SONDAY WORSHIP **BREATHE**

In preparation for Sonday worship tomorrow, I decided to feature one of my favorite songs, "Breathe." I showed this particular video over a year ago on my blog. It is one of my favorite versions.

IN THE MIDST OF A DISCREPANCY

From what I can remember of my father showing or sharing affection towards me as a child growing up and even as an adult, was that I would have to be the one that would always have to initiate a response from him.

I really cannot recall my father going out of his way to come over and hug me or even kiss me on the cheek, unless I did it first. I was always thrilled when he accepted my affection. Then I felt special. I felt of worth.

Even after my parents divorce when I would have those far and few opportunities to visit my father during the summer months, he was happy that I had friends to play with. That he did not have to spend a lot of time with me. That I was occupied. He at one time told my mother when I came for a visit, "I do not know what to do with her?" Wow, how encouraging and loving was that statement?

Even as my father laid in a coma back in 1989, for a week after a massive heart attack before dying, I would visit him daily at the hospital. I was numb to any feelings. I could not muster up anything. The years of neglect and lack of proper response to love was not there even on my end now. I had no tears. I had no emotions. Nothing there to give. And certainly nothing there to receive. I could not express a daughter father love that I longed for. I know the man was dying. But, I was so badly damaged emotionally that everything shut down a long time ago. To this day I probably never really grieved my father's death.

The devotional shares on some of the confused notions some of us may of had growing up and believed. I certainly know how hard it is for myself to receive that someone actually cares about me. Let alone for me to even care about myself. But God is slowly breaking into my heart with His love:

Many of us have confused notions about what it means to be loved and cared about.

Many of us were loved and cared for by people who had discrepancies between what they said and did.

We may have had a mother or father who said, "I love you" to us, and then abandoned or neglected us, giving us confused ideas about love. Thus that pattern feels like love - the only love we knew.

Some of us may have been cared for by people who provided for our needs and said they loved us, but simultaneously abused or mistreated us. That, then, becomes our idea of love.

Some of us may have lived in emotionally sterile environments, where people said they loved us, but no feelings or nurturing were available. That may have become our idea of love.

We may learn to love others or ourselves the way we have been loved, or we may let others love us the way we have been loved, whether or not that feels good. It's time to let our needs be met in ways that actually work. Unhealthy love may meet some surface needs, but not our need to be loved.

We can come to expect congruency in behavior from others. We can diminish the impact of words alone and insist that behavior and words match.

We can find the courage, when appropriate, to confront discrepancies in words and actions - not to shame, blame, or find fault, but to help us stay in touch with reality and with our needs.

We can give and receive love where behavior matches one's words. We deserve to receive and give the best that love has to offer.

Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

BE A KID

I need some fun in my life.

These past two weeks have been very trying for me physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Having fun is definitely one of the things I have been lacking in my life. I know I do not have enough of it. Even if it is by myself.

Not that I am this very serious person. No. I just do not think I am even worth it to having fun.

But I WANT to have fun. I want to regain back my childhood. Having fun and not caring about what others think of me. The closest I come to being a kid now-a-days is at times at work. I can be devious and play jokes on people.

Typically "fun" is my personality. I am seeing more and more of it coming out now in my personality. Brings back the memories how I was as a kid. Big JBR is letting the little one come out more and more to play. As a kid I remember finding humor in most every thing. Maybe that is why the majority of friends I had was when I was a kid. I was fun to be around. I was me.

Naturally the bad crap that happened to me as a kid, was not very humorous. I shoved that aside to try and not let it interfere with my fun. But it was hard. Life then became very painful. Shame crushed a lot of my fun. My dad shamed me big time. My mum was close behind him. Fun was hard to come by. Then eventually hard all together.

It has not been easy. Since on my journey I have gone through some painful memories and realities in order to free the walls surrounding my broken heart. The muck at times has been so thick I did not see any way out. But God sees the Big plan. It is taking time. But it will happen one day!

If you desire to have fun like I do, I suggest you just do that. Become a kid again. Take risks. Be daring.

I desire that "my fun" remain with me 24/7 and be able to call upon it at any time. Read the devotional below to inspire you:

Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Enjoy life!

We do not have to be so somber and serious. We do not have to be so reflective, so critical, so bound up within the rigid parameters and ourselves others, and often ourselves, have placed around us.

This is life, not a funeral service. Have some fun with it. Enter into it. Participate. Experiment. Take a risk. Be spontaneous. Do not always be so concerned about doing it right, doing the appropriate thing.

Do not always be so concerned about what others will think or say. What they think and say are their issues not ours. Do not be so afraid of making a mistake. Do not be so fearful and proper. Do not inhibit yourself so much.

God did not intend us to be so inhibited, so restricted, so controlled. These repressive parameters are what other people have imposed on us, what we have allowed to be done to us.

We were created fully human. We were given emotions, desires, hopes, dreams, and feelings. There is an alive, excited, fun loving child in us somewhere! Let it come out! Let it come alive! Let it have some fun - not just for two hours on Saturday evening. Bring it with us. Let it help us enjoy this gift of being alive, being fully human, and being who we are!

So many rules. So much shame we've lived with. It simply isn't necessary. We have been brainwashed. It is time now to free ourselves, let ourselves go, and enter fully human into a full life.

Don't worry. We will learn our lessons when necessary. We have learned discipline. We will not go awry. What will happen is that we will begin enjoying life. We will begin enjoying and experiencing our whole self. We can trust ourselves. We have boundaries now. We have our program for a foundation. We can afford to experiment and experience. We are in touch with our Higher Power and ourselves. We are being guided, but a frozen, inanimate object cannot be guided. it cannot even be moved.

Have some fun. Loosen up a bit. Break a few rules. God won't punish us. We do not have to allow people to punish us. And we can stop punishing ourselves. As long as we're here and alive, let's begin to live.

Today, I will let myself have some fun with life. I will loosen up a bit, knowing I won't crack and break. God, help me let go of my need to be so inhibited, proper, and repressed. Help me inject a big dose of life into myself by letting myself be fully alive and human.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

DEALING WITH A CO-DEPENDENT

Ahhh..... my week continues to get better and better (sarcasm).

Tonight my mother confronted me with not spending enough time with her. She also wanted our telephone conversations to be more meaningful and more lengthy.

Being I am trying to break "my side" of codependency with my mother, she is ramping up "her side" with her fears and panic. She insists I am keeping secrets from her. That when I speak to her I do not give her enough details into my life.

I tried to make light of our conversation tonight and say I would come up with some more things to say. Make things up for her. She did not like that either. She again insisted I am keeping "my life" from her. Yeah "MY LIFE." Well..... yeah I am.

Our conversation ticked me off! Ticked me off because of her forceful nature.

She thew unbelievable guilt trips my way by saying, "I am not the daughter I used to be." Bringing up little notes I used to leave her saying how much I loved her and that she was the best. Over the weekend she showed me a picture of myself and her and said, "this is the daughter I used to know." She "wants" (insists) me to spend more time with her over the weekends. See her more often. She said I am deliberately not interested in her life anymore because I do not open up her emails fast enough or comment about them or just comment to her about life in general. She told me to, "think about how I have been acting these past months and compare how I used to be." It is my fault. Oh man it took all of me to contain myself on that one.

I do realize she is feeling the effects of me breaking away and she is now finally approaching me more sternly. I do realize she is feeling the effects of withdrawals and since she is NOT in counseling, she is reacting typically. So I do hurt for her with that regard only.

Anyway.... I found a devotional below for any of you who also struggle with co-dependent family members. This devotional below may shed some light and be some of a comfort.

I was forty-six years old before I finally admitted to myself and someone else that my grandfather always managed to make me feel guilty, angry, and controlled.
—Anonymous

We may love and care about our family very much. Family members may love and care about us. But interacting with some members may be a real trigger to our codependency - sometimes to a deep abyss of shame, rage, anger, guilt, and helplessness.

It can be difficult to achieve detachment, or an emotional level, with certain family members. It can be difficult to separate their issues from ours. It can be difficult to own our power.

Difficult, but not impossible.

The first step is awareness and acceptance - simple acknowledgment, without guilt, of our feelings and thoughts. We do not have to blame our family members. We do not have to blame or shame ourselves. Acceptance is the goal - acceptance and freedom to choose what we want and need to do to take care of ourselves with that person. We can become free of the patterns of the past. We are recovering. Progress is the goal.

Today, Higher Power, help me be patient with myself as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

RUNNING ON EMPTY

These past couple of weeks I feel I have been running on "E." I am just dragging not only physically but spiritually. I feel I have been beaten down.

I pray what this song shares for myself and any out there who are experiencing the same.

Why am I such a dusty window
For your light to shine through?
Why am I just a tiny star
In a sky already blue?
Why do I offer everything
With my heart closed like a fist?
I want to love You better than this

Why do I live like I'm in chains
When You have set me free?
And why do I have to break Your heart
Before I fall to my knees?
I know it's time to pray for change
Give all I have to give
I want to love You better than this

So renew me
Remake me
Undo me
Unbreak me
Come into the empty spaces
Of my broken places
And consume me
Complete me
Pursue me
Redeem me
Let Your Holy Spirit living through me
Renew me

I need Your power to renew me, Lord, yeah
I need to know You're moving through me, Lord

I need You as my refuge
My first and last resort
Be the river always running
Through my deepest thoughts
Keep me in Your arms
'Cause even when I drift
I want to love You better than this

So renew me
Remake me
Undo me
Unbreak me
Come into the empty spaces
Of my broken places
And consume me
Complete me
Pursue me
Redeem me
Let Your Holy Spirit living through me
Renew me

My life bending to Your will
Seeking You until I'm more and more like You

HITTING THE PAVEMENT

While playing tennis yesterday I ended up twisting my ankle and hitting the hard pavement full force with my body as I went down. I had no clue this was going to happen. I quickly got up feeling no affects at the time. My tennis partner although was concerned. I assured her that I was okay. I felt okay. We continued to play. Little did I know a few hours later how un-okay I really was. The pain settled into all areas of my body. Swollen, cut and bruised in areas that I thought were not affected by hitting the pavement hard. I WILL BE OK.

I only give you this illustration because that is how it is when we are in denial.

I was just like this. We hide our emotional pain. We try and brush it away. Stuff it. Too painful to face. Go on like there is nothing wrong. We seek alternatives to our pain, i.e. drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, isolation, cutting, eating disorders, denial, etc. Only later on in life do we then find out just how hard we have hit the pavement. When things begin to unravel. We cannot understand why we are in so much pain, miserable, bruised and swollen. Our devices are not working for us anymore. That is the time many of us do seek help. But, also many go through life in pain and never tend to their injuries.

DON'T GIVE UP

Recovery is an on-going process. One of my biggest goals is to have my emotions go from my mind to my heart. To connect with my heart. To really be able to feel. I know this process has begun already. I am feeling much more than I did a year ago. But, there are still walls up surrounding my heart. Still fears. Still areas that are too scary to face just yet.

In seeking healing, I need to keep at it with diligence day after day. Being patient (hard hard hard), not rush the process (hard hard hard) caring and being gentle with myself (hard hard hard). Looking forward to that day when I wake up one morning and realize, "Hey, I am comfortable with who I am." Amen:

Keep practicing your recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven't quite taken yet, even if you don't get it yet.

Sometimes it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our mind into our heart and soul. We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors. We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don't feel natural. We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don't believe what we're saying.

We need to do it, and do it, and do it - day after day, year after year.

It is unreasonable to expect this new way of life to sink in overnight. We may have to "act as if" for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.

Even after years, we may find ourselves, in times of stress or duress, reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

We may have layers of feelings we aren't ready to acknowledge until years into our recovery. That's okay! When it's time, we will.

Do not give up! It takes time to get self-love into the core of us. It takes repeated practice. Time and experience. Lessons, lessons, and more lessons.

Then, just when we think we've arrived, we find we have more to learn.

That's the joy of recovery. We get to keep learning and growing all of our life!

Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what. Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time. Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn't feel natural. Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.

One day, it will happen. You will wake up, and find that what you've been struggling with and working so hard at and forcing yourself to do, finally feels comfortable. It has hit our soul.

Then, you go on to learn something new and better.

Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don't feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward. I will work at loving myself until I really do.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

YOU ARE

This song appealed to me the very first time I heard it. That does not happen too often. So, usually that means the music touched me greatly besides the lyrics. Right when I heard the violins I was sold!

This song says it all where I am at.

HEALER

For those of us who are seeking healing in our body and/or our mind, may this song be a blessing and comfort.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

MADE ME GLAD

This has been a really rough week for me.

Ironically enough during this time the song Made Me Glad kept on running through my head. I find the lyrics and the promises they hold so very encouraging and comforting.

So, for my weekend worship song for my blog, I share this song with you all.

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

TRUST IS HARD

This post is more or less a follow up to yesterday regarding my wisdom tooth.

First off, I did not want to frighten any of you into thinking I was dying because I had some kind of infection in the tooth. I mentioned that it was not impacted. The tooth is cracked. The nerve is exposed and extremely sensitive. Hot or cold getting on to the nerve is so unbearably painful. I cannot even eat on that side now. Anyway..... I truly do thank you all for your concern. Will keep you posted "when" I will get the tooth out. Yes, I said, "when" and not "if."

In sharing with my t. today about my fears with the DDS, we discovered that I still do not trust others. That I am NOT allowing myself to be needy. That even in the case of having to have my wisdom tooth pulled, that I am not allowing others to come into my world of pain and help me out. I want to do everything on my own and not ask for help. I do not feel worthy enough to receive help. This is an awful belief. Very hard for me to break away and give up my control and ask for help.

A memory just surfaced and makes sense now. A lot of my lack of neediness I think I learned early on from my earthly father. He was not there for me many times. So I built up this mentality that I do not need anyone (although I was hurting inside for his acceptance). I had to give the appearance I was strong. Do not need help. Or do not even bother trying.

Many times my father crushed me with his words not only as a child but as an adult. He would imply that I should not impose on anyone, how dare I. He shamed me. Even to the point I felt I was imposing on his own life. One time I remember I ended up falling apart. Could not hold it together upon hearing what he said to me. I still remember him talking over me while I was crying. He could of cared less that I was hurting. I felt like a nobody.

This lack of asking for help is a Big Step for me to overcome now.

The devotional below shares on trust and is perfect timing not just for me, but I am sure some of you can benefit from as well.

Trusting other human beings is like planting a garden. First we must choose where to plant - is the soil healthy, is it open to sunlight? We would not plant seeds on rocks that are hard and un-giving. In the same way, we need to choose friends who are trustworthy, who are like rich soil open to planting and sunlight.

Then we need to plant the seeds of time and care. If we share some of our feelings and are welcomed, we will know it is safe to share more. We can share ourselves in our own time - even a garden grows slowly, and can take only so much sun and rain in one day.

Having trust in someone feeds the spirit. Trust also gives us the courage to be beautiful, like the flowers of our gardens.

Am I brave enough to trust others and to be worthy of their trust?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

BREAKING PAINFULLY

It has really been a rough rough week for me!

I hate being weak!

I broke down Sunday night. Crying like a baby. In so much physical pain from a bad tooth that I have been neglecting. If any of you know how bad a tooth ache can feel you know what I am talking about.

I have been believing for a healing, and it got the best of me Sunday night. My faith went down the tubes. My anger and frustration level went sky high that I was not being healed like "I" wanted. I was pissed and hurting and angry at God!! I even asked God to take me home early because of the pain.

I can be unbelievably stubborn. I am NOT GOOD at self care. I would rather die (and that is how it has felt these past few days) then fix something and get it over with by using the skilled people that God has blessed.

Some of you can relate because of our past. I really do not like being touched when it comes to doctors, dentists or any other medical professional. So, I will prolong something until it is absolutely unbearable.

Little JBR is very fearful and only wants her Heavenly Daddy arms around her now! Even that is hard. But she knows He is the only one that can truly comfort her.

A few years back I was told by my DDS then that I waited a bit too long to come in for another tooth problem. He said that I was on the verge of becoming septic. I knew I was not feeling well, in extreme pain and my face blew up so I knew this was serious.

I really do not want a repeat performance.

So...... through my stubborn painful tears I broke down and called my DDS this past Monday. Had my appointment today. As expected the culprit is a wisdom tooth. My DDS suggests I get all my wisdom teeth out in one shot. I DON'T THINK SO! Right now, the tooth is not impacted but the nerve is sooooooo very sensitive I see stars and white flashes as I go through the pain if I bite the wrong way or anything cool gets to it.

Naturally I did not make an appointment yet. I have to do a lot more convincing of myself and more prayer to help me make the next move with the oral surgeon.

I will live with the pain for awhile more......

I can only pray for the rapture to come now....

ACCEPTING GRACE

Normally I do not hold onto devotionals, but post them right away or the next day. This one I received last week. But, for some reason, I did not feel in my spirit to post it. In fact I was thinking to delete it yesterday. Good I did not. Because today a guest speaker at my church talked about God's Grace.

Seems like I have been a spectator most of my life in witnessing how God's Grace touches others. Desiring so much that I too want His Grace as well. I believe His Grace has been poured out on me time and time again, but I think my eyes have been blinded to these blessing in receiving because I could not because of my corrupt belief system.

Now He is letting me see first hand, as I become willing and more open, how He is blessing others with His Grace and with His love. My heart is aching and breaking for the same. A different kind of breaking though.

That is my prayer. Lord today I desire to "accept" Your Grace and Your love. I want my perfectionism, my critical and judgmental spirit to cease. Lord I want to arrive at the point of being totally sold out to You.

Lord I am also praying for a total physical healing in my body from severe pain. I claim this healing in Your precious Son's name. Amen.

"John 1:16: “From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.”

Many of us feel compelled to “do and make everything right” so that others will respect, approve and love us. We have a difficult time accepting love that is unconditional. Our society has honed obsessive perfectionism to a science. Perhaps this is why the entire concept of grace seems so foreign.

I long to understand God’s grace and become a grace-ful person. Grace means considerateness; good will; favor; extra time to meet an obligation — and the unmerited love and favor of God toward us. Grace is characterized by gratitude and joy. As I become a grace-ful person, the judgmental, perfectionistic attitudes shrink. I’m beginning to appropriate the idea of “unmerited favor.”

One thing I know: only God’s grace is perfect. And he offers me “grace upon grace: blessing after blessing.”

Lord, I’ll never perfectly understand grace, but I accept it.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb

CAN YOU COME OUT AND PLAY?

We can all learn to change our lives so the child within each of us can live in balance with the people we have become. We can learn to give the child a voice, let the child play, let the child express needs and fears and pleasures.

We might look at our old baby pictures for a valuable lesson. We will see pictures of ourselves on rocking horses, grinning and waving; pictures of ourselves with our most precious toy - a crude metal car, perhaps; pictures of ourselves rolling in the grass. The lesson we learn is that it doesn't take much to make this child happy - even today.

We keep our own happiness safe inside us to call on whenever we need it, as long as we keep a healthy relationship with the child within. When we nourish the child, we can be assured the child will also nourish us.

What simple thing will make me happy today?

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

I am learning now to let little JBR come out and play once again. But this time with Big JBR. To play nicely.

Little JBR is sharing with Big JBR some things that she had never shared and was just too afraid to. Bad things that happened to her while growing up. Big JBR is learning to listen. Not run away nor judge.

I had to really think back to some pictures that were taken of me as a child to even recall if I was playing with toys. Only thing I can recall is playing with plastic rifles, guns and army men.

I remember I would "self entertain" myself. Even into later life. That is what kept me happy and protected me from painful memories. Also used the technique as a survival method that got me through a lot of emotional pain while growing up. Creating scenarios in my mind. Usually after seeing a television program that interested me in my mind then acting it out and becoming the character. So much so, that it had affected me in 3rd grade. I would not do any school work. The teacher called my parents in as she was concerned. I would just sit all day and doodle the Batman car picture on my paper and other characters. (I loved Batman the series at the time). The series was my escape. I felt powerful and invincible. Hmmmmm.....

I am slowly learning now to have a healthy relationship with my child within. Not always easy. Nope, not at all. But I am willing.....

ABANDONED EMOTIONALLY

Growing up in a home where my emotional needs were not met by my father and too much smothering needs were given by my mother gave me mixed signals. I struggle with believing that I have self worth. Receiving and giving love is hard for me.

The devotional below shares how growing up in our homes around people who could not meet our emotional needs could of affected our belief system about who we really are today.

In my zeal to people please, I have put a lot of pressure on myself. Giving off a fakeyness that was not the real me in order to be accepted. Never liking who I was. Had to be someone else in my mind's eye to be accepted.

Except for my childhood friends, my relationships later on in life were not meaningful. No depth to them. I used people to get my emotional needs met. I was not deep. I was not real. I did not know how to be. I was an out right liar in who I was. All I was out to get was me feeling good at a price that I had to pretend I was someone else than myself. Being the real me was not good enough. Did not care about other people's needs. I was hurting so bad inside to be loved.

With that being said, you can guess where my relationships went. If they were one sided, then they were not relationships and one by one in my life, I saw them disappear. Expecting them not to last. Silently sabotaging them. Blaming myself all the way. Rejection, abandonment, guilt, condemnation all ensued. I believed I was this awful person. Even sinking deeper into my self loathing.

The author shares in the devotional how God can help us overcome our critical self-beating mind sets. That we are capable of love and being loved. It is not easy to turn around something that has been ingrained in our spirit for so many years negatively and turn it around positively. But it can be done with God's help and trusting people to help and share along the way.

I especially like the opening statement:

Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.

Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don't believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact.

While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren't loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn't love us, or love us in ways that worked, that's not our fault. In recovery, we're learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we're learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.

Just as we may have believed that we're unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships. It will improve our most important relationship: our relationship with our self. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve.

Today, God, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating beliefs I have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

SURVIVOR TO OVERCOMER

****MAY TRIGGER****
I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to post this.

Someone needs encouragement besides me.

I believe the hardest and delicate part of my journey to healing has been the sexual abuse from my older brother. The more I have been open to the Holy Spirit in this area, the more He is revealing some deeper issues into my sexuality. He is not rushing this process of healing though.

The extent of damage both emotionally and physically to me has been tremendous.

Emotionally my mind still has trouble wrapping itself fully around the extent of God's wonderful plan for a healthy sex life within the confines of marriage. My idea of love has been compromised. Will I ever be capable of love?

Physically because of the physical pain that my little body endured from the abuse which resulted in the unbelievable fear, confusion and panic later on in life that would rise up in me when I would be in an intimate relationship. Even having a female gynaecologist did not reduce any of my anxieties, fears and pain.

The excerpt below taken from All About Life Challenges (a Christian organization) does share how we as survivors can one day become overcomers. The author also stated the process to healing does take time. Sometimes years. Yeah, did not like hearing that. But worth it in the end! Because of hope in God!

As a sexual abuse survivor, you may be asking, can I really move past just surviving and have a life worth living? The answer is YES! YES you can!

Yes absolutely, survivors of sexual abuse can have hope and healing! However, as a survivor, it does not happen overnight. Sexual abuse causes physiological complications that need to be dealt with.

As a sexual abuse survivor, you have been through a lot. Learning to live as a new creation is like a toddler learning to walk. The toddler takes it one step at a time.

If the need or void is not dealt with proactively, the abuse often survives in the survivor. Shadows of the abuse live on in various forms, because the abuse victim looks for satisfaction in the wrong ways or places. Having never known genuine love, the abuse survivor can only imitate love in return.

Physically, we remain injured and will carry the scars as long as we live. But God promises He is there and will never leave us. "…Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). He is there when our minds recall situations, and when our mind, will, and emotions are in darkness and despair. When we suffer mental anguish and condemnation, God is there.

As sexual abuse survivors, we'll find it difficult to reconcile thoughts and feelings regarding love and acceptance. Because of our past, we'll know feelings that combat, tear, and rip the heart and soul apart. No one should have to experience what we have been through. But there is hope.

Because God sent His Son to die for us (John 3:16), we can know that we have value and worth. As a sexual abuse survivor, this concept is hard to wrap the mind around - but it's necessary if we're going to move from a survivor to an overcomer.

The essence of overcoming is realizing that love and acceptance are essential to our healing. We can't do this on our own - in fact, it's impossible! Matthew 19:26 says, "…With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

The main source of help for those who have been abused sexually as a child is God. An adult recovering from sexual abuse says, "God is the one who ultimately loves and cares for us. He is our rock and our shield; He is our peace in times of trouble. Those of us who are adults recovering from child sexual abuse can remember that God can calm the storm of hurt. He can help us realize it is not our fault. Psalm 121:1-2 has been a help to me: 'I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.'"

LETTING GO OF FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

The type of abandonment that I have felt with my earthly father was that he was never there for me emotionally. He may have been there physically while growing up, but emotionally, no.

I have felt alone most of my life. Struggling to maintain healthy friendships and relationships.

Since being reconnected to my feelings in the last few months, there have been days when I felt that God has not been with me through my pain. He has been quiet. Does He even care that I am hurting? In my own human frailty I would believe this.

But, God has given us the surety that He has not gone away during our dark deepest hours. He is always present. Even when we cannot feel Him. Even when we are angry at Him.

I am learning during those times when I sense God is quiet, those are the times that He is about to reveal something "Big" to me:

"Where are you, God? Where did you go?"

So many people have gone away. We may have felt so alone so much. In the midst of our struggles and lessons, we may wonder if God has gone away too.

There are wondrous days when we feel God's protection and presence, leading and guiding each step and event. There are gray, dry days of spiritual barrenness when we wonder if anything in our life is guided or planned. Wondering if God knows or cares.

Seek quiet times on the gray days. Force discipline and obedience until the answer comes, because it will.

"I have not gone away child. I am here, always. Rest in me, in confidence. All in your life is being guided and planned, each detail. I know, and I care. Things are being worked out as quickly as possible for your highest good. Trust and be grateful. I am right here. Soon you will see, and know."

Today, I will remember that God has not abandoned me. I can trust that God is leading, guiding, directing, and planning in love each detail of my life.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

FACING DENIAL

Over 15 years ago, when I was so very active in my church and so very co-dependent, I recall someone asking me "Did my parents divorce have an affect on me?" I remember at the time answering very quickly, as I was so very shallow and so out of touch with feeling I replied, "No. Should it of?"

I think that was the first time I encountered "someone being real." In return they were waiting for me to be real as well.

I wanted no part of it. I did not understand what "realness" was. I was more than happy wearing different masks in order to gain approval and please people. Would not think of jeopardizing being fake. I never had in my life ever opened up to anyone. As long as I was getting my fix by sucking my emotional needs from a co-dependent relationship, I was in "happy denial." I thought I had no problems. I was just fine.

Facing the lies that we tell ourselves and others in denial is very scary and painful.

I finally had enough of my fakeyness. Two years ago I began looking seriously at myself. I knew I could not go on with the way I was living anymore. I was tired. Emotionally and physically. I was full of anger, sadness, bitterness, shame, resentment, guilt, condemnation, etc. I knew a lot of past abuses, and hurts that I had stuffed were beginning to weigh heavy on my mind and heart now. I needed Help! Much needed Help.

So, in being "real" before God, myself, my t. and my peers, I found out that I do not need to hide behind masks anymore. It is still hard though. I tend to fall back into my old ways, but I am quicker to notice and quicker to set myself straight.

With being "real" and willing, I have given God the opportunity and permission to minister and heal my broken places in my heart.

WATCH OVER ME

Lord, take my frozen heart and awaken it!

Thank you for watching over me and everyone else who reads this blog.

Off to church.

I was lonely
You came waltzing over to me
And Your eyes they saw right through me
And You heard each one of my cries for help
And You came to rescue me

I was broken
Every prayer that I had spoken
Reached Your ears and all my tears weren’t cried in vain
You carried all my pain
And put me back together again

You watch over me in the darkest valleys
You watch over me when the night seems long
You help me to see the way before me
You watch over me; You watch over me

Always faithful
To be leading, at this moment
Interceding for Your children
Though I’ve wandered astray from Your infinite ways
You’ve never left me alone -[to chorus]

Take my frozen heart; awaken me
Never once have You forsaken me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will guide and defend me
You’ll guard and protect me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will lead me home

PERFECTIONISM

Recently I found a good meditation site that is practical and I am sure we all can relate. I certainly can for today's topic about wanting to do EVERYTHING correctly and right. Performance based.

I try and do things right in order to feel accepted. In the work place, around my peers. I may give the impression I have it all together. That I know what I am doing. Only to protect myself from looking stupid in my eyes. In a way being deceitful. Because I am trying to be something and portraying someone I am not.

This perfectionism stems a lot from how I was treated by my parents growing up. Especially my father. He was a hard man to please at times. An absent father emotionally for me. He was very impatient and could not understand why I could not grasp and figure something out right away. Then having a controlling mother who WOULD NOT let me do and learn the simple things in life only because I was not doing it her way and I was doing it too fast. Insisted she do them right in front of me telling me all the while "how it should be done." But, never letting me do it. Two contradicting "extreme" parents. Equaled same result from me....."Trying to be perfect."

On one hand I was told why bother because I would not be doing it right in the first place and then on the other hand, why aren't I doing it right in the first place?

How about you?

"Ezekiel 45:10: “You must have honest scales, an honest dry measurement and an honest liquid measurement” (NCV).

Centuries ago in Judah, it was a common practice to use inaccurate scales and weights in the market place. Although God warned against such business tactics, the people continued to cheat their friends and clients.

Those of us who want to do and make everything right may shake our heads, believing ourselves to be more honest than this. Yet, the very nature of our performance addiction, perfectionism, or people pleasing often evokes dishonesty.

“The promise of perfectionism is basically a lie,” writes Dr. David Stoop, in his book, Living With A Perfectionist. Absolute perfection is not possible in this life, but some of us keep trying. We may lie to make situations and relationships look better, stretch the truth to placate others, hide any evidence our work addiction is harmful, and deny the pain in our hearts.

Admitting that our “perfect” ways may be measured with deceitful scales is difficult. We need God’s patient and powerful intervention to help us change our ineffective methods of working and relating.

Lord, I’m in the process of throwing out
all the inaccurate weights I formerly used.
Please help me not to dig them back out of the trash.

Copyright 2010 Joan C. Webb

LETTING GO OF SHAME

Along with my abusive past which caused shame, the controlling by my mother of me even to this day has shamed me as well.

Shame, guilt and condemnation have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Sad. So much so that even after becoming a Christian shame remained. Certainly I understand why now. That is why I am in t.

I have not experienced the Joy of the Lord that is so freely given to believers because of these aforementioned barriers!

As you have noted lately I have been talking about how much I want to receive the Joy of the Lord!

My t. posed the question yesterday to me, "How much does it mean to me to get the Joy of the Lord?" I know where she was going with that question. I knew what was ahead.

Sure my mind says, "Oh yes, yes, yes I want the joy of the Lord." But my heart, where my emotional pain from my past resides says, "Oh yes....ummm.. . yeah... but...."

As the Holy Spirit would have it, first thing this morning He revealed a plan to me. A plan which I then began implementing tonight as a start to a very dysfunctional controlling issue with my mother and I.

I did not want to go through with this plan today.

No Way!

JBR Scared!!

My mind was very active thinking about the worst case scenario. But, I knew I had to though. In order to at least begin breaking away.

As expected the first stage of the plan was not well received. In fact it certainly did NOT feel good by either of us. Guilt and shame found its way quickly into "the plan" on my part. Anger, hurt, lack of control and confusion I am sure on hers. Still it felt good that I was able to at least step out a little.

I know there will be even more resistance down the road, when I repeat my performance of tonight.

Praying for the strongholds and generational curses to be broken within my family. Not just with my mother but with my brother as well.

I found some excerpts below from Juanita Ryan on how beneficial letting go of shame is that I wanted to share:

Many of us start accumulating shame in childhood. Sometimes the roots of shame involve abuse, neglect or significant trauma. But shame can also be rooted in less intense experiences. Shame can be created if a child is told she is irresponsible or stupid when he spills his milk or brings home grades that don’t meet a parent’s expectations. Rather than being taught how to clean up the spilled milk, or helped in ways that might allow for greater success in school, a kind of character assassination takes place which leaves a child believing terrible things about herself.

Shame can also be formed when a child’s basic needs for secure attachment, nurture and attention are chronically unmet. When our longings for relatedness are not met, the basic human need to love and to be loved can feel shameful to us.

Letting go of shame is important because shame leads only to destructive places. Shame keeps us focused on how bad we feel about ourselves, and thus less aware and open to others. Shame keeps us immobilized because it is based in the belief that we are hopelessly beyond help. Shame pushes us to isolate because we feel too exposed. Shame feels so terrible that it opens the door to rage. We cannot stand to feel so terrible so we lash out at ourselves and we lash out at others.

The good news is that anytime shame surfaces there is an opportunity to experience healing of the experiences and beliefs that have fed the shame.

When hard times come, feelings of shame often surface—feelings of being worthless and unlovable. We can let these feelings go. They do not belong to us. We are valued. We are loved.

CHANGE IS NOT EASY

Change is certainly not easy. Even in your struggles and your pain. You can be set in your ways. You know no other way. The emotional pain has been with you so long, it has become a part of you. Scary thought but true.

When I first seriously began my journey to healing, even though my heart's desire was to change, I knew I was in for a battle. Many times I wanted to quit. Oh did I ever!! I did not want to change because I did not want to face my past. I did not want to feel. I did not know what it was like to feel. I did not like what was drudged up. I started feeling for the first time after so many years of stuffing my emotions of pain down deep deep deep inside of me. I was just a human shell walking among the living. I became very comfortable in my misery.

Change means that I would have to feel again. Become alive! What? Are you serious? Actually feel something. Feel purpose? Something many of us have never experienced. No wonder we are afraid!

But, through my journey I have learned I do not have to stay where I am at. That I have the opportunity to be set free. To have a voice. To be real.

There is hope!

Jesus has come to redeem us. To set us free from bondage. We do not have to live the way we once were. Fear, shame, guilt, condemnation etc. can depart. We can start today by facing our fears. Yes scary scary scary! My journey still at times is scary for me. The uncertainty. I have not arrived to the other side just yet. I still experience many down and depressing days where I want to quit still!

But the more I grow closer to God, the more I am reassured that His intentions are only good. I pray this for you as well:

"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handled down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect." 1 Peter 1:19

Change is not easy. It is a fierce battle. It can be difficult and discouraging.

Change often requires us to challenge the perspectives and rules which have sustained our family system for generations. The ‘empty way of life’ we are attempting to change was handed down from our parents and their parents before them and their parents before them. In a family committed to the ‘don’t talk’ rule, for example, saying even a simple sentence may require overcoming distracting behaviors or other avoidance behaviors which have been refined over hundreds of years!. Talking honestly to a parent or sibling may be breaking family rules that have lasted for generations.

The Good News is that we have been redeemed from the empty way of life handed down by our forefathers. Jesus redeemed us so that we can be free from this kind of bondage. We can learn to talk honestly . We can learn to experience our emotions. We can learn to trust genuinely. We can engage in life. We can love and be loved.

We live in a battle between the empty way of life passed down to us and the new life that has been provided for us. Living in solidarity with our new life in Christ is a daily struggle, but as we practice this way of life we break the vicious cycle of family dysfunction.

Lord, it isn’t just me that I am trying to change.
I am up against generations of dysfunction.
An empty way of life has dominated my family for a long time.
It has been passed down to me.
No wonder it seems so hard to change.
I need your help, Lord.
Help me to find hope in your understanding of my struggle.
Help me to find hope in your gift of redemption.
Amen.

Copyright 2010 Dale and Juanita Ryan

GOD MEANT IT FOR GOOD

I know many of us could argue, "How Could God Have Meant My Abuse for Good?" There is just no way! I am Angry and even Hate God!! Powerful words. But, if you are truthful with yourself, then you know you have felt this at one time or another.

God's initial intention was for you NOT to be abused, hurt, etc. We live in such a broken and fallen world. A very dark place at times.

Regardless, believing that God meant our lives for good is probably one of the hardest things to come to grips with. As we are on our recovery to freedom, the understanding that God has a purpose for us which is good can seem impossible. The many "why" and "where" questions!

Where was God when I was severely beaten day in and day out for no reason just because my dad was having a bad day? Where was God when I continued to be sexually molested, huh? Where was God when my parents were not there for me emotionally? Why God Why? And the biggest why is Why should I trust You God Now?

Joyce Meyer, who writes on this subject below, has personally gone through her own hell and back. Sexually abused by her own father endless times while growing up, she had those same questions and emotions of anger towards God.

Joyce is truly an inspiration to the world of hurting people. She has helped me a lot by her living the truth daily. She is a walking and living miracle of how God has healed her emotionally and set her free. She is a woman of Freedom! Something I want to attain!

You may not want to turn your trust over to God. Understandable. I still struggle in trusting God and receiving His love. You still have the many hurts and wounds that have not been healed from your past. But in all seriousness, when it comes down to it, He is the only one that can heal your pain permanently.

Emotional healing takes time. Just like with a physical wound. It takes time to heal then form a scab. Many of my emotional wounds remained infected and festered over the years. Never gaining the scab to heal properly. That is until I came to the realization since on my journey that I needed the proper antibiotic and now my emotional wounds can and are beginning to heal slowly.

I believe in hope. I believe in a God that can change me.


"Then his brothers went and fell down before him, saying, See, we are your servants (your slaves)! And Joseph said to them, Fear not; for am I in the place of God? [Vengeance is His, not mine.] As for you, you thought evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring about that many people should be kept alive, as they are this day." —Genesis 50:18-20

Whatever may have happened to us in the past, it does not have to dictate our future. Regardless of what people may have tried to do to us, God can take it and turn it for good. We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose (Romans 8:28). Sometimes we forget how big our God is.

Through everything that happened to him, Joseph kept his eyes on God. He didn't sit around and gripe and complain and hold a "pity party." Despite what others—even his own brothers—did to him, he didn't allow himself to be filled with bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. He knew it didn't matter who was against him, because God was for him and would eventually work out everything for the best for all concerned. Joseph knew that whatever happened, God was on his side. He let God build his life, his reputation, and his career.

That is what you and I need to do. We need to put no confidence in the arm of the flesh, but rather trust ourselves entirely to the arm of the Lord.

I WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD!

I so want the Joy of the Lord!!!

Not being able to "feel" the joy rips me up inside. Sometimes to the point of anger. I get on my case about it. Blaming myself that I must be doing something wrong that I cannot feel joy. I missed the mark some how. Then I catch myself. Rebuking what I just said.

My belief system from my past, the abuse, the neglect, the control, the disappointments, the critical spirit, the shelterness, the heartache of a broken family, all did not just happen over night. Took many years to condition my way of stinkin' thinkin.' I lost my joy, my happiness so very long ago. But, now I want something so very bad because.....

I know without a doubt I would feel so much better spiritually, emotionally and physically. At least the sadness and oppression would be lifted.

But, love is part of the other equation to joy and I have a difficult time accepting God's love.

I found this neat song and says exactly what I want!!



I Want The Joy
by Rita Springer

I WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD TO COME DOWN,
I WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD TO FALL NOW;
I WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD IN MY LIFE!

I WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD TO LIFT ME,
I WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD TO CHANGE ME;
WANT THE JOY OF THE LORD IN MY LIFE!

IT'S TIME I STARTED DANCING OVER ALL THESE GRAVES,
IT'S TIME I GAVE YOU OH MY GOD THE HIGHEST PRAISE;

IT'S TIME TO LIFT MY VOICE,
OH AND BEG FOR THIS BLESSING TO FALL

Yes, I believe little JBR it is time to start dancing over all these graves! And Lord "I Beg For This Blessing To Fall Down Upon Me!"

RECLAIM WHAT WAS ONCE LOST

As a child I was curious. Wondered how things ticked, worked. But, I soon learned that being and acting as a child around my earthly father at times was not acceptable.

My earthly dad was a alcoholic. A very impatient and not motivated individual who at times suffered from depression. I see it now. I remember an incident a few years after my parents divorced and I was around 15 visiting him one summer. He just broke up with a girlfriend. He would barely carry on a conversation. He was agitated, would sit and stare a lot. I tried to be a grownup the best I could during this time. I sensed his pain. But I met up against resistance to leave him alone. I felt hurt and once again ignored and not of worth.

Our Heavenly Father does not ignore us. Jesus invites us to change and become like little children. To once again engage in life as we go through our journey to healing. To once again have that curious spirit that was earlier squashed. Jesus wants us set free. To reclaim what was lost so long ago:

"He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I
tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you
will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself
like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:2-4

Children are naturally curious about life. They look at everything, hear everything, want to know about everything. They are ready for growth and responsive to life. But, childhood dies for many people because of neglect, abuse and losses experienced during early vulnerable years. The eagerness and engagement are poisoned. The responsiveness to life yields to fear and shame.

It is possible, however, to reclaim a lost childhood. It is possible to change in ways that allow us to experience the wonder, the awe, the engagement in life that God intended for us in childhood.

God invites us to experience this kind of change. God invites us to become like little children. Children are humble - they have a straightforward honesty about their feelings and needs. This humility makes childlike awe and engagement in life possible. It is a vulnerable, humble thing to be a child. Children get tired and need naps. Children need other people. Children have more questions than answers.

Jesus invites us to change and become like little children. It is an invitation to true humility which leads to spontaneity, curiosity and engagement in life.

Lord, I want to reclaim
the wonder and delight of childhood.
I want to be eager to learn again.
I want to be ready to love and be loved again.
Give me, Lord, the security and safety I need
to be vulnerable and humble.
Help me to be ready for surprises.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

GRIEVING

Before the Lord I still find myself painfully crying deeply on ocassion. Still have issues.

In the past I never used to cry. Would never think of it. Did not think I had a reason to. The emotional pain I had lived with for so many years was so stuffed and under control in my mind. Although I thought.

So, I still cry.

Cry, cry, cry.

Cry for myself. Which I recognize is a good thing now.

Still grieving over the fact I missed out on so much of my life. That I am alone. I know what had happened to me in the past was not my fault. Still, I am finding it difficult getting over this particular hump in the process to healing.

Below is an excellent article on grieving. I pray if you still are grieving your past or currently dealing with grief, this article may help you. You can apply your own personal grief here. It does not have to be a loss of a loved one, as the author shares:

"It doesn't seem like grief would be the kind of thing that would be easy to ignore. But, grief is painful and all of us have an enormous capacity to defend ourselves against pain. As a result, sometimes our losses—and the grief connected with our losses—escape our conscious attention. We can remain oblivious to our need to grieve and ignorant of the impact losses have on our lives—sometimes for extended periods of time. Because our culture minimizes the importance of grieving, going for years without grieving a loss is common. Too often we are consciously or unconsciously encouraged to set our John Wayne-like jaws and ride tearless into the sunset. This happened to me. It took me almost 40 years to begin grieving the death of my father.

For almost four decades I dysfunctioned my way through life without even suspecting that my father's early death was having a powerful effect on the shape of my internal and external worlds. When asked about my parents or specifically about my father I would report—without emotion and without any understanding of the consequence of this event—that he had died when I was almost five. In spite of the fact that his death created a hole in my soul and chasms in my intimate relationships, I simply lived outside of this inescapable reality. I assumed that I was as normal as the next person. I just happened not to have a father. No big deal.

But, it was a big deal. At the time, I was unable to experience the loss. I did not have the support I needed to face the pain. So, I went on in life almost as if nothing had happened. But I was not okay. Even if I seemed fine. Such significant losses have consequences—life molding consequences. When a crisis eventually forced me to dock my life's ship in a therapist's office at age 41, I knew I was sinking. I had no idea that some of the holes in my hull could be attributed to father loss. Ignorance in my case was not blissful. It was devastating. I soon learned that holes below the waterline were sinking my life even if I didn't know they existed. Over time it became clear that I hadn't just lost a father—I'd lost a model for manhood, a pattern for male and female interaction, a guide in life's storms, and the tender love and essential structure which fathers can pass on to sons. It was a long list of losses. All still ungrieved. And all having a powerful effect on my life.

I now believe that the grief work I have done—and continue to do—is the kind of work that is a necessary part of anyone's growth process. Losses ignored shape us—with or without our conscious awareness. The hard work of processing losses in the dark, winding tunnel of grief is painful. But, the alternative is a misshapen life with even more pain.Unfortunately, ungrieved losses always find a way to distort our intimate relationships. The living, creative joy of our souls is blunted by unresolved grief, impacting our capacity to relate freely.

A working definition of grief work which I have found to be helpful over the last decade is: "The process of consciously moving the pain on the inside, through words, to comfort on the outside." This is not, of course, a technical definition but it describes pretty well what the process feels like. The grief process requires soul-searching, talking, listening, and receiving comfort from others. Often our personal awareness of our losses is so blunted by our protective defenses that it is necessary to get help from a skilled listener—a professional counselor—if we are to make progress in our grief. It took several years and two counselors before I really began to connect with the ungrieved grief over the loss of my father. And, just to emphasize the obvious, grief postponed does not become easier. It gets more complicated with time. More entrenched. More entangled with our relationships. It is hard work to grieve old losses. Hard work.

Fortunately, the payoff is significant. Some of my grief over the death of my father has led to pure developmental gold. At the encouragement of my counselor, I arranged to sit down with two of my father's brothers. Uncle Wayne and Uncle Lloyd sensitively walked me through Dad's short life, looking at pictures and reviewing for me never-heard anecdotes from his life. The passion, pride, and love of these brothers was so evident and our mingled tears of grief so powerful! In the process of telling these stories I regained priceless pieces of my lost father. Those sacred moments now shape me as surely as my loss once did. Grief work is often surprising that way. We expect it to only be about loss, but in the process we receive many new gifts and become new people.

Loss, like the uprooting of a plant, separates us from nourishing connection with the soil. The necessary extra attention which is a part of grief work slowly returns the plant to life-sustaining soil. Regaining life is the surprising reward of appropriate grief. I've been surprised by the freedom in my soul and relationships which grieving has made possible.

All of our losses are not the result of someone's death. Significant losses—those requiring a correspondingly intense grief process—are the losses of love and respect we experience in our formative years. A distant or demeaning parent, for example, can create losses as difficult to grieve and as formidable to recover from as the death of a parent.

As you seek out a grief group or counselor—and find a safe and skillful soul in which to confide—I pray that your journey will be filled with all the surprises of one who literally recovers life."

by Dale Wolery

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

DANCING IN HIGH PLACES

I am in the seventh chapter of Hinds Feet on High Places and would like to share the following:

"It is now time for me to leave you. Much-Afraid, he said, and to return to the mountains. Remember, even though you seem to be farther away then ever from the High Places and from me, there is really no distance at all separating us. I can cross the desert sands as swiftly as I can leap from the High Places to the valleys, and whenever you call for me, I shall come. This is the word I now leave with you. Believe it and practice it with joy. My sheep hear my voice and they follow me.

Whenever you are wiling to obey me, Much-Afraid, and to follow the path of my choice, you will always be able to hear and recognize my voice, and when you hear it you must always obey. Remember also that it is always safe to obey my voice, even if it seems to call you to paths which look impossible or even crazy." (p. 79-80)

How the Sheperd (God) only wants the best for us. Obeying and trusting Him in our walk will only produced positive and wonderful results regardless how our thinking may deter us from believing this.

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

HEAR OUR PRAISES

I will be performing this song tomorrow on my guitar during morning devotions. Yep my turn again to do devotions at work.

At first I had trouble with the song. Then it came together and flows very nicely now. Praise God.

Looking forward to sharing this worship song along with a reading from John Eldridge's Waking the Dead.

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

ANESTHESIA

Worship is the anesthesia for the Word of God to then cut us open and dig deep within out hearts.

............................................................................ I Got The Joy!

SHAME LEADS TO FEAR

For many years I did not know what I was dealing with when I "felt" or "thought" I felt I was being embarrassed when certain things happened or things I would be faced with. But, in reality what I was experiencing was "shame."

I could never understand why being embarrassed would make me fearful. Now, I understand. I was not embarrassed but full of shame. Which then lead to fear. Many fears that would hinder my adulthood severely. Being sexually abused again, abandoned, hurt, rejected. You name it. Both my parents were experts at verbally shaming me as well.

A lot of my shame is due to being molested by my brother. And shifting the blame for what happened to me onto myself. There for along with shame, I had guilt and condemnation.

A great description and definition I found in the dictionary on the web on "Toxic Shame" that pertains a lot to me is as follows:

"Toxic shame: describes false, pathological shame, and Bradshaw states that toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with."

But, there is hope. Amen Praise God!

The devotional below shares what shame does to us. But, bringing out into the light the shame, will help with the healing. As painful as it has been for me in facing a lot of my past, I know I am much freer in this area. I still suffer immensly from shame, but I am one step closer to being set free.

God promises NEVER to shame us.

One day my feelings of shame will be replaced with feelings of His love.

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated." Isaiah 54:4

Experiences of shame lead to fear. When shame causes us to be afraid we make extra efforts to protect ourselves against future experiences of shame. We try hard, for example, to look good. We focus on controlling external appearances. We also try hard to anesthetize our feelings because of our fear of shame. We focus on controlling our feelings so that other people won't get to know us. If they did they might discover the shame we are trying to hide. In this way shame traps us in a cycle of fear and emotional numbing and covering up.

But if we hide our shame, it can never be healed. Our shame heals when we reveal our inner being to people who accept us rather than shame us. This is not an easy process for us because we expect to be shamed. We do not expect to be accepted.

What a remarkably grace-full experience it is when God says "you don't need to be afraid, you will not suffer shame." We can open our hearts to God and find acceptance rather than shaming. God sees our fear. God knows that we want to run
and hide. But it is God's desire to heal our deep wound of shame. "You don't have to be afraid," God says to us, "you will not suffer shame or disgrace or humiliation with me."

I have experienced so much shame, Lord.
So much disgrace.
So much humiliation.
Sometimes I want to hide myself from life.
And sometimes I want to numb myself to life.
Sometimes I want to disappear completely.

Thank you for your promise.
It calms my fears and helps me to stop hiding.
It helps me to stop covering up.
Thank you that I can open my heart to you and not suffer shame.
Thank you for the people in my life who accept me and do not shame me.
Protect me, Lord, from shame.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

GOD NEVER WEARS OUT

Early on in my recovery my emotions were so raw so very intense and would last for days even weeks. I did not really have to worry about ranting and raving to people in my life though. I had no one. No husband, no close friend, no friends, no one that would understand. So besides ranting once a week to my t. the rest of the time I would rant and rave to God alone. I thank God that He never grew tired of my ranting and raving back then and even now.

Pour out my heart to God is what I certainly did. He heard a lot from me. A lot of anger. Directly towards myself mostly. I was not holding back. A lot of expletives as well. I am brutal when it comes to blaming and shaming myself. Although I have gotten better, as I see that what had happened to me as a child was NOT my fault. That I was an innocent participant.

God got an earful when I would even spew my anger towards Him. He saw, but certainly was not surprised by, a lot of realness coming from deep within me. I believe that is what God appreciates in us. The transparency. He can work with people who are transparent before Him.

God thank you that You never wear out!

"The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28

There are times during our struggle to heal when our emotions become intense and stay intense for what seems like a very long time. We feel like we rant and rave and weep for hour after hour, day after day. And we worry that the people in our lives who love and support us will grow tired and weary. Will we wear them out? Will they grow tired of the journey?

In those times when we fear the limits of those who love us, we need to remind ourselves that the Everlasting God does not grow tired or weary. We can pour our heart out to God over and over again. We can rage and weep. God listens without hurry or exhaustion. God will not tire of us.

And God understands. Beyond what we can understand or fathom, God sees and knows and understands.

We need to keep talking to the people who support us, but with an appreciation for their limits and boundaries. We also need to talk to God. We can speak our heart freely and fully to our Creator every day, every hour. God will not tire of us.

It sounds silly when I say it, Lord.
but sometimes I worry that I will wear you out.
Or bore you.
But you are Everlasting God.
Creator of the ends of the earth.
You do not grow weary.
Your understanding cannot be fathomed.
You understand.
You do not tire of me.
Thank you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

...................................................................... I Got The Joy!

NOT A SET BACK

As I shared in my previous post, I have been feeling life is mundane and boring recently. In fact, I felt extremely depressed more than normal and thinking I was heading in the opposite direction on my journey. I became discouraged. Thought I was having a set back.

Being reassure in t. today that this was not so.

What is happening to me is that it seems I have reached a new platoe on my journey. The recent feelings of being irritated and bored with my colleagues at work is a new phase to where I am at and where I am heading. Not saying I am any greater than they, but I do not want to remain where they are at. I see myself going beyond. Branching out. But at the same time, I have to ask God to keep me focus at work and not be brought down by the day to day stuff that I seem NOW to struggle with keeping my attention.

Since the moving of the Spirit in me these past few months has centered on my continued healing of my past, I also believe I am being groomed for the next step of my journey. As much as I am itching to bust out, I am scared SILLY to! As I told my t. tonight, "I have never experienced the possibility of my potential." So I do not know what is on the other side, except freedom.

But, I do not want to force whatever God has planned for me. I want my desire to be from God as He put it in me originally. So I will be praying specifically for His leading.

............................................................................ I Got The Joy!

NEW HEART

Waiting for something new and exciting can be torture sometimes. Most times there is a process to go through. Waiting for that cruise to take on the high seas so we have to save some money for a year. That new shiny car we desire. Again some of us having to wait for our funds to grow in order to afford the luxury.

But, we who have been abused in our past there is no luxury. Our journey consist of having to go through the pain to break through to the other side. Does not matter how long you have been on your journey to freedom, you will inevitably still hit some bumpy roads along the way thinking, "I thought I was over that and dealt with what was going on." Only to discover, you were not.

On the heels of my previous post, this devotional states that God promises us a new heart. Hallelujah!

I need to hear and believe this with all my heart. No pun intended.

I have hit one of several bumpy roads. I am anxious in my journey more so now than ever.

These past few days I have been really struggling with depression more than normal and the mundaneness of life. The heaviness has really been a battle for me this week.

I think I want something so bad, that it is bringing me down.

I want a flesh heart that feels joy. I want all that is offered in the highlighted section below. My heart has been wounded so much. I am becoming weary in waiting for my transplant Daddy. I have had a stone heart for so long now. It is wearing me down. Hear my cry. Take away any fears! Help me to continue to endure. Help me to wait and see what You still need to show me. I want to be as free as this picture depicts. Lord I want to LIVE!

How about you?

Do you also desire the wonderful transplanted heart that is available to you as well from God, if you do not have already? I hope so!

Not more than ten minutes after completing this post, the Holy Spirit hit my body big time! I cannot tell you how I welcomed His visit!!! All week I felt I was hitting a brick wall. I could NOT feel Him. I have been desperate as I have been feeling so very low. This week has really really been bad for me emotionally.

Now, I was debating if I should even put up this post. But chose to, as a testament to what we all can experience and then be comforted during our pain. Thank You for this refreshing Lord, I so needed this day!!

I do not know how long His anointing will last on me but, Lord, I ask that Your indwelling and the hope that I feel at the moment continues through out the day at least.

I pray for others to feel what I am feeling right now.

Lord be with me when these depressing times creep up on me again. Reign down Your anointing touch of fire during those times! Please let me remain in Your glorious presence as long as possible!!!

I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 11:19

God promises us a heart transplant. God promises to change us. Our stone hearts will be removed and in their place will be put a heart of flesh.

A heart of stone is a dead heart. It is closed to honest, intimate relationships. A heart of stone is unmerciful with itself and with others. But we do become attached to our hearts of stone. And we find ourselves fearing God's promised transplant. Our stone hearts have one thing in their favor - they allow us to feel strong and to appear strong to others. A stone heart is a protected heart. It seems invulnerable. You cannot wound a heart of stone.

God's offer of a heart transplant is a promise of life. A heart of flesh is alive. Only a flesh heart can feel joy. Only a flesh heart can celebrate. Only a heart of flesh can give and receive love. But, the vulnerability of a heart of flesh scares us. A flesh heart does not seem as well protected as a heart of stone. It can feel joy, but it can also feel pain. You can wound a heart of flesh.

God promises to change us. God will remove our hearts of stone and give us hearts of flesh.

I like the safety of my stone heart, Lord.
But it is hard, cold, dead.
It is a heartless heart, bloodless, lifeless.
Remove it from me.
I want a heart of flesh, Lord.
I want life.
But I am afraid.
Give me the courage to say 'yes'
to your promise of life today.
Remove my heart of stone and
give me a heart of flesh.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

............................................................................ I Got The Joy!