SPIRIT OF PEACE

This devotional is SO ME!

Most of my life I have attempted to be three steps ahead of potential problems/situations. Always trying to avoid an incident which could in turn emotionally/physically hurt me. I would try and predict the worst case scenario. Then try and have the right answer or solution way ahead of time. Anticipate the next move. Plan my strategy.

All this needless planning has taken its toll on me over the years. My mind would at times be fried with worry trying to figure out the next move in order to protect myself. In many cases my strategy paid off. Not without sheer brain exhaustion though.

I have a strong will in protecting myself. But, I am learning and understanding more that there is a simpler way, and it does not include me ‘first.’

Joyce shares below, if we let the Holy Spirit direct our paths, life would be so much easier for us.

I really need to heed the words written below.

I hope you will be blessed by this devotional as I have:

But when they deliver you up, do not be anxious about how or what you are to speak; for what you are to say will be given you in that very hour and moment, for it is not you who are speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.
— Matthew 10:19-20

Do you realize how much peace can be ours if we will just stop trying to figure out in advance everything we need to say and do in every situation we face in life? If you are like me, you wear yourself out trying to prepare yourself for every situation you are likely to run into in the future. You try to plan and rehearse every word you are going to speak in every interview and conversation. Jesus is telling us here that we don't have to do that. He is telling us to trust all that to the Holy Spirit Who will guide us and direct us.

When we do have to make hard decisions or solve complicated problems or confront difficult people, the Holy Spirit will decide the proper time and the best approach. He will give us the right words to say. Until then, we don't need to bother ourselves with it. If we will listen to what the Lord is telling us here in this passage, not only will we have more peace, but we will also enjoy more success. Because when we do have to speak, what comes out of our mouth will be spiritual wisdom from God and not something that we have come up with out of our own carnal mind.

From the book New Day, New You: 365 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2007 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

TELL YOUR STORY

There are many ways to tell your story.

Besides sharing my story with my t. and a couple close people, blogging is my biggest outlet to share also! Never in my wildest dreams did I think blogging would be so beneficial!

“Some abuse happened at a time before you had the language for what was happening or was so traumatic that your brain stored the experience in images and physical sensations rather than in words. As a result, you may have no words with which to capture your experience. You may not be able to relate your story as an uninterrupted narrative with a beginning, middle, and end. In this case, you may find it more effective to tell your story through dance, movement, drawing, writing, or other creative forms, where you can communicate using imagery, metaphors, and symbolic language.” (The Courage to Heal)


Above is where I actually blog from. Many days and nights I would cry at the keyboard as I would type a post of mine or read someone else's pain.

THE CALM

I have been off from work these past few days. Originally I was just going to take Wednesday and Thursday, but took Friday off as well because.......

I am calm.

Something I have not been in awhile. I craved this. My body has craved this for a long while now. Why, well, because I am not exposed to the real world.

I do not feel the need to pressure myself to perform to gain acceptance, or worry about anything. I am so comfortable in my 'own world' (but at the same time detesting the isolation), I hate to return to the real world in a few days.

All the while confirming that I still I have a-ways to go with my recovery.

God still has been very present in my time off! We have had some really good days! Worshipping in the Spirit full blast! Having a BigMac together. And at the same time He gently reminding me about the freedom that awaits me!

From time to time I have been given glimpses of how freeing my life could be. No more dreading the real world, no more people pleasing, no more shame and guilt, no more worrying or having a schedule or time table, no more anything!!

I look forward to the day that the 'calm' I have been experiencing these past few days in isolation, will become the norm one day in the real world also!

That then will be freedom!!

HUGGING

Hugging is healthy and is all natural!

Although many of us who have been abused sexually and physically it can be hard to accept or trust a hug. Although, I do love receiving hugs from people I trust, I find myself cautious when it comes to the opposite sex.

Studies have shown that hugs increase the "bonding" hormone oxytocin and decrease the risk of heart disease. Also, hugs lower blood pressure and helps reduce stress. Hugging can be a positive emotion for your health.

So, if possible seek out people that you trust and who will welcome your hug and visa versa!

I think it would have been neat to have lived during the time that Jesus was on earth. I would of LOVED to have received His hugs!!!!!! To be in His embrace!!!! His hugs were probably so unbelievably AWESOME!!!

I tell you one thing, in glory, I look forward to the 'endless time' where I will be in the arms of my Savior!!!!!

YADA

Was watching Beth Moore this morning on Life Today. She was speaking about the intimacy with God that we could have and describing this in Hebrew as the word “Yada.” Not the ‘yada yada’ we flippantly throw around when describing an on-going conversation or what not. No, this “Yada” pertains to mans existence and to get to know God personally:

Yada’ means: "to know in a relational sense." Yahweh is God’s personal name. It conveys "I Am" and "I Exist." Therefore, Yada Yahweh is an invitation "to know Yahweh" and "to understand our existence." A thorough investigation of the evidence pertaining to man’s existence and to the knowledge of God leads to an inescapable conclusion: the Scripture Yahuweh inspired remains the world’s only rational candidate for divine writ.

Beth went on to say how God searches us out for the sake of intimacy. How He finds us very interesting and intriguing. He already knows what is going on deep inside of us. Still, He continually searches us out. God chases after us. God knows what we are capable of. God will say continually you are more capable than this. It is His goal to come forth and show us the person we can become. "We can do all things through Christ who strengthen us." (Philippians 4:13)

ANTSY

I think I broke a record today with typing a post, publishing it, then a half hour or so later, deleting it. I did this three times. First post was on addiction then on stubbornness then back again on addiction, now antsy.

My previous record was two in one day starting, publishing then deleting. So, I apologize for any of you who clicked on what you thought was going to be a new post and ended up with the following:

Page not found
Sorry, the page you were looking for in the blog JUST BE REAL does not exist.

But have no fear, JBR is here!! Nah, I plan on keeping this one up for a bit. (***JBR grins***)

My antsyness, flitting here, flitting there, everywhere a flit flit, even carries over to my blog sometimes.

My spirit was very restless today and I did not feel at ease with what I posted earlier three times.

Having t. tonight sorted out a few things which helped me to calm down, focus more and to progress in my journey to freedom!

WISHED I USED A MEANS

I am reading a couple of excellent true autobiographies on incest and sexual abuse from fellow bloggers Colleen Spiro and Erin Merryn.

Not that I am trying to compare, but what I have noticed, just by reading these books and reading a lot of others blogs, are the details in some of you remembering your abuse. Even though you may have dissociated, you still have enough information to remember incidents.

Here is where I am trying not to compare my abuse with any others. True we all had different methods of coping with our trauma.

As a teenager, I never wrote about my pain. That would have been the perfect time to do the writing, as that is where everything fell apart and was the most painful for me. This is where I self taught myself to play guitar and began writing my own songs. But, never did I write about any of my pain. All surface crap. The only way I knew how to express my pain of rage and hurt was bottling it up, and obviously forgetting it. I feel I have missed out so much in NOT expressing what I went through by not venting somehow. I just tuned out of “this world” and created my own “la-la land.”

I guess what I am trying to say is that I wished that I did write, have a means of expressing my pain back then..... That I did have a means of letting my anger out some how in writing or in verbalizing......but nothing. I believe that is why to this day it remains so hard for me to connect (I cannot recall much of memories) the right feelings and feel the right responses to what was done to me in the past.

HOW GOD SEES A SURVIVOR

Not everyone has the same belief system as I do, but....

As I continue on my journey in dealing with an array of issues, I have often wondered "how does God see me as a survivor?"

I continue to learn and try to apply that I am not what my abuse says I am.

Currently suffering of feeling abandoned and rejected. (Hate these roller coaster rides with a passion!) It has been overwhelming these past few days that all I can do is just break down in heaving sobs as my insides ache and I wonder how I can go another day, let alone another minute. But, I do!

Suggested to me in the past was to read ISAIAH 53.

This passage shows how God (as Jesus/as a human) entered into the same pain as many of us of abuse, helplessness, weakness, depression, oppression, rejection, abandonment, shame, guilt, everything. Even though this passage and the Bible itself, never answers the question of “WHY,” it does share how Christ felt our pain nevertheless. Still it can be extremely hard to comprehend that ‘someone’ experienced our pain for us because of His love. Nevertheless, if you are a believer, it is then true and a comfort to know.

GOD'S PRESCRIPTION FOR A SOUND MIND

There is not one of us who cannot benefit somehow from this devotional below by Joyce Meyer!

She is an inspiration beyond words.

There are still some very good people in the world that do care, that do want to help and are concerned. At the same time, the world is becoming more corrupt each day with evil individuals.

We have much more power than we think. The spoken Word produces positive results in fighting the enemies attack on our mind and releasing of strongholds! It is just a matter of grasping the concept, trusting God and speaking His truth!

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJ)

Prepare for Battle
As you begin to reclaim your mind and thought life from the enemy, know that he won’t easily give up the place that he’s had. You will have to do battle against his lies and confusion. You must declare out loud that you will not allow any outside force to do your thinking—man or spirit. There are spiritual laws that demons must obey. They can’t stay when you’ve commanded them to leave. Your power and authority come from the name of Jesus, the blood of Jesus, and the Word of God. Ask God to give you discernment about the lies of the devil.

Think About What You’re Thinking About
As you recognize a thought that is a lie, always defend yourself out loud. This means speaking to Satan and the evil forces out loud, binding them in the name of Jesus, and forbidding them to lie to you and use your mind as their playground. As you continue to use this prescription regularly, you’ll regain your peace, your memory, restful nights, and the ability to concentrate and comprehend.

Stand Firm—You’re Not Alone
You are in a battle that all of God’s children fight (see Ephesians 6:12). Make up your mind not to give up! According to Colossians 3:2, set your mind on things above and keep it set! As you begin this battle, things may seem to get worse before they get better. This is because the demonic powers are fighting to keep their place. Call upon God’s grace in the name of Jesus, and He will give you the power of the Holy Spirit to completely overcome every evil tendency.

Don’t Give Up!
Remember, regaining your mind is a process. We all fail at one time or another. God knows our weaknesses; that’s why He gave us 1 John 1:9. Just ask for forgiveness and envision the blood of Jesus washing away your sin. Continue claiming that your mind belongs to you, and with Jesus’ help you will be victorious.

When you hear a lie going through your mind, say out loud:

“Satan, you are a liar. I will not receive (or believe) your lie in the name of Jesus” (see 2 Corinthians 10:5). “I remind you that it is written, …He who lives in [me] is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world. I command you to bow your knee to the name of Jesus and leave me” (see 1 John 4:4).

You have now pulled the lie out—just as you pull a weed out of the ground. But an empty hole remains where the weed once was. You must fill that space with Scripture. Begin to meditate on God’s Word or sing a praise song to God. Whatever it is you choose to do, make a conscious effort to fill your mind with good, pure, wholesome and lovely thoughts (see Philippians 4:8).

REFLECTION OF MY OWN SELF

Forgiveness does not come easy for me, it seems.

I have really taken notice of the way I am with people. Especially at work since that is where I daily associate with all types closely. I even verbally said out loud yesterday to myself, “I hold grudges.” Not the kind where I would take action and get even.

I expect so much out of people. (As I expect so much from myself.)

My dad was a very critical man. Extremely opinionated to the point I would become embarrassed when he would voice his dislikes in front of people, thinking they would not hear him. I too can be a very critical person and thus judge you harshly!

Sure, I can keep on using the excuse the way I act/react is because of my upbringing. Which a lot does have to do with it! However, there has got to come a time where I need to change. I already realize I have this struggle, now it is time to make more of an effort to ‘extend mercy’ first to myself and also to others. However little it may seem at the get-go.

COMING TO TERMS......

The little paragraph below shares an interesting perspective of what I feel I am experiencing. I almost overlooked this section, as it is so brief, yet powerful:

Coming To Terms With The Way Things Are

“Part of grieving is replacing the unconditional love you felt for your family as a child with a realistic assessment. On the one hand, your childhood might have been completely awful. On the other hand, there might have been a lot of good times mixed in with the abuse. If you also have feelings of love for your abuser, you must reconcile that love with the fact that he or she abused you.” (The Courage to Heal)

I know I have come to terms with the fact that my brother did indeed sexually abuse me! That goes without saying. What bothers me is that I do not feel the anger towards him for doing this. Likely scenario, I have not arrived at this point yet and am still in the grieving process!

Therefore, the very last sentence is hard for me right now, because I am not angry at him. . . . . . yet!

Or am I missing something.......

I do not know if I quite understand that last line???

MY TURN!

UPDATE ON DEVOTIONAL. SEE COMMENT SECTION FROM ME.

Preparing for "my turn" to do tomorrow’s devotional and praise song (shared in a post from last week what I was going to do) for the organization I am employed at. Funny, we just hired two new people within last week which brings the total of employees close to 50 now.

15 minute time frame is a very long time to speak, let alone perform. Oh well the more the merrier, I suppose........ NOT!

For some reason, this time, I feel I am being bombarded heavily by the enemy with irrational fears. Had not this much anxiety in the past before "my turn."

My spirit tells me Satan is quite upset and aware of my gaining strength daily in conquering irrational fears as I journey on. So, this time it is a bit of a fierce battle within my mind, because he knows he is loosing.

So, I am believing Jesus has already won the battle. End of story!

God will prevail regardless tomorrow and will get all the glory!

PANIC!

“Fear is a normal part of life-and of the healing process. The more you become familiar with it, the less distressing it will be. But in the beginning of the healing process, there may be times when you feel overwhelmed by fear.

Panic is fear that has spiraled out of control. You feel panic when you get scared by your own emotions and don’t have the skills to calm yourself down or when you’re trying like mad to suppress feelings or memories. Sometimes panic comes when the past intrudes into the present and it feels as if it’s happening now.

Although panic can seem to come out of the blue, there is always a trigger. Often it is a reminder of abuse that you aren’t consciously are of. Randi Taylor panicked whenever she stopped at a red light. The feeling of being boxed in and unable to move reminded her of the trapped feeling she had when she was molested.

When you are in a state of panic, you are usually not aware of these connections. You simply feel out of control. Your heart is racing; your breathing speeds p. You may break into a sweat, want to run, or feel as if your body is going to explode. Even your vision can change. You might far that you’re going crazy. And not understanding what’s happening only makes things worse.

Laura had her first major panic attack when she was twenty years old:

I was scared. I was scared about being scared, and the whole thing kept snowballing out of control. I was getting more and more terrified by the minute and I didn’t know how to find the release valve. Somehow I had the sense to call my best friend. I remember telling her on the phone, “I feel like either I’ll go insane, or kill myself.” She gave me a priceless and simple piece of advice. It got me through that attack of panic and many other tight situations in the years that followed. “Breathe, Laura,” she said. “Just breathe.”

If you start to feel overwhelmed and panicky, breathe. Sit with the feeling. Often women think they have to do something quickly to get away from the feelings of terror and alarm, but this frenzy to escape can escalate your fear rather than relieve it. Don’t rush into action. Instead, reassure yourself that this is just a feeling, powerful though it may be, and that feelings always change.” (The Courage to Heal)

EACH DAY A BIT CLOSER

After last nights t. session, I asked the Holy Spirit not to reveal anything for me to post about until the appropriate time. Felt I needed more time to process and zone out. Not that anything out of the ordinary happened last night, but then again, something did happen last night. I got closer to my goal. Getting closer to my goal could mean moving forward three steps or moving back two. Each step is a positive move regardless. A learning and anointed process for a vessle that continues to be willing despite the pain.

NOT FULLY SURRENDERED

Finally, the Lord has revealed to me, in words I can now understand, as I have been asking Him to please, please, please, please explain my pain and why I am so miserable day in and day out. He has placed on my heart exactly what I am doing!

Even with endless prayers from myself and concerned others to break strongholds in my life, the simple truth is that I have NOT FULLY SURRENDERED! Part of me is still holding back, afraid and uncertain of the unknown!!!!

It is a miserable existence to be miserable most of your life. Not fun at all! Yet, I still choose it!!!

As sick as that last statement is, and this next one will contradict what I am after, "I remain comfortable in my misery. As this is all I ever knew." Still, I know there is something better......

I long for relief!!!
I long for joy!!!
I long for peace!!!

With this revelation, and despite my misery, I know I am getting closer to my goal of being set free!!!

ON MY FACE

Heard this morning on the radio a song by Point of Grace entitled Day by Day. Even though all of the song is very meaningful, (talks about being open to whatever God has for you) what got my attention were the lyrics:

And I can't wait to fall at your glory
On my face, God of the morning
You're coming closer
Day by day

Each time that refrain was sung, it was like I automatically fell to my knees. After the last time, I just stayed on the ground worshipping.

LYRICS

Video of Point of Grace back in February 2009, at my church:

MY EXTENDED FAMILY!

I thought I would share some of my family.

Presently I have two birds, a 6 year old female opaline yellow face type 11 dominant pied hen budgie named Chipperet a/k/a 'boo-girl,' and a 20 year old male grey cockatiel named Zeb.

I used to have four, but these two birds lost their mates within two months of each other a couple of years ago.

After losing their mates, Zeb (Cockatiel) literally took Chipperet (budgie) under his wing and accepted her into his flock. Who would of thought? I would not have! He dive bombs me daily when I get too close to her. What a lover and protector!

This is Chipperet enjoying her morning bath, under Zeb’s watchful eye that I do not get too close.


Chipperet loves her bath so much she one day decided to join me after I washed my hair in my hair!

Zeb and Chipperet clowning around.


* * * * * * * *
Now we come to the hard part....the passing of my two other birds.

Zeb's mate, was affectionately called, "MaMa," (she is the light grey) only because when I was given 'her' by an ex-roommate, we thought 'she' was a 'he' until 'he' laid some eggs. So 'he' became, 'she' in turned named 'MaMa,' from 'King.'

Below are her and Zeb, cuddling.

Here are Zeb, MaMa and Chipperet (asleep).

Zeb and MaMa lounging on the computer chair getting their email.

MaMa died of a sudden heart attack two months after Petey (Chipperet's mate) died in 2007. That was painful to walk in on one Saturday morning after coming back from a walk. Totally unexpected! She was 18 years old. A precious little gem whom I miss a lot as Zeb too, as they were together all those years as a couple! He grieved terribly for a few weeks constantly calling out to her! It was hard for me to see the pain he was in.

Now onto my ultimate favorite bird, Petey!! (Don't tell the other two)

I cried for days on end when he was suffering and eventually passed. He died at 5 from a tumor that literally paralyzes the birds legs and then eventually they succumb to the illness. Below are Chipperet and Petey in happier days as an item.

Below Petey whispering 'sweet nothings' in Chipperet's ear.

Petey loved to chomp on wooden toothpicks.

Now, the really sad part, below this is my favorite picture of Petey resting in my hand,(he could not stand) taken a week before he died. I never cried so much for this little guy! He was truly my favorite. Picked up many words that I taught him and just was a loving bird!! To this day, I still miss him deeply.


Here are all four. Notice Zeb and MaMa looking on at the other two. Like checking on their own children.

That is all folks!

PILLOW SNUGGLE

I bought me one of those full length body pillows the other night. I desire something to snuggle up to now! A teddy bear cannot cut it for me as of yet. This pillow is almost as long as I.

The first night, I kept on thinking I had someone else in the bed with me. Scared me silly. Have to get used to that!

But, it felt good to have something to wrap my arms around and draw close to me, especially during my times of pain.

ABUSE and the MIRACLE of RECOVERY

This is Joyce Meyer's brief powerful testimony of hope and overcoming the pain of the past! I can relate to a whole lot of issues she went through, besides the sexual, emotional and verbal abuse the people pleasing!

This woman is a tower of strength whom I admire greatly for her boldness and courage!

Abuse and the Miracle of Recovery
by Joyce Meyer

During my childhood I was abused sexually, emotionally, verbally and physically. Many of you have also been abused, or you deal with someone in your life who comes from an abusive, dysfunctional background.

What does abuse mean? It means “to misuse, to use improperly, to use up or to injure by maltreatment.” The effects of abuse can be devastating and long-lasting. Many people never recover from it. Let me give you a brief definition of the four types of abuse.

Sexual abuse: considered to be the most degrading and offensive; consists of rape, molestation, incest, exhibitionism, voyeurism and obscene phone calls.

Emotional abuse: consists of withholding attention, loving touches and words of acceptance. Love is only given based on acceptable performance. Abandonment is a type of emotional abuse and can occur when one or both parents leave the child physically or mentally. Adults can also experience abandonment if important people in their lives leave suddenly or violently.

Verbal abuse: can be overt or covert. Overt: aggressive, angry words that say you’re flawed or unacceptable. Covert: loving words of acceptance that help you develop properly are withheld.

Physical abuse: consists of beatings, unfair discipline, being locked in closets or dark rooms and withholding food.

Although I appeared to function normally in society, I had multiple inward problems and complicated personality disorders. There were several things going on in me at the time that prevented me from receiving and experiencing the righteousness, peace and joy of God’s kingdom (see Romans 14:17). But Jesus came so that we could have and enjoy kingdom living.

I was bitter about my past and had a chip on my shoulder, which caused me to have the attitude that everyone owed me preferential treatment. I was full of self-pity, especially if things didn’t go my way. I was controlling, manipulative, fearful, insecure and harsh. I was just plain hard to get along with and often downright obnoxious. I was judgmental, suspicious and very negative. I experienced a lot of guilt and condemnation. I had a shame-based nature; therefore, everything I attempted was poisoned. Since I didn’t like who I was, I spent many years trying to be like someone else. I’m sure you get the picture—I was quite a mess!

Now, what I’m getting ready to say is important. I was born again and actively involved in church life. We attended church regularly and did church work. Our lives revolved around the church, but I was not getting victory over my problems. In fact, the really sad part was that I didn’t even understand that I had a problem. I thought everyone else had a problem and that if they would change, I would be happy.

In 1976 I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. Acts 1:8 speaks of receiving God’s power to be His witnesses. Notice it does not say to do witnessing but to be witnesses. The Bible says we are to be living epistles and read by all men (see 2 Corinthians 3:2), light in a dark world, and the salt of the earth (see Matthew 5:13,14). Doing is a different thing than being. I had my outside polished up, but my inner life was a wreck. Quite often the inner turmoil exploded, and then everybody could see I wasn’t quite what I appeared to be.

The outpouring of the Holy Spirit in my life gave me a real love for God's Word and an ability to understand it like never before. Second Corinthians 3:18 says looking into the Word of God is like looking into a mirror which transforms us into His image from glory to glory. I have been changing ever since. I have changed and changed and changed. And I’m still changing! Most of those problems are completely gone, and the rest only flare up occasionally. I even look different—younger, happier, more peaceful.

Second Corinthians 5:17 says that if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away; and all things are made new. But that really doesn’t mean everything from the past just vanishes. The Amplified Bible brings it out this way: Behold, the fresh and new has come! In other words, without Jesus there is no hope for newness of life. The past always affects the future without the power of God to overcome it. But even with Jesus, we are not automatically free from the past. When the fresh and new comes, there is opportunity to be free. But we must give the Word of God an exalted place in our lives. We must face the truth as it is revealed to us in His Word, and then the truth will set us free as it is acted upon.

I want to encourage you to keep pressing on! Philippians 1:6 says that He who has begun a good work in you is able to bring it to completion. You will keep changing if you stay in God’s Word and keep looking to Jesus, who is the author and the finisher of your faith (see Hebrews 12:2). Now I am enjoying the kingdom living of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. And no matter what you’ve experienced in your past or how many problems you have, God will do a miracle for you! He will change you into the image of Jesus Christ and give you a new life worth living!

ESCAPE BY ANY MEANS

****Possible Triggers****

“As a child or an adolescent, you might have made attempts to run away from a home in which you were being abused. Or you might have escaped through sleep, books, or video games. Many adult survivors still read obsessively. One woman said, “I’d buy a junk novel and read it till I fell asleep, usually for a good thirty-six hours at a stretch.” Others spend most of their lives in front of the TV or a computer screen.

If you couldn’t bear to believe the abuse was really happening, you might have pretended something else was going on. Sometimes children create fantasies that explore their desire for power in a powerless situation. One woman dreamed of a little house she could live in all by herself, with locks on all doors.” Another spent her childhood dreaming of revenge:

I’d watch Perry Mason to get ideas about how to kill my father. It was really the best of times. Every day I would get a new method. However the person was murdered on Perry Mason that day, I would go to bed that night, and that’s how I would kill my father. One time on Perry Mason this guy killed his wife by knocking an electric fan into the bathtub. I imagined electrocuting him like that. I remember really vividly fantasizing about putting ground glass in the meatloaf. I was the cook. I thought about stabbing him, shooting him. Every night I killed him in another way.” (The Courage to Heal)

To forget about my pain, I played sports from almost dawn to dusk with the neighborhood kids, if I was not at school. That was my escape. I really did have so much fun with the other kids!!

At the same time, I also created a fantasy la-la world. A world where I was in control and could pick my own scripts and actors. Usually creating a world of getting some kind of “rush or sensation” I guess in order to ‘feel’ and be happy for however brief.

A lot of the time acting out my scenarios on my own. Later, including some of my friends who were willing to participate in my world. Hey, they thought I was a bit weird, but went along with some of them.

BEAUTY FROM PAIN

Well, here I go again. Two videos in a row. I am just going on the prompting of the Spirit. Found this one tonight. She wrote the song, but gives God the glory!

CARRIED TO THE TABLE

Again, I usually do not post videos.

But the Spirit impressed upon me tonight to search out a video (as my heart is aching).

I hope you will be blessed as well.

REALITY SETS IN!

Sitting at my computer at work, around 4:00 p.m. today, reality all of a sudden hits me like a cold sweat with some crucial comforts from yesterday’s t. session as the intervention of the Holy Spirit brought out some very good and nice feelings, (something I cannot even recall ever experiencing). How I long to savor those good feelings of yesterday of feeling safe and nurtured!!!

I guess reality (as painful as it is for me now) will be with me for some time, as I choose daily to welcome it in for cleansing purposes.

I am truly grateful that I have a boss who knows I am dealing with issues and I can take the liberty to zone out at my desk or in a quiet place and let the moment happen without repercussions.

Even though I am still in the very, very, early stages of trying NOT to people please, I still do and I still get hurt. Anyone who struggles with people pleasing knows how hard it is to not say 'no,' when you desire so much to be included!!!! I should have said 'no' to an event tonight. Now my spirit is crushed. I am hurt, upset and angry because it did not go my way. All the while, I knew this was going to happen beforehand. But Noooooooooooo, I went ahead and plowed right into the situation knowing the chances would be that I would get hurt. I did. But, I was desperate.

Amazing.....I can go from one minute thinking, “I will be okay, I can beat this emotional pain,” to the next thinking, "I am going to die!!!"

WO!

There is not going to be much to this post as I am more or less still recovering from the Holy Spirit’s presence from last night t. session!!

Any of you who have been in the presence of the Holy Spirit knows what I am talking about. Especially doing battle with the enemy to breakdown strongholds I have been carrying for many years! Talk about sheer exhaustion afterward!

What I can share is the “break-through” has begun. The battle for freedom is in full swing. The devil is sweating (more than in hell). I still have a ways to go. But, I am going! Going full throttle!

PAIN OF ISOLATION

This entry really touches my pain very deeply. I kept putting off posting this one as long as I could, as the reality of it is really hard for me! Every time I went for the book and had to go past this section, the pain just shot through me like an arrow.

But, I felt, with much prayer, to go ahead and post it now in hopes it may help me understand a bit better after I type, proofread and give my thoughts on the topic and hopefully benefit anyone else out there as well:

“If you are fortunate enough to be part of a supportive family or community, you have a safety net that will provide great comfort and be a source of strength. But many survivors are severely isolated. One woman, Krishnabai, recalled an experience that made her isolation glaringly obvious:

I got into a car accident. A drunken driver plowed into me. I went into the hospital and the doctor said, “Well, I think you’re okay. But I don’t want you to be alone for the night. Do you have a roommate?”
I said, “No.”
And he said, “Do you have a friend you can call?”
I said, “No.”
He said, “Do you have any family you can call?”
I said, “No.”
And he looked at me with this incredible compassion and said, “Is there anyone there for you in your life?”
And I thought about it, and I said, “No.”

After a lifetime of loneliness, it can be hard to develop close relationships. Yet finding safe people and learning to trust is at the heart of the healing process. You already suffered the abuse alone. You don’t have to heal in the same lonely isolation.” (The Courage to Heal)

I can so relate to Krishnabai. I would be saying the exact same words to the doctor as well.

Even though I can be among many at work and carry on a conversation, I feel isolated. Even though I can be among many at church and carry on a conversation, I feel isolated. And my dear blogger friends, if it were not for you and your encouragement things would be even harder.

I can certainly agree that it is tremendously HARD to develop any close relationships. People are set in their ways, and have their own set of friends and many do not want to make the effort.

I cannot blame being sexually abused the total fault of the way I am today. The divorce of my parents, abandonment/low self-esteem issues, their alcoholism, the neglect, and then the controlling of my mother who forced me into her own world of “her and I” for oh so many years so she felt safe, are major contributing factors as well.

Despite my loneliness, knowing that I do have a God that cares, sometimes just does not cut it! The pain cuts deep! I struggle to feel His comfort. I struggle with will this pain ever cease? But, I do need HIM!!

My prayer, despite my tremendous fear in stepping out, as I gain more confidence and persevere with reaching out myself to others, getting more involved in activities and heal, is that the Lord will provide me trusting people that will respect, understand and take me seriously for who I am.

I am tired of performing. I am tired of being an observer in life. I am tired of feeling different. I am tired of being lonely!

WIRED FOR WORSHIP

I am very fortunate to be able to work in a Christian organization where the Gospel is not banned or frowned upon. In a couple of weeks it will be my turn, once again (there are over 40 employees who take turns) to do and lead the morning devotional before work begins. We are allowed to do whatever is on our heart, usually 15 minutes worth. I try and have something that everyone can relate to.

Speaking in front of people, and especially my peers does not come easy for me! I have been at this company two and a half years now, and by the Grace of God each time my turn comes up to do morning devotionals, it does get a little easier.

At the beginning, I would get sick to my stomach five minutes before and having to rush out to go to the bathroom and come back quickly like nothing ever happened and begin. That does not happen anymore, praise God. Early on I would only read a devotional, pray and that was it. My fifteen minutes turned into three minutes.

Over the months, I have seen myself progress tremendously in this area of leading, praying and worshiping in front of people. So much, that the last few times I have incorporated playing my guitar and yes, singing an ending praise song or a song related to my devotional.

It is totally amazing how other aspects of my life are falling apart around me and I feel I cannot go on, when in this one little area of praise music I know I am gifted at and am confident about! In the past, I used to do worship for small women bible studies. Grant it, I still get scared silly before doing it, but the Holy Spirit’s calming affect goes into operation once I begin.

I am still tweaking the devotional that I got off the internet. I will tie in at the end performing The Air I Breathe (one of my favorite Christian songs from Hillsongs).

Any who. If you are interested in what I will be sharing in two weeks, please click HERE.

BE STILL......RELAX

Lately, being still is hard for me. My emotions are running high and at times it is hard for me to settle down.

The devotional below shares about relaxing, trusting God to do His work in our every day lives, however painful. To know we can have the assurance to just be still and relax in His arms. I want to meditate on this, as I hope you do also:

As I sat in the dentist’s chair, I braced myself for the drilling that would begin my root canal. I was ready for the worst, and my body language and facial expression exposed my sense of dread. The dentist looked at me and smiled, saying, “It’s okay, Bill. Try to relax.”

That isn’t easy to do. It is actually very difficult to try (requiring effort and exertion) to relax (requiring an absence of effort and exertion). Try and relax just don’t seem to fit together—not only in the dentist’s chair, but in the spiritual realm as well.

Far too often I don’t limit my efforts of resistance to visits at the dentist’s office. In my relationship with Christ, I find myself not pressing for God’s purposes but for my own interests. In those moments, the hardest thing for me to do is “try to relax” and genuinely trust God for the outcome of life’s trials.

In Psalm 46:10, we read, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” In the moments when my heart is anxious, this verse reminds me to “be still, and know.”

Now, if I can only put that into practice and rest confidently in His care, I’ll be at peace.

Bill Crowder

BLASTING OUT THE PAIN!

Many times when I am going through a lot of emotional pain the volume of my praise music increases! When I am hurting bad, having the music up very loud (in my car or at home) may psychologically feel better. Like I feel more alive because my whole being is vibrating from the intensity of the pounding of the music being so loud???

Am I alone in believing this???

SHIFTING OUT OF SELF BLAME

I have been thinking a lot about Tuesday’s t. session with the discovery of my mum being the root of my abandonment issues. I am still in awe of this finding!

The positive thing here is that, even though I am presently experiencing this pain which brought up the discussion on Tuesday, I do realize for the time being this issue will be extremely painful when I am triggered. But, I can at least ‘try’ and shift my mind to not taking it out “on myself,” but to realize what I am feeling at the moment is stemming from my past and early childhood. That it WAS NOT MY FAULT! Where before, when triggered, it would be immediate self blame and the misery for days I would feel. No other excuse! I was the bad person. I was the crazy one here. I was a freak. I was the culprit. I was unacceptable. I was worthless. I was full of guilt and shame, etc. etc.

I really do not look forward to being triggered in this area, but it is inevitable. Even thinking about it upsets me. Not that God is out to get me, but I do realize He needs to have hurts brought up for healing. Whether I am triggered out in the world or in a safe environment with my t, the reward of freedom will outweigh the pain one day! Amen!

YOU SAID WHAT?

It has been a rough few days of upheaval for me at work with an uproar of dissension brought on by a co-worker that has a few people very very angry and then yesterday while I was speaking with my mum on the phone, she began to "tell" me that she wanted me to do something for her this coming weekend.

For the first time I replied back to her, "are you asking me to do something?" She said, "yes." I then said, "it did not sound like you were asking me but telling me and you did not even ask if I had plans." She then said, "I was hoping you would do it." She got mad that I was questioning her.

She does not see it from my perspective. Could I possibly have a life and it would be nice if she would of asked if I was busy that day and not just "assume and demand" that I come and help her.

She does not get it..... Well..... not yet that is.

ABANDONMENT TWIST

More clarity was revealed in tonight's t. session. Even though I am still processing, an interesting twist to why I feel abandonment was discovered.

All along I thought the main culprit to these feelings stemmed from my father, (not saying that there may be some of that there too) but it turns out in all likelihood the main culprit is my mother. In what I have been able to process thus far, it makes total sense. The threat of someone else monopolizing my mother’s time over me (i.e. when my mother remarried when I was a child, her attention went to him) proved to be devastating. So devastating, it reflected how I have handled and viewed my personal relationships. So devastating, the emotional pain that I inflict on myself by my messed up thinking has caused many years of anguish for me. The bonding that I received from my mother as a child was not healthy, but toxic. Which in essence has screwed up my perception on many things.

I WANT JOY!!

I want joy!

“Want,” as I believe I have never had it. And if I did, it was for a brief time that I cannot even recall!

I say this as my spirit for the past few days has been crying out so desperately with deep groanings along with floods of tears, my sides ache. Desiring so much to experience the joy that God offers!

When I feel I cannot take the agony of my pain any longer, I am provided a rest bit. Thank God, as I do not know how one can survive emotionally without having a nervous breakdown. Miraculously, my mind becomes clear within seconds. Unfortunately the cycle tends to repeat itself....for now.

Through it all I am mindful to keep praying and be open to what God needs to show me in my process of healing, i.e. worthiness especially!

But, dang, this present process is truly painful!!!

***Why this picture? I am the duckling. I see a caring parent, i.e. God, overseeing His child struggling and in pain. Desiring to help, but knowing at the same time that 'His' child must learn some things on her own. ***

SUNDAY MORNING STRUGGLES

This is supposed to be a day of rest a day for worship specifically in God’s house with God’s people. Things are getting just a “tad” better with my mum on this day, but she still knows how to disrupt another individual’s life.

I am little by little becoming upfront with her on Sunday mornings placing boundaries, especially meeting up with her between services which disrupts my time and things I want to do. Even though she saw me last night, she wanted to see me again between services. I said no I was not too sure if I would be around between services. Naturally that statement was not taken lightly.

No wonder I dread Sunday’s and usually worn out with arguing and planning before even getting out of the house. Many times I just isolate myself at church and am really there in body but not spirit. I feel very crushed, shameful and alone during these times.

But, I will continue to strive for my freedom, where I can actually look forward to going to church and go with the real purpose one day on my own terms!! And really enjoy the presence of the Lord in His House!

DARE TO BE DIFFERENT

My journey is taking me through many twists and turns of self-discovery. Striving to put away my many masks and just being myself, exposed, uncut and ultimately confident!

Joyce Meyer’s devotional, shares what we can have. How the pressure can be off of us when we finally realize that we need not be anyone else but our self! That each and everyone of us is uniquely made! It is not easy to believe, I know. But, it is true!! Courage plays a big part in being different. Accepting who we are. Joyce asks the penetrating question, “Are we people pleasers or God pleasers?” Unfortunately, at this time, I can honestly say I am more of a people pleaser. But, I am praying daily for the strength as I heal in my mind to reverse this cycle, however long it may take. People pleasing is a debilitating lifestyle which takes so much energy from oneself. This is a fact in my life!!

The encouragement of the devotional is that if God says we are worthy than we are. We just need to believe it!!

There is so much more to the devotional, just read it and absorb it into your being the best you can.

Are you tired of playing games, wearing masks or trying to be someone other than yourself? Wouldn't you like the freedom to just be accepted for who you are, without the pressure to be someone you really don't know how to be? Would you like to learn how to embrace your uniqueness and resist the pull to be like everyone else? God knew what He was doing when He made you. You are a unique individual—God created you the way you are! It's time that we dare to accept ourselves as different and stop being insecure about who we are.

If you’re going to overcome insecurities and be the person God’s called you to be, you must have the courage to be different. Unhappiness and frustration happen when we reject our uniqueness and try to be like each other. If you’re going to be successful at being completely you, then you’re going to have to take a chance on not being like everyone else. You must ask yourself, Am I a people pleaser or a God pleaser?

Becoming a people pleaser is one of the easiest things we can do...but it can ultimately make us very unhappy. When we begin pleasing others, we begin to hear comments that make us feel good about ourselves. That’s okay as long as we don't derive our sense of worth from it. People are too fickle for us to place our sense of worth in their opinions. We’re worth something because God says we're worth something—not because of what people think or say about us.

People pleasers allow others to control their lives in order to gain acceptance and approval. But God doesn't want us to be easily manipulated or controlled by others. We shouldn't let other people's opinions of us control our actions.

At the same time, we must walk in love. We can't just do anything we want, whenever we want, with total disregard for the feelings of others. We can't say, "I'm going to do this, and if you don't like it, that's tough—that's your problem!" The Bible commands us to love others, and love doesn't behave that way. However, we must not allow people to manipulate and control us to the point that we’re never free to be who we are. If we do, we’ll always try to become the person we think others expect us to be.

The world (those we know and deal with on a daily basis who may be family, friends, people in the neighborhood or even in the church) is continually trying to conform us to its image. The word conform means "to be similar in form or character; to behave in accordance with prevailing modes or customs.” Romans 12:2 says, Do not be conformed to this world (this age),…but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind…It’s then that we find the good and acceptable will of God for our lives.

People will always try to fit us into their mold, partly due to their own insecurity. It makes them feel better about what they are doing if they can get someone else to do it too. Very few people have the ability to be who they are and let everybody else be who they are. Can you imagine how nice the world would be if we would all do that? Each person would be secure in who he is and let others be who they are. We would not have to try to be imitations of each other.

God wants to take us, with all our weaknesses and inabilities, and transform us, by working from the inside out, to do something powerful in this earth. If we’re going to overcome insecurities and succeed at being ourselves, we can't continue to be afraid of what everybody else may think. We can't continue to allow others to fit us into their mold. We are different! We are unique! God created us this way to accomplish His purposes here on earth.