KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

This statement rings loud in my heart many-a-time!

A lot of us can learn from the below devotional. I know I can.

Some times it is better not to say anything then to stick your foot in your mouth.

I can be one to quickly criticize. But, you would have to really irk me. Nevertheless, I would criticize more to another person about you then to you directly.

This is a big struggle area for me and I am trying to be more conscientious of the fact. My father criticized. Finding fault with others, somehow eases my pain, takes the focus off of me and makes me feel better about myself.

In recovery, I am learning to recognize a lot of my survival techniques of protection that I used in the past when I was growing up. Recognizing now, some of them can be adjusted for the better.

Sometimes I will even pull myself aside before I open my mouth and say, "Now JBR do you really want to say this? Who is benefiting? Huh?" Does not always work though.

Then at the same time I can be ever so encouraging. And really mean it too. Then I wonder "where did that come from?"

I am finding that it holds true that if I let some time go by (a few minutes) in a possible criticizing situation, my desire to bash someone verbally subsides. Not an easy task though. Because my flesh wants to get in the way.

I know I was put to the test these past few days at work. Some times I was successful, other times it was like I had diarrhea of the mouth.

"So much to say. And so much not to say! Some things are better left unsaid. But so many unsaid things can become a burden." — Virginia Mae Axline

The occasions are many when we'd like to share a feeling, an observation, perhaps even a criticism with someone. The risk is great, however. She might be hurt, or he might walk away, leaving us alone.

Many times, we need not share our words directly. Weighing and measuring the probable outcome and asking for some inner guidance will help us decide when to speak up and when to leave things unsaid. But if our thoughts are seriously interfering with our relationships, we can't ignore them for long.

Clearing the air is necessary sometimes, and it freshens all relationships. When to take the risk creates consternation. But within our quiet spaces, we always know when we must speak up. And the direction will come. The right moment will present itself. And within those quiet spaces the right words can be found.

If I am uncomfortable with certain people, and the feelings don't leave, I will consider what might need to be said. I will open myself to the way and ask to be shown the steps to take. Then, I will be patient.

Hazelden Foundation

WENT WITHOUT A HITCH

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayer support for my morning devotional. Which went without a hitch. Praise the Lord! God gave me the grace and peace. I really felt the Holy Spirit! Hallelujah!

I live in S. Florida and we are experiencing torrential downpours from this tropical storm. And for sure I thought there would be a lot of people late coming to work. So I would have it easier. WRONG!! In fact there were more people, bringing guests. So the audience I had this morning was bumped from 70+ to 93 people!! Argh!

BOO-BUTT (My Bird)

Boo-butt on my finger

I need a break from the challenges of my journey.

Briefly take me away from the struggles of my life.

So, I decided to post on something sweet.

Some of you may have remembered I got a new parakeet in June see post HERE.

Here is an update:

At the time was not too sure what the sex of the bird was. "He" was purchased at a very young age. Hard to tell on the outside what they will be until a few months old. It is safe to say the bird is a he.

I have called the bird many names since I got him. "Boobird," "Boohead," "Boo," "Boofy," "Your Boo-ness," "Boo-gee," "Boo-bee," "Buttlett," "Hey-you," "Yo"..........but "Boo-butt" seemed to lovingly stick.

He now goes on my finger and stays with me. Still a bit jittery. He has not come out on his own yet. He still finds his cage a safety zone. Which I am sure WE all can relate to our safety zones. In time though......
Boo-butt with my Esteban guitar

He has a sweet disposition about himself.

He even chirps to music.

My music as well.

At least he is not a critic...... or is he????

HE TOOK OUR SHAME

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus
the author and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy set before him
endured the cross, scorning the shame." Hebrews 12:2

For many of us we have carried shame over into our adulthood. Not understanding the magnitude effect it would have on us later in life. Shame can be created from past abuses, neglect, verbally, i.e. constantly being told "you are stupid," a specific trauma etc.

In my own personal story I am learning through the pain of shame there is an opportunity for healing and also an opportunity to share with others the hope in the journey.

I am mindful and comforted by the scripture quoted above. Jesus faced and took upon Himself all of our pain, sins, and sufferings. Including shame. Jesus went right through the sufferings for us.

RECOVERED MEMORY ****May Trigger***

Before fully waking up this morning, I was lying in bed and my mind went back to an incident as a child. Around the time of my sexual abuse. Where I remember my brother having me bring my other girlfriends on a couple of occasions to our utility room in our house where he would then grope them.

I recall this particular memory of being in the utility room while this was going on also. Sort of the "look-out," in case our father came around. Observing from a distance. When always recalling this memory, it was always my girlfriends being abused at this time......until NOW.

In my minds eye I could see my friends standing looking ahead at what was our freezer, a washer and a very small window in a dark room. My brother standing behind his victims. But, always excused it to what I envisioned my friends were looking at. Until this morning.....

I have Strong conviction in believing NOW what I was always thinking "they" were looking at in front of them, was me also recalling what I was actually looking at. I too was being abused in the utility room. I never put two-and-two together until now.

This was some way to wake up this morning. Not too good.

OUR TALENTS

The below devotional is so timely.

Just recently God confirmed a stirring in my heart through a prophetic word spoken to me.

Lately I have been thinking earnestly about what He wants specifically from me when it comes down to my talents and gifts. To then recognize them and begin to nurture them and use them not only to glorify Him, but to enrich the lives of myself and others.

"I do not want to die . . . until I have faithfully made the most of my talent and cultivated the seed that was placed in me until the last small twig has grown." — Kathe Kollwitz

There's so much to do before we rest . . . so much to do. We each are gifted with talents, similar in some respects to others' talents, but unique in how we'll be able to use them. Do we realize our talents? We need only to dare to dream, and there they'll be.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of self-pity, thinking we have no purpose, fearing we'll take life nowhere, dreading others' expectations of us. But we can turn our thinking around at any moment. The choice is ours. We can simply decide to discover our talents, and nurture them and enrich the lives of others. The benefits will be many. So will the joys.

We have a very important part to play, today, in the lives we touch. We can expect adventure, and we'll find it. We can look for our purpose; it's at hand. We can remember - we aren't alone. We are in partnership every moment. Our talents are God-given, and guidance for their full use is part of the gift.

I will have a dream today. In my dream is my direction.

Hazelden Foundation

I'M NOT TAKING IT ON

I'm not taking on the guilt. These are the words I uttered to my mum ONCE AGAIN this afternoon when she tried to manipulate me........ ugh!

I went over to her place because she asked me last week if I would help her with moving some heavy things. I have been really careful in not discussing many things with her anymore because of her enormous blown out of proportion fears to the unknown. Well, I mentioned to her last week briefly that my a/c in my car was not working properly. I figured that would be safe enough to share.

Ha!

Well, today, she went into a crying fit when I refused her help to make a budget for me. A budget! The a/c incident brought on tremendous fear for her that she justified in making a budget for "ME." She said the a/c incident scared her and feels I cannot handle money if there ever was an emergency. We went back and forth through her tears. I reminded her that "I am a big girl now." I remember telling her that "I am not taking on her "control" and "fears" she exhibits." Well, that set her off even more. How dare I! She began yelling and accusing me of controlling and then she brought up past crap with how I handled money and how she had to bail me out. Guilt Guilt Guilt! I said, this conversation is going to end now. And it FINALLY did.

I know I yet set up another massive boundary with my mum which knocked me out emotionally and physically this afternoon. But, again, I won this battle!

And all I wanted for this weekend was to soak in Him.....

SOAKED IN YOU

This is my hearts desire where I am at now!

MENTAL OVER LOAD

My mind is on mental over load it seems. I decided to take a Mental Health Day today from work. Thank you all for your encouraging support from my recent post.

LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH

I have not been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I just cannot let go of things on my mind so readily.

When I do not sleep well, the lack of sleep can have an adverse effect on me. I am more tired than normal. More grouchy. Just plain run down and the effect can plague other parts of my body with symptoms.

At these times is when I am more conscience of who I am. A frail human being that only God can minister to deeply. Bring me up, perk me up, refresh me, renew me. Get me to face another day. Thank You Lord!

***WHEN MEMORIES HELP***

I just came back from my morning walk before work.

It is amazing how our memories can be so dormant and then at the right time, by God's design, surface for us to benefit from.

Lately it seems I have been more jumpy and defensive of my physical body than normal. My reaction was brought out last week when my t. quickly came to me as she was demonstrating something. The memory of my mother quickly coming at me slapping me in the face non-stop and me being on my back while she stood over me surfaced. I put my hands up in defense to my t.

I have always been aware of my surroundings. Anyway, as I walked this morning in my complex, a memory or memories surfaced where when my parents would leave my two older brothers to babysit me when they went out for the evening of cocktails. When that happened I knew I was in for trouble. My older older brother loved to beat up on my other older brother (the one who sexually abused me). Meanwhile my brothers would lock me in the bathroom for the duration of the time while my parents were out. Because they did not want to deal with me while "they played?" That was not fun!! I remember screaming to let me out. The times that they did let me out, I witnessed the "so-called" playful beating. I remember telling them to stop. It may have been innocent play in their eyes. For me, as young as I was six or seven and to witness this, I was scared. That is when my older older brother would scare me and threaten me not to tell mum and dad what was going on. Little did they know I did not have to. The neighbors would hear the blood curling screams coming from our house.

What is being revealed to me, explains a lot why I behave the way I do. Helps with the process of healing.....

EMBRACE THE PROCESS

I am going through a new phase of my journey now where trust is becoming so much more important for my healing process. These past few days, especially at work, have been extremely trying on my outcome. A lot of painful personal tests for me and an opportunity to grow. It has not been easy. But, I certainly know I am a lot stronger than I was.

Recovery is an on-going process. There will be days when you will slip back into your old patterns. Painful memories and feelings may resurface. Doubts that plague your thoughts. Fear may grip you so strongly like the beginning when you began your journey. Lies may filtrate your thinking. Feelings may feel good and safe for a short while but then reality sets in again. At this time, try not to become discouraged. Embrace the process.

All the above does not mean that you have to begin your journey again. It shows that something may still be triggering you that needs to be brought out into the light and dealt with. To be broken off. Or there may be no explanation. Nothing at all. Whatever the case may be, try not to beat yourself up over a slip back to your old ways. I too need to heed to my own words here.

I like the opening quote below.....

"I still have bad days. But that's okay. I used to have bad years." — Anonymous

Sometimes, the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed, and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless, and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as soul sickness.

Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes, we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, problems on the job, at home, or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.

Sometimes, these feelings return for no reason.

A return to the old feelings doesn't mean were back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean were in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.

The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations, and having fun.

Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.

If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.

Today, if I find myself in the dark pit of codependency, I will work a Step to help myself climb out.

Hazelden Foundation

DETACHING FROM CHILDREN

Something my mother is being forced to do. Even though she may not know it now. My mum is learning the hard way that she is not able to control me like she once had.

Sure she can throw the guilt trips my way. She still tries. But, she is meeting a dead end now. I am not responding like I used to. I am standing up for myself. I am still fearful because of the fear of rejection. But the more I become confident in who I am and believe in my heart that I have the right to be me, the more easier facing my mum or anyone with a controlling personality will become:

It's one thing to let go of my husband and let him suffer the consequences. But how do I let go of my children? Isn't it different with children? Don't we have responsibilities as parents? Al Anon member

We do have different responsibilities to our children than to other adults. We are financially responsible for our children; we are responsible for providing for their material and physical needs.

Our children need to be taught how to help themselves - from tying their shoes to making social plans. They need our love and guidance. They need consistent enforcement of boundaries, once we've established limits. They need a supportive, nurturing environment in which to grow. They need help learning values.

But we are not responsible for controlling our children. Contrary to popular belief, controlling doesn't work. Discipline and nurturing do - if combined. Shame and guilt interfere with our children's learning and our parenting. We need to respond to our children in a responsible way and hold them accountable for their actions at an age appropriate level. We need only do our best.

We can let our children have their own process of living; we can have our own process. And, we can take care of ourselves during that process. Seek balance. Seek wisdom, Seek not to have control, but to own our power as people who are parents.

Today, God, help me find an appropriate balance of responsibility to my children. Help me parent through nurturing and discipline, instead of control.

Hazelden Foundation

LONGING TO BELONG

Many of us have suffered at the hand of abuse, of being abandoned, neglected, rejected and isolated to name just a few.

We all have a deep longing to belong. I know what social isolation can feel like. It is not fun. I also know what shame feels like. It is not fun either. The condemnation that shame brings can be paralyzing.

But, God longs for us to belong to Him. For many of us it is hard and frightening because of our fears and past painful experiences. How we even view God may hinder us. He longs to minister to our broken areas. To love us. To nurture us. Personally I am finding out that the more I heal the more I let God in. The more my walls come down in order to trust Him. In order to belong.

For those of you, may this devotional touch the deep part of your soul to bring you some comfort and encouragement:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

Abandoned. Neglected. Alone.

Many of us share these painful struggles. Unfortunately, many of us have struggled with them from very early in life. People from dysfunctional families often feel that they were never acceptable to their parents. Many struggle with the feeling that they can never be good enough to receive attention. If reinforced by rejection or abandonment from friends, colleagues, or other significant people in our lives, we can easily conclude that we don't really 'belong' at all.

Humans have a deep longing to belong, to be emotionally bonded with others. Social isolation can be very painful to us. But social isolation may have felt like the only option open to us as children. Attempts at closeness may have meant experiencing control, abuse, rejection or loss. We may have pulled away to protect ourselves, even though it left us lonely and afraid.

God comes to our lonely, anxious hearts and whispers our name. God says "I see both the fear you have of closeness and the deep longing you have to belong. I have come to comfort you and to respond to your need. I have been seeking relationship with you. You belong. You belong to me. You are my child."

It may frighten us - this invitation to belong to God - even though we long for it. It may frighten us because we expect pain and disappointment, over-control and rejection. But gradually, as we continue the healing process, we can allow God to meet this deep need. We can allow ourselves to belong more and more to God.

Help me, God, to allow myself to belong to you.
Thank you for calling me by name.
Thank you for saying 'you are mine'.
I want to belong to you, God.
Help me to heal, Great Physician,
So that I can accept my place in your family.
Take away my fear, Father,
give me the courage to belong to you.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

PAINFUL MEMORY

Something interesting happened yesterday.

In t. my t. got up really fast to demonstrate something we were talking about and approached me quickly while I was sitting and she standing. My automatic response was fear and feeling threaten. I quickly put my hands up in defense. I know in the past I have felt this way in other situations as well. We both questioned my behavior asking God to reveal the root.

At the time I could not quite put my finger on why I reacted that way. Until I got in my car to leave then it "hit" me. When my mother would "hit" or "beat" me it would be rapid and I recall now putting my arms up in defense to ward off her blows. I cringe now as I type and envision one of those painful beatings. She would come at me fast in her "fit of fury." Overpower me. I remember recoiling and being so very little.

TIMELY WORD

I so needed to read these timely words today from todays's devotional. I have been really struggling this week. I hope you are blessed and encouraged by these words:

Thursday, September 9, 2010
Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.—R. L. Evans

Feelings of discouragement are to be expected as part of life. We will have our times of greater energy and hope and our times of feeling depleted and lost. As we mature we learn to see many peaks and valleys across the landscape.

Giving ourselves over to feelings of discouragement is self-indulgent and saps our strength. We cannot see into the future. The dailiness of our lives isn't always dramatic and doesn't usually offer great changes. But we are part of an unfolding process. Looking back over just a week or a month, we can recall troubled times that now seem insignificant. We see other' people and their progress, and we know they too grew just one day at a time and couldn't see what the future would bring them. So we continue - knowing that our process is hopeful - even though we cannot foresee the details of our future.

I have the strength to live through the peaks and valleys and to stay faithful to my recovery.

Hazelden Foundation

NASTY NASTY NASTY NASTY NASTY NASTY

Ugh, this is totally bothering me!!!!

I can be down right rude, critical and ignore you. I hear and see myself in action, but continue in my ways. Trigger trigger big time!

For those who do not know what I am experiencing see two posts below!!!

STUBBORN TENANT

Shame has been a resident inside me for most of my life. I am in the process of evicting it. It is a stubborn tenant and does not want to move.

Both my parents, friends and teachers even shamed me while growing up. Why I could not do better or be better. What's Your Problem JBR, are you lazy? Behave!

Even before coming to God, I thought He was that Great Dictator in the sky. Sitting high and mighty on His throne. Even after accepting Him years later, my views remained skewed. I believed I was this bad person. A person that better be good. A person who was shamed. A person who would not live up to the expectations of God, my parents or others. A person who would then be judged and criticized. A person who believed she was a burden. A person who needed to be perfect to be accepted and loved.

As the devotional shares below, the Psalmists rejected the lies. I am in the process of rejecting the lies, evicting them, send them packing. The Lord will replaces the lies with His glory. Will take time. But, He will remove the thoughts and feelings of shame, rejection, neglect, abandonment, people pleasing, fears, hurt, abuse, anger, hate, etc. and in their place He will put His love.

"Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:2-3

We receive messages about ourselves from the important people in our lives. We internalize these messages and carry them with us, repeating them to ourselves as if they were gospel truth. When the messages are shaming messages then the internal chorus chants "You are not lovable. You are beyond repair. Even God cannot help you."

This chorus is a chorus of lies. The psalmist rejects these lies. And we need to begin to reject these lies as well.

The Lord is a "shield around me", the psalmist says. A shield protects. It comes between the blows of an enemy and a person's vulnerable places. Most shields are small and can only protect a limited area from attack. But the shield which the Lord provides completely surrounds us. We can let this shield protect us from these attacking messages.

The psalmist also says that the Lord "bestows glory on me and lifts up my head". Heavy burdens of shame, neglect and abuse have bowed our heads. The Lord listens, pays attention and cares about us. God's love counters the voices of our internal shame-chorus so that we can lift our heads. God replaces our shame with glory. It is a picture of a ragged, neglected child whose head is bowed and shoulders are bent. A king sees the child and goes to him. The king gently lifts the child's chin until his eyes meet his own smiling eyes. He asks the child to come home and live as royalty with him. The child is loved, honored, protected.

You are the child. God lifts your head and bestows glory.

God help me to stop listening to lies about you.
Help me to stop listening to lies about me.
Be a shield around me.
Bestow glory.
Lift up my head.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

NASTY

Been struggling. I am sorting through a major stumbling block. This is a stronghold that I am holding on to.

This is a side of JBR where she can be very nasty. And has been. A side that has not really been dealt with when triggered. JBR somehow gets pleasure out of this nasty side of her. Where she has some control. Realizing that somehow the nastiness brings on boldness and a sense of safety. A "Don't mess with me. I see your fakeyness attitude." I display this behavior if for some reason I do not like you or I am afraid of you. I feel threaten. Does not matter what gender. Although dealing with a male concerns more with being safe and protected. Something deeper is going on here.

BAGGAGE

Got one of those checks in my spirit from the Holy Spirit. A few months back I posted a post with a video called Baggage. Received a great response. But, for some reason this past post has been on my mind today to once again share. Maybe for the one that missed it the first time, or for the ones that need a repeat performance.

This may trigger some of you.
Talks about suicide and divorce.
Be gentle.

STOPPING OUR PAIN

I love the quote below taken from the book Beyond Codependency:

"Some of my feelings have been stored so long they have freezer burn."

Rather than have me elaborate on the devotional below, I will let it speak for itself.

Although I will say this, we all can relate somehow. Pain is inevitable. It takes courage for us who are facing our most frightening fears. To come face to face with our abuse. To let the numbness we have had for many years thaw out. Knowing we are going to feel the pain. Something we have avoided for so many years! But, only for a short while as we work through it. It is okay to feel. You will see.

Let God heal your heart as He is healing mine. There has to come a time where you will have to let go and trust. I am still in the process of fully letting go and trusting. I know it is hard. But,that is the only way to complete recovery and freedom:

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain - temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings.

We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids - temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with our Higher Power's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward - into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

Hazelden Foundation

WE CAN HELP OTHERS

For those of us who are survivors of painful and emotional trauma we have the opportunity to share with others alike who are coming behind us our experiences. Share how we walked through and faced the pain. Walk beside them as well when they go through their own journey.

An excerpt taken from Hazelden Foundation states:

"Coping with problems and weathering troubled times - is part of life. Those of us who have survived painful experiences have a duty to help younger ones prepare to face bad times by sharing the solutions we found."

Also share with them the availability of the healing touch of God and Godly counselors as they seek out help.

Have a blessed Sonday!

TAKING THOUGHTS CAPTIVE

The spiritual world was alive and well during the night.

First I could not fall asleep. My mind would not shut down. I was hot even though I had the a/c on. Then, finally when I was able to fall asleep I was plagued with constant disturbing dreams. Physically exhausted by morning. Evil is ten times worse during the night!

This is all so very new to me these days. I am not used to this kind of attack. Usually the enemy's line of defense takes place when I am awake. But, now uses more of my subconscious. He is changing his tactics because he probably finds more resistance from me in my waking hours.

Lord help me to be constantly mindful to take my thoughts captive.

This is a battle I cannot do alone. The Lord and prayer are part of the plan. Daddy, please show me the lies what I need to see. Help me to understand. I give You the permission to enter my most deepest pain into the center of my core to reveal to me the lies the enemy has led me to believe about my past, my abuse, about myself. I need You more than ever.

I need to really discipline my thought life. This is very hard. Disciplining myself by taking my thoughts captive is going to be well worth the pain though. I do not look forward to the pain. Who would?

Taking my thoughts captive is learning to say no to the attacks and fiery darts of the enemy. It is learning to say yes to God’s way of victory, peace, and yes even joy. Hallelujah.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2.

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds;" 2 Corinthians 10:4

BALANCE BEAM

This is such a powerful short video. Please take the time to view it. Thank you!

THERAPY TODAY

In t. today, I was really bummed out.

My mind was flitting everywhere.

Few topics were discussed:

Things have been heating up with the confrontations I have been having with my mum. Despite the emotional pain for me, it has been encouraging. The controlling issues with my mum are surfacing more and things are heating up each time she tries to control me. But, there is victory at every level.

Secondly, what has been an issue with me for the longest time now, but I finally shared today in t., is at any time when I am overwhelmed and vulnerable, the enemy sees fit to also throw my way memories of the effects of my sexual abuse. He distorts my thinking. Distorts what sex is really about. Brings on fears (some legit because of the abuse) and panic. Having me to believe that there will never be any hope for me in this area to have a satisfying relationship with the opposite sex.

Thirdly, the continued fear of man and being judged.

Finally, that JBR gets excited about her accomplishments and victories. Not that she is not. But to express the excitement and to know that she is entitled to feeling it.

The aforementioned follows with what I was able to put into words today.....

When my heart and mind do connect ever so briefly, whether for an "a-ha" moment or "confirmation of a understanding, or accomplishment" the sensation feels like an explosion or some kind of rush. Boom! It is so quick, then "poof" it is gone. I cannot contain the moment. That is probably why it is hard for me to express my excitement. My flesh fears and still holds on to being protected. But when the Holy Spirit gets involved, then my flesh is over ridden and my heart and mind connect. Cannot wait for the day when the connection last more than a millisecond.

STRUGGLING

I have been struggling all day today emotionally. Probably has a lot to do with my mum and some other stuff that has been surfacing of recent that I have not shared about.

Hoping playing tennis tonight will relieve some of the anxiety and painful emotional turmoil within. Even if it is only temporary.

Something is going on.