RESTLESS

My Spirit is very restless, uneasy, unsettling today.

JUST SHOW UP

The most significant thing I came away with t. this week was if I would just show up for whatever God wants to do with me, then He will do the rest.

No matter what seems to be missing from my life I need to know that God is right now filling my need.

I literally need to take deep breaths. Release them slowly, telling myself quietly and over and over again "Just show up for the appointment and let God do the rest."

Showing up for the appointment means just showing up, waking up in the morning and letting God just be God in my life as I go about my day.

I am still trying at times fighting my freaking battles myself. I continue to analyze and control how things should fall into place with my healing. In essence I am putting God in a box. That is what is hindering my progress and frustrates me.

I need to let God fill my needs. Accept the reality that God's wisdom is ever present and available, ready to fill me with new understanding, light, and life. I need to let God fill and heal every void, every emptiness, every pain that seems to separate me from the desires of my heart that He has placed in me. I need to begin to relax from the strain and the effort of my constant questioning, planning and freaking reasoning. I need to stop trying to do His plan myself. Stop fighting if I am doing the journey correctly.

What I am already experiencing with God, I need to accept. Even if I may not "feel" it or "understand" what is happening. It is truth. That God's love DOES surround me, that He infills me daily with His Holy Spirit. He displays this evidence daily to me. I need to stop analyzing it and just accept what He has given me thus far. And also to expect much much much more as I let Him in!

So........

Putting it plainly and simply once again,

"I just need to show up for the appointment and let God do the rest."

End of story!


This video says what I am trying to.....


Hello Lord, it's me your child. I have
a few things on my mind. Right now I'm
faced with big decisions, and I'm
wondering if you have a minute

CHORUS:
Right now I don't hear so well and I was
wondering if you could speak up. I know
that you tore the veil so I could sit
with you in person and hear what you're
saying, but right now, I just can't hear you

I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt
my own ability to hear what you're saying
and to do the right thing, and I
desperately want to do the right thing

CHORUS

Somewhere in the back of my mind I think
you are telling me to wait, and though
patience has never been mine, Lord
I will wait to hear from you.

CHORUS

MY STRUGGLE HAS AN ENDING DAY

When I listened to this video/music, it captivated me. Especially the one line, which only comes once in the song which says, "My struggle has an ending day."

What a promise of Hope!

I pray for any of you also to hang on to this hope, this promise!

I am clinging onto hope more these days as the intensity of my journey increases. As the Master Surgeon is getting closer to my core of pain. He knows all my broken pieces and what I am going through.

I am not liking this part of my journey at all. Even though I know God is doing a mighty work in me, and I know He is so very close to healing my pain, I am scared still.

Oh, how I wish I could have anesthesia!!



You're in one of those seasons
Everything seems to go so wrong
Wish I could give you a reason
But even I'm barely holding on

When it's hard to find the answers
Let this be your hope

Chorus: God only knows all your broken pieces
Only He knows what you're going through
God only knows what you hide inside
And He's holding onto you
God only knows

You've had your fill of questions
There's so much that you need to know
I don't blame you for asking
But it's time to let go of control

And I'm sorry for what you're feeling
Please hold on to this hope

Chorus: God only knows all your broken pieces
Only He knows what you're going through
God only knows what you hide inside
And He's holding onto you
God only knows

Come on, come on, He knows your pain
Come on, come on, hold onto faith
Come on, come on, you're on your way
My friend, your struggle has an ending day

Only He knows
Only He knows
Only He knows

BREAK DOWN THESE WALLS

Taken from Isaiah 54:4

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated."

Shame causes fear.

When I am fearful, I want to run and hide.

I still have walls erected that need torn down.

I still find myself playing the "acceptance game" with others, comparing myself at times.

I still try to control my pain in order to give the appearance I am okay.

I still, I still, I still......

But, I have, I have, I have......

I have also begun the healing process to the shame I carry. Not an easy process because of the fear and the disbelief that I can be anything but shameful. Nevertheless, sharing my pain not only with God, but others who accept me and not shame me is a BIG step in the right direction. There is strength in His name and He is healing me.

God knows I want to still run and hide. I still have those tendencies. Especially when His emotionally surgically hands dig deeper in my heart to the real core and root of my shame. Oh yes, there it really hurts!

I always envision Him with a big lasso throwing it around me and gently drawing me back to His presence. I want to say drawing me back to His love, but again, if I do not feel it, I do not like saying it.

One day though, one day!

BAPTIZE MY HEART

The Lord is leading me more and more to post videos along with my journaling. I am finding I cannot express all I want to just in the words I type anymore.

There are powerful videos out there that are "right where I am presently." This one especially, "Baptize My Heart," says it all for me now.

I have such a Spiritual battle going on inside me these days. Only because I am becoming stronger in my walk with the Lord towards healing as I am seeking His face.

The devil is trying desperately daily to make me fail. What he throws at me is very painful. He blind sides me a lot of the time with bringing up past emotional pain, i.e. shame.

I am still struggling. But,

Yes, the devil is strong, but Jesus is stronger! "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world." Yes, I suit myself up daily for battle. My kinks in my armor are becoming stronger in my defense. Amen.

Before the devil left me alone most of the time.

But now, I have him shaking in his hooves.

There is only One Safe Place, and that is in the arms of Jesus.

I will not apologize for the length of the video. If the Spirit moves you to watch it in its entirety, then please do.

Lord, Baptize my heart, with Your Fire!!

GOD DOES NOT SHAME US

Keeping on the topic of shame, since that is an area I struggle a lot with, I am learning that God does NOT shame us.

Thank You Lord that You Do Not Shame Me!!

That is so very comforting to know.

Some of us may believe this way that God does shame us.

I know I have falling back into this belief many times.

Growing up in shame, it has been across the board with me that God is even included in my believing that He is ashamed of me.

I mean if God shames us, then what is the purpose of even going on?

We could not even work together with Him on our struggles for fear of having to be perfect.

I have had enough shame put on me in my life.

For the shame that I have carried all these years, of being sexually, verbally abused, feeling worthless and guilty I am beginning to give over to You Lord! It is not mine to own!

I have been emotionally tired most my life carrying unnecessary shame that was not mine to bear in the first place.

My prayer each day is that I accept this truth in my heart more and more. God does NOT shame me, God does NOT cast blame to shame me!

I want to be set free so badly!

Even though it is promised we can have "complete" freedom from all the pain and suffering we have experienced in this world once in Heaven, we can also experience the freedoms here on earth that He wants to set us free from as well!

I like this video!

FREEDOM FROM GUILT AND SHAME

I could not have found a more perfect, very short video, with such a powerful message than the one below that describes exactly what I am experiencing and seeking to accomplish in my journey to freedom from guilt and shame!

I know a lot of you also suffer under condemnation. Even though this is just a video, let it bless you. Let the words minister to your heart. They are simple, but true.

Wow! Amen.

"Lord I claim that the strongholds of shame and guilt be taken away from any who suffer. We give them to You to carry. We also claim that there is no going back! In Jesus' name, amen!"

H.E.L.P.

When I was in denial about my past, I just lived every day by wearing different masks just to survive the memories of past abuse and hurts. Faking life. Covering up my shame, anger, fears, you name it. I gave the impression I had it all together!

But,

No.....I was living "hell."

I was so very miserable, depressed, sad, hopeless, fearful, etc., the lowest I had ever been. I was afraid for myself. I knew I needed to come to terms with my past and face it and be "Real" about my hurts for the first time in my life!

At the same time I realized I could not do this alone.

I needed help.

I needed help in the worst way.

Not just human help.

But God help!

I began seriously crying out to God for His ultimate presence and His divine intervention in my life close to two years ago to help me along my journey to freedom.

I finally was ready.

I finally was broken.

God was waiting patiently for the day to hear the words from my lips, "HELP."

I was powerless to help myself without Him.

As I began trusting Him, He then could begin to help me. He puts the right people in my life to help me along. The more I have been open and willing, the more He has been able and healing. Which continues to this day. Not always an easy task. Pain is pain and can be excruciating at times.

But, He is doing something MIGHTY in me which is worth the pain. I feel I become stronger daily. Little by little I am opening myself up and trusting Him more.

Still trust does not come easy for me and full trust will take time.

One thing I do know, He is very patient.

And knowing that,

He will walk with me at my pace.

GOING DEEPER

I was going through some old papers and I came across a yellowed creased copy of a devotional that I kept in my Bible from 1993. At the time I had "the crazy co-dependent roommate" who threatened me and accused me of doing things I never did living with me for two years.

I remember making the copy of the devotional from "The Search for Significance" book entitled "Going Deeper." This particular devotional dealt with self-worth. Even knew back then I struggled with this stronghold. But, the stronghold to please my roommate at the time was much stronger, because of the fear she instilled in me.

This era was especially painful and frightening for me as I had never been blatantly accused of things constantly I did not do. I let her have so much power over me. A type of mind control, where fear played into it big time. I knew no other way.

I was at one point fearful for my life because of her. I kept on referring to this devotional through this dark period for some kind of comfort.

She was the reason I ended up in t.the first time for a year just to get my mind straight that I was not this evil person she claimed I was. Only by the Grace of God did He intervene.

Anyway, I have always liked what the devotional said. So, I share it with you now:

I don't believe that any of us will gain complete freedom from our propensity to base our self-worth on the approval of others until we see the Lord. Our God-given instinct to survive compels us to avoid pain. Knowing that rejection and disapproval brings pain, we will continue our attempts to win the esteem of others whenever possible. The good news is that because we are fully pleasing to God, we need not be devastated when others respond to us in a negative way.

As we grow in our relationship with God, the Holy Spirit will continue teaching us how to apply this liberating truth to different aspects of our lives at an increasingly deeper level. In fact, one evidence of His work within us is the ability to see new areas of our lives in which we are allowing the opinions of others to determine our sense of worth. With spiritual maturity, we will more often be able to identify these areas and choose to find our significance in God's unconditional love for us and complete acceptance of us. However, profound changes in our value system take honesty, objectivity, and prolonged, persistent application of God's Word.

DEEP ROOT CANAL

My soul desire is to become deeply planted in Christ.

I know He continues to do a deep cleaning in my soul.

I have some pretty deep roots that need to be cleaned out and replaced that have been infected and ignored over the years. Unfortunately, not like root canal, there is no Novocain to deaden the pain during this process. Some times I would welcome a root canal over the cleaning of my inner pain, i.e. shame!

Oh, but if I would ignore my inner pain, it would just become worse and worse with more infection and the pain would always be there no matter what. Sure I could cover it up, which I have done so many years, by wearing so many masks and pretending "I am okay, nothing is wrong with me." But like a ignored root canal, I would always be reminded some how by the intense pain. Where I would feel I was dying inside. Never getting any medication (help) to deaden my emotional turmoil.

So in the devotional below, as God removes the infected roots from our lives, He then can replace them with good soil that can grow healthy and stronger roots in order to flourish!

I encourage any of you today to let God do a root canal on you. It is not going to be easy. There will be times when you will be in intense pain and want to give up and jump out of that chair.

But don't!

I encourage you to wrap your hands around the arm rests of God and hang on tight as He does His deep cleaning on you!

I am still in the process of my root canal.

But, I certainly can tell you that the pain will be worth it in the end.

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love may have power . . .to grasp . . . the love of Christ." Ephesians 3:17

We all have root systems. Roots are life-lines. They seek out and drink in water and nutrients. And they provide stability in times of wind and erosion.

Unfortunately, many of us are rooted in the soil of shame. Roots in this rocky soil become bound. They cannot sustain growth. They are not able to provide nourishment or stability.

Recovery for many of us is like being transplanted. It is the process of allowing God to first pull us out of the parched and rocky soil of shame and to then plant us in the soil of love. In the rich soil of love our fragile roots can finally begin to stretch, grow and take hold. It is a soil in which real nourishment and real stability are possible.

But transplantation is not a simple matter. No matter how gently God pulls us up out of the soil of shame, there will be trauma. And sinking roots in new soil will feel like an unfamiliar and risky adventure.

As our roots sink deeper and deeper in the soil of God's love, however, we will begin to experience growth that never could have been possible in the soil of rejection and shame. We will become 'rooted and established' in love.

My roots are in poor soil, Lord.
They do not nourish.
They provide no stability.
My roots are bound, Lord.
Transplant me.
Give me grace-full soil, Lord.
Sink my roots deeply.
Give me stability.
Nourish me.
In your love.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

WHY DIDN'T I CALL? HUH?

After speaking with my mother since my brother's phone call to me yesterday morning telling me their trip is postponed, ( Read Here) the first thing out of my mother's mouth to me was, "why I did not call her yesterday morning when I found out that their trip was being postponed, when my brother told me to call her?"

I said, "what?"

She repeated again, "why didn't you call me yesterday morning like your brother said you were going to?"

I responded, "no way did I say I was going to call you, it was his responsibility."

She then said, she just got off the phone with him last night, since he called me yesterday morning. I said, "he just called you then?" Her reply was "yes and that he was amazed that she did not know because I was supposedly told to tell her."

Oh this ticked me off, but I kept my cool.

I kept on repeating, "no, I told him to call you."

That is my brother. Scared to death of her. I envision my brother as little as I in these situations as well. Not making excuses for my brother, as he is a damaged product as well. He usually handles his fear of my mother by lying to her or passing blame.

In a way I am glad their conversation went down like this, even though I look like the bad guy.

I stood my ground though.

LITTLE JBR

Had t. tonight.

Talked with little JBR again.

She still has fears,
She still has doubts,
She still has shame,
She still hides,
She desires to be loved,
She still has deep hurts,
She is still too young to understand some things,
and she still has self worth issues.

Processing.....

NOT COMING

Just got off the phone with my brother this morning. They may not be coming Thursday.

My sister-in-law's brother-in-law is dying. Which I knew about. He took a turn for the worst last night. So I just told my brother will do their visit later. But, then again, my brother is not one that can handle people in agony and does not think to support the family during this time, (he thinks of himself) and said that he would come down by himself if need be. (Which he has done in the past and there was no problem)

But, I told him to stay and come down with his wife later on, that she needs his support now as well as her family.

So for now, it looks like they will not come.

He has yet to tell my mother. I told him, it is his responsibly to do so, not mine.

But, we will see, he can change his mind and come down regardless.....

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT

I am getting ready for my brother and sister-in-law's visit this Thursday. Looks like they will be staying with me until Monday.

I so appreciated all the diverse comments to my post when I first mentioned about my brother staying with me. For those of you who are not familiar with my history with him, he sexually abused me when I was around 9-10. He is four years older than I. You can read about this post HERE.

They will be staying with me. God has protected my mind and my emotions with what happened with my brother and I this long, I continue to believe He will do the same.

It has been rough for me to get started to at least have my home presentable for their visit. I know my brother could care less, and some what my sister-in-law too. But still for any of us who live alone, our mess is our mess. We know where we have thrown things, and some things maybe not. Our "stuff" could stay in its thrown place years, until we have to pick it up to make life more desirable for others.

Seems each time they come, I do less and less of straightening up. I think this visit will be the same, if not less. I just do not have the desire.

I think I have gained ground and established this side of independence that now shouts, "you either like it or not," then I hear the haunting guilt from my mother's lips, "oh no, shame on you. You be a good girl and clean your house." Whatever....

This visit of my family will not be easy.

Not be easy in the sense, that when my mother and brother are together, she will undoubtedly remind him of, "how mean I have been," "how I do not care much about her anymore," that "I do not call her," that "I do not spend the time I once did," "what an awful daughter I am," etc. She masters in guilt. She will bring up anything she can about my behavior to them.

She flung guilt trips on me last year when they came. My brother, even though he says he jokes, he sides with her. He is scared of my mother and chimes in and then my sister-in-law does the same.

Last year I ignored them, but took on the tremendous shame and condemnation and was crushed the whole time of their visit.

Asking them to stop, only fueled the flames.

This time I will ignore them again, as.....

I am stronger in believing who I am in Christ.

Their words will still sting.

Oh yes, without a doubt.

Difference this time from last year will be that what they say about me, I know is not truth.

I may have to take myself aside a few times.

Wipe away my tears.

Wrap my arms around me and rock myself.

And remind myself who I am in Christ.

NO CONDEMNATION

Unbelievable timing of this devotional from Joyce Meyer this morning!

God is just toooooo funny at times.

I love how Joyce refers to attacking the lies of Satan by using our "Word Weapon" which is Romans 8:1.

Also I have to constantly remind myself, I am NOT a failure, I am NOT a failure.

My prayer is for any who read the following that you will be stirred and ministered to as I am:

"Therefore, [there is] now no condemnation . . . for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.Romans 8:1

Don't receive condemnation when you have setbacks or bad days. Just get back up, dust yourself off, and start again. When a baby is learning to walk, he falls many, many times before he enjoys confidence in walking. However, one thing in a baby's favor is the fact that, even though he may cry a while after he has fallen, he always gets right back up and tries again.

The devil will try hard to stop you through discouragement and condemnation. When condemnation comes, use your "Word weapon." Quote Romans 8:1, reminding Satan and yourself that you do not walk after the flesh but after the Spirit. Walking after the flesh is depending on yourself; walking after the Spirit is depending on God. When you fail (which you will), that doesn't mean that you are a failure. It simply means that you don't do everything right. We all have to accept the fact that along with strengths we also have weaknesses. Just let Christ be strong in your weaknesses; let Him be your strength on your weak days.

(Joyce Meyer)

COMING OUT OF HIDING

You guys were awesome yesterday when I was having my rant. Thank you all for being there. Your words of experience have been very encouraging. Appreciate all your comments and prayers.

Despite my mother's coldness towards me today and blaming me for her not sleeping well, I am trying not to take on the guilt from yesterday and her pouting from today.

Cannot say it is not easy. I have been having fleeting moments of doubt that I am in the wrong here in setting these boundaries, that I was bad. It is my stinkin' thinkin' that is making me doubt something positive in my life. So, I keep reminding myself that I know for a fact the pain of shame and guilt are not mine to carry. It is NOT mine!!!

So,

As I was reading the Recovery Bible this morning, there is a section called "Coming Out of Hiding" that stirred my Spirit.

Some of us can relate.

The section shares how we have made a life time of hiding! Oh boy, this rings truth to my soul. I am still pushing my door open in order to fully reveal my real self.

I still have some things deep inside that have yet to come out. Only the Holy Spirit can bring upon such a deep cleaning of my pain, and He is doing just that. Will still take time, but freedom is at my grasp......

As our real self is exposed, more and more dirt appears.

Only by allowing God to uncover our deep pain within us will we be able to change from the inside out.

BIBLE READING: Genesis 3:6-13

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Many of us have spent our life in a state of hiding, ashamed of who we are inside. We may hide by living a double life, by using drugs or other addictions to make us feel like someone else, or by self-righteously setting ourselves above others. Step four involves uncovering the things we have been hiding, even from ourselves.

After Adam and Eve disobeyed God, “they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves. . . . Then the LORD God called to the man, ‘Where are you?’ He replied, ‘I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.’” (Genesis 3:7-10). Human beings have been covering up and hiding ever since!

Jesus consistently confronted the religious leaders about their hypocrisy. The word hypocrite describes a person who pretends to have virtues or qualities that he really doesn’t have. One time Jesus said to these leaders, “Hypocrites! For you are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy—full of greed and self-indulgence! . . . First wash the inside of the cup and the dish,and then the outside will become clean, too” (Matthew 23:25-26).

When the real person inside us comes out of hiding, we will have to deal with some dirt! Making this inventory is a good way to “wash the inside”; some of that washing may involve bathing our life with tears. It is only by uncovering the hidden parts of our self that we will be able to change the outer person, including our addictive/compulsive behaviors.

(The Recovery Bible)

LIVID/A BLIND RAGE

I know without a doubt some of you are going to disagree with me on this post, and that is fine. I respect your opinions.

Right now I am so very livid and I need to express this here besides going off earlier!!!

My mother calls me from her cell phone from down stairs of my apartment and in her usual manner says, "Come down I have something for you?"

Never asks are you free to come down or did not even bother to call to let me know she was coming a head of time. She just does what she always does, what ever suits her and I have always obeyed! She could tell over the phone how livid I was.

I hate the feeling that she can come by anytime and just enter my space!!

Ironically not just five minutes before I was asking God to fill me with His presence, I would like to experience His love. Ha Ha!!! Well, that went out the window when she called!!

Yes, we can read into it, that this may have been a test. Well, I certainly did not do well in the moment. Because it is the same dang blasted thing over and over and over again I go through with her.

I do not know how many times I have told her not to buy anything for me anymore. This time, she witnessed my anger head on. I told her she should have called me before hand. She said she did not have the time, she just went shopping and thought she would drop this gift, which I do not care for over my place. Her reply when I took it from her was, "you don't want it?" No I don't want it, and I took it and left in a huff.

I know she was hurt. I will find out later on just how hurt. But, even though I am angry now, I refuse to take on THIS GUILT she constantly throws at me.

I know a lot of you have loving mothers and that is wonderful. But, you need to understand the motive behind my mother's actions:

She is controlling.

She is fearful.

She is going through sick co-dependent withdrawals from me. So am I. But, I have the healthier end for once. She does not see me as often as she once had (because I am calling the shots, or at least trying to) and tries and finds any excuse possible to see me over the weekend. However briefly. She will not respect that I have a life or at least trying to gain one.

Sorry for the rant, but I had to let this out.

I repented before God for my outburst as I was not only yelling at my mother I was yelling at God and using some choice words that I should not have. And yes, even though I DID NOT WANT TO I just got off the phone with my mother and apologized. She is strong as nails. This would have crushed me to death!! She beat me down all these years.

While talking with her again, she did not hear what I was saying. She said, "so I have to make an appointment to come and see you?" Then she went on, like clockwork with what a great sale she got on this item and how much my brother is going to love it as well.

I apologized to her a few times about my outburst only. She did not hear that. She continued to say to me why she has to make an appointment to see me? I kept on telling her I have my own life and if I had some "friends" over it would have been nice regardless if you would just come out and say, am I busy and would you mind coming down stairs and getting something besides just ordering me to come down stairs figuring I have nothing better to do. That she could not grasp!

I ended the conversation as we were getting nowhere with, "again I am sorry." I could tell she was not happy. But, if anything I learned from t. is that, I am not responsible for her happiness.

So, I did pass the second part of the test which was to apologize and not take on her guilt. It is hard. It is taking all that is in me not to feel shame and guilt! I mean all!!! Even feeling guilty before God!

Romans 8:1 have to keep on meditating on.

Sure I could have initially not picked up the phone, but that would have been worse, because she would come up and let herself into my apartment and there I stand.

I have to get a better grip on my response with her though. I literally go into a blind rage. I see nothing else. I have so much pent up anger towards her because now I am accepting that she is invading my life!

Talk about a migraine. (***JBR heads for medicine cabinet now***)

I'm done ranting......

WAIT FOR YOUR RAIN

What I am discovering since my Spirit is more open to let God in, I have been noticing when I am under the anointing, that is where some of my "deep" healing takes place.

Under the anointing, I find I am more emotionally connected to my feelings then ever. I believe this is due to not being totally in control of myself. . . . . . He is.

That being said, I do not resist as much. Grant it, while in the Spirit, I do find I occasionally fight back and forth in my minds thinking of my past emotional pain. But, I think He brings some of these emotional pains to light, in order for me to face them and to let me know simply, "That He Knows and Cares and He Is With Me As We Work On The Pain Together."

If you have time, please listen to this song.

I was especially ministered to by this one part below. I hope it does also to any of you who struggle with shame:

"Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat's dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt's finally covered my shame"



I cannot believe I'm this dirty
I'm ashamed to even ask to be clean
'Cause I can't think of anyone less worthy
I have nothing to offer or to bring

I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace
of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait

I'm not even sure how I got here
Wondered to this darkness from Your light
I still remember walking in the garden with You
Now I'm just stumbling through this night

I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace
of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait

Chorus:

I wait for Your rain to fall
The waves of Your grace wash over me
I wait for Your rain to fall
Strange how forgiveness comes so easily
When I call Your name
And wait for Your rain

Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat's dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt's finally covered my shame

So I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace
of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait

CATASTROPHIZING

I learned a new word yesterday in t., Catastrophizing.

"Catastrophizing is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is."

I suffer from catastrophizing.

A simple thing that would not bother the average person, I can blow out of proportion and have myself so riled up with the worst case scenario.

I function this way many times. These irrational fears have stemmed from my mother and the negative fears that she put on me. Even to this day, she tries. Difference is I see them, but still I fall prey to them at times. My dad did that a lot too, especially when it came to being responsible.

Seeing the worst in things, is another stepping stone the Lord will uncover more and help me work through this kind of pain of fear as well. Boils down to having to trust God. Which is difficult now, but I am working on those trust issues. Trust, Trust, Trust!

One thing though, I can find humor in it when I do catastrophize, as it can be so bazaar of a behavior that I can only laugh.

One time about 15 years ago, I and unfortunately a co-dependent friend and I got the idea to go fly a kite. My irrational fears came about when a jet in the air was passing by some 30,000 feet up and the fear and thought of my poor kite which was up about 25 feet in the air getting tangled in the jet's engines. That is catastrophizing.

I bring that example up, from many to choose, because I recognize how severe this fear has been for me and always makes me laugh.

HE PUT BACK MY SONG

I believe the Lord is doing something mighty in me.

These past few weeks, even though I encountered betrayal of trust,

I see growth in me.

In my thinking.

In whom I can trust.

And in my dependence more of God.

God has also put back into my heart, "song." Meaning, worshiping with my guitar.

There were many years that my song was not there.

Back in the late 80's into the early 90's and even in the year 2000, I was involved in some type of small Women's Bible Study, which I provided the praise and worship time with song/guitar.

Difference being back then was I had not begun my journey to freedom and realness. But, God regardless honored the talent He gave me in providing the worship for these women unto Him.

Sadly back then I was there not for Him first, but for others and my sick people pleasing attitude which was full of "hey look at me." The women may not of known my tendencies, but I sure did, as well as God.

Oh, talk about wearing different masks. I was in "one of my deepest co-dependent relationships" that lasted close to three years.

She and I would attend this Bible Study and at one point the topic of the Study was on seeking approval and co-dependency. How ironic is that? But, do you think I admitted I suffered from this? Ha Ha! NO WAY! That was not me!! Just thinking about this deep co-dependency now sends shivers up my spine.

With that being said.....

I envision myself using the talent that He has given me once again with worship.

Besides worshiping Him alone with "my song," I here and there have been worshiping among other believers once again.

I am praying that God leads me to do His will in this area.

As I journey on to health in my emotions, I am becoming more connected to God. I still have a ways to go with the trust factor, thinking the worst of things and the acceptance of His love.

However, for some reason when I am worshiping and in the Spirit, all that does not matter. At times I feel like a babbling nutcase because I am so much on fire I have no control. Then there are times when I cannot even speak.

Cool!

I am on a different plain.

I am in an different realm.

I am caught up into His presence.

I am apart from my emotionally hurt self.

Now, the ultimate goal is for my emotionally hurt self to continue to become stronger and heal from within the deep core of my pain and then one day merge with my worshiping self.

Now, you tell me,

How awesome will that be!

DARE TO BE MYSELF

I have to constantly revisit this topic of being myself and no one else. This is such a struggle for me. I feel I am really getting to the core of my pain on this one, as I find myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably more now when I find myself battling the every day competition in my mind of others. I am just so very tired of being in competition with others. People pleasing. I am tired of allowing others control of me in order to be liked. I am just so very tired of trying to be someone I am not.

So, my desire is to ask God daily to slay any giants, as David did, in my life that come against the plan of God for me.

My desire is to follow the Spirit!

I want Him to take away the desire to please others and to have my heart only to please Him. Wow, it seem like a tall order for me. A very frightening one as well. Because people pleasing is all I have ever known to survive and gain my self worth from.

But with God anything is possible.

And right now, this stronghold is tearing me a up inside emotionally and I need His divine intervention so very bad!!!!

GOD HELPS THOSE........

Many people think the following is found in the Bible:

"God helps those who help themselves."

It is not.

That saying is attributed to Ben Franklin.

Even I, at one time believed that saying was in the Bible.

Very misleading.

That statement says that I need to do everything "in my power" before approaching God for help. How tiring is that? But, people do that! Yes they do. This statement is so far from truth. I am so glad that I do not believe that way anymore.

Also, that statement implies that we can work out our own salvation. Which we cannot. We are infected by sin. Nothing we can do on our own can help us here. Thankfully, God is the helper of the helpless. Jesus died for us and paid the penalty that we were not able to pay.

I also could not possibly get my life in order FIRST, as messed up as it has been, and then have the presence of mind to go before God and ask for help. This is a lie from Satan.

God's promise is that He helps those who know they cannot help themselves. That is me! That is you! And I need Him desperately daily, this very minute, this very hour, now!

How about you?

God gives grace (favor, blessing) to the humble. 1 Peter 5:5

ABUSER VISIT

I have been thinking about writing this post for a few days now.

Kept on putting it off. I did not want to post about it.

I was going to start yesterday, as the heaviness remained on me, but the previous "uplifting" post over rid that idea.

The Holy Spirit did not forget and decided to wake me up early to do the post now.

Any kind of abuse can leave a long lasting scar. Figuratively and actually.

I know the shame and guilt I feel has impacted my life across the board, whether I am aware of it or not.

I have learned that, shame and guilt can leave me feeling with such a distorted sense of identity. That I know for sure!

I am slowly accepting what had happened to me was not my fault.

But, it is very hard.

Still, I can claim being abused was not my fault, but the shame and guilt is still very prevalent!!

You can tell me over and over and over and I can even tell myself, mouth the words, hear my words out loud over and over and over again that it was NOT my fault that....

my brother sexually abused me,
my father's porno mags. were in plain sight all the time,
my mother physically hit me,
my father emotionally neglected me and belittled me,
my father and mother verbally abused me,
my parents divorced.

So why do I continue to feel such extreme shame????

I have heard people say about being sexually abused, "that they wished they were able to stop what was happening to them."

I have not even gotten to that point where I even question, "I should have done something about what was happening to me."

I have questioned, how I reasoned what was going on with me at the time, and how I dissociated.

But, I cannot even feel the anger or resentment or whatever the hell I am suppose to feel??

I am under the impression a lot of my emotions are still dead.

I know the "head" reason why most of us did not do anything at the time, and that was because we were very fearful, too young, who would have believed us, very shameful, and we trusted the person(s) who was violating us.

Next week my abuser and his wife will be staying with me for a few days. This is our late Christmas visit. We do this every year.

I have no problem with them staying with me.

The few people I shared this with in the past, who know my story, are aghast and amazed that I can even have my abuser in the same house as I.

Now, the questions begin.

I feel something is wrong with me.

Am I weird? I feel out of place.

Sure, I look at my brother in a different light since my journey. But, I cannot even get angry at my brother and what he did to me and the effects it had on me with the inability to have intimate relationships.

I mean it is very evident what my brother did to me. I have the memories, not all, but I have them.

I have no problem getting angry about someone else's abuse, but when it comes to mine, I cannot.

Will I ever get to that point of anger?

Will it ever come?

And if it does not, is that okay?

Can I heal without the proper anger distributed?

Or will I be in denial?

Am I subconsciously still blaming myself?

Is my pain so deep and so long ago that it will take time to surface?

Am I still scared to face whatever pain I have yet to face?

BASKING

I wanted to put this post up before I crash. A good crash.

I have been on fire with the Lord literally the last three to four hours and I am exhausted. Have not felt this way in years. Only difference now, even though God honored what I was feeling in years past, is this time around I am experiencing His healing not in denial but letting Him heal me.

I have experienced the beginning of the Lord "truly" healing my heart.

I still struggle with accepting God's love, totally letting go, fear, shame, guilt and trust. Oh that trust! But, at least it is a start.

I have a lot of painful uncertainties coming up in the next couple of weeks. I will discuss further in my next post, one having to deal with my brother which I feel I need to discuss as some things are troubling me.

But, for now, I am going to take this post and run with it and enjoy the remaining of me basking in His presence before I crash.

PEOPLE STRUGGLES

I originally posted this post this morning then took it off. I just did not feel comfortable with it.

My Spirit is very unsettled.

I am very agitated and angry.

I felt the need to repost this post again. Don't know why?

All who commented earlier, sorry your comments will not be visible.

If you care to comment again, that would be fine.

I am just not in a good place at the moment.

__________________________

God just confirmed more to me yesterday how "I can and have been used" by someone who I thought I was more than just that.

I am learning NOT to share anything "personally" real deep anymore with this person.

Even though it is hard to trust God at times, at the same time, the Lord has been preparing my heart for the next stage, so I will not be "totally" devastated as before.

Not saying it still does not hurt, because it sure the hell does when being used or betrayed.

Deeply it hurts.

I do not want to fall back in my old ways of just clamming up. Part of my recovery is to be more real, and not fake as once before. I guess, through trial and error, my discerning skills continue to be sharpen who I can trust and who I cannot. Still, I am human and people are good fakers..... I was one, so I should know.

Seems trust issues is all I have been going through these past couple of weeks.

And I am really tired both mentally and physically......

ME, SONGS, PHOTOS

On Tuesday, I did my devotional and sang and played Revelation Song on my new guitar at work as planned.

I was more nervous this time than ever before. Felt the powers of the enemy attack me beforehand with feelings of unworthiness, that I should NOT be be doing this song because of the way I have been feeling lately and acting lately. Condemning me all the way.

Despite feeling so far away from God, being angry at Him at times recently, and just being real before Him.......He still showed up. Something about the Holy Spirit, He always follows me no matter what I am going through....His Spirit still entered the room. Nothing keeps Him back when His children are praising Him. He can use you no matter how you are feeling. He sees your heart despite your pain and anger.

I also did not expect the response I received from my co-workers after.

Had a full house of over 45 people including the president of the company. Before playing the song, I spoke a bit about what the song is based on, Revelation 8, and the writer of the song tells of her 10 year prayer for the song. She asked the Holy Spirit to help her write a song that painted Him; a song that the angels and creation were already singing, so that we could join in with One Voice, as One Bride to One King.

After wards, I was bombarded with one-on-one responses from some of my co-workers plus in-house emails saying how the song blessed and touched their hearts.

Not everyone is a strong Christian where I work. The ones that did respond who are weaker in faith with such heartfelt sincerity, I knew only the Holy Spirit could touch them the way He did. His touching of others, encouraged me as well.

I did not get such a response from the past times I did a song. Well, for one thing it was not Revelation Song. That song does something to people. I know it does to me. I just barely got through it. Only God!

Also below are three one minute renditions each I recorded from my computer of me singing and playing "Revelation Song," one being just an instrumental and "Breathe."

The sound quality is not good, very tinny, in mono and you may have to download a plug-in. All depends on your computer. But, you get some idea what it sounded like.

REVELATION SONG

REVELATION SONG-instrumental

BREATHE


My new guitar.


Me at home with my new baby.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

Wilderness Wandering.

I have been in an extreme wilderness since last Monday.

Bringing me closer to Christ than ever before.

I am weary.

I had a lot of emotionally painful attacks happen to me last week up to the present. One right after another. Dealing from trust issues to being used and feeling condemned.

I am tired of people saying they are my friend one minute giving me advice then blow me off and condemn me the next. All the while believing they are helping me by saying what they are saying to me. When in essence, they have no clue to what they are saying is detrimental to me. I thought at least they would have some sense in their head since they have been down this same road before me. But no. Where is the sensitivity?? There is none!! Some times I wonder if it is simpler to just lie when asked if everything is okay and say, "yes?"

I am tired of fakeyness. Ugh, despise it. Despise it so much, because I was that way once!

And I am tired of myself reacting the same way that I do every time I get hurt.

I know we live in a broken world with broken people. I do realize this.

The turn of events (if you read my posts from last week) had set me up for this extreme wilderness wandering. I have never felt so emotionally weak and vulnerable in my life before. And at the same time, I have never felt so strong. Weird.

If there ever was a time that I did not want to be around anyone, this was it. I wanted to be left alone.

But, I also wanted to be loved!

Oh, how I long to feel loved!

I am so freaking tired struggling with my lack of self worth, not liking myself. I want to feel confident in just being me. Only me. And not to have to compare myself with anyone else.

I JUST WANT TO BE ME and be happy!

I have been on my knees crying out to God and digging deep within my Spirit. Such anguish came forth at times from deep within me. Sometimes I caught myself thinking how easy it would be just to die. Not saying I would do it. But, if you are honest, I am sure a lot of you can relate whether being physically in pain or emotionally in pain for a period of time, death would be welcomed.

A few times I got angry at God! Yelling at Him as to "why do I have to go through the pain? I had no control over my past. It was not my fault."

I wanted so much to numb my pain. Cutting, drinking or drugging have never been my way of anaesthetising. Sure, I could have drank, but I really did not feel like throwing up for a day after wards and what would that have proved? My way of dealing with my pain has always been to internalize and isolate. Have been "mind-walking" a lot as I have so much going on and building up inside of me, I have to get out and walk, walk, walk.

The extreme pain of loneliness that I experience is not that per sey. It is the "not being able" at this point of being content with "just myself." To be happy with me in the moment.

Right now, I cannot like myself alone.

I have to have others to like me to "feel" complete, on my terms.

I constantly question my emotions. What I am feeling, is it the "real me" or is it a "product of me?"

That is where the struggle is.

And this is where the Lord and I are determined to change it!

God I need You so much now!!

I admit I am very needy now!!

This past week there were some very harsh realities the Lord showed me during my deepest painful hours. Reminding me that my process to healing will have to take time. I did not get here over night. I have many years of warped thinking that needs adjusting.

He also impressed upon me, that I have become a little stronger each time I go through pain and deal with it. Even though it may look like a 'set-back' to me, a failure, it is not.

I have earnestly been seeking the Lord to show me with clarity one of my major strongholds in my life that hinders me from moving forward in my journey. A stronghold that evolved from my past abuse where I lost my own identity and would rather have it in other people. There is such a stronghold on my life in this area of who I am in Christ and that I am uniquely made. I cannot tell you how emotionally painful it has been over the years with a constant thinking pattern of desiring to be someone else and then "trying" to be someone else instead of what God had intended me to be. (Underlying issues of shame and guilt)

Some of you may relate. My desire to literally be someone else melted into me and overtook the real me so very long ago. Really, only those who can truly relate to me in this area, know how very painful and debilitating it is day in and day out living as someone else, that we were not intended to be, and then when we are blocked or hurt by whom we are trying to live like, that is even more painful and a whole different story.

While in my wilderness, I found that even watching television was painful at times. Seeing story lines on human relationships and contact just hurts me now. Sadly, Animal Planet was about all I could handle for a time.

Besides, t., I have been continually talking to myself repeating, I am worthy, I am uniquely made, I have a purpose and reciting Roman 8:1 over and over again, along with digging deep in the Word of God. The Recovery Bible, which I refer to a lot, has ministered to me as there are a lot of good insights into emotional pain. Below is just a sample:

"How many times have we wished that we could be someone else? Perhaps one reason we act out our addiction is that we hate our self. Self-hatred is often associated with an addictive/compulsive personality. If we don't like who we are and feel helpless to change, we can be reassured in knowing that God has the power to change us dramatically." The Recovery Bible, page 1449.