to sit through something we know nothing about.....but, if you take the time (I did) to look at this video, it will be well worth it!!

I am not saying what you will see/hear here is easy, because for some of us it is not. But there is hope!! There is a God that does care and that does love each and everyone of us!

Have the tissues ready.

Thank you!!

ROBBER OF TRUTH

Fear is holding me back from saying and confronting the truth to my mum about many things.

Fear is holding me back from stepping out into other avenues the Lord is nudging me towards.

Fear is holding me back in facing some of the pain I must go through for my healing.

And the list goes on, and on, and on.......

I know without a doubt, fear is one of my biggest stumbling blocks. And I am sure without a doubt a lot of you can also relate. The devotional below is from the neat lady, Joyce Meyer on this topic.

If not all, a whole heck of a lot I can relate to below. I do hope this devotional does bless you and help you along with overcoming this robber of truth in your own life:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear) 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear robs many people of their faith.

Fear of failure, fear of man, and fear of rejection are some of the strongest fears employed by Satan to hinder us from making progress. But no matter what kind of fear the enemy sends against us, the important thing is to overcome it. When we are faced with fear, we must not give in to it. It is imperative to our victory that we determine, "I will not fear!"

The normal reaction to fear is flight. Satan wants us to run; God wants us to stand still and see His deliverance.

Because of fear, many people do not confront issues; they spend their lives running. We must learn to stand our ground and face our fear, secure in the knowledge that we are more than conquerors. (Romans 8:37.)

Fear of failure torments multitudes. We fear what people will think of us if we fail. If we step out and fail, some people may hear about it; but they quickly forget if we forget it and go on. It is better to try something and fail than to try nothing and succeed.

Approach life with boldness. The Spirit of the Lord is in you?so make up your mind not to fear.

Do This:

Face any fears you may have. Determine in your heart that fear will not rule your life. Begin to say, "I will not fear!"

UPGRADE MY OPINION OF MYSELF

My dear blogger friends.

I really hate to sound like a broken record, but my struggle with lack of self-worth continues to have a grip on my spirit big time. I know it will take awhile to get through the muck and get to a point where I can be at least comfortable with myself one day. And what a glorious day that will be too!

I was in bed most of the weekend, as I was physically exhausted and unmotivated. I know I have been through some trials these past weeks, so I am sure this has taken a toll on me.

I am trying to be positive, but it is hard. When I did have the energy to browse the internet and blog to you all, I found a promising prayer I would like to share:

Dear God,

Speak loudly to me and reveal all limiting images in my mind.

Replace them with pictures that glorify you and accurately represent my full potential.

Upgrade my opinion of myself and my vision for the future so I never feel the need to protect and preserve the past.

Show me how to be a faithful steward of my one and only opportunity to magnify the greatness you have placed within me and to show your presence in my life.

Lead me away from complacency and any temptation to settle for less than what you know is my absolute best.

How awesome it is that you know everything about me and love me anyway!

As I accept and experience your grace and mercy, help me to grasp the depth and perfection of your love as demonstrated by the sacrifice of your only Son.

Restore me this day, and make me whole and complete.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

I especially like the upgrade my opinion of myself part.

HEALING IS POSSIBLE!

This post is a post of encouragement!

For all of us who are on our journey (not necessarily from sexual abuse, but any struggles you are going through), who have good days and bad days. Have our ups and downs. Have our insides and outsides disrupted.

This is an encouragement that the healing process, although very painful at times, will be worth it in the end! I hold on to that so tightly!!!!! I hold on to the fact that my God is All Mighty and Powerful and will see me through until the end!

So.........

In the book The Courage to Heal, the two writers, Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, share how they came about doing what they do today.

The book, like the workshops, is based on the premise that everyone wants to become whole, to fulfill their potential. Ellen Bass, who had compassion on abused women had started in the late 1970's workshops. Ellen later on became a counselor and facilitated workshops for partners of survivors and offered training seminars for professionals who work with survivors. She was never sexually abused as a child. Not like her co-writer Laura Davis who came from a background of incest.

Laura recounts a early telephone conversation between the two when Laura was just beginning to deal with her abuse:

I remember calling Ellen one day a few months after I’d first remembered the incest. I counted the rings-two, three, four-she had to be home! She had to be! Five, six, seven-if I didn’t talk to her right now, I knew I couldn’t last through the afternoon. Eight, nine, ten-well, maybe she was outside folding the laundry and was just slow getting to the phone. Eleven, twelve, thirteen-I cannot stand another moment of this pain. My heart hurts and I can’t take anymore. Fourteen, fifteen...

”Hello, this is Ellen,” she said, cheery and calm. “Ellen, this is Laura. Look, you’ve got to tell me just one thing. Will I ever get through this? Is there ever an end? I can’t take it anymore, and if you’ll just tell me I can get to the other side, I’m sure I can last through the week.” I was talking fast, my sentences piling up on each other.

“Hello, Laura. I’m glad you called.” Her voice was smooth, reassuring. “And yes, you can make it. Healing is possible. You’re already well on your way.”

“Well on my way? How can you say that? I can’t sleep, and when I do, it’s all I dream about. I can’t think about anything else. Every child I see on the street reminds me of incest. I can’t make love, I can’t eat, my whole body feels like a giant piece of rubber. I’m crying all the time. My whole life is flashbacks, going to therapy, and talking about incest. Half the time I don’t even believe it happened, and the other half I’m sure it was my fault.”

“It did happen, Laura. Look at what you’re going through. Would anyone willingly choose to go through this torture? Why would you ever want to invent something this bad? You were just a little girl, Laura. He was what-seventy years old? You were a victim. You were innocent. You didn’t do anything. It wasn’t your fault.”

Over and over, Ellen repeated those simple phrases:”It wasn’t your fault. I believe you. Healing is possible. You’re going to make it. You’re going to be okay.”

I expressed every doubt I could think of. Then I made up some new ones. I knew other survivors didn’t make up this sort of thing, but I was the exception. I’d always been the exception, all my life.

“You can fight it all you want, Laura,” she said finally, “but the door’s been opened, and you’re in the healing process whether you like it or not.”

There was a long silence. Then I said, “Isn’t there any way out?”

“The only way out is through, honey; I’m sorry.”

I was quiet for a long time. “But it hurts, Ellen. It hurts so much.”

“I know, Laura. I know. But there’s a way through this stuff, and I know you’re going to find it.” (The Courage to Heal)

When I read their conversation, I cried. When I typed it here for my blog, I cried. When I proofread what I typed, I cried.

I could relate to Laura’s desperation and Ellen's compassion. And yet, she is a survivor and gives hope to many women and men out there!

Yes healing is possible!

GOD'S CLEANING HOUSE

Even though the congregation at my church last Sunday voted once again to keep my new pastor, it was inevitable that things will not be settled.....probably not for a long time. But, that is okay. God is cleaning house.

More 'well prominant' surprised resignations happened this week. (Along with a few others just walking away) I just pray these individuals who resigned truly heard from the Lord and did not go on emotions! So many rumors are flying around.

It really saddens me to see some of these people who were such a part of the church over twenty years..... go.

BATTLING and BROKEN

Been a rough few days. Feels like I have a lot on my plate these days also.

Have really been depressed and feeling hopeless. The wrestling with my thoughts, shame, unworthiness, rage issues continue and feel so heighten.

A co-worker has been diagnoised with some type of cancer and is going in this morning for a 7-10 hour exploratory surgery. We have her on a prayer wheel and have anointed her with oil and we are expecting a miracle!

Wrestling so much with "Who I Am" and "Just Trying To Be." Some days are better than others.

Then to add insult to injury, my mum continues to try and control me and her continued fears never cease to amaze me.

And the winner for this week for my mum is when she called me one evening frantic to come over and fix her plumbing. Since when did I become a plumber? All I could do was buy some duct tape and tape up the hose that was springing a leak in her washing machine. It continues to leak. So, I reminded her that I was not a plumber and for her to call one.

I broke down numerous times this week. Feel so overwhelmed, weak and broken. The brokenness is a good thing......but oh such a painful thing........ and I know there is more to come.......

Through all of the pain, God's presence is evident in my spirit. I am so grateful for that, it is the main things that keeps me alive!!!

SUCH GUILT, SUCH SHAME

Nothing was more evident in “my fear/guilt/shame” category than what I displayed this morning while praying with an “accountability” co-worker.

Even though the door was closed to where we were praying, someone just decide to come on in without knocking. My first reaction was to stop praying and have my full attention to whomever it was that came in. While my prayer partner held tightly to my hands and would not let go and continued to pray. She knows a bit about what is going on with me and has told me after this incident that I need not pull away and to feel safe, to relax, especially working in a Christian environment.

Afterwards I shared that I felt I was doing something wrong by praying, that “I was caught” or something. Such guilt! My emotions and nerves are so raw these days and I feel I am in constant uproar.....

Prayer is fine where I work.

I am comfortable with praying. I have prayed over the years in countless similiar situations where someone may walk in, but would continue to pray outloud. That is not the problem.

I guess since I have been on my journey I am more sensitive than ever for some reason and I feel I am living right on the edge and what happened today may take a while to sort out in my mind and emotions.

I hate how I take on such shame for something I did nothing wrong about. It is how I responded that is upsetting me. There is an underlying reason why I did what I did this morning.

If I need to see why I did what I did, God will usually provide an answer.......

Even though this incident this morning was an eye opener, and not only it hurt and grieved me that I felt such shame, but I feel I grieved the Holy Spirit as well.

THOUGHT WRESTLING

Doubts, doubts, doubts. Who does not have them? The devotional below shares that it is a normal process in recovery to experience wrestling with our thoughts, even a sign of courage. I know I continue to do a lot of wrestling with my thoughts. Even the Psalmist wrestled daily with his thoughts. We are not immune to this. Must remember to pray for strength during these wrestling matches.

Low self-esteem, unworthiness, shame plays such a big part as well. And you know I have been struggling much more than usual these past few days in these areas.

It is so easy for me to go into failure mode. So, I lay claim to what the ending prayer states: "Help me, Lord, not to experience this struggle as spiritual failure."

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? Psalm 13:1-2

Sometimes our spiritual distress is centered on questions about God. Where is God? Why doesn't God help? At other times our spiritual distress is centered on questions about ourselves. What is wrong with me? How come I'm still struggling this much?

Doubts about ourselves can be profoundly troubling. We wonder if our faith will survive the struggle. We wonder if our faith is strong enough. Often we feel like spiritual failures. The kind of spirituality we have been taught does not envision 'good' Christians as people who wrestle with their thoughts and are sad everyday. We think of 'good' Christians as people who trust God and manage to smile in the midst of any circumstances. When we can't manage to do this, we question and criticize ourselves.

But wrestling with our thoughts and experiencing sorrow day after day is often a part of the recovery process. It is not a sign of failure to engage in this hard work. It is a sign of courage. And it is a sign that our faith is alive and struggling. People of real faith struggle in life. People of real faith are people who wrestle with thoughts and who feel sorrow in their heart.

Lord, I get so tired of thought-wrestling.
And I am so weary of heart-sorrow.
How long, Lord?
How long does this wrestling and sorrow go on?

Help me, Lord, not to experience this struggle as spiritual failure.
Help me to see this hard work as drawing me closer to you.
Remind me today that you are with me in all of this.
Remind me today that you understand. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

Yes, our recovery process is often long and many times I feel very dry spiritually. Sometimes even thinking that God has forgotten me completely and then my problems overtake me. At these times is when I must trust that God has NOT forgotten me and I must trust that God is at work in me to walk side by side with me to help complete my journey.

LOW SELF ESTEEM

I needed to put this post up next.

I cannot tell you how much I continue to struggle with my low, low, low self esteem. Some days I feel I am doing okay, and all it takes is a look from someone or me comparing my life, my talents to someone else then I am truly crushed! So crushed, that I just do not want to go on anymore!!!! Even a fleeting thought of ending it all. Yesterday was a really crushing day for me. Very debilitating. Takes so much out of me! Naturally, when I am alone, I do not have this problem as much. Oh it is there, but nothing draws it out......except PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE!!! Ugh!

So here I am comparing “my” life and achievements to someone else and second by second I am dying inside as they share what wonderful things are going on in their life. It took all I could to keep an encouraging smile on my face for them. Once they walked away and I walked away, to my secrete hiding place at work, I broke down. Cried!!! Also cried out to my God in anquish! The pain of failure and shame (even though I know I am not to believe I am a failure) is so very prevelant!

My low self esteem is, if not, the "MOST major stronghold” of mine that is really challenging out of all the others I have. If I could get some kind of grip on this stronghold, it will be a tremendous help and make my journey sooooooooooo much easier to walk. Right now, it is a continual major painful battle!!!!

I know I should not, but I continued to get so very angry and frustrated with myself!!! As I want to be set free so badly from this stronghold!!!! At the same time, knowing I need to go through the pain and experience, but thank God I do have Him to help me, otherwise, there would be NO Way for me to go on!!

So, with this long introduction, I will let the book take the rest.....


“Self esteem is a central issue for many survivors. When children are abused, they are harmed at a core level. And one of the areas hardest hit is their developing sense of self respect and self worth. This lack of self-esteem often continues into adulthood. You may experience it as a constant feeling of worthlessness, a nagging voice that tells you that you didn’t do enough, that you didn’t do it right, or that if you die, it was a fluke-that next time, you’ll screw up. At the most basic level , you may believe that you don’t deserve anything good in your life.

Your feelings about yourself may fluctuate wildly. You may feel okay about yourself most the time, self critical feelings lying dormant until you have some kind of setback–a loss, a period of change, an argument with someone you love. Then you suddenly lose touch with the good things about yourself and fall into a pit of self-loathing and despair. The self-love you’ve nurtured so carefully evaporates like mist.

Feelings of self-hatred can erupt seemingly out of the blue. A small interaction can trigger an avalanche of self-doubt and uncertainty. You get one problem wrong on an exam and you say to yourself, “I’m a stupid idiot.” You make a well thought out decision to leave a job where you’re underpaid and treated badly, and instead of feeling proud, you’re sure no one will ever hire you again. Even though you are taking care of yourself, you somehow end up feeling wrong and defective-again

Self esteem is experienced in the moment, and your feelings about yourself will fluctuate as you move through the healing process. When you’re first facing your grief and anger or struggling with the impact of abuse on your life, you may feel worse than you felt before. Often shame, powerlessness, and self hatred are bottled up with memories of abuse, and as the memories come through, these feelings do, too.

Yet healing isn’t only about pain. It’s about learning to love yourself. As you move from feeling like a victim to being a proud survivor, you will have glimmers of hope, self respect, and satisfaction. Those are natural by products of healing.” (The Courage to Heal)

Yepper........I can relate to picking out the “one” problem I got wrong on the test and not looking at the 99 others I got right! Bam, bam, bam, I am so prone to cutting myself to pieces over that one negative outcome! Need to focus on the positive that I got the other 99 correct!!

The last paragraph says it all...... the “love” word. This is one of the hardest challenges for me. But, I know it is essential for my healing. So, I encourage anyone else who is struggling on their journey with low self-esteem (not necessarily due to having been abused sexually) to come along side with me as we grow together in loving not only our inner child but our adult selves also.

SESSION AMNESIA

Most of the time, right after a t. session while driving home, I find it difficult recalling what just took place an hour or so beforehand. Very little recollection. I have been noticing too, my drives back home that things around me appear brighter in appearance, almost blinding at times and I feel in a daze? Also, I would be waiting at a stop light, and not remembering how I ended up there. It is amazing how one’s mind can shut down and then re-start and get out of a fight or flight mode. A couple of hours later, my mind will become more clearer and I will end up remembering most things that were discussed earlier.

PTSD

We who have been abused, can relate to PTSD. Some more than others.

“When humans freeze or dissociate, we are deluged with the same hormones as animals under attack. Once the danger has passed, we can sometimes use the same natural recovery mechanisms. We can shake, move, cry, yell, and breathe deeply, processes that sometimes help eliminate the chemicals our bodies have produced, just as animals do. And when we have the support of a caring person or community, we can receive comfort, thus meeting our need for understanding and connection.

But when children are sexually abused, they are rarely in a situation with optimum conditions for recovery. Instead, silence, secrecy, and isolation are the norm. Sometimes children are prevented even from crying out. And far too often the abuse is a recurring event, without time for recovery before the next assault.

In the weeks and months after a traumatic event, trauma survivors often experience an cute stress reaction that can incorporate an array of troubling symptoms, including nightmares, flashbacks, trouble concentrating, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, and increased startle reflex, panic, depression, numbness, mental confusion, sudden explosions of rage, and alienation. The world no longer feels like a safe place.

For many people, these reactions last a few weeks or months and then gradually subside. But for others, the symptoms persist, eventually developing into post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. Survivors of child sexual abuse-especially incest-are at increased risk because they experienced many of the dynamics that make long-term PTSD more likely: the trauma (or threat of trauma) was repeated and of long duration, they were children when the abuse occurred, they experienced great helplessness and betrayal, they believed the abuse was their fault, and, most significantly, they used dissociation as a way to escape. Although dissociation is an important protection, it is a factor that is correlated with the later development of PTSD.

Post traumatic symptoms can grow stronger and become more entrenched over time. Or they can go underground and reemerge years, or even decades, later at a time of increased vulnerability-when a life event acts as a stimulus and triggers the post-traumatic reaction.” (The Courage to Heal)

ENCOURAGING TID-BITS

When pressures mount because we walk
The path of truth and right,
We can rejoice to know that we
Are pleasing in God’s sight. —D. De Haan

O Lord, help us to turn aside
From words that spring from selfish pride,
For You would have Your children one
In praise and love for Your dear Son. —D. De Haan

Lord, by Your Spirit grant that we
In word and deed may honest be;
All falsehood we would cast aside,
From You, O Lord, we cannot hide. —D. De Haan

Unanswered prayers are answered still
As part of God’s great master plan;
They help to carry out His will
To demonstrate God’s love for man. —D. De Haan

THE VOTE IS IN

Thank you all again for your prayers and support!!!! (Regarding the post below this one)

Took three and a half hours for the special meeting required by the denominational church law after dissidents turned in nearly 400 petitions calling for my pastor to be removed. The meeting was closed to the public, only members of the church were allowed to vote.

The meeting took the place of the church's regular 11 a.m. worship service. Members of the Presbyterian Church in America, based in Atlanta, ran the meeting to ensure fairness.

I am happy to report that there were 1,383 votes, 422 of them were in favor of the removal of my pastor but 940 were in favor of him remaining!

Praise the Lord is all I can say!!

Long day......but well worth it to God Be The Glory!!

PLEASE PRAY

People just will not give up!

In a way it can be a good thing, for us who have been abused and want to regain our freedom! We have purpose, we want to overcome and we want our life back!

What I am getting to, which is personally affecting me and many others locally, is that my church is going through a major struggle which WILL be resolved tomorrow with another vote from the congregation to keep our new pastor.

Still, the opposition will NOT give up their fight!! With a last ditch effort to remove him as our pastor (one more letter campaign to the congregation with untrue words was received) they continue to dishonor the man of God who was voted in the first time a few months earlier, and want him removed!

I ask for prayer for these few dissentients who are continually trying to cause an upheaval in my church that their eyes and hearts will TRULY be open to THE TRUTH!

RAINING BEHIND MY TEARS

That is how I feel at times. Crying is hard for me to come by at times, although I have been able to shed some good tears when alone and when in emotional agony. But, many times I actually feel there is a torrential rain of tears going on just behind the tears that I shed that needs to come out as well.

In time I am sure.....

COPING

“Coping is what you did to survive the trauma of being sexually abused. And it’s what you do now to help you make it through each day.

Everyone copes differently. As a young survivor, you might have run away from home or turned to alcohol or drugs. You might have become a superachiever, excelling in school and taking care of your brothers and sisters at home. You might have blocked out huge parts of your past, withdrawn into yourself, or cut off your emotions. You might have used food to numb your feelings or sex as a way to prove your worth. Or you might have buried yourself in work. With limited resources for taking care of yourself, you survived using whatever means were available. Many survivors feel ashamed of the ways they coped. You may find it difficult to admit some of the things you had to do to stay alive. It may be hard to acknowledge what it takes now for you to get up and face each day. As a child in terrible circumstances, you responded the best that you could-and you have continued to do so. The crucial thing is that you survived. It’s important to honor your resourcefulness.” (The Courage to Heal)

Withdrawing and cutting off my emotions was my means of coping. Stuffing them. Would not question the abuse; my parents divorce; moving away; my parents alcoholism and the effect it had on me while growing up, etc. I never grieved any of these. I just became sad, pissed, withdrawn and fearful. When I did act-out in my teen years, it was in hiding. Would drink alone, would throw-up alone; would smoke alone; would be promiscuous at school never letting on to my mother I even had a boyfriend(s). Creating my own fantasy la-la-land world in my mind later on in my youth in order to get some kind of a rush and pleasure. Also, the fantasy world gave me ‘control.’ I could control my own world in whatever way I wanted to make me feel good, no matter how sick my world I created was.

I have since learned in t. that my coping mechanisms of survival were okay and that I should not feel ashamed as these tools kept me going. Still working on totally believing this, but it is getting easier as I become stronger!

OKAY GOD, I'M LISTENING

Last night I went to a dinner function with a friend. There were a lot of families present with small children. You could sit anywhere, and as God would have it, He put a family of seven, five children and two parents at our table. It was inevitable. And I saw God’s humor in this, but also His seriousness. He knows I struggle with my childhood and even at the table before inquiring, I was trying to figure out the ages of the children myself. I found this to be a struggle. That is how detached I feel I am with children. I could not even picture myself being that young, besides seeing photographs of myself at that age. There was one little girl, who was three, and so innocent and carefree that caught my eye. She was my favorite that evening. I watched her intently how she played with her food, said what she wanted, giggled, loved on her parents, interacted with her siblings. Not a freaking care in the world. All in all the children were very well behaved. The parents did not raise their voices, scorn, ridicule they respected what their children had to say and acknowledged them. Quite refreshing, especially in this day and age.

Still processing that evening, as I KNOW there is something in it for me to really grab onto that God wants to share with me.

FEAR OF FEELING

“Many survivors are afraid that if they open up their feelings, they’ll suddenly go out of control:

I was terrified of my anger. I knew that if I didn’t laugh about what had happened to me, I’d go stark raving mad and kill everybody who was in my way.”

Although you may indeed be angry or very sad for a long time, those feelings don’t have to be overwhelming.

As I’ve allowed myself to feel a little at a time, I learned that the valve to feelings was neither totally open nor totally shut–totally overwhelming or totally suppressed. I could feel bad without wanting to kill myself. I could be scared without being terrified. There was a whole range of gradations. Once I stopped trying to rein my emotions in, I had more control than I thought.

When you’ve repressed feelings for a long time, it’s natural to be wary. But having strong feelings doesn’t mean that you’ll be unable to control yourself. Deep sobbing or pounding pillows furiously does not mean you’ve gone crazy. In fact, actively expressing intense feelings in a safe, structured way makes it less likely that you’ll explode. Very few murderers kill their victims after coming out of a pillow pounding session with their counselor or support group.” (The Courage to Heal)

:)

I too have been afraid I would go out of control if I “felt.” My rage that would come out of no where would frighten me. The dents in my walls from throwing objects, the numerous sunglasses I went through while driving and throwing them against the inside of the car window during an outburst of anger that another driver would trigger in me. I could go on. I know I was feeling something at the time of my outbursts. Even if it was inappropriate rage, I was still feeling something. However, I do fight the feelings many times, as I am afraid to still come face to face with the abuse right now.

I am more in a 'realization' mode these days. A step forward in my progress where I recognize some of the things I do and especially think that are just irrational. Times like these I try and take myself aside or find a hide-away and try and breathe and relax and talk and calm myself and try and reason some things out. Not always successful, as I get very antcy and boom I am off again. But, still this is something I never have done before, so I am giving myself credit for even stopping and attempting to be gentle with myself.

So, when I do get a fit of rage I keep reminding myself that it is okay! Part of the process. And is something that I must recognize has to happen for my healing.

And the biggest thing is find the courage "to let it happen."

LOST IN THE PARKING LOT!

I do not know if this is going to be for a season or what God is doing, but, I am going with the flow of the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Again, woke up with a phrase and even a place in mind this time. “Lost in the Parking Lot.” This has two parts. The first one is particularly for me and maybe for some others, and the second is up for grabs for all of us!

Part 1
When I have these phrases or words going through in my mind, I think to myself, this is silly and too ridiculous to post about. What are you all gonna think? You must think I am certainly strange and imaging things! Then I chuckle, and realize part of my healing process is “regaining what I lost.” Another important thing I lost in my childhood was my “full sense of humor.” I am learning and trying to regain going back to my old roots of enjoying my life and not taking everything so flippin’ SERIOUS!!! God does have a sense of humor. He too can enjoy his whimsical side in recent post titles such as... “Parachuting With God, “ ”Zebras,” and now “Lost In A Parking Lot.”

Believe you me, this is all new to me, as I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever had this before happen to me and I have no idea how long this will last!! I do not look for this first thing in the morning. I am just grateful I can finally pull myself out of bed and move. So, in what I feel is obedience to the Spirit I will post about I feel I am being led to.

Part 2
The place, Disney World. The parking lot! I am sure we have all been to a theme park in our lives, especially the big ones! And if we have driven, we need to remember where we park and are usually told to remember a certain landmark, have a map or aisle number. God does not need to have a landmark, map or a number for us. He knows each one of us so well, He never loses us to begin with. Many times, we get sidetracked, off the path that He has planned for us and we lose our way, but He is always waiting for our return, to gently direct us and show us, how ever many times it takes, His good intentions.

ZEBRAS

Here we go again....

This is just too funny, this is happening to me.....

I do not know what the Lord is up to, but again I wake up (these are not dreams) with an overwhelming phrase or word going through my mind. This time it is about Zebras?

Okay? Zebras? Huh? Why Zebras Lord? Closest I gotten to one was in a zoo. Interesting, beautiful creature that He has made. So, "God why Zebras?"

Then I recalled hearing one day that every single Zebra is unique in its way. No two Zebra stripes are alike! Just like us humans, no two fingerprints are alike. That blew me away when I remembered this!



Then there are Zebras that never get their stripes. Are they considered 'outcasts?' Do their parents reject them? No! They are still accepted into their family, no stripes and all. They are still considred unique. So much like God considers every single one of us.

I know it is hard for many of us to understand and believe this, as many of us grew up in such terrible abusive families, still we are unique and precious creatures in God's eyes. Even if your earthly family has rejected you, God has accepted you into His family!!

Well, now I know why I was given this topic. I hope this blessed you as it has me.

****For those of you who were waiting for the follow-up to the post from The Courage to Heal book, the post is below this one.****

A TRULY CHOSEN SEXUALITY

****POSSIBLE MAJOR TRIGGERS****
****Explicit Language****
This post is the follow-up to the previous, "Fantasies that Include Abuse," (See just below this post) and carries the same warnings. You may find this particular post very triggering, and explicit.

Please take gentle care:

“If you become aroused only by imagining (or acting out) fantasies of violence, rape, incest, or humiliation, and you want to change these linkages, it is possible to unhook the connection between pain and humiliation and sexual excitement. It is possible to overcome your conditioning and create an authentic sexuality that does not rely on images derived from your abuse or fantasies that you want to leave behind.

Making these changes, however, is difficult. It is hard to relinquish strong, ingrained behaviors that have been linked to feelings of arousal, power, and control, particularly when these behaviors have become habitual or compulsive. Reliable methods for getting turned on or having orgasms are hard to give up. To stop a persistent pattern of sexual arousal, a strong intention is essential, but wanting to stop is not enough. The only way to break your dependence on unwanted patterns of arousal is to commit to deep healing work that deals with the core wound beneath the compulsion. If you do that, over time you can alter these patterns and experience your sexuality in a new and truly chosen way.

Changing the Tapes:
Saphyre’s Story

When Saphyre started working on incest, her only way of getting turned on was through rape and sadomasochistic fantasies. After years of acting them out, she decided that she wanted to get rid of them.

I don’t believe we’re born with our sexuality that way. I knew I had to start from a place of not feeling guilty about the fantasies, in the same way that I stopped feeling guilty about the incest. They were both coming from the same place. Letting go of the guilt was really important. But I wanted to take it further than that. I wanted to stop having them.

I started masturbating more, paying attention to exactly what the core feeling was that made me come. The characters could change, the costumes could change, but what was the core feeling? It was “I’m totally overcome by passion. I’ll do anything you want.” It was the only way I knew how to deal with my passion. I couldn’t afford to take responsibility for it without being overpowered.

I kept working with those fantasies until I could really identify that feeling. The next step was learning to isolate the orgasm, the passion, the intensity, from the fantasy. I had to undo the programming. It was hard to separate the two. I didn’t have any support. I was doing this in isolation. I didn’t know what the outcome would be, and I wasn’t even sure of what I was doing, but I wasn’t about to wait till someone came along and told me what to do. I had the belief that I could change.

It helped for me to feel that I deserved to have passionate feelings, and that they didn’t have to be linked to those fantasies. I came to the point where I really understood that they weren’t my fantasies. They’d been imposed on me through the abuse. Once I separated the fantasy from the feeling, I’d consciously impose other powerful images on that feeling. And gradually, I began to be able to have orgasms without thinking about the SM, without picturing my father doing something to me. I reprogrammed myself and could have the same intensity of feeling.” (The Courage to Heal)

FANTASIES THAT INCLUDE ABUSE

****POSSIBLE MAJOR TRIGGERS****
****EXPLICIT LANGUAGE****
Before you read the following, I want to once again forewarn those who may find this particular post very triggering, besides being very explicit it deals with sadomasochists.

Typing this entry was difficult for me even though I read it ahead of time, but once it is put on "paper" there is more of a realization to it.

Please take gentle care:

“Many survivors can feel sexually aroused or have orgasms only if sex incorporates some aspect of the abuse they experienced as children. One woman could climax only if she imagined her father’s face. One could come only if she was stimulated the same way her mother had touched her clitoris when she was a child. Others have orgasms only if they imagine being bounded or raped or if they fantasize being the abuser themselves. One survivor described masturbating while reading incest literature: “For weeks on end I compulsively read about incest-If I Should Die Before I Wake in one hand and my vibrator in the other.”

Most women feel ashamed to admit they have such feelings or fantasies. A fifty-six-year-old psychotherapist, who was tortured with enemas when she was a child, explains:

I felt grossed out by my own sexuality. At times I’ve felt that my sexuality was grotesque and that it was sick and that it would land me in the hospital. When other people bring up the grosser details of their sexual abuse, I’m fascinated. Everything else just pales and I go right straight to it like a starving dog.

I have tremendous sadomasochistic fantasies which are just beginning to come out after seven and a half years of therapy. That’s because of the intense shame. I have hospital fantasies, concentration camp fantasies, slicing people’s bodies up fantasies. So naturally I had to keep my sexuality, my life energy, bottled up, because I felt so ashamed and terrified of where that stuff would take me.

When the fantasies first came up in therapy, I experienced a lot of destructive rage at myself. I wanted to kill myself. I was so horrified that those were the things that turned me on. I just wonder if that isn’t really the hard core, the pivot of this whole thing-the shame and horror and utter self -despair about being turned on by terribly abusive, sadistic situations.

If you share this woman’s experience, you are not to blame. You did not create these fantasies out of nothing. They were forced on you just as intrusively as those hands, penises, or leers were forced on you during the original abuse.

The context in which we first experience sex affects us deeply. Often there is a kind of imprinting in which all the things that are going on at the same time become woven together. So if you experienced violation, humiliation, and fear at the same time as you experienced arousal and pleasurable genital feelings, these elements twisted together, leaving you with emotional and physical legacies that link pleasure with pain, love with humiliation desire with an imbalance of power. Shame, secrecy, danger, and the forbidden feel thrilling.” (The Courage to Heal)

In the next entry, from the book, I will share the possibility of reversing these fantasies/acting out however difficult it may be.

PARACHUTING WITH GOD

I woke up this morning with the above title phrase going through my mind. I just chuckled and wondered why would I think of "Parachuting with God?" Am I suffering from the after affects of my migraine? What does this mean?

Is God showing or sharinig with me that nothing I do, He is not there with me? Through the good the bad and the ugly? Securing me that I am in His care and He is strapped right along with me wherever He leads and desires me to to go as I leap out in faith?

DOING A WORK

God is up to something!

When we have an ache in our heart, a longing.... I know personally, there is a stirring within. God is up to something. Ticks me off sometimes as...... In times like these when we cannot see what He is doing right away (and even many times He will not reveal His intentions), we need to trust, put aside the fear of not knowing as He goes with us through our recovery. Trust His work. Trust His doing. Trust that He only has the best intentions for us:

Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth. Hosea 6:3

There are days when we feel God's presence. We sense God's love. We see God's power. But we do not always feel or sense or see. There are times of silence, distance and uncertainty. There are the difficult times of waiting for God to appear. In times like this we may find ourselves both longing for God and fearing that God will come.

The longing comes because in our heart of hearts we know that there is no recovery without God's gracious presence. If God does not appear, we are stuck, bound, hopelessly entangled in dysfunction. If God does appear, it will be like the sun rising - we will be able to see the way. It will be like gentle rains which nurture us so that we can grow and thrive.

The fear comes because often we do not see God as one who comes as 'sun' and 'rain' to give life. We are afraid that when God does appear, it will be to punish us, to demand restitution from us, to shame us. Because we have served vengeful and vindictive gods, we fear that it will be the god-of-impossible-expectations who will finally appear.

We do well to follow the urging of this text to 'acknowledge God'. We need daily to examine whom we serve. When we acknowledge the god-of -impossible-expectations, then we will surely fear his appearing. But if we acknowledge the God of the Bible whose coming is to nurture and give life, then we will await God's coming like the dawn of a new day.

I acknowledge you, Lord. You are not the god of impossible-expectations. You are not the god-who-is-eager-to-punish. I know what it is like when these other gods come. They bring shame, blame and fear. I do not acknowledge them, Lord. I acknowledge you.

Come as the dawn of a new day, Lord.
Bring light into my dark days.
Come as gentle rain, Lord,
Cleanse, renew and nurture.
Come, Lord, as the dawn.
Come as the rains.
Water the parched earth of my soul. Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

WHEN YOU BREAK AN ADDICTION

“Many survivors remember their abuse once they get sober, quit drugs, or stop eating compulsively. These and other addictions can numb your feelings and block recollection of the abuse, but once you stop, the memories often surface. Anna Stevens, who was abused by her mother, explains:

At the point I decided to put down drinking, I had to start feeling. The connection to the abuse was almost immediate. And I’ve watched other people come to AA and do the same thing. They have just enough time to get through the initial shakes, and you watch them start to go through the memories. And you know what’s coming, but they don’t.” (The Courage to Heal)

PRAYER FOR PAIN

I was pretty much out of commission most of today with a migraine. Found this uplifting prayer on the internet for physical/emotional pain of any sort:

A Prayer About God's Insulation For Your Physical Pain

Most Precious Lord Jesus…
Gentle And Wonderful God…
Truly Awesome And Ever-present Holy Spirit…
Precious Lord Jesus, Wonderful Holy Spirit, Awesome God,
I love you, Lord Jesus.
This physical pain is tearing away at my heart, mind, and soul.
I can't think straight.
I can't feel any emotion except depression.
I know you are real but whatever presence you had in my heart isn't there at the moment.
Although I cannot sense your presence right now, in what little faith I have, I proclaim you as God of the universe and as my Lord and Savior.
In all the power you have, help me put a wall between the pain and what the pain tries to do to my heart, mind, and soul.
In your power of grace and love, help me put a wall between this pain and my depression.
In your power of grace and love, help me put a wall between this pain and my lack of motivation and inspiration.
In your power of grace and love, help me put a wall between this pain and my soul aching for your healing hand.
May the evil power causing my pain be forever shielded from me.
May I be able to laugh, live, and be free, even in the dark moments when this pain may try to take me down.
By your power I refuse to lose and let this pain do anything to me.
By your power I refuse to lose to this pain.
By your power I refuse to lose contact with you because of this pain.
By your power I refuse to lose and knuckle under to this pain.
By your power, love, grace, and will, help me see you, Precious Lord Jesus, Precious Father God, Precious Holy Spirit, Precious Blessed Virgin Mary, and your wonderful earthly father Joseph.
As a group, standing all around me, may all of you please place your hands upon me and infuse the healing power of your love into my heart, mind, soul, and body.
All these things I humbly pray in the name of my most Blessed Lord Jesus Christ, my Mighty God, and my Ever-present Holy Spirit upon whom I can rely.
Amen

BELIEVING IT MATTERED

****POSSIBLE MAJOR TRIGGERS****
“Sometimes women have no doubts about the actual events that took place but play down their significance. Over the years, many women showed up at Ellen’s survivor workshops afraid that their abuse wasn’t bad enough for them to be allowed to participate. They said things such as “It wasn’t incest-it was just a friend of the family” or “I was fourteen and it only happened once” or “He just showed me movies” or “It was with my sister. She was only two years older than me.”

Such statements show the gross extent to which abuse is minimized in our society.

The fact that someone else has suffered from abuse more severe than your own does not lessen your suffering. Comparisons of pain are simply not useful.

There are many ways to de-emphasize sexual abuse. A particularly offensive one is to claim that if a man didn’t force his penis into some opening of your body, you weren’t really violated. This is not true. The severity of abuse should not be defined in terms of male genitals. Violation is determined by your experience as a child-your body, your feelings, your spirit. The precise physical acts are not always the most damaging aspects of abuse. Although forcible rape is physically excruciating to a small child, many kinds of sexual abuse are not physically painful. They do not leave visible scars.

Some abuse is not even physical. Your father may have stood in the bathroom doorway, making suggestive remarks or simply leering when you entered to use the toilet. Your uncle may have walked around naked, calling attention to his penis, talking about his sexual exploits, questioning you about your body. Your tennis coach may have badgered you into telling him exactly what you did with your boyfriend. There are many ways to be violated.

There is also abuse on the psychological level. You had the feeling your mother was aware of your physical presence every minute of the day, no matter how quiet and unobtrusive you were. Your neighbor watched your changing body with an intrusive interest. Your father took you out on romantic dates and wrote you love letters.

Not is frequency of abuse what’s at issue. Betrayal takes only a minute. A father can slip his fingers into his daughter’s underpants in thirty seconds. After that the world is not the same.” (The Courage to Heal)

Besides my brother sexually abusing me, there was another boy (same age as I at the time) which I shared about in a previous post a few weeks back (where I said I told my parents about his advances, and they ‘poo-pooed’ the whole incident) who was all over me. And it was only a one time meeting. But it had an affect on me to this day!! This is when my family and I went to visit my uncle and the boy, his nephew, was visiting him. We were both at the stage of puberty. So, the second to last paragraph above referring to the neighbor watching your changing body, once again jarred this memory. Like it was yesterday, I can remember this kid making comments about my breasts and then he would pounce on me. All the while I fought him off. He followed me everywhere that night making suggestions and lewd comments. When I was a bit older and was in junior high school and the few boys that were interested in me (usually for one thing), to some degree I let them have their way with me as, (1) I thought it was normal to do this; and (2) someone was paying attention to me. All the while, feeling very uncomfortable and scared!

HOPE IN THE JOURNEY

This has truly touched me.

Taken from the website Hope in the Journey, I felt led to post this now:

There are off-road adventures and well worn trails. There are amazing sights and terrible storms. Our paths lead through beauty and struggle, growth and loss, self discovery and God discovery.

Press on through the storms and the struggles; you will one day see amazing sights. No matter how dark it seems now, you will one day discover the beauty of your unique journey. In all the difficulties and adventures have hope, you are becoming the person you were always meant to be!
(Joe & Rene)

No matter what you are personally going through, God is right there with you and with whom, situation, event, experience you may be lifting up to Him at the moment!

WHAT REMEMBERING IS LIKE

****POSSIBLE TRIGGERS****
“Remembering is different for every survivor. You may have numerous memories. Or you may have just one. You might have new images every day for weeks. Or you may experience your memories in clumps-several in a matter of days, then none for months. Sometimes survivors remember one abuser or a specific kind of abuse, only to remember, years later, another abuser or a different form of abuse.

Remembering sexual abuse or any traumatic event is not like remembering ordinary, nonthreatening experiences. When traumatic memories return, they sometimes seem distant, like something you’re observing from far away:

The actual rape memories for me are like from the end of a tunnel. That’s because I literally left my body at the scene. So I remember it from that perspective-there’s some physical distance between me and what’s going on. Those memories aren’t as sharp in focus. It’s like they happened in another dimension.

One woman said that her memories felt like a picture that gradually filled in:

When I had my first flashback, I remembered the sensation of being molested and I got a very clear image of the room. In fact, as the memory came back, I got more and more details of things in the room-there was a window here, and a dresser there, and always a person size hole in the picture where my uncle should have been. He wasn’t in the picture. I kind of started with the margins of the memory and then worked my way in.

Other times, memories come in bits and pieces.

I’d be driving home from my therapist’s office, and I’d start having flashes of things-just segments, like bloody sheets, or taking a bath, or throwing away my nightgown. For a long time, I remembered all the things around being raped, but not the rape itself.

If memories come to you in fragments, you may find it hard to place them in chronological order. You may not know exactly when the abuse began, how old you were, or when it stopped. The process of understanding the fragments can be like putting together a jigsaw puzzle or being a detective.

Part of me felt like I was on the trail of a murder mystery, and I was going to solve it. I really enjoyed following all the clues. “Okay, I was looking at the clock. It was mid-afternoon. Why was it mid-afternoon? Where could my mother have been? Oh, I bet she was at...” Tracing down the clues to find out exactly what happened was actually fun.

Ella, is a survivor who remembered piece-meal. To make sense of her memories, she began to examine some of her own strange habits. She started to analyze certain compulsive behaviors, such as staring at the light fixture whenever she was having sex:

I’d be making love and would think, “Why would somebody lie here, when they’re supposed to be having a pleasurable experience, and concentrate on a light fixture?” I remember every single lighting fixture in every single house we ever lived in! Why have I always been so obsessed with light under doors, and the interruption of light? That’s a crazy thing for an adult woman to be obsessive about-that someone walks past and cracks the light. What’s that about?

Ella realized that she was watching to see if her father’s footsteps stopped outside her door at night. If they did, that meant he’d come in and molest her. Once Ella started to pay attention to these kinds of details, her memories began to fall into place.

Even though everything you remember may not be a literal representation of what happened, there is always an essential emotional truth to memory that can help us understand our experience.” (The Courage to Heal)

Powerful stuff!

The section on “memories coming in bits and pieces,” is relatable. There would be times after a t. session, while driving home, I would remember more to what I shared just a few minutes beforehand. A lot of the time I would get on my case and say, “now why could not I remember this while in t?”

The section in brown/red above is me. As it is hard for me to chronologically remember which incident took place first and which, if at all, any strung together as one in the same day? I certainly do have vivid remembrance of at least three incidents with my brother. I am pretty sure that two were at different times. Also, am sure there were other times in-between the three, but just cannot recall.

I do not recall how old I was when my brother started sexually abusing me, and I cannot honestly say how old I was when he stopped.

GRIEF

I felt led to post this article that I found on the internet about grief. This is rather lengthy, and something I normally would not post except this is not of my doing but the Holy Spirit’s. Some of you may be blessed, others may question:

Grief is something all of us experience at one time or another. The loss of a parent, a child, a spouse or a friend can devastate us. In our loss, it's often difficult to find comfort or understanding. What comfort can we get from the Bible? What does God promise us?

In Jesus, we have a comforter who understands what it is like to live in a human body and suffer the pain of human loss. “ For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16 NAS)

When Jesus lost His friend Lazarus, he wept. “Jesus wept. Then said the Jews, Behold how He loved him!” (John 11:35-36) Heartbreak and sorrow are not a mystery to our Lord. He knows them and has sympathy for our losses. But sympathy is little comfort to the woman that has to endure without her husband.

There is little physical or emotional comfort from grief. Part of living is surviving the death of a loved one. No matter how we try we can’t get around the aching, the pining and the loneliness. We also experience anger, both at God and the one who has left us. Depression, anxiety, and guilt are common feelings for those in grief.

During these times, it would be so easy to pull away from God and blame Him for the pain we feel. His shoulders are big enough for our anger so rail away at Him if it helps for a bit. But take the time to reflect on the comfort He offers us, too. We will be reunited:

“ For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, and remain until the coming of the Lord, shall not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God; and the dead in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and thus we shall always be with the Lord. “ (1 Thessalonians 4:14-17 NAS)

Share your tears with God. Sometimes, the tears of grief are really a prayer, even when there are no words. Tears help wash away some of the grief. It feels like there is a bottomless well of tears, especially when our grief is fresh. As you cry, reflect on what John says in Revelation 21:4, “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (KJV)

Tears will come when you least expect them. Those things that you imagine will be painful aren’t so much and things you don’t expect to be painful will hurt miserably. It’s natural to start isolating yourself a little or even a lot so as not to have to deal with public displays of grief. You may even find that after a week or two, no one much wants to hear about your grief except those who grieve with you or have experienced a similar kind of grief. The loneliness of grief starts to compound. Yet there is One there for you. One who has promised never to leave your or forsake you. That One is God and He is ready to hear you. “Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.” (1 Peter 5:7 KJV)

Your tears are so precious to God in fact that He records each one of them and stores them. ”You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in Your book. “ (Psalm 56:8 NLT) He so wants to help you through this and carry the burden for you. Jesus says, “Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 KJV)

Grief often brings guilt along with it. All kinds of “if only” statements will pop up. If only I had made him go to the doctor, if only I had been driving, if only I didn’t let her go out that night. I know the pain of these “if only” darts. My beloved died of a heart attack despite my efforts at CPR. There is no fruit on the ‘if only’ tree, only despair. Be prepared to fight off these arrows with the truth, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 KJV)

Yes, I do know that it seems like no good can come from your loss. And, it will probably not feel like it for a long time. Eventually, you will see how God allows you to use your pain to ease someone else’s burden. And this seems like poor payment for your loss. It surely is. For you. But not for the person that you are able to help. If you look around you, you will see people in your life who have suffered a loss ready and willing to help you through your loss. This is what God promises. “All praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ . He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NLT)

The awful truth is that nothing will make your grief go away and it may go on for a very long time. The comforting truth is that God is there to help you and sustain you through it. Reach out and take His hand. Let Him hold you and carry you through this. “Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.” (James 4:8a KJV)

(Author unknown)

You know, after reading this a few times, it occurred to me that a lot of us (I am in the process myself) have not really grieved for our own losses. Not necessarily for a loved one, but for the abuse, neglect, emotional/physical hurts we endured. The above can certainly relate to any of our situations.

It is never too late to grieve.

HEALTHY INTIMACY

I can certainly identify with the following:

“Many survivors run into particular problems with intimacy when they are romantically or sexually involved. Physical closeness may be threatening or confusing to you. You may not know how to give or receive nurturing. You may sabotage relationships or repeatedly find yourself in relationships where your basic needs are not being met.

These may seem like insurmountable problems, but it is possible to teach yourself the necessary skills to have real love in your life. The capacity for intimacy lives inside you. As a child, you started out with a healthy desire to trust and to be close, but it was stolen from you.

Healing is the process of getting it back.” (The Courage to Heal)

I do know I sabotaged a few relationships in my life. Leaving the guys shaking their heads wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I too wondered. I even turned down two marriage proposals. (Usually happened around the third or fourth date. A healthy dose of testosterone I believe was the culprit for these guys) At least I had some sense I was not “marriage material.” There was no way I was ready to commit to anything or anyone. I did not know how to. Nothing felt comfortable. I was not comfortable. Intimacy was not comfortable. I was just going through the motions. No all gooey feelings, no excitement, just fear. Usually after the third or fourth date, I would bolt without an explanation. Did not return phone calls or answer the door in hopes the guy would get the message “I was not interested.” They finally did. Then I blamed myself that I was a failure and there was someting substantially wrong with me!

WHEN I AM WEAK, HE IS STRONG

My body these past few weeks continues to suffer from exhaustion and pain. During these times it is very hard to motivate myself to do anything, especially the things that are routine and each day is a constant struggle to “just be.” Some days I succeed more than others now.

The devotional below shines a light on how the Spirit helps us in our times of weakness, not just physically, but spiritually. I find when I am exhausted in body, my whole spiritual being is affected also. It is comforting to know that God does not frown upon my weakness and that He is right there with me during these times, especially when I do not even have the strength to cry out to Him:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself prays for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

When we are alone, when our private terrors have left us without the ability to speak, when even the simplest of prayers ["Help!"] is more that our weary hearts can muster - those are the times we need God's Spirit most of all.

It is life itself to know that God pays attention to us. The Spirit of the Living God is with us and is attentive to our weakness. God does not shame us for our weakness. Our weakness is not a bad thing to God. Our weakness is simply a reality. The Spirit's response to our weakness is to help us. God is on our side. The Spirit knows us and loves us. God knows the pain that crushes us. God helps us in our weakness.

In those moments when we have been silenced by life, the Spirit prays for us. The Spirit prays with groans for which there is no language. When we are not able to pray we can find comfort and hope in the promise that the Spirit is praying for us.

Oh God I need to be reminded when I feel so absolutely alone that you know my pain, you know my weakness.

When I come to the end of words, when my mind is full of confusion, help me to remember that you pray for me.

When I am overwhelmed with despair, when I want to give up, when I want to run away in fear, it is only your presence, gentle, powerful Friend, that gives me hope and strength.

I need your help today. I need you to pray for me.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

FLASHBACKS

****POSSIBLE MAJOR TRIGGERS****
“Memories that were split off at the time of the abuse sometimes break through later in intrusive, overwhelming images, fragments, or feelings. Even though we may not be able to understand or tell the story of our abuse, we may be bombarded by feelings, body sensations, and visual images of terrifying scenes.

These intrusive memories, or flashbacks, can be so vivid that you feel as though the original experience is happening again now, rather than just being remembered. Flashbacks may be accompanied by the feelings you experienced at the time, or they may be stark and detached, like watching a movie about somebody else’s life.

Frequently flashbacks are visual: “I saw this penis coming toward me,” or “I couldn’t see my mother’s face, just the yellow nightgown she always wore.” These memories can be very dramatic:

My husband was just beginning to initiate some lovemaking. I had a flash in my mind. The closest way I can describe it is that it was much like viewing slides in a slide show, when the slide goes by too fast, but slow enough to give you some part of the image. It was someone jamming his fingers up my vagina. It was very vivid, and enough of the feelings came sneaking in that I knew it wasn’t a fantasy. There was an element of it that made me stop and take notice. I lay there and let it replay a couple of times.

I felt confused. I was aware that it was something that had happened to me. I even had a recollection of the pain. I scrambled around my mind for an explanation. ‘Was that a rough lover I had?’ Immediately I knew that wasn’t the case. So I went back into the flash again. Each time I went back, I tried to open it up to see a little more. I didn’t see his face, but I could sense an essence of my father.

But not everyone has visual recall. One woman was upset that she couldn’t get any images. Her father had held her at knife point in the car, face down in the dark, and raped her. She had never seen anything. But she had heard him. And when she began to write the scene in Spanish, her native language, it all came back to her-his threats, his brutality, his violation.

Flashback can involve any of the senses. What you heard, saw, smelled, tasted, felt, or thought can return with such immediacy that you feel as if you are actually reliving the original experience." (The Courage to Heal)

When I know something is wrong or amiss is when I would have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory backing it up some of the time.

When I am able to share what I can in t. about my abuse, it is like I am experiencing the past right in the present. This is when the feelings/sensations rise up in me as a child and my adult self goes else where and I feel I am not protected and that is when the fear comes in and takes over. I usually am not able to speak as much during this time. A lot of head nods, grunts and hiding behind my clenched hand to my mouth.

SOBBING WITH THE TOILET

I was watching Joyce Meyer (Christian speaker who was sexually abused by her father) this morning where she was sharing what she used to do when she would feel deeply hurt, offended, ignored, not the center of attention, especially from her husband.

Joyce would go to the furthest part of her house, which was the bathroom. Go inside, lock the door, sit on the floor and hug the toilet while she sobbed deeply to the Lord her pain!

Oh how so many of us can relate!

POSITIVE FEELINGS CAN BE SCARY TOO

Even though this book mainly deals with women survivors of child sexual abuse, individuals who were not sexually abused, but brought up in an environment of neglect, verbal, physical abuse etc. can also relate to what is written here. Below, I am sure is something within these pages you can see in yourself.

There is one line, which is in "bold," that blew me away after reading it that the author’s used, as the exact words perfectly described what went on with me.

“Over time, as you heal, your positive feelings will increase. Happiness, excitement, satisfaction, love, security, and hope will appear more frequently. Although these are “good” feelings, you may not be comfortable with them at first.

For many survivors, positive feelings are scary. As a child, happiness often signaled a disaster about to occur. If you were playing with your friends when your brother called you over and molested you, if you were sleeping peacefully when your mother abused you, if you were having Sunday dinner at your grandparents’ when you were taken by surprise and humiliated, you learned that happiness was not to be trusted. Or if you pretended to be happy when you were suffering inside, happiness may feel like a sham to you still.

Even the idea that you might, someday, feel good can be threatening. One woman said she dared not hope. As a child she hoped day after day that her father might come home cheerful, might be nice to her, might stop abusing her. And day after day, she was disappointed. Finally, out of self-preservation, she gave up hope.

Sometimes peace and contentment are the most disconcerting feelings of all. Calm may be so totally unfamiliar that you don’t know how to relax and enjoy it. Unexpected good feelings can be hard to come to terms with:

I’d been unhappy all my life. When I remembered the incest, I finally knew why, but I was still unhappy. Healing was terrifying and painful experience and my life was as full of struggle and heartache as it had always been. Several years after I started therapy, I began to feel happy. I was stunned. I hadn’t realized that the point of all this work on myself was to feel good. I thought it was just one more struggle in a long line of struggles. It took a while before I got used to the idea that my life had changed, that I felt happy, that I was actually content.” (The Courage to Heal)

I too have often wondered how I would handle positive feelings. I know it will take time, as this is one area that was not always prevalent in my life. I can so relate to what the author shared that healing can be terrifying and painful. That is a given. The times I can truly remember being happy is when I was a kid playing with my friends. My brother was four years older than I and he had his own set of friends so we really did not have interaction between us when it came to “fun.” Unfortunately one interaction we did have between us was the bad kind.

At the same time I also lived a life of fear growing up. As most of you know in my writings that my mother is a fearful woman. I would succumbed so easily to her fears that I am just now realizing what a fearful based woman she really is and I want NO part of this anymore! Still she tries every time I speak with her on the phone or see her filling my head with some kind of fear, dread and doom. Sometimes I wonder if she even thinks she does this. I think it is so ingrained in her now that it is a part of her.

THE WORRIED 'ELECTRIC BILL' MUM

These stories I share about my mum are true. My mum continues to let fear be her god. Even though she believes in God, many things she continues to be irrational about.

This week, without fail, there were a few irrational incidents from my “worried mother” that she tried to get me to come along with her in fear.

I am not deliberately making light of my mother's irrational fears. I recognize now these fears she has have controlled her all her life and I unfortunately was brought up on them also.

Again, not to make light of her fears, but, some of the things she says now are just too funny and ridiculous.

From this past week of "irrational fears," I chose to share this one frantic topic of hers that keeps on reoccurring, “the electric bill.”

Yes, we all know that the electric company is raising the rates. Okay we understand that. The rate hike will be reflected in your bill. Well, my mum cannot understand why her electric bill has jumped so high. We rehash this issue over and over again, me reiterating that her bill, my bill, everyone’s bill is higher! Now comes the fun part......

Mum says, and has said to me in the past, “you need to unplug everything in your home.” I told her I would not do this. I am not worried about a few dollars and it is futile as a lot of electrical items do not use up that much juice. Then she goes off on me and hints for me to come over and “we” would go over what needs to be unplugged in her apartment. I said, ‘no.’ We have been down this road so many times before. “Turn the lights off, turn up the a/c, you do not need me to do this." I told her, "if you want to unplug something, pull it out of the socket, you do not need me to do this." "You do not have anything in your apartment that uses so much electric to unplug anyway." She insists she does. So, at this point I let it be. Let her worry. Not me!

This post may seem trivial to you, but if you heard the intensity of the fear in my mum's voice when she tells me these things, you would know 'there is something wrong here," which I am so grateful now to be able to see this, and have a choice to not be dragged into the fears!

FROM SELF INJURY to SELF CARE

****POSSIBLE MAJOR TRIGGERS****
Even though I do not suffer from SI, I know a few of my blogger friends do, so I want to share this portion of the book with you in hopes for your recovery in this area:

“Many survivors have hurt themselves physically-carving into their bodies with knives, burning themselves with cigarettes, or repeatedly harming themselves. It is natural that survivors struggle with self-injury. As children they were indoctrinated to abuse, and now they continue the pattern themselves, never having known other choices.

Self-injury provides an intense feeling of relief and release. It is also an attempt at control, a type of punishment, a means of expressing anger, and a way to re-create the abusive situation, producing a familiar result.

One woman suffered from severe nighttime attacks of terror and vaginal pain. When she could stand it no longer, she would insert objects into her vagina, causing herself pain. Immediately afterward, she would feel relief and fall asleep.

At first glance this might seem incomprehensible, but like other coping mechanisms, it had its own intrinsic logic. When this woman was a child, she went to bed every night terrified that this would be one of the nights when her father would abuse her. She would lie sleepless until he did come in-and torture her by putting objects in her vagina or by burning her. Only after he had left could she sleep, knowing that her agony was over for that night.

This woman had no explanation for her actions. She only knew that after the pain came relief and sleep, states of being she was able to achieve no other way. Once she began to understand the connection to her childhood abuse, she took the first steps in stopping this self-destructive compulsion.

Self-injury is not always obvious. One survivor hid it under the guise of accidents.

Self-injury can be a source of great shame and humiliation, but it is important to talk about it because, like child abuse, it grows worse in a climate of secrecy.

To stop harming yourself you need to get help. A skilled counselor can provide essential support. It’s no longer necessary to hurt yourself. You deserve kindness both from others and from yourself:

To keep from cutting myself, I write affirmations. I do it right on my wrist. I’ll write things like, “I love myself,” “I will not hurt myself,” “I am good,” “It’s okay to be in pain. It’s okay to say it.” There was a while I’d change it every day. And then I tell people about what I want to do, I tell my group members. I tell my therapist.

One survivor went so far as to write loving messages all over her body. As a child she had carved “help” into her arm. Now, wanting to make peace with her body, she gently wrote love notes to all her body parts.

Once you decide that hurting yourself is no longer an option, you need to find healthier ways to gain that feeling of release. Stopping a pattern of self-injury requires that you express feelings directly in a safe way. If you are angry, refocus your anger where it belongs-at the person or people who abused you. If you hurt yourself when you’re scared, practice responding to feelings of fear in a different way.” (The Courage to Heal)

DON'T GIVE UP!

The little guy in this picture ready to become a meal represents the struggle "to not to give up." When I saw this picture, I see so much how that gekko wants to survive another day. I know recovery can certainly be hard on many of us that all we are trying to do is survive another day.

This past week has really been rough for me and so many times I just wanted to give up! Exhaustion gets the better of me it seems and I feel defenseless. I ache in every conceivable part of my body for months now. Hard for me to even pray to God during these time as I am so emtionally and physically drained. Some times I wonder if I can go on. I am just so tired of having to go through the process of healing.

Then after a few days I regain some of my stamina and continue on my journey.

TRUSTING YOURSELF and THE INNER VOICE

****POSSIBLE TRIGGERS****
****Explicit Language****
This post has two parts, as I wanted to supply the authors advice for help.

Trusting Yourself

“When children are abused, it’s threatening for them to trust their own perceptions. It was unbearable to acknowledge that the neighbor who pushed you on the swings and gave you birthday presents also made you touch his penis. It was too terrifying to admit that your mother, who went to work to support you and stayed up late to make you a dollhouse, had a scary smile on her face when she touched your genitals. So you pretended they weren’t doing these things or that these things were really all right. The lengths to which children go to distort their perceptions are striking.

When my father would come into my room at night, I would think, “That’s not my father. That’s an alien being.” I’d look at these people doing these things to me and think, “Invaders have taken over their bodies.” And these invaders were doing things to me. The original was still out there somewhere and why wouldn’t they come back? I’d think, “Daddy, why did you let those aliens take your body over?”

If the significant adults in your life told you that your experiences didn’t really happen, or that they happened in ways radically different from how you perceived them, you probably became confused and distressed, unsure what was real.

A father can stroke his daughter’s breast and explain it away by saying, “I’m just tucking you in.” A daughter can tell her mother that her stepfather touched her in a funny way. The mother can respond, “Oh honey, that was just a dream.”

It can also be terrifying to trust your inner voice if you’re afraid of what it will tell you. One survivor explained: “My greatest fear is that if I listen to my insides, I will become crazy like my mom. She’s often said to me, “You have the same kind of powers I do.” So the message is if I listen to my insides, I will really become off the wall. If I listen to my inner voice, I will drift into my own inner world, which is really crazy.” (The Courage to Heal)



The Inner Voice

“Within all of us, there is a wise, authentic inner voice that can tell us how we feel. If it’s been covered over or if you don’t have much practice listening to that voice, it may be very small, just a pipsqueak. Yet it is there. And the more you listen and act on it, the stronger and clearer that voice will grow.

Everyone experiences her inner voice differently. You may have bad dreams. You may get headaches. You may become exhausted. You may have a sudden urge to binge on cookies. Or you may notice you’ve cleaned the house twice in two days. The important thing is not what you experience but that you recognize it as a message.

Ellen discovered a few years ago that every time she was about to make a poor decision for herself, she’d get a tight, anxious feeling in her stomach:

Looking back, I could see that that simple physical warning had been there throughout my life, but I’d never before given it a hearing. I’d never stopped and said, hey, what is this squeamish feeling in my stomach telling me? Once I began to listen and to respect this feeling, I began making much better decisions for myself. Now, whenever I feel it, I stop what I’m doing and take a minute to trace where the feeling originated. This information has been immensely valuable.” (The Courage to Heal)

As I journey on through my way to freedom, some things are becoming more clearer and sensitive to my spirit. Where I can “check” now what I am sensing is authentic and not doubt as much to what I am feeling or experiencing.

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

The devotional arrived in my email this morning and is so timely:

If I go to the heavens, you are there; If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. Psalm 139:8

Sometimes life is hell. That's how it feels. It feels like we have taken up residence in hell. Sometimes the darkness overwhelms us. Sometimes we hurt so much that we can't imagine experiencing joy or peace ever again. Sometimes we seem to have 'made our bed ' in a place that God has deserted, a place from which God has turned away.

But the psalmist says 'even if I make my bed in the depths, you are there'. There are no genuinely God-forsaken places on our journey. There are no places unfamiliar to God. It is a difficult and painful journey, but our lines of support are not stretched thin. God is not at a distance. God is with us.

If God is with us, we can travel through those dark times in recovery, those times in hell. If God is with us, we can hold on through the difficult emotional and spiritual roller coaster of recovery.

No matter where I am, Lord you are with me.
If I am up, today. You are here.
If I am down. You are here.
If I am very, very down. You are still here.
If I am very, very, very, very, very down. You are here.
Thank you.
Even in the terrible times when I am in the depths, you are there with me.
Your presence is a ray of hope in the dark times of my recovery.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

DEEP PAIN

Today was a struggle for me in trying to share in t. the level of my pain and sadness which has been with me for however long I can remember. The pain is with me when I rise and only quiets when I am asleep. Over the years it has become a part of me, melting into my very being. Inasmuch as I am trying to deal with “my issues," the pain of sadness has become more like a sore that just never heals. Before I was able to cover it up with humor, denial and co-dependent relationships.

Since therapy, I have seen great improvements in many areas in my life. Still there are some deep struggles that need dealing with.

No matter how much I try and share the level of sadness with ‘choice’ others, I still become frustrated, and shameful (like how dare I struggle with these feelings) as I do not feel I get my point across clearly and I just feel no one understands the ferocity of my emotional pain. The depths of my emotional pain, the hurts, the aches and pains in my body, the irrational fears, the longings, the desires, the shame, etc., I feel only God can grasp the fullness of! I do know that He uses others to help us along and point things out on our journey, but the intensity of the deep woundedness only He can fully understand and heal.

I know I need to accept "where I am right now" that it is okay to feel this way! That I am allowed to just be. That I need not feel like I am a failure.

Just by me knowing I need to do this and blog about it is a step in the right direction.

I really do not want this post to be a “please don’t bash yourself JBR,” as I do know better.

But, I do not know any other way of putting it, except.....

I am hurting!!!!