FRAGILE

The last few months have been extremely trying for me. Dealing with my health issues, breaking away 'still' from a dysfunctional relationship, my mum's health issues, and my continued journey progress of healing in some painful areas. I feel so very weak body, mind and spirit.

Today's devotional by Sarah Young could not be more appropriate.

I am sure a lot of you out there can relate as well:

Grow strong in your weakness. Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty. Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than on your understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what Will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness. - Sarah Young

Even though I appear strong on the outside, I am very fragile on the inside. Right now it is hard to go on. I am just so tired.

But....

Depending on the Lord for my needs and answers is hard many times. I still find myself bypassing the most important connection.... Him. But instead, taking a detour to my own thinking and solutions. I certainly understand that He is developing my trust in Him. Because most my life I did not. Many times I can go overboard with being analytical. Even that has slowed down a bit. Mainly because I am coming to the place "that I cannot do this on my own." As stated before, I am just too tired now. So, I need to heed to what the author states above, "to depend on Him continually, trusting Him to guide me and strengthen me as needed."

I cannot do this on my own.

IT IS NOT EASY

It is not easy taking care of an aging parent. Let alone one that just had major surgery. This is the very hard part. One on one.

Those of you who have experienced this know what I am talking about.

Her b/p is up a bit, as well as her heart rate. Having a bit of a headache. I have to constantly remind her that her body is trying to heal and it is expected, after going through a traumatic operation to have the above happen.

Besides staying with my mum most of the time these past few days and checking on her throughout the day and night, making sure she is resting comfortably, massage her back when needed. I also attend to her hygiene needs. Do the shopping and yes even some simple cooking and cleaning. I have been constantly reminded of my past with my mum's controlling methods. "Get this, get that," "do this do that." "Don't do that." "Why are your doing that?"

Only this time, it is hard to "say no" because she does need my help.

Unfortunately my mum was not provided Home Health Care by her doctor after her surgery. It really would not have amounted to much except them changing her dressing and probably washing her up a bit. If she would want a nurse her insurance would not cover it. So she has "Daughter JBR" as her caretaker.

What I am leading up to is that even though I complain, which I am, I have been asking for God's Grace and patience in these days ahead. I so need His strength emotionally and physically during this time. It is difficult.

I feel resentful at times. I feel I am the only one taking the burden of responsibility. But, the guilt I once felt because of my crankiness and short temper is not as strong as before when I get this way. Especially at these trying times being cooped up all day with my mum. It is very trying!! The bickering.

My mum is a very stubborn woman. Regardless of just having major surgery. Still, I am realizing finally I am human. I have limits. And I do not have to take a lot of crap like I used to before in the past with feeling "bad" about myself. Especially feeling guilty because of the way I am feeling. Which is aggravated and on edge. I get this way especially when I am lacking sleep and constantly nagged over and over and over again.

Now even though my brother will be coming next week to take over for a week, he will have it easier with my mum. She would have regained some strength and would not depend on him as much as me.

Wow, I certainly understand the meaning of being "depleted" and "drained." It does take its toll on me. Struggling with so many emotions.

I have my very weak moments, where I just break down and cry. I may appear strong on the outside, but I am really crumbling terribly on the inside. Hopelessness and very fearful.

When my mum is resting/sleeping, that is when I do the same. I am exhausted.

Here I was even thinking about attempting to go into work a few hours at the end of the week. Depending on how my mum is doing. But, I am at a point I do not even have the desire to return to work.

It has been a long uphill battle not only with my mum's health issues, but mine as well.

I may need to just take some time alone at the end of the week and not go to work, and gather myself and regroup.

GREAT NEWS

Yesterday, while I was waiting with my mum in her hospital room to be discharged, she told me earlier that the floor doctor (not her regular doctor) came by to see how she was doing and said, "So I bet you are glad that the surgery is over with?" My mum agreed. Then he went on to say, "I bet you are also glad that the tumor was not cancerous." My mum was astonished with her jaw dropped and she looked back at the doctor. He then said, "You didn't know?" "No and Praise the Lord" was her reply back.

Here we were waiting for another week to find out the results from her regular doctor, who said it would take that long to get them back from the Pathologist, and here the floor doctor of the hospital matter of fact just stated "you don't have cancer."

This was great news!! Because all along we were led to believe that this type of tumor almost always produces cancer. That is what we kept on hearing and was encouraged to have the operation.

Certainly an answer to many prayers. Thank you Lord.

Another thing the Lord did "for me" during this time was not to have me think ahead to what the possibilities would have been if she did have cancer and then the treatments later on.

I did not realize any of this. Did not think about it. Only until I started informing people of the miracle of her not having cancer yesterday that they brought it up to me saying, "Aren't you glad your mum does not have to have radiation or Chemo?" Never crossed my mind. Never never ever.

I know God protected me in this area. I am one to analyze everything. Especially when it comes to health issues. The Lord protected my mind from the fears and turmoil.

It was like my mind was erased for this segment.

NORMAL IT WAS NOT

Spoke with my mum this morning and she tells me she had a bad night at the hospital. With her it is hard to judge her severity as she has irrational fears. I will not know until I see her in a little while if she will be ready to be released as planned today. Then take her home and care for her for the next week.

Meanwhile I picked up the book by Beth Moore, "Get Out of that Pit." I read it before. I normally do not like to read. But when I do, I am a "underliner," "highlighter," "margin commenter" and "star drawer" on important and relevant profound things that have touched me.

So this morning I have been flipping through her book before leaving for the hospital and came across one of many notations, and stars I made on a page. The following is what I "starred and underlined that I could so relate to now:"

When God performs a dramatic deliverance in our lives, the nature of some of our closest relationships inevitably changes. The healthier we get, the more we realize how unhealthy we were.

That last sentence especially was profound to me.

In retrospect, I see how I lived in a unhealthy and dysfunctional family. The irrational fears of my mum which carried over to myself. The emotional hurt and sadness and the lack of properly being nurtured or socialized into the world made the life I lived very dismal, depressing and hopeless. Because basically I lived a very fearful, shame filled, controlling and isolated life. Which spilled over to the few unhealthy relationships later on in life I tried to develop.

Right now, I am exhausted and going through a trying time with my mum. The next week as I care for her will be a challenge for me. Then my brother takes over for a week.

Still though it is amazing how God heals and continues to heal me through finally going through the pain and seeing clearly and understanding what seemed normal to me, Was Not!

****UPDATE****8/26/11 TONIGHT ****UPDATE****

UPDATE

Just came back from seeing my mum tonight. Her b/p was high because of the earlier news she received. Since they took the catheter out ten hours ago, she had not peed. The doctor's concern was that they would have to insert the catheter back in again in order that she would not bloat and become seriously uncomfortable. But before they did that, they told her to drink drink drink a lot of water. She did, and finally a trickle.

The reason why they were more concerned about whether she peed or not was when they cut the tumor out part of the tumor was a little too close to the Urethra. So his concern was she may have trouble peeing. She will still have to go for a ultra sound in a few months to make sure no scar tissue has formed over the opening.

* * * *

Thank you all for your prayers and concerns.

Sorry I have not posted earlier, but have been just exhausted.

It was a very long day Wednesday. The day of my mum's surgery. I was totally exhausted. Surgery was 4-5 hours long. Then the waiting. For recovery. Only saw her five minutes after recovery. She was out of it.

The doctor removed the tumor from one of her kidneys. They could not tell right away if the tumor was cancerous. Will take up to a week or so for the Pathologists to do tests.

Doctor's want her to walk walk walk. She is in pain but on Morphine if she wants. She is doing much better than yesterday.

I feel I was like a yo yo this morning. First the doctor's wanted to release her, now they want her to stay an extra day. Fine by me!!! I can rest another day. Right now the main concern is that she is not peeing or pooing. They need to make sure she is able to do that. So that is why they are keeping her another day.

Thank you again..

SURGERY

My mum will have surgery tomorrow morning, 7:30 a.m. EST to remove a cancerous growth on one of her kidneys.

Have to be at the hospital by 6:00 a.m.

Appreciate prayers. Specifically for the leading of the Holy Spirit to be amongst the surgeons who are performing her operation. That the Lord calm my mum's fears (which are heighten), as well as mine during this time. That the cancer had not spread and will be contained. To give me strength, and sound of mind in the days afterwards as I take care of her and that she heals quickly.

Reality is now setting in for me. I have been so preoccupied with my own health problems and going ons at work, that they over road what my mum will be going through. I am concerned. But at the same time, knowing God is in control! I am still believing for a miracle!

If that was not bad enough, please keep in prayer Hurricane Irene. I live in South Florida. Looks like "now" the hurricane will skirt the east coast of Florida, so that is a good thing. May just get wind and some rain. No direct hit.

Thank you.

FISH THERAPY

I cannot believe it has been a week already since I went to Urgent Medical and was diagnosed with fluid in my ear, and high blood pressure.

Even though the meds that I am taking now for these ailments give me side affects, i.e. drowsiness, dry mouth and hoarseness first thing in the morning, I cannot tell you how much better I feel!

Have not felt this good in a very long time. I still am plagued with the dizziness, as I do suffer from vertigo.

For many months, close to a year now, I have been staring at an empty 30 gallon fresh water fish tank. Emotionally and physically I just had no desire to replenish it. Could not make myself go and get fish. The only thing that was alive in the tank was one catfish and floating algae that collected. I so enjoyed my fish tank when it is cutting loosing with fish enjoying themselves.

So, feeling pretty good physically and super charged Spiritually today, after church (which was SUPER AWESOME BY THE WAY) I went to Pet Supermarket and invested in some Albino Cory's, Serpaes, Neons, Black Neons, and White Skirt Tetras.

I missed de-stressing and unwinding while sitting in front of my tank. So, now at least I have something "live" to look at once again.



JBR enjoying her new fish.

MY DECLARATION

One of my faithful bloggy buddies, GAIL posted this song on her blog. I liked and related to it so much that I wanted to share the song with you. The meaning of the words are very powerful for me as I journey on in seeking my declaration!!

You may see yourself in here as well!

1970's NOT "GOOD TIMES"

You know what is weird, for the past couple of months I have been faithfully watching the 1970's sitcom, "Good Times." I remember watching that show when it came out in the 70's while I was still in high school. I really like this show!

It is becoming so evident now how detached and isolated I was.

The 1970's were not good to me. I was hurting emotionally something terribly. All by myself.

Back then, besides going off in la-la land to escape the pain of my parents divorce, my mother's remarriage, moving away from my father, my home and friends I also escaped into television. So much so, that I would play out in my mind and IRL the characters that appealed to me. My young mind and damaged heart could only grasp just what I saw on the outside. Not what was going on in the inside of a tv character yet let alone myself. I was imitating what I would call "a shell character." No depth.

While watching the TV show, "Good Times" and other sitcoms during the 1970's, I would give the appearance that I was comprehending what was going on, only to find out decades later, I zoned out. Seeing only the "shell of a individual." A sort of white noise phenomena I was experiencing.

If you were to ask me back then what the episode of the night was about, I could not tell you. This too was so evident in my school work at the time. I could not concentrate.

But today, it is like a whole new era. My awareness is so bright and clear now. I see depth into the same characters that came over as "shell individuals" so long ago. Watching these old reruns are all new to me. Like it is the first time I am ever seeing them.

I totally understand what is going on with each character and how "each person" had a life. Had an opinion. Had a purpose. The family was a unit even in the most difficult times. Something I did not have. The support was phenomenal. Interaction among the parents and the siblings were real. No shell existence this time. I am finally understanding the storyline and what it is like to be real. No zoning out here.

Same as it plays out IRL now. I see depth in people. I see and feel their pain. I feel the realness now. Good and bad.

APOLOGY DOES NOT ALWAYS = RECONCILIATION

I have been reminded today in t. that "An apology does not always mean a reconciliation."

My belief was once someone apologizes, then things will go back to the way they once were. Not so. Not unless there is change. And not unless I want them too. Even with change, I do not have to let anyone in as before if I do not care to. Better to be safe.

URGENT MEDICAL

Well JBR did not make it to work today.

Remember when I shared a couple of posts ago about when pain and symptoms get to their ultimate unbearable point, then JBR FINALLY breaks down and seeks help.

I have been suffering from dizziness since last Friday. And feeling really lousy and fatigued for the longest time.

Having difficulty keeping my balance, I was able to drive myself to a "Urgent Medical Care" facility. Where I was diagnosed with possible fluid in the ear. But, definitely high blood pressure.

I knew I suffered from high blood pressure for a very long time. But, like any stubborn and rebellious individual, who is very fearful, and has issues to work through in this area, I ignored it. Knowing very well it is known as "the silent killer." Could not ignore this time tough.

The doctor would not release me, by law, until she got my b/p under control. It was very high. I was prescribed Meclizine (Antivert) for ten days for the dizziness and Lisinopril unfortunately now for life for the high blood pressure.

Also was given an EKG which was good.

Was told to come back Wednesday morning for a follow-up.

I do feel a whole heck a lot better. Thank you Lord!

I have a b/p machine at home, and it is good to see now the readings in the normal range. Something that has not been so in I do not know how many years.

Only bad side effects of these two meds is that they make you extremely drowsy. I slept most the day.

So, are we done yet Lord? Besides the pending surgery of my mum's cancerous growth in two weeks? Probably not, huh?

MY FORM OF CUTTING

I had no clue how the Spirit was going to lead me, and if at all, on this topic. Nevertheless, I can always tell if my posts are coming from the Spirit or from myself. The ones that flow easy are from the Spirit and in my opinion are therefore usually a divine post for someone or someone(s) out there to grab hold of.

T. revealed more of a deep seeded shame issue. Which prompted the title of this post. Which could also read, My Form of anorexia or bulimia or Trichotillomania or Masochism, etc.

Even though I do not suffer from any of the above per ce, mine comes in the form of enduring any type of physical pain regarding my health.

Could be from a serious nagging tooth ache, lumps, bumps and masses found on and in my body. Pains in my side, my legs, my arms, my head, my eyes. You name it. Something that could possibly be easily fixed. But, I refuse to have whatever fixed. Sure I can mask the pain for awhile. But never totally fix it. Fear plays a part in the mix as well.

But in order to fully understand why I do what I do, you have to REALLY GO DEEPER.

I shared how my mum and dad, especially my mum, would "shame" me into doing things that I did not want to do. That is all I kind of ever knew growing up. So, as I am discovering, I have chosen the route dealing with my health to control. Why? Only God knows. You can ask yourself the same question, "Why do I cut?" "Why do I not eat?"

It does not matter how much pain I could be in. I could be suffering through tremendous amount of agony, where tears would be rolling down my face as I am wracked with pain. Still somehow I endure it and make it through. However long it takes. And however many times the ailment comes back. Sure, I loose sleep over it. Miss work. Have fear take over because of it. But will that change my mind? Not at this point.

So, do I get pleasure out of feeling pain? No not really. Sure, I can say, it makes me feel alive. But at the same time, it hurts like hell!!!!!

Right now I would rather endure the agony then make the effort to have the pain taken care of. I hang on to the control. This is "my" cutting. "My" pain. I am in control. No one can "force" me to seek medical attention. Unless I choose to.

Then here is where the "damming" and "shaming" comes in. Rebellion takes over. The lying voices in my head that scream "I am wrong to be stubborn." "I am so defiant." "That what I am doing is not right." "How dare you." "Shame shame shame on you." Even go as far as calling myself, "stupid," "idiot," "dummy." Beliefs I heard growing up from my parents. Beliefs that made my self worth a zero.

This realization was an eye-opener for me today. Sure as heck, I know I am stubborn. Big time! As well as I know I am fearful. But it is not about the pain. It is not about the fear. It goes deeper. It is about the shame that makes me do what I do.

With saying all this, I extend an opportunity for any others who do suffer with other harmful survival mechanisms. That result in self injury. To look deep inside, if you have not already done so. Come to the realization of what triggers your responses to act on your survival mechanism. Then ask yourself, as I will have to do, "are you ready to admit such and such is causing you to cut, to not eat, to physically hurt yourself?" Are you ready to admit, "it is time to let go of, the lies you have been told?" "Whatever trauma you experienced was NOT your fault?" "You were an innocent bystander that was taken advantage of."

I too am running this very difficult race as well. I too am posing these same very questions to myself. Not fun. And not easy. But "REAL."

***I am learning and beginning to believe who I am in Christ. So, I am aware of this. Just sharing this post, as now I have a reason behind my action.***

ROOTED IN SHAME

A lot of deep shameful issues are being brought up lately. Triggered by being "way over stressed" with my present circumstances.

I was brought up in an atmosphere which led to shame. This is so evident when I am in t. When we touch on some painful issues. My little girl comes up quickly and tries to hide and withdraw. Even to the point of hiding behind her long hair. A barrier of safety.

She is afraid to show who she really is. She becomes afraid, unsure and uncomfortable when paid attention, comforted or loved. She feels she does not deserve any of these. Has trouble receiving. She only knew of being violated, fearful, disciplined, criticized, judged, controlled and very hurt.

God is slowly pulling me out of my shameful root system. It is a process. A long and painful one.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love may have power . . .to grasp . . . the love of Christ. Ephesians 3:17

We all have root systems. Roots are life-lines. They seek out and drink in water and nutrients. And they provide stability in times of wind and erosion.

Unfortunately, many of us are rooted in the soil of shame. Roots in this rocky soil become bound. They cannot sustain growth. They are not able to provide nourishment or stability.

Recovery for many of us is like being transplanted. It is the process of allowing God to first pull us out of the parched and rocky soil of shame and to then plant us in the soil of love. In the rich soil of love our fragile roots can finally begin to stretch, grow and take hold. It is a soil in which real nourishment and real stability are possible.

But transplantation is not a simple matter. No matter how gently God pulls us up out of the soil of shame, there will be trauma. And sinking roots in new soil will feel like an unfamiliar and risky adventure.

As our roots sink deeper and deeper in the soil of God’s love, however, we will begin to experience growth that never could have been possible in the soil of rejection and shame. We will become ‘rooted and established’ in love.

My roots are in poor soil, Lord.
They do not nourish.
They provide no stability.
My roots are bound, Lord.
Transplant me.
Give me grace-full soil, Lord.
Sink my roots deeply.
Give me stability.
Nourish me.
In your love.
Amen.

Copyright 2011 Dale and Juanita Ryan