ADMITTING I AM WEAK

Currently, in this phase of my journey, my prayers have changed from asking God to please take away the painful circumstance to, God please show me what I can learn from the painful circumstance.

Case in point, just the other day it was confirmed I screwed up majorily at work (something I do not do often) by putting down a wrong source code on a big project. Even though it was rectified, and my boss more or less poo-pooed the error, it bothered me BIG TIME because of my past I would think....... "I was not perfect. What would people think about me, I am a failure, I feel rejected, I will not be liked anymore, etc." Then the amount of shame that would follow is the real killer! The error probably would not have bothered me as much if I was not close to my co-workers as I am. The price one pays for 'being real' I suppose.

Now after a day or so of ranting and raving and beating myself up verbally by calling myself everything imaginable including 'stupid,' 'dumb ass,' 'doofess,' 'idiot,' 'poo-poo head' and some other unmentionables that contain four letter words, I was finally open to what the Lord wanted to reveal to me:

(1) I was not letting myself be human;
(2) A certain amount of pride was involved, because I wanted to do the project and not ask for help as "I wanted it done correctly." Yeah right, then I end up screwing it up anyway; and
(3) There will be plenty more times in my life that I will screw up things; and
(4) Accepting and being gentle with myself. Life does go on.
(5) When I am weak, He is so very strong; And finally,
(6) Trusting God with the outcome of what people think of me.

So..... this is part of the painful process. It is not easy to dismiss right now. I still have fleeting moments of hurt with Satan's jabs of that I should not have messed this project up!!! But.......I am not perfect! I am human! And next time, and there will be a next time, and many more to follow, when I do screw up I pray that I will have a quicker response in knowing who I am in Christ and be kinder to myself.

I will be off from work the next few days. And it is NO coincidence that what has transpired recently, the pain of feeling rejected and a failure have NOT gone unnoticed by God! He orchestrated my circumstance perfectly in order to show me what needs to still be worked on and to take this opportunity of quiet time away from the situation and reflect and draw nearer to Him. To received His GRACE (not just believe it but receive it) and to give my physical body a chance to heal from the affects of my journey thus far.

GOD AND DOG

A very short video! You will undoubtedly be touched and blessed!

BE YOURSELF

I am beginning to understand that God created me ONLY to be me!!! Not you, not she, not thee, but me!!!

The countless years of being a chameleon, so to speak, with pleasing people in order to be accepted are on their way out! I know I have my work cut out, as it will not be easy....but determination, individualism, freedom, purpose are only a few things that push me towards the promise of my healing!!!!

I am so very tired of having to be someone else just to get my fix in order to feel good about who I am and to be accepted! A very very debilitating sick lifestyle to say the least. To always have a plan in order when in the presence of individuals that I wanted to please was so draining!!

Doing things that "I DID NOT WANT or CARE TO DO" in the first place, but did because I wanted to be liked, loved, accepted, important. You name it, I did it.

Went into serious financial debt, not once, but twice, because I tried to buy "love and acceptance." Smoked, drinked, swore, lied, ate, dressed the same just to be accepted. Being a chauffeur at all hours, maid, housekeeper, cook (I laugh at that, because I am not), run favors, be available 24/7, being taken advantage of, brainwashed, paying someones way i.e. schooling, car payments, electric bills, etc., etc.

What a price to pay, huh?

I remember many a time hating what I had become. The emotional hurt when I did NOT live up successfully to the standards of the people that I was trying to please!! But, I was so damn hooked into this type of lifestyle, I saw no escape. But God did. Even back then. Yeah, He helped me through it, but not until recently have I understood the sickness of it all! God got me out of many real and sometimes scary situations because I would not say "no."

I am fed up and sick and tired of it now! That is why I want so desperately to be detached from this stronghold in getting my fix from other people's lives! Tired, tired, tired!!

I DESIRE SO MUCH THAT I GAIN MY SELF WORTH ONLY FROM THE LORD!

So this devotional from Joyce Meyer is very timely and encouraging for me, and I am sure for any of us. As we are always a "work in progress."

Are you tired of playing games, wearing masks or trying to be someone other than yourself? Wouldn't you like the freedom to just be accepted for who you are, without the pressure to be someone you really don't know how to be? Would you like to learn how to embrace your uniqueness and resist the pull to be like everyone else? God knew what He was doing when He made you. You are a unique individual—God created you the way you are! It's time that we dare to accept ourselves as different and stop being insecure about who we are.

If you’re going to overcome insecurities and be the person God’s called you to be, you must have the courage to be different. Unhappiness and frustration happen when we reject our uniqueness and try to be like each other. If you’re going to be successful at being completely you, then you’re going to have to take a chance on not being like everyone else. You must ask yourself, Am I a people pleaser or a God pleaser?

Becoming a people pleaser is one of the easiest things we can do...but it can ultimately make us very unhappy. When we begin pleasing others, we begin to hear comments that make us feel good about ourselves. That’s okay as long as we don't derive our sense of worth from it. People are too fickle for us to place our sense of worth in their opinions. We’re worth something because God says we're worth something—not because of what people think or say about us.

People pleasers allow others to control their lives in order to gain acceptance and approval. But God doesn't want us to be easily manipulated or controlled by others. We shouldn't let other people's opinions of us control our actions.

At the same time, we must walk in love. We can't just do anything we want, whenever we want, with total disregard for the feelings of others. We can't say, "I'm going to do this, and if you don't like it, that's tough—that's your problem!" The Bible commands us to love others, and love doesn't behave that way. However, we must not allow people to manipulate and control us to the point that we’re never free to be who we are. If we do, we’ll always try to become the person we think others expect us to be.

The world (those we know and deal with on a daily basis who may be family, friends, people in the neighborhood or even in the church) is continually trying to conform us to its image. The word conform means "to be similar in form or character; to behave in accordance with prevailing modes or customs.” Romans 12:2 says, Do not be conformed to this world (this age),…but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind…It’s then that we find the good and acceptable will of God for our lives.

People will always try to fit us into their mold, partly due to their own insecurity. It makes them feel better about what they are doing if they can get someone else to do it too. Very few people have the ability to be who they are and let everybody else be who they are. Can you imagine how nice the world would be if we would all do that? Each person would be secure in who he is and let others be who they are. We would not have to try to be imitations of each other.

God wants to take us, with all our weaknesses and inabilities, and transform us, by working from the inside out, to do something powerful in this earth. If we’re going to overcome insecurities and succeed at being ourselves, we can't continue to be afraid of what everybody else may think. We can't continue to allow others to fit us into their mold. We are different! We are unique! God created us this way to accomplish His purposes here on earth.

From the book New Day, New You: 365 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2007 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

THE NATURE OF THERAPY

My prayer buddies (for some reason I want to say prayer bunnies, oh well) thank you each and everyone for your prayers of my previous post! Within a couple of hours the oppression lifted and I was able to think clearer! You all are ever so special!!

Had t. today. Still processing, but I know I am healing!!! The excerpt below is taken from Diane Mandt Langberg’s book “Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse.” She shares in this particular part what she views the ideal counselling relationship should be:

Dr. Langberg has been a licensed psychologist in private practice for twenty–five years and is the director a of group practice. Dr. Langberg writes the counselor column in Today's Christian Woman magazine and has also written Counseling Survivors of Sexual Abuse. Diane and her husband, Ron, live in Pennsylvania with their two sons, Joshua and Daniel.

“Voice is obviously a vital component of therapy; the expression of self by both therapists and clients is necessary if healing is to occur. As therapists speak their “self” out into the relationship, they not only share their self but also model for clients how to do the same. At the same time, therapists are helping both cognitively and emotionally to create a healing environment.

God gave us voice for the purpose of creating, governing, and articulating. To be shut up is to be less than God intended. Voice can be expressed in many ways. It is simply thoughts, words, and feelings articulated in some form. That expression can be spoken, written, painted, sung, or danced. It is some representation of the person who sits before us. In many ways, therapy is simply the voice of one person calling out to another, urging that person to give expression to her self.

Therapy is a relationship that continually draws out the voice of another. To have the capacity to draw out the voice of one who has been silenced for many years is to have a great deal of power. We might define power as an ability to produce certain desired effects. As the ones who can help unleash another’s voice and bring to the relationship components that foster healing, therapists have a great deal of power.

On the other hand, to have been silenced means to feel powerless. Client’s experiences of themselves as powerless have been deeply in-grained by the abuse. People who have continuously been acted upon in harmful ways often assume a vulnerable, receptive mode and thus are set up for others to abuse the power they have over them. Clients enter therapy looking for help. They see therapists as the ones who have the power to help. Clients seem themselves as those who have no choice and to whom things are done. Clients see therapists as the ones who determine the relationship, set boundaries, and have greater knowledge. It is a very short step from these components to an abuse of power. Obviously, the responsibility rests on therapists to use power only for clients’ good and for the purpose of helping clients find their own voice and exercise their God-given power.”

NEED MUCH PRAYER!!

I ask for much needed prayers now!!! I am hurting emotionally so very bad now!

Thank you.

MY BODY A SAFE PLACE

****POSSIBLE TRIGGERS****
“There are many aspects of healing that bring great rewards, but perhaps none is more fundamental or personal as healing at the body level. When we reclaim our bodies, we gain access to the most direct knowledge of our lives-our immediate physical experience. When our bodies are our own again, we have a safe home in the world. And when we truly inhabit our bodies, we are empowered.” (The Courage to Heal)

When I read the above I had to really think how this could apply to me.

You know, the above does not only relate to being sexually violated, but physically and verbally as well.

Growing up in an environment of having porn magazines available at my fingertips along with my brothers was not a good set-up. Being molested by my older brother when I was 8 or 9 affected me. The trauma of the sexual abuse had me to believe sex was the main focal point to any intimate relationship! Forget about having a conversation and enjoying and having a fun date. No, the thought of when was my date going to make his advances loomed heavily on my mind!!!! No wonder I was scared to death of intimacy!!!! I certainly did not enjoy the process and feared physical pain when I went ahead and let my body be used!! I dreaded the moment of being intimate!!! But at the same time wanted so much to be normal! I thought something was wrong with me!! Thought I had the major hangup!! I was afraid of commitment. Could not even foresee myself ever being married. Fear would engulf me terribly that one time I became sick that I had to make up some lame excuse just to end the date. I remembered my date was not too happy to return me home early than planned! I was just so freaking scared! I became an expert at sabotaging my dates. To this day I do not even know how I ended up getting two marriage proposals even. Eventually I became more of a recluse and added this chapter of my life to not being worthy enough for anyone and just did not bother trying anymore.

Slowly but surely, I am in the process of reclaiming my body back. Not just in the physical, but in the emotional. I still struggle in this area to how important sex is in a relationship. So, like with everything else, in time.....

VALUED

Growing up in an alcoholic family, my mother basically worked to support us. There were three of us children, I being the youngest and only girl. I remember my brothers baby-sitting me a lot (which consisted of usually locking me in my bedroom so they could play amongst themselves) as my parents would go to parties. My father drank and was lazy when it came to holding down a job. I did not receive the nurturing and attention that I should have. My mother was always working and my father who many times I would find asleep when I arrived home from school with porno magazines and beer cans sprawled about him. His favorite line was, "children should be seen and not heard." I really do not have many memorable early memories with my father.

I kind of remember trying to please my father and trying to win his attention. But, I seemed to annoy him more than anything. I kind of can feel the pain of his rejection now. Something I had not been able to do.

For the longest time, and even up to recently, I believed my value was attained through pleasing people. Being what they wanted me to be. Although I do struggle with this tendency still, I have seen some improvement. At least now I recognize the pattern when I do it. I try and reason it out and remember who I am in Christ before I go any further. NOT ALWAYS SUCCESSFUL!!!! It IS NOT EASY, but it certainly is the way to go for victory!!

The devotional below shares how what really matters is getting our worth from God alone! Hard for us who have been abused and neglected! But, it can be done. And I have seen in others the freedom that awaits with this promise!!!

I look forward to getting one day myself!!!!!

OH YES!!!!

* * * *
Many of us learn early in life that we need to earn our sense of value. For some, value was earned by entertaining people with our clowning acts. For others, value came from taking care of everyone else. And for others, value was derived from achieving success of some kind. But often there is no way to entertain enough, take care enough or achieve enough to meet our needs for approval. No matter how compulsively we entertain, or care or work, we still are not able to feel valued. These substitutes do not meet the deepest longings of our heart. In addition we run the risk of becoming compulsively attached to these substitutes because we fear that the sense of value which they offer is our only hope of finding peace.

The longing to experience ourselves as valued is a fundamental human need. The need is really a need to be heard, seen, enjoyed and loved by others for who we are rather than for what we do. No amount of earned approval can meet this need. We long to know that we have value simply because we exist. This kind of value cannot be earned, it must be received as a gift.

Jesus says to us "you are valuable. Simply because you are, you are valuable". The birds of the air are God's creatures. God sees them and cares for them. God made them and God enjoys them. They are valuable. You, too, are God's creation, made and known by God. God sees you and cares for you. You are of great value. As we grow in our awareness that our true value is a gift already given to us by God, we can begin to let go of the tight hold we have on our substitute strategies for achieving worth.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

IT'S LIKE A RUSH

These past few days I have been trying to shake a migraine. One day is better than the other. The pain sometimes can really incapacitate you. During the holiday's I thought I was doing well with combating feelings of feeling empty and sad. But, I found myself just that.

During our times of pain, whether emotionally or physically, we have that opportunity of drawing closer to God even more.

In between conciseness on Christmas Day, as I slept part of the morning trying to shake this headache. I meditated on God's Word and also on the song by Kari Jobe "Revelation Song."

If there is one song, besides my all time favorite, "Breathe," "Revelation Song" (playing now on my Playlist) will whisk me into the presence of the Lord quicker than lightening! That song is so very anointed for me. The Spirit falls heavily upon me!! IT IS SO VERY POWERFUL!!!It is like a rush of all emotions at one time! Sometimes I have no control over my thinking and motor functions! That is the only way I can describe the presence of the Holy Spirit.

I have not been feeling His presence in my life for a while now. And to be able to have had Him come so quickly through a song is such unbelievably refreshing!!!!! I never wanted to leave His presence. He has never left me. Even when I have turned my back on Him in recent days.

I had the song playing on a continuously loop, so I could be in His presence without interruption. Eventually, I had to give myself a break, as much as I wanted to remain at this wonderful "high" I needed to "come down" from it also!

Whew!

This will be one song I will learn to play on the guitar!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

REDEFINING

In t. today, the majority of the time was spent on how I perceive certain things that are hindering my progress to healing. In order to advance, I need to redefine a lot of my thinking perception. That scares me. Scares me because of the many years I have thought one certain way and to have to change my thinking to a healthier way of life feels out of the ordinary. But necessary!

I put limits on "God" to what should and should not be. Which blocks what He wants to show me, learn from and then eventually be able to move on to the next step.

And my dear bloggie friends, you play a HUGE part in my recovery that you have no idea about! Even I am discovering how much of a BIG part you play in my recovery. The actual words you use in your comments to me, your individual posts on your own blogs are all so significant to my healing. It is becoming apparent to me in talking it out with my t. how God is using you all to show me the areas that I still need to work on especially in the receiving department. Receiving your compassion, and your 'love.'

This 'next part' may sound strange to some. Hopefully I can get my point across without sounding 'off the wall.' Even though I have never met any of you IRL, that does not stop you from being human, correct? Part of my redefining is to accept you who are on the other end of this computer, despite not having tangible evidence of seeing and touching you IRL that you are just as real as I am. And just as important as if I were to meet you IRL!

STILLNESS

The Lord woke me up early this morning and impressed upon my heart to post the word "Stillness" along with a picture. Nothing more. Ones that needed to see this post would understand the meaning in their own heart.

IF GOD LEFT US BROKEN.....

Below is someone else sharing on this topic. I would share more of my insights, but I am just too emotionally exhausted.

IF GOD LEFT US BROKEN.....THERE WOULD BE NO HOPE.

Broken hearts, broken relationships, broken down cars… this world is full of brokenness. We throw away broken toys and computers. My iPod is currently giving me a sad face icon and telling me there’s a fatal hardware issue. I keep hoping one day it will simply fix itself and work again, but every time I try to turn it on, it’s still broken. Left in its current state, I’m confident that it will remain broken forever. I’m confident of this because my iPod is helpless to fix itself.

You and I are the same way. We are helpless to fix our brokenness. And often in our Christian life, God works in many ways that break us. He uses persecution, financial hardship, sickness, loneliness and many other trials to break us of our self-sufficiency, pride, arrogance, unbelief and selfishness. He brings trials into our lives to break us of our self-dependence and to conform us to the likeness of Jesus.

Thankfully, God does not leave us broken. He breaks us of these things to restore us and create us as a vessel He can use for His glory. He disciplines us as a loving Father, who longs to see us grow and change. And He promises that this process of discipline and breaking is for the end result of producing fruit.

Prayer: Father, thank you for your love. At times that love can seem harsh and unpleasant to me. But thank you for the promise that when you break me, it is always done from a heart of love and compassion. Thank you for the promise that you are working in me to conform me to your image. Keep me trusting confidently in your care and love, no matter what trial I may face.

[copyrighted, 2009, Emily Schankweiler]

PRAYER FOR MY BLOGGIE FRIENDS

"Heavenly Father I give you thanks and praise! Even though many times I do not feel like it lately myself, You so deserve the praises of Your people!

Lord, I come before You on behalf of my bloggie friends. For some of us, it is a difficult season to endure. The painful memories of our past can dampen this time of year.

Lord, I lift each and every precious soul up to You! You know exactly what is on their hearts, and feel their pain. I pray that You answer their prayers! Dry their tears. Comfort them in their time of sorrow. Rejoice with them in their time of happiness. Give them strength and peace for the challenges they have to face today. Take their fears and insecurities. Let all feel Your love as never before!!!

I thank you again and all the glory and praise goes to You in Your precious Son's name, amen!"

HOW MANY TEARS CAN A BOTTLE HOLD?

Today has been a real emotional day! Crying a lot. Which prompted me to do a Google search on "How many tears can a bottle hold?" This article has touched me so deeply at a pivotal time in my life. I hope you will be touched as well:

"You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8

HOW MANY TEARS CAN A BOTTLE HOLD? “Put thou my tears into thy bottle,” you read, and mentally we begin to see the bottom fill and then the volume rise. How many tears will it hold? The answer depends on several things. How long have you cried? We’ve mentioned Job, he cried for at least seven days. When David’s child lay dying, he cried for at least seven days. Mary and Martha had cried for at least four days before Jesus came. Then I ask, How hard have you cried? Some years ago, we saw on the news a woman with dark glasses who sniffed and whimpered as she spoke into the television cameras, begging those who had abducted her two sons to bring them back to her. The FBI observed that for all her sniffling and whimpering, there were no tears rolling down her face. In a few short days, she confessed that she had driven the car into the lake, with her two little boys still sitting in the back seat, leaving them there to drown and to die.

Oh, but you say, my tears are real and I have cried for days. Then I ask, How big is the bottle? How should I know, it is only a figure of speech, or is it?

How big is the bottle? THE BOTTLE BELONGS TO GOD. The text says that they are my tears, but “thy bottle” and “thy book.” You do not see the bottle because it was made by Him, and it is kept by Him.

If this is so, and we know that it must be so, for God never lies, then the last and concluding thought that comes to our mind is that THE BOTTLE IS OUR TESTIMONY. It tells us first that God knows. Yes, prayer is a wonderful and a necessary thing, but it is necessary only for me. God already knows my life even before I tell him. It is necessary for my part that I tell him, when I tell him I get it off my chest and onto His. When I pray to Him and He answers, my faith is made stronger. But sometimes I forget to pray, yet He knows already, anyway. Jesus tells us that not a sparrow will fall to the ground and the Psalmist adds here that not a tear will drop from your eyes but that God will scoop it up, put it into a bottle, and keep it for his record.

“Jesus knows all about our struggle, He will guide ’til the day is done; There’s not a friend like the lowly Jesus; no, not one; no, not one.”

He is keeping every tear and he can tell you why, when, and where it was shed. With such a God as this, we can only glory with admiration at his promise of resurrection. Think of all the people who have lived and died over the centuries. Their graves have long been invaded by worms and other creatures of nature. Feet, wagons, and then cars have leveled and then hid their very existence to the point that there is probably not a square foot of ground on this earth that has not once held the dead bones of some person. Yet at resurrection time, all the bones, all the tissue, all the parts of that body that was once buried will be called back and that same exact body that was buried will stand up and be recognized by many. What a mighty God we serve!

The bottle is our testimony. We have not lived in vain if we realize that there is a God so meticulous that he gathers our tears and keeps them in a bottle. Watch the level rise ever so slowly, today a few tears, tomorrow a few more, a year from now perhaps a great torrent--even as we pray that it will not happen. One of two things is then a sure certainty: the bottle will fill or the tears will end. Life never stays the same. Tomorrow will either be better or worse, joy or laughter. The Psalmist adds more to this thought of tears in yet another place of his writing, (Ps.30:5) “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Job’s refusal to curse God and die is a testimony that has strengthened millions. And we must surely never forget that “Jesus wept.” He cares, He can do something to help us, to dry our tears. He can turn our inconsolable grief into indescribable joy. He alone can do it. Have you trusted my Jesus? He longs to save you now. Will you bow your head and ask him to do it? I pray that you will. Amen.

by Larry Parker

So, however long you cry on this earth, God will always have a big enough bottle to hold your tears.

HE UNDERSTANDS

In my morning walks and sharing time with the Lord He especially knows how hard it is for me ‘right now’ on Sunday’s going into Monday's. He knows how hard it is for me to go and worship Him at church on Sunday’s. Not saying that is a sin if you do not go and worship. But, you are missing out on the fellowship of other believers and being in the awesome presence of the Lord with others who believe alike. I certainly look forward to the day of returning soon with a renewed heart towards Him. Right now it is just hard.

I do not keep anything from Him when we chat. I might not be able to verbally share my most deep emotional pain, as there are no words for it, but He knows. And I know He knows and understands. Which makes all the difference. That is all I really need to know. That He does understand and I am NOT condemned for how I feel, think and believe.

PRAYER FOR DEPRESSION

Christmas time is the most likely time of the year to experience depression much more. December usually has a higher suicide rate than any other month.

Below, I would like to share a prayer from the internet for anyone who is experiencing depression of any kind and not only during this time of year.

I need this prayer for my own life as well:

"God in Heaven, we pray for all those undergoing depression, that the Lord will work out Your perfect will in their situation and bring about healing in Jesus Mighty Name, Amen. We ask that Jesus Christ, You are The Great Physician, please heal all those that have undergoing depression, let the fire of God destroy all causes of infirmity. We speak peace to all the patients and ask the healing virtue of Our Lord God will flow through the brain, through every vein, tissue, cell, ligament and that healing will manifest. We believe that Gods desire is manifest in your life. His desire is written in 3 John 2 “Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along.” We speak peace to all the families having which have someone undergoing depression. We speak uncommon provisions to cater for all the expenses needed to take care of the patients. We destroy every generational curses and declare that they will not continue but the blessings of God will overshadow each and every one of you. We are in agreement with Gods word in Jeremiah 30:17 “ But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds declares the LORD.” So be it, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen."

WARMTH AWAITS

Living in S. Florida we can get our share of cold weather. Today a cold front came through during the early morning hours. Not a big one. But a nice enough one that we are experiencing clear blue skies, with temps in the low 60's with a wind chill in the 50's. Anyway.... the cold did NOT stop me from swimming.

It did stop a lot of other people, but not me!! I was determined!! I wanted to!! I have been on a roll with swimming every day and I did not want to break that! And I had NO ONE to tell me I could not, i.e. mother, because 'one just does not swim when it's cold outside you will die from pneumonia!!'

Even though I had to walk to my condo's swimming pool from my apartment in the cold, I knew once I hit the water, it would be heated until I got out and before I ran into a nearby cabana to get away from what now was a bitter cold (being wet), I would be freezing my you-know-what off.

While swimming, I thought how my life is compared to the elements. Outside (the world) it can be so very cold and miserable. But, inside the heated pool (God) it can be so very cozy and comfortable.

Tomorrow, it will be just as cold here. But, I will repeat my journey to the pool. And enjoy every minute of the warmth that awaits me!

DON'T WORRY

I read this devotional for one of my readings at work when my turn came around to do morning devotionals. I found it to be very plain and simple and what the Lord would like of us. Naturally, it does not come easy for many, and it is easier said than done, but it still is a promising hope of truth!

by
Kenneth Copeland

Therefore do not worry and be anxious.
– Matthew 6:31

God is vehemently against worry. Jesus preached against it. Paul preached against it. The whole Bible preaches against worry because it was designed by Satan to produce stress, strain, and death.

Yet many of us still act as if it's an option, as if we're free to worry if we want to. But we're not! Worrying is a sin. It's one of those things the Word of God directly commands us not to do.

What are you supposed to do then with all the concerns you have about your problems? In 1 Peter 5:7, God says you should "cast them all upon Him." All. Not 75 percent of them. Not all of them but the ones about your kids. All of them!

Your confession every morning should be, "I do not have a care in this world because I've cast every one of them onto my Lord."

Let me illustrate how that works. Let's say you were standing about 20 feet away from me and I tossed my car keys to you. If someone else were to come to me and say, "Brother Copeland, I need the keys to your car. I need to use it." I would say, "I can't help you. I cast my keys over on him. I don't have them anymore."

That's what you need to do with your worries. You need to cast them over on the Lord and not take them back. If Satan brings a worried thought to your mind, saying, "What if this terrible thing happens?" then you can tell him to talk to God about it. It's in His hands, not yours!

Once you do that, changes will start to take place in your life. Problems you've been fretting about for years will start being solved. You'll no longer be tying God's hands with your worrying. His power can begin to operate because you've acted in faith and cast your cares on Him!

Remember, though, God will not take your cares away from you. You have to give them to Him. Then you have to replace those worries with the Word. You are the one who has to keep your thoughts under control. But you can do it. The Greater One dwells within you. He is able to put you over. Commit to it. You'll never have to worry again.

CHOOSING TO CHANGE

by Joyce Meyer

How serious are you about wanting change in your life? A lot of us want our lives to change…but we’re not willing to do our part.

If you really want things to change in your life—and experience the fullness of the life Jesus died to give you—here are some things that you need to do.

Spend Time with God
First, examine your priorities and see what needs to change. You can’t think spending 45 minutes or an hour in church on Sunday mornings is all you need to live in victory. Since the devil is alive and well every day, then you need a daily walk with God.

The wonderful thing is, there’s no formula. You can just be with Him. Pray, laugh, cry, talk or sit still and not open your mouth. It’s that easy.

Stand Up on the Inside
Next, you need to get serious about changing your life. Every one of us has an outer life and an inner life. Many of us want our outside circumstance to change while we stay depressed on the inside. But before you can get up on the outside, you have to get up on the inside.

You may have a circumstance in your life right now where you feel like you have no choice but to sit down. If that’s the case, tell yourself you’re going to stay enthusiastic, passionate, stirred up, excited, positive, and full of hope and faith on the inside. Make up your mind that you’re never going to quit.

Get Up and Clean Up!
In John 5 there’s a story about a man who I believe represents a lot of people who refuse to change.

During a Jewish feast in Jerusalem, Jesus visited the Bethesda pool where sick people gathered, hoping to get healed. One of the people waiting to get healed was a man who had been crippled for 38 years. When Jesus saw him, He asked if he wanted to be healed.

To me, the man’s answer tells us why he hadn’t been healed in 38 years. He said, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred.” Bottom line, the man had avoided responsibility.

His second problem was that he blamed others. The man said, “While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

How did Jesus respond? Jesus didn’t feel sorry for him. Instead, Jesus said, rather sternly, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” In other words, stop being lazy and get on with your life.

For change to occur in your life, it’s not only important that you stop being a prisoner of your circumstances. You also have to choose to become a prisoner of hope. This means being a person who cannot get away from hope. If you’ll do this, you’ll receive double of anything that’s taken away from you. That’s a promise from God.

Never Give Up!
It was a special day in my life when I realized I didn’t have to give up; I could have hope in the worst circumstances. Regardless of what the situation looks like, I believe that God can give me a breakthrough.

We all want instantaneous breakthrough, but it’s going to take time. And you may go through long periods, even years, feeling like you haven’t made any progress at all, but you have.

Most of the time change occurs daily in little increments that you don’t even notice. But if you’ll just look back after a year or two, you’ll realize that things in your life have changed.

No matter what your circumstance or situation is, you can choose to change. You can choose to hope. You can choose to never give up. You can choose to experience the life Jesus died to give you. Now get up and go!

A DOGGIE CHRISTMAS

I thought this was too cute to pass up.
This video has been making its way around
the internet, so you may have already seen it.

JUMPING THE COASTER RIDE

Riding lately the perpetual roller coaster of grief, screams loud and clear many times of wanting to get off!!!!!! Not wanting to go through the heaviness of emotional turmoil of tears. But, knowing at the same time, what comes up and out is all part of the healing! I know a lot of you can relate!

The three words below which start off this devotional sums it up best.

Still, the promises of God always has a way out, despite the pain. I pray the words below help any of you who also are struggling at this time:

Empty. Angry. Alone. If you've endured a loss, you know these feelings. You know how grief rips through your heart, making you feel like life will never be the same. Truthfully, it won't be. Time won't erase all your pain. You won't ever slip back into your old routine. When you experience a loss, your life is forever changed. Your "normal" vanishes. But that doesn't mean hope is lost.

Things may never get back to normal, but eventually you will settle into a "new normal" − you'll develop a new routine, a new mindset. Your pain will ease, and your heart will begin to heal. That may seem impossible now, but God has made you to be resilient. He created you to function and grow in a world that constantly changes. He knows you. He knows your heart. And He has a perfect plan for your life that cannot be destroyed by any amount of sorrow. Lean on Him − the God of All Comfort − to lead you out of loss and into new life.
(Hope for the Heart)

SHAME AND ITS HEALING

This past Tuesday in t. we visited the topic of nurturing/people pleasing and also the amount of shame I carry.

"A key sign of healing is that your shame becomes less. Instead of looking at somebody's watch wile you tell them what happened, you can look at their face. And then eventually you can look in their eyes and tell them, without feeling they can see what a creep you are. You can just look at someone, tell them, and say, "And I'm okay," without having to ask, "Right? I am okay, aren't I?"

There are many ways to overcome shame. The most powerful is simply talking about your abuse. Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish."
(A Courage to Heal)

Right now I only trust my t. with sharing my issues on this topic especially! Most of the time I am aware to keep eye contact going, but a lot of the time now, when talking about my shame I go within myself and look away. I am seeing the connection and understanding more how everything inter-relates in my life with the abuse, the neglect, the criticism, the abandonment, etc. How everything folds into the other.

The more I build myself up with confidence, that I am so worthy as Christ states I am, the more I will "heart" believe that my past hurts were not my fault and the shame I took on was already taken care of at the Cross.

NOT FEELING IT!

Ugh! The title describes me well this day! Already went through three posts that I took off as I was not "feeling it" comfortably. I first started off with the topic of shame and what was discussed in t. yesterday. Besides my nurturing people pleasing issues, shame is high on my list to deal with also!!

But, again, what I wrote on the topic just did not sit well with me. I will and need to post about my struggles with shame, but what flowed out from me was not of the Spirit, so off it went. The time is just not right to share about this for now. Only God knows why.

LACK THEREOF

My morning walk this morning I "felt" the Lord revealed something significant to me. Even though I keep on saying I suffer from people pleasing/co-dependency, I have always felt something is missing to this puzzle with me!

I may be totally off base, but when I think of people pleasing, that goes across the board broadly. With more than one person. That is not so for me. Never has been. I always just seek out one individual and then I become defensive if I feel others are invading my space with this one person!

Even though the topic of the lack of nurturing has come up in my t. sessions, I am inclined to believe now that this is truly a significant part to my puzzle. Since I did not get the proper nurturing as a child, I may be seeking out that nurturing which comes out in the sick way of trying to people please, but with only one.

Have t. today, so this will be good to discuss further.

HOW A CHILD LEARNS

Found this truth:

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, she learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, she learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, she learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, she learns to like herself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
(Dorothy Law Nolte)

PARCHED

Was out of it for the most part this weekend. Emotionally and physically exhausted. This past week has not been easy. All the ups and downs and the striving to change took its toll on my body especially. The worries of having to please to be accepted!! I did hibernate. My body and mind needed to to relax.

Appreciated everyone leaving an encouraging message!

I am praying for extra strength to press on for this week as I face what I need to and not be ashamed for who I am. Maybe this prayer will encourage you as well:

Father God,
Thank you that You have promised the Lord will guide me always, not just when I am up and on track, but always. Today I lean hard on that and ask You to continue to show me the way to walk. Father, sometimes I feel like a sun-scorched land…but You promise to meet my needs even there. Today I acknowledge I need You. I am parched and I look to You to give me emotional strength… spiritual insight… and physical stamina. You even promise to strengthen my frame. Thank you Father that Your tender care encompasses all of me. Help me to draw on that today and to praise You for it!
In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

CHRISTMAS AND ME

I know for many, this time of year can be very difficult. There are increases of suicides and individuals going for counselling seeking help because of feeling extremely depressed.

Christmas has always been difficult for me to enjoy. As far back as I can remember, once my parents divorced and I spent my last Christmas with my father before moving away the following month with my mother who just recently re-married it has been a painful memory. My family was split apart. My mother's new marriage with someone who really did not celebrate Christmas and even the yearly visits after the divorce with my father during Christmas were never the same. New people were introduced into my life from both sides that I had no control over. But had to endure as a child.

Sure I know the true meaning of Christmas, and I am ever grateful for that!

In time, I pray my heart will once again return with the excitement of a child waking up on Christmas day. But, for now I cannot wait until the season is over.

MELTDOWN

I feel I am experiencing a meltdown. Total one or not? I do not know. Will have to see. I hate these rollercoaster rides!!!! Up down Up down Up down Up down! I hate this part of the journey! Just let me get off!!! I feel empty and depleted. Hibernating sounds so very good now.

MANIPULATION

FIRST
I feel led to pray for my bloggie friends. As I have noticed this past week it has been a real challenge for some of you emotionally and/or physically! I am so very sorry for your pain!

"Dear One, I pray in the Mighty Name of Jesus for a total healing in your body, soul and mind! May All the attacks from the enemy be squashed and you be restored full! May you see and feel a change quickly in the name of Jesus! Amen!"

I too can relate that this week has been REALLY taxing on my body and emotions!!!!! So much, to my amazement how deep my emotional pain is!!!!

Seriously, you have to be careful for what you ask for from God (as in Jabez), because He will honor it! When I say I am willing to go through the surgery and pain of my journey, He takes me literally! Oh yes He does! Ouch! 10,000 times over!!!

This devotional I certainly can relate to at present!!!! DESIRING to take control! DESIRING to know the next step! DESIRING to know how MUCH longer must I endure the pain of my journey!

I wonder if you too will see yourself as well in the words below?

You probably don't see yourself as being "power-hungry," but power plays an intimate role in each of our lives. We all have a need to control our circumstances. In childhood, we throw tantrums to get our way. By adulthood, we've mastered the art of manipulation. In fact, you could be a manipulator, or the one being manipulated, and not even realize it!

Manipulation isn't wrong only because it's dishonest and selfish. Manipulation happens when humans take control of their own circumstances in order to have their needs met. We're not designed to meet our own needs. Only God can do that. He's designed your heart to need Him. He's made the world to thrive under His power. Trust the One who directs the birds' song, commands the seas, and knows the stars by name. Ask Him to help you surrender your heart. With your life in His hands instead of your own, you'll find lasting security. (Hope for the Heart)

Lord I pray that my heart will surrender to you fully today as best it understands to. I desire to cut the strings of control! Thank you!

SPEAKING YOUR JOURNEY

Thus far my speaking of my truth has been on my blog, to my t. and a couple of people I trust IRL.

I especially like the bolded part!

“There’s enormous power in speaking your truth. As poet Audre Lorde wrote, “Your silence will not protect you.” Although there are risks in speaking out, there are dangers in staying silent as well. While it is important to establish a strong foundation before you enter into a truth-telling conversation or difficult disclosure, never doubt your right to tell the truth about your life.”
(The Courage to Heal)

MAN WILL ALWAYS DISAPPOINT

Man will always disappoint us and cause us grief in many forms. That is why I am fighting fiercely not to people please anymore!!!!! Only leads to major disaster and severe emotional hurt!!! Something I want so desperately to be set free from now!!!

My painful people pleasing relationships of the past were nothing but toxic!! Even though I knew they were, I still pursued the sick relationships in order to feel accepted and complete. Despite knowing in the end I would end up crashing emotionally once the relationship was over. That is the sickness of people pleasing!! This is NOT an easy battle to be won!!!!

Basically all my life I aimed to please. Just yesterday in t. I was able to recall around the young age of 8 or 9 I started trying to please one friend over another. So, all through the years I was able to master my craft. Yeah, master it, but the end result would always be the same!!!! Hurt, failure, defeat, disappointment!

There will be many storms and people that will continue to come my way, but God wants me to take these things to Him and allow Him to replace my fear and anxieties with faith and trust and to let Him look after these issues for me.

Long and hard road ahead of me! But I choose the healthy road now. I am willing to face the pain and go through the surgery (even though I may still resist) and press on!!

DESIRES

I am at a loss for expressing my pain right now and connecting. Decided to visually create something. Had to think long and hard for what the Lord could use me for.

MY LITTLE GIRL

Reverted to 'my little girl' a lot of the time today in t. Was a tough session. 'My little girl' finds it extremely difficult understanding and putting words to feelings that are just not there now. Pain is evident!

PAINFULLY PAINFUL

I hurt emotionally so freaking bad!

I feel I am at a "very weak point" in my journey!

Probably is the worst I have ever felt. I desire having friends so much, but at the same time I desire now to be independent so much more!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE ENMESHED anymore! I want healthy relationships. I do not feel fullfilled!!!I want to run and hide!!! Sometimes, I wonder if I will be able to make it. If actually my thinking will be able to change for the better!

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel the dread of "I cannot believe I have to face the same scenario over again today. A never ending loop of the same crap again! I do not even want to get out of bed!" It takes everything in me to force myself out of my home in the morning to go to work and pretend I am okay.

I am finding it extremely difficult to just sit back and mend and "just be" and say to God, "help me through the pain of feeling failure, rejection and shame." Mainly because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. But, I do it anyway. I manage to get the words out in desperation. Even though I can say to myself over and over again, that human beings will always disappoint, it still does not ease the pain when they do. I still desire the acceptance from my fellowman. I want to feel special. I want to be liked. But, I do not like how I try and attain my acceptance through trying to please!!!

I want so much one day to actually be able to feel God's acceptance!! Not just head knowledge!! I am NOT at that place yet, and it hurts so bad that I am not. Sadly, at this point I continue to substitute His love for the love that I am "trying" to gain from others. A battle that will never be won this way! So why do it you ask? Conditioned.....

Please do not tell me not to beat up on myself. I have no other way of explaining how I feel except by digging deep within and relaying my pain here as best I can. Sometimes there are just no words for the amount of pain one experiences. The pain as I conclude is so real that I hope what I do share comes across genuine. I am not here to sugar-coat my feelings, then I would not be real.

AWARD

Since there is so much award giving going on, I thought I would get into the action once again. April of this year is when I first introduced the "Just Be Real" Award. It was easier back then, as I only had a few great blogging buddies!

Now-a-days my blogging buddies have increased tremendously and you all are so very special that I wanted to share this award with everyone!!

Being I do not want to leave anyone out, please, please, please feel free to copy and paste the html in the box already provided below if you care to be "Be Real." No other requirements. I am simple.


<a href="http://justbereal77.blogspot.com"><img src="http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/8706/awardj.jpg"/></a>

Purpose in my Tears!

I had a great heaving of tears this afternoon stemming from feeling the pain of rejection! The picture reflects exactly how I cry. Always the hands to the face. Even alone, as in shame!

Despite my pain and its purpose towards healing, the tears felt good to release!

EVIL and SUFFERING

I know a lot of us, if not all of us, question the evil and suffering in the world. Especially, we who have been abused.

Why? “Why did this person do this?" "Why did this horrible tragedy take place?" "Why didn’t anyone do anything prevent this?” ...

All of these questions ultimately lead to the issue:
“Why does God permit such evil to exist in the world?”

This question has plagued prophets, kings, philosophers, teachers, preachers and pundits alike. More than 2,600 years ago the prophet Habakkuk leveled this very complaint against God. He cried out, “Why do you idly look at traitors and are silent when the wicked swallows up the man more righteous than he?” (Habakkuk 1:13). Centuries before Habakkuk, a man named Job cried out to God asking a similar question: “Why do the wicked live, reach old age, and grow mighty in power? Their offspring are established in their presence, and their descendants before their eyes. Their houses are safe from fear, and no rod of God is upon them” (Job 21:7-9).

The prophet Habakkuk sought an answer to his question about the fairness and goodness of God in the presence of unthinkable evil, suffering and injustice. The answer that he found is the same answer that we still find today: God is Sovereign and is at work in human history to accomplish His plan (Jeremiah 29:11). And, in spite of what may suggest the contrary, His ultimate good will triumph.

Like Job, Habakkuk discovered that God is neither indifferent nor insensitive. He is neither apathetic nor absent. In the midst of the worst catastrophe, God is present. He is at work for the good of His children, and He is full of compassion to comfort them in the midst of their tears.

Though neither Job nor Habakkuk had all of their questions answered, they found an unassailable comfort and hope in the midst of their most unimaginable suffering. They discovered the sovereignty of God even in the face of tragedy. This is why we do not lose hope: God’s goodness, justice and righteousness will ultimately prevail even when our circumstances appear to be hopeless!

This side of eternity, we will never know the answers to all of our “whys.” But we can and do know that God is at work, even in the midst of a tragedy. Like Habakkuk, we can declare:

“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.” (Habakkuk 3:17-19)
(Hope for the Heart)

FEAR NOT!

Ho do you view fear?

Fear can be irrational for me at times. This is when I have to try and put the fear into its proper perspective. Even these past few days with my new goal of "just being" is scary in itself because of the uncertainty! I have to talk to myself, remember who I am in Christ!

Having a very fearful and CONTROLLING mother who would anticipate the worst and share with me her concerns was not very encouraging growing up. On top of that, having a mother who would not let me do the simplest things and say "I could not do it right" did not help any either! I would just stand there feeling incompetent, stupid and useless. Still, I viewed this as normal. "Don't do this. Don't do that. Oh, no this could happen." I remember her fears would paralyze me in to thinking not to even go out after dark as a teenager. I literally could not stand up for myself. My mother would be my voice among people. Sick as it was, when I first went into the work force around 18, my mother would go with me on job interviews and talk for me. No wonder I never got the job. I was so freaking embarrassed!!

My dad was completely the opposite. A very critical man who would get on my case as to "why I could not do this, why I could not do that." I developed my own fear of trying to please him, but I really could not, because at the time I did not know how. Not because I did not want to, but I did not have the resources, as I was not allowed by my mother!

To this day, my mother still has tremendous fear. She fears the economy. She fears the government. She fears this and that. She fears for me, etc. The list could go on and on. But, thank God, I am more aware of her irrationalities and I can process them better and quicker. I even chuckle at some of the things that make her afraid now-a-days. As they can be so ridiculous. Unfortunately she gets offended if I make light of the situation.

Now, coming face-to-face with my past through counseling, my fears tend to immobilize me. Even though irrational at times, I am accepting these fears as NOT being my fault! They were ingrained upon me growing up! Being sexually abused was NOT my fault either!! Being abused has its own category and tends to be a different kind of fear all on its own and has to be dealt with different, I think?

The short article below shares and asks "what role does fear play in your life?" I do hope you can benefit from the words!

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”(Isaiah 43:1-2)

Fear can be your foe or your friend. When you find yourself in the path of a frightening storm - whether figurative or literal - fear can be a paralyzing force spiraling you down into the depths of darkness ... or a propelling motivator moving you to higher ground. As the storm approaches, fear can be like a deadbolt lock keeping your mind confined ... or like a loud alarm warning you to move to safety. What role does fear have in your life? Immobilizer or energizer ... foe or friend? What you do in the face of fear identifies its role in your life. Instead of being paralyzed by fear, allow your fear to move you to entrust your life to the Lord. Come to see the Lord as your only place of safety. He promises that He will not only be with you, but that He will also lead you through your fear. (Hope for the Heart)

NOT ENJOYING JUST BEING

Today has been one hell of a rough day for me emotionally! Been on edge most of the day!

Looking at the day and its activities, I am amazed that I am having such difficulty dealing with life. I mean the things I have been experiencing now, never used to bother me as much in the past. It is like every freaking thing in my body is so sensitively heighten now. I cry at the oddest things and at the oddest times. I feel I need to know what is going on around me with people more than I ever did! And if I do not know, I am upset. It is like I am driven now! What’s up with that???? Am I trying to compensate because I am trying to “just be?”

Then, the people I encounter that I care about are affecting me in such a way, I question that “it is just too good to be true. That they actually care enough about me to include me in activities and conversations. That they actually think I am worthy enough to socialize with.” Then fear right away comes into my mind that this will all end tomorrow. It never lasts. It is a farce! I did NOT perform well! Why bother? Then..... I try and take captive the negative thoughts before they get out of hand and claim the victory in the named of Jesus!

Is what I am going through all because my walls have come down??? I feel I am going in reverse. That I am not stronger, but weaker. I feel I have no defenses. Am I seeing and understanding this correctly? Should I even be saying “Am I seeing and understanding this correctly?” Or is that part of controlling?

What a freaking work-out emotionally I think I put myself through unnecessarily!!! I do hope this part of the process will eventually be quick!!

Right now I am NOT enjoying "Just Being."

No wonder I look forward to sleep! Sleep has become my best friend these days. I can just shut down for a few hours and try and relax!

Sorry for the craziness of this post! I feel so erratic!

WORDLESS

SPLIT

I am really struggling today. My spirit is so unsettled. Went through three posts today already and very anxious.

Really hate feeling this turmoil. I am not content. I feel on edge and irritable. I feel like I am going to explode with all this 'energy' going on inside of me! I am getting a lot of 'stinking thinking' that I am doing my best with replacing it with the truth of God that I am worthy, I am loved, I do have purpose!! I want so bad to crawl back into my shell, my comfort zone! Every inch of my being wants to run!!!

BUT....... I will let these feelings play out and try and not get upset about it and "just be" and see what God has to reveal to me during this time!! UGH!!!!! Really hate this part, the feeling part that is!!!

I feel just like this bird. Split and stuck. Cannot move either way. Holding on to both sides. Desiring both solutions. Only knowing one can be had.

SELF WORTH

Daddy, as I fall upon my knees before you this morning, I deeply cry out!!!!!

"Let my self worth be found in You alone!" Amen!!

GOD'S BIRTHING SOMETHING NEW IN ME

Yes He is. If I let Him. The pain I am going through, is just labor pains to something glorious!! What He has in store for me is something that will be truly wonderful and awesome!!!

HARD TO DIGEST MY HAPPY WORMS

First off, thank you all for your continued prayers and your faithfulness in standing by me!!!

Well, it has been interesting to say the least thus far. The word "love" seems to be on everybody's lips that I encounter. From great blogging buddies, television programs i.e. Joyce Meyer, Beth Moore to IRL conversations and hugs with friends and co-workers. Either I had tuned out that word so often it just did not register, when now all of a sudden that is all I seem to hear! I hear the word, am more aware of it being said, and at this time just feels weird that I am paying so much attention to the word "love."

I try and lie still in my recovery bed as my wings mend having difficulty digesting my happy worms and "just being." Looking to and fro wondering, unfortunately, what is next? This process is not easy!! I am scared so very scared in having to give up my control!! I am uncertain!! I do not like this one bit!!

And like clockwork, the spiritual world has been a bit more active. Satan and his cronies are right at work. They sense "my" victory down the line! They are panicking. Heightening their interest in me, they have decided to attack my physical well-being and my self-worth aggressively.

Many times the day after t. I can be really out of it. I have not been that way in a long time though, until yesterday. Waking up extremely drained, splitting headache and just barely holding on. I forced myself to work, only to leave in the early afternoon. Then to crash right away once arriving home and then sleep another 12 hours. I was so very exhausted. The much needed rest boosted me and this morning I feel well enough to go to work. Would rather not, but that is only because I do not want to deal with my people issues and the pain of possible rejection! I am so raw. I do not want to get hurt.

With my people issues I want to force myself to fly anyway with my broken wings. Forget about mending! Just fly in the opposite direction!!!! But, I must remind my very scared bird brain that I need to rest, to be still, to trust! My little heart does not like it!! And when you are not feeling 100% everything can affect your whole perception. I mean I have enough problems with my current perception on life, I do not need any additional help to make it worse.

HAPPY WORMS

Today's t. session proved to be a definite eye opener for me! Not gonna be easy with what I have to deal with at present.

My t. sees me as a broken winged little bird. A broken winged bird, that is needy. And that it is okay to be needy. Lay in my birdie hospital bed. Not worry what other birds are doing flying about. Not worry to have a bird plan or to be in bird control. Just let God take care of me, feed me my happy worms. Satisfy my tummy. Surrender! Just Be!

Okay, all that being said. I went on to say, "What is the plan?" "How must I respond while laying in bed?" "Why can't I perform and be like all my other feathered friends??" "Why, why why or chirp, chirp cheep, cheep?"

Ain't your plan was repeated to my "bird brain!" Plan again is..... Need rest. Need healing. Need to surrender. Need my wings healed. Need to eat my happy worms. And the biggest need now is to be able to accept God's love into my heart. To be able to believe it.


Above picture.
I envision
Jesus lovin' on me.
My dear bloggie friends, when I read your words to me, yes I am very touched. But, I must admit, since I am a broken fowl, it is very hard for me to accept your love and compassion! It has always been this way. I am not good at receiving! Just another piece of the pie to my healing as I lay in ICU, a/k/a 'God Sees Me,' and just receiving what God has to offer me. What you all have to offer me.

At this particular time, I ask that if any of you would like to come along side of me in prayer as I recover my brokenness, I warmly welcome it.