***Update*** SUICIDE GENERATIONAL CURSE

* * * * MAY SEVERELY TRIGGER * * * *
TAKE GENTLE CARE

* * *UPDATE BELOW IN RED* * *
I come from a background of family suicides. From both sides. My Grandfather (my father's father) hung himself. My Uncle (my mother's brother) shot himself. My older brother, (my mother's first son) shot himself.

Would explain a lot, as my t. says, as to why I can become fixated on death and dying. I have always been fascinated about dying. When I was young (under 10) I would fantasize about drowning or someone choking me to death. I would even play act the drowning in our back yard swimming pool. The choking, I had a neighbor kid pretend to do that to me. I would insist that these types of play acting be slow. Like I wanted to savor the moment?

However since becoming a Christian, and on my journey to healing, I am realizing more and more this is the enemy's ploy. He wants nothing more than to actually have me die. You die. Or anyone die. That is his goal. I believe it is possible for the enemy to take root in a little soul. Especially one that has been damaged already.

My mum holds an interesting twist to dying. If you have been an avid reader of mine you know how irrational her fears are. Usually centering on dying. Which I was brought up on and to this day I have to continue to fight those dying thinking patterns.

Perfect example to how my mum's irrational fears on dying has affected me can be found in the next paragraph.

From early on up until the present, if I am going through something traumatic or something unusual appears on my person, my mind would go to the worse case scenario. My mind could not handle solving or thinking through the issue at hand logically. Instead I would go from A-Z in one fall swoop. Missing out on all the answers and solutions in-between. Head right for Z. Which represents death to me.

Many times I would have to fight that mindset greatly. It continues to still be a battle for me. A very hard one. But, the more I grow in Christ and who I am in Him the more I know that this curse can be broken.

If I find myself sinking and thinking about death, I need to begin to confess out loud, verbally what is actually going on and what is actually rightfully mine. That is I am entitled to life. Not death.

Here is a Generational Curse Prayer I found on the internet. This prayer can apply to most anything. To alcohol, drugs, violence, anger, pornography, lust, eating issues, perfectionism, to suicide:

In the name of Jesus, I confess the curses and iniquities of my parents (name specific curse if known), grandparents (name specific curse if known), and all other ancestors. I declare that by the blood of Jesus, these curses have been forgiven and Satan and his demons can no longer use these curses as legal grounds in my life!

In the name of Jesus, and by the power of His blood, I now declare that all generational curses have been renounced, broken and severed, and that I am no longer under their bondage!

In the name of Jesus, I declare myself and my future generations loosed from any bondage's passed down to me from my ancestors. AMEN!

Now I know some of my readers do not have the same faith as I do. Some of you may not even believe in God. Regardless, if you suffer from any type of curse generational or not, I challenge you to at least speak the truth out loud verbally. How ever often. How ever long. For me, probably the rest of my life. Speak the truth that you are important and worthy of living. I know it may be hard to speak those words because of your damaged belief system and what was done to you. I can sooooooooooooo relate. It is hard!!!

But I have come to the conclusion. I hope you too. That............

.....we have to start some time. Why not today?

* * * * UPDATE * * * *
I chose to add this incident to this post rather than start a new one. Because it is a perfect example and fits perfectly into my topic on death and what I went through growing up with a irrational fearful mother.

I have been home sick since Wednesday afternoon. I have yet to have a full day at my new work location. Let alone be able to do any work. I am beyond the frustration level, as it is just too long now. Anyway, that is not the reason for this update.

Mum is at it again. I knew the following would happen. And it did.....

I knew once the heavens opened up with a hard rain and some minor flooding this afternoon, the phone calls would begin on my cell about the time I would leave my place of work. I did not pick up.

She sits by the television and constantly listens over and over again to troubling news all day and starts her day worrying.

Her voice was shaky and frantic. Telling me which route I should take home because she was afraid I would get into an accident because of the heavy rain. When I finally called her, around the normal time I would arrive from my new destination without incident, I was greeted with, "Oh my God I thought you were dead. I left you a message. Why didn't you pick up? The rain was so bad. You had me worried. I was sick to my stomach with fear. I couldn't wait until you called me to make sure you were ok." Hearing all this garbage all my life, no wonder I struggle in this area and the events of suicide in my past with relatives does not help matters any.

I just let her talk. Because, she will just not listen. No point in arguing with her anymore. She just rambled on. Then I changed the subject.

Little did she know I have not been to work most the week. I cannot tell her anymore if I am sick or even take a day off from work. She would make my life unbearable with worry and think I was dying or something. And I was NOT capable of taking care of myself. She would be over my place, not comforting me, but making me more miserable.

She even questioned to no limit when I "checked in" tonight my hoarseness. I blamed it on the bad weather. I cannot even start to let her think I am sick. She accepted that explanation....for now.

This is "one" particular kind of curse on death I am trying to STOP from continuing in my life. It is a hard battle. My mum has sworn to me when confronted that she will always worry and cannot help it. No, she does not want to help it. Period.

WHEN THE ENEMY ATTACKS

I have been sick most this week. And the move of my work place has not been going as smoothly for any of us in our department. This rush move is proving out to be just that. Phones, computers, copiers, printers..... none work. No one can get any work done. Except complain complain and egos build.

Tempers have risen in our department. Bouts with one another. I had my share with you know who. We are not talking now. All at the same time understanding, but not liking, that these battles are only making me stronger. Yesterday my boss had to call an emergency meeting in our department to ward off all evil coming upon one another. Not a good thing

SIGNIFICANCE

It is not easy to accept and believe good things about myself. Although by God's grace and the trusted people(s) He has put in my path to guide me, I am improving.

I was brought up in a negative alcoholic atmosphere. Significance was hard to find. My father was not there for me emotionally. He would criticize and shame me for something I was not able to do or expected to do at my age. Frustrating him. Talking to me in a condescending way or belittling me. He did not even have to say anything to me. He had a way of just looking at me. His eyes searing right to my little girls heart. Breaking it each time I disappointed him. I felt I was never good enough for him. At the same time my mum would not let me learn basic things, i.e. cooking, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, going on jobs interviews, etc. Usually pulling something out of my reach or speaking for me saying she would do it because she could not trust me with the responsibility. Never giving me the chance to prove myself.

I was 26 before I even learned how to drive. My dad gave me one quick lesson in a shopping center parking lot and then went on his merry way. He had no patience. I really wanted to learn from my father. But, at the same time I was fearful of his demeaning me. So, the bulk of my lessons came from my mum. You can just imagine how that went.

So I lived with confusion. Mixed signals. Even today I can find myself weighing certain things that I am confronted with. Fearful of the choices I may make. Whether I am capable and worthy to even attempt something without feeling shame or inferior.

“And he (that is, John the Baptist) will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children. And the hearts of the children to their fathers.” Malachi 4:6

EXHAUSTED IN HIM

These past few weeks, if you have been an avid reader of my blog, have been physically and emotionally exhausting.

My journey has taken me deeper into my pain. This is where the Healing Balm of my Lord is really beginning to touch my hurt.

The last couple of posts I have been praying specifically for a breakthrough to my pain. Especially with shame issues. No, I have not received the full breakthrough as of yet. But I am ever so close.

Last night I went to a once a month intimate intense prayer group. The Holy Spirit really shows up. His presence, although glorious, does take a lot out of you. I cannot wait until we get our glorified bodies in Heaven and never have to worry about physical exhaustion.

My soul has been really hungry for God.

So, when I woke up this morning..... my soul was still on fire and hungry for God. I said to Him, "Lord if you can give me the physical stamina for today, I will then attend yet another praise and worship service which is held every Saturday."

He gave me the strength to go to a Messianic Temple this morning. I cannot tell you how on fire the worship was. I even smelled the anointed oil in that place. It was their Easter service and the place was packed. I loved the reading of the Torah. To be among my Jewish brothers and sisters and we all hearing the Good News of Yeshua, is awesome to say the least.

Okay, now I am really exhausted after this. But, it is a good kind of exhaustion for a change. Tomorrow is yet another full day of praise and worship! So Lord, once again give me Your strength to honor and praise You.

Featured below is one of the songs they sang today, "Mighty To Save." We will also be singing this song tomorrow at my church.


Happy Easter everyone.

TAKING ON FEELING

For over two and a half years I have been facing my own places of weakness, vulnerability, loneliness and being broken in many areas. Learning on my journey I cannot expect a quick fix. In order to heal from past emotional pains and suffering, I must go through.

Compassion does not come easy for me. Compassion is hard for me to even express to myself let alone another human being.

Sure I can go through the motions with many of my feelings. But, that is all they are motions, not feelings.

ALTHOUGH..... over these last two and a half years, as my walls come down surrounding my damaged heart, and as my t. says, and I agree, "we are closer or even at the core of my pain now," more of my emotions are taking on feelings. Not totally.... but I see and feel the results. More tears when viewing or seeing someone struggle needlessly.

Shame remains to be my biggest stumbling block though. Shame has ruled me for most my life. From my parents critical and judgmental abuse to my brother sexually abusing me as a child. Shame strangles all my other emotions and drags them into its own very core, i.e. guilt, condemnation, self worth, confidence, etc.

I want to get to a place where compassion overrides my fears. Where I can go with someone else to their own pain and be there with them and feel.

"Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen

HURRIEDNESS WILL KILL ME

All my life I have hurried things. I contribute this to being criticized by both my parents. Desiring to please and finish up quickly to show "how good I am and to complete whatever in a timely manner." Fear plays a big part in my hurriedness.

Well, this hurriedness carries over to other areas of my life.

People have made fun of me if I am riding in their car and they are about to pull in to park, that I already have my seat belt unbuckled, the passenger side door open and I am ready to step out while the car is still in motion.

Which leads me to my latest deli-ma .....

Since I work further at my job now, I have a few options in driving to and from my home. Especially concerned at night, when I am tired, had enough of drama and just want to get home.

The interstate highway is the fastest route. You have to really be awake and alert as it is the most dangerous.

The other options are taking main routes (not the interstate) which are slower and have more lights.

Well, I guess you can tell which one I have been taking. Something I said I was not going to do. Until I realized, I want to get home quicker. So, along with my hurriedness, I do not have patience. Then all of a sudden I become this aggressive crazy driver on the interstate. A "crazy lane changer unlimited" only thinking of herself and wanting to get home and not deal with the traffic of cars and life at the same time. Sometimes feeling not too alert because of fatigue and impatience.

Again tonight after arriving home at a decent time (using the interstate), I get this check in my Spirit that I cannot keep on doing this to myself. Rushing like a mad woman out the door of my work place, in order to try and beat as much rush hour traffic as I can for the drive home.

So, I go back and forth in my mind with, "Do I want to live to see the next day and keep others safe around me and try not to be a crazy speed demon or should I try and go the slow route and not have conniption fits every time a slow driver or a stop light appears in front of me?"

This will be a tough battle for me to face. As I am very selfish and am thinking only of myself in this regard. I guess the more I heal and have more compassion on myself and others, this may change.

Each option are equally difficult for me. Both share frustration. I just do not know at this point in time how to relax.

RENTING SPACE IN MY HEAD

Assertiveness does NOT come easy for me. As a landlord to my own thinking/belief system, facing and throwing out some disruptive and very damaging tenants that have rented space way too long inside my head is definitely a scary challenge. Mr. Irrational Fear, Mr. and Mrs. Not Worthy, and especially The Shame Family are not always willing to go quietly when confronted.

ASK A BIRD......

The devotional below especially captures my heart. I have two birds. A almost 1 year old rambunctious male parakeet, Boobutt and a 22 year old male cockatiel, Zeb.

My parakeet's cage is in my room. I can spend hours upon hours watching him entertain himself and me with the brightly colored toys in his cage. He gleefully chirps. Becomes so very excited and sways from his swing, jumps down, does flips, pulls the colorful beads with his beak and foot, jumps up and rings the brightly green bell over and over and over again. Wearing it on top of his head when he rings it. (That is so cute I must say) His antics go on for hours. Makes watching television difficult at times. He has become a master now at mimicking the bell sound. So much so I cannot tell if it is him or the bell that is actually ringing.

Boobutt is so free! Sometimes I get emotional and jealous over how free he is. I want that freedom! Not a thing bothers him. In his bird head he is confident that someone will always feed him. Constantly enjoying his life. Carefree. Full of fun and song. My heart aches for such independence! My heart aches to return to such freedom as a child before things began to change for the worse.

The devotional asks us to be just as free. By seeing what our song can change today in our lives or in others? Possibly adding laughter and playfulness where there is sadness. Even if for a brief moment.

If your heart catches in your throat, ask a bird how she sings.—Cooper Edens

The idea of your heart getting caught in your throat and then asking a bird how she sings may seem silly. It is, but being silly is sometimes exactly what we need. Instead of always trying to figure out the lumps in our throats, we can learn how to sing with them.

Birds sing all day. Their songs are lighthearted and playful. And they bring us color along with their songs. We have all stopped to notice a special bird outside the window. A bird song can be a lullaby. It can be laughter. We need these things in our lives, too. By playing and laughing, we change the lumps in our throats to songs.

What sadness can I turn into song today?

Hazelden Foundation

JUST WANTED TO SHARE

I am really tired tonight. Went to church this morning. Oh, how I needed to go!! These last few days have been so exhausting for me. Church for me can last anywhere from 4-5 hours on a Sonday. Got replenished. But at the same time the Spirit can take a lot out of you. Whew!

Prompting this post was I just so happened to look over to the left on my blog and noticed that my Counter says over 100,000 visits. That is amazing. WoW! I started this blog a little over 2 and a half years ago.

Okay, I am pooped...... Took all I had just to type this post. Time to go night night......

PUSHING THROUGH WEARINESS

As exhausted as I was after a full day of moving and traveling back and forth to our new place at work yesterday, (will be going today as well to both offices to continue to unpack and move) I never looked so much forward to going home and just crashing. Not necessarily sleeping. Because I am not doing well in that department. Just wanting to get home and crash and unwind.

Problem was my Spirit. It kept on prompting me to remain dressed after work and head on over to Friday night praise and worship. I said, "Lord You have got to be kidding. I barely made it home tonight because I am exhausted and You want me to do what over where?"

The nudging of my Spirit persisted. Nudge, nudge, nudge. Leaving an impression on my heart that if I would go, the time I spend with the Lord would benefit me. Restarting and replenishing my tired soul. Well, I must admitted, my flesh Did Not Want To Oblige. I fought the Spirit on this one. Still deep down, I knew what I was feeling was to obey and for me to be in the presence of other believers.

I have had a rough few weeks emotionally and physically. Yesterday at work, my emotions were beat down severely by co-workers, the move and ego's being hurt. These past few weeks I feel I have been carrying additional frustrations and self worth issues. Somehow I knew if I would finally attend last night's worship service, some of these frustrations and pain would be released in tears. Sure enough the first song which the band played and sang, which is featured below, got the tears rolling. I needed this release so badly. God knew that. That is why He was after me to go.

PRAYER FOR EXHAUSTION

I found this Prayer for Exhaustion in my email this morning from someone anonymous. If you are reading this, thank you. I did not have a good night.

Tired, worried. So receiving this prayer was very comforting and encouraging.

The prayer is just not on exhaustion, but drawing nearer to God. Anyone can benefit from it. I hope it blesses you as it has me:

Prayer of Exhaustion
Father -

Today has been a day of complete exhaustion. People all day. Failure some of the day. Body tiredness. Muscle soreness. People pleasing. Receiving. Giving. Breathing heavy sighs of relief. You are the God who gives Grace to explore all of that and make it through. But, God just not make it through - but succeed in bringing you glory through all of that.

God, I want to please you more and more in my life. I want you more than ever. You are the only one who will not leave me. You are the one who has everything I want in life. You are my sustainer. You sanctify yet you love me exactly like I am. You accept my imperfections and all and yet want me to live in accordance with your Holy Word.

God, may the Words of Scripture be so clustered within me that I just say them and mean them and live by them, receive my rebuke and my correction from them, use them to mold me and break me of my sin. May what is in me come out - may my heart be purified by your living and active word.

God - let me live pleasing to you in these areas:

1. In being diligent - not just busy, but using my time wisely and being productive for your glory.

2. In getting up on time. Not pressing the snooze alarm. By even using my morning hours for your glory and the benefit of my home that you have given me.

3. In kindness and grace coming out of my mouth - at all times. Even when I am upset - I want to spout grace and breathe grace and being a gentle and quiet spirit.

4. In my body and how I take care of it - not how i eat because I'm exhausted just to eat - but that I continue to eat for fuel for living - not living to eat or eating a ton just because. Help me to be mindful that you are in control of what I put in my mouth - that I may even eat to your glory.

5. That I may be obedient to the relationships that you have called me to. That I would exhort those who need exhorting, learning from those who I need to learn from, and dispense grace. May I grow in selflessness - and patience, and learning that you are in control of all my relationships. You will allow some to grow, some to fade. Do not let me live in Gen 3 land. Be in control - don't let me take control.

6. Help me to live in 1 Peter 3 land - of the gentle and quiet spirit and not the braiding of hair. You are the giver of all good things when it comes to my outside life and I want to live it in accordance with your word.

God - I do want to be a gentle and quiet Spirit. I want to breathe grace. I want to live in your spirit and by your Spirit and not live or walk by my flesh which I do so often. Help me to shut my mouth more and breathe in more of your grace. Speak more of your grace. but not just speaking your grace - but being grace-filled - so it is just who I am - because you have so much control over me.

God - I can't do this in and of myself. You are so much higher than me. I am often like the Israelite's who do well for a bit and then turns and please other gods. those other gods have nothing on you. The gods of people pleasing, gods of perfect self, the gods of knowing everything and not taking correction or critique - you are the ONE TRUE GOD!

God - may I be your daughter - learn from you, draw close to you. Love you - live you - breathe you.

Jesus - you are the one who lives to intercede for me - I thank you.

**UPDATE** HEALING YOUR HIDDEN HURTS

UPDATE

I have two seconds to check my blog as right now my computer at work is being closed down and packed. I am really touched by you of your comments to me. I truly am. I cannot tell you how this helps me emotionally! You guys are the best. Thank you.



Thank you all for your support and prayers from my previous post.

I have been really relying on God more than ever this week to get through. I really do not know how I have been holding on, if it was not for Him! Feeling so barren and weak.

This week has been very stressful. Besides dealing with my emotional self, exhaustion, tears, trouble sleeping, having my monthly cramps/headache, feeling agitated, our department (ll people in all) is moving.

I have been packing, lifting, moving schlepping stuff, along with my co-workers, some 18 miles further away back and forth since yesterday. Today and tomorrow will be even busier. In order to be fully moved in on Monday. Not guaranteeing anything will be working properly, including myself.

Meanwhile, desperately holding on to what little emotional stability still remains. Fighting reverting back to my La La Land in order to suppress what is going on around and in me. Trying to let life just happen, without blocking it. I continue to choose to let the healing continue......

I am determined, no matter what!

HARD BATTLE

The last few days have really be hard for me emotionally and physically. A very hard weekend for me to deal with. One of the worst. At times I wanted to give up and die. Only by the grace of God am I able to get myself to work today.

Emotionally because God continues to take me through my painful past. Past emotions that are only intensifying. Painful triggers that I cannot and will not avoid, otherwise I revert back to isolation. A place I do not want to be.

This time around I am learning not to complain as much. Instead, replacing my complaints with, "This is all part of my journey. The pain is what I have to go through to get to the other side."

Little by little, the healing continues.

Physically, because I have been more tired and exhausted than normal. (see past posts) Hard to fight anymore emotionally when I am exhausted.

The journey the Lord has me on to healing, has my walls surrounding my heart breaking down fiercely now. Eventually He will have me completely broken in order to be set free totally.

NO FIGHT IN ME

Had t. today. I am really really really tired. At these times I feel even more exposed and vulnerable. Not that my t. would take advantage of me. As I feel safe with my t. But the times that I am really exhausted and have t. I notice a change in my behavior "big time." I am incline to let even more of my defensive's down. Not that I am not already open and transparent, but I become even more transparent (I am pretty deep to begin with) when I am too weak to even fight myself in trying to "protect myself emotionally."

When I am at my weakest, some times my spirit is more sensitive to my surroundings and I can pick up on things easier in the spirit realm. If that makes any sense.

More walls are let down when I do not have "fight" in me to protect me. Which all in all is probably not a bad thing for progress sake. Only thing is, I need to be able to accomplish this feat without having exhaustion contributing to my progress.

So when I am even more transparent because of exhaustion, more things are said and exposed. But seem harder to explain when I am tired. Making me frustrated. Not wanting to elaborate any further. Then I wonder if I even got my point across the way it sounded so wonderfully normal and rash inside my head. As once my thoughts leave my brain and go out of my mouth then "Houston We've Got A Problem."

When I left t. tonight and was able to process somewhat what went on, as what I was trying to explain to my t. on a particular point, the word "Deception" came into my mind. Which oddly enough and I cannot figure this part out, leads me to feeling insecure???? I do not know where deception plays a part in this process at this time. I do know I hate being deceived big time. So, I am sure in my past I have been terribly hurt by people who have deceived me and made fun of me.

I hope I made sense.

IMPURE THOUGHTS and DESIRES

I am receiving a new line of attack from the devil. Well, more intense. He has always attacked me in this area. I have been noticing each morning (as this is the worst) he attacks me with sexual desires and memories of my brother and the few encounters that I had that were intimate with others. Explicit images and memories.

The devil is lying to me that this is the way to go. Look what I am missing out on.

I feel my heart racing. Anger and whatever other kind of emotion building up in me during this time.

Why now? Why so much.

I feel myself overcome. Shame. Guilty.

I go to prayer, plead the blood. And usually I am much better. But, it seems more and more the attacks are getting stronger in this area. I know I have been under a lot of stress these days, both emotionally and physically.

SELF REMEDIES

On top of dealing with emotional stuff and working through areas of my life, once a month I get more depressed and extremely tired than normal. Some times to the point of exhaustion. Where I am at today. At times making it really hard to function in the world. Dealing with people becomes even more irritating as well as I! Wanting to rip some times people's heads off! Lasting a couple of weeks. A lot to do with the "change" for me, I believe.

I have been taking for over three weeks now some Progesterone and Primrose Seed Oil products. Along with many of the "B" and "D" vitamins. Hoping to build myself up along with helping with my mood swings. Mainly I want to see as well if any of these remedies help with my migraines which can last a few days. Since it is a hormonal thing. I did not have a migraine last month. But, some times I do not. In the next couple of months I will know if any of these products helps. Right now, I just want to stay in bed and not face the aggravation of life. But, I will. With God's help!

ZONED OUT

Still battling with some sleep issues and depression.

For what it is worth, my mum got the results back from her second lab test (see post HERE).

It was determined that the first test was tainted or something like that. She has no blood in the urine, no infection.

So as of last Friday, she was dying. Making herself and me crazy with unnecessary fear. Which then produces other kinds of fear resulting in panic. And today she gets a clean bill of health. Riding high as a kite.

TWILIGHT ZONES OF OUR HEART

It never ceases to amaze me how I can see through some people and predict their next move, know them pretty well. Then at the same time I cannot see some obvious things within me that others notice. Go figure.

I really like what this quote says.

"There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves-our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives-large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen

MUM'S DOCTOR VISIT

Last Friday my mum went to her doctor for her quarterly check up. They found blood in her urine. The doctor asked her to give another sample and it would be re-checked. Her doctor's office would give her a call some time this week with the results.

Naturally, if you know anything about my mum, she goes right from A to Z with fear. Believing she has cancer. I was consoling her most of the weekend, praying for her, giving her Scripture to meditate on, etc.

She brought home the paper of her first lab result. She had my brother Google the results. Google came up with only a bladder infection. This has eased my mum's mind. Naturally we will not know the "true" outcome, until the second lab results come in this week. But, I certainly was not going to poo-poo this Google find. For with this news my mum is a bit calmer. And easier to manage. Imagine that?

She is finding time to call me more often now. Complaining that we do not talk much. That I am withholding information from her. That I do not come around to see her. She is fidgety.

Yesterday, with a quivering voice, she was just going to pop on over unannounced. Something I told her before not to do, unless she calls me first. Mind you I talk to her two times daily and I saw her twice last week.

When I speak with her now, she rapid fires off questions to me about my life and what I am doing, what church am I attending, where have I been going, who am I seeing. She has no friends and she wants to spend more time with me.

She is trying to step over my boundaries again! Being possessive and controlling to the tee. I can blame it on her latest fear with the findings of her doctor visit. But, that will only give her an excuse for what she has been doing most my life. Calling the shots.

Lord Help!!!

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Thank you to all who responded to my previous post.

In reading some articles on the internet about arrested development, most articles state it is when you have stopped developing (socially, mentally, in every way) after a certain age, usually around 13.

I know I had stopped well before the age of 13. I can so relate to having the social skills of a 9, 10, 11, 12 year old at times and not really care about adult matters. Many adult responsibilities frustrate me. I do not want to deal with them. I have taken notice, when conversing and processing I find myself intellectually smaller many times. Because I am still dealing with a little JBR.

Some of the causes of arrested development are: Trauma, Rejection by one or both parents; Incest; Sexual Molestation; Emotional Abuse; Physical Abuse, Controlling, Loneliness, Severe illness etc.

When any of these types of abuses are done to a child at a very young age, it is believed that is when the child's development gets arrested at that age. Certainly makes sense to me. I am proof. And I am sure, sadly many of you are as well.

Even one article said that Arrested Development is a powerful evil spirit. A spirit that is able to destroy in body, soul and spirit. The mind, will and emotions are particularly vulnerable to attack. Satan has his hands in all evil.

But, I thank God, He is slowly delivering me. I hate the slowly part. I want the emotional arrested part finished! Many times I would rather not grow up. A scary and painful process to become an adult. To face life. To take on adult responsibilities. But, I know the Lord has every intention for me to become a full grown JBR one day.

STRUGGLING

Struggling today.