DESIRE TO BE NEAR HIM

In lieu of what I have been going through lately, I have been spending time going over in my Life Recovery Bible Psalm 27:1-6. Desiring to be closer to God more than ever. In my quiet time and even finding a common ground with common people who believe, pray and worship like I do.

I want to share the Bible Reading from that particular Scripture:

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contacts with God, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.

Most of us initially turn to God for the help he can give us, namely, his power to free us from the power of our dependency. We may be surprised to find that, as time passes, we turn to God out of a desire to be near him. As we discover how wonderful he is and how much he loves us, we draw near to him because of the joy we experience in his presence.

King David gave us a glimpse into his relationship with God, saying, "The one thing I ask of the Lord-the thing I seek most-is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music." (Psalm 27:4-6)

David found great joy by improving his conscious contact with God. God is always there, but we are not always aware of his presence. Our relationship with God usually begins with his meeting our desperate needs. But when we begin to focus on getting to know God as an end in itself, we will discover that he will give us what we have always desired-the joy of being close to our loving Creator. Then we will see that we can be trusted with every area of our life.

(The Life Recovery Bible, p. 697)

ON FIRE

Been on fire for the Lord the past couple of hours. Watching on the internet streaming live from Australia praise and worship which the Holy Spirit had me on the floor for some time. Then picking up my own guitar and praising the Lord.

I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT

For those that remember in my post on Thursday, where my refrigerator died on me last Monday and I thought I would just need Freon. Well, it turned out I had to get a whole new refrigerator. That being said, I hate to shop period. Hate it Hate it Hate it. Even if it is for myself and something I really want. I believe that stems from my mother forcing me to go with her while she shopped for endless hours.

Since on my journey, part of my growth is regaining my independence. To break away depending on my mother who did EVERY LITTLE THING FOR ME. Even up to a few years ago. But, since I have set boundaries, I have been able to buy on my own; my own cell phone, have my own credit card, a new guitar, a laptop, paid with my own money and fixed my brakes on my car, and now paid for a whole new refrigerator without the help, frustration, complaining, fears, controlling of my mother who would make even coffee nervous.

Now all the above is unbeknown to her. I would be a fool to share what I have done "without her approval" so soon or with her at all. She would then criticize, ridicule and yes, even call me a "little stupeedo" because, "she could of gotten a better price," and "she needed to be in my affairs." So, I do not share things like this with her anymore. Will have an encounter with my mum this morning as I am setting up a new printer for her.

So, my refrigerator came yesterday. It is sooooo good to have something cold to drink again!!! After my fridge was set up I then decided to vacuum. Did a few sweeps across the rug; I smell and then see smoke coming from underneath the vacuum. Well, that was the end of my vacuum cleaner. What gives? All my appliances are dying on me. I hate to turn on my oven now. :)

I tell you! The enemy is hitting me left and right these days with personal items breaking and inconveniences. When I was in my safe comfortable zone, stuff like this was not happening to me. I was not a threat at all. Now I am.

Then having a disturbing dream this morning.

About being with my childhood friends. Meeting them as adults along with present people in my life. Then having some sort of black out. Which I have never had to my knowledge IRL. (Although I dissociated when being sexually abused. But not blacked out.) Waking up being in an unfamiliar place. Then finding these friends again, with one being very resistant and leery of me. Asking them for help as I knew something was seriously wrong with me. Weird.

In a way all that is going on with me, shows me that I am on the right path to healing and desiring more of God!

BURDENED

My earthly father many times made me feel like I was a burden. Even as an adult I can remember the words he would say to me that made my little girl cry inside and want to curl up and die. When my dad was alive and I moved back to Florida I stayed for a year with my brother and sister-in-law before finding my own place. Had a job, helped pay bills and still my dad constantly reminded me in no uncertain terms that I was a burden and that they did not want me living with them. Took a lot of convincing from my brother to tell me this was not true. But, my dad's words crushed me. He was such a critical and judgmental man. And to this day, my mum continues to call me stupid. Figuring in her own mind when I do not adhere to what she wants then I am stupid and cannot have my own thoughts, opinions myself. But, I am learning slowly that my Heavenly Father does not see me as a burden.

"...words are more powerful than perhaps anyone suspects, and once deeply engraved in a child's mind, they are not easily eradicated."—May Sarton

How burdened we became, as little girls, with the labels applied by parents, teachers, even school chums. We believe about ourselves what others teach us to believe. The messages aren't always overt. But even the very subtle ones are etched in our minds, and they remind us of our "shortcomings" long into adulthood.

Try as we might to forget the criticisms, the names, they linger in our memories and influence our self-perceptions as adults. The intervening years have done little to erase whatever emotional scars we acquired as children.

Our partnership with God will help us understand that we are spiritual beings with a wonderful purpose in this life. And we are as lovely, as capable, and as successful as we perceive ourselves to be. Our own thoughts and words, our own labels can become as powerful as those of our youth. It takes practice to believe in ourselves. But we can break the past's hold on us.

God's power will help me know the real me. I am all that I ever needed to be; I am special, and I will come to believe that.

Hazelden Foundation

Lord, continue to remind me of the tools that I can apply to successfully believe in myself!

W/E TRIP/DEPRESSED

Sorry I have not posted sooner. Just did not feel like it. Will share more further down in the post.

In spite what I will share below, I was able to survive the trip. Thanks to many of your prayers and support!!! I believe in prayer!!!! Thank you again!!

I did find myself a few times Saturday night when conversations were negative to just blurt out loud, which I have never done before, "Hallelujah." It was like I had no control over myself. The word would always come out of my Spirit to end some kind of negative/complaining talk among my family. Surprised me as well!

Sure I have said Hallelujah before many times, but to use it as a "negative stopper" was new. My family always had some kind of confused look on their faces when this happened and then the conversation became more light.

When my brother would chime in with my mum ridiculing me about something that was like a stake driven in my heart......I exclaimed "Hallelujah." She did not like that I said to her at one point that I did not need to call her every morning. She went off on me to my brother and sister-in-law on that one.

Anyway......

I forgot how much my mum can complain and ridicule and insult. Constant verbal attacks from her. She was true to form with me in the car. Constantly worrying about everything. If you give her a topic, she would find some way to worry about it. At one point I felt trapped when she began in on me. I knew I could not just leave as I was driving. The guilt trips she tried to put on me when I would say that I am not worried about such and such a thing. She would get angry. Call me a "little stupeedo" (stupid). She figures by flowering her words to me it does not come off as bad. OH YEAH IT DOES MUM!

She at one point said that I was more well behaved as a kid than now. Of course. Now she cannot control me! And she raised her voice more than once to me reminding me that she was my mother and that she has more wisdom than I because she has lived longer so I need to listen to her.

Whatever.....

A trip that if I drove by myself one way would take 3 1/2 to 4 hours ended up taking six. My mum insisted we stop to (1) Get a lottery ticket; (2) eat (3) go to Walmart to buy vitamins that were on sale and (4) get more gas.

There was no point in arguing. At one point we ended up missing our turn off as she was yapping at me and I was defending myself and I went close to twenty miles out of our way which in turned prompted the emergency gas fill up as the warning light came on in the car, and of course it was my fault. She then yelling at me to slow down, turn the a/c off we are going to be stranded, etc. in order to save on gas until we filled up. Nightmare!

She then later said this trip was not bad and that we should do this more often. Huh???? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

So glad this trip is over with. After she dropped me off at home Sonday afternoon, I usually wait for her to leave and wave. But, I had it with her insults. So I hugged her turned and left.

At least she got to see her great grandkids, grandchild and son.

Really did not have the opportunity nor the desire to spend that much time with my brother.

Although there was one time I had a quick flashback to him sexually abusing me. Normally I can bypass any memories when I am with him. But, this time I was not able to. The memory really shook me up. So that episode shut me down for a bit.

I was exhausted arriving and not feeling 100%, so I rested most of Saturday until the great grandkdis came. Then Sonday morning we left.

When all was said and done, and I was finally home alone, I had to sit myself down and reassure myself over and over who I am in Christ. That the last 24 hours beforehand have since passed. That I am not this "stupeedo" I was called nor should I feel guilt for having my own opinion and being shut down because of it.

Then Monday morning my refrigerator died and I lost all my food. It probably only needs Freon. But, I have yet to call for repair. Right now I just do not care or have it in me to do so. Please pray for me to at least care enough about myself to make the call.

I have been depressed. I am really having a hard time liking myself now. Blogging has become hard.

Also, I am having a real difficult time at work with individuals there and how they are affecting me. The continued games people play. I want so much to be free from what others think of me, say or do. I do not want to go to work.

Even though I felt rejuvenated and my spirit replenished somewhat last night at a worship service, the enemy still managed to make his way into my thoughts and I know it will always be an endless battle to fight him off. But I am so tired. Lord give me the strength to carry on.

I think I have just been emotionally and physically with headaches beaten down these past couple of weeks that I am really hurting and vulnerable at the moment.....

Thanks.

ONE NIGHT STAND

This morning my mum and I are heading up to see my brother and family which is a 4 1/2 - 5 hour road trip each way. Me driving all the way. My mother, who is 84, has not yet seen her great grandchildren since they were born a few years ago.

I may be selfish here, but I REALLY do not want to do this trip!! I know it is mainly because I have changed considerably since my journey. I do not want to be exposed to that environment anymore. I am still in a transition phase and who knows, next year I may feel again differently and would not mind the trip. But now, I do. Still.....

This trip is a one nighter. That is all I can take. Staying at my brothers and getting all the festivities taken care of in under 24 hours will be hectic enough. Then leaving some time tomorrow morning for the long haul back home.

Realize I will be in closed confinement with my mum who I have been setting boundaries for over two years. To now be encased in a metal box on wheels for close to ten hours will be really challenging and exhausting! Praying our conversations will be civil and that we both do not become defensive.

So I am asking you all and being Very Very Very NEEDY Big Time to pray!!!

Pray for traveling mercies and that I do not go insane with my mum's constant worry about something going wrong. She has been at it already for a week and now that the day has finally arrived, she has not let up.

Pray for my physical body.

Pray that I have a migraine free trip. Still have a dull headache.

Woke up with a blood shot left eye. Could be from the migraine or some bug I am fighting. Pray for this to clear up as well.

Pray for the lies the enemy is throwing my way already this morning about my physical condition.

I am very irritable.

Also, pray the time I spend with my brother will be beneficial. In addition, that I be open to whatever the Lord may share with me during this time to help me with my past pain.

Pray that my outlook on this trip turns somewhat positive. Because it is really difficult now and I do not want to be defeated here!

Okay, I think I am done.

Thank you!!

So, I will be off line most of this weekend.

HEALING

Want to thank those who prayed for me for my early morning prayer post today re: my reoccurring migraine. I was able to fall back asleep and this morning I feel a bit better. Prayer does work! I know it does.

What an appropriate post to do today. God does have the power to heal us, body mind and hearts. Amen!

God, as understood by each of us, has the Power to heal our bodies, minds, and hearts. Once we realize that we are sick, we can open ourselves to God, which will affect our recovery. As we delve more deeply into understanding, we see that it is not only the body, which suffers from the disease of compulsive habits. Mind and emotions are also muddled and in need of God's cleansing.

Sometimes we have to get worse in order to get better. Sometimes we have to be more devastated by overeating, by pride, by fear and selfishness before we are willing to turn ourselves over to God for healing. We do not make the effort to work the Twelve Steps until we see how desperately ill we are.

God heals, but He requires our cooperation and effort. The extent of our recovery is determined by the intensity of our desire to get well. When our desire is focused on the source of health and held there steadily, we can become whole.

We pray for healing.

Hazelden Foundation

The bold parts are so very true. Getting worse in whatever we are dealing with until we finally come to the end of our rope for many of us seems to be the norm. Finally realizing we have a problem and we cannot solve it on our own.

Often I thought how serious am I in my recovery. Then I realized I am as serious as I want to get well......

PRAYER AGAIN

If any of my prayer warriors are out there, here it is around 12:30 a.m. EST and being woke up out of a sound sleep with my headache again. Whatever I am fighting is very persistent. So, I ask for prayer once again.... thanks.

OK TO BE NEEDY

Allowing myself to be needy was discussed in t.

It is still hard for me to let people in when I am weak and in need of help. I have a strong stubborn independent streak in me stemming back from my parents where one went from one extreme with "overwhelming me with fear" and the other one to just telling me to "suck it up."

My previous post about prayer for my migraine, which I thank all who have prayed for me, was a big step. Did not want to post about my need. The battle was on big time. I finally broke down, because frankly, I was hurting. I was in pain. I wanted to reach out and let you guys in. I took a chance. I want to be able to feel comfortable enough in the future to be able to call upon you all again.

The more I trust that I am not this overbearing person, that I do have needs, that I am weak, the easier the process will become. I want to believe fully one day, that I deserve to have my healthy needs met. That I am truly worthy.

We can accept ourselves as people who have needs - the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, and healthy touch. We need positive reinforcement, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and healthy. Getting our needs met - believing we deserve to have them met - makes us happy.

There are times, too, when in addition to our regular needs, we become particularly needy. At these times, we need more than we have to give out. That is okay too.

We can accept and incorporate our needs, and our needy side, into the whole of us. We can take responsibility for our needs. That doesn't make us weak or deficient. It doesn't mean we are not properly recovering, nor does it mean we're being dependent in an unhealthy way. It makes our needs, and our needy side, manageable. Our needs stop controlling us, and we gain control.

And, our needs begin to get met.

Today, I will accept my needs and my needy side. I believe I deserve to get my needs met, and I will allow that to happen.

Hazelden Foundation

PRAYER

I really do not like asking for prayer for myself.

I know this is one of the areas of my journey's walk that I want to improve on. That I am worthy of prayer. I usually just suck it up. I could even say I am still wearing a mask on this one to cover up my pain.

I have been struggling with a migrain on and off for the past week now. Yesterday it was something fierce. I did not expect it to manifest into what it did. I do not recall being that sick in a long time. It can really put me out of commission. I was fine in the morning early afternoon. . . then all of a sudden......

Today it is a bit better. But it is there.

Thanks.

HIDEAWAY WORSHIP

In recent days it seems I have been exposed to different opportunities of praise and worship the Lord has been showing me. I have been having a burning desire to grow closer to Him, especially as He continues to heal my deep pain.

Last night I went to an awesome worship and prayer gathering and then today, I had a pleasant discovery in the building that I work in also.

The owner's of the building have once a week a worship/prayer service for their own company in one of the large rooms available at 11:00 each Wednesday morning. I snuck into and stood in the back praising the Lord and briefly listening to a little bit of the message today. Later on I found out I did not have to sneak in, as the service was open to anyone.

Well, in reality I did have to sneak out of my own company to go down stairs to sneak into another company. Hee Hee..... I only stayed about 15 minutes, as I did not want to abuse my own company time.

Thank you Lord for showing me this hideaway worship that I can look forward to at least partly every Wednesday morning.

WE ARE NO LONGER ORPHANS

Besides being sexually abused by my brother when I was 8 or 9, the divorce of my parents when I was eleven and the years beforehand living in an environment at such a young age hearing daily hateful words being exchanged between my alcoholic mum and dad certainly left a lasting impression on my little soul.

Understanding now, what I did not understand then, I felt abandoned. I have felt pain, sadness and isolation most of my life. I have felt sooooooo alone.

But, thank God I have a Savior who understands my pain. He has and is helping me walk through some very difficult pain now that I must go through in order to heal. But, He is not letting me do this alone though. He is right there with me every step of the way. Even the times I feel He is not. He has also placed safe people in my life to encourage and give guidance. He is slowly replacing what I lost as a child in my heart; He is refilling the empty hole. I hunger for Him more than ever now! The more I have of Him, the more of His love I will experience and the returning of the joy I once had as a kid.

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18

There are many ways to become an orphan. Some children become orphans when their parents die. Others become functional orphans when their parents divorce. Other people become orphans as a result of their parent's emotional unavailability. Anyone who has been neglected, abandoned, or abused by people who were important in their life will appreciate what it is like to be an orphan. It is a painful and lonely experience. Orphans doubt their ability to sustain intimate relationships and find it difficult to trust others. Experiences of abandonment leave us full of loneliness, fear and self-loathing.

Jesus understood the acute pain that orphans experience. In this text he responds to that deep pain with a promise of relationship. "I will not leave you as orphans," Jesus says, "I will not abandon you. You will not be without family because I will come to you."

In Jesus we see most clearly that God is attentive and available to us when we feel abandoned or neglected. God respects our needs and responds to our desires for relationship. God calls us out of the brokenness and dysfunction of our very personal orphanage into the community and fellowship of God's family. We are no longer orphans. We are God's children.

Lord, I know about being an orphan.
I know about abandonment.
Thank you for understanding my fear of separation.
Thank you for understanding my need for your presence.
Come.
Be present today with me.
I want to spend time with you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

DON'T HIDE YOUR SHAME

Don't hide my shame? Wow!

As the devotional shares below, "But if we hide our shame, it can never be healed. Our shame heals when we reveal our inner being to people who accept us rather than shame us."

We want to hide our shame. I know I did and still do at times. Discovery of wearing different masks to survive my shameful past was one way of how I dealt with my shame. I pretended nothing was wrong. I pretended to be someone that I was not, because I did NOT like myself. Still working on this one.

There is freedom in the words from God that says,"you don't need to be afraid, you will not suffer shame." I am holding onto these promises. As hard as it is sometimes to.

God will never shame nor condemn me. I will always be accepted in His eyes and that it is His desire to heal the core of my hurting pain that one day will release the hold of the joy that remains locked up deep inside me.

These promises can be for you as well!!

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated." Isaiah 54:4

Experiences of shame lead to fear. When shame causes us to be afraid we make extra efforts to protect ourselves against future experiences of shame. We try hard, for example, to look good. We focus on controlling external appearances. We also try hard to anesthetize our feelings because of our fear of shame. We focus on controlling our feelings so that other people won't get to know us. If they did they might discover the shame we are trying to hide. In this way shame traps us in a cycle of fear and emotional numbing and covering up.

But if we hide our shame, it can never be healed. Our shame heals when we reveal our inner being to people who accept us rather than shame us. This is not an easy process for us because we expect to be shamed. We do not expect to be accepted.

What a remarkably grace-full experience it is when God says "you don't need to be afraid, you will not suffer shame." We can open our hearts to God and find acceptance rather than shaming. God sees our fear. God knows that we want to run and hide. But it is God's desire to heal our deep wound of shame. "You don't have to be afraid," God says to us, "you will not suffer shame or disgrace or humiliation with me."

I have experienced so much shame, Lord.
So much disgrace.
So much humiliation.
Sometimes I want to hide myself from life.
And sometimes I want to numb myself to life.
Sometimes I want to disappear completely.

Thank you for your promise.
It calms my fears and helps me to stop hiding.
It helps me to stop covering up.
Thank you that I can open my heart to you and not suffer shame.
Thank you for the people in my life who accept me and do not shame me.
Protect me, Lord, from shame.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

CRY OUT

God does hear us.

Despite what we may feel.

We can believe that somehow the cry of the human soul is never unheard by God. It may be that God hears the cry, even if we fail to notice God's response to it. The human cry for help must always evoke a response of some sort from God. It may be that our failure to discern properly keeps us unaware of the response. But one thing we can believe is that the grace of God is always available for every human being who sincerely calls for help. Many changed lives are living proofs of this fact.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may trust God to answer my prayer as He sees fit. I pray that I may be content with whatever form that answer may take.

Hazelden

BEING HONEST WITH OURSELVES

Being honest with ourselves is probably one of the hardest things to do. I mean, if we can end up lying to ourselves that all is well, you know we will lie to others.

For many years I was in denial. Wearing many masks to cover up who I really was.

One of my biggest struggles have been with codependency. I engaged in co-dependent relationships; one in particular developing seriously unhealthy. Something I am not proud of.

Took a few years just to recover and some what function once again in society. I could not even keep a job. A tremendous about of shame, guilt and deep depression. I still struggle to this day with some of the after-effects from that relationship which happened close to 15 years ago. So I do have some more work in this area.

But, realize NOW I was only responding out of my own hurts and needs. The lack of nurturing/bonding from my parents. At the time I was not ready to face or let alone understand what was going on with me. My emotional pain took over. I was not ready to be honest with myself, my pain, nor my emotions:

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we need to maintain. The quality of that relationship will determine the quality of our other relationships.

When we can tell ourselves how we feel, and accept our feelings, we can tell others.

When we can accept what we want and need, we will be ready to have our wants and needs met.

When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what's important to us, we can relay this to others.

When we learn to take ourselves seriously, others will too.

When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be ready to laugh with others.

When we have learned to trust ourselves, we will be trustworthy and ready to trust.

When we can be grateful for who we are, we will have achieved self-love.

When we have achieved self-love and accepting our wants and needs, we will be ready to give and receive love.

When we've learned to stand on our own two feet, we're ready to stand next to someone.

Today, I will focus on having a good relationship with myself.

Hazelden Foundation

REFUSE and DEFUSE

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus
the author and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy set before him
endured the cross, scorning the shame.
Hebrews 12:2

For many of us shame got to us in our childhoods. Through abuse, abandonment, critical words, perfectionism, neglect or some kind of massive trauma. Even if we were not nurtured properly by our parents, shame had a way of creeping in. Crippling us.

I am still in the process of healing from shame and past hurts. It is a process. A process that will take time. Not always easy to work through.

There is a constant battle for me to refuse and defuse the lies the enemy places in my head about my self worth and value. That is if I remember before I go off thinking and confessing just how bad I am and that I am not worthy enough to accomplish something.

With God, if I can catch the lie before it escalates (which it can escalate in no time), then I have a better than half a chance of nipping that particular attack in the bud. Takes practice and determination to redirect that train onto a more safer track though.

SADNESS

I am not trying to remain on a "downer" theme these past two post. That is not my intention. I just would like to try to encourage any others who suffer as I do with sadness.

Throughout most my life it has seemed that I have had a heaviness of sadness upon me. The sadness then became a part of me.

Trauma and stress in our lives may have an adverse effect on us all differently in the form of sadness and grief. For some of us sadness may last a day. A week. But for the prolong periods, sadness can certainly weigh our spirit down and block the joy that God intended for us.

As my journey enables God and I to peel off another layer as I work through my pain, I believe my healing will one day override my sadness. Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! One day I will wake up and BOOM the cloud had lifted! Hallelujah!!!!

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good byes - have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

"If you put them in prison," one character said, describing this tribe, "they die."

"Why?" asked another character.

"Because they can't grasp the idea that they'll be let out one day. They think it's permanent, so they die."

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings.

Hazelden Foundation

MY DESPERATE CRY

Lord, my life has felt so empty.
I feel like air is blowing through me.
Lord despite my emotional pain of sadness and depression.
I am committed to walking through this confusion to freedom.
Please fill up my empty spaces.
Beginning with Your love.
Help me to become the person you made me to be.

ROCKER BIRD

Feeling on edge.

Even though I am making progress on my journey, I struggle when I feel this way in my Spirit.

My Spirit is unsettled right now, big time. Some times I just do not know what to do with myself. I become more critical and frustrated.

When I am like this, the best thing is for me to retire early for the evening and by morning I am a bit better.

Found this adorable picture off the internet. Made me at least smile.

DURING TIMES OF GRIEF

You know even this late in my journey I still am over come with grief. Why surprised? I should not be. Makes sense. I am still dealing with past pain. Still dealing with past hurts that I have never grieved about the first time.

Continuing on my journey getting in touch with some past pain, I can only expect to grieve. Different levels of grief. Different levels of pain that I will be going through to break through to the other side.

As the devotional states below.....grieving is certainly exhausting and demanding. It can take its toll on us. That is why we need to take the time and hibernate, be good to ourselves, recover, be replenished have God minister to our pain.

The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to "cocoon for transformation," in Pat Carnes's words, while going through grief.

We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.

Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.

It's okay to be gentle with ourselves when we're gong through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.

We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.

It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.

Before long, we will take wings and fly.

God, help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.

Hazelden Foundation

SURVIVAL MODE - PRETENDING

I still have the tendency to go into survival mode.

These days when I am overwhelmed or have not learned the tools to deal with a situation, usually I become very quiet.

Giving the appearance I am okay in my quietness. That what just happened does not bother me. But OH DOES IT EVER!!

I can recall times through out my life a few people asking me, even teachers and classmates, "is everything okay at home?" A simple "yes" came from my lips. I think they asked because of the way I was behaving. Saw some red flags.

Home life was different than at school. At home I expressed and showed my pain. Not understanding at the time why I was lashing out. I just did. There was no holding me back those early days.

I would lash out....then go silent. Anger festering inside of me.

Reflecting back I see I was in a la-land of immaturity and denial. There was no depth to my relating or comprehending for that matter. Had no clue that my past had an affect on me. The sexual abuse; my parents alcoholism; their divorce; the sudden loss of my childhood friends, my father, my hometown. All of this took their toll on me throughout my teenage years into adulthood.

My mother had issues with guilt and dealing with divorcing my father and remarrying. I did not recognize it at the time, because I was hurting so much from their split and having no friends. Nobody to talk to. To cry out to. To listen to me. I missed my father! I missed my friends! Basically losing everything, including "my own-self" over night.

My mother self-medicated with drink. What I saw made me so angry with fury. When I came home daily from Junior High School I saw a drunk woman who looked physically ugly. She had this horrible face. I hated that face! To this day I can still visualize that face. She could hardly stand, slurred her words and was so very unhappy.

She was vulnerable while drunk and I took advantage of this time. I was so angry. She could not comfort my pain, as she could not comfort hers. I constantly yelled at her. Called her awful things. Ran daily into my room after school slamming my bedroom door behind me.

I resented my mother. I blamed her for making me move away with her, divorcing my father and marrying someone else that was a complete stranger to me and "I" was told to love and have a good life.

Did not talk much during those years at home. I hated my life, my mother, my step-father. God was no where to be found in my life at that time.

My teenage years were the darkest for me. I shiver just thinking about how awful they were. I grew deeper and deeper into depression and isolation. Had no one to talk to. Sometimes I felt I lost touch with reality. Creating my own fantasy world with my own dialog and cast of characters in my head to ease my pain and to have some kind of life. As sick as it was. That was my survival mode. La La Land.

This late in my journey, some 40 years later, I am just now feeling some compassion for my mother. The Lord is showing me that she too was in her own pain. She did not know how to comfort me. She was in her own misery of guilt. She was hurting and she went into her own survival mode.

How have you survived?

Some of us become perfectionists to cover up our pain that we can even drive ourselves crazy with our rituals. Pretending all the way nothing is wrong. Which can drive us harder to perform perfectly for people. To please others. To somehow think our pain will ease if people will accept us.

But God does NOT ask for such sacrifices from us. It is NOT our job. God is aware of our brokenness. Our pain. He does not come to shame or condemn us.

So very easy to put on paper. Still it is a big pill to swallow. Sure my walls have thinned considerably around my heart, but some still remain. All in time. All in God's time. The more I am willing to let Him continue do His surgery, the sooner I will be able to heal into the person I was intended to be! That surely will be freedom then!

DESTINED TO SURVIVE

VERSE 1
SOMETIMES I WANT TO GIVE UP - PUT MY HANDS UP
LORD, TAKE THIS CUP FROM ME
I CANT SEEM TO GET IT RIGHT - DO IT RIGHT
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

THE SPIRIT IS THIRSTY
AND MY SOUL IS HURTING
FRUSTRATION IS BEATING ME DOWN

THE THINGS I DON'T WANNA DO
ARE THE SAME THINGS I YIELD TO
MY FLESH WANTS TO BE IN CONTROL

BUT THERE'S STRENGTH DEEP INSIDE ME
HE PUSHES ME TO KEEP FIGHTING
AND I'VE GOTTA GET UP FROM HERE
FOR MY BREAKTHROUGH IS ALMOST RIGHT HERE

CHORUS
KEEP PRESSING; KEEP PUSHING
I CAN MAKE IT; DON'T LOSE IT
KEEP STRIVING; KEEP FIGHTING
I CAN WIN; THIS WON'T BREAK ME DOWN

GOTTA BE STRONG; GOTTA CARRY ON
CAN'T GIVE UP; KEEP HOLDING ON
YOU CAN DO THIS; YOU WERE CHOSEN AND
DESTINED TO SURVIVE

VERSE 2
THERE ARE TIMES THE WAY GETS HARD
AND LIFE WILL LEAVE SOME BATTLE SCARS
BUT YET WILL I TRUST YOU
CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW TO COMFORT ME
WHEN I FACE MY ADVERSITY
SO THROUGH THESE TEARS AND ALL MY FEARS
I'M RUNNING; I'M DRAWING NEAR

CHORUS
KEEP PRESSING; KEEP PUSHING
I CAN MAKE IT; DON'T LOSE IT
KEEP STRIVING; KEEP FIGHTING
I CAN WIN; THIS WON'T BREAK ME DOWN

GOTTA BE STRONG; GOTTA CARRY ON
CAN'T GIVE UP; KEEP HOLDING ON
YOU CAN DO THIS; YOU WERE CHOSEN AND
DESTINED TO SURVIVE

BRIDGE
THERE WERE TIMES I KNOW I CAME SO CLOSE
TO THROWING IT ALL AWAY
ALL THE PAIN IN LIFE - THE DARKEST NIGHTS
EVEN FOUND IT HARD TO PRAY
BUT I'VE COME TOO FAR TO GIVE UP NOW
SO YES I'LL STAND MY GROUND
FOR GREATER IS HE THAT'S WITHIN ME
IN HE I FIND MY DESTINY

CHORUS
KEEP PRESSING; KEEP PUSHING
I CAN MAKE IT; DON'T LOSE IT
KEEP STRIVING; KEEP FIGHTING
I CAN WIN

BE STRONG; CARRY ON
CAN'T GIVE UP; KEEP HOLDING ON
YOU CAN DO THIS; YOU WERE CHOSEN
AND DESTINED TO SURVIVE

Do you realize today is 10-10-10?

BLOCKS AND BARRIERS

This week has really been difficult for me. Even to blog.

Words escape me in trying to explain what I have been feeling. The emotional pain goes deeper than words can describe.

The devotional below hardly conveys what I am experiencing. If anything it is only "one tiny" aspect of my struggle. Does not contain the specifics: the shame, lack of self worth, fears, grieving. I can tell you this though.... that certain types of weather triggers memories for me as well. Especially Fall.

The dry barren land I am passing through now is just that.....a passing. I know this. My journey has been a series of cycles. Some lower than others. This present valley is one of those. The pain is very real.

But, I will emerge one day victorious!

There are other kinds of triggers, though, that may be less apparent and evoke different feelings and memories.

Our mind is like a powerful computer. It links sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste with feelings, thoughts, and memories. It links our senses - and we remember.

Sometimes the smallest, most innocuous incident can trigger memories. Not all our memories are pleasant, especially if we grew up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional setting.

We may not understand why we suddenly feel afraid, depressed, and anxious. We may not understand what has triggered our codependent coping behaviors - the low self worth, the need to control, the need to neglect ourselves. When that happens, we need to understand that some innocuous event may be triggering memories recorded deep within us.

If something, even something we don't understand, triggers painful memories, we can pull ourselves back into the present by self care: acknowledging our feelings, detaching, and affirming ourselves. We can take action to feel good. No matter what the past held, we can put it in perspective, and create a more pleasant today.

Today, I will gently work through my memories. I will accept my feelings, even if I consider them different than what others are feeling. God, help me let go, heal from, and release the painful memories. Help me finish my business from the past.

Hazlenden Foundation

My prayer:

"God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself."

ADVERSE EFFECT

These past few days I have been depressed. I have been sad most my life. Something I just live with as it is part of me. But, on those days, weeks and even months when I am triggered I can become depressed more than usual.

I know what triggered this episode. Since my last post I talked about if I am worthy enough to have friends. This is hard for me right now. I really did not want to post about it. I have yet to look at any of your comments on this particular post. In time.

But then I went an created a Facebook account the other day. Not a big deal I thought. Mainly to see who it out there.

Then my curiosity got the best of me and I went really hard digging in my brain for past "so called friends" even "childhood friends." Well, you can guess. I found some on Facebook. Bad move. But, I had enough sense just to add them as friends and not correspond. I just cannot pursue them. I am hurting too much with this trigger. This whole thing had an adverse effect on me.

WORTHY ENOUGH?

I am really having a hard time now.

Struggling in the area of feeling worthy enough to be considered a friend. (Topic of t. session)

It hurts. Discouraging many times.

Just saying the word "friend" is difficult for me. My minds definition of a friend is a bit screwy.

Sure you can be a friend to me. That is no problem. Much easier. I can accept you as you are. But, it is still extremely difficult for me to accept myself as I am. That I even have something of value to offer. Still dealing with a lot of shame and unworthiness.

Shame is a tough hurdle to jump over.

Daddy in these next few days, months or even years, help me to learn and to believe that I am worthy enough to be someone's friend. And not shudder every time I hear the word. But, to truly accept the truth in my heart that I do have a purpose. I have something to offer. That I am worthy:

"When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick." Matthew 14:14

It is foundational to our healing for someone to see us with compassion. We do not see ourselves with compassion. Instead, we often see ourselves through harsh, condemning eyes. We have come to reject and shame ourselves for our need. In order to learn to heal from the inside out we need someone to see us differently than we see ourselves. We need someone to see us as we are and to respond to us with emotional warmth and genuine concern.

Jesus saw. And had compassion. And he healed. All three experiences are helpful in recovery.

God sees us. He sees that we struggle, that we need help, that we hurt. Our brokenness is not a surprise or a disappointment to God.

God has compassion on us. God feels with us. God is emotionally responsive to us. It matters to God that we are in need. It impacts God.

God heals. Having seen us and had compassion for us, God responds. God touches our wounds. God mends our broken hearts. God strengthens our weary spirits.

For those of us who have felt invisible, who have experienced shame and rejection and abuse, it is a wonderful thing to find someone who sees, has compassion and seeks to heal!

Lord, thank you that you see me.
You see my pain.
Thank you that it matters to you that I struggle and hurt.
Thank you that it is in the context of personal attention and compassion
that you heal me.
I await your healing touch today.
Amen


Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan