SLAVERY TO PEOPLE

As I head out into another unknown week tomorrow, and ask God's Grace to sufficiently fall upon me, I am reminded once again about my slavery to people. People pleasing is just that. Being a slave to others! I have been more afraid what others think of me, then accepting what God alone thinks of me!

Changing into a chameleon daily for different people has been my M.O. Extremely tiresome. I have been so many off-shoots of so many people pleasing techniques, I myself was confused who I really was!

I have noticed in the last few weeks, my desire to break away from this awful bondage is strong. Last week was really 'taxing' on me emotionally and physically. Nevertheless, it was a turning point for me I believe. My determination to break free was at an all time high. Walking into uncharted territory is never fun. Have no clue what to expect. Still do not. Never will. But, one thing I must keep in mind, through it all God is with me!

My pastor today, shared with the congregation that when the merger of my church and his was going on last year and how some from my church literally 'snubbed him' and walked away, he did not feel accepted and just how much it affected him. He shared with us today, how physically ill he became, because he realized he depended so much on what others thought of him. He never experienced this type of so called 'rejection' before.

Through much prayer, he knew his calling was to remain at my church. He knew that he could only get his acceptance through Christ. Saying all this, this man is real. This is big coming from a pastor who is relatively known. Not to knock my previous pastor, who was very well known, but I know for sure he would not have admitted publicly the pain he endured.

Talk about a timely message! My pastor's sermon encouraged me today. Even 'Men of God' can find it difficult with people pleasing as well.

I am believing God to bring along the people in my life that are right for me. Where I do not have to strive to be liked, but just to be me!

PIONEER

Thank you all for your words of comfort and strength!!

God is ever so drawing me closer as I go through my pain! Walking through (unfortunately not running) my journey, as a pioneer, has really been a challenge. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the pain. Then I remember that God is right there along side me and the freedom that awaits!

Many gut wrenching tears were shed this past week as it has really been a rough few days for me. My work place is where my present battle of coming face-to-face with my strongholds that intertwines with the fear of rejection, abandonment and worthiness.

For once I could honestly say and would never of believed myself uttering these words, "I want to be alone this weekend!" Only by the Grace of God that I managed to get through the week! And yet, another week will soon begin. The same Grace that I counted on last week, will have to get me through this week as well!

I have always loved this song by Honeytree and the words are so meaningful to me right now. Perhaps you see yourself as well in the need to keep pressing through into your own frontier!



WORDS TO PIONEER

WITHDRAWALS

I feel like I am going through major withdrawals. In a way would probably welcome what the drug/alcohol withdrawals feel like physically over the emotional withdrawal I am experiencing of breaking away from such a deep rooted emotional bondage of attachment!! The physical withdrawals of the addict may last a few days where the emotional withdrawal seems to go on and on. Not minimizing at all what an addict has to go through, but you know down the line in a few days they feel a whole hell a lot better physically. It is just hell for me for awhile now as my journey intensifies.

Must admit I knew there would be pain involved in my healing, but, I had no idea the extent of how emotionally painful and taxing on my body my journey would take me.

I am really just plain tired all around!!!!!

That being said..... if I did not know what I would be facing on my way to freedom, I would of quit a long time ago! I said right from the beginning when I first walked into my t. office, “With God's leading and main help, I am in this for the long run. I will not BS you and waste my time, your time and my money. I will be up-front and be as honest as best as I know how to be. I want to be set free!!”

LET THE PAIN COME

My Daddy in Heaven knows the pain I have been going through! I especially need Him as my journey intensifies!!

When I went walking this morning and crying out to Him in anguish, as tears ran down my face, He reminded me gently, "To Let The Pain Come. That He is with me! Try not to question His ways, but just let whatever happens happen."

I hope this comforts any who are going through deep pain as well!

DEVIL YOU LIE!

I want to truly thank you all very much for your prayers and support for me yesterday as I shared my "Trilogy of In My Moments."

The devil is trying to do a number on me in feeling guilty for apologizing to my people pleasing person. The butthead even woke me up and either him or his assigned demon to me started right away with, "Why did you apologize? You had nothing to apologize for?"

Right away doubt along with tremendous guilt and fear of rejection once again settled in me in the wee hours of the morning. Then I had to counter-act my thinking with, "I knew this was not of God!" Very Hard!

Devil, am I this special to you, that you have to bombard me so heavily into believing your ways? Obviously you know I am getting closer to what the Lord has in store for me to wake me up and with such lies!

Sure, I have anxiety and uncertainty in heading out into the work field this morning. I rather crawl up in a corner the rest of my life. I still struggle with how I am going to handle adversity when it does appear. I am scared.... I am very scared. I know what I am capable of with hurting others with my own pain. I hate to keep on apologizing and feeling rejected. But, I am praying that each time I do become stronger! Hey, after all, that is what the process of the journey is all about, correct?

Again, the Spirit in me is once again saying, I have to become even more intimate with Jesus! Then I question myself, "Lord am I not?" Apparently not! I am called to even go deeper!!!

If the devil continues to try and tell me I am going to stay the way I am forever, he is lying. God promises in His word that He has begun a good work in me and He also will finish it (see Philippians 1:6).

So I am hanging onto this!!!

DADDY I'M HURTING!!!!!

I want God to be tangible!!!!!!

I want Him to hold me right now!!!!!!

I want to actually feel and touch Him!!!!!!

I am confused!!!!

Daddy, I am hurting really bad!!!!!

Touch my pain!!!!!

FEEL LIKE A NOTHING

I feel like a damn failure. The person is oblivious to what had happened. No confrontation. They are only contributing that my behavior is due to the fact my issues are affecting me more than usual. I feel worse than ever. Everso worthless, weak and used. I hate not having a grip on when I become to discouraged! I feel they have it all together and can handle anything, and I am still plagued by my deep emotional attachment to them which is just tearing me up inside. I want the pain to end! Boils down to not liking myself. If I did, I would be able to handle what is happening. I am trying so hard to rely on God at this point. I feel rejected and ignored. Trust is not there anymore. I know I am not all that I claim in this post and trying to desperately believe that I am not. But, I am sorry I am just not doing well, probably talking in circles.....

THERAPEUTIC POOL

I discovered as I tried to take it easy this weekend, my pool at my condo they insist on having the heat on. When you first step in, you want to step out! But, I welcome this heat sooooooo much now. My body aches all over and it feels very therapeutic! I have been going very early in the morning, 7:00 a.m. before the pool is even open. I take advantage of my time alone and the opportunity to commune with God. Even though it is not considered a 'hot tub,' it is the next best thing to it!

Until I am caught for going too early by my "condo-comados," I will try and go every morning even before work.

ATMOSPHERE OF YOUR LIFE

I totally get what the author says here! Not an easy task, but truly is the solution. Especially with what I will have to face on Monday. Which I will share about in tomorrows post:

DEAR JESUS,

I waste a lot of time worrying about storms I can see forming along the horizon of my life. Thankfully, many of them in the past have veered off in another direction; never reaching me. Some storms have actually hit, but usually they've lost much of their power by the time they get to me. I need to switch my focus from difficulties that may come my way to Your Presence, which is always with me.

BELOVED,

You will never find security by trying to anticipate all the storms that may reach you someday. Remember that I control the atmosphere of your life. Trust Me by relaxing and releasing your concerns into My capable care. It saddens Me to see you obsessing about possible problems, rather than bringing these matters to Me. When you find yourself anxiously scanning the horizon of your life, use that as a reminder to seek My face. You will not find Me off in the distance. I am here beside you, nearer than you dare believe.

Instead of wasting time worrying, devote that time to developing close friendship with Me. Talk with Me about everything that concerns you-your pleasures as well as your problems. I am interested in everything that matters to you, because I am your perpetual Lover. Ask Me to lift your perspective from a problem focus to a Presence focus. Remember that I am holding you by your right hand. I guide you with My own counsel, based on eternal wisdom; so there's no need to worry about the future. When the time comes, I will personally escort you into Glory.

It is good for you to be near Me. Your best refuge in life's storms is close friendship with Me. (Sarah Young)

FACING CONFRONTATION

God has me in a place that is very uncomfortable. He is having me stand up and have a voice! Something I ever hardly do. Especially growing up.

As a young child, when I would hear my parents fight and I was in the same room, I remember now, I would crawl into a chair and bring my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, crying and pleading for them to stop fighting. Or I would hide around the corner listening to their verbal abuse, sliding down the wall as I dissolved into a heap of tears. Cringing at every inflection of their anger. My pleads did not work. I felt at a lost. I was not able to help. I felt "it was my fault."

Hearing and witnessing the pain in my own soul when I had to listen to them fight and the hurt they displayed for one another damaged my belief system. Where in fact my little mind was so confused thinking, "is this what love is all about?" No wonder confrontation of any kind is so very painful for me! I have associated love with pain. And then having my brother molest me brought even more confusion to the table.

I shut down even more. That is why I am so prone to given in. To being the weaker one. To letting people take advantage of me across the board. To feeling a failure.

So, the big scary monster is becoming more prevalent in my life these days. My style of dealing with conflict would be to run. Avoid it like the plague. The emotional pain is so unbearable many times. The idea of speaking my mind and having worth is so very scary for me still!!

BUT.....

I know God wants to give me grace in this area. To become stronger. To be set free! To be me! To gain more wisdom in how to deal with the big scary monster and to trust Him!

A GENTLE SPIRIT CRUSHED

I came home from work early today. I am really not feeling very well. Plan on just staying in literally all weekend and resting.

When I came home from work, I crashed right away and fell asleep. Only to be awoken by these words, "I Am A Gentle Spirit Crushed."

Okay, God now what?

Right away I related these words to my present situation. I asked God to show me in my heart how to interpret the words. Revealed to me I believe, is that I am truly a gentle person at heart. Lately my spirit has been crushed more than normal in body soul and mind.

The words, "that I am a gentle spirit" brought comfort to me. I guess because I feel emotionally I have been beaten-up by my circumstances. Even beating up on myself so damn much that I am this bad person, the Lord is showing me, 'No, JBR you are not bad."

SUTURED UP

Joyce Meyer quotes from her book, Battlefield of the Mind:

"...In my book Battlefield of the Mind, I also write about Mary’s husband, John, a low-key type person. He was a man who had been verbally abused by his mother and taunted by playmates in childhood. He hated confrontation and couldn’t stand up to Mary’s strong will. In his own way, John was as much a prisoner as his wife. He blamed her; she blamed him—and here we see Satan’s deceptive ways again."

"John also believed another lie of the devil—that he wasn’t truly loved by God. How could he be? He wasn’t worth loving. Because he felt that way, he had believed the devil’s lies. “I felt as if God said to the world, ‘Believe in Jesus and you’ll be saved.’ I got in on some kind of package deal—but I never felt I was worth loving.”

This is how I have been feeling as of late. The Lord has me in an extremely painful spot in my journey. Where I am going to have to need Him MORE THAN EVER!!! How much I have to rely on trusting Him MORE THAN EVER!!! Believing if things are painful, that He is there comforting me and reminding me that I Am Loved. Something that is so very hard for me!!

I pleaded with Him that I am not strong yet to go through this particular pain! For some reason, He's not listening..... Does that ever happen to you??? :)

In fact, He impressed upon me that things will even become a bit worse before they get better. But that, He would be with me and that I needed to go through the pain in order to become stronger and reach my goal on the other side! So pain here I go....

I feel so much like Mary's husband John. I am at a place now where first I am struggling to believe I am so much worthy in God's eyes and secondly hating to set up even more powerful boundaries in order to have a voice and not fear what others think of me in order to reach my destiny to freedom!

Having to train my thinking to take a different route now. A more healthier one. One that repeats and believes that, "It is not about me. I have no control over what others think about me. I did NOT cause the situation." This is so hard for me. I do not want people to think bad about me!

Yes, God is even using Christians in my life, who mean well, to penetrate my open wound to my heart. A wound that is so very raw and infected and in need to be sutured up with His love and once and for all healed!

I want to thank you all for your continued support, love, concern for me! You truly mean a lot to me. Will not lie, at times it is hard for me to digest the loving comments you leave for me, because of my belief system, but I am so thankful that you have not given up on me and encourage me every step of the way!

MY EYES SPEAK

AFRAID TO SPEAK

I was always afraid to talk. Fear of saying something stupid and being ridiculed. My dad would make me feel uncomfortable when speaking to him. I felt pressure to be right and intelligent sounding. It seemed he demanded so much more from me.

Fear of speaking up spilled over into school. I would always sit in the back hide myself behind the kid in front of me, or some kind of partition, hoping to be invisible to the teacher when she looked around the room to see who she can call on to read out loud or answer her question that I did not even pay attention to in the first place. Most of the time, I was successful in hiding, other times not. Sheer panic gripped me out of the fear in giving the wrong answer. Having the kids laugh at me when I did so just confirmed to me "stupid." I remember breaking out in a sweat because of the fear of being wrong. Feeling so much emotional pain across the board did not make things easier.

I am now just getting my voice back. Still extremely hard for me to share an opinion out of fear of not making sense and then people not understanding my logic. Very hard. Requires stepping out in faith! Slowly but surely as I find my worth more in Christ and press on in my journey speaking will become easier!

MOVING FORWARD IS PAINFUL

Even though I am finding many times moving forward in my journey is beneficial, the pain that goes along with the healing can be down right excruciating!

Dealing with my issues in the present, the memories of the past come up in order to show me how I was affected growing up with the disapproval from my father. It could have been anything. He just was an impatient man who thought one should catch on quick.

My crying would not be appreciated by my father as his negative cutting remarks or disapproval of me would spill out of his mouth. I quickly learned not to cry in front of him or not at all.

I cry now as I type these words in the privacy of my home before the Lord. It is no wonder I feel shame to cry in front of anyone, because I was shamed for doing it growing up. I had to suck-it-up around my father.

Already on his second marriage with three children from his previous, he repeated his pattern when married to my mother. The bottle and porno were his best friends. Although he did pay more attention to my older brothers, I felt left out and wanted his attention. I wanted so much to be included! I do not have many cherished memories alone with my father. I filled the emptiness with turning my attention to playing all day with the neighborhood kids and fantasizing.

After my mother divorced my father when I was eleven, and I was forced to move away into a whole new realm of pain with my mother and her new husband, I isolated. Going from a playful active kid to within weeks of turning into a introvert who did not understand the meaning of turmoil and emotional pain was frightening.

To this day, the pain of isolation is so very hard for me to handle. The sheer aloneness of feeling unconnected to humanity a lot of the time paralyzes me. The isolation blends right along with feeling rejected and abandoned. It is hard for me to reach out to people because of the issues I mentioned above. My sensitivity in reading someones negative body language before they even speak, will prevent me from approaching.

Because I was never intended to be isolated! I chose to be in order to not feel!

Now I feel and it is very painful!

NOT ALLOWED TO GROW UP

My harmful substance of choice growing up was isolation and la-la land. I was just too scared to handle anything due to a lot of my mother projecting her irrational fears onto me, so I hid most of my life.

In a nut shell, my mother did NOT let me become an adult. She did mostly everything for me while growing up, i.e. cook, laundry etc. She said she could not trust me. She had to be in control!

She would force me to wear clothes I did not like. (She still does this to this day. Except she gives me the clothes and I just put them in a pile to eventually give them away as I have in the past).

As I got a little older, she would insist on putting makeup on me so thick, I looked like a clown. My facial expression was not of glee. When she was not happy with my response to something she would sugar coat the word stupid with "you little stupideedo you." Did not matter how she sugar coated the word, it still stung.

Then she would tell me how to pose, walk and carry myself and smile. She wanted me to become a model, or an airline stewardess or a nurse. Everything she wanted. I was set against all this crap!! I knew nothing else but my mother's opinions.

She forced me to go with her and apply to some of the top modeling agencies in New York at the time. Talk about humiliation! I had no clue how to conduct myself at such a very young age with an adult. I was 15 or so and I remember to this day the man telling me that I was too old and too over weight and we are not looking for your kind. Now to a 15 year old who's had a child's mentality of 8 or 9 to hear those words was devastating. I later told my mother and naturally she said, "they don't know what they are talking about." Same thing with the airlines when I was about 18. I was not cut out for that. My grades were so bad to even consider nursing school, but my mother argued and tried for the school to consider me. Thank God they did not!

One time, I must have been around 19, she went with me to an interview for a job. They actually let her sit in on my interview and she would answer some of the questions the employer was asking me. And if I did not answer right away, I remember her turning to me saying, "you know the answer." How humiliating! Did I know better? I was conditioned! I only knew mother. And "No," I certainly DID NOT get the job.

The more I let God into my broken heart now, the more He is revealing to me just how sick my relationship with my mother was over all these years. How she stifled my growth into an adult. Fear played soooooo much a big part in this sickness. No wonder a lot of the time I created my own la-la land, as that was the only land I could control through all my pain.

School was also the only place I ventured out sort-of-speak. As quiet and isolated as I was, still I was able to experiment and get a glimpse of "life" not always choosing the good, but still, I knew I could without my mother watching and deal with the consequences myself.

Even though I do struggle with a lot of shame and still blaming myself for many things, I am at least recognizing now, "Houston there was a problem."

TRANSCENDENT to SUPERNATURAL

The more I am open to the healing touch of the Holy Spirit, the more God reveals to me the depth of my pain and asks that I trust Him with it.

Before my journey, my coping skills to survive my pain of abuse, neglect, shame, guilt have been hiding behind many masks. Pretending to be someone I was not.

For one of my life's examples in the past: "Let's see, whom shall I be today?" "I am really hurting bad today because someone in my class made a nasty comment about me, so I will put on my 'mean tough looking mask' and show them that I am invincible and their comment did not hurt me." All the while, I am dying dying dying inside!

I used that mask it seemed the most. For one, it put up a front, and second, if looks could kill, my 'mean looking mask' killed! Kept people at bay. Was my safety mask. Unfortunately, no one could get close to me though. Would even use this mask when I was very angry at my mother when I would come home from school and she would be drunk. I know she hated that mask because she would yell at me for being so mean to her!

It was and still is at times very painful Just to be Me! But, I am getting there.

God asks that we NOT fear Him. To go beyond the transcendent life to the supernatural. In the realm of the supernatural, there are so many pieces to the puzzle that all fit together that we are not even aware of, but God is! He wants us to trust Him, to live by faith and not sight and watch and wait to see what He will do.

Many times you may be thinking 'you are dying,' 'you cannot continue in your emotional pain,' but what I am finding out, each time, as I call out to Him, He does hear. May not be right away, but He does hear and He is our refuge and dwelling place in our most difficult times:

BLAME SHIFTING

T. yesterday proved to be yet another eye opener. Processing the information is a bit more intense for me. The continuation on the topic of shame and what was discussed astounded me. Especially learning and seeing nothing wrong with the following until yesterday when I mentioned to my t. that my mother was still bathing me at the age of 12.

I need to be kept reminded that it was my parents who were responsible for their actions over me. Very very very hard reminder!!

This time, blame shifting is okay!

......SO I will work on believing that .........

I was NOT responsible!

............ and ..........

It was NOT my fault!

As of 1:00 p.m. Update on Haiti and co-workers

**** UPDATED ****
As of 1:00 EST

We are getting emails from some of our staff in Haiti. Mike, referred below works in my office here in Florida. He just left for Haiti on Monday. I spoke with him before he left:

Mike is ok. He is with the folks at Save the Children in Petionville. They are hunkering down and staying put, trying to help where they can. He is sleeping in the car as they don't think the building is safe. They are located near the Hotel Montana and say, by the looks of things, it's one of the hardest hit areas.

They have plenty of water but are running out of food. However, they said that they have contacts that know where they are and should be able to get food to them.

They're all safe.

Then someone who works with me has family over there and she sent out an email to all of us in-house:

Thank you for all your support. Praise the Lord, I just received an email from my mom with a brief update. Basically, God did a big miracle and he allowed that both my parents who were in Port-au-Prince left for Cayes yesterday before the earthquake happened and it occurred while they were on their way to Cayes (now, that’s a miracle, and not a coincidence that they happened to leave for Cayes yesterday of all times). Still no communication from my family who in Port-au-Prince who were still there and who witnessed my dad’s house collapsing, but we’re trusting in God and thanking Him for this miracle.

Below is my mom’s email to me in response to my countless attempts at contact through email and phone, I have inserted notes in parentheses to explain things that she wrote:

“Dear Jijine (her nickname for me)

I (my mom) am doing fine. Chavannes ( my dad) came back to Cayes with me yesterday afternoon. It's when we get to Cayes that we heard about the earthquake. Unfortunately I cannot hear from Mom and dad, Ruth, Paul or Gina (all family members in the area of the tragedy). Please call them on their international phone and let me know. I heard that universite lumiere collapse, I don't know at what time Ruth finishes working. It bothers me not to be able to hear from anyone. Denise and Renel (my aunt and uncle who were in my dad’s house in Port-au-Prince that collapsed) called Chavannes but they don't know about them. Chavannes with Digicel can receive calls but he cannot call but I myself with Voila cannot receive any call. I am praying.”

Love and prayers,
Manmie

Yet another co-worker with good news:

Just heard from Claud in Guatemala --

Michelle, the kids and the family are fine. Not sure of the extent of damage as he spoke to Michelle's brother, not her directly. But they are all ok.

Thank you God!


* * * *



My company where I work, ministers to third world countries, Haiti being our main one.

Since the terrible earthquake of yesterday, here is an update on some of our people who are in Haiti. We have an office in Port au Prince and that was spared along with our staff members. Praise God!! The hotel which is very popular next to our office was crushed. Unbelievable. All of our staff members are accounted for thus far. Unfortunately, one of them has a wife and child in Port au Prince and has not heard from them.

A few of my co-workers here in the States, have family in Haiti and have not heard from them.

A lot of tears, prayers and confessing in the Spirit has been going on all this morning at work!

Our company is on high alert trying to get funds out to Haiti and special shipments. Very busy.

Will keep you posted with updates!

Keep Haiti in your prayers.

**UPDATE ** As of 1:00 p.m. CO-WORKERS IN HAITI

My company where I work, ministers to third world countries, Haiti being our main one.

Since the terrible earthquake of yesterday, here is an update on some of our people who are in Haiti. We have an office in Port au Prince and that was spared along with our staff members. Praise God!! The hotel which is very popular next to our office was crushed. Unbelievable. All of our staff members are accounted for thus far. Unfortunately, one of them has a wife and child in Port au Prince and has not heard from them.

A few of my co-workers here in the States, have family in Haiti and have not heard from them.

A lot of tears, prayers and confessing in the Spirit has been going on all this morning at work!

Our company is on high alert trying to get funds out to Haiti and special shipments. Very busy.

Will keep you posted with updates!

Keep Haiti in your prayers.

**** UPDATED ****
As of 1:00 EST

We are getting emails from some of our staff in Haiti. Mike, referred below works in my office here in Florida. He just left for Haiti on Monday. I spoke with him before he left:

Mike is ok. He is with the folks at Save the Children in Petionville. They are hunkering down and staying put, trying to help where they can. He is sleeping in the car as they don't think the building is safe. They are located near the Hotel Montana and say, by the looks of things, it's one of the hardest hit areas.

They have plenty of water but are running out of food. However, they said that they have contacts that know where they are and should be able to get food to them.

They're all safe.

WOUNDS GOD CAN USE

I am amazed how much God wants to commune with me despite my wounds and weaknesses.

Rejection, I am discovering, is a very deep wound for me. It cuts like a cold steel knife to my soul. My insides crumble as I hear stinging words or looks that give the appearance of rejection. When that would happen, I would withdraw even more into myself; vowing never to speak up again or avoid situations of the same all together.

Brings back memories of my father shaming me over something I should have known better. I knew I was about to experience a put down from my father when he would begin by saying, "honey." Sounds endearing, but it was not. Or the countless times at school being known as the "dumb stupid one." Feeling rejected.

Being laughed at because I was not considered cool or smart. Shame would engulf me as my belief system would be that people did not like me to begin with and that I was a nobody! So, I proceeded to treat myself as such time and time again.


During the sixth grade, Peanuts/Charlie Brown was a popular program and cartoon strip at the time. There was a click of girls from my sixth grade class that I wanted to hang out with. The main click girl was giving out the names of all the characters to the other click girls in my class. I desperately wanted to join and begged if I could. They all laughed and said that I would have to have the Peanut character of "Pig Pen." The one that that stunk and was dirty. I was not thrilled with the choice, but I took it, because I wanted to belong. Yeah, I was made fun of that year with the title of Pig Pen. The girls still rejected me regardless.

Although I did rebel in a quiet way, by destroying school property on occasion, i.e. gaining access to the gym teachers locker which held a starting pistol and shooting off all the rounds inside the locker room. Oh how deafening. Thank goodness no one was there. Ripping up important documents that were not locked up. No one ever knowing it was I who did the evil deed.

But, I CANNOT hide from this pain. Only way I can overcome is through the pain.

Part of my recovery is stepping out into the unknown. Will I be rejected by others for what I say? Sure, some will not like me. Knowing this and continuing to step out in faith, will ONLY build me up despite the attempts of being knocked down by rejection at times. There can only be good out of pain sometimes! This is growth, painful growth though.

Jesus wants to heal the pain of my heart in order for me to be able to share with other hurting people just how much He desires to heal us. I hesitate saying the word "love" at this time, only because I am not there yet. Even though that is what He desires for His children to experience above all!

Who would of thought (only God) that in my woundedness, in addition to being sexually abused by my brother when I was 8/9, He can use me still for His glory!!

HOLY SPIRIT IS JUST TOO FUNNY

I have said in a previous post that the song, Revelation Song has the Holy Spirit written all over it, for me that is! I should only play the song when I am home because the Fire of Spirit hits me so powerfully. I have also stated, I would not play that song in my car, because of that fact. Afraid I could run off the road, cause and accident or something.

Rough day at work today and I felt the need of the Holy Spirit to fall upon me right away. So Track 2 of my CD went on in my car, and the Revelation Song began. Grant it I am only 2 miles from my place of work. I remember at one point resting my head back on the seat rest thingy while waiting for the light to change. From then on, I have no clue how I arrived home tonight. But, the most interesting and funny aspect of this was I ended up in someone else's parking spot in another building in my complex. I laughed as I realized what I did. Talk about being under the power! Wo----

JUMP OFF THE CLIFF

Jump!

I said Jump!

Whether you are in recovery or just depending on Jesus daily, relying on Him 100% is a challenge. That is what He requires of us.

Relying is a BIG JUMP into awaiting arms that will catch us! Do you believe there are awaiting arms to catch you though?? Many times I do not. But.....

I am desiring to and moving towards....

The thought of giving all my problems and worries to Him is so freeing. Sure, it can be done. It is a tremendous leap of faith and a lot is at stake, like your reputation, giving up control, your fears, your painful past, the unknown, etc.

Am I there in trusting Him completely, "No-Way!" Although, I believe every situation I go through, tackling the fear of not being not liked, the thoughts of abandonment, rejection, to name a few brings me closer to the freedom I am seeking!

I desire to delight in You Lord Jesus! DESIRE!!!

Are you willing to jump off the cliff into His arms knowing He will catch you and never let you down as He goes with you on your journey?

My deep desire is that you learn to depend on Me in every situation. I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training.

DEAR JESUS,

I love depending on You-afterward! When the task before me is too challenging for me to handle confidently, I almost instinctively turn to You for help. These are times when I am painfully aware of my inadequacy, my need to depend on Someone far greater than I. They are scary moments-times of having to act on my belief that You will not let me down. These occasions of stepping out in faith feel very much like jumping off a cliff into open space, trusting You to catch me in mid air. And You do! That is when I feel jubilant-after I've just experienced Your intervention: rescuing me and enabling me to accomplish things I could never do alone.

BELOVED,

It is good that you have experienced My intervening help many times. Had you refused to "jump off the cliff," you would not have had those thrilling experiences. I hope your feelings of fear will diminish as I prove My faithfulness to you time after time. Let Me suggest a technique that can help: When you face an event that unnerves you, take time to affirm your trust in Me-repeatedly, if need be. This takes your attention off yourself and your fear, helping you focus on Me and My great faithfulness.

Though I'm pleased by your willingness to depend on Me in tough situations, I desire much more from you. I want you to rely on Me even when you feel competent to handle a situation yourself. I have given you talents and abilities. When you utilize them, remember to do so thankfully, asking Me to help you use them wisely: according to My will. This collaborative way of doing things will not only help you accomplish more; it will also keep you close to Me-communing with Me, delighting in Me, enjoying Me. (Sarah Young)

FIFTH DIMENSION

I DO NOT want to be Three Dimensional!!!

I want to be in the Fifth Dimension.

The presence of my Lord! Lord Jesus, my heart's cry is to continue to seek Your face. Fall upon my knees! Lord grant me the faith required to be in Your Fifth Dimension! Let my spirit soar with Yours! Let Your Spirit sear and burn through my being! Let me experience Your love! Let me get a taste of heaven!

Lord I never want to lose what You have already given me in the Spirit! In fact, I would want to have more of the fullness that You offer! As much as I can handle!

Are you experiencing His Fifth Dimension?

In addition to the three dimensions of space and the one of time, there is the dimension of openness to My Presence. This one transcends the other four, giving you glimpses of heaven while you still reside on earth.

DEAR JESUS,

I'm trying to wrap my mind around the concept of this fifth dimension-openness to Your Presence. It seems quite reasonable, because I know You transcend both space and time. However, I'm a time-bound creature: I can exist only in the present. Also, the world I see around me is decidedly three-dimensional. So, understanding this fifth dimension is a "stretch" for me-a stretch of faith.

BELOVED,

You are right on target. Openness to My Presence is all about faith: believing that though I am invisible. I am both Real and really with you. This is foundational to knowing Me. However, there is also an art to knowing Me. It is very personal, because each of My followers has a unique relationship with Me: comprised of all your communication with Me, your love for Me, your receptivity and responsiveness to Me.

Sometimes when you are seeking My Face, My Presence becomes more real to you than the space-time moment you occupy. The reality of My glorious Being outshines your current circumstances and lifts you above them. You feel free, and your spirit soars with Me. You rejoice in Me and are strengthened by that divine Joy. Thus, you enjoy glimpses of heaven while continuing to dwell on earth. (Sarah Young)

STALLED!

I live in South Florida!! I am sure if you are hearing the news as of late, we are in it!

This is one of the coldest day in South Florida since the early 1970's. I think the record for the coldest was in 1940 for Miami at 28 degrees. Anyway, the temprature is hovering around the freezing mark, with a wind chill in the mid twenties.

I just came back from my car. Something told me to go and warm up my car before heading out to church this morning! I did. But, my 12 year old car kept on stalling. Not used to this cold weather. So, I decided to not attempt going out to church today. Even my CD player in the car was skipping!

I was planning on heading back to church today, but I will have to wait another week.

WORSHIP for WORRY

I have not been to church in close to two months.

Been a emotionally deep struggle for me. I plan on going tomorrow. It will not be easy!! Part of my "being out of sorts" this week.

I do want to go. I want to be in God's House. Worship with the body of Christ. Even though, that will be a slow process for me at this time. I am very uncertain and anxious:

Be not afraid or dismayed . . . for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15

If life sometimes seems to be a battle that causes you to feel upset and fearful, you’ll be glad to know you were not meant to fight the battle alone. The Bible says the battle is God’s.

God never loses a battle. And when you work with Him according to His plan, you won’t either.

During trying times, do you worry or worship? Praise and worship should not be limited to a few minutes in church. If you’re not worshipping at home on a regular basis you may feel like the victim instead of the victor.

But God’s Word clearly details the Holy Ghost anointed battle plan to combat every challenge you face. When you begin to substitute praise for petition and worship for worry, God will move on your behalf.

From the book Ending Your Day Right: Devotions for Each Evening of the Year by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2004 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

SUSPENDED

I feel out of sorts.

THOUGHTS

I am ever so near you, hovering over your shoulder, reading every thought. People think that thoughts are fleeting and worthless, but yours are precious to Me.

DEAR JESUS,

This is glorious-yet disconcerting! My thinking is not only the part of me that feels most hidden and secret; it is also the most difficult part of my behavior to master. In relationships with other people I can interact with them while keeping my secret thoughts to myself. Your ability to read my every thought is alarming, but it is also wonderful. It's a relief that there is Someone from whom I cannot hide: Secretiveness breeds loneliness. Moreover, the fact that You care about every aspect of me-even all my thoughts-demonstrates how important I am to You.

BELOVED,

I know how difficult it is for you to control your thoughts. Your mind is a battleground, and evil spirits work tirelessly to influence your thinking: even deceiving you with intrusive thoughts at times. Your own sinfulness also finds ample expression in your thoughts. You need to stay alert and fight against evil! I fought and died for you, so remember who you are and Whose you are. Thus, you put on the helmet of salvation. This helmet not only protects your mind, it also reminds you of the victory I secured for you on the cross.

Your thoughts are precious to Me because you are My treasure. As soon as your thinking turns My way, I notice and rejoice. The more thoughts you bring to Me, the more you can share in My joy. I disarm evil thoughts and render them powerless. Then I help you think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable-excellent and praiseworthy things. Ponder these things, while resting in the Peace of My Presence. (Sarah Young)

My thoughts are so very precious to Him. Wow! He cares so much about me, and that I am that important to Him. Even when my thinking is influenced by the enemy He cares to show me how to go into battle and ward off the evilness. Wo----

It was no accident that I received this book as a gift for Christmas. I am at a point in my journey that I need it impressed upon me minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day how much God cares and loves me! I did not get the proper love growing up from my parents. One neglected me and the other toxicly smothered me.

The acceptance of the "love aspect" of my journey is just as hard as going through the emotional pain. Again, it is not that I disbelieve that God loves me, it is that I have not come to the point where my heart is welcoming this truth! I am getting there though! One day!! Praise God!

WILL I EVER FEEL TO FORGIVE

I often wonder will I even come to the point of actually "forgiving" my brother who molested me? I do not feel any anger towards him. Am I normal to feel this way?

Sure I see how my life turned out and how the abuse had an effect on my thinking in the relationship(s) area. How I ran away from intimacy. How fearful I was to become involved.

It is just now angering me that I missed out so much in life where I could have gotten married, but the fear of intimacy kept me in bondage! Do I blame my brother for this? I just do not feel it!

How can I forgive someone that I am not angry at? Is this wrong if I never have the feelings to forgive? Sure the other crap that was going on at the same time of the abuse, my parents divorce did not help matters any. My emotional state went downhill from there. There would have been no way I could have succeeded in any type of serious relationship. My mentality was heading in reverse as I retreated into my own world. So, do I blame my brother for this with regards to the intimacy part?

I have been pondering for a while about posting on this topic. Just did not feel comfortable about it until now.

CHALLENGING OTHERS TO CHANGE

I do NOT confront often. In fact, I avoid it as much as possible. Watching debates on television upset me, and I turn the channel.

Fear of offending, not being liked and failure rings loud when the word confrontation comes up in my vocabulary. Nevertheless, I have done it! On more than one occasion! Not liking it as I go. I have pushed beyond what "I" thought were 'my limits' (I know I can do it) and faced the challenges, and have said some things as best I could in Christian love to someone(s) I cared about that I had some concerns over. Was not always easy! And also it is not always easy when you are on the receiving end too. Had many a time there mostly. But, if you are open to receiving a word and pray about it afterward, God will share with you what you need to see! But, you must be open to Him!

The devotional below shares that God has given us the duty and the ability to confront others in a compassionate tough love way in order to help.

Have you ever known that you were on the wrong path and needed someone to help guide you? Have you unknowingly been wrong and, looking back, wish someone had intervened? Confrontation is a loving and appropriate challenge. It's not pointing a finger at sin. It's pointing to the truth that sets us free.

Whether or not a hearty verbal interaction appeals to you, God has given you both the duty and the ability to confront others. Think of His Word as a relational textbook. In the beginning, God set an example when He called out to Adam after the first sin. From the initial questioning in Genesis to the fiery corrections in Revelation, the Bible shows God confronting His people . . . each time with the intent of molding them into the best they can be.

God has a history of using us to keep each other on track. Listen carefully. He may be asking you to help. When you do confront someone, ask God to search your heart and make your motives pure. Then ask for wisdom, words and courage. He'll be faithful to provide.
(Hope for the Heart)

CRUSHED INTO FINE CLAY

My present circumstances, your present circumstances, good, bad, indifferent are never wasted with God.

God can mold us to what He intended for us to be. I especially like the following: "To do that, He may have to crush the few pieces we have left into fine clay, water us with His Word, reshape our lumpy mass of leftovers, and put us back on His potter's wheel."

I want to be set free! I do not want to depend so highly on people. People will disappoint you, no doubt! God will not! I want the chains of bondage of abuse, shame, guilt, condemnation, fear, etc. to fall away.

Anyway, I pray this devotional will touch you in a special way. It has me:

Gather up now the fragments (the broken pieces that are left over), so that nothing may be lost and wasted.
— John 6:12

No experience in your life is ever wasted or in vain if you give all your cares to the Lord. Even if your fragmented life looks like an abandoned battlefield, Jesus can reshape all the pieces of your past into something beautiful.

After Jesus had fed five thousand people with just a few loaves of bread and two small fish, He told His disciples, "Gather up now the fragments (the broken pieces that are left over), so that nothing may be lost and wasted." (John 6:12) The disciples gathered up twelve baskets of food from the leftovers, still much more than the small offering of loaves and fishes that was made to Jesus in the first place.

God set me free from fear, insecurity, emotional addictions, and the bondage of a deep-rooted sense of rejection. Then He reshaped my fragmented life and gave me the glorious privilege of teaching His people how they can be whole; how they can have fruitful, happy lives and ministries; and how they can enjoy healthy, loving relationships.

We need inner strength to keep from being overwhelmed by outward circumstances. We must allow God to gather up our fragmented dreams and remold us into the image of Christ. To do that, He may have to crush the few pieces we have left into fine clay, water us with His Word, reshape our lumpy mass of leftovers, and put us back on His potter's wheel. But He is more than capable of designing something miraculous from whatever we have left to give Him.

From the book New Day, New You: 365 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2007 by Joyce Meyer. Published by FaithWords. All rights reserved.

HATE MAKING MISTAKES

I could not have found a more timely "Dear Jesus" then the following. I marvel at the certain words the author uses here, as some were the exact words and sentiment I used on my recent post "Admitting I Am Weak."

DEAR JESUS,

I desperately want to believe that my mistakes can somehow be used for good in Your kingdom. The truth is, I hate making mistakes! This attitude can easily translate into hating myself for having messed up. When I let my mind run freely at such a time, I find myself fantasizing about what might have been-if only I had acted or chosen differently. I definitely need a strong dose of Your transforming grace!

BELOVED,

The best strategy for accepting yourself, even when you make mistakes, is living close to Me. This nearness helps you see things from My perspective. You tend to view yourself as someone who should be almost perfect, making very few errors. My perspective is quite different: I see you as My beloved child-weak in many ways, prone to wandering from Me. However, your weakness and waywardness cannot diminish My constant Love for you. Moreover, My infinite wisdom enables Me to take your errors and weave them into an intricate work that is good.

You need to accept not only yourself but also the choices you have made. Fantasizing about having done things differently is a time wasting trap. It is impossible to live close to Me while you're indulging in such unreality. The more you fantasize, the further from Me you wander. When you realize this has happened, turn around and run back to Me! Take time to talk with Me and relax in My Presence. Your perfectionist tendencies will dissolve as you soak in My transforming grace. (Sarah Young)

I cannot tell you how terrible of a stronghold it is to feel you have to be perfect. The critical and judgemental spirit of my father cutting me down verbally and my mother who would never let me learn how to do anything, and would always do it for me, had helped shaped my thinking of having to be a perfect person in order to be accepted.

I desire to soak in God's transforming grace and grow closer to Him! To accept I am human, and not get bent out of shape when I make a mistake.

As long as I believe THAT I AM NOT A MISTAKE....then I am okay!!!!

****UPDATE**** STRUGGLING

Things are better. Thank you for your prayers!

I also want to share an inspired blog PATRICIA SINGLETON who is also an abuse survivor.

HELP!!!

I AM STRUGGLING, HURTING, STRUGGLING, HURTING, STRUGGLING, HURTING.

At the same time feeding my thoughts with 'that my self-worth comes from Christ only, not from others!!!!'

I knew this may not be easy today. But, praying each time it will get a little less painful!!!

Trying to keep focus that this is where God wants me right now. Not over yonder, not over there, but here!!!!!

I feel God is telling me, "JBR do not compare yourself with others and where they are at! In time I will give you your "ministry" that you so desire!!!!!! You will have to trust me first and believe you are worthy, then I can give more to you!"

Breakthrough come quickly PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

ON MY KNEES

Before I went to sleep last night I prayed for the Lord to reveal something to me special. I was hurting and oppression settled on me heavily! I really needed to hear from Him as I go out into the world today!!! I did not know what to expect and kind of forgot my prayer request from last night until I woke up this morning. Upon waking up I had an old Nicole C. Mullen's song on my heart, "On My Knees." I am familiar with the song, but the lyrics I did not know too well. When I read them here, I see what the Lord is sharing with me and desiring for me to continue to do. Thank you!


On My Knees
Nicole C. Mullen

There are days,
When I feel
The best of me
Is ready to begin
Then they're days,
When I feel
I'm letting go,
And soaring on the wind
But I've learned in laughter or in pain,
How to survive

I get on my knees
I get on my knees
there I am before the Love that
Changes me
See, I don't know how,
But there's power
when I’m on my knees

I can be in a crowd,
or by myself.
or almost anywhere,
when I feel, there's a need
to talk with God, he is Emmanuel,
when I close my eyes,
no darkness there
there's only light

When I get on my knees
When I get on my knees
there I am before the Love that changes me
see I don't know how, but there's power
in the blue sky
I don't know how but there's power
and in the midnight
and I don't know how but there's power
when I’m on my knees
I get on my knees
I get on my knees
and there I am before the Love that changes me
I don't know how, but there's power
I don't know how but God gives me power
I don't know how but there's power
When I'm on my knees

REVOLVING

With God's guidance I am trying to break away from people pleasing. Been praying for the right direction. I am sure the majority of us will agree consciously or subconsciously from time to time we may think the world revolves around only us. I know I do!

At at this particular time, I welcome this thinking. Only because I feel it will help me to realize that others who I am trying to please have issues in their own lives and "I may be the furthest thing from their minds. They have no clue that I am even struggling or exist at the moment. That it is not always about me!!" Harsh sounding? Yes. Painful emotionally? Yes. But if this little bit of thought change can help towards my recovery, then I am willing to go through the pain.

These past few days, basically isolated from the population, (more than usual) meditating and preparing my heart to face the world once again tomorrow will be challenging. I am scared. Which is probably natural, as I do not know what to expect. Hopefully though, I will be stronger and rely on God much more than I have before and putting to use what He has shown me these past few days.

I hope this made sense?

FULLY BROKEN

My Spirit is stirring this morning something fierce. Really going.....

I want to experience full brokenness. That is one powerful statement!

But, am I willing to pay the price of being fully broken?? Having my chains broken?

I know I have become more broken since on my journey, but not fully!! Just writing and saying the words out loud 'Fully Broken' sends shivers up my spine! A lot is at stake! Like letting go of strongholds and venturing out into an unknown world that I have always ran from!! Can I honestly say I want this? No. But, do I desire the freedom once attained? Yes!

I know I can never be good enough for God, but that does not matter, He accepts me just as I am! I need to forget about my feelings of unworthiness and just delight myself in Him. And believe as best I can in my heart that I am worthy in His eyes. He reminds me to be content with my simple life instead of trying to make things happen. I need to trust Him while waiting patiently for what He wants to use me for. Give Him my fears and anxieties of what others may think of me. Trust Him whole heartedly.

Yes, I am scared. I am scared silly. Just writing this post scares me as I see my words of hope, desperation and fear all jumbled into one!! How can anything good come out of a mess of confusion???

Trust comes hard for me!!! I do not want to be hurt. I do not want to crumble under pressure, feel a failure have shame over take me. I do not want to hide or curl up in a corner anymore. Dissolve into the background.

I am scared of the unknown. But, at the same time, the fear of the unknown, I know I can share with Him. Jesus will be right beside me. Well, I think He will be carrying me most of the time! Which is fine with me!!

But, then He will gently let me down from His caring embrace for my feet to once again touch the soil of the earth to experience more of His Grace; take a look around at life that surrounds me, touch the pain of my past shame, "see it does not hurt so much," touch the pain of my past abuse, "see not as bad as before," touch the pain of my past feelings of abandonment, "see much better," now touch the assurance of My love, "see what you have missed, but can have now!!"

That day of fully being broken will be awesome!!!

SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR

Found a good article on sexual abuse survivors by someone who was sexually abused. It is rather lengthy, and may not pertain to everyone. But it is a good read. I can certainly relate, especially what I put in "bold," and one statement in particular highlighted in red is so very true of me!

If you are a sexual abuse survivor, you have survived a terrible ordeal and are perhaps looking for some understanding and some peace of mind. I do not have all the answers, but I am a sexual abuse survivor and I can identify with the feelings you are experiencing. I have finally found peace of mind and I would like to share with you some thoughts on how to overcome this unimaginable pain.

Do you know why you're a survivor? Some may call it fate, survival of the fittest, mental or emotional fortitude, or divine intervention. What is it for you?

Sexual abuse survival involves accepting the past abuse - facing the fact that it happened. No matter what type of sexual abuse (whether incest or a by stranger) or how tragic its consequences, acceptance of the past is vital. Accepting the past is an essential step toward not only surviving, but to overcoming.

Examine your past, with a trained professional, if possible. Look at how you coped with the abuse while it was occurring.

* What were your thoughts? Did you feel anger, hatred, or melancholy?
* Did you blame yourself or perhaps feel guilty (or unclean)?
* Did you turn inward, living in your own world?
* Did you tell someone? Did that person ignore you?
* Did you ignore the abuse and hope it would go away?
* Did you pray to God and ask Him to intercede, but the abuse continued?
* How did you feel about yourself? About others? Were there trust issues? If so, with whom?
* Were there problems with authority?
* Were you distant and aloof, perhaps shy - struggling to communicate like other children?
* Or did you hide by being outgoing when you were really in a state of denial? Maybe you were afraid to turn inward and deal with the onslaught of feelings and thoughts. Maybe you just didn't know what to do or how you felt.

Not surprisingly, what happened to us in the past is often carried into the present.

If you're a sexual abuse survivor, how are things going now? As a survivor myself (incest/homosexual activities by my grandfather), I confess that I struggle with the effects of sexual abuse - feelings of anger, hatred, sadness, guilt, and shame toward my abuser and indirectly toward myself. Sometimes these feelings and thoughts can get in the way, interfering with other relationships. As a sexual abuse survivor, do you experience similar feelings? Do you ever wonder why me, what did I ever do to deserve the abuse? If so, you are not alone.

Unfortunately, these feelings and thoughts do not magically disappear. From personal experience and from talking with other adult survivors of sexual abuse, I've discovered we share and exhibit similar thoughts and feelings, yet struggle to find an outlet. As a survivor, I simply want to be heard and understood. I want someone I can identify with. I want to be told that I am okay. When a person has been abused sexually, thoughts like I'm not ok and I will never be okay seem to become ingrained in the psyche. In addition, there are often problems with self-acceptance, guilt, condemnation, feelings of never measuring up, and so on. Those feelings are incorrect. We are okay, and we can live a life of victory!

A proactive approach to dealing with past abuse involves getting help and taking an introspective look at what happened. Tragically, many sexual abuse survivors choose to avoid help. The confusion of unresolved sexual abuse can lead some people to go from victim to perpetrator. Or the survivor learns to cope through self-abuse, like drugs and alcohol or develops an addiction to sex or pornography. Many abuse survivors believe they cannot get past what happened to them.

If the abuse came from the same sex, this may unfortunately lead to later interaction with same sex. If the abuse was perpetrated by someone of the opposite sex, such as a father and daughter, the daughter often seeks to fill this void through promiscuity. She is really looking for love, and has learned that she will find it through sexual activity. Of course, she does not find love, but heartache and sometimes more abuse or even disease. These lies can only lead to shattered hearts and lives.

If the need or void is not dealt with proactively, the abuse often survives in the survivor. Shadows of the abuse live on in various forms, because the abuse victim looks for satisfaction in the wrong ways or places. Having never known genuine love, the abuse survivor can only imitate love in return.

As sexual abuse survivors, we'll find it difficult to reconcile thoughts and feelings regarding love and acceptance. Because of our past, we'll know feelings that combat, tear, and rip the heart and soul apart. No one should have to experience what we have been through. But there is hope.

Because God sent His Son to die for us (John 3:16), we can know that we have value and worth. As a sexual abuse survivor, this concept is hard to wrap the mind around - but it's necessary if we're going to move from a survivor to an overcomer.

The essence of overcoming is realizing that love and acceptance are essential to our healing. We can't do this on our own - in fact, it's impossible! Matthew 19:26 says, "…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." (Life Challenges)

"NO" FEAR OF DISPLEASING

This devotional truly is where I am at.

The struggle with people pleasing. I know without a doubt I will get to a point of healing (amen) where I will not care what people think of me anymore!!! My only desire will then be to please My Lord and be the person He has made me be. I want to obey His will and not worry what others think! If people frown upon my behavior and actions in being expressive as who He created me to be, then so be it! I desire to be 'more real,' if me being 'real' is not enough already! At the same time, ask to be more sensitive to others as I become more real. Not alter who God has made me, but we wise in what He entrusts in me!

I am sure many of us can find ourselves within the words below:

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trust in Me is kept safe."

DEAR JESUS,

I'm just beginning to realize how much my life is hampered by fear of man. This condition has been so prevalent that I failed to recognize it most of my life, it was simply part of the fabric of my daily existence. Now that I recognize this fear, I want very much to be free of it. But it is deeply engrained in my mind and heart. When I am with people, I'm much too concerned about displeasing them or looking foolish in their eyes. I confess I am a people pleaser, but I deeply desire to change.

BELOVED,

I will give you a two-pronged approach for dealing with this crippling fear. First, replace your fear of displeasing people with dread of displeasing Me-the Lord of the universe. Make pleasing Me your highest priority. Include Me in your thinking whenever you are making plans or decisions. Let your desire to please Me shine brightly, illuminating your thoughts and choices.

The second way to free yourself from fear of man is by developing a deeper trust in Me. Instead of trying to please people so they will give you what you want, trust in Me-the Supplier of all your needs. My glorious riches never run short, nor does My love for you. People can easily deceive you, promising you things with no intention of following through. Even if they mean well at the time, they may change their minds later on. Because I remain the same forever, I am absolutely dependable. Trusting in people is risky. Trusting in Me is wise. It keeps you safe. (Sarah Young)

LINGERING IN HIS PRESENCE

DEAR JESUS,

I long to dance for You, sing praises to You and celebrate Your Presence continually. However, most of the time I feel earthbound and weighed down. Worshipping You requires the engagement of my entire being-something I delight in and yet somehow resist. Teach me how to celebrate You more consistently, more abundantly.

BELOVED,

Begin by lingering in My peaceful Presence. As you relax in My everlasting arms, sense how safe and secure you are. I am indeed the rock solid Foundation on which you can live exuberantly. Dancing, singing, and praying are ways you can express your delight in Me.

My very Presence radiates joy in vast, unmeasured fullness! When you praise Me, your Joy increases, as does your awareness of My holy Presence. Your body may or may not be mightily engaged in this endeavor, but I see into your heart. That is where the ultimate celebration of My Presence takes place. ("Dear Jesus", Sarah Young)

How I long to be so free in the Spirit!!! I sense this freeing drawing closer as I emotionally heal!!!

I feel that the God given talent of song/guitar He has bestowed upon me will be used mightily for His glory in the days ahead.

DISCARDING EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

I received the book Dear Jesus by Sarah Young for Christmas. The devotions in the book are structured in a dialogue format:

DEAR JESUS,

I'm grateful that no matter what condition I'm in, I can come to You-just as I am. I don't have to clean up my act first, since You already know the worst about me. When I'm hurting, I want to be with someone who understands me without condemning me. When I'm happy, I delight in being with someone who loves me enough to celebrate with me. Help me bring more and more of myself to You.

BELOVED,

This is a good request: better than you realize. Most people are selective about which parts of themselves they bring to Me. Some hesitate to bring traits they consider shameful. Others are so used to living with painful feelings-loneliness, fear, guilt-that it never occurs to them to ask for help in dealing with these things. Still others get so preoccupied with their struggles that they forget I'm even here.

There are hurting parts of you that I desire to heal. However, some of them have been with you so long that you consider them part of your identity. You carry them with you wherever you go, with little awareness. On occasions when you have brought some damaged portion of yourself to Me, I have helped you walk in new found freedom. However, you are so addicted to certain painful patterns that you cannot easily break free from them. Only repeatedly exposing them to My healing Presence will bring you long-term freedom.

When that happens, you will be released to experience joy in much fuller measure. I will share your joy and multiply it many times over.

I am not selective anymore with my emotional parts. I am working on having all "my parts" healed and in the process of giving them 'all' to the Lord in order to attain freedom!!! Some parts may take a little more time and attention than the others.

I believe this New Year will be a grand breakthrough for me!!

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY! I get a little taste of what awaits me now and then when I am in the presence of the Holy Spirit!

I totally believe, once I am released from my bondage, there WILL BE NO STOPPING ME!!! I will be so free!!!! NOTHING WILL HOLD ME BACK!!! People will question, "Was that JBR?" All I can say, "look out world, a new FREE ME is on the horizon!

Negative opinions from others about me will not matter anymore! My worth will only come from my Lord!!!

My heart will be totally sold-out to the Lord!!!!"