UPDATE ON MUM

Thank you to the ones who posted uplifting comments and prayers to me yesterday.

A few things are going on with my mum. Her b/p at yesterday's doctor's appointment was 186/80. High. She was nervous. She takes meds for her blood pressure. She is a diabetic. Takes meds for that. But was told to watch more closely her blood sugar. And then the final thing, as you all are quite aware of, she is a very fearful person.

By listening to her symptoms these past few days, anxious, nervous, heart palpitation, excessive sweating, I came to the conclusion that she could be possibly having panic attacks. I mentioned that to her. She denied that up the kazoo. "No not me. I have no problems with that." Meanwhile she has been taking Xanax twice a day after her husband died six years ago. The doctor yesterday became the psychiatrist. I sat in on their session. She wanted me there as she was very anxious and nervous and needed my support.

I know panic attacks are not fun. They are scary. I just experienced some real doozy's myself a few months back on my journey. So, I understand the fear. And since I have been brought up in this "fear environment," I know how it can exacerbate.

She was even arguing with the doctor saying that she is not depressed, nor fearful or unhappy when he questioned her. So, there I am sitting quietly looking at the doctor's expression. Knowing he knows she is in full denial. The symptoms prove otherwise. Even I know this! Finally, she listens to him. Not. She just does not like being labeled "having panic attacks." She thinks she is invincible.

The doctor gave her another prescription for her anxiety, Fluoxetine/Prozac. He told her to continue to keep taking the Xanax twice a day plus this new prescription once a day to see if her anxiety lessens. Telling her to give it time. She is already worried that it will not work.

The doctor said it will take a few weeks to really see affects from the new meds. So, she will continue to have episodes until her system gets regulated with the anxiety/depression meds, and controlling her blood sugar. I have to keep on reminding her of this, and that she is not dying. To calm down, etc.

So, after spending most of yesterday with her, missing work, listening to her dying wishes, constantly reassuring her that she is not dying at the moment, her parting words to me were, "Don't use up all your vacation time. (Perplexed look on my face) You will need those days the next time this will happen." My jaw dropped, and I said to her, "Did you hear anything the doctor said to you about your fears?" She got angry.

Again, thank you all for your support!

My plan today is to go and get Spiritually replenished.

I NEED IT!!!!!

TAKING MY MUM TO THE ER/DOCTOR TODAY

After speaking with my mum this morning and assessing her situation, please keep my mum in prayer. Her symptoms that she has been complaining about are not improving and she is really bad. I ask for strength as well for myself.

I will be taking her to her doctor's if she can get in, if not the ER.

TOO MUCH EXPECTATION

I put way too much pressure on myself when it coms to work.

Even a "second" takes too long in my book.

Frustrated, angry.

JBR count now, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7 1/2, 8,........

Breathe, breathe.

This is the air I breathe.....
Your Holy Spirit.....

MASKS

Even though I am pretty good now at not wearing masks, once in a while I need to be reminded. For the most part, I try and be as real as best I can. Some times there is a price to be paid for being real. That is the painful part. Do not like that bit. But, in hindsight, it is worth it in the end. As there is freedom in realness.

Sure, I still have my insecurities and fears that tend to let me cover up my pain. After all, I am human. My mask can give off a personification that "Hey I Have Everything Under Control." When in fact, I am still crumbling inside.

I can recall some inquiring when I was in my thirties if my parent's divorce or the sexual abuse from my brother affected me. Replying, "No, should it of?" Besides giving the appearance I was a-ok, my feelings were so shut down I was in total denial. So I covered up.

I hope this reminder encourages any who struggle with being "the real you:"

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.—Andre Berthiaume

The masks we wear are as varied as those who wear them, but their purpose is quite simple. We wear masks to hide our real faces from those around us and even from ourselves. Sometimes we want to take on another identity so others won't see our insecurities. Or we think taking the form of someone else will give us power over others, or they will like us better, or we can escape ourselves.

The cost of wearing a mask is not getting a chance to develop our real personalities. What masks are we attached to? Are we willing to give them up in the interest of our spiritual growth?

May I have the courage to drop my phony masks in order to grow stronger in self-knowledge.

Hazelden Foundation

ROAD RAGE

Feeling worthless equals Road Rage!!!!!!!!!!!!

The traffic is only a trigger. Road Rage is the worst for me. If I felt good about myself, this stuff would not bother me. But, this has been a really bad week for me, and I am just not feeling good about myself.

Lord I do not want to die prematurely.

You have given me once again a visible warning manifesting on my body. Something I better really think about.

ZAPPED EMPTY

I am fighting hard to function today. I am really discouraged and more depressed than normal. I really believe "the change of life" for me has an affect. Alongside of Monday's at work is very physical for me, as well as the emotional crap from peers trying to suck the life out of me and the "mother." And me putting so much pressure on myself to get my work done.

I feel I have been hit by a ten ton truck.

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I am dead dog tired. Brain dead. Agitated Emotionally and physically. Even breathing is a chore. Lethargic. I feel my body has been zapped empty. I do not want to face anyone with their own issues. I really want to be left alone for a bit.... but, I know that is impossible.

This earthly body of mine is really tiresome. Cannot wait for the day to be glorified!

So here I go. Gather what little I have of myself, give my whole being to the Lord and say, "Daddy, even though I feel You are soooooooo far away from me at this time, it is by Your strength not mine that I go on. Daddy You will have to sustain me and give me the strength! I CANNOT face this day alone!"

MOTHER'S DAY VISIT/HOW OLD AM I?

Naturally any visit to my mum's does not go off without some kind of hitch. She was not satisfied with the flowers I brought her for Mother's Day. No 'thank you' just these words, "Where is my Mother's Day Card?" Naturally she had to show me my brother's card (who never goes out to buy her one, but makes it on his computer). That was okay. He sent no flowers. Whatever....

Just before I left to go home she pops this on me. She would like me to wash her floors from now on. She says it is getting hard for her.

I have to think of some kind of schedule. She wants me every week. No! I will NOT DO IT EVERY WEEK. I cannot give up my Saturdays to go wash floors. She will not hire anyone.

I cannot believe she even asked me to clean. Something she would not let me do in the past. She is very tight with her money and would not think of hiring a professional. Also with me she can DICTATE. And I mean dictate. She will tell me how to dip the mop in the bucket. How long to keep it in water. How much water to put on the floor. How many strokes. Not to rush the process, etc. She will control, supervise and make me nuts. With someone else she will have to trust them. She did not even trust me tonight to put the left overs in a plastic bag. She said I would not know how to divide them.

How old am I?

SLAPPING DISORDER

Had t. And to be perfectly honest with you, I thought what I would share would be difficult to explain. First after leaving t. I was not going to write anything at all about what transpired. I thought it would just be too hard to explain. But, when I got home I was compelled by the Holy Spirit to sit down at my computer and start to type. So, it is the leading of the Holy Spirit desiring to share what I am going to write.

One sure sign that I know the Holy Spirit is in on any of my posts is that my words will flow without struggle. Also, I felt a check in my spirit that someone out there, maybe a regular reader, or someone just visiting, needs to read what I am about to write and could also identify in some way in order to help them along as well.

My session contained dynamics that were very interesting. Along with the usual emotional struggles I share, the physical side of me came out in what I could only describe as an "A-ha profound and unexpected moment."

What happened was when I was explaining something to my t. I saw earlier that day, where a co-worker became emotional and began crying, I shared how I long for that day where my tears would flow so easily. What I said was oh so very real. That being said, that stirred something in Big JBR! Right at that moment it was like Big JBR took control and literally slapped the little one in the face. To bring her back to reality. Which I did. Now to me this is normal. I have done it all my life. I do not think twice about it. Never have. But, my t., being good at what she does and sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading, picked up on it right away.

"What was that?"

What was what I replied?

"Slapping yourself in the face."

Right then Big JBR was found out. She became silent. She felt convicted. Could not make heads or tails as to why the big fuss over slapping herself draws so much attention. At this point the little one already went into hiding once Big JBR slapped her. My t. explained to me (Big JBR) that we do not "hit" the little one. Big JBR just sat there trying to reason what was the big deal. One thing about Big JBR she does listen to people that she does trust when called on the carpet. Yes she is a fighter. But at the same time, she is a wounded fighter and knows when to stop and listen. Because Big JBR is part of the little one, and as they become one, they know this is the only route to take to healing. So the Big one settles down and listens what her t. has to say and comprehends. Realizing finally what she does to herself by hitting the Little one is a reaction to NOT letting the little one become real. (Crying tears) Big JBR has to put her into her place. Usually Big JBR can do that just by talking and reasoning to the little one. But, since the little one is becoming stronger, Big JBR is now using more physical force. Big JBR is responding out of when mum would discipline the little one when growing up by a hand to the face. Not letting her be real. A form of control and submission.

So, what seemed perfectly normal, is not. So, NOW when I am confronted or even find myself about to or slapping myself, I will know this is wrong. Also become aware that it is Big JBR holding back the little one from progress and this is wrong and needs to stop. The little one does NOT deserve this punishment. What little JBR was accused of in the past of being real and being reprimanded for it, she is not responsible for other people's actions towards her. It was not her fault. She needs to be respected and feel worthy. Be gentle. Also, hopefully taking note at the moment, what is triggering the slapping. What is the Big one trying to prevent the little one from experiencing?

My slapping is not the norm. It is part of how I deal with releasing my emotional pain. It is part of my reaction to what was done to me as a child and how I handle certain life situations today. A form of self punishment. Self injury.

I posted the title to read "Slapping Disorder." Never hearing or reading about this being called as such. But in reality I believe that is what it is. If not, then I coin the name today.

My slapping can be compared to someone cutting, or an eating disorder, pulling your hair out, burning yourself, etc. Sure more painful and deadly are some, but what we do to ourselves stems from the same root of pain. Just comes out in different ways.

GOD WILL NOT ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION

"Daddy it is too hard!
I am tired.
I am sick.
I am in pain both emotionally and physically.
I am afraid.
I feel alone and uncertain.
I am discouraged.
I want to give up."

That is me "currently" in a nutshell.

That being said, I heard on the internet yesterday a preacher talk about how God will not give up on us.

God will not accept our resignation. To quit.

These past few years have had many painful seasons that He has walked with me through. Still many to come. As hard as some of these seasonal pangs have been, 'they were not for not.'

At the time I certainly did not enjoy reliving or rehashing painful memories. Memories that I stuffed so far down, I did not even know existed. With each opportunity of growing closer to God and counseling, a bit more of trust would emerge to break down another layer of walls. To reveal a very little and frightenly hurt JBR. So afraid to come out from behind her walls. To speak about her pain. Shaking in her little boots.

But, who then would be able to finally begin to get in touch with some feelings that she had not felt in years. Especially anger and grief (loss of childhood). More feelings to come though as she continues her healing.

JBR prevailed!

So now I sense some "big" gates are ready to be opened. That is if I do not quit!

If I were to quit, I would miss out on what He has planned for me. He is ready to bring the fire of His presence. In a day, He can turn everything around. He is ready to send a fresh new spirit. God will give me, give you, give all of us what we need to go forward. For our own personal journeys to restoration. He is in your pain with you. He knows exactly what will get us through. We just need to continue or begin to trust Him. Completely.


I hear Him crumbling up my resignation note and tossing it back to earth.....

Is He doing the same with yours?

BATTLING DREAD

I have had a rough week. Since our department has moved, a little over two weeks now, I have only been in the new office twice in those two weeks. Mainly because, my primary job keeps me at the original office a guarantee of one day, and possibly two. But, in these last two weeks I ended up being in the original office most of the time. There has been a lot of strife among my co-workers since the move. Which does not help matters.

Last week I was planning on FINALLY spending time in the new destination until Wednesday when I became sick and have not been back to work since then. What is that all about God, huh? That is another post in itself. Although I can probably sum it up in two words, "Time Out." So despite still not feeling well, yesterday I did go into work. In order to try and catch up as best I could. But, come Monday, I will once again be in the original office all day.

Where am I going with this post......

The move and change of surroundings have not been too kind. A lot of unresolved emotions are coming out in us. Especially "yours truly." The lack of participation at the new place, and the sudden change for me of some job responsibilities has me on edge, worried and discouraged. To the point, that I feel out of the loop. Having no say so. Detached. Not present. Very much alone. When I get this way, I get the eerie feeling of dread in my soul. (Same type of curse I refer to from my previous post) Something the enemy plays Big Time with me. Something I have to constantly fight.

This kind of presence is evil itself, trying to work its way into my soul and thinking. I have tasted this presence too many times before and it is like a dark heaviness. Having to pray ahead of time more for Jesus to cover myself and my place of work by His blood. Bind up every demon spirit that is in there and ask for mighty giant warrior angels to protect me.

What continues to impress upon my heart undeniably is the fact that if I were at the point of having my self worth so very strong and totally rooted in Christ, most of my struggles, definitely the way I perceived situations negatively would improve or become non-existent. Just not there yet.....