THE SWING

There are times still when I am struggling emotionally I sometimes reflect back to a period in the mid 1960's where I would be on a swing alone at one of my friends house. I can even recall pretty vividly that particular day. It was a fall like day, I was wearing shorts, had short hair, the trees surrounding me and what direction I was facing on the swing.

When I am struggling emotionally, I will call up that day in my mind and tell little JBR "you can wake up now." Meaning I never left that point and time. I am back there. I just drifted into the future.

I cherished that day and time as a peaceful and safe place that I did not want to leave. When I was actually there on that day, I remember even thinking, as young child of seven or eight, this would be a place in my mind I could always come back to and feel safe. Something like that.

Now it gets harder to explain......but I will try....

But there was a "BUT." A big "BUT."

At this safe place when I would bring up this memory of being actually back there as a child, I would recall as a child and have the opportunity to advance 40 years into the future. Confused yet? Taking one painful year at a time. Seeing how my life became. I went off to this place many times as a child and early teens. Finding myself as an adult still going there, but not as frequent as I had other avenues to use for safety (i.e. la-la land).

When I catch myself still now seeking this peaceful time, it is usually when I am under a lot of emotional stress. Disappointed that I am not physically present as a child on that swing when reality hits me once again.

Okay, why did I share this? I have always tried to explain this important focal point to my first t. and she did not get it. So I gave up. But for some reason, here comes my "Spirit" urging me on to try once again to share. And to share with you all.

So, in re-reading this entry, I come close to explaining the feelings I was experiencing and the peacefulness (something I have not had in ages) inside me. Though writing the emotion and experiencing the emotion in my mind and heart are two different things.

In essence this is where I went to be safe.

NOT FEELING IT

Having trouble posting. I have to feel it in my Spirit. Many of my posts have been started; posted; only to be retrieved soon thereafter never to be seen again. As I was just not feeling it.

Suppose my latest with my mum and her irrational fears and constant worries and my up and down with depression are getting the best of me right now. It is really a battle to fight off her fears she so desperately wants me to take on along with her. Trying to take me down with her! Not that I am not concerned, because she is old, and I really do have to weigh her complaints to see if their valid.

Still, at the same time, for my own sanity sake, I have to tune out her quivering voice, her pleas for me to be available no matter what is she is going to die or has to be rushed to the hospital. Not to sound mean, but I told her if it is really bad (depending what she is complaining about) call 911 first before me. She, as I am, goes from A-Z with fear and panic. Putting me on edge.

Keep in mind. My mum lives alone, still drives, still works, still goes shopping. For someone in her eighties, she does a lot. Many times more than me. So she does get around, much more than someone else her age. She is just so full of irrational fears. Destroys her.

At these times, I become frustrated and angry that I Am The Only One available. My brother is too far away. He misses out on all of this. Not that he would help any. But, there would be more of a support just having him here. I guess I am angry as most my life I did not "have a life." And now I am beginning to get one, and feel now I am being hampered once again.

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to go through trials like these. As I am trying to go through my own stuff. But, I guess this is part of my own stuff. Nevertheless, I am sure the Lord will and has given me ample strength to go through these trials with my mum.

If she was a strong woman of faith, she would be able to depend and trust on the Lord for her comfort and not to me fully. She refuses to be involved with any prayer group, chain, etc. She has no close believers as friends.

All and all, "Where Does My Help Come From during times like these?" My Heavenly Father.

I cannot afford to let myself go down the path of irrational fears, living on the edge of catastrophe, having what little life I am gaining back destroyed!

HYPERVIGILANCE

Even though I have come a very long way on my journey, I still have deep issues. Unfortunately I know them too well. Trauma, fear and panic. All stemming from my past.

I do not believe I am a full blown hypervigiant, (is that even a word?) I do have some traits.

I do have an increase awareness of my surroundings. I hate really having anyone behind me. There is shame and irrational fears involved in that also.

At work, I cannot be sitting either upfront or in the last row for our daily morning devotions. There are always late-comers who will then stand behind everyone in the last row. Totally freaks me out. I get a panic feeling. So, I end up sitting in the back against the side wall.

Same with church. My church has a large congregation. It is totally hard for me to sit among the masses and especially up front. I feel panic; and need an escape route planned. At the same time not desiring any attention drawn to me.

I remember having panic attacks in my teenage years, and my mum would give me some Valium. Shows she needed it as well.

I know when I walk to and from my car or I am in an area where there are people going in all directions, my eyes are darting back and forth trying to keep tabs on their whereabouts. I tend to rush. Hurry. Get away quickly. If a stranger (especially a man) gets too close to me, panic sets in. If the area is small, that makes matters even worse.

When I am driving and a car is riding along side of me at the same speed, that freaks me out.

Even though I am 10 times better, people still do frighten me. I am afraid I will be hurt or something bad will happen.

I have to really feel comfortable with you to feel 100% safe.

HEALING CAN BE PAINFULLY SLOW

I certainly can vouch for that.

Healing usually happens in small increments. Not saying you may not have a burst or two of great leaps and bounds. But the majority of the time our change is in baby steps.

As much as I want my emotional pain of the past to be healed quickly, God sees that it takes time to let go. He knows His creation all too well. He knows the stubbornness, the fears, the lack of trust. He sees the Big picture. He see where He and I "must" work together in order to go through the pain. In order for me to come out victorious. Not rush the process. Not doing a so-so job in order not to feel. No, I have done that most my life. God wants me to Feel now. He wants my emotions to regain their originality. He wants my tears to flow without hesitation. He wants my irrational fears to cease. This can only happen if "I Go Through" the process.

Understanding also that He wants to nurture and take care of me during these trying times. To trust Him. To trust His love for me. Knowing although painful at times, He is right there in the midst of it all. Storing away my deep sobbing tears. Reaching down into my most inner being fixing the broken places of so long ago.

BROKEN LEGS

I am a little sheep with broken legs in the arms of my Savior. In His time He is healing me from deep pain and sorrow. Deep pain, that I am not even aware of, but know something is hurting. Right now He is taking care of me. Nurturing me. Slowly restoring what I have lost.

Lord You have heard my cry of desperation, and You are responding! Let me be open to Your deep healing, no matter how painful. Thank you.

**UPDATE** GETTING CLOSER TO THE CORE

In t. tonight we discussed how much closer I am getting to the core of my pain.

Also talked about my depression. Have been forgetting a lot more lately the simplest things and at times, but not much, stringing words together that do not make sense.

My boss and I had a good laugh yesterday with my response to a work related question from her. I answered "if I have my clothes on." Made no sense. She looked at me. I looked at her. And we both burst out laughing.

Depression can cause forgetfulness the "foggy-head" syndrome and physical pain. Since t. I have been more open to my emotional pain and my whole physical body is more vulnerable as well as my mental state. Case in point, my painful episode last week after t. (I pray for NOT a repeat performance tonight) of my severe aching of my muscles in my legs.

I have noticed so much more pain in my body since the inception of my journey close to 2 1/2 years ago.

All that being said, these are good things.

GOOD THINGS YOU ASK???

Yes!

Shows I am getting closer to my breakthrough.

* * * * UPDATE * * * *
Although not as bad as last week, thank you Lord, after a couple of hours last night, I began becoming very lethargic and my legs started hurting again! This is totally amazing how one can be physically effected by trauma that has been buried so long. I once again had to stop what I was doing and retire for the evening and alleviate some of my muscle pain.

Even though I have pain today, it is manageable. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.

BROKEN PLACES

This quote says it all. Had me in tears as the words touched deeply my pain.

May these words touch you oh so very deeply as well.

"Somehow we have overlooked the fact this treasured called the heart can also be broken, has been broken, and now lies in pieces down under the surface. When it comes to habits we cannot quit or patterns we cannot stop, anger that flies out of nowhere, fears we cannot overcome, or weaknesses we hate to admit--much of what troubles us comes out of the broken places in our hearts crying out for relief.

Jesus speaks as if we are all brokenhearted. We would do well to trust His perspective on this."

— John Eldredge (Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive)

***UPDATE*** CENSUS PEOPLE

Quick up date.

Finally, finally got a live person at the Census Bureau in GA this morning. First they said that they did not even have me on record. I said "that is impossible. Obviously "your people" who have been harassing me know about me. How come you do not??" They took my address and said that they would get in touch with the field representative of my area.

The person I spoke to was not very nice. He tried to lay a guilt trip on me. Shaming me. Saying “they would find someone else much more willing to participate in such an important survey.” Also giving me some lame excuse that they want to make sure that I am not sneaking anyone in to live with me.

I could tell he did not appreciate me and rushed me off the phone. All day I wondered once I leave work, will I find someone greeting me before I even get out of my car when I pull up?

Well......

There was no one.

They did the same thing the second time around (this was the third). They would wait a few weeks, then show up again. Time will tell.

Although on my Caller ID I have a couple of telephone calls today from them. So that continues.

Thank you all who commented on my last two posts. Some of your comments made me smile and chuckle. I needed that!

CENSUS BUREAU CALLED MY BLUFF

Like I predicted right when I pulled into my parking spot after work, out shoots the Census woman. She came right at me asking if I was "JBR." I asked her her name and before she could say anymore gave her two options. (1) You either leave now never to return. Or (2) wait for the police which I am dialing 911 right now. She proceeded to tell me she is doing nothing illegal. I ignored her. I told her she was harassing me. She said that I never told her to leave. I said I am telling you now. She went back into her car and sat there apparently waiting for the police that I pretended to call in front of her. I went up to my home. Continued praying.

Be proud of me I did not use one curse word! Well, not out loud.

This can only get worse. Do they get paid for each survey they take? Is that why they will NOT LET GO???? This is really upsetting me terribly. After 45 minutes waiting for police that were not even dialed, she drove away.

But, I am sure this is NOT the end.

I was given advice to call my local police station (non-emergency) to see what my rights were. I found out that first they would not send out anyone unless it was an emergency. They told me to contact personally the Census Bureau. The main headquarters. Which is in Georgia. I have been calling the local headquarters. But, now I guess I have to go to the top. I will have to call tomorrow as their offices are closed. The person I spoke with at the police station was sympathetic and could not understand how aggressive the Census bureau is.

I cannot tell you how I HATE confrontation. When I was talking or telling the Census woman what I was going to do, every fiber in my body was tense. My voice was shaky, I began sweating and I was furious. This type of stress wears you out!

I know all this is part of my journey for self improvement, self worth that I am somebody! I hate it nevertheless. This is hard sticking up for myself. My mum always fought my battles for me and anything else. Tremendous irrational fears began overtaking my thoughts. "Do I have the right to have an opinion." Am I wrong and they are right. Will I go to jail?

Little JBR is learning to become an adult.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to drive up in peace to my home.

Keep in mind all this hassle is about "a survey" not the actual Census. Can you imagine if I did not fill that out?? OMG!

For those who have no clue what this post is about, read HERE.

DARN CENSUS PEOPLE!

The Census people are at it again.

The US Department of Commerce. After work they came a knocking at my door. I am starting to feel stalked again. Sending out a new person this time. Trying to be clever and yell through my door, using a nick-name of mine. No one calls me what they called me. So that was their first mistake. After not answering their persistent knocks and calling out to me. They then left and waited in their car. Not knowing I have a birds eye view of where they parked from my home. They did a lot of cell phone calling. A few times to me. At one point calling me and having my phone ring over 15 rings. That is harassment. Writing down information and just sat there until into the evening. I know they were waiting to see if lights would come on in my place to give me away. (I should have been a detective)

So, there they sat outside my place over two hours. Hoping to either catch me coming or going. I feel they were on a stake-out. Why am I so damn important? I threaten them a month ago by saying I would report them if they bothered me again. Did not hear a peep out of them after that. Although I thought. All of a sudden they are back. All for a stupid survey.

They want to do now an employment survey. Keep in mind, this is not the actual Census we take every ten years. I did that. This is a survey which I was picked to participate in. Which I did not ask to participate in. Give me a break. I told them already I did not want to partake in this survey and to leave me alone. No doubt I will be encountering them again today. As that is their M.O. I will be ready.

When I am pushed, there is a whole different side to JBR. Surprises her even. She has no boundaries and no fear. There is a fight in her that comes out. So, if you do not hear from me after this post, I have probably been arrested. ;) I will once again confront them face to face.

Just leave me alone!! Why is that so hard?

HOPE AMIDST SUFFERING

In my Recovery Bible I found a Bible Reading on Hope amidst Suffering. This post comes on the heals of the post before it. The promise God made to Job who lost everything but in the end God eventually restored everything he had lost, and then some. I am believing that for myself. My heart grieves what I have lost very deeply!!!!! I am crying much more freely in this area. Realizing what was taken from me. It hurts terribly.

There are times when we are so confused and overwhelmed by the pain in our life that we wish we could die. No matter what we do, we are powerless to change things for the better. The weight of the pain and sadness seems too heavy to bear. We can't see why our heart doesn't just break and allow death to free us.

Job felt that way. He'd lost everything, even though he had always done what was right. His ten children were dead. He had lost his business, his riches, and his health. And all this happened in a matter of days! He was left with a sharp-tongued wife and three friends who blamed him for his own misfortune. Job cried out, "If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh all the sands of the sea...Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant my desire. I wish he would crush me. I wish he would reach out his hand and kill me...I don't have the strength to endure. I have nothing to live for. Do I have the strength of a stone? Is my body made of bronze? No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success." (Job 6:2-13)

Job didn't know that the end of his life would be even better than the beginning. God eventually restored everything Job had lost, and then some. "Then he died, an old man who had lived a long, full life." (Job 42:17) Even when we're pressed to the point of death, there is still hope that our life will change. Our recovery could be so complete that the final lines written about us might read: "At last he or she died, after living a long, full life." We must remember: Life can be good again!

The Life Recovery Bible, p. 643

THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE

The following quote below is hard and very painful to my heart's emotion. Only because most of my life, after my parents divorce, I have been sheltered. Only having a fearful, judgmental and controlling mother as a "mentor" and example growing up. Never ever able to establish any close friendships. No serious relationships. I have never ever had anyone close to me that means the most to me. Never. The very few sick relationships I had in the past were just that.... sick. The closest I can come to in having someone that means the most to me today would be my t., my bloggy-friends and maybe one person at work. Other than that no-one. Those people listen to me. Give me a voice. Hear my pain. And for that I am truly grateful.

I cannot tell you how much my heart grieves what I have missed out on life. There is still a lot of sorrow in me. Sometimes I have wished I would have rather have someone else's troubles, than the ones that I was given. I have stopped asking God "why I was chosen for these particular trials of mine." Only He knows. Would another trial be much easier to endure? I do not know? Maybe all trials are equal to some degree. What hurts me deeply, may be the same intensity of something else I would rather be going through. Only God knows.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey)

LET GOD LOVE YOU INSTEAD

What a timely post for me!! Maybe for you as well?

When I read these words below on loving God, my heart swelled. My stomach tighten. I have always struggled with the Scripture in the Bible that says, "...that you must love God with all your heart, soul and strength!” I Must Love God? MUST! Me? Huh? How could I produce something I do not even feel myself? Let alone give out? I have felt condemned and shamed because of those words. Like an outcast.

I have never heard "love" explained like Pastor Prince does below. How God's Grace tells us that "He loves us," not that we love Him. Reading the explanation helps a bit in taking the pressure off.

How He would like me to just sit still and let Him love me. Ooooooo that is scary. And like the saying goes, "let nature take its course." In time, the more I let Him love me, eventually the more I will begin to love Him.

The last two paragraphs especially ministers to me.


In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10

"You have to love God more! You must have more passion for God!” You have probably heard this type of preaching and may have even tried your best to love God, only to fail miserably.

But what is the true definition of love? Let the Bible define it for us: “… this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us…” Yes, it is not about our love for Him, but His love for us!

“Pastor Prince, the Bible says that you must love God with all your heart, soul and strength!”

Yes, that is true according to the law (Deuteronomy 6:5), and even Jesus taught that as the great commandment when He walked on earth. (Matthew 22:37) But that was before He died on the cross. At the cross, He became the very fulfillment of this law for us when He loved us with all His heart, soul and strength, by laying down His body and life on the cross for us.

Today, we are no longer under the law but under grace. And grace tells us that God loves us, not that we love God. Yet, we will love Him when we see how much He loves us. The Bible says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us! (Romans 5:8) That’s how much He loves us!

Beloved, God has seen you trying your best to love Him. And because He loves you, He wants you to sit down and be still, and let Him love you instead. He wants to love you with all that He is and all that He has. He loves you unconditionally regardless of who you are or what you have done because His love is not dependent on you but on Himself. He will never stop loving you.

So let God love you today. Don’t worry about loving Him. The more of His love you receive, the more you will fall in love with Him!


© Copyright Joseph Prince, 2006. All rights reserved.

PAINFUL LITTLE EARS

I have never viewed myself as a controlling person. My idea of "controlling person" is someone who is trying to literally control the other person, i.e. my mum controlling me with her opinions outweighing mine, getting her way, not letting me learn the simplest things, having me call daily, etc.

Interesting twist in t. yesterday. I was describing, and even to this day, how I would hide or be in earshot of something or someone where I would have to know what is going on. All behind the scenes though. Never letting on that I was listening.

For some reason in my child like mind even back then I had to know what was going on. Somehow feel important and not be left out. But the irony of the whole thing was I never desired telling anyone at all what I overheard. For some reason just by my own self finding out things, painful thing, satisfied me enough. Weird. No glory. No nothing. Just me knowing. That is how I was as a child. And how I am today.

As a child, when my parents would yell and scream at one another, I would most of the time find myself hiding behind the nearest wall unbeknown to them. Running my finger up and down the wall as I stood behind it. Tears streaming down my face. Never whimpering. Did not want to be found out. More than likely blaming myself for what I heard. My little ears taking in all of "their" pain which reached at the time the core of my heart. My heart was much freer back then. But quickly the disease of pain took over.

Some other incidents come to mind. I recall being in the bushes under a window. Listening to endless conversations of family members. Or on many occasions, sitting on the edge of the claw foot bathtub by an open widow in my grandmother's bathroom which was right outside by an orange tree where my father and her (his mother) would discuss almost weekly the situation at home with he and my mum. Kind of remembering him saying, "things were not going well." He even saying, "she wants a divorce." As I sat in that bathroom, all of 8 or 9 years old, a lump in my throat feeling very sad and crying. Seems I did all my crying in secret. I Never ever discussed what I heard on our drives back home with my father. Never.

I just processed on my own as "a child" and probably to this day processing still "as a child" to some degree. Because obviously what occurred many years ago, I still struggle with today.

Why I chose to do the listening in secret I do not know? Protection? Fear?

What I learned yesterday by me "hiding" to this day, whether listening around the corner at work, or making some excuse to get within earshot of a conversation that I am perceiving could be about me, this is where I run into trouble. It is the "having to have to." It is like an addiction. A control thing. I must know!!! Always thinking the worst. Again going back to the "child processing" and not fully understanding. Since t. these feelings are being brought to light more. With more understanding to my misconceived belief system.

My misconstrued mind set is what drives me to this day. That is what gets me into my emotional tailspins. That is what brings on unhealthy relationships. That is what many a time makes me perceive things that are NOT always there. Thinking the worst. I am Not saying that there are not times that I am understanding correctly. A lot of the time I am pretty accurate. But, I am finding out more and more now as I go through and feel emotionally as much as I am able and talk out my pain just how my thinking has been affected by my past. That my perception can be off.

In concluding with an A-ha moment, the words, the anger, the pain I heard behind those walls with my parents I believe contributed as well to me feeling some kind of abandonment or rejection even today. Associating what I heard those times in secret, eventually ended painfully bad. I can see how I perceive this today. Associating the bad pain. Only difference, I give the appearance I am a lot older on the outside. But on the inside, I am still the same 8 or 9 year old fearing rejection or abandonment.

SELF-REJECTION

"Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen

PAINFUL REJECTION

Visiting my past is something I really do not want to do. My physical and emotional being is exhausted. Running on Empty. All these years of stuffing my pain, and now in attempts to touch on my past pain have taken there toll. Especially with my feelings of rejection.

Am I ready?

Or am I desperate?

Or does it take desperation to face the fear?

I do know this, I am getting so very tired living the way I do. I cannot believe I have lived this way most my life. Not being able to relax. Tired of having my system riled up daily. Who can I please in order for them to accept me and give me self worth? Worrying did I offend someone that I was trying to get to like me. Always in either a flight or fight mode. Worrying what would trigger me next. Trying to control my surroundings, my feelings.

I so know this is not an easy task. Not like 1, 2, 3 "poof" I am better. Not at all.

I am scared!!!! Unbelievably scared to go back!!!!

To face my fears of striving to gain my father's attention only to be criticized, and have him give that shaming look that can only cut a little girls heart apart. To face my fears of reliving the most deeply emotions of past hurts that traumatized me from my father. The emotions that I have buried so long. The times when my father scolded me or showed disappointment. Told to suck it up. Hold back those tears. Then having my mother smother me, control me, shame me, judge and criticize as well.

But as I alluded above, is my desperation enough to face the fear? Yes. I am tired. I do not want to fight anymore.

How long will it take? Not a clue. God knows. God will be with me.

I want that freedom. I want to be who God created me to be and not worry what man thinks of me. Free from fearing what I may perceive as rejection, but may not be. And if so, to know in my heart it is not about me, but them!!!

Breaking through will relieve most of my stress, frustrations and anger issues. No more need to compete, because I will be much more completed in Christ. Joy and happiness will begin to filter in. I will become who God intended me to be....... "ME."

UNIQUE BROKENNESS

Reading this devotional by Henri Nouwen puts into perspective each and every one of us who have been broken. Or on their way to full brokenness. Just how unique our brokenness is to us. To God. To others. How our pain is so very personal to us. There are no two human beings who will experience the "exact" same pain of brokenness. We all have our own uniqueness to being broken.

Emotional scars take longer to heal than physical ones. My main goal is to find healing in God.

I have found out in my brokenness that my hidden wounds, when I try to stuff them do not heal. If anything they fester. Those hidden wounds that were dormant so long in me are now awakening as my brokenness advances. As my desire to heal increases. Still, I believe the Lord is regulating what memories and feelings I am now experiencing.

I am beginning to feel in my heart and experience in my gut the deep hurt. The knot in my stomach, the trouble swallowing, the continued crying, the anxiety and fear.

The hurt of feeling abandoned, (the divorce of my parents and the ripping apart of my family, leaving my childhood friends, my home) rejected, (the lack of attention and nurturing from my father) ridiculed and criticized (the slamming stinging words from my father when not living up to his expectations).

Many years holding on to my hurts have emotionally drained me. Not releasing my pain. The traumatic times as a child of 10 witnessing my family unit being ripped apart. My parents verbal fighting. My father moving out. My mother re-marring shortly thereafter and her and I having to move far away to start a new life.

Knowing God is my healer I need to reveal my hurt, and as my t. says, fire my "earthly father" and replace him with my "Heavenly Father."

I desire to get to the place where there is total trust in what my Heavenly Father is doing and trusting Him with others to help me along my process in order for me to finally break and be set free!

Our brokenness reveals something about who we are. Our sufferings and pains are not simply bothersome interruptions of our lives; rather, they touch us in our uniqueness and our most intimate individuality. The way I am broken tells you something unique about me. The way you are broken tells me something unique about you. That is the reason for my feeling very privileged when you freely share some of your deep pain with me, and that is why it is an expression of my trust in you when I disclose to you something of my vulnerable side. Our brokenness is always lived and experienced as highly personal, intimate and unique. I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers.... In fact, I am more grateful for a person who can acknowledge that I am very alone in my pain than for someone who tries to tell me that there are many others who have a similar or a worse pain.

(Henri J. M. Nouwen)

CLENCHED FISTS

When I saw this prayer and the line about the clenched fists I thought about myself. Because more often than not, I usually have both my fists closed. I remember even my mother making mention of my clenched fists when I was a teenager.

The clenched fists of mine have that underlining meaning of holding back my emotional pain. The prayer shares exactly what letting go of the pain will do.

"Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love,
unconditional, everlasting love.
Amen."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

I AM TOUCHED

Wanted to comment thanking all of you who have responded to my past posts. Especially the two below. I cannot tell you how your words of encouragement and prayers help. To think that you would take the time out of your busy life to respond to someone you have never met. Some even lengthy comments. Re-reading many.

You have no idea how much a part of you all are to my healing process.

AM I READY TO FACE MY PAIN?

In t. yesterday we touched on if I was ready enough to face my deepest pain and fears.

As much as I desire and I DO DESIRE, to be healed and step into freedom, there is the element of uncertainty and fear. Not so much with my t. but with God. Fear of being rejected, judged, criticized if I express emotions, i.e. crying and feeling the pain.

I will be in prayer. First looking at my Heavenly Father as just that, my Heavenly Father. Not as my "earthly father." Not as my "earthly father" who did not allow emotions or criticize if shown.

Putting two and two together now, the times I do find myself crying alone as I journey on believing my tears are only seen by God, but then finding myself thinking about my "earthly" father when alone crying, I will usually stop and regain my composure.

As an adult in my late 20's remembering a incident with my father which he had me in tears. I tried oh so very hard not to cry and show how hurt he made me. I could not hold back. He just kept on criticizing and reprimanding me which cut to the bone. HURT so very badly. It was like his knife stabbing words just bulldozed over my pain. Which now explains the following as well.....

I can recall "one" time my father crying or shedding a tear. And that was when I was around 6 or 7. Remembering pretty vividly we were at a memorial service at the church I grew up in. Just he and I. I think he was babysitting me. As it was only the two of us from our family. I remember we were standing and I was to his left looking up at him and questioning his tears. He quickly said something to me that shut me down that day. The rest of the time my father was a very depressed man. Never saw him cry again after that day.

So, however long it may take, asking God to prepare my heart to be willing, open and receptive in the next coming days, weeks, months for my breakthrough I will pursue.

I do not take lightly what lies ahead. I know there will be fear and pain.

MY PAST IS AFFECTING MY PRESENT

DIFFICULT TIME

Have not felt like posting.

Having a very difficult time emotionally.

INTENSE THERAPY...Only the beginning

I am beginning to recover some memories from my past which are starting to explain the triggers that are going on at present.

Today's t. session was intense. I knew I was under some emotional duress while I was sharing. Talking about the different pieces of my life that had an effect on me. The sexual abuse, my parents divorce, and then the issues of abandonment, rejection and neglect of my father.

The Lord is slowly allowing me to remember thus far from a particular age some crucial memories which trigger how I respond to certain things today.

A lot of the time I am trying to make sense of what is going on inside of my head. I am praying and trying to understand. I am still not clear on certain memories. Although after leaving t. today, I arrived home. Sat down and began to recover. Processing the question that was asked of me in session "what/how do I feel?" I could not answer at the time.

But, tonight alone in my home, I was then able to "feel" briefly. Something I am definitely not accustom to. I then became too scared to process alone. I felt very exhausted already and too vulnerable to do this by myself tonight. So I quickly went to blogging for a diversion. Was not planning on blogging. As I am emotionally exhausted and I did not know how I would even explain what went on in t. today. Only by the Grace of God am I able to put this post together tonight.

For the first time, I could actually see in my minds eye, the incident, what I was doing at the time, and briefly how I was "feeling" while everything was unfolding around me.

I am beginning to realize just how important connecting the feelings to the trauma is. I do not like doing this process!! NO NOT AT ALL! I am realizing the importance of going through the pain even more.

I have never allowed myself to go this far with any memory where my feelings are starting to connect.

Connecting is very scary. VERY SCARY!!

In the days ahead I will be open to what the Lord wants to reveal to me through my memories. However He chooses to show me. Whether I am alone, in church, in t. I am sooooo willing to face the fear in order to gain freedom!!!!

Not going to lie to you as I said above, it is scary. I want to release the fear of facing my pain to God in order to be able to face it. As I know once I go through the pain, there will be such a release. I can taste my breakthrough.....

I WANT MY FREEDOM!!!

And I will do just that. You will see.

ANGUISH

A great truth in anguish, if I would only apply it and believe in my heart is the following: "If only we could remember, when the anguish is present, that it is making our Spirits whole. That it, along with laughter, is a healer of the soul."

Seems like these past couple of days with restless sleep I have been dealing with such anguish for change. How I have become so tired of my dependence on man's approval and what it produces in me.

Each day it is such a challenge once I step outside of my home. The intensity to want to please man has never been so greater. What I shared in my past posts is that I desire this intensity to reverse 100% and be focused only in pleasing God.

Maybe I am asking too much???

It is a emotionally painful battle big time right now for me. As once I step inside my work place, the battle of anguish is on. Right now I am still not succeeding and succumbing to man's way. I still find myself drawn to the wrong kind of attention and excitement. Knowing at the same time I have an opportunity to just turn a deaf ear or walk away. But I do not. My past of the lack of attention, especially from my father, continues to get in the way.

So, I find myself seeking out a safe place at work and have a good cry. I become so disappointed. I want to change so badly. The laughter and joy that is explained below, I crave.

But, now at least I am more conscience of the stronghold, where before I was so enmeshed I saw no other way.

Anguish is undoubtedly more familiar to us than is the beauty of laughter. We feel anguish over our failings; we feel anguish over our losses; we feel anguish over the attempts to succeed that beckon to us.

Anguish comes of fear. And we so hope to avoid it. However, it seasons us as women; it enriches us even while it momentarily diminishes us. It is a major contributor to the sum and substance of our lives. The anguish we experience prepares us to help others experience their own particular anguish.

Our laughter, too, must be savored and shared. And laughter builds more laughter. Laughter lends a perspective on our anguish. Life is made richer, fuller, by the ebb and flow, the laughter and the anguish in concert.

If only we could remember, when the anguish is present, that it is making our Spirits whole. That it, along with laughter, is a healer of the soul. That it lifts our load at the same time that it burdens us. That it prepares us to better receive life's other gifts.

I can help someone else face anguish. It brings us together. It softens me. And it makes way for the laughter soon to come.

Hazelden Foundation