YET ANOTHER ATTACK

Today while stepping out around lunch time to go home early from work as I was just not feeling well, in the clear blue sky I looked up and saw a Sky-Writer finish the words, "Trust Jesus." Little did I know I would have to put this to the test a few hours later.

Short while ago I got off the phone with my mum who proceeded to tell me she fell in her apartment. This is the second time she fell. She fell once before in the parking lot. That one was worse where she hit her face.

My mum lives alone. Stubborn woman. Tile floors. I was against her putting tile down a few years back, but she insisted. She is 84. Anyway she landed on her hip. Yes the hip. Did not break anything this time. Thank you Lord. Scared her though. But not enough to change. She could not get up. Finally did. She still refuses to get a "life alert" or anything like that. Will not use a cane. Too proud.

She said she did not want to go to the hospital. She insists she did not break anything.

And of course I had to listen to her extreme fears and at the same time I am trying to be sympathetic I was also trying to claim that I needed to trust Jesus here. Because it is so very easy for me to tailspin into fear. I am on the verge of it. But I think I am more concerned at this moment. My emotional state and physical body have been bombarded these past couple of weeks now. When I get overwhelmed at these times I feel I am ready to breakdown.

Am I responsible for her? Sure I worry about her. Will always worry about her. But, I really have to leave "my fears" and that is what they are "my fears" (she has her own and I do not want to claim them) in the Lord's hands. I really am going to have to plead the blood of Jesus over my thoughts and attacks from the enemy. I need to keep my sanity. Truly what they say, "The Battlefield Is In The Mind."

At these times I feel so very alone and frighten. I become so very little. I feel I cannot take on any more.

And as little as JBR feels, she will go on with the Lord's help and direction.

Next....

UNEASINESS

There is a tremendous amount of uneasiness an uncertainty stirring in my spirit. Probably because I Do Not Want to go to work this morning. Facing the unknown. I want to stay in bed. Hide under the covers. Not face what lies ahead. Afraid. Sure I can use the excuse I am still under the weather. Not 100 percent.......

Even though I really do not suffer really big time from OCD, I have my moments when I really become obsessed. Yesterday was certainly one of them.

Joyce Meyer's devotional is encouraging to me as I head back out into the real world after being bombarded by illness, exhaustion, fear, panic attacks, you name it, I encountered it.

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have survived these past couple of weeks. Had some scary moments. The enemy has been alive and well.

JBR had some time to be seriously alone with her Creator these last few days. Showing her now how some of her weaknesses have become strengths relationally. And it is time to put them to use in order to combat some of the fears from her past.

Stepping out into a higher level. JBR does not want to live such a narrow fearful life as she has. JBR wants to be ruled by courage and not fear. And when those times of attack come. And THEY WILL COME. Trusting her Savior to be right there to comfort her immediate fears and remind her He has her in His arms and they will walk her challenges out together. In Him she can give her deepest fears and have them replaced with courage.

Are you doing what you really believe you should be doing at this stage in your life, or have you allowed fear and a lack of confidence to prevent you from stepping out into new things—or higher levels of old things? If you don’t like your answer, then let me give you some good news: It is never too late to begin again! Don’t spend one more day living a narrow life that has room for only you and your fears. Make a decision right now that you will learn to live boldly, aggressively, and confidently. Don’t let fear rule you any longer.

It’s important to note that you can’t just sit around and wait for fear to go away. You will have to feel the fear and take action anyway. Or, as John Wayne put it, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.” In other words, courage is not the absence of fear; it is action in the presence of fear. Bold people do what they know they should do—not what they feel like doing.

Lord, show me any narrowness in my life and help me to take the steps of faith that break the rule of fear over my life. Amen.


From the book The Confident Woman: Devotions for Each Day of the Year by Joyce Meyer.

FIND OUR TIMOTHY'S

It is the first day feeling good enough to at least read. Picked up The Recovery Bible this morning and I came across the relationship of Timothy and Paul.

Timothy was never known as a strong leader. A timid and fearful man. One who did not like to confront people. Despite his weaknesses, God used Timothy.

Timothy was known to be faithful and persevere in his ministry despite his fears. A man of integrity. Faithful. A good friend.

Paul encouraged Timothy to speak only the truth, and to discipline himself. Take personal inventory and correct anything that was a detriment. Stay in good spiritual and emotional condition in order to receive the help from God.

"Recovery requires that we allow people into our life for both support and accountability. We need to ask God for "Timothys"-people who have integrity, who can be trusted, and who will stand by us through anything. When we find our Timothys, we will be better equipped to face the trials of recovery." (The Recovery Bible)

"Recovery always takes place in the context of relationships. So taking our personal inventory in the recovery process must lead us to make improvements in how we relate to others. We may not be in a position of leadership, but we are always an example to others. When we are taking inventory on a regular basis, everyone wins: We do because we grow; other do because they are encouraged. A successful recovery will lead to the healing of our broken relationships." (The Recovery Bible)

I relate to Timothy.

PRAYER

Please keep me in your prayers. I have come down with a fever and a throat on fire. Thanks.

LIFE'S LESSONS

Wow I want to thank all of you who responded to yesterday's post. Even people who are first time visitors. My heart is truly truly touched. Thank you.

And wouldn't you know it, I find in today's devotional something that can ride on the coat tails from yesterday's lesson at work.

Not saying it was easy for me when my boss was reprimanding me. One of my first reactions in my mind as she was telling me was "why God?" Sure I had to blame it on Him. It is not my fault. Yeah right. As I had done yesterday after a few seconds I began taking those negative thoughts captive the devil began planting in my brain of shame, guilt, fear and condemnation. I even woke up a couple of times during the night and Satan was right there condemning me. But, even in my slumber I FINALLY learned to take those negative thoughts captive. Even still this morning I am still battling from time to time what transpired yesterday. Ugh. And at the same time both the JBR's are trying to console one another. That is progress in itself. Not An Easy Task! Especially for a beginner.

So, when I read this perfectly timed devotional this morning I wanted to share. Apparently God thought I was ready for yesterday's lesson. As much as I did not at the time. Not all lessons are pleasant. This was one of them.

So, I am learning I cannot argue with God's time table. I am also learning I am not perfect. What? Not perfect? Come on!

The devotional below certainly applies not only to my life, but to all of our lives:


"The time of discipline began. Each of us the pupil of whichever one of us could best teach what each of us needed to learn." —Maria Isabel Barreno

"When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears." Life's lessons often come unexpectedly. They come, nevertheless, and they come according to a timeframe that is Divine. As we grow emotionally and spiritually, we are readied for further lessons for which teachers will appear. Perhaps the teacher will be a loving relationship, a difficult loss, or a truant child. The time of learning is seldom free from pain and questioning. But from these experiences and what they can teach us, we are ready to learn. As we are ready, they come.

We all enjoy the easy times when the sailing is smooth, when all is well, when we are feeling no pain. And these periods serve a purpose. They shore us up for the lessons which carry us to a stronger recovery, to a stronger sense of ourselves. To understand that all is well, throughout the learning process, is the basic lesson we need to learn. All is well. The teacher is the guide up the next rung of the ladder.

Let me be grateful for my lessons today and know that all is well.

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

NURTURING LITTLE JBR

I am learning to face my fears from the past with God's help and individuals He has put in my path that I can trust.

Today I was put to the test to REALLY nurture little JBR. Out of the almost 4 years I have been working for the company I work for, today was the second time ever my boss was a bit firm with me. In my absence of last week an incident came up where if I was more diligent in a certain area of my job, she would not have gone through a struggle in rectifying a situation.

Anyway, I first went right into shame and guilt mode. I felt my life was over with. She will reject me. I will be fired. Then I had to change my thinking process. As she was still telling me stuff, I was saying to myself, "it is okay. You will be alright." I had to remind myself I am human. I am NOT perfect!!!! I make mistakes. She is NOT going to reject me. Little JBR does not need to beat up on herself.

In the end everything turned out okay. Just a hassle and frustration on my bosses part. Which could have been prevented if I did what I was told to do a while back.

Even though little JBR felt she was thrown back some 40 years when mummie would scold her, big JBR showed some improvement and took care of the little one. We were able to get through the day not feeling as much shame, guilt and condemnation as we have in the past about ourselves. Big JBR accepted responsibility and did not blame the little one as much. Although we did have our moments. But, we are improving.

WHAT IS YOUR GUILT

False guilt and shame have been my best friend most my life. Having believed what my brother did to me was "my fault" when he sexually abused me around the ages of 8-9 still persists at times. During that same time period, I was trying to cope with my parents alcoholic behaviors, the lack of my father's attention, my mother's controlling issues and their verbal attacks against one another which eventually led up to them divorcing when I was ten. My fault? Ripping our family apart. Ripping my life apart.

No one had answers for what I was going through at the time. Not that I was seeking any. No one helped me process the trauma I was going through. I just swallowed all my emotions and kept them locked up for many years.

I was a very quiet child. To the point of extreme shyness. Many times around report card day, my mother would be called in by some concerned school teacher. My poor grades and lack of attention, drive and discipline reflected what ever was going on inside me that I would not let out.

I was later yelled at by my parents to pay attention and get better grades. Had tutors to no avail. Went to summer school three years in a row in order to get my high school diploma. Having to take classes over and over again. Was driven by guilt and shame and being called stupid.

My mum to this day tries to bestow false guilt and shame on me. She gets angry when I do not respond the way she has been used to me responding. Which was giving in. Complying.

Have not been back to work since last Wednesday. Going back today. A few times I even had to fight false guilt with thinking I was not in pain enough to warrant taking care of myself and not going to work. Even to the point where I fear I will not have a job when I walk in this morning.

What is your guilt? Unfortunately most of my life my friend has been the second one listed below. As you will see and possibly relate as well.

But I have been on the road to turning that around. Having my friend eventually be the first one mentioned below:


Are you in an emotional battle because of guilt? Is your guilt a loving instrument of God used to convict, correct and conform your character when you go astray? Or do you battle feelings of shame and condemnation when guilt strikes a blow to your heart? True guilt is your friend, a godly companion who whispers truth and motivates you to repent and be free. But false guilt is a relentless foe. It is the enemy within that encourages not godly, but superficial sorrow that brings death!

In contrast to Satan’s condemning accusations, the Holy Spirit never condemns true Christians. Romans 8:1 says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” As a conscientious Father, God sometimes allows you to experience the consequences of your sin as an encouragement to change. But He will also produce in your heart a desire to do His will. (Read Hebrews 12:4-11.)

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” (Philippians 2:13)

Meet two kinds of guilt: One is a friend who speaks truth, gently leading you to repentance and forgiveness. The other is a secret conspirator who taunts and condemns, bringing dishonor and inner shame. False guilt arises when you blame yourself even though you’ve committed no wrong or when you continue to blame yourself after you have confessed and turned from your sin. “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

(Hope For The Hurting Heart)

YOU HOLD ME NOW

I have a pretty good high tolerance for pain. These past few days I reached my limit. This song and its words comforts me.

VERSE 1:
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

PRE CHORUS 1:
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

CHORUS:
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

VERSE 2:
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

PRE CHORUS 2:
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

BRIDGE:
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name

DEAD DOG TIRED and IN PAIN

I have not been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks. When I come home from work, many a time I go right to bed. So exhausted. But only to wake up a few hours later. Only to find it is hard to go back to sleep. I struggle.

Going to try a different approach and force myself to at least stay up a couple of hours after work. Anyway....

I forced myself to go to worship last night at church. I was exhausted. Also have a muscle spasm in my back toward the lower side which is excruciating and kept me up most of the night in pain. I have had this before and it will take a few days to work itself out. I usually have a high tolerance for pain. Muscle spasms are really painful. I see stars. End up curling up in a ball to stretch it out. It feels good for a few seconds, ahhhhhhh then within a few seconds I can feel it become tight again with pain.

Knew something was different this time than last week at church. I could only mouthed the words to the Worship songs. I was to burnt out. Had no energy. After about half hour, I could not take any more so I left. Only reason why I forced myself to go as I wanted to be in His presence and worship. I also live close by. So, I could leave and be home in five minutes if I needed to.

I needed to.

When I am extremely tired, my mind is clouded. I do not know how I arrived at home. But, I found myself at one point waiting to cross an intersection. I had the stop sign and cars were coming in both directions. Somehow I ended up in the middle of the road thinking I could cross while cars were coming right at me. Horns were blaring. I was wondering, "who are the honking at?" It was me!! Only the Heavenly Angels protected me and got me to the other side without being hit and home.

I have not been this tired in a long time. I was even too tired to even get scared after wards. You know when your adrenalin kicks in after you realize you could have almost been killed. Does not bother me even now. Just as well.

So, the moral of the story is, God is in control. If He still needs you around He will protect you. And also, do not leave home if you are dead dog tired and in terrible pain.

CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE RESOURCES

I have found out, being a child of sexual abuse myself, that it can brainwash those of us into believing we are unlovable. Back when I was repeatedly sexually abused in the 1960's by my older brother, there were no resources or places to go to. Not like today where there are a ton of books, counseling centers and stricter laws enforced. But that still is not enough. Childhood sexual abuse continues. Ironically enough even more rampant. Unfortunately.

To this day I know there are a lot of us who still have a problem with God and why He did not stop the abuse. The anger! Very understandable. I know this can be very hard to get past. I hear you.

Still, I wanted to share a few Christian books that deal with childhood sexual abuse. Their forwards seem interesting enough. The hope. No denial. Talks about God's unconditional love. How running into the arms of Jesus helps in receiving emotional support and security:


Listen to the Cry of the Child: The Deafening Silence of Sexual Abuse
By Barbara J. Hansen

The pain of sexual abuse is often concealed by those who carry its scars. Chained as prisoners of the past, many hide in secrecy afraid of the consequences of revealing the horrors of childhood experiences. On the surface they may seem carefree and happy, yet inside a festering wound exists. The only road to freedom from this prison requires confronting the past and revealing its pain in the light. Barbara Hansen knows the anguish of sexual abuse, pornography, infertility, postpartum depression, and marriage betrayal. once trapped in her own prison of anger and bitterness, she was finally set free through the grace of God. Her story provides hope for the hopeless and healing for those willing to face the past and be released.


In the Tears of a Wounded Child
By Coco Mullins

Enter into the true-life story of a young girl's struggle to battle one of man's darkest sides: child abuse. See how God provides for her and guards her spirit as she goes through tremendous tragedy and the insanity of what she knows as childhood. Coco has no idea of His presence in the basement while she tries to hang on tightly to her own little corner. Walk with her through her journey as she struggles with bitterness, denial, and the big question: "Why?" Find where God takes her in this story as He bottles all of her tears, only to replace them with true joy and happiness of His endless love. Go with her as she shares those events and explains some of life's hardest questions. Who knows, maybe you or someone you know will have their tears turned into joy.


The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse
By Dan Allender

Almost everyone knows a victim of childhood sexual abuse; it has no religious or social boundaries. And sexual abuse is probably the most ''soul-deadening'' trauma there is. For adult victims, here is a way out of the rage, fear, and confusion. For their spouses, families, friends, and counselors, here are specific ways you can help the healing process. With Christ, there is indeed hope for the wounded heart. With a foreword by Dr. Larry Crabb. 255 pages, softcover from NavPress.

WHOSE EXPECTATIONS?

When I read the below devotional this morning it coincided with what my pastor said this past Sonday on how a lot of us wear different masks in order to feel good and to be accepted.

He also went on to say how there is so much freedom if we would take off our masks. Expose the real you. Do no worry what others think. Know that you do not have to get your self worth from others in order to feel good and be accepted. Your self worth comes from Christ alone. Sure, we should encourage one another in a healthy way. But, do not depend on one another to make us feel worthy.

More and more each day, I am getting closer to having Christ be the center of my life. Will take time though. I still find myself valuing what others think of me. Trying to gain their approval.

My dependency on having people like me was very important through out most my life. Growing up in a critical and judgmental atmosphere which brought tremendous shame, guilt and condemnation, made me strive to be someone I was not. Be a plastic printout. I became what I thought others wanted me to be. I did not want to be wrong. I wanted to please. I did not want people to see my flaws. My pain. Did not want to be criticized or God forbid make a mistake. Show my imperfections. I did not want to be HURT or laughed at. I just thought I would be accepted if I was this perfect person I pretended to be.

I was never ever the real me. I had no opinion, no boundaries, no say in anything. I let people control me. Walk over me. Put me down. Shame me. Use me. Criticize me. I would always agree with the other party or knew them well enough to suggest what "they" wanted. Never what I wanted. The pain of all the put downs, sneers, shaming fingers pointing at me, took their toll on my belief system.

Things are beginning to change now. Hallelujah! I have my days where I still find myself wearing a mask, usually the incident is quick lived and realized by the "real me" and then I adjust. I am not really a plastic printout any more. What you see of me now, is the real deal.

“We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.” 1 Thessalonians 2:4

Pleasing God is possible because he has no unrealistic expectations. He just expects us to be the person he created us to be. This is not only feasible, but reachable because it is natural. When we try to please people, we are attempting to accomplish the impossible. How do we decide which human being to satisfy or placate — a parent, a child, the boss, our spouse, a friend, the pastor, a neighbor, a sibling? Each of these persons has a different image of us and often their expectations are not consistent with our personality, gifts or talents. Trying to be everything others want is a crazy-maker.

Cooperating with our Creator to become the person he planned us to be, will release us to freedom. God knows what is in our hearts. When he “tests” our hearts, he brings forth what is best in us. When we allow God to guide in the quest to become our true selves, we please him. He understands us and expects us only to fulfill our God-given talents and gifts. This is a natural process of spiritual, mental, social, and emotional growth. Just for today are you willing to cooperate with

Lord, I want to please you by becoming the genuine “me” you had in mind when I was born. Instruct me.

Copyright 2011 Joan C. Webb

MY FUTURE WILL BE HEALTHIER THAN MY PAST

I heard the above statement the other day.

I am claiming it for my life.

How about you?

WORDS ARE CONTAINERS FOR POWER

In lieu of my rambling post from yesterday, replacing old negative thoughts with new positive ones certainly can be a challenge. Doing just this is part of my journey's process to healing. The enemy throws negative thoughts my way. So negative they make up how I behave and what I think about myself and others and God. My brain is on overload with such negativity and goes in so many different directions.

Words are containers for power. Either good or bad. Words can either build up or pull down. I heard mainly negative words growing up. Living with such negativity most my life, and when happiness or joy tried to creep in, would only be pushed out quickly. Would have no place for such positivity in JBR's world. Constant reaffirmed negative messages from my parents, peers, teachers then believing it myself just how awful I am, I cannot do anything, I will amount to nothing, how stupid, makes me want to continue to strive for perfection (which I cannot), be co-dependent (which I DO NOT WANT) etc.

Although difficult, I am trying to replace my negative thoughts with healthy positive ones. IT IS A CHOICE! I HAVE THE CHOICE TO DO THIS. I HAVE THE CHOICE TO believe I am worthy. I have a purpose. Believing I have a right to an opinion. I am not this awful person that I was told. I do not have to carry on the shame, guilt and condemnation from my past.

One thing I am attempting to do is meditate more on Scripture (such as below) which remind me how God is in charge and who I am in Christ:

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

I do not have to take on the negative hurtful words that people say to me. I can push the STOP button to the tapes playing in my head and change out their messages to healthier messages.

JBR'S DESPERATION RAMBLINGS

Dad, I do not even know how to word this. That is why I entitled the post Desperation Ramblings. So I am going to ramble now......

I am very tired today physically and emotionally. So, I am not in the best space at the moment, thus the ramble.

My mind feels mentally shut down some what. I did not want to be at work. I do not like Monday's. I did not want to face some of Your created beings at work. I have trouble dealing with myself when I am this way. I do not even want to be with myself. But, that is kind of hard not to, huh?

My plea is of desperation to finish this course. To finally arrive. I still beat up on myself in the way I respond to life's problems, to people that still get my goat, to how I behave. I question my motives. I question my actions. I question others motives and actions their falseness. Very tiresome. I just want to give my thoughts, frustrations, false guilt,shame, rejection to You. Not care what people think of me! Stop analyzing all this crap that I see, experience and process.

My prayers have been so general in the past. Since growing closer to You, specifics is what I am sensing I need to pray about now. To have answered prayers.

I can be as high as a kite in Your presence one moment and then hit what seems like rock bottom the next. A Jekyll and Hyde affect. I understand I live in this fallen world, and there is nothing I can do about it, except to call upon Your grace to help me through.

I am tired of wanting to get "my feel goods" from people. But I still try! People can be so unpredictable, hurtful, vengeful, and just plain nasty. But You never change. No You never change. Why can't I just have You in my life only? Why can't You be tangible? I want to feel You. Why can't I feel You? I want to be left alone. I don't want to be left alone. I want to be more disciplined. I want to feel good emotionally and physically. Why do I have to deal with these people You created, including myself? I want to scream, cry, yell, throw something!

This is how I felt last week in t.,(bursting out of my skin) although visible to my t., so expressing my emotions going every which way by blogging about them is harder.

Thank You for Your mercies Lord Jesus which are new every morning. I look forward to tomorrow.

But.....

Life sometimes does suck.

FEELINGS FREEZE MODE

"Some of us may have made a decision that no one was ever going to hurt us again. We may automatically go on "feelings freeze mode" when faced with emotional pain. Or, we may terminate a relationship the first time we feel hurt. Hurt feelings are a part of life, relationships, and recovery. It is understandable that we don't want to feel any more pain. Many of us have had more than our share, in fact, at some time in our life, we may have been overwhelmed, crushed, or stopped in our tracks by the amount of pain we felt. We may not have had the resources to cope with our pain or take care of ourselves." Hazelton Foundation

You know in reading the above devotional excerpt this morning, something really struck me for the very first time. I had to re-read the paragraph a couple of times to make sure I was feeling what I was reading. Really look into its meaning. For me it may mean something different than to you.

The opening sentence especially referring to that "no one was ever going to hurt me again." I have heard people say it about themselves. I have even said it many times. But, for the first time, it dawned on me that when I saw this phrase now, I can only put this together with my sexual abuse when it comes to the Feelings Freeze Mode.

For the most part on my journey I have been facing the majority of my issues in t. and working through them.

Sure I shut down my emotions for other painful reasons as a child. But, have been slowly healing daily.

Though, in the freeze mode I still shut down the emotional pain and sheer panic of intimacy by running away. Figuratively and in reality. I am so afraid of being hurt emotionally and physically, not being able to relate, etc. Facing this pain, the shame and its fears are particularly hard for me!

THE LOVE CHURCH

Went to what I call the Love Church last night. I made reference to this church in a few posts back where I stated that it is difficult for me to worship at this particular church because they do a lot of songs about God's love. But, in that same post I mentioned how the Lord would like for me to step beyond my comfort zone and go, even if I cannot feel His love, but let His Spirit and the Body of Christ minister to me.

My body and mind have been exhausted these past few weeks, and the enemy gave me that excuse to use to get out of going. But, it made me even more determined to go. My Spirit has been so dried. I wanted to be fed. I wanted to be among others praising God, lifting my voice unto Him!

Only thing I have to keep in mind is that I am not a teenager any more. I kind of over did it a bit with jumping around praising. My exhaustion really caught up to me quickly.

And yes love songs were played and sung. I did okay. A few shaky moments, but I gave my anxiety and fears to the Lord.

There was one particular song they sang which was "Sing My Love" by Jesus Culture. They sang this same song the first time I went to the Love Church two months ago. I had no problem singing this song and welcomed it. I have been playing it daily since then (it is the first song on my play list at the bottom of my blog below).

The Spiritual side of my journey to healing is critical. It is the most important part to my freedom. I cannot and would not leave this part out in telling my story.

So, I am glad I went last night. Exhausted and all. Being obedient to the Lord makes all the difference. And in time my endurance and stamina will be replenished and I will be able to last longer.

INSIDE MY SKIN

At times I still find myself saying, "I wish it were all over." The "it" being my journey.

Discovering now I am at some kind of new level of emotional pain. As discussed yesterday in t., I am more than ever connected to my feelings and desires that were shut down so long ago. I have fully come out of denial. Coming alive. But, I am hurting internally much more.

These last couple of months have been difficult for me. I am very frustrated and tired. Frustrated with myself. With my journey's progress. Frustrated with what goes on inside my skin where I believe only God and I know for sure what I am experiencing. Have so many emotions, hurts, frustrations, fears, irritations, doubts etc. coming at me from all different directions. I feel I am going to bust. Emotions playing on my thinking. Distorting. Difficult to express in words to another human being.

But.....for any of you out there who are going through t. and experience what I am talking about, even though you may not think no one understands, I was encouraged to talk and try to explain what I was feeling to my t. It does help. I managed to say something along with the statement that "what I am feeling they would not be able to understand fully."

Going through emotional pain to regain freedom is hard. I do amaze myself that I have such determination. Only because I want back what was taken away from me. I do not want to lay claim to the shame, guilt, condemnation that I took on because of my dysfunctional upbringing.

Some times my heartfelt pain is overwhelming that I find myself going fetal still. My deep wounds surface. The flood gates open.

So, I will continue to press on. Whatever painful obstacles still remain on my journey to freedom that may hamper me, I will be reminded that Jesus faced the same temptation to want to quit. No one but no one was able to actually feel what He experienced for all of us. Talk about no one understanding what goes on inside your skin. Can you imagine if He did not want to face the cross.

LORD WHY DID YOU MAKE THEM?

Yesterday when I came home from work and I was looking for something just outside my kitchen, when I hear a plop into my stainless steel sink. Sometimes my dish rag would fall into the sink and make a noise. But this was a different noise. A noise I have heard before that I dread!!! But, I thought to myself.....nah, it is still light out. I said a quick prayer, "Lord please do not let it be what I think it is." Sure enough my curiosity and fear got the best of me and I went in and there it was. A gigantic Palmetto Bug (cockroach) flapping its wings staring right up at me. I could have sworn it was smiling.

After I screamed and returned back into the kitchen, I proceeded to chase that bugger around with bug spray. I cannot step on them. That would totally gross me out and I would have a heart attack hearing the crunch. So I doused that sucker with the spray that eventually does its thing then picked it up in wads and wads of toilet paper and gave it a water burial. I have no clue where this post is going except to share I hate Palmetto Bugs and the incident still bothers me!!!!!!

HIDDENNESS

The excerpt below is posted all around my apartment and even at my work station. It is a constant reminder how tough hiddenness can be. At the same time what a wonderful quality to our spiritual life.

Even after coming off on Tuesday with doing my devotional for the company, and feeling pretty darn good about myself, knowing very well I could not have done what I did without the Holy Spirit, I am still reminded how frail and human I am.

Sure the accolades felt good. And the encouragement was welcomed. And I am grateful. But....depending on people's opinions and responses to me is NOT what I desire to seek after as my source to life. To make me feel worthy. To make me feel good about myself. Too painful. People hurt. People are broken. People will ALWAYS let you down! No matter how good you think someone is. We are human. We have flaws.

I desire my hiddenness to be a place of intimacy with my God. To keep my focus on Him. He will never let me down. Sure,it is hard to trust. Very hard. Especially for those of us who have been ignored, rejected, abandoned and shamed in life. I want to experience God's love. I want to experience the Joy He promises. Human's I gather can only give so much love. I am not an expert in this area. We cannot depend on one another to fill that void of intimacy. Only Christ can. Only hiding in Him can fill that void in going before Him with our pain and praises.

I mediate on the below daily. I hope you can be blessed by the words as well:

Hiddenness is an essential quality of the spiritual life. Solitude, silence, ordinary tasks, being with people without great agendas, sleeping, eating, working, playing … all of that without being different from others, that is the life that Jesus lived and the life he asks us to live.

It is in hiddenness that we, like Jesus, can increase “in wisdom, in stature, and in favour with God and with people” (Luke 2:51). It is in hiddenness that we can find a true intimacy with God and a true love for people.

Even during his active ministry, Jesus continued to return to hidden places to be alone with God. If we don’t have a hidden life with God, our public life for God cannot bear fruit.

One of the reasons that hiddenness is such an important aspect of the spiritual life is that it keeps us focused on God. In hiddenness we do not receive human acclamation, admiration, support, or encouragement. In hiddenness we have to go to God with our sorrows and joys and trust that God will give us what we most need.

In our society we are inclined to avoid hiddenness. We want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be useful to others and influence the course of events. But as we become visible and popular, we quickly grow dependent on people and their responses and easily lose touch with God, the true source of our being. Hiddenness is the place of purification. In hiddenness we find our true selves.

by Henri Nouwen

A WONDERFUL BLESSING

My devotional was well received yesterday morning. The Holy Spirit impressed upon my heart to read what I shared in my previous post and to sing the song Jesus Bring The Rain. I had a full house. 65 people.

Out of all the times I have sung a song (this time I did it solo. I usually print the words up for everyone to sing along, but the Spirit told me not to) and did a devotional, plus prayer, this one seemed to touch many hearts. Even the President, who always sits next to the person who has to do the devotional, turned to me afterward and said this was so very timely. I know he is under a lot of pressure with trying to find a building for our department to move in so we can keep our 501c3 status. And then anyone I met in the hallway basically said the same thing and some even had tears in their eyes.

At times like this, which are rare, I know so well that I am being used by God. JBR knows too well that she could not do what she did apart from God. It is such a wonderful feeling. I want to feel good about myself. I want so much to be used more by Him. Because all my life I believed I was a nobody. A nobody that would not amount to much.

I had to say "thank you" so many times yesterday. Was hard for me to accept that kind of praise. Even though I give God the glory regardless. He was just using me to bless others. But, it was hard to reply back "you're welcome" without feeling unworthy. But I did.

Thank You Lord for yesterday and the opportunity to be used to touch the hearts of my co-workers.

CRITICAL SPIRIT

Last night after I hung up on my mum (would not tolerate her) because she once again began to criticize, judged and shame me into believing, and her words exactly, "how awful of a person I am" that I did not return my brother's Happy New Year telephone call, I realized how damaging her words over the years to me have had an effect on me.

She would criticize what I wore, how I looked, how I spoke, how I carried myself, how I would do something, etc. My father was critical as well. Both my parents not only criticized us kids, but each other.

I have carried on this characteristic as well. For that is all I knew and believed about myself. I not only could be critical of myself but of others as well. Only difference now, is I am in the process of believing that I am NOT this awful person and I realize how painful hurtful words can be and I want to put a stop to it. I continue to be a work in process. Will take time.

The phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" couldn't be further from the truth. Words can be catastrophic, tearing through your heart like a tornado roaring down a residential street. While there may not be any visible destruction, the damage to your spirit can be just as devastating as a row of demolished homes.

Although the initial sting of harsh words is evident, you may be unaware of the lingering effects. Overly critical words leave you with hurt feelings and a poor self-image. Being wounded by someone with a critical spirit often changes how you see yourself. God holds us all accountable for how we use our words − especially the ones that hurt. Critical words don't come from a wise heart, nor do they reflect God's heart. Only He can heal your spirit and teach you how to respond to criticism. He's waiting to enrich your heart with encouragement, both for your good and for the good of others.

Hope for the Heart

THROUGH THE STORMS

Tomorrow morning will be my turn at work to do devotions for the company. Jesus Bring The Rain will be the song of choice for me to play on my guitar and sing.

I will also be sharing this short devotional I copied from the internet:

A dog is known as man's best friend. Obedient through training to the point that no matter where the Master goes, so to must the animal follow. Always happy when the Master comes to see them, bringing nourishment for both daily need as well as reward, so a faithful dog follows...without knowing WHERE they're headed.

So the Master sees ahead of us, does HE not? HE sees the Storm approaching where we stand and watches for our reaction. Whimpering, complaining, distressing are but versions of virus-like Worry. More importantly, we cannot hear HIM...when we are so engaged with negative thoughts. Truly the crisis may look grim. Surely the view given by earthly Sight might be no lighter than the depths of a black hole in space. But! 'Tis no matter! Once more I remind my own flesh! Be still and watch the hand of GOD! Be still without augmenting HIS words with your contrasting doubts. Do not say "We cannot make it without YOU, LORD!" HE knows! Rather state fact! "Thank YOU for delivering us in YOUR perfect timing! Hallelujah! We praise YOU, LORD JESUS! Yes! Amen and Amen.

LOVE

Did not think I would be posting on this subject any time soon. Who would of thought?

NOT ME!

Just before the holiday's began a couple of months ago, I sensed in my Spirit that the Lord wanted to begin some other avenue of deep emotional healing in me.

The last few days since I have been off from work and not preoccupied by the pressures of my job and people I work with. The Lord has been impressing upon me even more strongly that when I am in His presence worshiping and the songs talk about His love, this is the time for me not to close my heart to the message. Not to run away.

That is what I have been doing. Afraid to listen. Afraid to commit. Afraid to trust Him. The unknown. Not understanding what His love really is like. I have never experienced a healthy kind of love. So I shut down in this area out of fear.

He wants me to stop running. He wants for me to hear. To feel. To experience. HOWEVER LONG IT MAY TAKE. Even if I do not right away sing along with the song(s) to at least listen to them. Let the words minister to me. No matter how uncomfortable I am feeling.

There is one church I have also been attending that basically does a lot of "love based" worship songs. It has been hard for me at times to worship there.

This will certainly be a challenge. Even typing this post is making me extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable. I am scared. Because my mind is saying, "NO," but my heart is truly breaking to feel His love. My heart aches. Hurts terribly! There has been an emptiness, a hole for so long.

I gather He is letting me experience the route of music first. He knows I enjoy praise and worship so much.

Later on the reward hopefully would be not only to feel His love, His JOY, but to return it to Him! Then be able to share His love with others.

Accepting, even now, when "sincere" people tell me they love me or sign off with love, for me not to reject their love or turn a deaf ear. You guys have been even great with doing this. And I am getting better with accepting your appreciation for me.

Oh but still so difficult at times.

I hope I made sense????