EFFECTS SEXUAL ABUSE HAD ON ME

****MAY TRIGGER****
A couple of times I began a post on this topic, only to delete it. I knew I was not ready to share. I do not know if I am even now, but I will.

I felt the need to be a bit stronger in my recovery in order to talk on my blog about the "effects of being sexually abused." Even now as I type this post, God is letting me slowly feel again. Anxiety is surfacing, palms sweating as I begin to type and share about my abuse. I am hesitant. Do not like to unravel pain.

Unfortunately, my first sexual experience which paved the way to my dysfunction in this area came at a very young age (9-10) from my older brother. My mind at that young of age could not grasp what he was doing to me, and let alone the effects it would have on me years later. I did not know any better. I trusted him. I did what he wanted. Until he wanted more. Then I started resenting the fact, and began hiding, only to be found.

Our household was filled with porno magazines that my father would buy. I believe everyone in my family, except my mother, would look at them. I do know Phillip (first boyfriend at 12) and I would look at the pictures on many occasions. He even became addicted as he would always say for me to go inside my house and get them out so we could look at them. As best we could understand at our age we would have conversations about sex and what we saw in the pictures.

Since going to t. I am starting to question why my brother did what he did. Not making excuses for him, no, no, no. But, also realizing he was subject to the same crap I had available to me which was porn. He was at the ripe age at that time for experimenting, being four years older than I.

As I got older and became more involved with boys in high school, I did not resist their advances. Thinking this was the norm, I felt obligated for them to take advantage of me. Even if I felt afraid. I just "thought" I had to let them have their way. Underneath stairwells at school was a popular place of intimate secrecy. My mind was skewed. Fear always envelope me when it came to sex. I would panic.

Then in my early twenties, (after becoming a Christian) at this point I had already become so isolated, so very fearful and set in my ways in order to cope with my pain and insecurities of the past, that once in a blue moon when a man would pay attention to me, that I would allow, I would actually go out on a date. I could now use the excuse that I was a Christian and that I would not engage in any promiscuity. Regardless of being confident with that, I still could not handle any relationship. I thought I was mature enough now to get past the fear of intimacy. It was only worse now. So, after one date, I booked. I hid. I blamed myself for not being able to function normally in a relationship. I failed. I played endless tapes in my head that I was so very screwed up. I was a mess.

Into my late twenties early thirties, after moving back to Florida and getting more involved in Christian activities at church and their single ministry, ironically enough is where I got my two marriage proposals from Christian men. Ironically, because both of those proposals came after two or three dates. Since I was so very shallow in my thinking, I attracted the same. Typical conversations I would have with these men would be extremely surface. I did not know how to be real. Our dates would consist of superficial pleasantries and would be considered meaningful conversations. And then to be asked if I would marry them on the account of "how is the weather" kind of relationship. I don't think so!! Would NEVER Work!

Still it goes deeper. Much deeper. The fact was, I knew I was not capable of any healthy relationship. What my brother did to me messed my idea of what sex was supposed to be. Instead, I believed and feared my insecurities of sex would ruin the marriage. I based marriage solely on sex. Could not even grasp the concept that marriage was so much more than sex. Only because all the years I was isolated and fearful, I was not able to develop relationally.

Over the years now, I have had many many opportunities to reflect back on my life. What I could have been initially. The realization of not being able to function in a relationship hurts me terribly. Hurts that I was robbed of my innocence.

I want to be married. But, I cannot even grasp what "love" is and feels like. I avoid saying many times the words "I love you." I hear those words said among people. Sometimes I wonder if they are just throwing it out there. Do they actually feel love for this person they say it to? I just do not know! It hurts that I feel so detached in this area. Frustrating!!

I cannot even say to God that I love Him. Does not mean in the very depths of my soul that I do not love Him. I just cannot express love, as I have never properly had it from the male gender. It was corrupted. I missed out on possible healthy potential relationships because of being sexually violated and the neglect by my father.

So at this part of my juncture as painful as it can be, I continue to deal with my singleness.

As most of you know, I have been asking and praying to be filled with unbelievable joy from the Lord and develop more intimacy with Him.

In my singleness, I try and allow myself to focus on being content in my relationship with the Lord. I know in 1 Corinthians 7 there is a lot of talk about focusing on pleasing the Lord and that even singleness can be the norm for happiness.

May be. But it is still hard and painful.

CHASING CARROTS

As we all know, life is like a roller coaster ride. Up and down. Naturally it is easier to handle when life is at a high you feel good, your surroundings are good, 'all is well within my soul'. But when the lows hit.

Wo-Baby!

When failure strikes.

Look out!

Keeping in mind as best as we can, God's ways are not always our ways. He sees the BIG picture! Seeing what we consider failure from God's point of view carries a whole different perspective.

He sees promise.

I know I still fail (no pun intended) in this area. It is hard not to see it from man's perspective. But, through our failures, if we have the right mind set as God, we can learn from them and be strengthened. Be able to start over afresh.

Be that promise.

With the help of God's grace we can apply what we learned from our failures and move on. Be even better, stronger and even more courageous.

That is what my recovery is all about. Could NOT do it without God there with me as I heal and learn from not only my past mistakes, but my deep hurts.

The closer and intimate I become with God, the greater our relationship becomes.

I need not chase carrots, to feel good.

And yes, the freer I become in Him, the joy will be released fully. (Ya know I had to put that in. As that is all I think about now.)

HEALING 101

When I finally came to terms that I needed help, all my life I kept on admitting to myself before hand that how I reacted to things was simply, "I just can't help it." The abuse, the divorce, my mother ingraining deep down in my soul that I was not capable of doing things correctly all applied.

Avoidance was my friend at all costs. Although, I truly believe, I had not had the mature development realization to understand the whole picture of how damaging my upbringing was up until a couple of years ago.

Just in recent days, as my posts have revealed, the Lord has been revealing to me certain memories. Memories that were so stuffed down inside of me that they laid dormant and only existed at the time they were happening some 40 years ago. When they resurfaced, it was just like yesterday. Maybe there will be more to come, and maybe not. It is in His hands and timing. He knows what it will take for my emotional healing.

So, I have been seeing how God is setting me free little by little in some areas. First my mind and beliefs how I perceive things. I feel I am becoming more independent and confident in myself. Not having to rely on others. Have a ways to go still, as the struggle in this area is very deep and painful as I want to please, want to be liked, don't want to be talked negatively about. But, I do see progress.

As many of us know that the mind is the battlefield and Satan's playground. As I increase in strength and power over my thought life, Satan's play area will grow smaller. God has given all of us the ability to choose right from wrong thinking. New good habits need to be formed in filling our minds and lives with the Word of God, prayer, praise, fellowship with others alike the easier it will become in tackling stinkin' thinkin'.

Becoming stronger each day with the Lord, as I am desiring so much from Him is evident. Even when I first became a Christian many years ago, I have not felt so much determination to fulfill His purpose on my life as I do now.

Must be reminded though not to rush the process. There is still some major healing that needs to take place. But I am on my way, and it will be okay!

HOW DOES FEAR DEFINE YOU?

Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid. Mark 16:8

God knows we are weak and that our courage is limited. He knows that fear is part of our human condition.

Slowly, I am learning that He, above all does NOT shame me for being afraid. He can still use me, sweaty palms and everything to get His message out and help others. The Scripture above does eventually go on to say that courage was granted the women. They were able to speak.

As I continue to strengthen in areas of my life that have been very painful, fear tries its best to paralyze me. I still stumble. Fear can be like a frightening storm.


Tornadoes have always fascinated me. Never been in one. The power, the destruction, the uncertainty. In tornado alley, an approaching tornado sounds a loud alarm warning you to move to safety. What do you do in the face of fear? What does your sounding alarm do for you? How does fear define you?

Does fear immobilize you and force you to spiral down like a tornado or shoot you up moving you to a higher and better place?

Fear is playing a BIG PART in me not receiving the fullest of the Joy of the Spirit! Fear of what others will think of me once I let go under His anointing. I know the joy is in me, ready to be released. Sometimes it feels like a gush of pressure in my throat ready to be expelled, only fear remains in the way and sometimes I even start to cough. Do you understand?

So, how does fear define me... well, when fear comes upon me now, as much as I have the tendency to want to run and hide because of the past shame and scolding by my mother to "behave properly," I try now to let the fear take me closer to trusting God. Seeking wisdom to what I need to learn and grow from it. It is not easy!

JOY JOY JOY DOWN IN MY HEART

Okay......

Above is the more serious version to this song.

Soon and very soon, the chains will be broken in JBR where she will be a free spirit and be able to enjoy the joy joy joy down in her heart! The day is coming!!!!!!!!!!

Below is the more light side of this song:



<

NO DILLY DALLY

As I become more resilient and healthier on my journey, I find the enemy's attacks even more fierce. He knows his time is short.

My emotional sickness that I am working through proved to me how attached I have become to it all these years. The sickness was a part of me. I visualized it as the being in the movie "Alien" that would attach itself to the body of a human and dig deep within the soul of man and live off it. A very strong attachment. A stronghold. A very existence which I saw no other way out. I knew I was extremely unhappy and depressed but I thought this was my lot in life. Deal with it!

Well, I finally came to terms that my dealing with it, was not working anymore! I needed help. I needed to become real. I needed not to deny and put on a facade anymore. I was in so much misery inside, I needed to come forth and admit I have problems that have been affecting my very being for so many years. I needed to come to terms that I needed to get well.

One who was there had been an invalid for thirty eight years. When Jesus
saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition a long
time he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"
John 5:5-6

Potent Scripture verse. No dilly-dally from Jesus. In essence He said, "if you are tired of the way you are living and are miserable and want to get well, then move. DO IT!" That is what I chose to do! I had enough. I sought help. I wanted to get well.

TO BUBBLE OVER

Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you. And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost". John 20:21-22

Besides having the Holy Spirit within us to make us more Christ-like, and to work on our thought patterns, attitudes, responses, motivations all that is important to us; if we are in tune with His presence, we will be able to sense His leading and experience His joy within us from deep within our core to empower us.

Jesus told His disciples that it was better for them if He went away and sent them the Holy Spirit.

Jesus said that the Holy Spirit was with them and in them. Jesus also said He had many things to share with His disciples, but they would not be able to handle and comprehend all He wanted to say until the Spirit lived inside of them. They would undoubtedly experience the bubbling over of joy within their Spirit as well.

Lordy Lordy Lordy! A brief glimmer within of joy is what I currently experience. I know you have heard me talk about it in recent days so much I probably sound like a broken record. But, this is something I am not going to apologize for. Something I cannot shake off. Something I want so bad. I want my deepest core to bubble over with unspeakable joy! Have not arrived there yet, but it is my desire!!!

FIRST TIME I TOLD ABOUT MY PARENTS

A memory surfaced.

Before my parents actually divorced I remember a time, I was sitting with my then first boyfriend, Phillip, who was my next door neighbor also who was my age in front of his house resting as we were playing basketball. We shared a lot of things. Played sports, rode bikes, same school, went to the stores, swam in his pool, did paper routes together, played games, collected Matchbox cars, got into mischief, viewed porno mags together and shared our first kiss. Phillip was the first and only boy I went steady with for two whole days. Until his older sister, who apparently did not like me took his I.D. bracelet he gave me to wear back from me. I was crushed! I cherished that thing! :)

Phillip and his family moved next door to us when he and I were 7. The time line I will put myself for this particular incident is at 10-11 years old.

Was a Saturday we were sitting in front of his house resting after playing some basketball. I remember saying to him as best as I understood as my mother and father were pulling up in our driveway, "they are coming back from the doctors who is trying to help them not divorce." Did I even know what divorce meant? Probably not. It was our family doctor an MD. I have no clue if she was a licensed therapist also. I just knew she was my doctor. But, the tragic thing, a few years later she committed suicide.

I was quite aware of what was going on within the confines of my home. But, I believe this was the first time and only time I can recall telling someone about what was going on. I know I did not go into detail, but I do recall saying what I stated above. I cannot remember my boyfriends reaction, if at all. We probably just went on playing basketball. Both of us probably did not understand the ramifications of what was going on. I just knew it bothered me and I told someone. I do not even remember talking this over with any of my brothers.

Even when the days that were leading up to my mum and I moving away up to New York after she remarried and sprung that "surprise" on me after turning 12, I cannot recall talking much about my pain to any of my friends. I do remember Philip saying to me that he would miss me and that he was sad that he would not have anyone to play with anymore. I remember my dad telling me the first summer before I came down for one of the rare visits to see my father, that Phillip came a couple of times knocking on his door (my dad remained in the house I grew up in until he sold it a couple years later, which also devastated me) asking if he would play catch with him that he missed me.

Through it all, I did not know how to handle the turmoil except to stuff. I was probably so devastated and had NOOOOOOOOOO clue to the emotional screwed up pain I would have to face in the years to come, and how much their breakup had affected me!

PULLING AN ALL NIGHTER

How good is God's grace? Let me tell ya.

Reflecting back to some of the insane things I did, which believe me were not many because of my fears and insecurities. But, I do recall a couple of times in my youth staying up 24 hours. The very few parties that I did attend as a teenager (and I can count them on one hand, in fact three fingers) when I sought out in desperation friendships, they were the typical pot smoking, drinking, make-out parties. To feel accepted, of course I joined in and did it all.

When I was intoxicated, my guard was let down and pretty much would be game for anything. Drinking numbed all of my fears and emotional pain. I would only drink and smoke if it was offered to me. Although later on, there was a period of time I was drinking on my own in my own bedroom. Unbeknownst to my mother. When I would drink I became bold and fearless. You could not shut me up at times. I did not have many times where I could be rebellious and think what I was doing was a good thing. Naturally, these parties I went to were to be supervised by the friend's parents at the time. NOT! They either went to bed or out for the evening.

There was one party in particular, when I was about 17, not a Christian, and living in New York. In New York there are five boroughs, Queens (where we were at), Bronx, Manhattan, Brooklyn and Staten Island. Someone had a car. We all piled into. Six of us, drinks in hand, bottles in bags. Three boys three girls. You get the picture.

In our 24 hour quest for craziness in the dead of winter, we went through 4 of the 5 boroughs. After leaving Queens we began in Chinatown downtown Manhattan eating around 9:00 p.m. Then after that I just remember sitting first in the back seat then moving up to the front seat, then back again. As scrunchy as we all were in the car and inebriated, things still could get done. Whoever was driving I recall them saying that they hated to drive over bridges and we were going to take a detour. I thought that was really weird at the time. The boroughs are connected by bridges, but you can do some tunnels also. I could of cared less where we would of ended up. That evening will always been etched in my mind.

At one point, in Brooklyn at a grocery store parking lot in the wee hours of the next morning we all decided to stop the car and have grocery cart races with one person in the cart and the other to push. Soon the cops came as we were making such a ruckus. I do not know how we managed to not get arrested that morning, as there was liquor inside the car, but the cops never looked there or thought we were drunk. I was having a blast. I felt accepted. A rarity. But, again, only by the Grace of God were we all protected that night and none of us got killed with the stupid stuff we did.

I do not know what time I came home the following day, where my mother thought I was just spending the night over a girl-friends house. She had no clue. I was a good liar by then. But I was so wired and sick like a dog and was not able to sleep until half the day was over with.

So..... to make a long story even longer, and to get to the point of this post, God's grace and His hand was upon me that 24 hour period. It still is. He gives me these memories, good and bad, in order to help me along with my belief that He has a plan still ahead for me. There is purpose in His plan for me. Even though it can still be difficult for me to trust Him and accept His love, I know He encourages me daily and reminds me that He is right along side of me. Not to waiver in my faith. To be strong. To press on.

PURSUIT OF JOY

My hearts desire is to experience the Joy of the Lord fully! The more freedom I get in the Holy Spirit, the more I thirst for the infilling of His joy like in the days of Pentecost recorded in the 2nd Chapter of Acts.

I better be careful for what I pray for huh? I know just how powerful the Spirit can be! But, regardless, I want to have it all! Selfish? Nah. He welcomes such a deep and intimate relationship, resulting in joy!

Oh Lord that is my prayer!! To obtain and contain Your joy!!!!!!

Presently the pain of shame continues to holds me back from experiencing His total joy. But, each day I am breaking through more and more and one day I will be able to experience His fullness of joy on my own!

HIDING NO MORE

In my journey I look so forward to being comforted by Jesus when I am grieving. With Him He lets me freely cry and show the rough side of my pain. He understands my pain. Some people do not understand emotional pain and feel uncomfortable around it. I still struggle, but getting better with showing my emotions around people. But, I was so like this, extremely and I mean extremely uncomfortable around emotional pain. I literally ran away from pain. When I saw others hurting, I could not handle their pain. I did not know how to respond except to run. I avoided it at all costs. Even my own pain!!

I hid! I hid most of my life. Not just out of shame, but out of fear. I hid in closets, hampers (both where my brother found me) behind doors, walls, under furniture, in bushes, up trees, behind my peers at school in class, etc. I did not want to be found. In my hiding I heard and experienced some painful emotions that I did not like. Hearing my parents yell and scream that led up to their divorce. Hearing telephone conversations between my mother and father where my father did not want me to come down for visits after the divorce. Hiding when I knew I did something wrong. In my hiding I can recall breathing heavy out of fear in hope that I was not too loud to give my position away. I certainly remember hiding from my brother when he wanted to get his sexual gratification way with me. Hiding from boys when they became too aggressive which spilled over later unto men. I had associated hiding with pain.

I can recall when I was around 10 or so, being the only one seeing my grandmother fall one day and could not get up. I ran. I ran and did not tell anyone. I hid. I was so very scared and fearful. Fortunately, my father quickly found her. I then remember being confronted both by my father and grandmother who were very angry as to why I did not help her. I denied ever seeing her fall. To this day, I feel so ashamed that I ran and lied. But, I am so glad now, that I do not run anymore. I may still feel a bit uncomfortable, but I do not run. Once I understood my own pain and knowing God is there with me in the midst of it, there was no more fear in running away but only to face. Facing my pain and not running away is all about the journey to freedom.

UNEXPECTED TEAR CONNECTION

Had an interesting encounter with tears of anguish this afternoon. I was watching the movie, Dances with Wolves. Seen it a couple of times before. As I was sitting in the comfy of my home, for some reason when the early scene where the Indians (Pawnees) found the man, Timmons who gave Kevin Costner (Dunbar) a ride on the carriage and proceeded to shoot arrows into him, and with his dying breath he said, "Don't hurt my mules." The flood gates were open!

I could not contain myself. I was doubled over crying profusely on the floor for about five minutes. These tears came deep within my soul along with moans. What is up with that? It was bad enough the guy was being shot repeatedly with arrows and dying, and then for him to utter those last words to set me off. Only thing I could figure was I connected deeply to the mans pain within my pain of grief and I did not want anything else to suffer needlessly including mules!

UNIQUE ROLE

Most of my struggle in life is comparing myself to others. A lot of it has to do with my self of worth being beaten down over the years by my parents and then believing anyone else who spoke a negative word about me, i.e. teachers, so called friends, etc.

As I continue to heal on my recovery to freedom, and grow more intimate with Christ as best I am able, I am learning I have a unique role in the Body of Christ. That He has made me ONLY for what He had in mind for me to do. I need not be jealous of others "spiritual gifts or ministries." His plan for me is unique and perfect. Wo--- Hard for me to write these words, let alone believe them, but it is all true. Acceptance for me will have to be a constant hearing and believing in my heart over and over and over again. How many times it takes, does not matter, until eventually the truth does grab and graft itself onto and into my heart.

Perfect example of this is found in John 3:26:

"So they came to John and reported to him, Rabbi, the Man Who was with you on the other side of the Jordan. . .notice, here He is baptizing too, and everybody is flocking to Him!"

John the Baptist disciples were trying to get him to feel jealous over Jesus' own ministry. John the Baptist only means was to prepare the way before Jesus. Which he did.

So, rather than worry what others are doing, I need to be open to what God is doing with me!

This applies to all of us. We all have our unique role. I pray that if you struggle in this area that you do a self check and see what the Lord shares with you.

WORD OF GOD SPEAK

We may have been brought up in a family environment so dysfunctional that our only outlet of survival was to shut down, withdraw and isolate. I can relate to all three. Unfortunately carrying this emotional dysfunction over onto God is very common which could result in difficulty accepting His love and trusting Him.

Trust and love are two areas tough for me. Not only with God, but with others. Love is more difficult only because I was brought up on sick love and beliefs that I do not know any other kind.

Reading how God so much loves me, can be hard to digest and connect to in my heart. As I continue to willingly commune more deeply with Him, read His Word, seek what He has to say and reveal to me, I find myself slowly drawing closer to accepting His love for me a little bit more each time.

I welcome the Word of God to speak to me! How about you?

EMOTIONAL RUN OVER

I feel like I have been run over by a Mack Truck. I had t. yesterday, which produced some great results and I was feeling pretty good this morning.

But, come early afternoon, I felt everything was zapped from me. I would get this way sometimes the day after a t. session, but have not had the emotional drain in a while. Was quite surprised by it creeping up on me today. But there is nothing I can do except ride it out.

JOY BLOCKER

My joy blocker is shame.

But, oh boy, I DO KNOW I have joy in me! Amen and Amen to that!

Joy does come out in spurts when I let the Holy Spirit get a hold of me now. Closest thing to compare my present joy when it does surface is to when I was a child before my abuse and parents divorce. Laughing my head off with friends. Not caring. Being free. Letting my most inner being run wild! I was a wild kid in the sense, I would do so many silly things with my childhood friends to get them to laugh as I as well. I wanted to feel good! I would play practical jokes, make jokes, wear silly stuff, act silly and I got them all to follow suit.

But, when I have my moments of joy now, right away my mind reverts back to corrupted stinkin' thinkin' that says "I am NOT entitled to feel happiness or the Joy of the Lord. I do not deserve it."

My dad for the most part was a unhappy man. He did not appreciate from what I remember me crying. Would imply for me to get over it already. When I did cry and then get reprimanded for it, that hurt even more. I was not allowed to show my hurt through tears. Even my silliness he would question and told me to behave.

I believe my parents arguing and eventually divorcing zapped the remaining joy I had at eleven. Their divorce devastated me and devastated my joy. After that I was not this kid I described a few paragraphs before. I became very sullen, angry, sad, and hurt so deeply inside. What was joy to me then? A faded memory.

Even after accepting Christ a few years later, I could not grasp the joy of the Lord. I have been hurt so deeply, the joy has been hiding very well behind walls and walls of shame.

Sometimes lately I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. I fight back and forth with being free one minute to being bound the next.

But I am a fighter!!! I DESIRE to regain back what was once taken from me!!! I can see a rip in the lining of my shame walls. Slowly but surely, more joy enters in through these rips. The more healthier I become on my journey, the more the infilling will be able to enter in! Amen!!!

The day when I can have absolute freedom in the Holy Spirit and receive His Joy unconditionally, is when indeed my icon in my Just Be Real profile will come to full fruition. Right now my arms are a little bit more than half way up!!

INNER PROMPTINGS OF THE SPIRIT

First off, this post is in NO WAY of me bragging about myself. That is NOT my intention!!

The promptings of the Holy Spirit for me is like a little check in my being that says or nudges me on. It could be from picking up a piece of paper that someone just threw on the ground to going up to someone and giving them a compliment.

One incident, out of many, I remember a few years back, a park that I would walk at in the morning there would always be a homeless man there. One day, I felt the prompting to go buy him some food, which I did. Brought it to him. He was so ever grateful and could not understand why I would be so kind and do something so nice. I obeyed.

There was a time every Sunday morning when I would attend church I would give out a specific candy bar that the newspaper guy enjoyed at the stop light corner he worked at. I would keep it frozen the night before and just before I left for church would take it out of the freezer. He was so happy and would recognize my car after while and expected my arrival every Sunday as I waited in line to turn with that frozen candy bar. Then one day he was not there. God moved him on. I was sad. I obeyed.

I used to send money-orders anonymously to strangers I did not know in the mail or leave it for them. A past co-worker that I was not close to, but overhead a conversation one day that they were in need of money as an example. If I was able to find out their name, I did some detective work and was able to find their address and send off their blessing. Hey, I am not rich, but I felt led to do this. I obeyed.

In obeying the prompting of the Holy Spirit, the Lord uses our obedience to show us more how He is, His character. Everything we do will be sown back to us.

Slowly, but surely as I heal from my own pain, my inner promptings are once again becoming more receptive. I miss having these prompting because it seems I have been so preoccupied with my own emotional healing for the past few years. Not that I need to not tend to myself, as He knows a healthy vessel all around is desirable to do His work.

I am glad that I was reminded of His prompting this morning. Shows that I am slowly healing and being reconnected to His purpose.

CONCRETE ANGEL ***May Trigger***

Video depicts physical abuse. Watch with caution!

All types of child abuse and neglect leave lasting scars. Some of these scars might be physical, but emotional scarring, sexual abuse as well has long lasting effects throughout life, damaging a child’s sense of self, ability to have healthy relationships and ability to function at home, at work and at school. Sounds all too familiar to me.

I am still processing, after a week, where my physical abuse were painful slaps in the face/mouth and body usually accompanied by harsh words from my mother which resulted me feeling overpowered, angry and very scared.



She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace, oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask
Bearing the burden of a secret storm
Sometimes she wishes she was never born

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night
The neighbors hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate
When morning comes it will be too late

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot

Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place
Where she's loved concrete angel

TO FEEL AGAIN!

Do you try and keep your inner world controlled? I know I do.

When I was experiencing my roller coaster ride of emotions last night, I could not control my inner world as before. Understanding to heal is to release the bondage of control of my raw emotions. To once again "feel." What a powerful statement. "To Feel Again." Wo, just seeing those words and actually saying them out loud as I type them, "To Feel Again!" "To Feel Again!" "To Feel Again!"

My emotions inside have been dormant for such a long time. The good feelings that were once experienced as a youngster, the happiness, the carefreeness, have long been lost due to abuse. But are in the process of being found and released once again!

So, yeah, I am certainly looking forward to feeling again fully! Feeling again fully will come to fruition. I am getting there, I know I am. I know I have been experiencing the surfacing of raw painful emotions on my journey in order to mend. Nevertheless, I know there is still a ways to go.

Hey, I am like the next guy, I certainly do not enjoy feeling deep emotional anguish of having my abuse surface where I just want to quit and die.

As survivors, we have been told that we have gone through the worst of our pain while it was actually happening. Even though knowing I have to go and walk through the pain really only one more time, this time cognitively knowing God is with me to reach to the prize of freedom, then it is totally worth it!!!

CRY ON MY SHOULDER

I am hurting tonight.

Roller coaster ride again. It is amazing I can be okay, then the next minute it is down hill. I know it is all part of the journey. UGH! Hate it!

This song shares what I am feeling and desiring. No need for me to write a post, as the words to this song says what I would have written.

I cannot wait until I am put back together!

You say you're falling apart
Reached the end of the line
Just looking for your place in an ordinary life
No one calls you friend
No one even knows your name
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain

You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let My arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I'll love you
more than life

You're wearing a frown
Given up on hope
My heart is reaching out
More then you will ever know
Is your burden too much?
Is it more then you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share

You have had some hard times
Had thorns placed in your side
I know about what you've been going through
tears of pain are falling down
It hurts so bad you're crying out
Your problems won't last forever
Let Me put you back together

UNEARTHED

Since processing from last Thursday's t. session, I seem to be noticing a bit more agitation towards my mother. I have not seen her close to two weeks, but continue to speak with her daily on the telephone.

Since accepting last weeks revelation that she physically abused me while growing up, I am feeling some rising resentment or dare I say it, anger towards her. Especially when she calls, which her phone calls seem to be increasing with non-sense talk and then getting upset with me when I do not agree with her about something. I really do not want to speak with her. This is only the beginning. As I know there is a lot more rage within me that needs to be unearthed that just has not come out yet...... but it will, it will.....

AS I WENT...

The Lord certainly was with me yesterday morning. As much as I was nervous and hesitant in not knowing what to expect, God showed up! (SEE HERE IN ORIGINAL POST LEADING UP TO THIS ONE.)

Separately, I shared with the three individuals from work of what I thought was just discipline from my mother was in fact physical abuse while growing up (SEE HERE FOR ORIGINAL POST). All three were very compassionate, attentive and let me speak. I was in control. I told only what I wanted to. I controlled the shots. Even to the point saying and being stern to one of them, "do not rush me, if you want to hear then let us sit down, and please do not repeat this to anyone else." I felt at least they deserved to hear the latest, as they have been supportive of me from day one when I first entered into t.

Naturally, and it is only human nature, I then received advice from taking meds while I handle my latest crisis to I need to aggressively confront my abuser(s) right away including my brother who sexually abused me. I thanked them for their advice and said I would discuss with my t.

But, all in all, it was smooth sailing. I trusted in the Lord for the outcome, He relaxed me and let everything fall into place.

Thank you ALL for your prayers! Could not have done it without being lifted up!

AS I GO......

Well, here it is Monday.

It did come around huh? If any of you who have been reading my blog for the past few days, know what I have to face today. Palms sweating, dry mouth, emotions anxious, but my God is with me! Still, I ask for your prayers. Thank you!

Also, below is a prayer for any to claim, as I will also:

Lord, You have the name that is above all names. You are Lord forever and there is no one who can challenge Your authority and power. You rule forever and ever, and there is no end to Your Kingdom.

I bring myself before Your throne of grace, and ask that You would look upon me with Your favor. Your word says that You give strength to the weary, so I ask that You would strengthen me. Bless me Lord with Your presence, and encourage my heart. Remind me of Your faithfulness and Your love that I might stand in faith against the issues that I face.

I bind the schemes of the enemy to tear me down, and I rebuke the spirits that have been assigned to harass me. I ask You Lord to minister fresh strength and joy to me. I agree with Your word that says Your plans for me are to give me hope and a future, let it be so, according to Your will. I pray in Jesus mighty name, Amen!

VICTORY COME!

How many times have we said 'we are a nobody?' How many times have we thought that God has millions of other interesting people to be concerned about then little ole me and my problems? Sure God has millions of people to care for, but the clincher here is that He can care for us all at the same time.

God wants us to ask for His help. He would like us to ask for it often as He knows the attack of the enemy on our minds. That I can certainly contest to! The devil is not going to let up. He will try time after time, trying to break your will with your problems. Our weapon of defense is crying out to God to HELP ME!!! Asking for His strength in our very time of need.

Many times we let our pride get in the way and think we can handle a situation ourselves. But in order to have victory over our battle in our minds, we must realize we cannot do the fighting alone. We were not meant to. Pushing away our pride, hitting our knees and asking the Holy Spirit to infill us and strengthen us as we push on is the right course to set out on.

In the next coming days I will be facing, I believe, a turning point in my battle of people pleasing. I have made strides in this area, but it is far from over with! I am NOT NOT NOT looking forward to this at all. I am very fearful of the outcome of rejection and being hurt. I am even anxious as I type these words, as I know their truth! I want to run! But I know it is a done deal and a must to be completed.

This will be a big step. Other steps will undoubtedly follow. The emotional hurt may be bad at the beginning, as I slowly detach. Like ripping a scab off. Sorry...but that is how I can imagine it to be. But in time with God's help, the pain and infection will heal.

More than ever I need the guidance of the Holy Spirit in my life. His intervention in my life in this area has to be so real, that I know that I know! But, I have to be willing to invite Him in to strengthen me for battle. And I am willing to do this!! Oh yes!!

God waits for the opportunity for us to say, "yes Lord, I need you." He will not pry..... He waits patiently and hopes that an invitation will be extended. By His Spirit victory will come! Amen.

So, Victory Come!

PROCESSING

Thank you all for your sincere comments and prayers!

Since learning on Thursday in t. that what my mother did to me while growing up in the way of disciplining by slapping me in the face is considered physical abuse, I am beginning to see things differently now. Gives me a different perspective on why did my mother do this?

Also surfacing was a memory when I was around the age of 8-9 where I slapped a girlfriend of mine in the face then begging her not to tell her parents. I remember that incident like it was yesterday. Where we were standing in the doorway of my bedroom which way I was facing and then actually seeing me hit her. I do not recall what I was angry about. I do know this happened more than once though. Also, I knew enough that what I did was wrong. Nevertheless, I felt this was normal. I realize now that I was mimicking what my mother was doing to me when she became angry. I can also recall as old as being 14 and my mother slapping me in front of a girlfriend at the time for talking back to her. To this day, that one still stings.

She would hit. We never discussed the problem or what I was being punished for. It was always bursts of hitting from her. Vaguely remembering now warding off some of her blows. Makes sense to me now. As it is difficult for me to confront and discuss things with people when I am upset. I just fume.

I took yesterday off from work (something I would not normally do, as I am a fighter, but I am learning now to take care of myself), mainly I slept. My mind and body are tired.

When I was awake, I did many "mind-walks" as I call them. Always helps with the processing. Welcoming the presence of the Holy Spirit!

Seeing more and more of what I became is because of the direct result of my upbringing. Does not make things any easier. Found myself deeply crying as I process because of what was taken from me, "my life," "my self." I am still somewhat in the grieving stage and feel so very alone. Which brings me to the next step.....

Specifically asking God now to connect the dots with my 'head to my heart.' Once that happens, then I believe I can move on to the next level of putting the blame on the right people. Becoming actually angry at the right individuals and eventually being able to forgive. Right now.....this is not happening. I am not ready for this next move as of yet. There must be something more the Lord must reveal to me at this level I am at presently before moving on.

PHYSICALLY ABUSED

This is a hard post for me to write.

In t. today it was discovered that my mother physically abused me growing up. Only reason this came about after a year or so of t. was I nonchalantly said to my t. as we were discussing my anger issues that, "yeah, my mother used to slap me when she got angry at me for something. On occasion I would hit her back and she would hit even harder." If you could have seen the look on my t. face and her questioning me why was I giggling after making that statement, you would be astounded too.

To me, I saw nothing wrong with my mother hitting/slapping me while verbally abusing me as well. I felt she had the right to because she was my mother. And it just dawned on me as I type this. . . she always uses the phrase with me, even to this day, "....because I am your mother" when she is throwing guilt my way or wants me to do something. So back then I took it as, "because you are my mother, you can hit me and it is okay. You can verbally abuse me because you are my mother and it is okay."

You, my bloggy friends, shared stories of your own personal encounters with individuals who physically abused you, and I saw "hey they should not do that. That is wrong." But, with my own personal experiences, I thought this was normal and acceptable. And that is exactly what I said to my t. why I never brought it up until today and the same with my mother still bathing me at 13, I thought this was normal. Apparently it was not!

This new revelation has floored me. Hard to grasp! Came out of left field. Hit me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of my sails! So, I cannot tell you how this new "twist" to my recovery now affects me. I have no emotion on discovering this as of yet. Processing being physically abused will take a while. It is safe to say now, though sadly, I can add physical abuse to my list of abuses while growing up.

WARPED BELIEF SYSTEM

While reading a devotional recently, I was reminded that it is not everything-and-everybody-except-me that is wonderfully made. It is everything-and-everybody-including-me that is fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

But, that is where the struggle for many of us begins. When we were brought up in an environment of abuse; feeling worthless than what we should be and made to feel, can have a everlasting negative effect on our belief system.

We need to counteract those negative thoughts and begin to change the "this is our belief" to "that was our belief." It is a daily process. Something that does not come natural to me. A long and very hard struggle. My tendencies is to go right to the negative, that I am no good, that I am a a failure, yada yada. It is not easy! And may take many years to change! But, I know I need my mindset to change in order to heal and to be set free from the curse of unworthiness.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am, as well as you, one of God's wonderful works. We are precious to Him and we are very unique.

He made everything, our minds, our emotions, our needs, our bodies, our creativity, our longings, and our hopes.

And "hope" is what I am hanging on to!

GOD CONFIDENCE

I heard a profound statement this morning while listening to Beth Moore. She said, "Stop giving people power over you only God should have. If we are going to be successful in having God confidence we cannot give people power over us!"

She went on to say that we cannot let everyone have access to our confidence. In other words, start to believe what they believe about us negatively. Then run with the belief. Beth also warns us to keep our eyes open to individuals who keep getting to us over and over again. I can think of two people off hand who are like this, one being my mother.

There are some relationships that we need to quit letting them have access to our confidence. Beth states, "Sometimes we end up breaking free from the loved one instead of just breaking free from our bondage to the loved one." Meaning we do not have to destroy a relationship, just break free from the bondage the attachment to them. HELLO!!

MANSION BUILDER

This is yet another one of my favorite songs from the 2nd Chapter of Acts. This video is a later one with better quality than the previous one below. This group meant so very much to me back then which made up part of my la-la land in a good way. Non stop listening to them where-ever I went. I hung onto every word they sang! When the walkman was introduced back in the late 70's that became part of me. The group came on to the scene back in the early to mid 1970's (where I first heard them after accepting Christ in 1977). They were part of the Charasmatic movement back then, with the Keith Greens, Barry Mcquires, Phil Keaggy and so on. Enjoy!

I've been told that there are those
Who will learn how to fly
And I've been told that there are those
Who will never die
And I've been told that there are stars
That will never lose their shine
And that there is a Morning Star
Who knows my mind

So why should I worry?
Why should I fret?
'Cause I've got a Mansion Builder
Who ain't through with me yet

(Repeat)

And I've been told that there's a
Crystal lake in the sky
And every tear from my eyes
Is saved when I cry
And I've been told there'll come a time
When the sun will cease to shine
And that there is a Morning Star
Who knows my mind

WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS

Which Way the Wind Blows

Joel | MySpace Video

The 2nd Chapter of Acts is my Hillsongs. I saw them by myself three times in concert before they disbanded in the late 1980's. They were a brother and sisters act from the 70's. Made the famous "Easter Song." This song, Which Way The Wind Blows is one of my favorite. Got me through a lot of my pain back in the 70's. Wore out many cassette tapes listening to it over and over again. This video is vintage. Sorry for the quality Enjoy!


Which Way the Wind Blows

Feel a Feeling
Say a Saying
But you'll still be lonely
If you think life is only for this moment

Do a Doing
Mourn a mourning
Still won't get you off your sorrow
So go ahead and cry, but you can't pry a look at tommorrow

You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow
You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow

Run a Running
Hide a Hiding
Whenever you hear the truth
And when you ask for the proof, you won't listen. Listen

Praise a praising
Build a building
Trying to get peace in your life
And you don't even know wrong from right
Where is your wisdom

You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow
You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow

Die a dying
Ressurecting
By believing and receiving
Forgiveness from Jesus who took the sin from sinning

You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow
Jesus knows which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow

Believe Him and recieve

You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow
You don't know which way the wind blows
So how can you plan tommorow

GETTING TO THE ROOT

***May Trigger***
This past weekend I wanted to set aside a time of prayer and fasting. Personally for myself and certain struggles that I believe may only be broken with prayer and fasting. But felt something was unsettling in my Spirit. Also, felt I was not prepared spiritually. I was not clear in what to do. So, I did not fast/pray. I would still like to though because there is a stubborn area in my healing process that comes out explosively in my car when I am triggered still. I need to get to the root of my anger and be able to justify it appropriately. So, instead of the fast over the weekend, I have been praying these past few days specifically for God to reveal to me certain areas of my past in order to be able to pray more efficiently when I do pray/fast. It has been hard for me to be specific in remembering events. I asked Him if He could take it a step further and show me some things more clearer in order to help me along.

What keeps on coming up is my growing up as a teenager.

Although I seemed to be able to function somewhat normally in the world, my insides spoke differently. I thought I was normal. But, at the same time such a very unhappy, fearful, lonely and sad individual!! I was so unhappy as a teen growing up after my parents divorce when I was 12 and my family split. I having to move away from my father, brothers and friends, to a new state with my mother who just remarried. Then being told by my mother that I better be nice to my new step-father.

The many heated battles my mum and I would have over my attitude towards my step-father. She would threaten me that I better be civil to him. I reacted the only way I could full of resentment and rage and that was to shut down, yell, scream, seclude, slam my bedroom door. My bedroom was my escape, safe haven from my pain. I would only surface for dinner after coming home from school and not even talk or look at either one of them. When I did come out it was to quickly eat my dinner and go back into my bedroom, door shut. Many times I was forced to remain at the dinner table until they both were done. Never uttering a word or looking at either one of them. There was only one bathroom where we lived. Many times I would hold it as long as I could to avoid coming out of my bedroom before racing out to the bathroom. This went on for years. Yes, I was very isolated. I hid in my room most of my life. Part of the reason it is so hard for me to socialize.

***Some may not fully understand what I will share next***

So, my fantasy world of la-la land would be my existence of survival. I totally understand that now. Besides stuffing my anger, my la-la land helped me daily. As I was praying to the Lord this week to help me along with my struggles, what was revealed to me specifically was my la-la land adventures. For the first time I understood the purpose of these fantasies as they were based upon desiring attention. Never thought of that before until now. It is true.

Because in my fantasies I 'always' played the victim. Made me feel good. I was the one always being rescued. I would replay the fantasy over and over and over again. Mainly at night as I went to sleep. The same fantasy could go on for weeks. I remember even being excited knowing I would be fantasizing that night. I looked forward to them over real life. In my mind I would create a scenario and play it over and over. Each time I was the victim. Being the victim consisted of being nearly killed either by a stabbing, shooting, drowning or strangled. Almost like reaching a sexual fantasy of satisfaction. The satisfaction was having my life almost snuffed out only to be saved in the end. Why I chose the morbid, I do not know. Still I strived to gain some sort of satisfaction to feel good through these dreams. A rush I would try to achieve. A high. My drug was me getting off on dying in my fantasy only to be rescude at the last moment. What I do know are those fantasies kept me alive during my teen years with coping with so much loss in my life.

I am still not convinced in my heart that what has been revealed this week to me in prayer about my fantasies and the 'attention' is what is making me go off in my car. True when I am going off in my car, I feel so in control, "hey look at me," that the attention factor could possibly be the link? But, I still feel there is something much more deeper. Abandonment, not having a say so, being sexually abused all play a part. Perhaps praying and fasting will eventually reveal the answer.

VENDING MACHINE OF PLEASING

All I ever wanted in life was to be loved, approved and accepted by all. Unfortunately, I would have to become what I thought others would like me to become. I was a regular vending machine. Push whatever buttons that would please this one, and then push another to please that one, and yet another and another and so on and so on.

There came a day after many many many years, my vending machine's inner parts started wearing down. They just could not operate to maximum capacity anymore. When you would press one button, the light would go out and nothing was dispensed. My parts wore out. I realized, this is not going to work any more. My vending machine needed to go into the shop!

One day, after bringing my vending machine into a reputable repair shop, my old inner parts were brought out and looked at. The many buttons that graced the front of my machine were slowly being whittled down. Was told this process takes a while to complete and to be patient. There are some days in the whittling process where it is very painful. Not as flexible as it once was. Still, the repair shop hammers away, molds and re-shapes in order to fine tune my dispensing machine for that one day where it can be displayed again. This time, afresh and independent! Standing alone with only "one button" to push.....

"ME."

I NEED A FATHER!

My father in many ways was not a good father. Sure, I understand now that he went through a lot of crap in his life to make him what he was. My father was also not a good listener. Meaningful conversations with him were zero to none. He never took the time to find out the "real me." I had to fight for his undivided attention many times. And when I did, he would make light of the situation. My father was very opinionated. While growing up, most of the time my father's drinking had him out of commission and he was always sleeping it off. Not only that, he neglected what it took to be a father that cared. He could not hold down a job. He was on his second marriage. His other three children from his previous marriage were not talking to him. They too felt alienated. Even upon his death 20 years ago, and on his third marriage, two of his children from his first marriage refused to come to his funeral, let alone acknowledge they even had a father.

God, my Heavenly Father is a good Father. Even though I may not understand why certain things He lets happen. He understands all the crap that I have gone through that made me what I am today. My Heavenly Father is also a good listener. In fact the best. Now, He may listen, but He does not always answer the way I would like Him to. My Heavenly Father does know the "real me." My Heavenly Father always is attentive and has my best interest in mind. Even though I may question and doubt.

I so need a father now! A father that comforts, consoles, and soothes my pain. I need a father who loves. I need a father who understand my confusion in connecting the dots when it comes to receiving, accepting and sharing love. My earthly father was not available for this.

I need a father! I need a father! I need a father!

And that father is now My Heavenly Father!

FEED THE BIRDS

In keeping with the theme of the "Simple Things Challenge" from Enchanted Oak, I chose the video Mary Poppins featuring my favorite song from the movie, "Feed the Birds." I have always, always, always loved this movie! It is my favorite. To me it is so very moving!



Yeah, I could analyze why this movie means so much to me, but I will save that for another time. Does not take a brain surgeon to figure out why. The children, the innocence, the love that is shown, etc. A place that I would just of loved to have been whisked away to forever!

I do not have many "simple things" I can reflect back on in my life, but when I was trying to think of what I could post that was at least peaceful to me, this song came to mind.

Sadly, I can only recall this being the one time as a family we all went to see a movie together in 1964. Still, I cannot place my mum or brothers at the movies with us. But, I do remember my father with me. Maybe we did not all go together??? I do not actually remember sitting through that first showing, but I do recall the ride home and how excited I was after seeing it. At least I knew I was excited about something!

I hope you enjoy it and please check out Enchanted Oak's challenge.

SIMPLE THINGS CHALLENGE

Enchanted Oak has a challenge up. She says on her blog:

I’ve randomly chosen this coming weekend, February 6 and 7, to be my own Simple Things celebration.

It’s like G-Man’s Friday Flash 55. Write on your blog on Saturday or Sunday about the simple things that bless you and include a link to my blog. Then pop in to my blog and tell me you’ve posted your “Simple Things.”

I’ll visit you, we’ll visit each other, and for each blog that participates, my family will donate $2.00 to the Heartline Ministries medical clinic in Haiti. I hope you really make me open up our checkbook here. I want to dream big. I hope that more than 50 bloggers will play along with me. Post by midnight, Pacific time, Sunday, and don’t forget to link with me and notify me that you’ve posted. You can borrow the “Simple Things” photo, which I’ve borrowed from Christina with her permission.

Make a list, write a poem, do a story, whatever floats your boat.
Here’s a haiku for starters:

Wish for human kind:
Hearts desiring forgiveness
Make the whole world smile.

Again, read all about it HERE

~~~~~~~~~~~

THERAPY

When I entered t. over a year ago, I was serious!

I have been to two other t. before. The first time was a man. Someone suggested I see a t because they thought I needed to. I did not. I did not see anything wrong with me. But, I just said, "okay."

Walked into his office one day. He asked me how can I help you? I said, "I did not know, someone told me I needed to see someone." His questions scared me. He took concern in me. I was not used to someone actually wanting to know how I was doing. After the first visit, I bolted! I was not ready! I was scared! I never returned!

Six years later I was dealing with my roommate at the time who had major issues herself. I did not recognize at the time her severe disorder. I just ended up living with them being traumatized myself daily for close to two years. She tried to gain "mind-control" over me. Put words into my mouth. Accuse me of things I did not do! She used me, manipulated me, etc. I did not know how to react. I recoiled, which she hated even more about me! I did not know what to expect each day. Some times I even felt my life was in danger. She could become violent. She turned on me. Many false accusation about me spread among her friends and then they disliked me as well. She eventually moved out because "she could not stand me!"

So, with that painful era of living in a mini-cult, being rejected, subjected and so much more entered my second t. Again, I was hesitant, not too sure if I needed help! She saw me close to one year and we only dealt with this one issue and she also encouraged me to get my BA in Psychology as she saw I had potential. Which I did. Something I never thought I would complete.

Now, fast forward 14 years to the present. I sought help on my own this time. Because my life had been going down hill over the years. My "Joy in the Lord" had all but disappeared. And at the same time I knew I had to face my issues of being sexually abused. I never discussed it or disclosed being molested by my older brother with anyone before. In the weeks that followed, a lot of other issues surfaced that only God knew needed to be revealed and worked on as well.

Originally I was going to share about my t. session from yesterday, but at this time did not feel led to. Then I thought this post was to be about, how serious are you about wanting to change in your life?

I can only say what I typed is of the Holy Spirit. He took this post in another direction. My initial intention was to be examining our priorities to see what needs to be change. But, that seemed shallow.

This post may not pertain to many of you. You may not be presently in counseling or ever gone. But, I felt led to type what I did and share it. For what it is worth.

FINDING YOUR OWN TRUTH

"The foundation of good therapy is a respectful relationship in which the therapist provides a safe space, genuine caring, and support. Good therapists don't lead-they follow their clients into the difficult and painful places they need to go. In doing so, their clients are empowered to do their own healing work, to uncover their own history, to find their own truth. As Judith Herman, author of Trauma and Recovery, explains, "Psychotherapy is a collaborative effort, not a form of totalitarian indoctrination."

All therapists, even good ones, do sometimes make mistakes. In the past, these mistakes-relative to survivors-had more to do with minimizing and denying abuse than imagining it where it didn't exist. Even now, many therapists are reluctant to explore a history of abuse with their clients.

On the other hand, some therapists have concluded on their own that a client had been abused regardless of whether the person herself thought she had. This is irresponsible therapy and potentially dangerous for the client.

Remember, you are the expert on your own life. Sometimes the path to knowing your history is a gradual one, but try to be patient with the process and over time you will come to your best understanding of your past." (The Courage to Heal)

Even though the above shares good points, the most important thing is to remember that God needs to be the center of your healing along with the Holy Spirit's guidance.

TANGLED WITH A PORCUPINE

Listen to Beth Moore this morning. She told a story about her late 'bird dog' who got tangled up with a porcupine and had quills sticking out of the side of its face. Beth's husband, lovingly took the dogs face in his hand and pulled out one by one the quills. All the while the dog shaking, but trusting his master to pull out the poison.

I saw this representing the poison from our past. The poison is slowly pulled out from us by the Lord, as we go through our pain.

It helps to envision my Lord holding me and comforting me as He pulls the quills one by one from my body. Some much more deep and embedded than others, but all the while His words of truth and comfort help soothe the pain as I heal.

SPIRITUAL RETREATS

I did not know if I would be able to make it through work today. I all but got three hours sleep last night. My mind was racing and I am still physically exhausted and aching. Tuesdays are always my busy day at work and also I was part of a group that had to take one of our co-workers out to lunch for her birthday, so I pushed on! Some days are better for me than others. Today is not one of them.

Now I am quickly doing this post then I am crashing for the rest of the evening....

I really would just love to go away for a week. Among Christian women believers and be fed the Word, worship, share, grow, relax 24/7. If there ever was a place like that in my state, a retreat, I would take the time off I Just Do It! I used to do weekend retreats with my church many years ago. They do not do this anymore.

I may just look into the idea.
For right now, good night!

THERAPY WITH GOD

I would not miss my sessions with Him. There was a very long season what I thought was quality time with the Lord which consisted of 'throwing up' quick prayers to Him.

Not saying I do not continue to struggle Big time with issues, I still do. But, I have changed. Become more sincere, serious and realize the respect that is due my Lord.

As I had become serious with my 'earthly therapy,' I have now become serious with my 'heavenly therapy' as well. Never missing a session!

Both sessions, earthly and heavenly, are so very beneficial and vital and intertwine towards healing and His ultimate goal. Both, can be ever so painful as well. There is never a set time for my therapy with God. I can come any time.

So, daily I have therapy with God....

By....

Reading His Word. Communing with Him. Asking Him to reveal to me areas I need to see and work on....

I try to.....

Listen, wait, watch, expect, depend....

He knows I....

Cry, hurt, question....

In addition to being my Wonderful Counselor....

He is my closest Friend (and He knows how much I need that) and my Comforter....

One day I am praying that I will fall in love with Him!

I have had so many mixed messages to what love really is from my parents and then being sexually abused, this area is very difficult for me to understand and accept. That is why I struggle with PP (people pleasing) and with God, as I feel I need to earn others love and acceptance.

He brings to remembrance the tools I have learned in 'earthly therapy' and helping me to apply them. Sometimes more successful than others.

But, He is oh so very patient to walk me through the pain! He knows my struggles, especially with accepting His love.

How is your therapy with God going?