SATAN's TOOL

My mother has no idea how she is being used by Satan as a tool to "try" and condemn me. If I were to say this to her, she would go berserk.

We are all very capable, even without knowing it, being used by Satan. Even the disciples, especially Peter in Matthew 16:23 when Jesus said to him, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

My mother has already started with me for not attending Maundy Thursday services (which I have never done, but she insists I have) that she claims everyone goes to. I told her "no, not everyone goes to Maundy Thursday." Then came why I was not going to Good Friday services. Again, she claiming everyone goes to and "how dare I do not go." There was a time that the fear she bestowed upon me "forced" me to do what she said out of guilt, shame and condemnation! (Spiritual Abuse)

With that being said, I still find it difficult facing her. I do not even dare tell her I am contemplating not going to the Easter service.

I am just struggling now. So much crap has been going on this past week.

I still may change my mind about going on Easter, but right now it is hard for me and I certainly do not need her telling me I am bad for not doing this.

Looking forward to the day, where I will be brave enough and NOT FEAR nor FEEL SHAME and tell her about the cell phone I bought last year without her approval, the computer I bought last year, without her approval and my recent guitar purchase, without her approval.

Right now, I still have strong ties to her. I still feel very little at times. If confronted, I believe I will still attack her in anger. I am still not confident enough in myself to believe that I have a right to be happy. But, I am getting there.....

IT ARRIVED!

This has been really a rough week for me across the board. So many challenges and attacks seemed to have been happening one right after another attacking me emotionally and physically.

Today, the early arrival of my newly bought Esteban guitar brought at least a smile to my face.

SHOULD I BE UPSET?

I do not know if I should be upset or not, or give the benefit of the doubt. Here is the story.

A co-worker of mine found out that I used to play tennis about ten years ago (I was very active in sports) and she was looking for a tennis partner to start playing again. I agreed to play with her after work tonight. Warning her that I had not played in over ten years. Okay, that part is fine. We had fun. We will probably do this regularly.

Now, here is the "should I be upset part."

For the past year and a half I have been leaving work two hours early once a week for my t. session. Far as I knew, only two people knew I was going to t., my boss who I had to tell to get permission to leave early and the person who suggested my t. to me.

I had my suspicions. And I kept on thinking eventually at least the people in my department would catch on after a year and a half that I leave early the same time each week and they must have inquired. So, I should not be that surprised! Only human nature. I too would wonder 'where has this person been going every week'.....

But, no one has ever approached me or slipped up that they knew I was going to t. until tonight with my co-worker/tennis partner who I am not really that close to.

All she stated was that she "knew I was going to t." Now, if she knows, I am sure others know. My concern is, if she knows the specifics to why I am going then I would be upset.

If that is the case, then that info came from either my boss, who swore she would not say anything to anyone from day one or the other person, who also swore they would not say anything. But, if all that anyone knows is that I am going to t. then that is okay, I can live with that.

I have stopped volunteering info to my boss and other co-worker already a couple of months back about my t. session. And if I do share, I will not share as much as I used to just because of what I thought could happen.

So there you have it.

Now, I really cannot go and 'bust my bosses chops' as she is the one that lets me go early.

Maybe I am making too much out of this.

Really, I am not gonna die over the fact, if in fact, she does know why I am going. After all there is nothing I can do at this point if she does.

I am not ashamed that I am going to t., I just do not want the reason, as of yet, or if at all, to be known when and if I ever do share.

Is life too short to worry about this???

THE SHAME

Being brought up in an alcoholic home, where my father was not available for me emotionally, my brother who sexually abused me, and my mother who was way too much available for me trying to control, instill her ideals, her hopes, her aspirations to have a perfect daughter loomed heavily on me.

I remember my mother coaching me on how to smile for our family church picture when I was around 8. I still have that picture to this day. I was not happy in it. This was around the same time my brother was sexually abusing me. So I probably did not feel like smiling.

How on earth did I reason what my brother did to me was normal and okay? I have to keep reminding myself today, "it was not my fault." I knew no better, I was only eight and I trusted him. I had no clue this abuse would screw me up later on in life.

Shame now is my primary focus that I am dealing with. Seeing more how I responded to situations in my life, where I thought something was wrong with me, shows me that I was only protecting myself from further hurt and I was not this crazy person after all.

I always had trouble expressing myself. I just stuffed my painful emotions deep within my core and covered it up with humor as a child.

Only the pain I covered up would show up later on in life, especially after my parents divorce, which crushed me, through rebellion, anger (which I still battle with greatly, I found out the other day -wo-), certainly depression, anxiety, etc. I did not turn to drugs or alcohol to numb my pain, I just isolated and went off in my own world to cope.

Thought a lot about last weeks exercise in having people walk ahead of me because of my shame issues. I noticed I do that at work also. A lot of shame comes up during this time. Shame of not being worthy or important enough.

Although, I must say that I did go first one time last week at work. So, I did make a conscience effort, despite feeling very uncomfortable.

UNEASINESS

My Spirit has been so uneasy since yesterday.

Woke up still with the uneasiness.

And I have been praying in the Spirit constantly since then, because I feel really troubled. Asking God to either release what is troubling me or show me what I need to do. Which I feel is "trust Him."

Some things came up yesterday at work dealing with 'making matters worse than they are,' and 'changes.'

These situations I had no control over. Both do involve me. One of them is an executive decision, the other, I totally understand where this person is coming from and their response does not surprise me, but troubles me and shows me they still struggle in their own growth in their journey to freedom.

I am an innocent bystander in both these situations, and watched how things unfolded but nevertheless, they affect my Spirit.

I need to work through what I am feeling.....

LEGALISM

My pastor preached on legalism yesterday. Very powerful sermon and one I and many of us can relate to. He related legalism to how we even people please.

I grew up knowing spiritual abused and believing legalism. The views my mother bestowed upon me, go deep. She would throw out the line "God was not pleased with me if I did something wrong or would not go to church."

I think it was my first t. visit and I was telling my t. that "I force myself to praise God with song many times." She started laughing. Which threw me. At that point I was taken-back by her response as I saw nothing wrong with pushing myself to praise God when I did not feel like it. But later understood why she did what she did. I was legalistic in believing "I had to do it."

Other things have come up through out the year that my t. has called me on. The most recent from a few weeks back was on "love." The topic I have trouble understanding let alone giving and accepting it. I made the comment, "I must love people, as it says so in the Bible." Okay...... legalistic. I no more can feel love let alone give it. So how can I do this? But, I must do it because it says it in the Bible. Yeah, right.

But, how can I love people, if I never received the proper love from others and let alone accept God's love?

Oh, I know in my head I understand God loves me. It pleases Him to love. God loves me because it is His nature to love me.

But, in order for me to love others, and not because the Bible says to, is when I begin receiving God's unconditional love for me. Then, and only then, will I be able to start really loving not only Him, but myself and others because I want to, not because I have to.

DID SOMETHING NICE FOR MYSELF

I very rarely do something nice for myself.

Ingrained fear from my mother not to enjoy the pleasures of life.

Well, today, I did something nice for myself. Despite my mother screaming in my head to....

NOT DO THIS!
YOU CANNOT AFFORD THIS!
YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT!
YOU DON'T DESERVE FEELING GOOD!

I mean I reverted back to "shame on me" for spending money on myself.

I was even going to do it yesterday, but chickened out. Because of the fear and the above lies. Got angry at myself for not following through then.

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to still do what I wanted yesterday, today with added bonuses.

Oh, you want to know what it is huh?

Do ya now?

How bad do ya want to know?

Hmmmmmmm.......

Well.......

As most of you know I enjoy playing guitar, and feel the Lord has gifted me in this area. Hey, I am no Paul McCartney, but I am okay and thankful that at least in this area, I am pretty confident. Sometimes I relate my music and playing to Mel Tillis.

Mel Tillis is a Country Singer, who stutters terribly, until he sings. You would never know he had a speech impediment. Amazing.

Not that I stutter, but with my gift of music, I could be having such a bad day, feeling hopeless and despondent and to have me pick up my guitar and start playing, the pain of what I am experiencing, subsides for the time being.

Okay, enough yada yada yada JBR.

I am a fan of Esteban.



So, I bought one of his guitars!



He offers such nice looking and well made guitars. This guitar is better than the one I have now.

The guitar and fixings will arrived the same day I have my devotional at work which I was planning on playing in eleven days. So I will be using my old guitar. Boo hoo. :( Unless, God Speed Delivers it a day earlier. :)

I really needed this boost today!

I needed to feel good about myself, despite the guilt that comes and goes now after this purchase. I still feel good that I was able to make a decision on my own and fight the lies inside my head.

LISTENING

"Listen carefully to my words, let this be the consolation you give me."
Job 21:1

Was reading a devotional on listening. Listening has been a weakness of mine in the past. Usually I was soooo pulled inside my own world, I tried to tune out what people were saying. Was so afraid to even respond to questions for fear I would be wrong.

Many of us struggle with fully paying attention to someone speaking to us. Especially when sharing a problem or concern. With me, in the past, I would try and have an answer, because I thought I had to have one and wanted to be right and come over intelligent. So as someone would be speaking to me sharing their heart, I went off in my mind trying to come up with a solution. At the same time not "hearing" important "red flags" that were being mentioned and missing a lot of pertinent information. All because I wanted to protect myself from looking 'stupid.'

I love when people give me their full attention. I do not find many of those now-a-days. But there are some out there that will actually look at me in the eyes and hear what I have to say. Whether they have an answer or not. Shows that I am important enough to be heard.

I have learned to be a good listener now. Only by God's grace can I concentrate on someone else at the time and not worry about me and what will I say. If I can help, I will then contribute. Otherwise, I will just be a good compassionate listener.

SHAME CONTINUES TO UNRAVEL

In t. yesterday I shared, although my t. already knew something was up as whenever she greets me at the door, I try and make sure that she walks ahead of me.

I have always done that with virtually anyone that "knows" me. If you are a stranger, then it would not bother me as much.

I hate people behind me because I perceive they are thinking bad about me, looking me over.

Shame.

My mother would always and tries even to this day, shame me about my looks, or about what I did or did not do.

She would say, "you are such a pretty girl, but you are heavy. Why do you do this?" And to top it off she would have a frown of disappointment on her face, (like a pout) which would just kill me inside! Looks are just as bad as words!!

So yesterday, as my t. greeted me at the door, she wanted me to walk ahead of her. I convinced her to go ahead of me "that" time. But later on in our session we practiced with me going first and saying to myself that "I am worthy," "my looks do not matter," "I am important," etc. I felt awkward, silly, and yes, shameful doing this exercise. Brings out a lot of deep rooted shame in me. I know this exercise can only help me, and eventually in time, I pray that I will believe what I am actually saying to myself. I cannot even look in the mirror and say at my reflection that, "I am worthy, I am loved, I am not a mistake."

Even though we did not discuss this yesterday in t., I remember having had similar experiences when it came to men. Even complete strangers. When I was younger, in denial and thinner, having men gawk and do cat calls and say stuff to me would set me on edge. This type of behavior brought out in my extreme shame, anger and fear. This type of shame has a lot to do with being sexually abused.

BLAH

Been feeling pretty blah these days. Even though I am progressing in my healing, and can briefly get excited about where I am in Christ, I know the joy has yet to arrive. I know it will take time.

Feel I am still going through the motions and just existing.

BROKEN

My initial brokenness began about a year and a half ago. I knew I had major issues in my life that needed to be addressed. I was severely depressed. I was tired of living the life that I came to know oh so well and to learn that I was only surviving my past.

I felt just like the song depicts below, that I was "falling apart and just barely breathing and hanging on." Some days I felt so "flat lined," I wondered how I even functioned. I had no idea how deep my emotional pain was, until I went to counseling.

It has not been easy. There were times I just wanted to quit! But, as I continued to be more broken, not saying the pain becomes easier, but there is a certain comfort in seeing and knowing that through the pain I have been gaining healing.

Also, recognizing I have become closer to God in my pain, despite my struggle with accepting His trust and love. My journey has revealed to me that these struggles go painfully deep. But, I am always reminded by others, that it is okay. That in time, His love will break through.

And when that happens, "Look Out!"



The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

REVELATION SONG HERE I COME

The Lord has impressed upon my heart greatly to do the Revelation Song for my devotional in a couple of weeks at work. I have no problems what so ever with it now. See HERE.

Once finding a higher key for my guitar, it plays and I play and sing it out nicely. Truly is a blessing. I play the song at least once a day. Usually before work. Singing this song by myself or listening to it sung by Kari Jobe either way has a overpowering affect on my Spirit. When I am done, I can hardly move.

PIT OF PAIN

"I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit . . . and set my feet upon a rock." Romans 5:8

As I continue my journey, each new battle and memory I face and go through, every time the Lord pulls me up a little bit more out of the pit. Your pit could be the pit of depression, the pit of the effects from sexual, physical, verbal abuse, pit of lust, pit of despair, on and on.

No one wants to be in the pit of pain. The pit is Satan's sandbox. He does not play nice. He throws sand. He makes fun of me. He lies. He schemes. He takes advantage of my painful memories in the pit.

Through my pit journey into freedom, I cry out to God. My pit of pain can be extremely excruciating emotionally, and I do not need a bully throwing sand in my face.

I cry out to the neighborhood "Good Guy," God to protect and help me out of my pit! There is nothing wrong with doing that. In fact, He wants me to. He knows without His help, I will be defeated in the pit! Each time, I cry out to my God, I become stronger and He pulls me out a little bit more. Each time I learn new grounding tools to defeat the enemy and the enemy in my head.

WALK ME THROUGH THE PAIN

A certain situation came up with me late this afternoon.

I have been down this particular road so many times before and it can be so very painful emotionally. I did not want to take this route again.

Seems the enemy is coming fast and furious with his attacks these day!

So, I quickly hit my knees and cried out to the Lord to just "Walk me through the pain."

Took a while.

Have been very antcy!

I was battling back and forth, crying, pleading, relaxing, praying, crying again.

But, the Lord was faithful and He did walk me through the pain, and I have a peace about the whole situation now.

Reassuring me that He still has a plan for my life and it has not fully unfolded yet!

KTZARIM/GROUP THERAPY

I found these funny videos.

"Ktzarim is the hit sketch show that brings you short hilarious scenes preformed by Keren More, Moni Mushonov, Riki Bloch and more It is based on the successful British show 'The Sketch Show.'

Instead of waiting for the punch line you just getting them one after the other Ktzarim is one of the best satirical shows on today Israeli TV.

NEW BLOG DESIGN

I went ahead and changed my blog design for now.

I still have the old template to fall back on if need be.

So......

What do you think?

Seriously, do not worry, you will not hurt my feelings if you do not like it.

I can go either way on this one too.

One minute I like it, then I don't????

Royal Blue is my second favorite color to Forest Green ( God Whispers In The Wind ).

Thanks.

TRUST IS LOVE

Sheila Walsh was a guest last Friday on "Life Today." They repeated the same broadcast of her from last Monday's program. When I first heard it on Monday, I remembered something she said right at the beginning about God's love and trusting Him that got me to thinking. As I struggle big in this area.

Throughout the week I kept on remembering what she said and kind of pushed it out of my mind, as I really did not want to go there. Then hearing again on Friday the same program, and feeling a check in my Spirit to blog about it. I really did not want to. So, I did not.

But, here I am, finally obeying and blogging about it. I have no clue why? Maybe someone else needs to read these words also. I do not know. Only the Spirit knows.

Even though I am not there yet, I pray that one day I will be able to do and feel what she states below:

No, I think it is God's passionate pursuit of who we really are. I used to think--if you had asked me even last year, what do you think is the greatest gift you could give God? I would say to love Him. Today, I would say to trust Him because I think trusting God is what love looks like. I can tell God I love Him but do I trust Him with my life? Like today, I'm 53 years old, gave my life to Christ when I was 12, and I could sit here tonight and tell you, I trust God now. I don't even need to know the plan. You don't need to tell me why we're going there but if that's where you're going, I'm coming with you.

(Sheila Walsh-transcript)

I LOST MYSELF

Yesterday's t. session was not as intense as the week before. But, potent enough. Shame was still discussed and some more things were uncovered and revealed.

The shame base nature of this ugly monster always leads to fear.

When fear overwhelmed me growing up, I would try my best to protect myself and avoid getting myself in situations that would cause me fear. End result, "retreating," "avoiding," and if found in a situation that I had no control over, "making light of the fear and squash the pain."

I could not let anyone know how I was feeling for "fear" of being laughed at and criticized. So, what usually would happen was I would make fun of myself before anyone would even get a chance to make fun of me. I already set myself up for failure. I catch myself even to this day doing that.

Part of my t. is having my shame revealed. And boy, it is doing just that!

All my life, I have really never had a best friend or anyone to talk to about anything about myself. That is why I find it so very painfully lonely and hard opening up and expressing my feelings to people. The best friend I created to survive back then was my own la-la land in my mind.

Once my parents divorced when I was eleven, and I was forced to move away to New York from Florida with my mother who remarried, I lost all my childhood friends. And I lost myself.

That is when I started to survive on my own terms. Unfortunately, retreating, fear, shame took control which made it so very difficult to reach out to anyone and make friends. The boys that took advantage of me in school where nothing to me. They wanted something, and I let them have it. Just because. There was no dating with any of them. What transpired was all done in secrecy mainly on the school grounds.

As an adult, the deep relationships with both men and women never happened. I did not know how to properly relate, to anyone. With men it would just go so far, and I would pull the plug. I would run away, make excuses before anything got too deep and personal. By this time I was so into my own world and so well protected no one could get in. I have always been a nervous wreck, trying to predict the outcome of a possible scenario before it happened that may cause me emotional pain.

My t. is really the first person I have ever confided in. And now my blog. Not even God did I go to.

I amaze myself with some of the things I share with my t. when I actually verbalize them in session. Thinking, "did I actually say this?" And, "did this actually happen to me?" Because I have stuffed all the pain for so many years I never verbalized it until recently.

Part of my healing is allowing the God, that I have so much trouble trusting at this point, to get to the deep core of my shame! God knows for certain, since it is my M.O., that I want to run and hide! I know, and I thank Him, that He is very patient with me. Glad He is. At the same time, unfortunately I can be very impatient with myself as I want this part of the journey to be done with.

NO CONDEMNATION

"Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit. Romans 8:1

This is one Scripture that I have committed to memory.

I struggle in this area big time and admit condemnation gets the better of me. But, I am slowly and I mean slowly letting God help me work towards healing in this area.

I can be my worst enemy at times, along with Satan who will do everything in his power to trip me up and make me feel condemned that I do not even want to try anymore.

Along with having deep shame, condemnation falls right along side of it. Being brought up with parents, especially my father, who could be very displeased with me and condemning me for things not only brought shame but the thought I would never be forgiven.

I can even remember now, and to this day, when I feel I have done something wrong, I have to make sure from the other person that they have forgiven me. With my mother, I remember hounding her, making sure she forgave me. I had to hear the words over and over again. I was more afraid approaching my father asking for forgiveness. As I learned the hard way many times with his reply that would even make me feel more condemnation and shameful. He was a very critical man. So, I just took it on that I was not forgiven and went on.

But, it has been so very hard to believe all these years that I have been forgiven after repenting! I take on such condemnation at times, that I wonder how God can even forgive me. I know what the Bible states is true, but it is the believing and accepting that God has 'totally' forgiven me and offers His love to me that hinders my progress.

Then I can be amazed other times, how clear some things are revealed to me, that only God's hand could of been in it and I have no problem accepting that.

I just do not know?

I get confused over the whole thing many times.

Why sometimes I feel I am in better tune and walking right along side with Him, even though I struggle with accepting His love and forgiveness??????

Does not make sense to me?

I guess in spite of my insecurities, and He being "Love," He still shows "this love" to me with no condemnation regardless if I can accept it or not. Because that is just who He is.

BLOGGING THROUGH THICK and THIN

This picture is how I feel.

As I go through my journey, when it is really painful, I want to retreat. I shared in past posts, blogging become hard for me then.

But, knowing blogging is probably one of the therapeutic avenues to take when I am hurting really bad, to get my pain out in order to help with my healing process, I believe I would benefit from it. Even if it is only to blog one line. At least I blogged. I shared. One line of pain, if that was all I could muster up at the time. But it would be just as real as blogging four paragraphs.

Confirming all this, I keep reading over and over again from many of you as you encourage me back as well, is that 'when I share my struggles and pain a lot of you actually can relate and it helps you as well.' That I have some kind of ministry.

It is hard for me to accept that what I say is actually helping some of you. But, the more and more I keep reading and even hearing it, after telling my t. that I blog about my journey, she agrees with you all that it is a ministry in itself.

So, I will blog through thick and thin from now on.

HEALING IN TEARS

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17 NIV)

Through my tears, I am reminded that there is healing in them.

WORKING ON THE LIE

This past week has been a struggle for me. Have not felt like doing much of anything. Even blogging. Work is a struggle even getting there. I cannot wait to get out of work and go home, eat then go to bed.

I do not feel I regressed, or say I am any more depressed and sad than normal, but I believe this is a new stage I am entering in my journey. More of a "let go, as painful as it is" stage. A stage where I am having to trust God fully. Which I am having difficulty in doing.

At work now, I am finding myself just stepping back. Going through the motions. More to my self. Letting certain situations fall into place as they happen, i.e. dealing with people pleasing. Then at the same time trying to be open to the Holy Spirit and what He has to reveal to me through this process. Showing still how painful it is to me to feel rejected and be used by others.

What I feel impressed upon me these couple of days that keeps coming up in my spirit, that is helping me to deal with what is going on around me is the phrase that, 'people will just do that.' People can be mean to me, reject me, use me, etc. Even though it is not right.

I have been hurt and disappointed so many times in my life, that I never came to grips with the fact that people, even I, can be pretty nasty. I would poo poo how they treated me and have an excuse for them or just take it on, which was most of the time, that it was my fault that the reason they are treating me this way is because of me and they are "entitled" to it.

I have used that word "entitled" before, when explaining that during my Junior and High School days letting some boys have their way with me. Back then I did not know what a boundary was. Again, entitlement. All stemming from, what I believe was when my brother sexually abused me at a younger age.

When I was abused as a child, not just sexually by my brother, but emotionally and physically as well by my parents, I carried with me into the present the shame that I am learning "is not mine." Blaming myself or accepting what was done to me, as little as I can remember, I claimed was my fault.

Right now I see this lie.

Trusting in order to work through the shame is still very hard.

ONE DAY I'LL SEE

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand." Isaiah 64:8

These past few days I have been reflecting a whole lot.

Crying. Hurting. Grieving.

Kind of expected, since last weeks t. brought out how deep my shame goes. I mean, I know I had shame, but I did not know how deep it runs.

During this time, I am trying to hold on to the promise that God has an awesome plan for me. It is very hard to believe when you are going through pain, that anything good can come out of ones journey.

I need to trust Him more than ever now!

There are things going on inside of me that I just do not understand. But I believe once I finally arrive at the place where God wants to bring me, I will see how it has prepared me for what God wanted for me all along.

SO MUCH SHAME!!!

Had intense t. yesterday.

Brought up tremendous amount of shame!

I had no clue that the session was going to go this way.

The Holy Spirit did though.

After coming home from t. I sat down and stared at my computer for about an hour or so processing. I was debating if I wanted to even post a blog about this or just go into hibernation (which I am so good at), and step away from the blogging world for a bit. But, in the back of my mind, I am reminded by many of you how therapeutic it is to share and not cut off the world and not recoil. To know that it is okay to take care of myself and reach out.

So,

Went to bed.

Not sure if I was going to blog anymore.

Exhausted.

Burnt.

Then,

Woke up.

Here it is 4:45 a.m.

Now, I think I am ready to share, as much as I can.

Very difficult to share, as I am even feeling the shame well up inside of me again. But, will share nevertheless.....

Since I cannot remember specifics, blocked out, too painful, but all evidence points to 'earthly daddy' as one of the shaming culprits, for now. I sense there is much more, having to deal with my brother and the sexual abuse. But for now, we are concentrating on 'earthly daddy.' I am having to trust not only God, but the leading of the Holy Spirit through my t.

My t. gently took me back when I would hide, specifically in the hamper, 4-6 yrs. old? I could not even look at my t. during this time, as I was so full of shame and fear. So much pain! Buried my head in my hands, covering my face. (Like the picture above) I went totally inside myself. Literally pulled myself within. Held onto myself. Became 'little JBR.'

I and my t. knows when I am 'little JBR.' It was her that my t. wanted to talk to. Which most of the time she did. On occasion 'big JBR' would appear with some philosophical answer, to make sure she was saying it correctly. Only to be asked to let 'little JBR' speak again. To share the pain of how a look from her 'earthly daddy' or a critical word would bring shame to her. How 'little JBR' took on the critical spirit of her 'earthly daddy' blaming herself, believing she was a screw up. All the while being reminded, that what happened to her was not her fault. Her 'earthly daddy' had many problems of his own.

I was then asked to look at my t. a couple of times. Oh the shame!! As difficult as it was, and it was, and as briefly I was able to look at her, with her hands in my hands which mine were sweating clenched together, heart racing she reminded me that God is very patient and will not rush the process to my healing. Well, He certainly is. After all it took close to a year and a half to get to this point to begin with.

THIS IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING

God never ceases to humor me at times.

He just knows exactly what I need to hear.

I am not gonna lie, it has really been tough for me these past few days where I really wanted to quit my journey. Everything in me was holding on for dear life. Because I do not want to quit!!!

But, through your encouraging comments and the course of events that unfolded yesterday, showed me that God is moving in my life and I just need to hang on to Him through this difficult time.

Then to have Him top it off this morning with me watching 'Wednesday's With Beth Moore' and her opening statement was the final confirmation from God to me to press on:

Let me tell you a game the enemy is playing with us and he is playing with us all over the body of Christ with this. You have the right in Christ to be a whole person.

One of the things that James says all of the time. He says, I spend my life desiring to see the church get healthy. “Every single one of us has the right in Christ to be a whole, healthy individual. To have a healthy heart and a healthy mind it gets to be your right in Christ.

And here’s what happens. When we begin to realize for a long time, we won’t even admit we have any stuff at all. But then once we come to grips with the fact that we really do have some pretty severe stuff, here is what the enemy starts playing on us with. He begins to convince us that if we really ever did open that can of worms, we wouldn’t be able to deal with it. So if he can ever convince us, if I ever looked into my past and dealt with the things that happened to me in childhood, I will go crazy-I will go crazy.

And listen, it is a big one. It is a big one because it is a serious threat because we think really, honestly that could happen. And I’m not so sure it couldn’t unless you claimed your right - claimed your right in Christ.

Listen, what does the enemy have to gain my convincing you, don’t ever deal with your past because your mind will never make it all the way through it. That is a stinking lie! You talk about a lie from the pit of hell - to do anything to threaten us that we would not be able to get though it.

Listen, he knows that on the other side of you dealing with your stuff in the health and healing of Christ Jesus, you deliverer would set your feet into a place of effectiveness and ministry and anointing the enemy has great stake in you not going.

So he has everything to lose in you getting healthy in Christ - everything to lose! So whatever he has to play on you to get you from dealing with your stuff he’s going to do it.

(Transcript from James Robinsons Life Today)

This really applies to all of us! Do Not Give Up!

CYCLE REPEATING ITSELF

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete." 2 Corinthians 10:5-6

God I feel I am going through a particular season once again.

I feel I have been here already and the cycle is repeating itself.

I know where this repeating of this cycle began, from Saturday. Where I am reaching out to others, which is a new beginning for me, and having high hopes of meeting up with a co-worker that were squashed because I had no control over the situation as I was in physical pain. I was blocked!!! Something I do not like! God is showing me this, and we are working on overcoming still these weaknesses, i.e. failure, lack of worth, etc.

But, I do not want to go through this pain again.....

I am trying to be strong. But admitting, I am not Daddy!

The little praise I have, seems to have gone out for now.

I question why? Why? Why? Why?

I am hurting!

I am crying!

I want to hide.

I feel I am weaker, but I know I am not. Through my trials, I continue to grow, if I am willing. And Yes I am willing!!

I know all these negative thoughts are not from You but from the enemy. I know I will come through with Your help!

Is Satan trying so hard because he knows how close I am to a breakthrough?

God give me the strength and help me to take captive the deception of Satan's lies about me! Help me to look to ONLY YOU and no one else! Help me NOT to take in what I may perceive to be negative and can effect my day as I go out into the world! Help me not to become offended!!

Help me to replace these lies with truth that I am worthy, You have a plan for me, and help me to hold on to believing that You do love me.

I need that reassurance!

COMFORT IN MY BLOGGY BUDDIES

I find comfort in my bloggy buddies.

Today was a bit rough for me at work. I felt very weak in fighting off the attacks of the enemy emotionally. He got the better of me a few times when I felt I was being ignored by my peers and I felt very hurt. I went and found a quiet place and lifted my pain up to the Lord.

I look forward to the day where I will be able to manage the pain of low self worth and shame and eventually look forward to the day that the aforementioned does not bother me anymore. If there is such a thing?

I feel so at ease once home in my own comfort zone and able to release my pain through my blogging to those who understand..... you all!

SONG FOR DEVOTIONS

Some of you may recall me sharing that every few months at work I have to do my scheduled devotional in front of my co-workers. Each of us has to take a turn each day. We can do anything that the Lord leads us to do to encourage one another. I usually read something that everyone can relate to, sort of like my blog, but toned down. And finish it off with a worship song that I sing and play guitar.

Next month, April 6, I am scheduled to do my morning devotional. I would really like to do Revelation Song, but finding it is very difficult to sing. But if I put a capo on my guitar I may be able to handle the song. If not, I have a back up song. But, for now, I will be practicing the song and if I feel comfortable enough with it, I will bless my co-workers then.

Trying to figure out how to post a MP3 here on Blogspot of me. I do not believe they let you do this. Also maybe somehow figuring out to upload a snipet audio onto YouTube????

PAINFUL NERVE

As miserably disappointed I was not to go to my friend's house on Saturday, because of a migraine, (thank you all for your wonderful encouraging comments) the Lord still had a plan. His plan was just as painful as a migraine, but it showed and gave me the opportunity to grow even more in my healing.

Ephesians 3:16 shows that God understands what it takes in order to heal:

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power
through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your
hearts through faith.

Areas in my life that need to be strengthen in order to heal continue. God certainly understands and sees the depth of my soul where my healing must take place. He sees my pain.

The Spirit desires to get in there and fuse healthy fibers and cut out where the pain resides. While the Spirit works within, many times a raw painful nerve is touched that reaches the depths of my being and I cry out in desperation. He hit that nerve a few times over the weekend which released deep sobbing.

Out of my desperation, I cried out, "God these painful thoughts of loneliness and lack of self worth still overwhelm me. Why is it still such a struggle? Lord give me the strength to be content just where I am right now."

What I found out is that, He desires to go even deeper to my very core. That is why I still struggle. That is why the nerve is so sensitive and exposed. There is still deep pain inside.

Oh great!

Only there can He fully do His work, if I let Him. To the very core of the pain, which is necessary in order to heal still must continue.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have Him in my life! Because there would have been no way for me to be able to endure this journey alone! No Way! Nada! Niet!

So, even though I have improved tremendously, I still have a long way to go.

IN MY ARMS

I will let the video speak.

In my arms

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que’s
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You’ll someday see
The truth for lies

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

In my arms
In my arms

LEARNED SOMETHING

I have been pretty much out of it this weekend with a migraine. I will not even attempt church today.

I was not even able to go meet up with my friend yesterday. I waited to the last minute to cancel, because I wanted to see if my migraine would be better. I did not want to take the chance to drive such a long distance with this pain. So I ended up calling her. She is very gracious and understood as she gets them worse than I.

But, I oh wanted so much to go!!!

Through this, I learned something yesterday. How to squash the guilt trip the enemy uses that crept in my stinkin' thinkin' right away saying, "ahhh, you could have gone. You are not that bad."

In the past, I would have "forced" myself to go sick and all. Tough it out. In the end hating every minute of my decision. As I would not be able to enjoy my time as I would have liked and also in the past forcing myself to go because of my past thinking "they will not like me anymore, I must keep up the front" and then end up getting worse the next day because I did not take care of myself.

So, despite it all, I see growth in taking care of my needs and not worrying what others think. It was hard. As through out the day, I had to constantly fight off these negative thoughts with the Word of God.

But, I was able to! Amen!

I am going back to bed now...... Zzzzzzzz

HAD NO BOUNDARIES

****MAY TRIGGER****

Another memory surfaced.

I was 14 in school talking to my teacher with a couple of other kids around me and the boy that was using me at the time stood next to me groping me in front of everyone. Okay. Bad enough.

As I type this I am right back there. ASHAMED!! But I did NOT do a thing! I know I felt so ashamed and I remember the look on my teachers face, who in fact was a male, and he did not a thing. He was a wimp.

Anyway, why I bring this up and post about it? Maybe to share for any out there who have struggled with "why couldn't I stop the abuse?"

I was paralyzed. Same when my brother was doing it to me. I had no boundaries. I was so afraid to say no. I felt I had no rights. I felt this was normal, despite feeling deep shame.

But I did have boundaries! I just was not able to enforce them because of my immaturity, fear and what I believed that it was okay to be taken advantage of.

It was NOT!

RE-LEARNING

T. yesterday was one of my most difficult sessions ever. I do not even know if my t. even knew that.

I am burnt out, emotionally drained, exhausted and for some reason, I knew ahead of time on Wednesday at work (the Spirit's guidance) to put in a P.T.O. day for today.

It was a difficult session already because going in, my head was so foggy, my hormones were raging, I was fighting with my stinkin' thinkin', battling with Satan's lies and I had a really difficult time expressing what I was experiencing at that moment. Only God knew the depth of my pain.

Through it all the session was extremely beneficial and an eye opener. God still prevailed.

I have to start to re-learn and even learn some things in order to heal.

One being how to be a friend.

Reach out more and accept others friendships. May be simple to some of you, but it ain't for me.

I cannot even think about a serious relationship with the opposite sex, until I can establish how to relate within a relationship. Painful truth.

Part of my sickness is that in the past I would choose, again in my own stinkin' thinkin' way, who I wanted to be friends with. Zero on in and then start to work at, what I thought was normal, but was a co-dependency fix. That is why I do better with one on one relationships, rather than in groups. I had my mind already made up who I wanted as a friend, "who met my needs, i.e. to be accepted" and "I theirs, i.e. for me to be used." Would not give others a chance. Sounds selfish, yes. But that is part of the deception.

Where in the past B.J. ("Before Journey") I would establish friendships on obligation and what, I thought at the time made "me" feel good, when in reality I was being used and doing whatever the other person wanted. I had no voice. I had no life! I just had a sick co-dependency relationship that literally at times felt like it sucked the life out of me and even the other person. Because I worked so hard 24/7 at keeping what I thought a friendship should be. I see now, how sick this was. Then I would crash severely. Depression, guilt and condemnation would settle in once they got tired of me, or God moved them out of my life.

In healing I have to begin to gauge what a "friendship" truly is. Pointed out yesterday to me in t., which I had no clue about, were some things I mentioned that showed signs of friendship with reaching out to another co-worker. Inviting her to lunch in the past. I was making progress. It pays to say what is on your mind. For what I said, again, I did not see it as progress, but my t. did. Just thought it was normal and was not even going to mention it.

It is like, "so that is what you call a friend or friendship?"

Right away shame enveloped me only because I felt I "should have" known this. That I did not recognize the growth. That these feelings "should be" natural and why do I struggle? I was then reminded by my t. that "I had no way of knowing this. As I did not know. And not to beat myself up about it. And there is nothing to be ashamed about."

I think a portion of my shame comes from me putting sooooo much high expectation on myself that when it is not met I am shamed into feeling bad. That is an area that probably needs to be looked into further at a later date.

Anyway, I am in my journey for the long haul. Pain and the whole kit and caboodle. Freedom is down the line.

TRAPPED ENERGY

I had one of those days yesterday. Everyone and I mean everyone bothered the &^%$ out of me!! I felt I was at one of my worst yesterday at work. A couple of times I had to pull myself over to the side and have a chit-chat with myself.

You ever get to a point where you just do not care (but really you do, because you really do not want to hurt anyone), and just show how frustrated you are? For no reason it seems?

Ahhhh, but there is a reason. There is always a reason.

I have always felt that way. I have always been the type of person who was so very active. Especially as a child. On the go, go, go. Play, play, play. I hate sitting still.

And when that was taken away from me as a child, when the playing stopped, I had to adapt to a new life style. Soon after my parents divorce and my mother remarrying quickly, I had to move away with her and had to compensate.

I have all this energy, along with emotional pain trapped inside of me. Feel at times I want to explode.

So, this "feeling" comes up in me really strong at times. It is always there.

Fortunately at my job, which I am happy at, I am able to move around. So I can walk it off. I have had some jobs that I had to sit all day, I could not handle those. I usually ended up quitting as I felt I was not challenged enough and I could not stand being idle.

GRIEVING A POSITIVE THING

I still find myself grieving.

I gather there is no timetable to this?

I never grieved when my brother sexually abused me. I never grieved when my family was falling apart and my parents divorced. I never grieved when my father neglected me. I never grieved when my father passed. I never grieved that my mother re-married a stranger that I was told to like. I never grieved for many deep hurts in my life.

Very slowly now, my mind and my heart are being opened to the pain that I should have grieved back then.

I find it still difficult to cry in front of people because of shame. Even at the beginning of my journey, I was very ashamed to even cry alone and in front of God. I felt God was displeased with my pain and weakness. If I felt myself ready to cry I would suck-it-up. Now, I cannot stop the flood gates from opening and pouring out.

In Matthew 5:4 Jesus states that, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." It is like a blessings from Jesus to everyone who is courageous enough to grieve. God sees grieving as a positive thing. An opportunity for Him to comfort us.

Understanding in my terms, what comfort means to me, is I can weep so very deeply and even rage/lash out in front of God without fear of retribution. All the while.....and here are those words I find difficult to utter, "he loves me" through the pain. Healing then begins and continues.

Grieving is not easy. Down right exhausting at times. Mentally and physically spent. Takes a lot out of me. Grieving is part of the healing process and takes determination in facing the full range of my emotions, as best as I am able at this time, that God has given me. Very hard and painful work. But, God knows the process will produce positive results in the end.

Through the pain, God promises in Isaiah 40:29 that, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

In replenishing my weariness during this time, God does not reject or shame me for my weakness. God can still administer strength and power during my greatest time of need. Amen!

HE WILL QUIET YOU

The picture alone sends me away.....

I have been struggling these past few days.

Sometimes it is hard for us who have been abandoned physically/emotionally, who live in fear, or abused to think God will do the same.

For someone like me who struggles with understanding and accepting love, can find it difficult to believe that God wants to pour out His love on me. That I am just that important to Him.

The Bible states that God comforts and takes joy in His children. He longs to quiet our anxieties. He takes such delight in us and sings for joy! He does this with His love. We need not fear.

In reading a devotional on fear lately, I received comfort as it is explained this way:

The key to understanding is to see that when God says 'do not fear', it is not a simple imperative from an authority figure. The words "do not fear" are spoken as words of comfort. And they are followed by a specific promise of God's presence with us.

God comforts us in the way a loving parent comforts a frightened child. God says to us, "I know that you are afraid; but I also want you to know that I am here with you. I will not leave you. I will give you strength. I will give you help. I will hold you by the hand so that you will not fall".

I know for some of us it is hard to comprehend a 'loving parent' comforting us. I do understand.

Sometimes I wonder at this point, that since I am having trouble receiving His love, may also hinder me not receiving His joy.

As hard as it is for me to accept and feel the love that God offers, the comfort I gain in reading His Word that says He is with me every step of the way, showing me as I walk the day out with Him the things I need to take into my heart and learn, cherish, and apply will get me through the day one step at a time.