ORPHANS OF GOD

I was playing this song the other day over and over again. For some reason there are certain songs that affect me emotionally and bring me back to the first time I heard the song.

I heard this song over two years ago when I was going to my Thursday night group for Life Skills. A group I was not comfortable with at the time. I did not fit in. Felt like an orphan. I would play this song before class again and again.

The words were very powerful for me at the time. Now.....the words are not only powerful, but meaningful. Shows another aspect of my growth.

But....when I hear this song NOW, it is haunting. For some reason I am uncomfortable with listening to it. And some times I have to turn it off. Because I get painfully and emotionally uncomfortable as my heart begins to reconnect and heal.

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft’ abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

BETTER TODAY - I SURRENDER

Follow up to yesterday's rant post. I did have trouble with sleep. But, that is okay. Was able to sort things out. Getting over my rage is becoming quicker now. That is improvement. Realizing I am only hurting myself physically especially at this point, and emotionally with these still tantrums.

I am determined to forgive myself. Starting this moment. Then I will be able to forgive others. No matter the cost.

Suck up my pride. Let Jesus have my pain. Try not to care what others think. What I may look like on the outside, i.e. weak. But, knowing and starting to believe I am strong on the inside! Start believing and walking out who I am in Christ!

Begin saying good things about people that I have issues with. Or at least begin to start not saying bad things about them and keep my mouth shut!!

I cannot live with this physical pain of stress any longer. I know this will not be an easy battle, but "I surrender Lord."

Listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, as I do every morning, confirmed today what I wrote above.

I guess this is one of the requirements to "really stepping out of my comfort zone."

COMFORT ZONE

I believe that my "true" calling will be found and fulfilled way out of my comfort zone.

Yikes!

I have to really push past my fears in order to see what God really has for me. That includes not only working on my past hurts, dealing with forgiveness and unforgiveness and resentment, but at the same time recognizing what God is showing me in the present and to begin to step out.

Double Yikes!!

Let me tell you, this is something I Do Not Want To Do! But, at the same time, I feel the stirring inside that I Do Not Want To Miss Out On What God Has For Me!

Triple Yikes!!!

I am scared!

BEATING MYSELF UP

I am doing a bit better with not beating myself up. When I say a "bit better," I mean after I find myself beating myself up about something, I am recognizing it sooner. So, I "try" not to repeat the action over in succession.

Beating myself up in my case means: Me, verbally attacking my character. Not allowing myself to be human and make mistakes. Feeling like a failure. Don't measure up. Calling myself, "stupid," "dummy" or other four letter words when I feel more inadequate than normal and think people are judging and laughing at me. Self loathing. Also reprimanding myself for something that "I felt" is expected of me to have known. Then there is the physical aspect of my beating up on myself where I will slap, hit or even bang my head/face as punishment.

Yesterday at work I found a few times beating myself up. But each time, I was quicker to realize this needs to stop. Whether it was getting furious with myself under my breath over something I had no control over, or hitting myself on the side of the head because in my eyes "I should have known something," I am slowly realizing little JBR does not deserve this abuse from the older one. Big JBR needs to accept the grace that not only her heavenly Father offers, but also then extend it to the little one as well.

WHERE WERE YOU GOD?

I know many of you can relate to this topic. I will just let the devotional speak for itself. At the same time understanding the words may be difficult for some of us:

"How long, O Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen? Or cry out
to you, "Violence!" but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds." Habakkuk 1:2-3,13

Where were you God? Where were you when I needed you? Didn't you see the violence? The abuse? The injustice? Didn't you care? There are times in recovery when we are full of questions about God. The pain of past trauma can be intensified when we begin to struggle with these hard questions about God.

It is important to acknowledge that these questions about God are not academic questions. No theoretical explanation of the problem of pain will soothe our raging, confused hearts. These are urgent, personal questions about God and about God's involvement in our lives. We want to know that God sees and cares and intervenes in our lives. We need God. We need God's love. We need God's help.

It is an important source of encouragement to know that we are not the first to ask these hard questions. There is clear biblical precedent for asking difficult questions about God. People of faith have always struggled with questions like these. We can take comfort and courage from knowing that the prophets also asked urgent questions similar to our own.

God, I am afraid.
I don't understand.
Violence and abuse happen and you do not stop it.
You seem absent.
You seem uncaring.
I need to know that you see and care.
I am calling to you for help, God.
Please hear me.
Please respond.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

Even though I totally believe that God was right there in the midst of my circumstances, but "why" He let what happened to me or "why" He did not rescue me, I may not fully know or understand this side of heaven. That is one of the mysteries of God.

Once in a while I still find myself angry at God for the "way" I turned out. And I certainly understand the reaction of anger for any of us who have gone through trauma. One thing I believe now by going through what I personally have is that I can relate better to others who have gone through the same thing I have to encourage and help. So, that may be part of His Big plan.....

LIVING IN THE PRESENT

There is a part of me that still struggles to live in the present.

I had way too much time on my hands growing up. A loner most my life. Surviving childhood trauma, I had nothing better to do then to find a way to protect myself from further pain.

Always analyzing and trying to predict what "may" happen in the days ahead. Whether in a personal situation, conflict, a person, school, work, family, etc. Always worrying and thinking ahead, along with remembering my painful past. Relying on my own judgements and decisions. Not letting "today" happen for itself.

Let me tell you, doing this kind of analyzing is very exhausting, fearful and frustrating.

SO........

God wants to give me His Grace to live in the present. To t-r-u-s-t Him. He would want me to depend totally on Him. To give Him all my worries. To live the moment(s) He has given me "in the now."

Also having to concentrate on letting go of my past. Yes, my past was sad, unhappy and damaging. But God wants me to begin to live in the present now. Begin a-new.

Will not be easy. But, doing so, giving myself over to Him is all part of my journey to freedom.

My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for one day at a time. That's why it is essential for you to learn how to live in the present.

Your mind so easily slips into the future, where worry is abound. You also spend way too much time analyzing the past. Meanwhile, splendors of the present moment parade before you, and you don't even notice. Part of the problem is your tendency to strive for self sufficiency. I will help you learn to rest in My sufficiency, depending on Me more and more.

You need My grace in order to live in the present. Grace is all about My provision for you, but accepting that goes against the grain of your natural tendencies. Each day you face a number of situations requiring My help. Moment by moment I proffer to you the needed assistance. Your part is to recognize your neediness and receive what I offer.

My Presence is with you always, providing everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow's needs. My sufficiency is for a day at a time - today!

Sarah Young - Jesus Lives "Seeing His Love in Your Life"

I specifically purchased this book recently. Out of all the other books she has to offer, I wanted something on God's love. A topic very hard for me to feel and understand.

CIRCUIT OVERLOAD

Yesterday in t. we picked up on where we left off the following week. Lately I tend to draw a blank and have to be reminded for some reason what was covered. It is like, "oh yeah yeah, that is right we did talk about that." Glad someone remembered.

So where does my mind go in a weeks time? Some times I wonder. Poof!

It is not that I am not putting into action the "tools" I am learning in t. during the week. It is just when I have a lot going on emotionally, my brain circuits fire up and scream "overload." Verbally I am not much of a talker. But, when I get this way it is like, ah, duh, ummm..... woooo ....

When I am like this my depression worsens and I tend to forget more. Depression can do that.

RESENTMENT/FORGIVENESS

RESENTMENT a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Although I am struggling particularly at this time dealing with resentment, which is an issue from my past that plays into my insecurities, it is not fun!

Since I have lead mostly an isolated life, no real friends, no real social life, no real nothing...... resentment really was not an issue. Interaction with people was limited. No deep relationships at all.

Not until starting my journey some three years ago. Where God is using people currently in my life (since I am becoming freer) to draw out what layed dormant and festered along with other emotionally painful crap all these years from my childhood.

Resenting people(s) hurting, abusing, using me. The affects that my parents divorce had on me. The emotional pain of the splitting up of my family and verbal abuse. My brother sexually violating me as a child which instilled a tremendous amount of fear still locked up inside of me to this day are all part of the resentment pain of my past that I am experiencing now. Angry and resentful that part of my life was taken away from me, mainly out of fear of my past hurts.

Dealing with resentment now, is a big chore. As there are more people in my life now that I am not ignoring or running away from, that there is more of the possibility of getting hurt. Once again.

God has me in a situation at this moment where I have to extend forgiveness. Something I do not really understand nor never ever done. Forgiving is something I am learning. Not only learning to forgive others, but myself. Which is even a harder chore.

Not dealing with the emotional and physical turmoil that resentment can cause will undoubtedly eat you up inside if you will NOT let it go. Not an easy task. And for me something that is not going away over night.

POINT OF FREEDOM

"When" I reach the point where what man's negative opinion thinks of me does not bother me anymore, and that shame that is not rightfully mine is a lost memory, then I know I have reached freedom!

I just want to go emotionally to bed.

HEAL THE WOUND

I am hurting. This songs says it all.

DON'T RUSH THE JOURNEY

"Don't rush your journey." Were the words my t. told me last session.

I have a tendency to "rush" everything. I want it to be over with. To be finished.

But, in one's journey, one cannot rush. Take for granted. Miss opportunities. God has me in the right place at the right time with the right people with the right circumstances with the right amount of emotional and physical pain. He has it all under control.

At the same time, God's Grace is hard for me to accept. Yet. Sure I can believe that "you" are worthy enough to receive His Grace, but not me. That is why I continue to be so very hard on myself. A problem, a sinful act that I may be struggling with that can be easily forgiven with repentance on my part, gets screwed up in my mind where I do not accept God's Grace. Spiraling into shame for days on end. Giving free reign for depression and suicidal thoughts to prevail.

I know I have not posted in a while. Even now I am finding it difficult to write a post. To share how I am doing. Where I am at on my journey. Words do not come easy to me to explain my present state right now. Only wish that you could get inside my head (briefly, as I do not think you would want to stay there), and know what I am going through. Hopefully in a few days I will be able to share a bit more.

DIFFICULTY

I have had a difficult week. Picking up from last Sonday and the work the Holy Spirit has been doing in my core with regards to very painful feelings of abandonment, loneliness, purpose and sadness.

Daily I really had to turn to the Lord and to His Word. Sometimes finding myself sobbing uncontrollably. In a desperate state. Having to fight and pull myself out of the muck continuously. Fighting the raging negative thoughts of despair, fear, depression and hopelessness.

Many times I look at my progress thus far on my journey, and find myself still questioning, "have I gained any ground?" Still seeing a very weak, vulnerable, angry and hurt little girl.

Been asking God that I may find happiness in the smallest things. It is hard for me. Happiness has alluded me most my life. Let me tell you, it is a very sad, hopeless and depressive existence.

I have difficulty determining what happiness is or even getting excited about positive steps in "my" life. I would not be honest if I did not say I still think many times "my life is meaningless and worthless." "Will I ever experience true happiness?" "Will I ever be happy with who I Am?"

The only time as an adult that I recall experiencing what I thought was "real happiness," was a few years ago in a "ever so brief" dysfunctional relationship. There were so many "wrong" elements involved though. Infatuation, the need to be nurtured and loved, worthy, etc. Resulting in sin.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. But, I did not care. I even remember telling God "I did not care." When I think about that now, that took a lot of guts to say! Flat out yelling to God, I am going to feel happy for once in my life no matter the consequences or what You think. I hurt so terribly. I wanted to be happy so desperately.

Later on through t., I learned I was only acting out of my own pain. Showing me that man cannot make nor sustain my happiness. Only God can. Which for me at this point, remains hard and difficult.

I am sure a lot of my emotional pain is due to the stress I have been under these past weeks. And probably I am getting closer to my breakthrough. With that all being said, still does not make my journey any easier or painless.....

STITCH BY STITCH

The Lord continues to do major surgery in me. I have not been able to worship Him at my church in a few weeks. With the major crises with my mum and other personal issues, has kept me away.

Today, in His house, I was able to worship and be in His presence. Was a welcomed experience.

Towards the end of the service, I felt the deep surgical touch of the Lord hitting some painful areas of my core that only He can get into. It hurt emotionally what was going on today. Deep sadness, loneliness and feelings of abandonment. These are very hard for me.

I knew I have been suffering these past weeks emotionally and physically as well. Wondering how long can I hold on. A lot of desperation cries of "Where are You God?" "How much more can I take?"

There is no warning when the Spirit starts probing my pain. I have learned that there is no sense in fighting against my pain. As emotionally painful I may feel during this time, and knowing I have been ministered by Him before in these areas I continue to be open to His healing touch. However long and painful it may take.

I can even feel and experience my demeanor changing while the Spirit is moving and probing inside me. Like a "let go" type of feeling which soon is followed by exhaustion. I sense there still is a lot more "pain" inside that He still needs to get at. A wound that will take a lot longer to heal.

This song shares how all my broken pieces, some removed, and some realigned, are being put back stitch by stitch by the Spirit. He knows what trials await me this coming week. Better than I do. He knows the pain I will go through. But, each time another stitch will have to be sown when a painful issue has to be addressed. Knowing I am slowly being repaired to what He intended me to be. W-H-O-L-E.

Blue and black,
Heart torn out.
You uncover what's beneath my skin.

There and back.
Theres no doubt your touch is my medicine.

I'll be ok, cause you heal me.
And I give you all my pieces broken.
In your hands there is nothing that you can't fix.

My heart is frayed, my scars are open.
So put me back together now stitch by stitch.
Put me back together now stitch by stitch.

What you say, without words
Resuscitates what was numb inside.

So repair me every thread of me.
Cause you're bringing me back to life.

I'll be ok cause you heal me.
And I give you all my pieces broken.
In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix.

My heart is frayed, my scars are open.
So put me back together now stitch by stitch.

I'm still afraid of falling
Some how its taking over me.
Don't ever let me let it go.

There and back.
There's no doubt your touch makes me whole again.

And I give you all my pieces broken
In your hands there's nothing that you can't fix

My heart is frayed, my scars are open
Put me back together now stitch by stitch
Put me back together now stitch by stitch,
So put me back together now stitch by stitch

ROUGH TIME

Have been having a rough time these days with my issues.

Yesterday, I had to help my mum up literally from an enama insertion and that she just barely made it to the bathroom. She is still weak. She will be having her operation end of August some time for the removal of the cancerous growth on her kidney that the doctor's discovered while she was in the hospital last week for heart problems.

I am at work trying to catch up and also take my mind off some things for the moment.

I am trying not to live with dread wondering what the "next phone call" from her will be. God help!!

Want to thank you all for your kind words of support and prayers.

WHEN I HAVE NOTHING LEFT.......

This video will speak for me......

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE

Please, this is just a vent post.

Just got a frantic call from my mum at work.

In a few minutes I have to go to my mum's. She is in severe pain from constipation (probably from the side affects of her new medication) and she needs me near by when she does the doosh enma thing. She is afraid she will not be able to get up after she inserts.

I am so burnt out and emotionally weak.