HOLDING ON

Thank you all for your comments of encouragement.

I am ok.

Just sorting through things.

PAINFUL/SCARY TIME IN THERAPY

Little JBR was brought back to a very painful and scary time in t. today. I'm right now here, and trying to process and to realize how much of what I did as an adult was not my fault. And that big JBR needs to let me go and forgive me.

SEX

****May Trigger****
The enemy and my past of being sexually abused has been playing havoc on my mind heavily these past couple of weeks more than ever. Really burdensome.

It is interesting though that I had that brief "vision" which I believe was from the Lord the other day, to show me just how much Satan is holding captive my memories. Especially in the area of sex. I know sex and death are two of Satan's favorite play grounds. Anything that steals our joy really.

A constant reminder, but more prevalent these days to me is the reoccurring thoughts of "I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex."

Right now I am just so fearful in this area. Fear of getting hurt, being overpowered, not being able to relate, fear of not being able to satisfy. I only know what the abuse brought on, not pleasure but fear along with misconceptions on sex being the main focal point of a relationship. Also, who would even be interested in me? Some types of men scare me just looking at them. Do not trust men. Just thinking about sex scares me and at the same time grieves me terribly because of the fear and what was intended for good, I missed out because of the abuse at such a young age and being exposed to porno! Then having the screwed up mind set of feeling guilty and the burning shame. God is working with me on the shame.

I guess as I am allowing (trusting Him at least a bit more) the Lord to move in with my "deep cleaning" towards healing, He is then revealing more deeper core issues that I need to see and deal with .

I do not know where I am going with this, but it is where I am at right now.

APPEALING TO LITTLE JBR

My t. suggested another book for me to read which would minister easier to my little JBR than The Velveteen Woman called "Hinds' Feet On High Places" by Hannah Hurnard.

I am finding out by reading, and reading the book out loud, as that helps my attention span and to stay focus, that this book does indeed appeal to my little JBR.

Since I am in the early stages of reading, I will share what the back cover says for now:

"Hinds' Feet on High Places is one of Hannah Hurnard's best known and best loved books: a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God's children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. Learn how Much-Afraid overcomes her tormenting fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. There she gains a new name and returns to her valley of service, transformed by her union with the loving Shepherd."

Little JBR is excited to read this book.

To see how much a loving Shepherd loves and cares which in turn can be applied to little JBR. That the loving Shepherd will touch the deep pain of little JBR's heart and bring her forth into healing and freedom one day soon!

SOMETHING AWESOME AND SCARY

I woke up this morning with such clarity as to the amazing stronghold that encompasses my mind. Not to say I am seeing visions, no. But for a brief second I saw into the spiritual realm of evil talons holding onto my memories.

Never had that happen before!

I was NOT going to post about this, for fear you all may think I am loony. But, loony or not, I have.

In receiving confirmation this afternoon with an "unction" or "check" in my Spirit that there is such a tremendous spiritual battle going on within my mind as I am getting closer to breaking off the chains of bondage, I needed to confess what I am experiencing.

A bit scary and awesome at the same time. As I have no control over what is happening. But, I know there is an evil spiritual realm, and for some reason, I am being allowed to see into it ever so briefly. And thank God it is only briefly. I do not think I could handle in seeing what actually is going on in the spiritual realm. Physically and emotionally I can sense it, but to see it. Wo----

I am contributing what is happening to me more and more after my Sonday deep cleanings with the Lord. He is doing something in me powerful!! Yesterday, was especially powerful, I must add.

So.......

LORD, HEAL MY MIND!!

FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE

The devotional is such an important reminder to me, as I struggle terribly with believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. I have such a hard time believing that I am worthy enough to be accepted by God, and that everyone else in my eyes are so much better than I.

I grew up in a house hold of fear, depression, criticism, anger, guilt, neglect and shame.

Lord help me to soak in just how much you think I am unique. Lord continue to help me to get my self worth and value from You alone! Lord let me not seek the applause of others. God help me to live for an audience of only one!

Lord help others to see this as well who struggle with low self esteem issues:

************************************************************

" I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

We are God's creation. God made us. And what God makes is wonderful.

This may sound pretty obvious, but we probably need to remind ourselves that it is not everything-and-everybody-except-me that is wonderfully made. It is everything-and-everybody-including-me that is fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

When we have learned to see ourselves as people without value, when we have internalized contempt as the basis for our personal identity, it is difficult to
see ourselves as one of God's wonderful works.

But you are one of God's wonderful works. You are precious to God. You are a unique, irreplaceable expression of God's creative love.

It is good to praise God for making us. It is good to see ourselves as a reason for thanksgiving and awe. God made our minds, our emotions, our needs, our bodies, our creativity, our longings, our hopes. God is a marvelous creator who made us wonderfully.

You are one of God's wonderful works. You can praise God that he made you wonderfully.

Thank you,
Creator God,
that you made me.
and that all that you make is wonderful
including me.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

PRAY ME HOME

I had not had many meaningful relationships in my life. One in particular was extremely painful after it was over with.

During this dark time, which I went off in true "la-la land" fashion afterward just in order to cope with the pain, I still found myself always turning to a song to help me through my pain. I had no one else to turn to. I had no friends. Even if I did have someone to share with, I would have been to ashamed to. I do not even know how I managed to have a relationship, as that person was all I had in my life, and once gone, I had no one.

Sure, I cried out to God daily to take away the pain. I shutter when I think of the three years of hell I went through all by myself trying to recover from the shame and guilt of a very sick relationship.

"Pray Me Home" by Phillips Craig and Dean was very popular at the time. Song is mainly for the body of Christ to pray for one another for a breakthrough when one is suffering. Also, for our military at the time and even today, to pray them home safely.

But, this song took on a whole different meaning for me.

Since I had no one to share my pain with I personally asked God to "pray me home" period.

I wanted to die. I wanted to end my life. He knew how much I was hurting so terribly. I did not care, I just wanted out! My pain consumed me day in and day out.

My heart was truly heavy and the depression I was experiencing was unbearable.

Those years were such a painful blur to me. One day led right into the next. Only by the Grace of God was I able to get through them somehow. The emotional pain eventually died down after three years.

Although, evidence to this day still remains that I struggle from that relationship with feelings of shame and guilt that still needs to be addressed.

All part of my journey and of the Holy Spirit revealing these issues that need healing.

Well it's been one of those days.
When the mountain I am facing
seems to high to climb.
And I try to have faith.
But sometimes the waiting
drives me out of my mind.

So brother to brother I come to you with this small request.
Is there room for another weary solider who needs a place to rest.

Pray me home. Pray me home.
For my heart is so heavy and I just can't go on.

Pray me home. Pray me home.
I need you to help me don't think I can make it alone.
Pray me home. Pray me home.

If you see something in me that cause you to question if my faith is secure.
I'm asking you please, show me compassion even though you are not sure.
Cause the greater the war that I'm going through the greater my need.
And I want nothing more than to know you're willing to join me on my knees.

(I especially love the violins)

DIFFICULT

Lately I am finding it difficult "just being" and "showing up" like I said and letting God do His healing in me.

In my heart, I still hold on to that I have to earn God's love and approval to be accepted and worthy. People and circumstances can still bring on extreme shame. This makes me very sad that I continue to think this way.

I am going through a very difficult time right now. Hard for me to be even motivated to blog.

A lot of my feelings have been dead so long. Walls still remain up that have to come down around my heart.

At times want to give up and quit.

Have been thinking this past week about trying to begin to read The Velveteen Woman my t. gave me well over a year ago. At the time I was not ready to read the book. I still do not know if I am.

But, before picking up the book, last Thursday, I prayed to God however long it takes me to get through this book, and if need be, read it again, that I do not rush the process.

"Rushing" has been my M.O. all my life basically with everything. Rushing through projects, reading, driving, talking, walking, thinking, journey etc. I just wanted to get whatever over with quickly! Never giving my best or enjoying the results. I have not cared.

I have held onto so much anger, resentment, bitterness to this day because I was always "told" to do things, instead of "asked." Then shamed and made to feel guilty if I did not. Both my parents have been experts in this area. Then all the above emotions just festered inside of me for so many years. My mother would say to slow down that I was too fast and then I never did whatever correctly to begin with. My dad was not patient with me. He wanted me to understand the first time he explained something to me. Which made me feel inadequate and stupid when he would become disappointed in me.

So, as I began reading The Velveteen Woman, trying not to rush through the chapters, I would find myself two pages further ahead, wondering how I got there?

Having no clue what I just read. My mind goes off and wanders. So, there I go and re-read those pages again over and over in order to comprehend what I am reading. Unfortunately this is going to be a slow continuous occurrence.

The key word here is, "comprehending." Although I am understanding what I am reading, it is only reaching my mind.

If comprehending is all I am capable of doing now, then so be it.

TAKE ME ALL THE WAY

This video hurts so bad in desiring what I want!

Lord I cry out desperately to You now!!

Lord Take Me All The Way!!

Lord let my heart take over my mind!!

Lord heal my pain from my earthly father's neglect that I stuffed for so long!!

Lord help me to connect to this pain and hurt!!

Let Your love of passion consume me!!

Your child wants to feel You!!!

Lord I do not know what love is!!!

Please, let me know what love is!!!!

MY BIRD DIED

My precious parakeet, Chipperett, who would of been seven years at the end of the month, died last night. I cannot tell you how very sad and heartbroken I am. She woke me up with her cries and when I got to her cage she was already gone. Zeb, my cockatiel of 21 years, who became her best friend was flying around calling her and looking for her and continues to do it this morning. It will take him time. He did the same thing when he lost his mate three years ago. And this grieves me that he is suffering as well.



I remember reading about this in the newspaper a while back with these images. It is so true. I contest to that as Zeb continues to fly back and forth this morning and calling for her.

Out of all my birds, he was the only one that I was not able to train. So, he does not come to me on his own. I have been sitting with him since early this morning and can approach him and talk to him. Poor thing, he is going crazy searching for his girl.

SELF-CARE

The topic of my health was brought up in today's t. session. I know for a fact, I could eat a whole lot better and feel a whole lot better. Only God and I know how painful at times I can feel physically. I am one that has a high tolerance for pain and I rarely complain how bad I feel, or just minimize the pain.

Right now the "self-care bit" is hard for me to accept.

Although I am beginning to change a few of my eating habits. Trying to cut out the comfort foods, especially chocolate. (Those dark chocolate Dove bars get me into trouble every time.) I really never had a problem with chocolate until of late since on my journey. I do not even like ice cream. Sometimes it is easier to eat poorly and not care because of my poor self image.

So, for the past couple of days, I have been trying to substitute the chocolate cravings with, of all things, shredded wheat. Yup those shredded wheat things that look like a bail of hay. Them big guys. Not the checkered stuff.

Also, getting back to a regular routine of walking. Which I loved to do.

The above it not even the hard part. The really hard part is wanting to change my poor eating habits for the right reasons, which is I want to do it for "me." That I am worth the change. That is the tough part. "Yes Lord grant me Your calm, grace and gentleness with myself."

So, with all that being said, I need prayer!

I recalled sharing a prayer, I believe a while back on my blog. I am reintroducing it here again for anyone else who needs a touch from the Lord and a reminder as I do:


"Lord, I thank you for the time I have available to me when I am feeling lousy which otherwise I would be using differently. Give me fresh hope, new vision, a knowledge of your great love for me, and a real awareness that you will heal me in Your own way and time. Show me everything which I am able to do today to help my body to become well again. If that means absolute rest, grant me patience to fulfill this task. I need Your strength to carry me through this phase of my life. Thank you that I am never alone, and please grant me Your calm, grace and gentleness with myself at this time. Amen."

HOW SERIOUS ARE YOU?

How serious are you to becoming well?

To receive help?

To walk through your journey however painful?

Those were questions I posed to myself. Many times having to remind myself over and over again, "am I serious on my walk?" Knowing my tendencies when things get too emotionally painful, I want to quit. Reliving painful memories is not pleasant.

I had to truly come to a place of being so tired of my past of shame, guilt condemnation, sadness, etc. and want so desperately to seek freedom.

Some people use the excuse of their problems to draw attention to themselves. I have seen this, I have even been this. They are not really serious at all in getting well. Only to say, "hey look at me." "Poor me, I cannot do this."

Jesus posed the question to the man who for 38 years was suffering with a disorder "How serious do you want to get well?"

This is also the question from the Lord to us, "How serious do you want to get well?"

"There was a certain man there who had suffered with a deep-seated and lingering disorder for thirty-eight years. When Jesus noticed him lying there [helpless], knowing that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, Do you want to become well? [Are you really in earnest about getting well?]" —John 5:5-6

Isn't this an amazing question for Jesus to ask this poor man who had been sick for thirtyeight long years: "Do you really want to become well?" That is the Lord's question to you as you read these words right now: "Do you really want to become well?" Do you know there are people who really don't want to get well? They just want to talk about their problem. Are you one of those people?

Do you really want to get well or do you just want to talk about your problem?

Sometimes people get addicted to having a problem. It becomes their identity, their life. It defines everything they think and say and do. All their being is centered around it. If you have a "deep-seated and lingering disorder," the Lord wants you to know that it does not have to be the central focal point of your entire existence. He wants you to trust Him and cooperate with Him as He leads you to victory over that problem one step at a time. Don't try to use your problem as a means of getting attention or sympathy or pity.

When I used to complain to my husband, he would tell me, "Joyce, I'm not going to feel sorry for you." "I'm not trying to get you to feel sorry for me,"I would protest. "Yes, you are," he would say. "And I'm not going to do it, because if I do, you will never get over your problems." That used to make me so mad I could have beaten him to a pulp. We get angry at those who tell us the truth. And the truth is that before we can get well, we must really want to be well—body, soul, and spirit. We must want to enough that we are willing to hear and accept truth.

Each of us must learn to follow God's personal plan for us. Whatever our problem may be, God has promised to meet our need and to repay us for our loss. Facing truth is the key to unlocking prison doors that may have held us in bondage.

(Joyce Meyer)

NAME CHANGE

As of late I have been thinking, once I break through or come closer to my "freedom goal," I thought about changing my Blog's name to "Joyfully Being Real." Keeping the same initials. However long it takes to get there with the joy part.

Right now I am "Just Be Real," which when I initially started my journey and then my blog being real was all I was searching for. Being real in my pain. Being real in my denial. Being real all over the place.

I was not only tired of lying to myself and putting on masks, but I became aware of other people doing the same. I longed to "Just Be Real." I also longed for others to "Just Be Real" as well.

Just being real has brought me closer to the real me and to God. Wearing masks in the past had become too easy for me to cover up my pain. I still find myself on occasion going back to my old ways, but quicker to notice and quicker to ask myself to become real once again.

I have also noticed, but correct me if I am wrong, there has been a decline in visitors to blogs. I have noticed in mine. How about you?

Sure, people come and go.

At the beginning when I first started my journey I was at the early stages so my blog and journey attracted people that could relate then with the emotional pain I was experiencing.

Now, that I am more in the healing phase, I notice my blog is attracting new bloggers that can relate presently to the healing phase and the earlier bloggers that I had, some have moved on. Maybe the deep content of my blog at times may have triggered something in their own lives they they were just not ready to deal with yet.

HEALING BEGINS

I woke up to this song playing on my radio.

WoW!

What prevented me initially from facing my fears is letting my secrets out. That I was sexually abused by my brother. That my thoughts were so impure. That I felt such tremendous shame I must be this awful person. Hated myself. Having such a poor self image of myself, I certainly did not need reassurance that I was a nobody if I shared my hurts and deep pains. So, I kept quiet for so many years living in my own private hell wearing so many masks to cover up my agony.

I share this song for any out there who are just starting or thinking about starting their journey into freedom!

It will not be an easy road. I am still on my road, but so much closer to the entrance of freedom's door.

So, I encourage you to take the big step.

If trust is a factor, I certainly do understand. But, you have to come to a place within yourself where you are going to have to trust someone, if you want help. Where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of living the way you have. You will have to become Real.

I still struggle with trust. I struggle with trusting God still. But....

Trusting in God is so important to me. He sets the tone. He brings the people into my life that are good. He also shows me through some trials, some very painful, who I can still trust and who I cannot. He is there to pick me up when I am wailing uncontrollably in emotional pain. Seeking professional, preferably Christian counseling is also recommended.

May this song bless you:

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

RESENTMENT

Lord I ask that you purify my heart.

Yesterday as I spent Mother's Day dinner with my mother it was difficult once again.

I still hold tremendous resentment towards her.

While I was sitting with her taking on her verbal attacks, I thought to myself, "my other siblings have gotten off easy."

After my parents divorced when I was eleven, my then oldest brother who was still alive, he lived alone and did what he pleased and he knew very well how controlling my mother was and did not want any part of it. In fact, he set boundaries.

My other older brother, who abused me, was shielded by living with my father at the time after my parents divorced.

I had no choice in the matter, or was not given a choice, when it came to who I was going to live with. I was too young. My mother swooped me up after she remarried and moved to another state where I was to live with a strange man and her for the next 15 years. And told to "like it."

Lord continue to refine my heart.

Help me to forgive.

GOD HELP ME

I really like this song.

A lot of songs that Rebecca does hits deeply with me. This song is no different.

The first stanza is where I have been for close to two years. Not saying I have completely moved on from stanza one.

No.

Feelings or lack there of are still a big issue for me.

But, I am so much closer to entering into the last stanza then ever before.

From the deep I cry
I am needing change in my life
I have let the cold creep in and lock my ability to feel (deeply)
Just now a shaft of light shot through my soul
Opening up the windows and the doors
Reaching to the corners and my flaws
Showing my need

Chorus:
I'm running out of time to live
Running out of love to give
Running out of life within
God help me
God help me

I don't care who stares
Never want to be where I have been again
Grace has taken over and drawn me in and I am embracing it
'Cause now I see Your light drawing me close
Overwhelming love I don't deserve
But I'll take the hope You bring, You hold it out to me
Without You

FEELINGS WILL EVENTUALLY CATCH UP

It was discovered in Thursday t. session that I always say that "I need to feel" whatever I am experiencing first.

Perfect example as I was sharing with my t. that I have not forgiven myself for past things I have done. I hold on to a lot painful regrets. Resulting in shame that should not be mine.

That "I need to feel forgiven." I cannot feel forgiven until I have "decided" to forgive myself. Same with, "I need to feel the joy of the Lord." I cannot feel the joy until I "decide" to believe that the joy of the Lord is offered to me and I can freely accept it.

We discovered that I have always expected to "feel" first before "deciding."

A perfect major example and probably the only one I can think of that I decided first before the feeling, was....... when I accepted Christ into my life. I did not "feel" first. I made a "decision" to accept Him first. I know the Lord had His hand in that decision, as if I went on my feelings first, I still would be waiting to accept Him.

That is why I as a Child of God have never experienced the fullness of His love, His joy, His peace, His excitement because I have be waiting to "FEEL." And there is no feeling until I decide that I want what is offered!

Boy, this was hard to swallow when the "A-ha" moment came on Thursday.

I was ready to receive this truth though.

I cannot tell you in these past few days how very conscience I have become with my thinking and asking God to fill me with His presence without the feeling first.

It is so unnatural for me.

This is not going to be easy!!

I have never experienced His fullness of love and joy. For those of you who do, I bet it is awesome!

I have my work cut out for me with changing yet another stinkin' thinkin' process that has been with me for a very long time. As all I did was by pass my feelings when faced with emotional trauma growing up. I could not handle what I was going through. That is probably why I am so analytical, stuffed my feelings and emotions all these years and tried to just reason out my hurts.

Now, I have the opportunity to change things around for the better with God's help. Putting "faith" and "deciding first" before feelings will make all the difference.

Will undoubtedly take time.

Nothing I can do about that.

I know I will have days when I will become frustrated in this area, seeking a change right away.

But, just knowing that eventually my feelings will catch up and then I can experience all that He has for me will be worth it!!!

THE COCKROACH and THE FALLEN SPARROW

***MAY TRIGGER***
This past week when I was quiet more or less in the bloggysphere, the Lord was continually working in my heart.

I believe I have become more open to Him these days, and He is revealing to me more and more things I am ready for. Not all pleasant.

Just coming off a great Sonday of worship and intense Holy Spirit healing, things started to change come Monday. That is when I shared in my blog that I had one of the worst emotional days of my journey yet.

Hard to explain what I have been going through. The best is that He was preparing to open me up more emotionally by using a cockroach and a fallen sparrow. What a combination huh?

Monday into Tuesday morning around 2:00 a.m., I was awoken by my 21 year old male cockatiel thrashing in his cage. When I hear this I shudder. As I know it can only be one thing, "A BUG!" A big gross ugly freaking cockroach. Well, at 2:00 in the morning I am in no mood to tackle this thing. But, I did get up and quickly turned a light on in the 'birds' room so he would settle down and went back to bed. Only to be awoken an hour later with my cockatiel once again thrashing in the cage. I then knew that 'BUG' was still around. I drifted back to sleep for a couple more hours when I awoke with a dread knowing I had to at least go in and check on my birds and to see if that "BUG" was anywhere to be found. Hoping it was long gone by now. No such luck.

I stepped into the room normally looking around the cage for the thing, when something caught my eye to look up at the ceiling. AHHHHHHHHHHH----- I screamed. (My neighbors below me probably thought I was being killed). I ran to get the bug spray and proceeded to spray that ugly cockroach a/k/a here in Florida as Palmetto Bugs with wings. That sucker flew from the ceiling after I sprayed it and flew on to me. AHHHHHHHHHHHH----------- (I was waiting any minute for a knock on my door to see if I was okay from down stairs) Without thinking I proceeded to spray myself with bug spray! Then the bugger falls to the floor and scurries down the hall, me chasing behind spraying it all the way and pleading for it not to make an immediate left into my bedroom. It did not. But it decided to go out into my dining area and die.

As much as I hate these Palmetto Bugs, I really become a basket case knowing that I will have to give it a water burial and pick up the thing in wads and wads of toilet paper, I could not stand for the thing suffering! Watching it kick its legs, knowing it is in agony from the spay. I became so emotionally distraught. I began yelling at it apologizing how very sorry for the pain it was enduring, and crying uncontrollably! I felt such compassion for the ugly diseased critter. I was an emotional wreck and had to pull myself together in order to get ready for work that morning.

Okay, if that was not bad enough.



The following morning, Wednesday, I was waiting at a very long traffic light on my way to work. I was the first in line. Sparrows like to make nests in the traffic lights themselves.

Well out of nowhere, plops down from the nest a baby sparrow landing on the pavement right in front of me. Immediately its parents flew down right by its side trying to get it up. Like they knew danger was soon to happen. It just kept on fluttering.

Again, I started screaming AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--- "God what are you doing to me? Why are you making me witness this pain where I cannot do a thing about the suffering?" I started crying hysterically in my car knowing once the light turned green, cars would be coming right in the path of that fallen sparrow and I Could Not Do A Thing About It, except avoid the baby bird myself and knowing that it WOULD NOT BE ME that would kill it.

I could not stop screaming and saying, "No, No, No, I don't want to see this, why God why?" There was no time to get out and help the bird and it was such a busy intersection I would be putting myself at risk. Sure enough the light turns green, I am the first to go, and I do a big curve to avoid hitting the bird hoping the other cars behind me would catch on to the situation. But, NO! The SUV who was behind me and had not a clue to what was happening and just barreled through the intersection taking the baby bird with it under its wheels. I could not stop crying and yelling to God, "why did you let this happen to me?" I was such an emotional wreck when I arrived at work I had to seek out someone to pray for me and to vent to.

Did you catch that? What I said to God? "God why did you let this happen to me?"

Okay the night before it was the Palmetto Bug dying in front of me and I am all hurting because it is in pain. Then the fallen sparrow which I knew in a matter of seconds would loose its life and I could NOT do a thing about it. Then on Thursday, in t. when we had a "A-ha" moment of realization that I depend on having feelings first before making a decision and always wonder why I do not feel this or that. I will share more of this "A-Ha" moment in another post.

This was not an easy week for me nor an easy post to make. I have just relived the whole pain thing again by typing this post.

Amazing how God used two things, one I really cannot stand, the Palmetto Bug and the other which is dear to me, a bird. Attaining the same results from me which says it all in the paragraph below.

I only tell you all this, to show any of you out there who also suffer similar experiences, these painful instances showed me I was the helpless one. I was the baby sparrow, I was, ugh, the cockroach, when I was being abused, neglected, shamed, made fun of, etc. and I could NOT do a thing about it. Why God had to show me these painful events, I may not fully know. But, I have some idea and that is even though I do not recall pleading out loud when I was being abused, I am sure as all-get-out I was pleading inside my head screaming, no, no, no!

TAPPED OUT

I have been emotionally and physically tapped out these past few days. Comment on many of your blogs I could not even bring myself to, let alone write on my own. Give me time to catch up on your blogs.

I want to thank every single one of you for your encouraging and "loving" comments to me from my previous post. I read every single one of them. You all are very special.

This past week the Lord has been really doing something in me.

A major "A-Ha" moment came about in today's t. session, which I will discuss in another post as I am still processing and a bit fried.

I wanted to at least get this post out so you all did not think I died or something.

BAGGAGE

****MAY TRIGGER****

Mentions suicide and divorce.

This video touched me as I could relate to her pain with keeping everything inside. Hearing the anger and bitterness of my parents voices back and forth when they argued. I heard painful things between my parents, no kid should hear. I did not know how to express my pain to anyone. My school work suffered. Ended up just stuffing my deep hurt and hung on to just myself. I protected myself from any future and further pain entering by isolating and going within myself, not letting anyone close.

The video also has hope and a promising ending.

EMOTIONALLY BAD DAY

Had a really bad day emotionally.

Have not had one of these so intense. Whew.

Was on the verge of tears most of the day. The pain of the memories which brought shame and guilt turned into grief, sorrow, and sadness as these emotions sat right on the edge of my heart today. Waiting for the opportunity to pounce all at once. Like I could feel them as the tears tried to well up. It took all I had in me just to hold it together today. I am exhausted. Emotionally spent.

I just barely made it home from work tonight and the flood gates just opened.

Needed to at least post about what is going on. I need an avenue to express my hurts besides to God who I wonder at times, if He is even listening.

Forgive me, I am battling back and forth with doubt at the moment.

I even knew something was up in my Spirit this morning when I awoke. I was even contemplating calling in and taking a PTO from work.

This deep cleaning from the Lord is obviously working.

Working too well.

Too painfully well.