HOMEWORK DONE?

I was a poor student in school. Knowing now my upbringing, shame, guilt and lack of self worth had a lot to do with it. Most of the time I was in my la-la land to stuff my emotional pain deep inside. My attention span was none. Something out of the ordinary to this day really has to interest me to keep me interested.

I was placed in remedial everything. From reading, history, science, math, English. Only class I excelled in was gym. Most of the time I did not do my homework. Or I copied or cheated (sad to say) from someone. Was hard for me to discipline myself. I was a very sad and depressed teenager. I struggled just to get by and having to deal with what awaited at home daily. A house full of depression and pain where no one talked. Had no friends. A life of isolation. I barely squeaked by graduating high school, right down to that last moment when one of my classes with a grade of D was finally accepted enough for me to receive my High School Diploma.

Life is full of struggles....

Until we learn to stop struggling, the situations we are dealing with will remain. Until we finish the homework, the lessons will be there. If we can keep in mind the purpose of our struggles in life is for us to grow and to make a better us and that we have the best Tutor who is more powerful than us to help us along then no problem will be too much for us to handle.

The struggles that keep popping up we learn in the devotional below are not really new. Just another aspect of them. The tears and emotional turmoil I am experiencing while I type this post stirring up some bad memories, is just another form of a struggle that I need to work through on my journey:

No struggle we have is really new. It's another shade of the struggle that plagued us last week or perhaps last year. And we'll stumble again and again until we learn to quit struggling. The trying situations at work, or the personality type that irritates us, will always exist. But when we've come to accept as good and growth-enhancing all situations and all persons, we'll sense the subtle absence of struggle. We'll realize that the person we couldn't tolerate has become a friend. The situation we couldn't handle is resolved, forever.

The lessons we need to learn keep presenting themselves, until we've finished the homework. If we sense a struggle today, we can look at it as an assignment, one that is meant for our growth. We can remember that our struggles represent our opportunities to grow. Fortunately, the program has given us a tutor. We have a willing teacher to help us. We need to move on, to be open to other assignments. No problem will be too much for us to handle.

I will enjoy my role as student today. I will be grateful for all opportunities to grow. They make possible my very special contribution in this life.

Hazelden Foundation

***Update*** I AM MOVING

Well not me alone.

My department had a meeting with the President and Vice President of the company I work for this afternoon. My department consists of 10 individuals. We were told, and an official announcement will be made to the other 65 people tomorrow morning at devotions, that are department "alone" will have to move within the next couple of months two cities away in order that our company keeps their status plus the non-profit status with a particular Diocese. Everyone else will remain where they are at.

I work for a non-profit Catholic organization. This was a blow to us all. The attorney for the Diocese says we have to establish a physical headquarters in that particular city and have at least 10 full time employees there to keep our status.

My only selfish gripe is that now I will not be just two miles away from work, I will be 15-20 miles one way. But, right now this is the only option. I know a couple of others were not too pleased with the news and started crying.

If this happened a couple of years ago I would not feel so excited about the opportunity. I am in a better place emotionally. I am willing to trust God in this move. Sure, I rather be close and just fall out of bed and go to work. I will have to definitely get new tires for my car. There will certainly be some adjusting. We will feel isolated. We will be separate from the others. Somehow that does not bother me. It bothers a couple of others though. Hmmmmmm

I will be curious of the reactions tomorrow from the rest of my co-workers.

Now you know for darn sure I am not going to tell my mum until the time comes closer. If I did, I would not live to see the day I move. She would have me in a psych ward with all the possible scenarios that could go wrong by driving further and yes, even driving at night! She will not understand why I have to go with them.

I guess the new year stretching and stepping out into the unknown has already begun.

Lord it is in Your hands!

* * * * Update * * * *

I may have sounded more positive yesterday, but I had time to process now. I am still okay with the move.....

But.....

The enemy woke me up out of a sleep and I felt such oppression come over me. Had to leave a light on. He threw every possible negative thought that could go wrong with this move. Including my mum having a fit and dying because of it. Irrational crap.

Satan is trying to destroy our organization. We are a strong organization. In a time of recession, we keep on hiring people. We did not come into this problem until the recent change of “so called power” in the higher ups who has a reputation of not liking “organizations such as ours.” So in order to save our company, we have to go this route by law. Not saying we were breaking the law before, but it was not an issue to keep our status until now.

Still God can change this man’s mind and we do not have to go this route. Whatever the outcome, He is always in control.

GRIPPING THE HAND OF MY SAVIOR

Since the beginning of November to now my hunger for God has increased. Many of the church activities that I would be normally attending to be filled and replenish by His Spirit were now closing for the holidays. I have been feeling very dry and more depressed than normal these last 60 days. Feel like a fish out of water, gasping for my last breath. Satan took every opportunity to try and destroy my will. I have had some really rough days. Having the holidays, and cooler weather did not help matters any for me with memories and desires gone by.

Still I was able to find through my pain the opportunity to actually listen to what God wanted to impress on my heart for the New Year. I was open. The time alone with Him, the heart ache and pain He and I discussed did not go unnoticed as well.

The new year could promise to be the best for me.

God has placed a very special opportunity and impressed on my heart to take advantage of. Do not know the full details. Although one thing was made clear, He requires the breaking of my will even more and stepping out into the unknown. Say what? There will be sacrifices, hurts (shame, guilt), tears and even rejection. Oh Lord!! It will be like trusting God like I have never ever done before!!! I will be totally relying on His strength.

The new year will be a BIG stretch for me.

Growing pains into a better, more confident and worthy person. Not relying on what man thinks and not partaking in gossip. I really want to choose to honor God.

Right now it sounds like it is "all about me," which it is. But, until I can learn to like then love myself, I then will be able to reach out to others. Right now I feel the Lord has to deal with me first.

I will undoubtedly be gripping the hand of my Savior much harder than ever! Glad He is God. If it were anyone else, I would break every bone in their hand.

SEXUALITY

***MAY TRIGGER****
Desiring one day to be involved in a healthy intimate relationship is a goal for me. When I reflect back over my life, the sexual abuse and my upbringing kept me in what was a "safe survival rut." A rut that I stayed in for so many years. I was scared. I am still scared to this day to step out and engage in a possible opposite-sex relationship. Friendship at this point. I still have not reached the point of feeling safe and being myself fully. There is a lot of major healing needed in this area.

I spent most of my life basically alone. Doing things by myself. The once in a blue moon boyfriends I had, did not last. And the few men I dated (count on one hand) wanted much more from me, which I could not give. Emotionally I am still not capable as well. So feeling unfamiliar and frighten in intimacy panics me. Fight or flight syndrome.

If a boy/man took interest in me, I would have an anxiety attack inside. Could become ill. I feared being over powered and defenseless. Being sexually abused. To this day I still am messed up with understanding what love is and that sex is not the main focal point to a marriage.

The times I had sex as a teenager I felt disconnected. Fearful. Shame. Sex became too frightening, painful and demanding soon thereafter. Seems I was more vulnerable as a teenager. I was taken advantage of. I wanted to fit in. Have a boy like me. I did not know any better. I was immature. Very naive. I could not relate. Just react. There was no intimacy. The majority of my sexual experiences happened on school property, on the ground in a stairwell, etc. Very awkward. Both of us very inexperienced. Not a very romantic setting. Praising God to this day that nothing serious happened to me.

What I experienced back then sexually does not mean I will experience the same hopefully one day again. As I work through some issues and become more comfortable with myself and with who I am, then there is the likelihood of healing in this area. To begin to understand what a relationship really is. That there is someone else involved with desires, hurts, and goals. Not a one sided relationship.

I know there is more to a relationship than sex. Basically sex is all I could base a relationship on since I have never really been in a serious relationship and am only going on from what I have experienced. It grieves and angers me terribly that I may never get the experience of actually loving someone and sharing my life with them. If I never get married. I can only pray that reclaiming my sexuality at least would be worth it even if I never act on it again. Ugh.

Sorry for such a post. I am not in a good place at the moment. The holiday's can get a grip on me at this time.

OK TO FEEL

I shut down my feelings early on in my child hood. The sexual abuse from my older brother, the fear, neglect, shame, criticism, guilt I felt from both my parents, I quickly learned in my household not to express certain emotions. Except fear. That seemed to be the only feeling I did not shut off. My mum reeked from fear of the unknown. You saw it on her face. You heard it in her voice. My heart was very vulnerable and took on her irrational fears as well. Something I am battling daily now in my life to break free from.

My father was an absentee father. Present in body, but not emotionally. Playing outside all day as a tom-boy with my friends filled my empty void. Filled the lack of nurturing from both my parents.

The evenings I do not recall my father being around much. Both my parents were alcoholics and heavy Camel cigarette smokers. My mum supported us. My dad could not hold down a job. He became bored very easily and drank. When I came home from school I would always find my dad asleep with beer cans and porno magazines surrounding him. That was the reason for their major verbal arguments which eventually led to their divorce when I was 10 and splitting up our family. Then I had to deal with my mum remarrying within a couple of months and then me having to move away from familiarity with her to a new surrounding and living with a man who I have never met and having to be told to like him. My other brother remaining with my father and my oldest brother who was in Vietnam at the time having not only to deal with the war but his family breakup. Oh yeah! I shut down my feelings. I shut everything out. I was in emotional pain. I was in my own emotional fear. My whole life came to an abrupt halt at such a young age. To this day, I have been in a constant state of anxiety resulting in fear most of my life. When I wake up until I go to bed. My body really has never experienced relaxation.

Since in recovery I am discovering feelings. Most right now painful. But they are feelings nevertheless. When I am in the Spirit that is a total different feeling. A good one. I had to open myself up to feel in order to go through my pain.

And. . . . .

It's okay to have and feel our feelings - all of them.

Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we've lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived.

Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations. We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy, and love. We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too. Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.

But times have changed. It is okay now for us to acknowledge and accept our emotions. We don't need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to allow our emotions to control us; neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings. Our emotional center is a valuable part of us. It's connected to our physical well being, our thinking, and our spirituality.

Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct. They enable us to give and receive love.

We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings. It means we're becoming healthy and whole.

Today, I will allow myself to recognize and accept whatever feelings pass through me. Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself.

Hazelden Foundation.

DEATH SENTENCE ***MAY TRIGGER***

* * * * MAY TRIGGER * * * *
The Lord is allowing painful "fearful" circumstances to come up in my life in order to deal with them. As most of you know I come from an extreme fear based upbringing. My mum the root cause of most of her and my irrational fears.

Although I have been in the process of working through my fears, I have a long way to go. Not realizing just how MUCH of a strong hold some of my worst fears are when it comes mainly to my physical body. Grant it, I do react irrationally with other things as well. But when it comes to my physical body that is a major trigger. That being said, any thing out of the ordinary that appears on my body or pain, I automatically go from A to Z (as my t. says). From life right to death. This was no more evident then last Thursday when something appeared on my body that was not there before. A mass. I have no idea how long it was there or if it just appeared?

Just to let you see how my mind works. I will attempt to explain exactly what went on last Thursday morning. When I discovered a mass on my arm at work within a split second I convinced myself I was going to die. I accepted death right then and there. No question about it. Only thing I wanted to change at that moment was I did not want to prolong my death sentence. I was desperate! Was not thinking clearly. Irrational. I was having a panic attack. I contemplated how I would end my life right at that moment. How I would do it. Who would find me. At my place of work even. I saw no hope. I saw no fight in me. I wanted to die. I did not care. I was so overcome with fear. I literally felt the blood drain from my body. I started sweating profusely and then I had diarrhea all within five minutes of seeing this mass. I skipped right from A to Z. I put a death sentence on something that I did not even have checked out. In reality it is more than likely a reaction to my "journey process," allergic, hive etc.

When stuff like this happens to me (last time I was so overwhelmed with fear was three years ago) I would be in a panic for days. I could not eat nor sleep. Consumed with worry is putting it lightly. No one would ever know what hell I was putting myself through mentally and emotionally. No one! I had no one to talk to. Total irrational thinking.

I felt alone. Frighten. Confused. The end. It is like I completely forget I have an awesome God, a Comforter, Someone I can go to in prayer. I personally take on my own emotional pain and suffer by myself. I think the worst. I loose all little hope that I have. After days and weeks passed, somehow I would manage to get through, thoughts of killing myself would subside...... until next time.

I had to get a handle on myself. I ended up in the bathroom (no one was in there at the time) and slumped to the floor and started sobbing and crying out, "not again" over and over. Trying to reassure myself that I would be okay. I did not want to go through the fear! Had an emotional breakdown. For the first time through this chaos I became pissed, angry and blamed my irrational fears on my mum.

When my mind became more lucid towards the end of the day after reasoning and constantly talking to myself that this was NOT a life threatening matter and sharing briefly with someone at work, I knew I could not pass up the opportunity to also share this extreme fear in t. later on that day. Otherwise, I do not think I could have. Only because I would not be able to share the intensity of this situation as it unfolded that day. I believe God had His hand in revealing my extreme fear in order to discuss it with my t. and then we could begin to work on this area. I am glad that I did. I knew I needed to.

GETTING WELL

Our journey to healing will be a life long process.

The daily temptations from the enemy to thwart our healing will NEVER ease up. In fact the closer we come to our goal, the more pressure the enemy will put on us. We become even a big threat. We will always be tempted in life. As we become stronger in believing who we are and stronger in relying upon God. The enemy will never give up. But our God is bigger!

So, yes our journey to healing will be a continuous process regardless. A battle for our freedom. A battle that I am willing to fight for!

I have a God who will meet my emotional and spiritual needs. When I feel defeated and tempted to throw in the towel, when I am yelling at the top of my lungs, "No I Have Had Enough I Cannot Do This The Pain Is Unbearable," I know my God will pick me up to run the course again. He is running right along side of me. I am determined to get through this hard month! I am determined to have a better new year than last! I am determined to get well!

Our recovery is always in process; it is never completed. If we think for a minute that we have conquered our disease and no longer have to consider it that is the time when we are in danger of slipping. Getting well is what we will be doing for the rest of our lives. Fortunately, we have guidelines and a fellowship to support us.

We are not required to think about our abuses, our disease twenty-four hours a day.

Getting well is an adventure. We have moved out of the repetitious rut of past habits and are reaching into the unknown. There are times when we are anxious and fearful that we will not be able to make it. We are not alone. There is a God that guides us and an organization of friends who sustain us. The process of getting well is a privilege and a gift.

Thank You for the process of getting well.

Hazelden Foundation

THE REAL ME

This is what the journey is all about. The hope, the freedom, the realness of being me!!!

Emotionally difficult day for me today.

The emotional pain is real. The tears are real, and I know my God is real as well! And He will get me to my destination!

May the song bless you.

FEARS

I grew up in a household riddled with fear by my mum. My dad was not this way. I do not know how he handled her with all her worries. When I became older he would make comments to me that "my mother" was a worrier. So I know he knew.

These past few days, my mum's worries have intensified and she has been trying to put them on me. For the longest time she has been having a dull pain in her side along with other symptoms. It would come and go. She thinks it is her gallbladder. Her last doctors appointment she was told to have a colonoscopy. She does not want to go through that procedure. I know it is not fun.

When she feels any kind of physical pain she goes right to the millions of medical books she has and reads up on her symptoms and then believes she has the problem. Then proceeds to tell me and how worried she is, she is going to die, and that I should be concerned as well. Telling me to keep my cell phone on so I would know if she had to go to the hospital. She is now contemplating going to the doctor to have that procedure done. But, not until after the holidays.

The old JBR wants to rush over to her and worry along side of her. Take the day off from work. I used to do that.

Guilt still settles in with me during these times. "What kind of daughter am I?" "Why am I not responding to her fears?" "It will be my fault if she dies." But, I know I would only be feeding into her fears and mine as well.

She gets angry at me when I say, "have you prayed and given your fears to the Lord." Her reply is, "I can't help it. I am worried." (Hmmmm sounds familiar) I agree with her "yes, I understand you are worried, but you also need to tell God that too and ask that He comfort you."

I used to pray at times with my mum when she would feel very frighten. Only then to hear from her lips still how scared she was and she does not know what to do. I then would think to myself..... "didn't we just pray?" So I really have not prayed with my mum in a very long time because she becomes very negative once again.

This morning when we spoke, she proceeded to tell me she was up all night because she was fearful and that dull pain came back, but now it is gone. I felt led, even though I did not want to, to pray for her. I did. And like clock work she went right back into her fears bringing me along with her unfortunately.

I feel I have been very weak spiritually these past few weeks, so my defenses have been down. But I am glad to say at least, God and I have a plan in this area and I look forward to it.

In the meanwhile.....

After I hung up with her this morning I became fearful more than normal. I quickly fell to my knees and asked God to comfort me. Telling Him that I am listening and that He open my mum's heart to listen as well. I even had to turn most of my lights on in my apt. (still dark outside). I have done this a few times when I feel I am oppressed by the enemy. It is like a very evil heavy cloud. Having the lights on helps and pleading the Blood of Jesus.

I did not plan to go into such a long intro in order to share the devotional below. The "What If's." I do not want to take on the responsibilities of my mum's fears!!!

The last paragraph is very powerful and I am personally praying it today: "Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary."


What if we knew for certain that everything we're worried about today will work out fine?

What if . . . we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?

What if . . . we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?

What if . . . we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in our life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?

What if . . . we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?

What if . . . we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?

What if . . . we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?

We'd be free to let go and enjoy life.

Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.

Hazelden Foundation

FREEING

I do not know where I am getting the inspiration or desire to blog all of a sudden.... but glad that I can. So I will seize the moment as I can quickly turn the other way emotionally and lose the desire all of a sudden. Not good.

While in recovery, these past two years I have never shared so much personal pain with anyone in my life as I have. Only because in the past I was in denial and so fearful. I felt I could not relate. Had no friends. No self worth. I was scared to death to share anything about me for fear of being shamed, judged and criticized. I have opened up somewhat to a couple of individuals I can trust. But, not to the extent that I share with my t.

And even after a couple of years, deep pain continues to surface in my sessions. Painful issues to me that I would not think important only because I had become immune to the hurt, but in actuality is important. A part of me that feels normal, but really is not. Emotional issues still being brought to light. To work on and be set free from.

I have become more willing to let God heal my broken areas. More willing to trust.

And it is true, as the devotional says, "it becomes freeing to know there are others who share my same fears." I am not alone. We can learn and benefit from one another's journey.

I am on a quest to becoming more "set free" come next year. Slowly but surely I am getting there:


"There were deep secrets, hidden in my heart, never said for fear others would scoff or sneer. At last I can reveal my sufferings, for the strength I once felt in silence has lost all its power." — Deidra Sarault

There is magic in sharing ourselves with someone else. We learn from Steps Four and Five that what we thought were heinous acts are not unusual. Our shameful acts are not unique, and this discovery is our gift when we risk exposure.

Realizing how much we are like others gives us strength, and the program paves the way for us to capture that strength whenever and wherever we sense our need. Secrets block us from others and thus from God too. The messages we need to hear, the guidance offered by God, can't be received when we close ourselves off from the caring persons in our lives. They are the carriers of God's message.

How freeing to know we share the same fears, the same worries. Offering our story to someone else may be the very encouragement she needs at this time. Each of us profits from the sharing of a story. We need to recognize and celebrate our "sameness." When we share ourselves, we are bonded. Bonding combines our strength.

Silence divides us. It diminishes our strength. Yet all the strength we need awaits us. I will let someone else know me today.

Hazelden Foundation

***UPDATE*** MY COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY

I was just now reminded about our Christmas party at work today starting at noon. I completely forgot. Had other stuff on my mind. Even though this is not as bad as what I attended on Friday at my mums, still it is hard for me. Please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.

Is it January yet???

* * * * * * UPDATE* * * * * *

Thank you for your prayers. For some reason, this year the party was over quicker. We ate at a restaurant, buffet style. The president said his usual Christmas speech. Then let us go home after two hours, and that was it. In the four years I have been employed there, this was by far the quickest Christmas party ever. I am certainly not going to complain.

It felt different this year. Maybe because we have grown tremendously. When I first started there were only about 25 employees. In the four years since I have been there we have grown close to 80. It lost something. Too big. Felt commercial.

TOO MUCH

Struggling. I could not stay for church today. Too much Christmas music and feeling out of place. Feel out of sorts. Do not do well during this time of year. Depressed.

Thank you everyone. I am ok. I may take a few days off from blogging though.

CONFRONTATION

Thank you to all who responded to my last post.

These past few days have been hard for me. Processing and crying out to God.

Part of my struggle was last night. I was committed to go with my mum to her annual office Christmas Party. I cannot tell you how much I did NOT WANT TO GO!!! I was so negative and resentful about having to sit through four hours with people I do not even work with. Listening to conversations that totally bore the living-day-lights out of me along with slimy jokes and put on a "pretend I am having a good time mask." Only good thing was the meal. I prayed ahead of time that I would have favor. By the Grace of God I managed to get through the evening.

Even before us going to the party, my mum left two panicking phone messages for me because I did not arrive "right on time to pick her up." (Grant it we were not going to leave until another 30 minutes) And when I walked in I was greeted with tears in her eyes, "Oh thank God you're alive!" Her hand clutching her chest. I said, "what are you talking about?" Her reply, "You did not come on time?" I said, "On time? I just got out of work. I had to change and then I just came over." I then said, "I am not taking this guilt you are trying to lay on me." Her normal response was, "I can't help it! I worry about you." I then said, "that is your problem."

So that is how we started our evening out. The usual. Her worrying about something and always thinking the worst.

My t. and I discussed beforehand that I try and go with a positive attitude to at least survive the evening.

My mum, who did not feel pain after having her fourth glass of Chardonnay even stood up at one point and told one of her off-color jokes to about 40 people that attended. I was feeling pretty confident at one point early on too (after a drink) and turned to my mum and said, "I am not attending the Christmas Eve service at church with you this year." By now she was feeling pretty good herself and said, "Oh no? Why not?" I proceeded to tell her that I had other plans. She then said, "but you're coming for Christmas Day right? I said "yes." So that was it....... I thought....

So this morning, when I spoke with her. . . first thing out of her mouth was a snippy statement, "So you're not going to Christmas Eve Service with me, huh?" I said, "correct." Then she replied, "Then you are coming to dinner on Christmas Day." Not asking would I like to, just saying..... "you are coming."

Regardless, I confronted her. Got what I wanted. Set another boundary.

SELF EXPLANATORY

This is how I feel.....

In T. a lot was revealed tonight.....

Although I was assured what transpired was okay, I am having right now a very difficult time handling what happened emotionally.

Little JBR was so evident tonight.

Trusting God to help me sort and process.

WORTHY OF COMPLIMENTS

I find it extremely difficult still to accept a compliment from anyone. Growing up in an environment where I was shamed, put down, judged, criticized, laughed at, called stupid, left damaging effects. I certainly did not think I deserved anything. Or believed I would amount to anything.

Even though I am aware what my upbringing has caused me now, it is nevertheless still hard to believe I am so worthy of a praise. I continue to work on who I am and who I am in Christ. Work through my shame and guilt issues. Work on believing that I do deserve compliments. That I am worthy.

In the devotional below, the author shares how some of us just may feel that we do not deserve such attention and then make excuses. I am good at that.

Despite having trouble believing that I do deserve the compliment, I am getting better at least saying a quick "thank you." Now if I can look at the person and keep their gaze for two seconds when I reply "thank you," then that will be more of an improvement:

We sometimes find it difficult to accept a compliment. We may feel we don't deserve such attention, and point out reasons why the compliment is untrue. When we act this way, we show a lack of love for ourselves.

God teaches us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Yet, before we can love anyone, we must believe we are worthy of the same love. No creature is undeserving of love, God reminds us of that. We can stop hiding behind feelings of unworthiness. There's nothing stopping us but ourselves. Sometimes it takes courage to say thank you when we get a compliment. Let's exercise that courage, and each time we do, we'll find our self-love growing.

When I thank people today, will I have the courage to smile, too?

Hazelden Foundation

ARE YOU WILLING?

How willing are you to embrace what God puts in your path? In order to be fully alive? The good along with the bad? Your pain from past abuse. Suffering and sorrow in the midst of joy and laughter? To be complete in God. To become more like Him?

Yes, just how willing are you?

Sheila Walsh a gifted inspirational communicator, author, speaker, worship leader, television talk show host, and Bible teacher, shares on this topic below:

Suffering and sorrow are never welcome guests. They take us by surprise and squeeze our hearts, but I believe they are necessary to make the melody of our lives complete. It's possible to try to live your life in one color, protecting our self from the full spectrum of human experience, but the sounds that emerge are a little hollow and one-dimensional.

We were made for the joy and laughter of the major keys and also for the pain and tears of the minor. Part of being fully alive to God is being willing to embrace all that he puts in our path. That includes the unexpected stones that scrape our souls, so that we can become more like him.

When I study the life of Christ, I sense a deep, rich symphony ascending to the heart of God-using every note and inflection. This is what we, too, were made for.

Sheila Walsh

INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

I have difficulty in engaging in any type of intimate relationship. I hold a lot of fear and shame in this area. I run away before anything becomes serious. I lack the confidence in who I am and fear that I am going to be hurt both emotionally and sexually.

Being sexually abused by my older brother at 8/9; my parents divorcing when I was 10; being forced to move away from my father, brothers, friends and hometown with my mum who quickly re-married before the ink dried on the divorce papers.

My whole little life was in an uproar. I hurt. I had no one to talk to. My mum was just filling her needs to be married again and have someone. But, I did not know how to express my hurt except to turn it within. I felt angry, abandoned by my father and neglected emotionally. I hurt deeply for my father's love. I shut down.

While growing up, my mum did all the correcting. Criticized, shamed and judged me. Both my father and step-father had no part in disciplining me. She ruled the roost!

At times I was blamed for things that I was not responsible for. Shamed for expressing hurt. Shamed for not doing things properly the way "mummie wanted it done." I missed my father terribly and desired so much for his attention. Even unto his death, I felt so distant from my father as he laid in a coma.

Even though I can at times have somewhat of a distorted view of God (who I have projected to be my earthly father), my perception of Him is changing for the better. The more I come before Him, the more the Holy Spirit ministers to my pain, my emotions and my mindset.

I look forward to the day of total freedom and actually feeling His love for me!!

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."Hebrews 4:16

Many of us find it very difficult to feel confident in intimate relationships. If we learned early in life that the people most important to us were unapproachable, then confidently approaching others as adults may be difficult. There are many ways to learn that approaching other people is dangerous. It can come from abuse, or criticism, or disinterest.

One result of experiences of this kind is that we find it difficult to be confident when we approach God. This is particularly true when we are feeling fragile, weak or needy. The last thing we expect is mercy and grace in our time of need. We expect to be criticized. We expect God to say 'why are you still so needy?'. We expect to be abandoned. We expect God to say 'I'm busy now.' We expect to be rejected. We expect God to say 'If only you had more faith or prayed more or read the Bible more or trusted me more.' With expectations like this, it is no surprise that we lack confidence when approaching God.

But God offers us an invitation we long to hear. He invites us to approach. And, God invites us to come with confidence. God will pay attention. God will hear us. God will be interested in our well-being. God will respond with mercy, grace and help.

I don't have much confidence, Lord.
I don't trust other people very much .
I don't trust you very much.
I don't expect mercy and grace
from anybody, especially in times when I'm this needy.
I expect criticism, abandonment, and rejection.

Thank you for inviting me to come to you.
Thank you for providing good reasons to have confidence in you.
You are full of mercy and grace.

This is a time of need for me, Lord.
Give me confidence to approach you today.
I need your mercy and grace.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

EMOTIONS NEED RECOGNITION

In t. yesterday, with God's guidance, I believe we found the answer as to why I get so angry and annoyed at the co-worker who I cannot stand to be around. (see post below)

She is displaying "blatantly" just who she is. She is showing that she is very needy, has wants, desires in getting attention any way she can by being loud, controlling, obnoxious, just to name a few. Regardless, she is being real in her own neediness.

But why does this bother me so much???

Because I was NOT allowed to be myself having little girl needs growing up. I learned early on that crying was not permitted when I got hurt. I was told not to cry. To stop! I feared I did something wrong. How dare I.

I thought about it later on. . . . I cannot recall crying by myself even as a little girl, alone. I remember just turning inward my pain and creating a fantasy world in my mind to survive. Probably why I have difficulty crying in front of anyone now-a-days. Talking back or having an opinion was not permitted. I was ignored as well. Especially from my father. So I learned quickly to stuff my "pain." Not to appear needy. Not to ask for help.

So, that is why I resent the fact and get so upset with this woman at work who can "freely" display her attempts to feed her pain. Something I was not allowed to do. I missed out on expressing my emotions as a child.

She does have boundary issues as well. Something I struggle with setting up gracefully at times. But I am getting there. So, this is part of my growing as I heal in dealing with her. When I do interact with her and she jumps verbally on me, I need to set a boundary... step back and excuse myself from her presence.

THIS WILL TAKE TIME!

The devotional is powerful as well. Please take time to read it:

Emotions need recognition. But not only attention; they also need acceptance as powerful dimensions of who we are. Their influence over who we are capable of becoming is mighty.

Respectful attention and willing acceptance of our emotions, whether fear or anger or hateful jealousy, takes away their sting. We can prevent them from growing larger than they are. Like a child who screams and misbehaves more and more fiercely until attention is won, our emotions grow larger and more intense the longer we deny their existence.

Our emotions bless us, in reality. They enrich our experiences. They serve as guideposts on the road we're traveling. How we "feel" at any single moment flags the level of our security, how close we are to our higher power, the level of our commitment to the program. They serve us well when acknowledged. On the other hand, when ignored or denied, they can immobilize us, even defeat us.

My feelings frequent my being, always. They steer my behavior. They reflect my attitudes. They hint at my closeness to God.

Hazelden Foundation

SING MY LOVE

Last night at a worship service, they sung this song. Even though it was hard for me to sing about "love" and mean it, I still was blessed nevertheless. The Holy Spirit's presence understood my pain during this time.

Sing My Love

Words can never say the way he says my name
He calls me lovely
No one ever sees the way he looks at me
He sees me holy
Words can never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me
Oh, heaven holds me

(Chorus)
Can't hold my love back from you
Can't hold my love back from you
I've gotta sing
I've gotta sing
Sing my love
To you Jesus yeah

(Verse 2)
You will not believe the way he touches me
He burns right through me
I could not forget every word he said
He always knew me
Earth could never hold this love that burns my soul
Heaven holds me
Oh, heaven holds me
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(Chorus)

(Verse 2)

Oh, nothings gonna stand in the way
Nothing can get in the way of the love tonight

Oh praise the Lord, praise the Lord
My soul makes, makes its boast, in the Lord

GET SERVICE

I guarantee you will relate to this video. It is not a musical. Touching.

I can so identify with this guy in the video. How about you?

Blessings.

***UPDATE*** I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!

* * * * UPDATE * * * *

Well God provided the opportunity this morning for me to be the first to say “hello.” As much as I felt forced to, I still did it. Did NOT want to!! And like clockwork and what I expected from her was like a lion jumping on its prey. She just started babbling and yapping at me. I have no clue what she said, as it is was nonsense. Just an attention getter. Then I said, "I have to go." Later on she finds me again (which bugged me) and tried again yapping. I walked away saying I have to work. I HATE BEING PUT THROUGH THIS TRIAL!

* * * * Story Below * * * *
I am really fighting with God this morning.

Fighting with Him for what He wants me to do with regards to a co-worker that I go out of my way to ignore and not even acknowledge them. They have not done a thing to me. But their personality and what they represent "in my eyes" irks and turns me off. The sight of them triggers repulse.

Since Monday, the Holy Spirit has been prompting me to be the first to say "hello" to them. They constantly go out of their way if they see me (which I could be all the way down the hall) and yell to me "Good morning or hello." This freaks me out and angers me even more!

I have avoided for the past year looking at them, being in their presence and talking to them. But, God continues to "put her" in my way. Encounters in the hallways, bathroom, stairwells, everywhere. The encounters have increased lately. So, I know He means business for me to let go and trust Him and the time is now to break free and then be able to move on to the next step He has for me in my life.

I even had the opportunity to of said "hi" yesterday to her first, but I refused. I said NO NO NO God!!

She is an individual that seeks attention and will try and get it any way she can. That is probably the main reason why I have difficulty in accepting her for who she is. She is a user. I was and can still be a user. Something I Do Not Like In Myself. I do not want her to get in my space and think we can be buddy-buddy now.

But, I believe now I am strong enough that I can set those boundaries and at least give her a "hi" and then tell her to back off (nicely) when she begins to try and suck the life out of me for her needs.

So, today is a new day. I DO NOT WANT TO DO WHAT THE SPIRIT IS ASKING OF ME! But, at the same time, I know if I do, freedom awaits.

Whether the encounter happens today or in the days coming.... God Give Me The Strength and boldness to do this.

I am not a happy camper right now. I do NOT want to go through with this first step. This is going to have to be All Of You God, because I cannot do this alone. I do not want to be friendly! But, Lord I will obey the prompting of the Spirit. May not like it at first. But, I am trusting You that You have my best interest in mind!