AIN'T MOVIN' UNTIL I AM READY

I am finding it is becoming more difficult now to gather my thoughts together and blog about what I am going through emotionally.

Finding this excerpt from Sarah Young's devotional Jesus Calling probably sums it up best what was discussed in t. yesterday and what I need to focus on:

"Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence."

I get too frustrated and impatient with wanting my healing process to speed up. Pushing the little one to "hurry up and change." Which in turn frustrates and hampers her from desiring to get well. To come out of hiding.

I envision my little one with her arms crossed, an angry pout on her face saying, "I ain't movin' until I am ready."

My t. brought it to my attention, that my little one needs to go at her own pace. There is a lot of pain that still need to be worked on.

Big JBR needs to lay off of her, step back, relax and let God minister and reveal to her what she needs. Just them two. The little one needs to learn "How to just be where she is at presently," and not compete.

WHAT DID IT COST ME?

"What Did It Cost Me?"

That is the question that was posed to me in my last t. session.

In t., all along we agreed the divorce of my parents was where I "shut down emotionally." At the age of ten or eleven. Since my journey to freedom some three years ago, come October 8th, I have always stated generally my parents divorce had severely messed me up.

My t. would like me now to list, "what exactly did the divorce and the dysfunction of my parents do to me?"

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Getting now to the crux of the pain. Not just the pat answers anymore of, "I felt bad." "I became sad and unhappy." "I was angry."

No!

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Thursday t. session has really affected me. I left in a daze. Was able to retain what transpired. But, I knew how difficult what was asked of me and what lay ahead would only benefit me in the end if I wanted to have my freedom.

I thought all day about what the divorce did to me. Getting bummed out and angry. But that is probably expected. As I continue to connect emotionally.

I always pray for God's protection ahead before I tackle these memories. My mind is an an open field for the enemy to come in and make matters worse with his stupid input.

So......some of the questions I have been thinking about these past couple of days consisted of:

What did it cost me that my parents fought? What did it cost me that I did not get the attention from my father? What did it cost me that they first separated and my dad moved out? What did it cost me that my mother remarried and I was forced to live with her and a new man that was to be "another father" in my life? What did it cost me not to have my real father around? What did it cost me to lose my childhood friends? What did it cost me to start a new school and be threaten to be beat up my first day because I was new and different? What did all of this cost "little JBR" at the time.

I will share a couple of the answers...

First "What did it cost me when my parents verbally fought in front of me?" "It cost me security." Fear would grip my heart so tightly like a vice when I saw and witnessed their rage. That is why I cringe and cannot watch debates or intense arguing between people. I get so very frightened. I want to hide. It is hard to come by to give my opinion on a matter. As well as hard for me to speak up for myself out of fear of retaliation and rejection.

It also "cost me guilt." Blaming myself for their anger and divorce. And to this day, if I am confronted on something, my mind automatically goes to "I did something wrong. I am guilty." Without even knowing the circumstances.

And by far the next one is the most painful... "What did it cost me when my father did not listen, become impatient or belittle me?" "It cost me my self-worth. Along with shame." That I had no voice. I was a "no-body." Shamed I could not catch on quickly. Resulting in hating myself. Putting myself down and not trying before others would have the opportunity to do so. Or tell me to give up. Always thinking everyone is better than me.

"It also cost me who I am." Since I believed how I was was not to my fathers liking, I would "try" and please him in a way I thought would please him. Only to find out he became even more irritable and annoyed with me. Telling me to stop! As I craved his attention and became a nuisance. That is why people pleasing is such a strong hold for me.

But, the biggest thing that this question cost me was, "It cost me love." I had to really think on this one. Because I do not know what true love is. I saw it as if my dad did not pay attention to me. . . he then did not care. Trying to remember how did my father show physical affection towards me? I may have gotten an occasional hug. But, that is about it. Resulting in how I perceive God as well these days. Hard for me to give and accept love. As I did not get it. Painfully sad to me all the years I have missed out and what was taken from me in opportunities to experience and give love.

There are emotions that are just too difficult to put down on paper because there is no way how to explain them in writing. Those kind of emotions are sooooo deep that the only way to explain them is just plainly to experience them. And if you happen to be there at the time of me going through one of them, you then would understand.

What I shared is only the tip of the iceberg. It took a lot out of me emotionally and physically to write this post. Getting up early to start it as my heart was heavy. Even what I shared I felt was very shallow. Hard to put really deep pain into words. My mind can only handle so much.

But, I am certain, and assured, by going through the pain now is the only way to freedom! Forgiving will be a tough one to conquer. But it is a requirement to pass The Freedom test.

Sure, the opportunities of my past are gone. Yet God can give me new ones.

CRYING OUT

Oh how I long to seek the Lord with all my heart. The longing to love Him and to feel His love fully. The longing to feel the joy He offers.

But, these have not come yet for me.

Sure I may get a glimpse here and there. A foretaste. But, I know there is soooooo much more. So much more He offers His children.

Knowing what I can have, but still out of my reach, hurts soooooo bad!!! I cannot tell you!!

Then I stop to think, is there something else He wants to show me? Show within me? Show who I really am? Show who I can be?

I feel at times I am too close to what God wants me to experience. But He holds off? Still having to dig some more gunk out. Fix some things. Let me complete more parts of my journey in order to be able to handle what He has in store for me. Destroying my idols, my fears that are blocking me from Him totally.

I know He is ready. He has always been ready. He has always been ready and available from the moment He formed me in my mother's womb. He knew from that time on how I would turn out. How I would desire to be in His presence. But, at the same time, knowing that I live in a fallen world, with sin abounding, that I too would succumb to its own pain. Still, He chose me. To be a follower of His.

Some times it is emotionally painful to want something sooooo very bad!!! But cannot have it just yet!!!

Lord, help me to feel what I just expressed to the deepest part of my being. As I continue with my healing, help me to move on out of my comfort zone towards more of You! At the same time let me be patient with the progress to intimacy with You.

JUST AS I AM

Lord help to do just what it says below:

"You are good enough for me to love. Just as you are. You don't have to do anything big or spectacular. You don't have to earn My Love or fight for My attention. All you have to do is lie back, close your eyes, and rest in My Love for you,"

-Jesus Calling for Kids

DON'T WANT TO DO IT

Lord I do not want to begin to have to go through and face what You have in store for me. (If you read my previous post you know what I am talking about) I am scared and I know going through this major struggle will be very painful for me emotionally and will take time.

But, I will. . . . .

As it is the only way to freedom!!

I have been struggling lately with Vertigo. Which eventually prompted me to go to Urgent Medical where they also put me on B/P medicine.

Even though my Vertigo has not been as bad when I first had it, it is nevertheless still there. And a constant reminder.

Any of my readers who suffer from this, know what I am talking about. Besides getting very dizzy, you can go from feeling good in a second to extreme nausea the next. Not knowing when the next episode will happen.

So, I question "why" are you allowing this now Lord? You do not give me a chance to get over one thing, to have yet another thing happen.

Why do I even bother questioning?

As I know Your answer.

Your answer always points to trusting You no matter what! And to bring glory to You through my trials.

Always.

No getting around that one.

So, with this new ailment, I am trusting You Lord to help me through these days ahead with whatever You have in store for me. No matter how awful I may feel at times.

CHALLENGING IRRATIONAL FEAR

“Mom, I’m afraid of that dog,” said my client’s little boy. “He might get me.”

“We’ll be careful, Timmy,” his mom replied. “Walk with Joan and me.” We continued past the dog to my office.

“Good morning,” said the dog’s owner who was a friend of mine. He and his dog were playing catch with a small ball. Timmy watched cautiously.

“They’re having fun,” said Timmy as he relaxed his grip on his mom’s arm.

“Do you want to throw the ball?” asked my friend. Soon the boy joined in the fun, playing with the dog he had previously feared.

Some of our fears are legitimate. Others are irrational and rob us of the joy of living. Like my client’s son, sometimes we need to confront our fear to learn that it is illogical.

If we’re afraid of someone else’s reaction because we think we might make a mistake, sound foolish, or say something wrong, we may back off. This behavior often keeps us from enjoying others’ company. Yet when we challenge our fear, staying true to our own personality, beliefs, and thoughts, we usually find that we were safe all along.

Lord, please give me courage to face and confront my irrational fear.

Copyright 2011 Joan C. Webb

The devotional above just touches on what I would call "common every day irrational fears." I certainly can relate to those. You too probably?

I have lived this way most my life. Some of my "irrational fears" even go deeper than the common fear of "what might someone think of me if I make a mistake."

My mum is a very fearful woman. Based a lot of fear around death and dying. She instilled many irrational fears in my life while growing up.

I lived a very isolated and sheltered life after my parents divorce when I was 10. But even before their divorce, I began observing and taking on "fears" that I witnessed by my mum. So living such a life, I knew only of my mum's over-protection + worries + fears = irrational.

Growing up in the 1970's, in a pretty safe neighborhood irrational fears found their way into my life. My mum instilled in me that going out after dark was just too dangerous. Something bad would definitely happen to me. And if I was allowed to go out at night, to one of the rare teenage parties (without supervision) to a friend's house, I would have to call my mum when I arrived. Call almost every hour. Then call her when I left. I was so embarrassed. Nobody else had to call their mommy. But me! This also happened in day light as well. Especially when I began to work in my early 20's. Having to call her when I arrived at work, lunch and left.

Then there are the fears that I conjured up myself over the years. Because of being brought up in a fear based home. Too many to name though here. Some are really amusing.

Like the time when I was in my early 30's and a "so-called girlfriend" at the time was with me. We got the bright idea of flying kites one afternoon on the beach.

Here I was with my kite in the air. Then all of a sudden unbelievable fear swept over me as I looked up into the clear blue skies. At a distance I saw a jet streaming across the sky. Then my irrational mind started working. I thought my kite was too high. My string would become tangled in the turbo engines of the jet. Causing it to plummet 40,000 feet into the ocean. I would then be responsible for all those deaths. Sick huh? To me it WAS REAL!!!

So real I began reeling in my line in as fast as I could. My girlfriend looked at me perplexed. I was determined not to cause a major catastrophe in the world and our kite flying ended abruptly that day. That was a fear. That was extreme irrational fear.

Now I can look back and laugh. Where would I get 40,000 feet of string that long to fly a kite in the first place? Secondly, there have never ever been any reports of a down jet airliner due to a flying kite.

Sure I still suffer in this area. Not as bad though. Like with anything else, as God continues to heal my mind and emotions and helps me to break these generational curses, I can only improve.......

PEACE

It has been close to a week since my brother came to take over for me with my mum. In this weeks time, my responsibility and fear have been at a calmer level. If I "would" only incorporate this peace in my life all the time. As the devotional states below:


"My peace is such an all -encompassing gift that it is independent of circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain My Peace you are rich indeed.

Let that be a deep comfort to you, especially amidts the many aspects of your life over which you have no control! When you are feeling at the mercy of your circumstances, My all-encompassing Peace is exactly what you need, even though you sometimes feel unable to receive it. Perhaps that is because you cling to other things-your loved ones, your possessions, your reputation. It's as if you are wrapping your fingers tightly around a small copper coin while I am offering you unlimited supplies of pure gold. My desire is to help you treasure My Peace above everything in the world-recognizing it as a supernatural gift, bequeathed to My followers shortly before My death.

A man who knows he will soon die wants to leave something precious with those he loves. Therefore, I "willed" My Peace to My disciples and all who would follow Me. I know this was a difficult gift to accept, especially in the midst of adversity. So, after My resurrection, the first words I spoken to My disciples were "Peace be with you." They needed this reassurance to reinforce what I taught them before I died. You also need to be reminded of the divine nature of this gift, for it is not the world's peace I give you: It is Peace that transcends all understanding."

-(Jesus Lives - Seeing His Love In Your Life - Sarah Young)

MY THERAPY SESSIONS

I have been noticing these last couple of months that my sessions in t. have changed from when I first began three years ago next month.

The first couple of years, I would go into a session and even though the JBR's would have trouble talking at the beginning, still they had something to say. Using up the allotted time. And then some.

When I was going through a crisis back then, it took longer for me to get over as I was just developing the tools to learn and use.

These days, I can go through a trial, like with my mum these past few weeks, and if I do not have a t. session scheduled during this time....... I manage to survive the crisis. Then the next time I go to t., usually the following week, when the major crisis is over, I find that I do not use up as much time going through "the turmoil" of the crisis as in the early days.

Still I struggle with having my "emotions" catch up to my "feelings." I continue to feel flat lined, depressed and sad. Unless I am in the Spirit. Then literally I am who I was created to be. But, unfortunately, one cannot remain in this state of being while in this earthly body.

So..............

My t. reminds me that my emotions will eventually catch up. I did not become who I am over night. It will take time.

And once they do catch up, that will be freedom!

My biggest feat one day will be to cry in front of others and not feel shamed!!!

INFUSION

Today waking up, exhausted.... my hormones and frustration level have been way off the charts. When those collide, I have issues. The littlest thing brings me to tremendous anger. I have to watch my anger these days, because of my HBP.

Already this morning, I have already gone ballistic. Dropping a cap from the top of my water bottle onto the floor. Then throwing my keys against the wall out of anger, swearing up a storm, that I had to bend down and pick up the cap. And now the keys.

I really hate when I am this way. I can even anticipate my mood change a head of time, and I still have trouble controlling my outbursts. Other times when I am not so hormonal, picking up a cap from the floor would not set me off.

Yeah, I can blame most of it on hormones. But, I believe a lot has to do with the array of emotions building up in me these past few weeks. Dealing with myself, my mum, work and PPP issues. All at the same time:

Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives-giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.

-Sarah Young-


I love the part about "crawling out of the mire."

FUNCTIONAL ORPHAN

I have read this devotional before. Early on in my journey. Re-reading it today, it touches and hits home much more deeply now.

The emotional pain for me has become more evident in the words below. I certainly can relate to becoming a functional orphan when my parents divorced when I was eleven and I was forced to move away from my father. The feelings of neglect and abandonment, especially by father. The tremendous hurt, shame, guilt and extreme emptiness I felt and carried for so many years.

Through it all I am having to hang on to hope. The promises of what the devotional says. That my Savior understands the acute pain that orphans experience. Lord I ask for the strength to see me through my journey to where You want me to go.

Although, still hard at times, and right now very scary, it is becoming apparent that He does care and that I will never be without a family, because He has adopted me.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

There are many ways to become an orphan. Some children become orphans when their parents die. Others become functional orphans when their parents divorce. Other people become orphans as a result of their parent's emotional unavailability. Anyone who has been neglected, abandoned, or abused by people who were important in their life will appreciate what it is like to be an orphan. It is a painful and lonely experience. Orphans doubt their ability to sustain intimate relationships and find it difficult to trust others. Experiences of abandonment leave us full of loneliness, fear and self-loathing.

Jesus understood the acute pain that orphans experience. In this text he responds to that deep pain with a promise of relationship. "I will not leave you as orphans," Jesus says, "I will not abandon you. You will not be without family because I will come to you."

In Jesus we see most clearly that God is attentive and available to us when we feel abandoned or neglected. God respects our needs and responds to our desires for relationship. God calls us out of the brokenness and dysfunction of our very personal orphanage into the community and fellowship of God's family. We are no longer orphans. We are God's children.

Lord, I know about being an orphan.
I know about abandonment.
Thank you for understanding my fear of separation.
Thank you for understanding my need for your presence.
Come.
Be present today with me.
I want to spend time with you.
Amen.


Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

SECRETS CAN EAT US ALIVE

It is those secrets that we keep buried deep within that can eat us alive. Known fact that disease and illness are much more likely to develop and fester many years.

I have had my share of secrets. Being sexually abused by my older brother when I was 8 or 9 years old. Surviving the divorce of my parents and the split up of my family when I was around the same age of being abused by my brother. The critical spirit I obtained from my father and mother which prompted feelings of unworthy, and loathing of myself. Unhealthy relationships later on in life. The pain of loneliness, shame, guilt, condemnation, which resulted in depression, sadness and hopelessness. I was such an angry and unhappy person. My little one was so afraid to be seen. She had been hurt so terribly growing up.

When I began t. a few years ago, I divulged many things to my t. I never ever told anyone. Because of fear, denial and who would believe me?

It is true when they say that if you are able to share with someone(s) who will not be critical, judgmental and who is trustworthy, doing so releases inside relief and a sort of freedom that, "finally someone else knows and understands."

YOUR TURN

My brother is due to arrive today for a week to take over "the responsibility" of watching and caring for my mum.

I cannot tell you how much I look forward to his arrival.

I am tired. All over. Inside and out.

**Update** URGENT PRAYER

My mum woke up with pain in the back where her kideny's are and has trouble breathing deeply becuase of the pain. She has no fever. Will monitor and if it becomes worse will take her to the E.R. I believe the doctor said to watch out for something like this.

Satan and his never ending attacks. Pleaded the blood of Jesus Christ and anointed my mum with oil. Believing for a complete healing.

Will watch her closely today.

* * * UPDATE* * *

No more pain. There is power in prayer. Thank you for all who prayed.

This was a deliberate attack from satan. The pain came out of left field. I am sure this will not be the end.

She was in sooooo much pain this morning. She was afraid to breathe because it hurt so bad. I was this close to taking her to the E.R.

We kept on rebuking the enemy's attack and claiming healing.

Thank you again for your continued prayers for my mum and myself. She sleeps most of the day but there are signs of strengthening.

EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

I am at a point close the title. Having to be with my mum every single day since last Wednesday, taking care of her and then constant bickering is taking its toll.

I found myself a few times, just to survive to head off to "The Swing." If any of you do not know what I'm tlaking about see the post on the left hand side of my blog.

Managed to escape for a few hours to work yesterday and some today. But even that is exhausting.

But despite The Swing, I know God is my strength. I will get through this trial with His help. Amen.