RAINBOWS FROM OUR PAIN

These past couple of weeks it has felt like I have been run over by a steam roller. My spirit was so heavy and battling depression and sadness. Flooding buckets of tears. I am worn out.

In my struggle, the Lord reminded me how close I am to coming out to the other side. I need to continue to trust Him and step out no matter how awful I feel emotionally. That this current trial of pain will not last forever. Although the battle is on, I am assured that God will and has been taking care of me all this time.

In the devotional below, I especially like the line: "After our tears, our inner sun shines, and rainbows are formed from our pain." Amen!

If there were no rain, fields would become parched and brittle, and many creatures would die. If we could not cry, all our emotions would eventually dry up, too, and soon we would not laugh either. Our tears cleanse us. Our tears heal. They make us whole.

Tears are as important to our growth as rain is to a flower. They help release the pressure of sadness so we can feel better. After a storm, when the sun shines again through the clouds, a brightly colored rainbow appears. After our tears, our inner sun shines, and rainbows are formed from our pain.

How well can I accept my tears as part of my happiness today?

Hazelden Foundation

DIFFICULT

Been a very difficult week for me. I was not planning on being away so long from the blogging world, but I found it hard to blog. Even though I have been having a hard time emotionally, the Lord has shown me some things.

This song was sung last week at church which blessed and encouraged me.

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

LIFT ME OUT OF THIS MIRE!

I am still struggling with these dark days (see previous post). Usually by now the depression would have lifted some what to more manageable. For some reason, this episode is taking longer. My hope dips. Yesterday was pretty rough for me emotionally.

Really praying today will be a better day for me.

Struggling really bad....

Sonday could not have come sooner!

I plan on bathing in the Lord's presence among other believers.

Lord, I desire this depression to leave. I desire this time with You more than ever. I desire to be encouraged Lord! Please lift me out of this mire Daddy!!!

DARK DAYS

I have been having what I call, "My Dark Days." A type of "Grieving." "What once was lost."

I have NOT had this 'intense' feeling in a long time. Started yesterday. I had a brief dark days a few weeks back. Not as severe.

It is not like the oppression I normally feel. The change of weather (Fall, cooler) brings on the dark days for me.

For some reason my mind gets flooded with a lot of memories from the past when this occurrence happens. Not necessarily always bad memories. But it is like my mind gets overload with one memory after another. Memories that pop in my head that I have never thought about in ages and "wham" there they are. I have to chuckle at times thinking, "why on earth am I bringing this non-sense of a memory up?" What is the purpose?

I do feel very oppressed and depressed at this time as well and tear up more. My body in a way goes on "pause" becomes lethargic. I am able to function in the world, but I feel like I am glazed over. And am screaming in the inside!

Anyway..... I have always struggled with this occurrence through out my life. But know, in time this too will pass.

Lord I count on You to take me through this episode of dark days. Lord You are my Strength. You are my Hope!

NURTURED

Allowing myself to be nurtured can still be difficult.

My mum's nurturing over all these years has been a dysfunctional kind of nurturing/love. So "her love" "her control" "her fears" has been really all that I have been used to and know. But, I am slowly learning a healthier way. I am becoming stronger in breaking away.

My mum is a very critical and judgmental individual as my father was as well. Both were alcoholics. My father was not there for me most of my life. My dad was not a "hugging" father nor encourager as well as my mum. I felt abandoned by him. My feelings towards him became numb. Probably why I could not grieve his death. My parents divorce and the sexual abuse from my older brother when I was around 8-9, both going on at the same time, had a tremendous effect on me.

Part of my healing is letting people be there for me and visa versa. Letting them in to my pain. Doing this remains hard for me still. But, oh so much easier than before. Much easier. Praise God!

Allowing hugs that are good and healthy are welcomed. In fact I really like hugs now. Still struggle on accepting that I am important and worthy enough to be listened to and supported though. The l-o-v-e word is a big obstacle for me.

Let yourself be nurtured and loved. Let people be there for you. Allow yourself to be held when it would feel good. Let someone listen to you, support and encourage you when you need that. Receive comfort from someone's physical presence when you need that. Allow yourself to be supported emotionally and cared about.

For too long, we've stood in the background, attending to the needs of others and claiming we have no needs of our own. We've shut off, for to long, the part of us that longs to be nurtured.

It is time, now, to claim those needs, to identify them, and to understand that we deserve to have them met.

What are our needs? What would feel good? What kinds of ways would we like others to nurture and support us? The clearer we can be about our needs, the greater the possibility they will be met.

Hugs. A listening ear. Support. Encouragement. The physical and emotional presence of people who care about us. Doesn't that sound good? Tempting?

Someone once said to me, "The eighties have been a 'me' decade. Now, maybe the nineties can be a 'you' decade."

My reply was immediate. "Let's make the nineties a 'me' and 'you' decade."

No matter how long we've been recovering, we never outgrow our need for nurturing and love.

Today, I will open to recognizing my needs for nurturing. I will be open to the needs of those around me too. I can begin taking a nurturing, loving attitude toward myself and by taking responsibility for my needs in relationships.

Hazelden Foundation

PART II FALSE GUILT

NEED TO VENT
Had dinner with my mum tonight for her birthday.

I have never witnessed such a negative woman in my life. Non stop negative words coming out of that woman's mouth. I do not enjoy being in her presence at all. We really do not have anything in common except her giving birth to me. I cannot believe how much I have changed with my thinking! I am not tracking with her anymore.

At one point early on (as I was going crazy just hearing over and over negatively about the economy, the gas, the president, my pastor, my money, my car, my clothes, my work, etc.) I asked her could we talk about something positive. She hit the roof with that reply saying, "What are you talking about. I am not negative. I can't even talk normal to you anymore." I replied, "mum all you talk about is negative things. You don't trust God with what you are saying."

She even then went on to say to me, which hurt to the core, that she rebuked Satan in my life because of the way I have been acting. OMG!!! She then went off on me about that she is not negative and how dare I. Then she went off with the way I believe and that she does not appreciate certain preachers that I like and that they are phony. Then criticizing my own pastor with what he wears.

At one point I just did not say anything anymore. I could not. I was spent. I did not like being with her. She is one person that will not listen to reason. She is a stubborn controlling woman who has to be right.

I do not know what I am going to do???

As I said, I really do not like talking to her. I am so oppressed by her presence. There is no life in her conversations. She is so unhappy and fearful and will not admit this. I did not even feel the presence of the Holy Spirit the time we were together tonight. I knew He did not leave me, but He was in hiding from the negativity. He wanted no part of it either. There is no joy in my mum.

Now enter the false guilt. I am really struggling tonight after leaving her. I cannot believe I was brought up on all this crap. No wonder my thinking has been screwed up. Only difference back then I never argued, just fell right into it.

I am tired and my head is wickedly pounding. I feel guilty about how I handled my mum tonight. I am really feeling low. I do not enjoy feeling this false crap.

I was angry, annoyed, irritated, frustrated all because of her. I know a lot of these emotions are false guilt. I tried my best to have a normal conversation with the woman, but could not. Everything is a battle for control and dominance. I am trying to remind myself that what she is doing is "all about her and her issues, her fears and they have nothing to do with me." So I need not feel guilty. It is hard.

I know the more I face the false guilt the stronger I will be in overcoming this thinking. Right now, in the early stages of applying healthy tools in thinking and accepting who I am in Christ, it is hard!!! But I am determined, to prevail in Christ! He is my Rock!! He will see me through this pain.

Meanwhile....

Below is more info on False Guilt that may be of interest. I recognize a lot of the signs here. The bug illustration is a good one:

The Source of False Guilt

Next, I would like to focus on the source of false guilt: an overactive conscience. What is an overactive conscience? How does it function? Steve Shores says, "The mission of a person's overactive conscience is to attract the expectations of others."

Imagine a light bulb glowing brightly on a warm summer's night. What do you see in your mind's eye? Bugs. Bugs of every variety are attracted to that light. The light bulb serves as a magnet for these insects. Imagine that light is an overactive conscience. The expectations of others are the "bugs" that are attracted to the "light" of an overactive conscience.

Now imagine a light bulb burning inside a screened porch. The bugs are still attracted, but they bounce off the screen. The overactive conscience has no screen. But it is more than that. The overactive conscience doesn't want a screen. The more "bugs" the better. Why? Because the whole purpose is to meet expectations in order to gain approval and fill up the emptiness of the soul. This is an overactive conscience, a light bulb with lots of bugs and no screen.

A key to understanding the overactive conscience is the word "active." Someone with false guilt has a conscience that is always on the go. False guilt makes a person restless, continually looking for a rule to be kept, a scruple to observe, an expectation to be fulfilled, or a way to be an asset to a person or a group.

The idea of being an asset is a crucial point. When I am an asset, then I am a "good" person and life works pretty well. When I fear I've let someone down, then I am a liability. My life falls apart, and I will work hard to win my way back into the favor of others.

So an overactive conscience is like a magnet for expectations. These expectations come from oneself, parents (whether alive or not), friends, bosses, peers, God, or distorted images of God. False guilt makes the overactive conscience voracious for expectations. False guilt is always looking for people to please and rules to be kept.

An overactive conscience is also seeking to keep the "carrot" of acceptance just out of reach. This "carrot" includes self-acceptance and acceptance from others and from God. The guilt-ridden conscience continually says, "Your efforts are not good enough. You must keep trying because, even if your attempts don't measure up, the trying itself counts as something."

For that reason, an overactive conscience is not happy at rest. Though rest is the birthright of the Christian, relaxing is just too dangerous, i.e., relaxing might bring down my guard, and I might miss signs of rejection. Besides, acceptance is conditional, and I must continually prove my worthiness to others. I can never be a liability if I am to expect acceptance to continue. It is hard to relax because I must be ever fearful of letting someone down and must constantly work to gain acceptance.

In summary, a person with false guilt and an overactive conscience spends much of his or her life worn out. Unrelenting efforts to meet the expectations of others can have some very negative consequences.

© 1996 Probe Ministries International

WoW!

FALSE GUILT

Today is my mother's birthday. We will be spending some time together and then dinner. Inevitably no matter what the occasion we always end up arguing. Our arguments and/or stubbornness stem from her controlling of me. I resent that now. She has already shared a list of things with me that she wants to control, one being my finances. Lord give me strength!!!

I am still in the process of detaching from my mother. She is fighting the detaching process with full force. The excerpt below shares the definition on False Guilt. Something I suffer greatly from and some of you may also.

My mum will try her darnedest today to make me feel guilty about something that I had no part in. The time is approaching soon to really tell her that I am not taking on this false guilt! I am feeling queasy in seeing her today.

Heavenly Father I come before You and thank You for Your atonement of our sins. I choose NOT to take on this false guilt that anyone may put upon me. It is NOT mine to take. It will be a hard stronghold to break, but I am trusting You Father to help me to. Amen!

Have you ever felt guilty? Of course you have, usually because you were indeed guilty. But what about those times when you have feelings of guilt even when you didn't do anything wrong? We would call this false guilt.

Usually a person driven by false guilt is afraid of freedom because in every act of freedom is the possibility of offending someone. Offending someone is unacceptable. Other people are seen as pipelines of approval. If they're offended, the pipeline shuts down.

© 1996 Probe Ministries International

ABRASIVE

Woo-hoo --- had a cool thing happen and a lesson to learn as well.

I went this morning to the first part of an Awakening Conference from 10-1. UNBELIEVABLE AND WHAT A TIME IN THE LORD AND HIS GLORY.

Anyway, I was only planning on staying for the morning session as I really had not been feeling well. So, I went home after the first part. Was in the shower and the Lord spoke to me to go back for the 2:00 Session. "Huh?" Did I hear right? Again I felt such a quickening in my Spirit to return for the Worship part of the afternoon Session. I argued, "God, but my hair is wet and I am tired and my head is pounding." Once again "go back to the 2:00 Session for the Worship part." In my Spirit I felt the Lord wanted me to continue worshipping in prayer and I would know when then to leave.

Lately these unctions I am getting from the Holy Spirit are amazing. Never before so strong. But, in our human frailty we still end up arguing and questioning..... "is this really You Lord talking to me?? Nah, can't be. Is it You? Hello?"

So with wet hair and a quick one bite of a tuna sandwich I went back. Nice thing I only live 5 minutes away from where this event was taking place.

While in Worship the word "abrasive" kept on popping up in my head. I could not understand why. Not until I realized that while I was worshiping and praising the Lord there was this one woman in my row who "chose" to keep getting up from her seat and had to always go past me interrupting my worship to go somewhere then come back after a few minutes. The first few times I was ticked. She could have gone around, but chose the easier route. Then I said to the Lord, What gives? When is she going to let up?" Then in my Spirit I felt, "Until you let her go by you without you grumbling." WO-NELLY!! That stung!

So, the next time she got up, I politely moved away, even smiled at her (a first) and let her pass. I certainly was resistant at first because I am so set in my ways and "how dare you block or interrupt me." But the Lord had to show me first hand and I was raw and ready at that moment to see what I needed to do. Endless times in the past in so many other situations I could have had the opportunity as well, but chose not to. I was stubborn and just plainly did not care. I only thought about "me and my needs." This time I chose to! I was ready. It was a beginning, a small step in this critical area for me. She never got up again after that.

Sure you could construe this woman as being rude. She may have. That was not the point. The Lord had something to deal with me on and using her rudeness He chose.

Right then I knew at any time thereafter I could leave to go home. I felt at peace now. Not soon thereafter I did leave as I was really beginning to feel fatigued.

But, for the Lord to stir my heart to come back and to experience this lesson was interesting. I gave up questioning Him "Why this method Lord? I am sure there is an easier way?"

Obedience played a Big part today with me. (1) Obedience in just going back to the conference, tired and hurting and then (2) obeying the Spirit and not grumbling at an inconvenience.

I found it interesting that that particular word, Abrasive, kept coming up in my Spirit. Then seeing what one of its definitions meant, it makes sense now: "An abrasive is a material, often a mineral, that is used to shape or finish a workpiece through rubbing which leads to part of the workpiece being worn away. While finishing a material often means polishing it to gain a smooth, reflective surface it can also involve roughening as in satin, matte or beaded finishes."

SEND THE RAIN

Hallelujah Lord! I am ready! Send the rain!!!

I'm tired of just the same old thing tradition were in your name I'm tired of a man made worship hour I'm tired I'm tired of a song with no praise where worshipin' you is out of place I'm tired of religious formality I'm tired

Chorus: send the rain send the fire send the wind send the holy ghost in power send the rain send the fire send the wind send the holy ghost in power send the rain

We're ready for revival lord we're ready to walk through that door we're ready lord oh let it pour we're ready lord we're ready lord enough is enough we're ready to drink from your cup we're ready lord oh fill us up we're ready lord

Chorus

FLACK FROM SETTING BOUNDARIES

In t. yesterday we talked mainly about my mother's irrational fears and how all these years I gave into them. As I knew no better. After realizing just how much fear has played in my life, I am astounded. Fear ruled my teenage and adult years. I lived through my mother who is so controlling and fearful, fear seemed normal to me. Fear has been my constant companion.

In the next coming days, weeks or whenever, I will be setting a BIG boundary with my mother. Not looking forward at all to the confrontation and what may result there from.

I believe the other day's incident with the frantic phone calls to me because it was after dark and I did not call her was the "second" to last straw.

I am at a point now that enough is enough. I am tired of having to lie about doing something and I would not be available in order to not have to call her a particular day. I just need the courage to stand up to my fears. God will provided this I know. But, I know without a doubt this confrontation will go down. No doubt! And believe it or not, it is the fearing of the unknown that I fear. The rejection. Due to not having really stood up to my mother the way I am going to have to. Sure, I had my share of milestones these past couple of years. Praise God! Setting some good boundaries which I have grown tremendously from, but what is coming next will be the ultimate.

The devotional below shares what I am going through and certainly what more I can expect from setting boundaries. Some of you may also be experiencing or have experienced the same. If so, may you be encouraged:

We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere. — Beyond Codependency

When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, and change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.

We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.

People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nurture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.

If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you flack.

If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.

We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.

Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.

Hazelden Foundation

By the way, thank you to all who responded to my previous post about my mother having a conniption. I had to re-read some of your comments to really understand and accept that my mother does have issues. That is why I have my t. and you guys who can see what I cannot see and tell me upfront.

CONNIPTION

My mum is up to her ole worried self!!

I felt somewhat good enough to attempt to play tennis last night. I know getting out would do me good. Anyway, she knows I play. We discussed it that morning. She knows that tennis courts have lights. Ummmmm........?????

Now that it gets darker, my mum believes I should not be out after dark. She left me a message on my home answering machine and cell phone last night saying, "I guess you forgot about me and did not call. It is dark out now. Where are you?"

Give me a break!!

When I spoke with her last night she was crying as she thought something happened to me. And naturally she questioned me being out after dark (oh my gosh I feel so much like a child). She will never give this up using the excuse that "she is my mother and she worries about me." Growing up she would not really let me go out after dark. That is why on those rare occasions when I was able to go to a party as a teenager (after dark) at someone else's house, unsupervised, I took advantage of what was offered and lived as much as I could in just those few hours.

She kept on saying that she kept on looking at the clock and it got darker and darker and darker and no phone call from me. She thought the worst!

Lord why me???? She still manages to crush my Spirit.

And how old am I..... I said???? Which never works with her as she constantly uses the line and excuse that my older brother killed himself so she has to worry about me. I do not know what she thinks I plan on doing after dark, killing myself??? Deep issues and fears my mother has. This is what I was brought up on.

I refuse to live this way anymore in fear!!

My mum talks about how much she trust's God. Only if she can help Him along by worrying.

If she only knew half of the things I even do in the daylight and the events and prayer meetings I go to (after dark) and the food shopping I go before daybreak without her permission now she would have a conniption!

****For those of you who are new to my blog and have loving and understanding mothers I commend you. My mother unfortunately can be a controller, serious worrier and guilt/shame thrower. She knows no other way and chooses to continue to live this way. She is very stubborn****

SILENCE

I went to a prayer and worship meeting last night.

Like some of us, I have been under attack this week from the enemy in my physical health.

At the prayer meeting my Spirit was telling me to just sit alone and be silent as best I could. Well, for me that it a hard task these days. The presence of the Holy Spirit becomes so great on me that I cannot sit still. But, I did notice a change in me last night. Maybe because I was not feeling 100% or being obedient to the Lord's asking or the combination of both.

The Lord is continuing to work on deep issues with me. Self worth being the priority. A very painful issue. I realized after leaving the prayer meeting crying and frustrated, that self worth is going to be a toughie for me to break through.

Last night I felt He wanted me just to sit in His presence. However long it may take as well in my personal life. Be silent. Do not expect. Do not try and figure out 'what went wrong to cause me to be like this.' But, to be pleasantly surprised when His goodness happens.

In my Spirit I believe that conquering this stronghold will change multitudes of other struggles that stem from it with me. Obtaining a healthy perspective of myself will be the key for me to really being set free.

And how ironic that today's devotional touches on this topic. Only God, huh?

Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves together."—Thomas Carlyle

Silence does not draw attention to itself. It is the ultimate in letting go and letting be. It is the opposite of the great dramatic event, so we easily forget silence is a basic means by which we grow. We live in a "can do" society that applauds a man of action who gets a job done. Perhaps we learned to think that being alone in silence is empty time with nothing happening.

In truth, some great things happen only by decisive action, but other great things happen only when we get ourselves out of the way and simply allow them to occur. It would be foolish to believe only in action and miss the benefits that come from quiet moments. When we withdraw from the hubbub of the world around us and quiet our minds, we are making room for great things to fashion themselves together.

Today, I will remember the importance of silence in my growth. I will set aside some of my busyness and be still.


Hazelden Foundation

STOPPING OUR PAIN

As the devotional shares on hope, it also shares the destructive roads many of us took in order to survive what we thought would set us free from out painful past.

I retreated. Isolated. Created my own safe fantasy world. Television was my best friend. I became the characters on some shows. Their lives were better than mine.

My adolescent to adult years never produced any close friendships. I did not know how to relate. After my brother sexually abused me around the ages of 8-9, and my parents divorced when I was 11, I was forced to move from Florida soon thereafter with my mother and new step-father and live my teenage years in New York. My mother controlled me, shamed me, did basically everything for me. Said she could not trust me in doing the simplest things, i.e. wash clothes, clean house, etc.

I did have a girl friend early on when I first moved to NY who lived in the same building as I. She was extremely aggressive and she did not have any friends either. So we both were desperate. She used me and I really did not like her at all.

The very few occasions I was allowed to go parties at someone's house in my teens unsupervised, we two would get wasted with whatever was being passed around; later ending up with different guys in the back bedrooms. I was out of my fantasy world on those rare occasions. I so wanted to be part of the real world and not play-act what I saw on television or created in my mind. So I took advantage of what I could at those parties. Only when I was under the influence of drink or pot, I had no fears. Sex was not an obstacle. Being laughed at by my peers had no affect on me. I was living a pain free moment you could say. Only briefly though. Then my fears would return. Fear of boys/men the isolation, depression, anger, shame, guilt, would be ever so present soon there after. I went back into my shell of pain.

In our recovery process we have learned there is a better choice to stop our pain. Facing it. But you are not facing your pain alone.

I pray that this devotional minister to any who are hurting:

There are many sources of pain in our life. Those of us recovering from adult children and codependency issues frequently have a cesspool of unresolved pain from the past. We have feelings, sometimes from early childhood to the present, that either hurt too much to feel or that we had no support and permission to deal with.

There are other inevitable sources of pain in our life too. There is the sadness and grief that comes when we experience change, even good change, as we let go of one part of our life, and begin our journey into the new.

There is pain in recovery, as we begin allowing ourselves to feel while dropping our protective shield of denial.

There is the pain that leads and guides us into better choices for our future.

We have many choices about how to stop this pain. We may have experimented with different options. Compulsive and addictive behaviors stop pain - temporarily. We may have used alcohol, other drugs, relationships, or sex to stop our pain.

We may talk compulsively or compulsively focus on other people and their needs as a way to avoid or stop our pain.

We may use religion to avoid our feelings.

We may resort to denial of how we are feeling to stop our pain.

We may stay so busy that we don't have time to feel. We may use money, exercise, or food to stop our pain.

We have many choices. To survive, we may have used some of these options, only to find that these were Band Aids - temporary pain relievers that did not solve the problem. They did not really stop our pain; they postponed it.

In recovery, there is a better choice about how we may stop pain. We can face it and feel it. When we are ready, with God's help, we can summon the courage to feel the pain, let it go, and let the pain move forward - into a new decision, a better life.

We can stop the behaviors we are doing that cause pain, if that's appropriate. We can make a decision to remove ourselves from situations that cause repeated, similar pain. We can learn the lesson our pain is trying to teach us.

If we are being pelted by pain, there is a lesson. Trust that idea. Something is being worked out in us. The answer will not come from addictive or other compulsive behaviors; we will receive the answer when we feel our feelings.

It takes courage to be willing to stand still and feel what we must feel. Sometimes, we have what seems like endless layers of pain inside us. Pain hurts. Grief hurts. Sadness hurts. It does not feel good. But neither does denying what is already there; neither does living a lifetime with old and new pockets of pain packed, stored, and stacked within.

It will only hurt for a while, no longer than necessary, to heal us. We can trust that if we must feel pain, it is part of healing, and it is good. We can become willing to surrender to and accept the inevitable painful feelings that are a good part of recovery.

Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole.

Hazelden Foundation

REGULATE

My Spirit is coming a live.

My previous post COME ALIVE I shared how my Soul "man" is trying to catch up to my Spiritual "man" in order to feel fully and experience joy, peace and love.

I am finding now since I am being set free each day, at times I feel I have to regulate my enthusiasms and even cockiness in front of people that do not understand or might take offense. Mainly the cockiness. As I can have a rough edge about myself. I am seeing more of little JBR coming out. But, big JBR remains trying to keep her in check. There is a battle. Hard to explain. I just see and know the change and challenges.

Enjoy and be blessed by the three minute video, if you have not already seen it:

COME ALIVE

In t. we went over how my heart has yet to receive the fullness of God's Grace. Right now it is still my head that knows of His Grace, His Forgiveness, His Love...... my heart does not. My heart has shut down many years ago.

Even though I know my heart has been damaged, and there is hope.......I feel sad. I feel sad that I have missed out and missing out on what is available to me fully.

My t. said that my Spiritual "man" is very strong, and that my soul "man" is trying to catch up to my Spiritual "man." Once the two connect then all the above will be blended and freedom will reign and I will be more alive than ever before!!

If you can spare three minutes, let the song Alive minister to you.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY

Encouragement was hard to come by from my parents to us kids. My father was a very critical, mean spirited, and judgemental man. My mother as well along with being super controlling. Unfortunately I carry these traits as well. I am not only hard on others, but extremely hard on myself.

I do not like what I have become and the effects of my parents own brokenness had on me. But the difference here is that I am beginning to recognize their pain and how they only knew how to survive from it.

I desire to change.

Not an easy task when you lived with being criticized, shamed, controlled and judged growing up.

Many of us who have been beaten down verbally, physically, emotionally and even sexually while growing up, may find ourselves striving to be perfectionists. The challenge now for us as adults is to turn this around and desire for excellence instead.

I am learning on those days when I feel I have not accomplished my best, to try and let it go. Continue to pray for strength to do so. Ugh! Not an easy task. No, not at all.

Instead of criticizing and analyzing what I could have done better, to try again tomorrow. God gives that wonderful gift of tomorrow!

Give myself a "pat" on the back for what little JBR has attempted and accomplished thus far. Instead of beating my little one up . . . . . . to nurture her. Encourage her to try again. Tell her tomorrow is another day. Tell her she was not bad. She did good. She can laugh. She is human!

She needs to hear those words from Big JBR.

EMOTIONAL HEALING

My cry to the Lord for healing emotionally has not only been through prayer but with praise and worship. When I am open to Him, I can feel the Holy Spirit doing a healing in my heart.

Lately more of my emotional pain has been brought to the surface. This past week I have been dealing with a lot of anger. Little things still set me off. My perception on some things still confuse me and gets me angry and fearful.

I do know healing takes time.

My Spirit still gets unsettled. Usually then I know He is working with me on something that has to be healed. Most of the time it is revealed to me what is going on.....and sometimes, I am just in the presence of the Lord under the Holy Anointing having NOT A CLUE what He is doing inside of me; but feel the evidence in my body as I have no control.

RECOVERY..........FUN?

Can recovery be fun? I don't think so, some of you may utter.

I have felt that same way as well. I hated my early days of recovery. Facing my fears that had so much emotional pain, confusion, hopelessness, anger, tears. Having all my emotional garbage dug up from all those years of being dormant was not fun at all in order to face my past!! I do not wish that on anyone......

BUT, I am discovering as I am regaining back what was stolen from me as a child from abuse and neglect, the playfulness is emerging once again in little JBR.

Sure, I have and still have to face fears. Deal with some more emotional garbage. Shame and guilt being among the top two. It will take time still. But it will certainly be well worth the pain to gain freedom!

I like what the devotional says, "Recovery teaches us to enjoy life. Our Creator has concocted a world of many pleasures and delights to play in." That statement alone gets me excited. Thank you Lord for this hope.

I am learning to play again. My Spirit is becoming more free as I heal. Are you willing also to play again? To find your lost child?

Our relationship with our God is not all solemnness. Facing the pains and guilts and grief's of our codependent relationships and our addictions might lead us to think recovery is only serious business. Not so!

This program liberates us from the heaviness by facing it. We are not meant to stay stuck there. Recovery teaches us to enjoy life. Our Creator has concocted a world of many pleasures and delights to play in. As we progress in our recovery we learn to let our hair down and play. Some of us have become more able to enjoy good-natured roughhousing with our children. Maybe we have become more free to joke and banter with friends. Our spiritual lives grow with good-natured fun.

I am grateful for the child who still lives in me. He keeps alive my delight in the world.

Hazelden Foundation

CHRIST LIVES WHERE YOUR NIGHTMARES ARE

Many of us suffer from disturbing nightmares. I have been one that has not..... until recently.

My dreams have increased over the past few weeks.

Had a really disturbing nightmare this morning which dealt with total rejection. Rejection is one of my biggest fears. In the dream world, as we know, our nightmares can be so vivid and emotionally disturbing.

This nightmare was a doozey. So bad, that I wanted to end it all in my nightmare because the rejection was so very deep and I did not know how to handle it. I actually found myself shaking myself awake as I was so overcome.

Tried as much to think and meditate on the Word in order to really forget the dream. I did not want to remember. But, for some reason I still can recall the details to the tee just a few hours later even.

I know I have been under attack more than normal these days, so that has a lot to do with it I am sure.

But, what I have learned is that Christ is right in the midst of my nightmare and wants to comfort and reassure me that all is okay despite the attacks of the enemy. Nothing gets past Him without His approval. May not understand His reasoning, but I have to trust Him.

"For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;" Psalm 94:14

WHAT'S UP WITH MONDAYS?

Does anyone else struggle as I do on Mondays?

When Monday rolls around and I am back at work it is like I am literally in a fog. My head feels full. I feel displaced and like a heaviness of oppression is upon me. I think coming off a weekend of worship and praise and going back into the mundane has a lot to do with it.

Thoughts?

REAL

That is what my journey is all about, being real.

There is only one of me. Created to only be me.

And....

There is only one of you. Created to only be you.

God has been mending my broken painful areas within my core for over two years now.

The frighten little JBR still gets frightened when uncertain or has not faced a particular fear; but not as often as before. Little JBR peeks and ventures out more from behind the heavy door she created for self-protection. In doing so more of the real JBR has emerged.

We have a real life of our own. Yes, we do.

That empty feeling, that senses that everyone except us has a life - an important life, a valuable life, a better life - is a remnant from the past. It is also a self-defeating belief that is inaccurate.

We are real. So is our life. Jump into it, and we'll see.

Today, I will live my life and treasure it as mine.

Hazelden Foundation