MY HEART IS DEPRESSED

This is a reassuring post.

There is a section in this blurb below taken from the internet that I highlighted that sticks out to me and makes so much sense personally. I truly believe this is what happened to me. I have been living with a heaviness of sadness and depression most of my life.

Unfortunately, for most of us our emotional pain started way before we could comprehend what was happening to us. We just lived with what the symptoms produced from the pain, i.e. shame, guilt, condemnation and did our best to carry on with life. We took other avenues in life, some not healthy, that were not originally intended for us to take to cope with the pain.

We all used different techniques to survive to suppress and temporary ease the pain. We became creative in our ways in our own minds (as for me) how to block out the pain during and after. How to stuff the agony. Eventually our hurting heart became a part of us. We accepted it. We shut down our feelings. All the while deep down knowing something was still wrong and still very painful.

As we became older, we grew seemingly outward. We aged. Our depressed heart unfortunately of pain remained at the age it was hurt so long ago. It never caught up to our outward growth.

But that was NOT God's intention. God intends for us to live with a heart that is full of life and joy. We can have our heart back to its original state! Amen! I believe that. I am on the way to receiving back what was stolen from me. But first until we realize that there is a problem and seek help, the emotional pain will remain.

Does getting out of bed seem to be harder each day? Is visiting with friends a challenge? No matter how much you try, do you feel "stuck"? You're not alone. Millions of people suffer from depression, including Christians. Feeling weighed down by stress is normal, but God designed your heart to rebound from such stress. Sometimes, though, you're pressed down for so long that your heart becomes depressed, unable to bounce back without intervention. At this point, you need to seek help from friends, Christian counselors and you may need to use medication. The best help, however, is from the One who knows your pain, cares deeply for you, and is able to heal. His help is always free and always available.

The Bible has many examples of God's people who were depressed. You can follow their example by crying out to God, by remembering His faithfulness, and by putting your hope in Him. In your darkest hour, He won't abandon you. He's beside you, even when you can't feel Him. Ask Him to remind you of His presence when the loneliness seems unbearable. He will reassure you − maybe through His Word or maybe through a friend.


.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

RIGHT TO HAVE BOUNDARIES

****MAY TRIGGER****

The Spirit is having me write two posts this morning. Only He knows why.

We have the right to have boundaries. I wish I knew what boundaries were back when I was being molested by my older brother when I was growing up.

Many of us grew up having our boundaries severely compromised. Most of the time we knew no better. When my brother was sexually abusing me, I knew no better. I did not like what he was doing to me. I did not understand why he was doing what he was doing to me. I was too young to know that he SHOULD not have been violating my body, touching me in places that made me feel uncomfortable. I did not understand my body responding to his touch and he making me do things with him that I did not understand or like. As I type this I feel my anxiety level rise. I feel the uneasiness now that I felt back then. I did not know how to enforce boundaries. I did not know how to say "no." I was so scared. I hid, but only to be found.

My sexual abuse along with the emotional neglect from my father and my parents divorce all going on at the same time, is one of the hardest things for me to go through in my healing on my journey. What had happened to me corrupted my minds thinking on what sex should really be like and intended for.

The Spirit of late has be probing into my core's heart on this one. Especially on Sondays when I am full on fire under the anointing. At that time, I do not hold back. I cannot. My spirit man is so open to the Holy Spirit it is like "Boom." Healing in this area has been a toughie and painful one for me and will take time to heal. The outright shame that I still hold today (but am in the process of being healed).

My heart's desire from day one on my journey was to one day break through to the other side "free." Had no clue how the Spirit would move in me. But, then one cannot put God in a box. He will minister to us individually in our own special way.

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

HOPE IN THE JOURNEY

"Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure." 1 John 3:2-3

Christians do not believe about life that 'what you see is what you get'. Quite to the contrary, Christians believe that many things we cannot now see are still part of God's plans for us. Some days we cannot see (or maybe even imagine) what it would be like to be completely recovered. But we know that this is God's plan for us. God is committed to our full recovery. As this text puts it, God will not be done with us until we are 'like him'. That is as 'recovered' as you can get.

The clarity of God's plan for us can give us hope. It may be a difficult journey, but you can get somewhere from here. We can make it because God is involved in the process of our transformation. This hope can give us a kind of purity of purpose and vision. Because God is committed to our full recovery, we are not alone with our hopes and dreams. Because God is committed to our full recovery, we have a power greater than our own to help with the struggle. Because God is committed to our full recovery, we can find rest and courage in the purity of God's vision for us.

Because God is committed to our full recovery, we can let go of our pathetic little idol gods and turn to the true and living God. When we worshipped a god-of-impossible-expectations, we became driven and compulsive. When we worshipped a god-who-abused, we became fearful and frozen. When we worshipped a god-who-keeps-his-distance, we fought despair. As we begin to see God as loving, we come to believe that we are lovable. As we begin to see that God wants us to let go of our self-destructive behaviors in order to live more fully, we come to believe that we are precious and valuable.

What I see, Lord,
is not always a very pretty picture.
I long for you to appear.
If you enter the picture, everything changes.
Seeing you changes everything
because I know that when I see you,
I am changed.
Seeing you transforms me.
Sink this hope deep within me, Lord.
Purify me with this hope.
Thank you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

The above it so very true. There is hope in the journey. Even though our journey can still be very rough and painful, I can vouch for that, God is certainly committed to our full recovery. He wants us to be all that we can be. He is not finished with us until He is done with us and we are like Him. He is in the transforming business! Wow.

Even now, as my desire to be with Him has intensified I have noticed this. I wish I could remain in the FULL presence of the Holy Spirit all the time. I do not know if that is humanly possible? Sure, He dwells in me all the time. But to have Him manifested in me 24/7, I guess that would be too much for my human body to handle. Until I get to Glory that is.

When the anointing does fall upon me, WoW that is something truly awesome. Something I wish could last forever. Like I said, until I get to Glory will this be possible. I know for a fact that I am being transformed here. The Spirit is reaching deep within my soul to my pain and ministering to me. The transformation process for me personally is in the Spirit which is greater. What I experience now is just preparation for my final destination. Amen!

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ARE YOU A GOOD LISTENER?

Listening takes skill. I mean to really listen to someone.

I was one that never talked over anyone while they were speaking, but was I listening?

Many times I was thinking ahead for an answer in order to if they would ask my opinion I would not come off sounding stupid or ridiculous. I felt I HAD to have an answer. I HAD to fix their problem.

BUT...... when I went ahead and tried to figure out an answer in my mind to their question while they were telling me their heart wrenching story, I found myself not paying full attention to what was being said. Thus, my reply was at times off the wall and I missed the mark. So it did not matter in the least.

I felt my father did not listen to me. Also my mother. But my dad in particular was not a good listener. He had not the patience. Many times no eye contact. Probably why I rush through my conversations at time. I feel on my end people get tired of what I have to say or am saying. So I make it quick. Trying to improve on my self worth in this area, that I do in fact have something to say and is worth listening to.

I was ridiculed in school and laughed at because I was considered the dumb one. So, I really felt I did not have an opinion.

Yes, I have so improved in this area over the years. When someone begins to talk, I shut up. I do not talk over them ready with a reply or talk over them to give "what happened to me also" story and not let them finish. I wait now. Sometimes I am anxious to give a reply. But, try and wait. I concentrate now in exactly what they are saying, feeling and displaying in their actions.

I do not look ahead to see how "I appear." I do not look ahead to see if, "my answer will be correct." Although I have to fight the fear of coming off not paying attention or missing the mark still. It is hard for me. And if I am incorrect with a reply, I continue to learn that it is okay and not take what I think is failure to help someone is in fact okay. Not to beat myself up about it.

It is like with anything new. When we learn over and over again and do over and over again, the process will become easier to attain. To God Be The Glory.

The devotional below shares on listening. Can you relate?:

Listen carefully to my words, let this be the consolation you give me. Job 21:1

Listening should be easy. But it is not. At a minimum, listening means that we have to be quiet. We cannot listen when we are talking. Not talking is the hard part. There are many reasons for this. We prefer talking over listening because it gives us a sense of control. We can control the silences between words by choosing when to talk. Since silences of even a few seconds can cause our anxiety to increase, we fill the silence with words even when we really have nothing to say.

It is a remarkable experience to have someone really listen -- to have someone's undivided attention and interest. When someone listens, they communicate to us on a very deep level that we are valuable. Their listening breaks our isolation and aloneness. And it decreases the fears which come when our thoughts and feelings are confused. Talking out loud in the presence of a person who listens carefully allows us to gain clarity and perspective. Gradually, being listened to can begin to convince us that we are worth someone's attention and worth being loved.

When someone listens with respect and acceptance we are comforted and consoled. Our pain is soothed. Our burden is lightened.

Thank you, Lord, for those who listen to me.
And thank you for the people who
trust me enough to allow me to listen to them.
Give me the courage to talk honestly.
Give me the grace to listen well.
Amen.


Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

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MEET BOO (GIRL or BOY)

After church today I went and got me a new budgie/parakeet. Replacing my precious bird that died a month ago. Well nothing could really replace the other, but you know what I mean.

Right now it is too young to tell if it will be a boy or girl. Nevertheless, their name will be "Boo-girl" or "Boo-boy." Something other than Chipper. Had about 34 Chippers since childhood. Time for a name change.

Zeb, my cockatiel, is unaware of the bird. "Boo-something or other" is quiet as a mouse. Scared to death. Which is normal at the beginning.

Both of them will be separated for the next year in different rooms. Does sound cruel, but this will be the only way I can train the budgie and have its full attention. Usually one should quarantine a new pet from other pets for 60 days. In doing so this prevents the possibility of it having some illness that was not detected earlier be transferred to another bird.

The first few weeks are very crucial. I have to move slowly around its cage, talk gently to it, soothe it, for right now it is scared silly. All it has now is this big human coming towards it daily and no little bird friends any more. Then gradually will have it step up on my finger and let it out of its cage. Right not its wings are clipped, but eventually in a few months the feathers will grow in. By then I should have been able to at least train "Boo-what's its name" to at least stay on my finger.

Thank you Lord for this little gift.

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STRETCHING

I am in a new season for being stretched!

God is stretching me and I really do NOT like it at all.

I knew this would happen though.

I did not pray against the growth.

But I certainly do not welcome it.

Nope NOT AL ALL!!

I want my comfort.

Part of the stretching is TRUSTING Him during this growth period. Trusting Him that He will be right there with me through the worst of it. The tears, the uncertainty, the fears.

This growth period is between God and I only.

He is the only one that knows the particulars that have been going on in me for a couple of weeks now.

Only He and I know about this.

It is not that I am trying to hide what I am going through and struggling with. The Spirit is quiet within me on this matter to want to share at this point. Or if ever at all.

That is why I am referring to the stretching as "it."

God wants me to run to Him right now on this one.

No human intervention at this point.

I am in total agreement with Him on this one where "it" is only He and I.

I knew "this" one would eventually come up and would have to be dealt with.

It has been waiting in the wings until I was a bit stronger and able to see some things as I journey on.

It is a toughie though. A BIG ONE FOR ME!

Something that will take time to heal and overcome.

It has been a driving force within me for as long as I can remember.

I still cover it up well around people to this day. As it is very painful and find difficult to admit for fear of being hurt.

I only ask for your prayers as the reason I share what I have. God wants me to start dealing with "it" now.

I really need your support as I enter this new phase. Particularly in hearing clearly what the Lord wants me to do. Most importantly that I be open and not fight what He says. As my flesh will want to in a bad way not do this!

You all are very special to me.

Off to church now....



.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

We Interupt Your Day

I am hurting for a good laugh.


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MINIMIZING

Until I became honest with myself that I had some serious issues going on, I minimized a whole lot in my life. Including my emotions.

The fact that I even knew I was sexually abused by my brother on a number of occasions, did not bother me. Call it what it is JBR, "incest." Although I thought. Always having an excuse that what he did to me was not really that bad at all. Never putting two and two together as to why I could not carry on any type of intimate relationship later on in life with the opposite sex without severely panicking.

Before becoming a Christian, I recall on some dates how I felt the blood just drain from my body and I would break out in a cold sweat from sheer fear when things were hot and heavy.

What I was experiencing at the time besides fear and panic, but had no words for was anxiety, shame and despair. My mind was so distorted. I believed I was not normal. Something mentally was wrong with me. What would my date think? I thought I was going to die. I felt I could not escape. I felt overpowered. I would become physically sick. Why could I not follow through? Duh.

My fears and self protection blocked what was truth. I so desired to be loved and have the ability to give it back. But could not because of what was done to me.

It irks me now when I hear or read about someone quoting, "yeah, but the abuse only happened one time to you." That is all it takes. Only one time. One time can equal a life time for many of us.

God's intention was for me to feel valued and to feel loved and be able to respond and give love in a healthy relationship.

As I continue through t. the fears that are brought out into the light that have distorted my thinking in not only intimate relationships but relationships in general have and continue to produce healing.

Right now it is easier for my mind to receive God's healing. Then one day in my heart. Same with God's love. Right now it easier to penetrate my mind. Slowly though, His love is making its way down to my heart.

I am believing that once His love finds my heart when I am open to receiving, I will be able to see myself in a new light. Compassion in its fullness will move in. Understanding myself as well as others will become clearer. And joy will settle snuggly within me. All in the realm of His love.

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

KNOWING GOD BETTER

As I have been heading out on my new path in recovery, my Sonday Morning Deep Cleaning with the Lord has not only been a time of interceding for my church, the body of Christ, but a time the Lord is taking also to heal me.

The devotional shares below the two things that are needed to know God better which are wisdom and revelation.

During recovery, wisdom (internal) weeds out the distorted impurities of our soul. The lies that we believed and were taught about ourselves growing up. Revelation (external) reveals God showing Himself to us.

If we are open, the Spirit will reveal the truth to us. About ourselves. The stinkin' thinkin.' Our deepest pain. What makes us tick.

I find I have a pretty sensitive Spirit. At times my Spirit is very sensitive that I can sense many things that are going on within me and also around me from others. When things "do not sit well in my Spirit" it is like a heaviness I feel in my gut. At those times I know I need to pay attention. Look at what is happening at the moment. Something is being shown to me. Take heed. I do not always heed though. My humanness gets in the way many-a-time. And I miss or do something I should not have.

Still, I want to grow closer to God. To be filled beyond measure with His Spirit. To experience all that He has to offer me! To gain back what was rightfully mine but stolen so long ago. Especially my joy!

"In the name of Jesus Christ, I claim to regain my joy back this day! Amen!"

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father,
may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him
better." Ephesians 1:17

Paul kept asking God that his friends would be able to know God better. He clearly did not think of the Christian life as a one-time event. This text assumes that to become a Christian is to enter a lifetime process of learning to see and know God better.

The two things needed for this process are wisdom and revelation. Wisdom is something internal. During recovery the Spirit works within us to make us wise. This involves weeding out all of the distorted ideas and distorted thinking processes which supported our denial system. The Spirit is capable of removing our 'stinking thinking' and making us wise. The second thing we need in the recovery process is revelation. Revelation is external to us - it is God's self-disclosure to us. Without an external frame of reference, we are perfectly capable of creating a reality of our own choosing. Our denial is capable of creating a comprehensive alternate reality with no external checks or balances. During recovery, the Spirit works to reveal to us what is true, what is real. As a result we gradually learn that there is a reality beyond our pretense and denial.

The purposes of the Spirit's work is to help us grow in our capacity to know God. The goal is not just knowing lots of facts about God. To know a person is to share life with that person. It is a quest of the heart. As our wounded hearts are changed, we will be empowered to know God better.

I need wisdom. Lord.
Help me to be wise.
I need revelation, Lord.
Show me.
Let me see.
Spirit of Wisdom
Spirit of Revelation
Fill my heart today
So that I may
know you better.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

SLOW DOWN

Seems all through my life I have been in a hurry. A lot has to do with my upbringing. Rushing through projects most of the time because I wanted to please and be noticed. I desired acceptance any way I could get it. Later on in life I would hurry a lot due to being anxious, angry, frustrated, and still have the tendency to want to please, oh yeah!

The song "Slow Down" by Chuck Girard captivates me. I finally found the full version on the internet. Took awhile. I am praying that the link will work for you all! It should load up and play right away.

The song to me is a very powerful. I took to heart, but really did not apply to my life.

The song was recorded in 1975. Before I even became a Christian. And some 13 years later I heard the song the first time on a local Christian radio station around 1:00 a.m. as I was just dozing off from a long hard packed filled day. I fell in love with the song, but not its meaning.

At the time my life was so full with busyness. I was involved full time in the Deaf Ministry at my church. Involved in church activities. Involved with a major dysfunctional co-dependent relationship which took a lot of hard word to maintain. Involved with so many on-going sport activities, softball, volleyball, and bowling that kept me busy close to 24/7. I was at the lowest for my weight, and loving the attention it brought. I felt important, noticed and worthy.

Had what I thought were friends, but in reality were not. I did not build on the relationships, as I did not know how. I certainly knew how to use people though. I was just there soaking in whatever attention I could suck out of them. Even the opposite sex. Knowing all along in my mind a relationship was not going to happen. I would string the guys along then drop them. Oh I could put on an act. I wore so many masks back then. When those masks would be on, I would even amaze myself. I could be such a bold and determined fake individual and do things and say things that I knew really were not me just to be accepted. But, the constant work at keeping up this front was exhausting.

And all the while in the back of my mind I knew this "fast paced self centerness lifestyle I was leading" and seeking after would one day come to an end. Which it did. And it was not subtle. Talk about a crash and burn. And I was a Christian mind you!

I knew I was racing here and there, enjoying the fast pace and what attention it brought. Although at the same time knew deep in my heart I needed to slow down. But did not. I just "liked the idea" I could slow down.

So when I heard this song I loved the song and played the cassette non stop for really the beauty of the music, forget the lyrics.

Now, if you would ask me today if the song means something to me, I can honestly say, "yes it does." The words are very meaningful to me and my relationship to God. I am in the process of trying to apply them as I continue on my journey. But, back then, nah the words were just words! I thought I was applying the words to my life, but I was not. I did not want to give up the "self glory."

Click on the link below.

Slow Down by Chuck Girard


This song really is very slow and beautiful. I love the violins. In fact there are really some good songs from Chuck during this time period. It really is a great CD.

In the midst of my confusion
In the time of desperate need
When I am thinking not too clearly
A gentle voice does intercede

Slow down, slow down, be still
Be still and wait, on the Spirit of the Lord
Slow down and hear His voice
And know that He is God

In the time of tribulation
When I'm feeling so unsure
When things are pressing in about me
Comes a gentle voice so still, so pure

Slow down, slow down, be still
Be still and wait, on the Spirit of the Lord
Slow down and hear His voice
And know that He is God
And know that He is God

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

SEXUAL ABUSE

There is no doubt in my mind that being sexually abused has had an affect on me.

My view on sex and what true love is in a relationship has been skewed terribly because of being molested by my older brother on a number occasions when I was I believe between the age of 7-9 years old.

From my teenage years to adulthood when I would have that occasional date(s)and let mainly boys have their way with me and even a recent memory popping up of having a wonderful and patient steady boyfriend later in my teen years which lasted over a year, only to be marred by eventually getting too hot and heavy in the relationship and not being able to cope with it. That was just the beginning of me not being able to handle intimacy anymore. Something was drastically wrong! Something was wrong with me I thought and believed so many years! At the time never did I think what happened to me as a child had anything to do with the way I reacted and responded to affection.

I have had time to process this past weekend with my brother. Undoubtedly his visit brought out some stuff in me. I do not believe what surfaced was the core of pain from my abuse though. For now, just surface emotions which consisted of irritability and frustration. This time last year though, I did not even have that much.

I do not know, maybe I am asking too much right now. Maybe I am just not at that point yet or ever need to be?

Anyway, I found this short article below taken from the internet. Shares how being sexually abused as a child can brainwash you to believe that you are unlovable. The following sentence stands out for me: " Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart." My heart has not felt safe in a long time and has been wounded no doubt and fear certainly did settle in. But, there is hope, which I am hanging on to and that God is in the restoring business. Like a piece of clay, He is in the process of carefully restructuring and remolding my heart back to what it was intended to be and clearing out the cobwebs of my skewed thoughts and memories:

"Childhood sexual abuse is an umbrella term that covers a variety of inappropriate actions with children for the sexual gratification of an older child or adult. Such exploitation is like a violent storm that leaves a chilling aftermath of fear and devastation.

A child victim of sexual abuse is any boy or girl under the age of eighteen who has suffered a single experience or many experiences of sexual abuse.

Childhood sexual abuse brainwashes its victims into believing that they are unlovable … or they will no longer be loved if “people find out.” What they perceive to be conditional love buries their secret all the more. Children who have experienced the trauma of sexual abuse need not only a physical haven of safety, but also an emotional haven for the wounded heart. One needs to know about God’s unconditional love. To run into the arms of Jesus to receive His emotional support and security."



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RECOVERY IS EXHAUSTING

I called in sick today. I was sick as a dog.

Most of the morning I was throwing up and my throat was on fire. By the afternoon I was almost 100% back to normal. Symptoms gone.

I have noticed on occasion during my journey when I am under a lot of stress my body tends to react physically. It is like all these toxins from this past weekend with my brother built up and I had to release them.

Recovery truly can be exhausting, there is no doubt about that. Only God's healing touch and power can release the poisons from within and replace it with the inner healing of Christ.

God is not interested in how I look on the outside, but is interested in healing the deep core of my being where my pain is stored inside:



"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power
through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith." Ephesians 3:16

Sometimes recovery is exhausting. Sometimes we feel like a raw nerve all the way down to the core of our being. You can't touch anything without causing pain. In times like this we see clearly that our healing must be from the inside out. Nothing superficial will be of any consequence. We need our 'inner being', our 'heart', to experience God's healing power.

It is clear from this text that God understands where our healing must take place. The Spirit seeks to strengthen us in our 'inner being'. Christ seeks to dwell in our 'hearts'. God is not interested in appearances. God is not interested in performances. It is not God's plan for us to 'look good'. God's work will be deeper and necessarily more painful than this. The transformation we need will take place at the core of our being.

This may seem impossibly difficult to us. But it is not impossible for God. It is out of 'his glorious riches' that God can strengthen us. God is not helpless in the face of our brokenness. God is a resource-full God.

I have worked hard to look good on the outside, Lord.
But, it has done no good.
It hasn't worked.
I am not what I appear to be.
I need to heal from the inside.
Only you can do that, Lord.
Come Holy Spirit, to my inner being.
Come Christ, dwell in my heart.
Heal and strengthen me in the depths of my person.
Out of your riches, strengthen me.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

DECOMPRESSING

I am in the process of decompressing from my brother's visit.

A lot to look at.

I feel like the woman in the picture. Crashing and feel I have taken some blows.

Last five posts share what I am dealing with.


.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

ALMOST OVER!

Yes, their visit is soon to be over early tomorrow morning!

Most of the weekend I have been irritable and angry. Something I cannot remember feeling when I have been around my brother.

The Holy Spirit has been stirring in me. Bringing up these feelings.

I feel I have the right to not hide what I am feeling anymore. My brother a few times has questioned me, "why am I acting this way?" He is used to me always joking and being the butt of his jokes. I flatly told him that I am irritable and still have a bit of a headache, which is true.

I have noticed a change in me that I do not worry as much about the consequences of being real in front of people and now family. My mum did nothing but give me verbal jabs through out the weekend which my brother chimed right in. A couple of times I gave my brother "the evil eye" when he chimed in with my mum and he shut up! Now, that felt good. He knew I was pissed. Sure, the verbal jabs were not pleasant, and I did not block the emotional pain that they caused.

In the past I was not allowed to show emotions and dare say "I am not happy." "Suck it up JBR" my dad would always say to me with a look of disapproval, especially when I would begin to cry. Probably why it comes hard for me to this day to cry in front of anyone. I just suppressed my pain and the reaction that goes along with it.

I cannot wait until they leave tomorrow.

I am tired, bitchy, irritable and want to be left alone to process the weekend. Shut my brain off as it has been going non-stop since they have arrived. Do look forward to meeting up with God in His house though tomorrow.

My brother likes to yap yap yap about nonsense. This nonsense now is so much surface and not real and he lives in his own past. Sad. I found him to be in "my space" too many times this weekend. A few times I told him in a joking manner, but meaning it sincerely, to "get away from me." He would look at me strangely, make a comment, but obliged.

I did not feel led to bring up any of the sexual abuse with my brother.

Must say, this time last year when they were down, I was in a totally different space. I was more of a zombie. Tuning out everything and reeling in emotional pain from the verbal abuse I received.

Now, a year later, I see so much growth in me. The connection to more of my feelings and how more confident I am with who I am and who I will one day become.

I know I still have a ways to go. My brother and even S-I-L have no clue why I am acting this way, neither does my mother. I am trying to be gentle with myself knowing I cannot rush the process. I am quite aware that my family is looking at me strange and perceiving their own ideas to why I am behaving as I have. Hopefully, by next year when they come again I will be even more stronger and be able to really say what is on my mind to them.

Thank you Jesus!


.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

GOD NEVER TIRES

These past couple of days my emotions have become much more intense. Only because of the anticipation of my brother and family and events that have unfolded while here. All for my benefit, no doubt. To become stronger in my journey, to see and feel much more. Not all is pleasant, but needed.

Even though I may complain, I see the need for what I have to go through. Only to become stronger in Him and in myself.

I am truly grateful I have become so much closer to God where I can just let loose, be my real self, crazy sounding perhaps to myself, but to Him I am not. I have accepted that fact. That is all He wants. Is the real me. Not the pretend me.

In these times of struggle there is inner healing going on. The many days, weeks, months and years of going through the emotional pain in order to heal is all part of the process.

The devotional below shares how God never tires of us. Thank you Lord, oh yes thank You, where our humanness can only take so much. Grant it we do need the support of people, but God never ever tires. Thank You Lord that You think I am NOT boring!

Let the below message be an encouragement to you to never give up and to never give up on God. Sure there may be days that you want to give up, I have had plenty, and probably will have a few more. I have had plenty of days where I am down right angry and yelling at God. But through all my mess, He is so very patient not in any kind of hurry and apparently believes in me. Believes I have potential. When I get to the point that I believe in myself, that will be victory in itself. Glorious victory!

But the one thing that I do hold on to and notice more now is the consistency of God across the board:

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28

There are times during our struggle to heal when our emotions become intense and stay intense for what seems like a very long time. We feel like we rant and rave and weep for hour after hour, day after day. And we worry that the people in our lives who love and support us will grow tired and weary. Will we wear them out? Will they grow tired of the journey?

In those times when we fear the limits of those who love us, we need to remind ourselves that the Everlasting God does not grow tired or weary. We can pour our
heart out to God over and over again. We can rage and weep. God listens without hurry or exhaustion. God will not tire of us.

And God understands. Beyond what we can understand or fathom, God sees and knows
and understands.

We need to keep talking to the people who support us, but with an appreciation for their limits and boundaries. We also need to talk to God. We can speak our heart freely and fully to our Creator every day, every hour. God will not tire of us.

It sounds silly when I say it, Lord.
but sometimes I worry that I will wear you out.
Or bore you.
But you are Everlasting God.
Creator of the ends of the earth.
You do not grow weary.
Your understanding cannot be fathomed.
You understand.
You do not tire of me.
Thank you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

BREAKING PROTOCOL

Wow, I see some changes in me this time around with my brother's visit.

First, really this concerns my mother, but I broke protocol with my mother this morning. I did not call my mother at our usual scheduled morning time. I just did not want to. She waited about 45 minutes later and called and when I picked up the receiver I gave the phone to my brother who then quickly passed it off to my sister-in-law (S-I-L) who graciously took my mothers call. She grilled my S-I-L as to why I did not call her and my S-I-L then said to my mother, "I guess she wanted you to sleep longer" she muttered. Whatever.

The visit at my mum's was as expected. I think I had to leave the room close to 15 times in a five hour span when I felt I was being verbally attacked. I had really a bad headache and left for a while to lay down which brings me to my final interesting and emotionally painful change from today.

While my brother was driving me and my S-I-L back to my place from my mothers, I fell asleep in the back seat as my head was throbbing. I presently live about 1/2 mile from the house where I grew up and some of the abuse took place. Out of the blue my brother wakes me up and we are in front of our old house. I forgot, this is one of his exciting "remembrance" adventures he likes when he comes for a visit. So he is telling me to wake up and look at our old house and see what the present owners have done to it. All I saw was my old house in its original condition back in the 1960's and me in it. I never wanted so much to get out of there. Never had such a startle and sick feeling like this before.

It seems I am getting so in tuned now to my feelings these days. Even though this was an unexpected and unpleasant moment, it is showing me that I am connecting, painfully.

My brother is also noticing I am more stern with him now, and not the easy go let's insult kiddingly (if you can) JBR anymore. He looks at me with astonishment at times.

Oh well.... there is more of me to change as God continues to work in me.

Amen and Hallelujah!

Off to dinner with the family. Hopefully the food will at least help my headache.....

To think we all are going to do this again tomorrow going to my mums. For this past year I have done nothing but try and stay away from seeing my mum as much as possible, and in this one weekend I am inundated! Yikes!

How many more days left?????...........

UPDATE

Feeling better everyone, thanks for your comments and prayers. The Glory of God is released in my soul and is carrying me through these days ahead. Blessings!

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

OFFER HIM OUR ALL

Thank you all for your prayers!

Well, I am still alive.

Everyone is here now. We ate out last night.

I do notice one thing that is new with me..... my brother frustrates me something terribly now. He is notorious for changing things up on me as a joke. This infuriates me now.

I guess because since I have been on my journey and have become more real and deep, I do not care for what he thinks is funny to him is totally freaking me out. I used to not care. But then again, I used to be so very surface. It hurts my brain at times now to talk to someone on this surface level once again, if you can believe that.

Like clockwork all we have talked about since there arrival has been, "do you remember this place here, and do your remember that place there." BORING. The same ole same ole every year. That just shows you the shallowness of who he is and what I was.

Anyway, one good thing thus far, he set up my Router for my computer. Now I am wireless! Yippee!!

We will tackle mum today. When I got home last night from t. they were already over at her place. She had him working and fixing stuff already. She does not wait. We have to go again today so my brother can finish off the other chores she has planned for him.

This will be a long few days I am afraid. Cannot wait until it is over!!! I am already exhausted, have a headache to begin with. There is a certain amount of oppression my brother brings with him too. I sense that strongly. There has been a lot of depression in my family, my father especially was very severely depressed as my older brother. Runs in the family. But, it can stop here with me!

They plan on leaving Sunday. But, like last year when my mum insisted they go to church, they have already said to me that they do not plan on going this time. Well, we will see. My mum is so good with her guilt trips. But, she may lose this one, this time. So, this will be an interesting battle to witness and who will win.

I am putting on a double portion of the full armor of God for mum's visit today. We are heading out early to her place, as that is "what" she has demanded. Yes, I say "demanded."

All these words now have different meanings for me. I am just now a 'tag-along' (which is fine) and am not taking these words to heart like I once did. This is my brothers show right now. He is the one being targeted for having to do "things" for her when she wants. I am sure I will get my jabs once I am there, no doubt.

So, even though I do know what to expect, I do not. In lieu of the unexpected, Joyce Meyer shares a good devotional below on "Offer Him Our All:"

"I appeal to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God."— Romans 12:1

In order to obey the verse for today, we have to choose to give the Lord our “members and faculties.” In other words, we offer Him our bodies, minds, abilities, and emotions. We must be careful not to let the devil use our minds. The human mind is his favorite battleground and he will fire thoughts at us all day long, thoughts that will drown out the voice of God if we choose to listen to them. The thoughts the devil sends us are usually sly, subtle, and deceptive so we will find them easy to believe. He lies and accuses and tells us anything he can think of to steal our joy, rob our peace, and make us feel ashamed, guilty, and unworthy. He fills our minds with ungodly thoughts about other people. We cannot stop him from sending thoughts our way, but we can resist them in the power of Christ. Then we can deliberately turn our thoughts toward God and the things He speaks to us.

To be honest, there are days when I have to cast down a dozen thoughts just in the time it takes to put on my makeup! But, thank God, I know how to do it. You can do it, too. Think of it this way: two voices are competing for your attention. You can focus on one or the other. Choose to hear the voice of God and to think about the things He says, not the things the enemy says. When we fill our thoughts with right things, the wrong ones have no room to enter.

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

OH THE DRAMA

I am tired of the drama and the high maintenance of the people I encounter every day. The attention-seekers. The ones that I am willing to listen to, but then when I feel I am being used, Lord take them out of my life. Take away the desire in me to have to please. I do not want to have my raw emotions sucked out of me and my trust broken.

Let me be quiet and still before You.
Let the others around me see this.
And let them let me be just that.
Let them not force "surface" answers to my quietness.
Trying to fix something that they now do not understand.

Lord I give You my all.
I give You my praise.
Lord have Your way in me.

Lord I want the intimacy.
The true intimacy that "only" You offer.
The "real" love only You can give.
To fulfill me.

Take away the impure thoughts of
my sick way of thinking what love should be.
Replace my sick desires for You.
Renew, heal and conform my mind to be pure.

Change my heart to only look to You.
And not worry what goes on around me.
Lord, this world can drag me down terribly.
I do not want it.
I want only You Daddy.
Only You!

.................................................................................................................................................... I Got The Joy!

DO NOT FEAR

We all have fears. Some more than others. Some irrational than others. A lot of my irrational fears stemmed from my mother.

The devil plays havoc with us with fears as well.

Just this morning, which prompted this post, I woke up extremely oppressed and very fearful. For no reason!

How can this be?

Coming off such a glorious Sonday?

It can be!

The devil works really best with fear.

Especially when he knows I am in tune with the Holy Spirit!

He knows I am becoming stronger and healthier in my journey. Still, he tries to attack areas that I have yet to overcome in my journey.

But, the fear and oppression does NOT have to stay with me. I can overcome it through pleading the Blood of Jesus Christ! Watching an anointing music video, "I Got The Joy" helps along. Amen.

Joyce Meyer shares a great devotional on over coming fear. Not only in our daily lives but our Spiritual lives as well. A lot of us can relate to these fears. I pray this devotional ministers to you and sets you free from unnecessary fears in your life:

"I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!" — Isaiah 41:13

We sometimes encounter resistance as we seek to follow the Holy Spirit, and many times that opposition comes in the form of fear—not just major fears, such as fear of a natural disaster or a terrible disease or some other catastrophe—but a nagging sense of anxiety and unrest about common, ordinary things. The devil even tries to make us afraid of praying boldly. He wants us to approach God in fear rather than in faith.

Some people live every day with a constant undercurrent of little fears, making comments like, “I’m afraid I won’t get to work on time with all this traffic,” or “I’m afraid I’ll burn the roast,” or “I’m afraid it’s going to rain out the ball game on Saturday.” These everyday fears really are minor ones, but they are still fears and they still hinder a lifestyle of hearing from God by keeping people focused on their worries. Instead of allowing the enemy to pick at us with little things and infect our lives with these low-level, ongoing fears, we need to pray and trust God.

My motto is “Pray about everything and fear nothing.” When we are developing a lifestyle of talking and listening to God, we will need to aggressively resist the little fears, habits, and thought patterns that do not promote or support prayer. The Holy Spirit wants to help us do that, so we need to ask Him to lead us out of negative habits and into a positive attitude that keeps us regularly connected to God in faith throughout the day. As we continue to allow the Holy Spirit to lead us in this way, our prayers and ability to hear from God will become as easy and habitual as breathing.

(Joyce Meyer)

SURFACE JOY

Another powerful Sonday of worship and prayer in the Spirit for me.

I can only hope and pray one day that my church will be like this in the picture above. Praying for an all-out revival!

I am getting my joy back slowly.

As I see it, right now, "It's Surface Joy." Not the Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep joy I once experienced as a kid laughing so hard with my childhood friends that my sides would ache. I will take whatever I can get now and pray to the Lord to actually "Give me a pain in my side." :)

The Lord removes from me a little bit each time of emotionally painful toxins and then replaces a little bit more of joy.

WORSHIP CHANGES WHO WE ARE

In preparation for tomorrow's Sonday worship and between playing my guitar unto the Lord and worshiping in the Spirit and changing my blog design a zillion times today, (I believe I have found the Holy Spirit Fire template) I came across a short article on the internet entitled:

Worship changes who we are

When we worship, the Holy Spirit, which resides in each child of God, can go to work and change us. The act of worship gives our spirit a chance to commune with God. No one remains the same after spending time with God.

Little by little, the Holy Spirit asks the Lord for the exact right thing that we truly need, even when we are not aware of what that might be. It may be realizing that we are not first, and it is not about us. It is and always has been about our Lord Jesus Christ. We worship him because of what He has done for us. He gives us the gift of forgiveness so that we don't have to live continually in sin and guilt.

A LOST MEMORY RESURFACED

As I was lying in bed last night out of the blue, yeah right, the Lord reminded me which I have never thought about in ages, a boy who was seeing me for over a year. Now, how could I have forgotten about him?

We both were 17, before I was a Christian. I met him in Pennsylvania one summer when on one of these rare occasions my mother and step-father would take a weeks vacation in the Pocono's. I really did not like going with them, but I had no choice in the matter.

Anyway, last night I thought about him and what he was doing today and how I broke his heart. All in all, after boo-coo years, I can honestly say I hurt someone. I never have felt these feelings before until now.

I thought how very patient he was with me and kind and did not rush our relationship at all. He was from PA, but that year was going to Columbia University in New York to become a lawyer. I would take the train to meet him at his dorm on campus a couple of times. We had a lot in common, especially music. We played our guitars together and wrote songs together. We really did have fun together.

He would come see me every weekend. My mother would cook for him. We would talk on the phone. To this day, I do not know how I was such an interest to him with thinking how childish and immature my emotions were. I do not know? Baffles me.

In reflecting back to how insecure I was and all that I wanted out from life was someone to like or even love me. I had such a deep hurt inside to want to be accepted! And once when he finally did show affection, I could not handle it and soon I broke off our relationship.

I am ticked more now than then, because that day I lost a good person in my life because of my abuse.

He was severely crushed along with my mother, because she really liked him. I did too, but at the time I was in total panic and cold sweat fear, and could not handle any type of real intimacy.

My mother got on my case to why I broke off the relationship. I do not recall what excuse I used. I know I certainly did not tell her I could not handle intimacy with him. I think she was more interested in her feelings and loosing a "son" or whatever than what I was experiencing.

Okay, God, why bring this memory up now? Do I need to grieve and forgive myself that what happened and what I was experiencing was not my fault, but the result of my past. Yes.

I hid this memory for a long time, as when I think about my very few relationships I did have, I never think about this one. And this was the longest out of all of them.

SOMETHING COOL JUST HAPPENED TO ME!!!

Oh my gosh I had something cool just now happen to me. I right now am the only one in my department at work as the others are in a meeting. So I put my favorite worship Holy Spirit song on Sheikinah Glory.

Oh my, I found myself on the floor. Glad no one was around. The anointing hit me BOOM like fire. I am too susceptible to the Spirit! It is glorious though. Had no clue this was going to happen like it just did!!!

Wo----

PRETENDING

Since I am still on my journey through becoming real I can only say thus far what I have been and what I am still now and what I want still to change.

All though my life, along with many of us, we covered up our hurts and pain with masks. Put on a performance that "everything is just fine" in life. JBR has a handle on everything. A lot of my cover up was conforming to whatever anyone wanted me to be. I had no identity. My identity was what I perceived others wanted from me.

But in reality I was so dead and depressed inside and when I did not have to be exposed to people I would retreat within the safe four walls of my bedroom.

Can you believe that. My life literally existed within the confines of my bedroom. Very sad. But at the time very very very painfully real. Even alone by myself, the masks would not come off because I was so used to faking and had a sick outlet to deal with my pain not even knowing I was doing that and that was going off into my la-la land of fantasy for years and years in my mind in order to cope and survive. Brrrrrr brings chills up and down my spine just thinking how detached I was from the world.

The devotional shares how hard we work to faking life when we do not face our pain and fears. Facing my shame, which I am still in the process of, is one of the hardest for me.

God does not ask us to be perfect. I too am still in the process of accepting that fact. God wants us to be merciful to ourselves, as He is to us! That is really hard. We can STOP shaming and condemning ourselves, because God does not condemn or shame us.

I am going to use the words that I have trouble speaking and applying now, but is of truth and my ultimate goal to healing and that is.....

God loves us and God loves me.

The love of God can only heal me.


"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn
what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to
call the righteous, but sinners." Matthew 9:12


One of the most remarkable features of the human condition is our capacity to pretend that we are healthy when our lives are in total chaos.

We work hard to cover up our problems and flaws in our character. We will sacrifice almost anything to keep from facing the truth about ourselves. We work this hard to look good because we experience our human needs, limits and failures with deep shame - a shame that drives us to strive harder and harder to look better and better. We sacrifice our serenity, our relationships, our sanity on the altar of perfectionism. We also sacrifice any possibility of getting the help we need by continuing to insist that "we can handle it."

God does not ask such sacrifices from us. God has no need for us to be perfect. Jesus speaks to us gently but very clearly about this issue. He confronts our pretense, shame and perfectionistic strivings. He says in effect "you do not have to sacrifice yourself in this way. You do not have to drive yourself like this. I desire mercy, not sacrifice. I want you to learn to be mercy-full to yourself. Be compassionate with yourself. It will free you to accept your need of healing. It will allow you to acknowledge your longing for me."

Jesus was saying "I did not come to pass out blue ribbons to the people who have all the answers and have worked hard to prove themselves. I came to bring hope and healing to people who know they need help." We can stop shaming and condemning ourselves because God does not shame or condemn us. God knows our brokenness, our pain, our need. We can give up our attempts to prove ourselves and acknowledge our need for help and healing.


Lord, I don't want to be needy.
I want to be strong for you.
But, I can't sustain the pretense any longer
I have nothing to show for all my efforts to look good.
All I have done is shut you out of my life.


Today I acknowledge my need for you, Lord.
I need your healing and your forgiveness.
I am not healthy.
I need a doctor.
I need you.
Amen.

THE DEVIL KNOWS......

I feel I am going "post" crazy bonkers today. Like this is my fourth post!

Have so much energy, frustration, anger inside me that just wants to be released!

Intertwined with feeling the anointing of the Holy Spirit more and more these days, I feel I have been beaten down and persecuted left and right emotionally this week. Only coming up for a breath of air. That being said, not that I am ignoring what is going on around and in me, I want to share an interesting quote from Kenneth Copeland on this topic:

"Make no mistake, that is the devil's intention. He sends people across your path to offend you and mistreat you for the express purpose of stealing the Word of God - and the anointing that goes with it - out of your life. Mark 4:17 says, "...persecution ariseth for the word's sake."

The devil knows how powerful you are when you are anointed. He knows because he once was anointed himself. The Bible says before evil was found in him, he was the "anointed cherub." So it is his one ambition to trick you into cutting yourself off from that anointing.

That's why he sends bigots to insult you and thieves to steal from you. That's why, whenever he can, he goads people around you into being insensitive and unappreciative. He wants you to get offended and cut off your supernatural power supply."

Wow are these words ever so true. I especially like the part that reads, "That's why, whenever he can, he goads people around you into being insensitive and unappreciative." That is so true, sadly even among other Christians. We do it to one another. Sometimes not even knowing we are being used by the enemy.

ALL THE EARTH

I wanted to put up a postive post now, as I am tired of all the attacks and negativity I have been going through this week. Tired, tired, tired!

I have not heard this song in a while. Always liked it.

Hope you are blessed as well:

Verse 1:
Father, into Your courts will I enter
Maker of Heaven and Earth
I tremble in Your Holy presence

Verse 2:
Glory, glory in Your sanctuary
Splendor and majesty Lord
All life adores You

Chorus:
All the earth will declare that Your love is everywhere
The fields will exalt, seas will resound
See the trees' joyful cry
Praising You and so would I
A new song I'll sing

Lord I will glorify and bless Your holy name...

verse 1
verse2
chorus

Lord I will glorify and bless Your name (x7)
Lord I'll glorify and bless Your holy name!

NO SET FORMULA

Thwarting off the enemy's attack with the Word of God and praise songs, this particular song, Made Me Glad, has been running through my head since yesterday. Cannot seem to shake it.

God knows I need ministering to at this time.

Little JBR was having a difficult time yesterday because Big JBR's critical and judgmental spirit was going full force and she was spewing at the mouth and the little one was blaming herself.

I am finding out that there is a healing balm in the words of the song.

So, I will take His ministering through song or any way He presents it to me.

Lord give me the strength today to ONLY focus on You. Help me not to beat myself up when I do fail.

I have learned "you cannot put God in a box." There is no set formula to healing in my journey.


I will bless the Lord forever
And I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
And he has set my feet upon a rock

And I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord....

You are my shield
My strength
My portion
Deliverer
My shelter
Strong tower
My very present help in time of need

Whom have I in Heaven but you?
There's none I desire beside you
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord....

CHORUS:

You are my shield
My strength
My portion
Deliverer
My shelter
Strong tower
My very present help in time of need

REPEAT CHORUS

You have me glad
And I'll say of the Lord....

REPEAT CHORUS x 2

My very present help in time of need (TO FADE)

MY OTHER BLOGS

I have never fully introduced my two other blogs:


God Whispers In The Wind (click above) is more of a spiritual blog where I share more of my personal encounters, struggles with the triune God as well as sharing from some popular ministers/speakers their devotionals and encounters as well.



Need Prayer (click above) deals with that. If you have a prayer request, I will be more than happy to pray for you. I believe in the power of prayer. Also, this blog is a place to share any praise reports and answers to prayers.

INCORPORATING

There is power in the Holy Spirit.

I am finding out that coming off such a high and wonderful intense Sonday deep cleaning of prayer and worship then entering into the next day of the "real world" reveals dramatic effects in me.

One being that "I cannot stay on this high forever." My body could not stand all the glory of His fire.

Secondly, I am back in the real world with real people who do NOT understand where I am coming from.

Supposedly even the "strongest of believers" at my place of work cannot understand where I am coming from with my encounter with the Holy Spirit.

I am thrown back into the real world of real hurts, including mine that get resurrected from my thorn-in-the-side person at work and I wonder, "where did the glory go from just a couple of days ago?"

I want to incorporate the two, my new experiences in the Holy Spirit and the real world.

TRUST FIRST

I had a revelation last night while I was under the anointing of the Holy Spirit. He impressed upon me as plain as day that I need to "trust" Him before I can feel and experience His "full" love. Wow--

Emphases on the word, "full."

I say that because, I also felt impressed upon me that I do in fact experience His love, but I do not know how to recognize it as such because of remaining shame issues.

Now that is a powerful revelation for me!

Here all the while I have been praying and seeking earnestly for Him to reveal His love to me. Not even thinking I needed to trust Him first with healing my pain in order to receive the fullness.

Sure, right away my feeble mind went to analyzing that "oh no this cannot be right. Other people can feel God's love before they trust Him, you are wrong, you will never experience this occurrence."

Dang, the devil will not give me a break. Right away the lies are thrown my way. But, I am not claiming them. I know I felt what I did.

I am learning there is no formula to healing. Sure, maybe others can indeed feel God's "full" love first, but in my case I need to trust first. Makes sense, since I have always struggled with trust issues due to my past.

In the days, weeks, months ahead, however long it takes, my prayer will include trusting my Lord and Savior. . . . . fully.

SINKING FEELING

I just learned this morning that my brother and sister-in-law are to come down and stay with me a few days to celebrate Christmas 2009. Might as well throw Christmas 2010 in this visit, because they will not come around again until next year at this time. Whatever....

Part of my heart sank to my stomach when I heard they were coming. Not saying I knew this would not happen, but I guess when the reality of their visit is inevitable, dread set in.

BUT........

I think I am a bit better prepared emotionally and mentally this time than from when they were to originally come in April but were not able. The deep cleaning of healing that the Lord has been doing with me these past few weeks have helped tremendously.

I refuse to hide! I need face some fears head on and apply the belief system to heart that what was done to me by my brother sexually which coincides with some things I did later on in life that I feel deep shame for but am in the process of accepting what was done and what I did was not my fault and let Big JBR forgive the little one. It is not easy, but this is just the next step to my journey towards healing!

I have 13 days to prepare myself for their visit on the 17th! Will see. It is just not them, but when my mother gets involved, then all chaos lets loose and I am usually targeted for verbal abuse.

For those who do not know some of my history, please click HERE.

God has His hands in my journey. No doubt! He knew a couple of months ago, I would not have this tool of seeing how Big JBR needs to forgive Little JBR and how little JBR acts is how she survived and the shame she carries is not hers. So it does help! His timing is impeccable. Only God. :)

IT SAVES LIVES

I saw this quick video the other day.
Very touching and well done.
You may have seen it?
I love the expressions!
And the music is so dramatic.

UNDEALT WITH

In yesterday's t. session we continued where I left off the following week with "How was Big JBR doing in forgiving Little JBR?"

After sharing last week in session and putting on a post that night, I went into hiding in the blog world for a few days only because I was so overwhelmed with going to a place that was very painful and forgiveness was involved for myself. Something I do NOT do good with.

But, those days in hiding were not a total loss. I ended up filing away and locking up my feelings after a few days. I envisioned a big file cabinet labeled "Undealt With."

Yesterday's t. session we unlocked and brought the file out once again as I have yet to discard its pain.

Those days in hiding I would think and process about how Little JBR was only doing what she knew how to do in a world that was hard and sometimes out right cruel to her while growing up. She was surviving. She did nothing wrong. Big JBR has to understand this and then eventually come to grips with forgiving the little one and meet her at a safe place.

CAPTIVE BY THE SPIRIT

Wow, this may be difficult to explain, but here goes.....

Apart from my Sonday deep cleanings, the Holy Spirit presence has moved over into other areas of my life these days with such vengeance! Whew! With the intense spiritual warfare in recent days for me, His presence has increased!

Hmmmmmm...... I just got that! Duh! His presence has intensified because of the spiritual warfare from the enemy. Hmmmmmm..... now it makes sense! Wow.

For the past few weeks The Holy Spirit has walked in mightily with me into my t. sessions. Not saying that He was not there before, He was. My t. is a strong believer and knows exactly where I am coming from and also relies heavily on the leading of the Spirit. I may be sharing about something painful when all of a sudden I am engulfed by the Spirit. This is all new to me. This new leading by Him.

I usually shiver, get goose bumps, hearing goes at times and I draw in and usually cannot talk for a moment. At times it is so very overwhelming and a surprise, like "boom" here I am. My t. senses His presence at these times as well.

I really think that the spiritual world is on "high alert." Satan knows his time is very short!

These past few weeks have been truly awesome and scary in my world.

In spite of my deep emotional pain and the constant attacks from the enemy to break me down and wear me out, some awesome things have occurred.

One being that the Holy Spirit can be so very strong in me at any given time now. At work I am constantly praying in the Spirit. At work is the one place I certainly need His help.

Before, the Holy Spirit was on a "on-call" basis. By me that is. Even though I knew He was in me, I had walls surrounding my deep core of pain. Only recently in my Sonday deep cleaning has He been allowed to penetrate those walls.

Being confident about things does not come easy for me. But, one thing I am assured of, besides my salvation is, and I am NOT NOT NOT bragging here, that falling under the anointing has comes so very easily and quickly.

I marvel and question, "Why me Lord?" Sure there are others who at least "feel" Your love, and deserve it, but why me then?" Yes, yes, I am working on changing this to be one day and say confidently ..... "Why Not Me!"

I shared a couple of posts ago of me listening to the song "Shekinah Glory" that is at the top of this page at least once a day before work. I am finding now I have to pace myself. If I listen too closely to the time I have to drive to work I find it hard to come out of the anointing and then try and function. At least drive my car. The anointing is so very strong.

Sure, it may be quick to fall under the anointing, but it sure as all-get-out takes a whole lot longer to come out of it. Hee hee......