DESPERATE CRY OUT!!!!

I am going to try and explain this the best I can. How I am feeling inside. How desperate I want to change!!!!!

My plea to the Lord for the past couple of days has been to reverse the unbelievable feelings I have when it comes to pleasing people. The rituals I go through. The amount of energy I exhibit. And the amount of energy I contain. The emotional pain which consist of infatuation, frustration, desire, anger, willingness, submission etc. in trying to reach my goal to get someone's attention. To be noticed. To feel worth.

Some of you may not understand this sickness, but there is such a powerful drive that can totally rule you and even ruin you in trying to win "love" and "attention." It is a very painful emotional disease you could call it. A very severe stronghold. It can drive you to do things you would NEVER think you would do in a million years...... but you do. Out of sheer desperation for acceptance and what you think at the time is love. You test those dangerous waters. Then you take the plunge. Only to worry about the consequences later. And to be hurt in the end.

I have FINALLY come to the place in my journey of 'truly' asking God to reverse this drive within me. The strong feelings and attachments that go along with people pleasing, I desire these feelings to turn around completely and be directed at the Lord! I am tired!!! I want this pain to be over with. I want to please Him. Get my worth from Him alone!!!!

I know I have made great strides in this area, since t. Working on some difficult areas, facing some difficult pain, guilt and condemnation that were not mine. Understanding I was reacting out of my own emotional baggage and pain. But the Holy Spirit is moving more rapidly and deeper within me as I give Him freedom that the desire to change is becoming more intense!!!

Even though He states He already loves me (something I am still working on feeling and reciprocating) and has my best interest, I want the struggle of me trying to win the affection of others to stop all together. And have healthy desires concentrating affectionately for Him alone. Do a complete 360! Is that possible????

I want to be able to just love him. I want to experience authentic love, without trying to get it in another way. I want to be able to hold my head up and be confident in who I was created to be. Getting my self-worth not from people, but from my God.


Lord help me!!

ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE NURTURED

Both my parents, especially my father, was not able to offer emotionally what a daughter needed growing up. I grew up with criticism. My mum to this day thought she was showing love by being over protective, fearful and controlling.

Thus it is difficult for me to accept attention, kindness, love from people who honestly want to give to me. And even from my own self. I really do not do anything "for myself."

Many times I think there is some strings attached to people being kind to me. I go to analyzing. I do not trust. I do not not allow people to respond to me.

Shame overcomes me. A sense of unworthiness floods my soul. Hard to comprehend that I am "just that important" to others and especially to God.

But I am!

I am confessing it here. That I am important. Worthy to be loved.

Wo! Did I say that? Feels weird.

Whether I fully believe this or not right now makes no difference. I will continue to push on and press on and confess whether I feel worthy or not that.... I am important.

The shame I feel has put up a good fight against the love I so deserve. It has been an endless battle. But I believe it is a battle that will be won one day by love.

Time will tell. And it may be sooner than I think.......

Let yourself be nurtured and loved. Let people be there for you. Allow yourself to be held when it would feel good. Let someone listen to you, support and encourage you when you need that. Receive comfort from someone's physical presence when you need that. Allow yourself to be supported emotionally and cared about.

For too long, we've stood in the background, attending to the needs of others and claiming we have no needs of our own. We've shut off, for to long, the part of us that longs to be nurtured.

It is time, now, to claim those needs, to identify them, and to understand that we deserve to have them met.

What are our needs? What would feel good? What kinds of ways would we like others to nurture and support us? The clearer we can be about our needs, the greater the possibility they will be met.

Hugs. A listening ear. Support. Encouragement. The physical and emotional presence of people who care about us. Doesn't that sound good? Tempting?

No matter how long we've been recovering, we never outgrow our need for nurturing and love.

Today, I will open to recognizing my needs for nurturing. I will be open to the needs of those around me too. I can begin taking a nurturing, loving attitude toward myself and by taking responsibility for my needs in relationships.

Hazelden Foundation

By-the-way, thank you for your prayers. I took Melatonin last night. Was able to sleep better. Still had my moments though. Will need to watch this.

CAN'T SLEEP

This seems to be my M.O. these past couple of weeks. Only getting, 2-4 hours of sleep some nights and then exhausted, agitated and emotionally weak the next couple of days. Also, suffering from a headache as well.

My mind is so active that I cannot shut down. Never had this before. I feel wasted.

One good thing though I can report, ever since I threatened the Census Bureau guy by calling 911 if they do not leave me alone, who kept on calling me last weekend and then coming to my door on Sunday to follow up on the stupid survey I did not want to participate in to begin with, I have not heard a peep from anyone. I am just waiting for them now to come and arrest me or something for not complying to their survey.

BIG GIRL RESPONSIBILITIES

When I read this devotional this morning, Boom I could relate.

This is how it was in my household growing up. My mum would end up doing mainly everything for me. My opinion never mattered. My desires were squashed. Either I did not do "things" to her liking; her irrational fear I would get hurt (depending on what it was); lack of assurance with whatever the project was. To this day she is the same way.

It was like I never learned how to walk on my own. Now I am. And that is what is confusing my mum these days. Me being able to do what I should have learned to do a long time ago on my own. Be responsible. Me finally being a Big Girl.

My mum flat out did not trust me with learning I suppose. Extremely over protective. There were times she would not let me play outside as a kid because she feared I would get hurt. I loved to play. That was my passion. My escape. I remember, I must have been around 8 or 9 and literally fighting her with my arms flaring because I was denied playing with my friends football outside. She repeatedly slapped me in the face because I challenged her. Wagging her finger at me.

My dad saw the signs. I would get conflicting signals from him questioning me "why I can't do certain things?" Scolding me. He then making me out to be incompetent in his own way, like my mum was doing as well by withholding me from learning every day things, i.e. cooking, cleaning, putting things together, washing, etc.

After a while I just gave up and gave in. That is why some things are hard for me to venture out in today. Social skills being one of them:

Once there was a little girl who was learning to walk. The trouble was, her mother wouldn't let her fall down. Every time she was about to fall, her mother would rush over and catch her.

It was hard to learn how to walk if she couldn't fall down, but the girl was too little to be able to tell her mother. Her mother thought she was taking care of her when in fact she was keeping her from learning to take care of herself. Letting her fall would have shown trust in the child, trust that she could get up. It would have taught her that she wasn't so fragile that she couldn't recover if she hurt herself.

We are all like this mother once in a while, protecting one another from important lessons in life. This doesn't mean we have to let someone get seriously hurt, but that we allow each other the freedom to learn and grow in individual ways.

What will I be able to learn from my little stumbles today?

Hazelden Foundation.

WHAT IS IT?

I have been struggling for the longest time trying to put my finger on what constantly makes me so very depressed, sad and unhappy with my life. I live with such a heaviness most of the time. Sleeping, that is if I am not disturbed by the enemy, is where I find peace most.

Yes, I can say my past has a lot to do with my depression. But that is just too general. Many things have been faced and healed. Many things also have not. Nevertheless the sadness is becoming more apparent these days. Maybe I am getting closer to the truth. I do not know?

These last few days with the uncertainty of my department's move, my feelings of loneliness, my desire to constantly be in the Lord presence under His anointing and my endless battle to gain self-worth and my skewed perception and comparing mindset probably have a lot to do with what is going on with me at present.

LEAVE YESTERDAY'S PAIN BEHIND

We are all given 24 hours in a day.

Within those twenty four hours we have probably experienced a lot of different emotions. Some good and some not so good.

Sure I would like to take back a few things from yesterday(s). Like wanting to rip the heads off of anyone that got in my way because I was PMSing really bad. Or having the irrational fears and the mis-perceptions of my thinking which brings me to anger, resentment and frustration. Pain from my memories. And then there is the stabbing pain of loneliness that haunts me daily as tears stream down my face.

But I cannot.

What I can do is thank God for a new day. A new beginning.

Yesterday's pain is yesterday's. Although for many of us we carry yesterday over into today. I know I do. Not just yesterday, but the day before and the day before that and so on and so on.

God would like us to leave the pain of yesterday behind. He gives us a new day to play with. With new set of struggles for that day. Still we manage to carry over yesterday's pain, and add to today.

So......during these hard times that come each of our ways, the Lord asks us to trust Him in the present. Not easy!!!

All I can do, and hope all you can do as well is keep trying. Remembering there is a new day to begin again and again. Be conscience of His words that He is with us all the way. He did not promise we would not have struggles and pain in our lives, but He did promise to be with us through them:

The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.

We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.

Have no fear, child, a voice whispers. Have no regrets. Relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here Trust.

All you have is now. It is enough.

Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

CHALLENGING THE ENEMY

In excerpts from a Joyce Meyer devotional below, despite how our thought patterns are run through out our day, our natural tendency is to focus on the negative.

Various thoughts run through our minds every day—some good, some bad. Our natural temptation is to focus on the bad, so accepting them doesn’t take any effort. The effort comes in being determined to cast down the negative thoughts and take a firm grasp of the positive ones.

Positive minds full of faith and hope produce positive lives. The opposite is also true—negative minds full of fear and doubt produce negative lives, which can ultimately destroy your life. Some people have been hurt so many times that they don’t think they can face the pain of another letdown. Therefore, they refuse to hope so they won't be disappointed.

Today was no exception with taking my negative thoughts captive. My mind ran rampant at work today like never before. Bringing up more bad garbage that needs to be dealt with. Maybe this negativity is so very heighten because of the irregular sleep I am getting. PMSing up the kazoo today also does not help either.

Battles are fought in our minds every day. When we begin to feel the battle is just too difficult and want to give up, we must choose to resist negative thoughts and be determined to rise above our problems. We must decide that we’re not going to quit. When we’re bombarded with doubts and fears, we must take a stand and say: "I’ll never give up! God’s on my side. He loves me, and He’s helping me! I’m going to make it!"

Life here on earth is rough and can be down right painful. Christian or no Christian, we all face struggles and hard times. It is inevitable. When I began my journey over two and a half years ago, I said at the beginning that I would be determined and finish my race no matter what. Some of the painful emotional things I have gone through already, if I knew that I would have had to go through some of them ahead of time, I would have been greatly tempted to throw in the towel.

No matter how bad the battle rages in your mind, don't give up! Step out and regain the territory that’s been stolen from you. Even if it’s only an inch at a time, make sure you’re leaning on God's grace and not on your own ability. In Galatians 6:9 the apostle Paul simply encourages us to keep on keeping on! Don't be a quitter! Don't have that old "give up" spirit. God’s looking for people who will find the courage to rise above all the negative and pursue the positive.

Through my recovery, I have gotten closer to God than ever before. He has taken me to new heights that I did not even know existed!!

I cherish His closeness. I cherish those experiences! I know I still have a ways to go in the "loving part of Him" and probably always will until the end. But, knowing that God is with me through my pain and struggles is what is encouraging me to keep on keeping on. Pressing on to my victory. My freedom!

Whatever you may be facing or experiencing in your life right now, I want to encourage you to stay positive and refuse to give up! God is with you, and He’ll help you make spiritual progress—strengthening and encouraging you to keep on keeping on during rough times. It's easy to quit, but it takes faith to press on to victory.

BATTLING SELF DOUBT

Again I did not sleep well. Exhausted.

I am understanding now the pattern.

All of a sudden within the last few nights the enemy is using against me "doubt." Doubt in my abilities. Having me question myself constantly just before I go to bed. "Did I do this correct at work?" "Did I make a mistake? "Will there be retribution?" "I am a failure and I will be crushed emotionally." "Am I going to be fired because of something in my mind I think I did wrong, but did not?"

I HAVE NEVER EVER HAD TO FIGHT A BATTLE SUCH AS THIS BEFORE!!

I never worried about this kind of stuff until now! My "fear level" has jumped off the charts on these nightly attacks. This is all new territory for me.

The enemy is having me worry about stuff that is so irrational that I even know it is irrational....but still worry.

At the same time I continue to battle with the Census people calling me non stop every day, weekends are the worst, for this damn follow-up survey and again appearing at my door. Waiting for me when I drive up to my home. I feel so invaded and stalked!! No wonder some people do not like the government. I am hoping I nipped it in the bud this morning as I HAD ENOUGH. Furious!!! I called and left a message saying if they bother me one more time I will call 911. I have a Constitutional right and I do not have to answer your questions. Whether this is going to work I do not know.

One thing though, at least it is clear now exactly what the evil forces are trying to accomplish and what I am fighting against. I am in a fierce spiritual war. He wants me defeated.

Through this, I want to encourage any, and I know there are many, who are going through major battles that.....

"No weapon formed against you shall prosper..." Isaiah 54:17

Thank God for the armor. Although it has been compromised some what these last few days. I know I have a Mighty Leader who is much more powerful than evil itself. And who is fighting my battles right along side of me. Still, these attacks though strong and continuous for now are NOT fun!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Ephesians 6:10-18

SOMETIMES LIFE IS HELL

My spirit is so unsettled today. Lack of sleep. I am so restless and exhausted. So......

Life can be hell!

Speaking for myself as well. Even in our deepest pain, God is there! For some of us it may be hard to grasp that concept as we go through our recovery. We are in such despair and emotional pain. We feel so alone. We cry out. We lash out. We scream out. We curse out! Who would share our pit of hell, our anguish, tears, fears, desperation, confusion with us? God would.

There is no unfamiliar place that He has not gone to. He will meet us in our mire. We may not think it at the time. But, He is there. In knowing that He is always there, then there is always hope:


"If I go to the heavens, you are there; If I make my bed in the depths, you
are there. Psalm 139:8

Sometimes life is hell. That's how it feels. It feels like we have taken up residence in hell. Sometimes the darkness overwhelms us. Sometimes we hurt so much that we can't imagine experiencing joy or peace ever again. Sometimes we seem to have 'made our bed ' in a place that God has deserted, a place from which God has turned away.

But the psalmist says 'even if I make my bed in the depths, you are there'. There are no genuinely God-forsaken places on our journey. There are no places unfamiliar to God. It is a difficult and painful journey, but our lines of support are not stretched thin. God is not at a distance. God is with us.

If God is with us, we can travel through those dark times in recovery, those times in hell. If God is with us, we can hold on through the difficult emotional and spiritual roller coaster of recovery.

No matter where I am, Lord
you are with me.
If I am up, today.
You are here.
If I am down.
You are here.
If I am very, very down.
You are still here.
If I am very, very, very, very, very down.
You are here.
Thank you.
Even in the terrible times when I am in the depths, you are there with me.
Your presence is a ray of hope
in the dark times of my recovery.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

Been up since 1:00 a.m. I am exhausted, cranky, overwhelmed, have a headache etc. and wish I did not have to go to work. Too much going on with work though. The unsettling of the date when our department is going to be moving next month does not help matters. Because.....

My brother called me last night. He and his wife will be coming next month, March 10th for four days. We are celebrating last years Christmas. Even though I knew he would be coming next month, it was not for sure. But, he confirmed it last night.

My mood sank.

I tell you ever since I have been on my journey, his coming has been a struggle. I feel invaded. Being in touch with my feelings and then bringing an outside source that hurt me, is hard now. Shows I am still struggling in this area with my brother. I try and convince myself it will only be for three-four days, once a year. But, it is still hard. Before, when I was in denial, I welcomed them. We laughed, talked about old times (as that is all he can muster up it seems), I took the brunt of his and my mothers verbal abuse. I know I am much stronger than the other visits. I do speak up or walk out of the room when I am verbally attacked these days. This is exhaustion and anger talking right now. I feel emotionally vulnerable at this moment. I just pray that I can at least get back to tolerating them without getting upset because they are in my space. I believe it is getting closer to the time that I need to forgive.

Anyway, being awaken with memories of sexual abuse from my brother certainly did not help matters any this morning.

The video may help any who have gone through sexual abuse as a child. This gentlemen has a lot to offer and has a testimony. He has many video's out on YouTube on different struggles.

CUTS VERY DEEP

Even though I have battled depression and sadness most my life, some days are worse than others. Valentine's Day did not help yesterday at all. When someone is struggling with low self-worth and acceptance as I am, to have this holiday roll around can be extremely difficult. Seeing some of the women at my workplace receive flowers from their husbands or boyfriends can be hard to watch and smile and say, "oh how lovey." "He must really love you?" And sure there are those who have been married a long time and their husbands do not even think to send a card to their wives. I am sure that stings terribly as well.

Although I continue to grow in strength with who I am in Christ, it still cuts very deep knowing I really do not have "that someone" to love me.

RECEIVING

I struggle with receiving compliments, gifts, kind words, etc. Below is a very difficult exercise the author poses.

The part that reads "just stand there and take it." To know that I am worthy of compliments. Oh that is so hard for me. Though I am improving.

Here is an exercise.

Today let someone give to you. Let someone do something nice for you. Let someone give you a compliment or tell you something good about yourself. Let someone help you.

Then, stand there and take it. Take it in. Feel it. Know that you are worthy and deserving. Do not apologize. Do not say, "You shouldn't have." Do you feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, and panicky? Do not immediately try to give something back.

Just say, "Thank you."

Today, I will let myself receive one thing from someone else, and I will let myself be comfortable with that.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

SET MY HEART AT REST

After reading this devotional, I am realizing more and more the endless battle to regain my self worth. My heart that was damaged as a child holds much shame.

But, I am on the way to healing. Each day brings a renewing of hope to my little girl's pain of shame. God continues to cleanse me, especially on Sonday's as the Holy Spirit's presence is alive and well when I pray and worship. I continue to fight for believing that I have been forgiven once and for all from my past. Understanding more that my behavior was a result of my brokenness and damage. That it was not little JBR's fault. God is not a condemning God.

"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our
hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is
greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." I John 3:19-20

Sometimes it is difficult to believe that we 'belong to the truth'. Sometimes it is difficult to imagine having our 'hearts at rest'. The part of our heart that is damaged by shame reminds us of all our inadequacies and failures. As this text puts it, our hearts condemn us.

In the process of recovery many of us become aware that we have internalized a voice of shame and self-condemnation. We may tell ourselves that we are unlovable. "How could anyone care about me?" Or, we may tell ourselves that we are worthless. "I'm no good." Or, we may tell ourselves that we are not capable. "I can't do anything right." These are some of the ways we condemn ourselves. We also may question our faith. We may wonder, as this verse puts it, whether "we belong to the truth". Because of our early experiences of rejection and our current self-condemnation, we find ourselves expecting God to condemn us. As a result we cannot rest in God's presence.

But God is greater than our self-condemning hearts. God knows everything. God knows our history. God knows the wounds in our past. God knows our humanness. God knows our strengths and weaknesses. God knows our failures. God knows we condemn ourselves and expect that God will condemn us as well. God knows that we need healing.

God is greater than our self-condemning hearts. God knows everything. And God does not condemn us.

I long to set my heart at rest, Lord.
I long to rest in your presence.
But, my heart is full of self-condemnation.
The voices of shame are loud within me.

I am afraid that you will also condemn me, Lord.
I am afraid that you will agree with the shame voices.

Speak to me today, Lord.
Speak more loudly than the voices of shame.
Be greater than my heart.
Shame can only feed on the hidden things, Lord,
but nothing is hid from you.
Be more powerful than the shame, Lord.
Let me find rest today in your love.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP DISCUSSED

Need to blog while it is still fresh in my mind from having t. today. Will process later.

I brought up the issue I mentioned in my posts earlier with the memories being stirred up from the trading in of my old car for a new one last weekend.

Who would of thought a thirteen old car would bring up my toxic relationship I had thirteen years ago. I shared in more detail with my t. today what I went through, experienced and how basically I survived on my own after I severed the relationship a few months later.

I felt the triggering of my car from last week that drudged up these "still" painful memories was a sign from God that it was time for me to work on forgiving the JBR's. The connection to the car was I was still in contact with this person and apparently the car had a great significance to the relationship. Even though they never rode in the car. But was talked about. I do not know. I am not going to figure that one out.

What I experienced in 1998 was little JBR getting her nurturing needs met. Overstepping many boundaries that big JBR would never take.

Little JBR was having her needs met at the time and literally loving it. But Big JBR was fighting her not to do what she so much wanted to! And sure enough after all that was said and done, and reality finally sunk in with what had happened, Big JBR came down hard on little JBR. And from that point on both the JBR's spiraled into a three year severe depression. Not being able to work. Consumed with shame, guilt and condemnation. Sleeping all day. Not eating properly. I hated myself! No one to tell what happened. I did not understand at the time what I did was because I was a wounded little JBR. I know that now. At the time I thought I was the worst sinner in the world. God would never forgive me.

The last t. session I had with my previous t. during that time, which was the day after what I did, she wanted to commit me. I really do not recall what I might of said for her to warrant that. I may have threaten I may do harm to myself. I do not recall. Whatever it was, she was seriously concerned for me. But I could not handle the thought of being committed and what would my mum say? How would I explain it to my employer at the time? So, abruptly without notice that was the last time I saw my t. who I was going faithfully for over a year. She never heard from me again. I could not face the pain. I was so much in fear. And for the next ten years or so I dealt with the anguish day in and day out of shame and what I did all by myself. That is until two and half years ago when I decided I needed to go get help once again. Not just in this area, but with other things.

So......

I needed to talk to someone in more detail, as I said earlier. And that is what I did today with my t. As I never shared thoroughly. I still do not think I even shared everything. Some things came up in t. today, that I did not even think about in thirteen years. So, I am sure there is other deep stuff not uncovered. I will leave that up to God. He really knows how to dig deep. Yikes!

I want to get to a place where I believe in my heart that God has forgiven me. I want to get to the place where Big JBR has forgiven the little one. As she was only doing what she soooooo very much craved, as she never got growing up. Someone that really cared and loved her.

My brain is beginning to shut down.....need to end.

EMOTIONAL PAIN FROM AN INANIMATE OBJECT

I bought a new car Saturday. I am still trying to get excited about it. I will get there. But, anyway, the interesting part, is the car I traded in for this new car.

I was trading in a 13 year old car, bought new at the time, and when I traded it in on Saturday I began to sob uncontrollably. "Where is this coming from," I thought quickly. I do not usually cry in public. But, I could not contain myself. Glad I was wearing my sunglasses at the time. Could I be missing this car that much? No. It was a surprising underlying painful emotional attachment to it. Which I did not think would surface "in a car" of all things. But it did.

Thirteen years ago was a time where I was going through one of the worst "sick relationships" I have ever had. The person was still in contact with me during this time when I purchased the car. The emotional and nurturing attachment was very severe on my end of the relationship. About four months later after buying the car, I severed the relationship.

The following few years were very difficult for me. A blur at times. I never never never never shared this relationship with anyone until I went into t. two and a half years ago. So much shame, guilt and condemnation came from this relationship. There was a period of time I could not function in society, hold down a job because of the shame, emotional pain, severe depression (which I was on meds at the time) I was enduring all by myself. I was seeing another t. for other issues at the time and in that last session of ours (as I stopped going because I could not face the pain) I told her briefly what had happened. She was very concerned for me and wanted to admit me. I could not handle being admitted. So I stopped t. all together abruptly. The next few years I went through literal hell. I could not bare sharing what I did and what I went through with anyone. So much SHAME!! Not that I had anyone to share with in the first place. I did not. Even though God was in my life, I pushed Him so very far away. I felt shame before Him as well. I was wallowing in my pain close to three years, all alone. I felt I deserved it. Day in and day out. Obsessed.

So, anyway, the trading in of my old car on Saturday drudged up some of those very painful memories. This is something I am going to have to process and work through still. I am hurting today. Because, apparently I have never dealt with some of these issues.

FRIGHTENING VALLEY

I am going through a difficult time. The devotional below is exactly what I am going through. Holding on to what the promises say in the devotional below because I have not felt this emotionally weak since the beginning of my journey a couple of years ago when I was seeking much needed help.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear
no evil, for you are with me." Psalm 23:4

Sometimes the recovery journey takes us through the valley of the shadow of death. It is a frightening valley.

What a difference it makes in times like this to hear God's promise to be with us. It's not that the fears vanish, they don't always. But we experience them differently when we are not alone. When we are alone our fears can become the focus of our thoughts and feelings - they can consume all of our emotional resources. But when our journey is a shared one, fear does not have the same power over us.

God has made a very specific promise to us when we are going through the most difficult of life's struggles. God has promised to be with us. It is hard to say how God's presence will be made known. Our subjective experience of God's presence may vary widely. Sometimes when we least expect it, we may hear the still, small voice of God saying "I am here". Sometimes God will use a friend, a sponsor, a counselor, or someone in a support group to speak to us in ways that help us to remember that we are not alone. Sometimes God will give us a peace that needs no words.

The important reality is that God is with us. God does not come and go in the way our experience of God's presence comes and goes. God does not forsake us. God walks with us. Even through deep valleys.

God, I am walking through a difficult valley right now.
Sometimes I think my heart will give way with fear.
Remind me of your presence.
Sometimes I know you are here.
Sometimes I'm sure you have gone.
Are you really here?
Please walk close beside me.
I need your protection.
I need your love.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan