BROKENNESS INTO GRACE

"Do not expect to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace," -Jesus Calling.

People have hurt me.

My father hurt me. My mum hurt me. My brother hurt me. So called friends have hurt me. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Whether emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually.

Or all of the above. Sadly.

I happened to find some old pictures of myself when I was thirteen just after my parents divorce and moving to New York from Florida and how unhappy I was. My eyes were dead. A distant stare. No smile. No life in my whole being. I was a walking dead teenager. I was this way most my life. Very surreal.

As I emotionally heal on my journey to freedom and come alive with my feelings that were buried so deep within so long ago. From my painful past. I can begin to understand from the perspective of knowing how much brokenness is in the world. How much I too was broken!

How we "all" have that ability to hurt one another. Mainly acting out of fear and hurt. Producing many adverse effects. Including anger, shame, guilt, criticism and judgement.

I was a product of my father's background. His parents divorced. His father was not there for him. In fact I do not ever recall my father talking about his own father. His parents drank as well. Partied. My grandmother was know to be an exotic dancer at one time.

The way my father handled his pain from the few things I have been told by other family members were destructive. Once setting his mother's curtains on fire in their living room when he was youngster. Later on when my father was in his early twenties, he lost his father to suicide. I do not believe he even went to his funeral.

That being said, and not seeking help in those days, his future looked bleak for a repeat performance. Bringing in all his hurt and transferring it upon his children and wives. (Three marriages total) From his first marriage where his first two sons wrote him off later in life because he was not there for them to his second marriage where he neglected me. I was the last of his children.

My father transferred a lot of his emotional pain from his own childhood upon me. By saying hurtful things and criticizing me. Shaming me. It is only through God's grace and counseling that I realize now that he responded out of his own brokenness.

Though painful still at times with my past, I continue to heal more and more, and come closer to the understanding of what "forgiveness" is all about, (It is the key to freedom) the more I can grow in grace.

HEALING OF MY HEART

My parents and circumstances shaped who I became. But it was not the "real me" that God intended for me to become. Seeing and understanding more of humanity (including myself) in its rarest form as God continues to heal the broken places of my heart. As I become more alive, my own "awakening," I believe there is a very compassionate JBR underneath still some issues that need to be worked on.

VISUALIZING YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER'S LOVE

The below devotional really hit me emotionally this morning.

While reading, my mind was jogged to this one memory I completely had forgotten. I was in fourth grade, at school, and our class was in some kind of sports tournament. I cannot recall exactly what. I remember looking over and seeing my father standing on the sidelines. A rarity. I was an active tom boy so I loved playing any kind of sports. Also it was a diversion from the emotional pain I was going through at home.

Anyway, I remember seeing my father on the sidelines and my heart jumped with excitement. I remember stepping up my game to impress him.

All my life I wanted so much of my earthly father's love. But, understanding now, my father did not have the love to give me. He was a broken depressed man with his own issues. Nevertheless as a child I did not understand that. I just wanted his love. His lack of attention and criticism hurt me tremendously!!! I have no memory afterwards. Whether he praised me or even commented on the game. I wanted so much to please my earthly father. Desiring so much of his attention and love.

I still find it difficult visualizing my heavenly father rocking me. Have so few hugs from my earthly father.

Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

“All I ever wanted was for my parents, especially my father, to be proud of me,” said the business executive. “I never felt I was good enough. When I brought home a B he asked why it wasn’t an A. The night I missed a free throw and we lost the basketball championship by one point, he lectured me for three hours. I guess he was disappointed.”

Perhaps as a small child you wished your father would hold you and sing songs of comfort and love. Maybe you longed for him to take delight in your youthful accomplishments. Maybe you wanted him to go with you when you faced the neighborhood bully. Perhaps you needed him to affirm your love of theater instead of demanding you play sports. But it did not happen and you experienced great loss.

The words of Zephaniah are for you. Your heavenly Father is with you. He allows you all the room you need to be just who are, even though it is different from your brother or sister. God is delighted with you. Visualize him rocking you gently, calming your fears and singing happy songs of love and joy.

I’m loved
far more than I thought possible.
Thank you, Lord.

Copyright 2011 Joan C. Webb

JUST OUT OF REACH

This morning my parakeet, Boobutt, decided to escape from the room that his cage is housed in. Something startled him and he flew out into my living room which was dark. Parkeets when uncertain fly all the way up to the ceciling. I heard him constantly hit the ceciling. Running to turn some lights on. He still could not get his barings. It was only a matter of time before he ran out of steam and would crash to the ground. Me praying that he would NOT fall behind the big mantle that I have in the living room. Well, you guessed it. That is where he ran out of steam. I knew it would be a bear to get him out from behind there.

After quickly scolding him, then realizing, it was NOT his fault. I proceeded to get a flash light to see exactly where he was positioned and if I would be able to retrieve him by moving my 24 inch tv. He happened to land on the tv wire in the back. So, I knew I had some of a chance.

Well here I am 6:00 in the morning, moving the tv and stretching my arm that just barely fit between the mantle and the wall...... But..... out of reach of Boobutt. "Oh Lord why?" Then I thought, of all times, this is how many of us are..... "just out of the reach of the Lord's hand." I quickly said a prayer, and stretched with all my might to try and reach Boobutt, grabbing him gently and pulling him out. He did not struggle. I could tell he was shaken up. So, I quickly put him back in his cage to recover.

Boobutt knew that the only way he could escape and be safe is in the hands of his master. What an awesome thought.....

ACCEPTANCE

All my life I have struggled with self worth. My past has contributed to that. Coming from a broken alcoholic home at such a young age. Full of judgement and criticism. Leading to shame. Lack of nurturing, attention from my parents. Not having anyone or any means to express the emotional pain I was going through along with the trauma that was unfolding before me. Only turning within. Stuffing my pain. Searching out survival techniques to get me through life in order to function as best I could. All of these methods establishing what little JBR was to become in order to survive.

But,

Now learning that what others and what I have believed about myself negatively is not truth. Even though I struggle and continue to work on my self worth issues and receiving and giving of "love," I am depending more on the Word of God. What it says about me. Who I truly am, and who I truly am in Christ.

Applying these truths will take time. If any of you know me from my readings, you know I prefer instant healing. In fact who would not? But, as I have been told many times, "what has happened to me in the past did not developed over night." So my healing will have to take time as well.

IN CONSISTENCY LIES THE POWER

This can be applied to your spiritual life as well as your journey to emotional and physical healing.

"In consistency lies the power."

Directly connected to your healing.

Never giving up. Determined to finish your journey. However painful. However many times you may stray......but come back. Remembering, "In consistency lies the power." Finish your race. Seeing ahead the freedom that awaits!

AS LITTLE JBR's WORLD CRUMBLED

In t. today, my eyes were opened to yet another way besides shutting down and going off into my la la land, of how I responded around the age of eleven to the affects of my parents fighting, then divorcing with latching on to what I would call an extremely fear-based "survival technique" that has been such a heavy stronghold to me ever since. Consisting not only of the fear it brought, but affecting me with unwarranted physical bodily functions. Controlling the daily things I would do.

What I knew as a small child then, was my safe surroundings of some normality started to shatter. Emotional pain started setting in. Fear took over. I did not know what to do. I did not know what to do with my feelings. I had no one to go to. I lost what little control I had of my childhood world and went into this survival mode where the fear created a physical reaction that satan has used on me as one of his biggest weapons to this day. So big that fear would grip my heart so much that I would become petrified, thinking I may lose control of my bladder, break out in a sweat, become ill, if I did not have an escape plan or was in some kind of control. Even preventing me from doing many things that I desired in life. Because this fear would bring on sooooooo much shame if things went wrong.

JUMP START

I still have not been feeling 100% physically. Feeling at times down-right awful. Wanting to end it all.

I was sick last week. Missed three days of work. Got an infection in my gums/teeth as well.

So, I went today to the Urgent Medical facility and found that my b/p is still very high. 170/102. They upped my b/p meds from 10 mg to 20 mg. And put me on Amoxicillin for the infection in my mouth.

I have been claiming faithfully the Word of God for healing for over two weeks now. Finding all the healing scriptures I can in the Bible. Professing them out loud. But, with my background of fear, it is awful hard to completely believe I am healed. I want to so bad. But, the attack from the enemy can be so strong at times. Not only trying to believe I am healed, but at the same time rebuking satan and the unbelievable fears he puts on me with "I am dying." I have been under it seems a never ending attack from satan!

Anyway despite my high tolerance for pain and determination..... matters seemed to get worse today. So, I decided to go to the doctors once again. Leaving work early. Ugh.

Part of me felt failure! Blaming myself that I was not strong enough in my faith. Telling God at one point, "Lord I have been trying it Your way. Confessing healing. Trying to be patient. Trying not to fear. I want so bad to believe. But, I felt I could not wait any longer with the symptoms."

So I asked God to please help me to understand that it was okay to go this route for help. And what I felt was impressed upon my heart were these words, "Some times you need a jump start to get you going." Meaning, get the meds JBR. Take better care of yourself. Keep confessing you are healed from any future ailments. And by all means JBR you did nothing wrong. You are not a failure because you sought out help.

THROUGH HIS LOVE

I discovered something very significant yesterday while worshiping at church. Even though I know I struggle with accepting God's love, it is more prevalent when I am in His house.

Yesterday, I was being reminded by my prayer partner that God loves me and that I am special. When I was told that, Little JBR surfaced right away. Shame came over her. She trembled inside. Self worth went below the zero line. She wanted to run and hide.

Meditating on God's love, what He did for me, desiring to be obedient to Him is the only way the shame will be dispersed. Broken through. Letting Him love me. Letting others love me through Him. Believing the truth what He says. That I am loved. I am worthy. Not believing the opposite that I grew up on of lies.


The late Keith Green

THE SNARE OF MAN

DEAR JESUS

I'm just beginning to realize how much my life is hampered by fear of man. This condition has been so prevalent that I failed to recognize it most of my life; it was simply part of the fabric of my daily existence. Now that I recognize this fear, I want very much to be free of it. But it is deeply engrained in my mind and heart. When I am with people, I'm much too concerned about displeasing them or looking foolish in their eyes. I confess I am a people pleaser, but I deeply desire to change.

BELOVED

I will give you a two pronged approach for dealing with this crippling fear. First replace your fear of displeasing people with dread of displeasing Me-the Lord of the universe. Make pleasing Me your highest priority. Include Me in your thinking whenever you are making plans or decisions. Let your desire to please Me shine brightly, illuminating your thoughts and choices.

The second way to free yourself from fear of man is by developing deeper trust in Me. Instead of trying to please people so they will give you what you want, trust in Me-the Supplier of all your needs. My glorious riches never run short, nor does My love for you. People can easily deceive you,promising you things with no intention of following through. Even if they mean well at the time, they may change their minds later on. Because I remain the same forever, I am absolutely dependable. Trusting in people is risky. Trusting in Me is wise: It keeps you safe.

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in Me is kept safe..." Proverbs 29:25

Sarah Young - Dear Jesus p. 130

A simple devotion, yet profound. Especially to me these days as I continue to break away from people pleasing. A stronghold that has choked the life of who I was meant to be for many years. But now, as I continue to grow ever stronger in "who I am," my dependence of relying more on my Heavenly Father to direct, protect and sustain me has become my salvation.

GOING THROUGH THE GROUND WORK

I remember the first time I walked in and sat down in my t. office three years ago. It was the most I have ever talked in one sitting.

Yeah, I never talked so much in my life, I thought to myself later. Even regretting sharing what I did. I had so much shame. Realizing, I just opened up briefly to someone painful things I had NEVER shared with anyone else. Someone I did not know. Someone at the time I did not know if I could trust. Someone who showed concern and interest in my struggles. These all frighten me terribly!

Unfortunately the following sessions did not follow so easy for me to share. The "real me" at the time came out. Very very frighten. Difficulty uttering the simplest words. It seemed I did a complete 180 from the first session. You needed a crowbar to pry open my mouth and even look at you then. The easy part was over in the first session. Laying the ground work. Now, the sessions to follow were to be the hardest. Going through the ground work. I felt that I was a empty walking shell which held no feelings or emotions. Disconnected. Just words. Few at times. But, they were words at least.

As time progressed, and more and more wires of emotions were being reconnected to my soul, the key to my recovery was learning that I have a voice. That I have choices. What I had to say was important! That what happened to me was Not My Fault!

Sure easier said than done. I had to and still do, replace the old garbage beliefs with new positive beliefs. Believing what the Word of God says about me. That I am worthy. Though still much of a struggle, that I can confess I am worthy, let alone, that I am loved by Him and others, I am much better in believing this truth than I was a few years back.

Fear has been the biggest obstacle for me. Living a constant fear based life of feeling unloved, abandoned, unworthy, rejected, condemned etc. has not been easy to shed.

From the get-go of t. I was determined to reach my goal of being set free. I still am. Even with more determination than ever before. I am beginning to live a life of responsibility for myself now. Yes, still very scary. Still stumbling. Still at times not wanting to face painful issues. But, all in all, I see more and more the pay off of freedom in going through the ground work.

WHEN FREEDOM IS NEAR

These past few days I have been sick.

There was a period in time over a year ago that I could be around people who were sick and I would not be infected. Already twice this year I have come down with the same symptoms that get me.

As I become freer the more I am buffeted by the enemy. I become more of a threat. I have learned that Satan uses my weaknesses to try and divert me from the truth. The truth that sets me free from bondage. As I have been getting closer to just that, positive things begin happening in my life. When that does, then I become more of a frequent target for the enemy than ever before.

The video song below shares what I am slowly experiencing and what Satan is not liking one bit......

Me Being Set
F R E E

NORMALIZE TRAUMA

Many of us have faced trauma in our lives. Time and time and time and time again. Numbing us. Getting to the point that we even begin to normalize our trauma.

We have been through trauma after trauma standing up to stuff by ourselves. Taking on "the world" by ourselves. Which eventually runs us down. Running on empty. Tired. Frustrated. Mad. Angry. You name it.

Many of us have lost our innocence by force. Lost loved ones. Lost our family. Lost our health. Lost our identity. Lost our self worth. Lost who we really are.

Then what do we do?

Well I know what I have been doing most my life. Beating up myself. Unmercifully. Both verbally and even physically. Accepting the lies the devil had me believe about myself. Worthless. Useless. A burden. A nothing. Hitting or slapping myself in the face when I would become frustrated or angry at something "I should have known better." But, to me this was all normal. I believed "my little girl" deserved the scolding. Scolded for something she had no control over.

But......

God says stop beating myself up. Remove the Superwoman cape. Come to Him.

Even Jesus came to the point where he ran on empty. And God sent Him angels to minister to His weary soul when Satan tempted Him.

God can and will restore us. If we are willing to put aside our masks and super hero mentality. God will put back what was taken from us. If we let Him.

WEATHER

October usually is the start for me where I find that certain types of weather can have an affect on me emotionally. Sets me back as a kid. Usually bringing me to a time of "a safe haven" outside, escaping the pain within.

Windy blustery days are the worst in stirring up certain memories. These past couple of days have just been that here in S. Florida.

DEEP REVELATION

Had a deep revelation today. I do not feel to share in detail at this time. I will have to process it more and continue discussing the matter in t.

What I do know "NOW," and can share, is that I have been struggling from this major stronghold that has ruled my life with fear in a particular area for over 40 years.

The revelation today was of "when and where" it began. Starting around same time of my parents began parting and my family was being torn apart when I was around 11. I even remember in high school the first day it began. I could not pin point the connection. Until I saw myself back at the first day of school.

There is tremendous shame involved. Never did or could find a way how to tell anyone. Until briefly sharing with my t. today. Only the surface at this point. The rest to come.....

HEALING DAMAGED EMOTIONS

As my pastor says many a time, "We are broken people living in a broken world."

We are people that have many hurts and struggles. Our emotions are damaged. Left not cared for, usually results in living a life of covering up and building up walls of protection and wearing masks.

Some of my damaged emotions resulted from feeling rejected. Resulting in feeling unworthy and shameful. Especially by my father. Who would have been 98 today. He was already in his late 40's when I arrived on the scene.

Growing up in a family of alcoholic parents had its drawbacks. My dad especially would drink daily. Weekends they would either host parties at our house or go to a nearby neighbor. I vaguely remember some of the parties as a toddler. They would wake me up, to pass me around and show me off. That was the norm back in the early 60's. I remember my mother saying to me once when I was older, that my father was a good entertainer and bartender when he was "feeling no pain". People liked him.

My mother was the breadwinner in the family. Which eventually led to their divorce. She could not put up with my father's laziness. Whether that is the whole story that would cause a marriage to fail, I do not know. Whatever the cause, I do remember mostly my dad reading a lot of paperback mystery books and porn. Always with a drink nearby. Then falling asleep hours on end on the couch. My mum coming home from work seeing him day after day like this. There was not much interaction between he and I.

Tired of feeling shame, guilt, and condemnation, I finally decided a few years ago to seek help and face my issues. My life was so miserable. Depression, sadness and unhappiness ruled me. Making me make some costly wrong choices. Acting out of my emotional pain.

Discovering now since in t. and slowly believing the trauma I went through as a child, "was not my fault." Even though I was also sexually abused at a young age numerous times by my older brother, that was not the turning point that shut me down emotionally. It did not help any. But that was not the turning point.

The turning point began around the same time my brother was abusing me. But the deterioration of my family unit was the focal point now. This probably over road the sexual abuse trauma. Hearing almost daily with my little ears and seeing the anger on their faces, the constant fighting, bickering and hurtful exchange of words from my parents to one another took presidence. As the pain now involved mummie and daddy. Which led up to my father having to move out of our house. A year later my mum divorcing him after 18 years of marriage. And within a couple of months, my mum remarried and ***poof*** my life drastically changed forever. I was whisked off by her without any say-so to another life full of new pain. This time worse than before.

I was a "innocent bystander." Who took on all the damaging emotions. Something that should of never been mine to take on in the first place. But, as I have learned in t., a child at such a tender age of 7 or 8 witnessing mummie and daddy fighting, not being able to fully comprehend the intensity of their arguments, will more than likely always place blame on themselves. I cringe just remembering what I felt.

Satan loves to mess with our minds. He uses psychological warfare against us. Fear is his biggest tool. Fear causes us to doubt and worry.

Even though I am still in the process of becoming more "real," and who the real JBR will be, my pseudo side still is evident when it comes to uncertainty. But when I am in the Spirit, I am known to be "the most real." My walls are pretty much down. Freer than any other time. The pseudo side of me does not have to pretend in order to be loved and accepted when I am connected to the Spirit. When I am in the presence of God, in prayer or worship, I present myself I believe as the "real me." Or very close to it.

What was brought on by my parents, my brother and others, I have no excuse now to let it take over and control me. Sure, I still need to continue to work on painful areas that have yet to be healed. And however long it takes (yes I did say that), knowing God is in my healing all the way, and having the support of trusted others, I will finish my race. But, in the right time.

THIS CALMS ME

Please take the time to view these two super quick videos. The first one is 24 seconds and the second one is 39 seconds.

There is one explicative mentioned in the first video. So I apologize for that. But, I share that guys enthusiasm though!!

I love it!! You will see why as you read below why:




I could be totally at peace with these people on the beach experiencing this awesome power.

Stuff like this has always excited me! I feel the power!

When I really look deep into what I am going through emotionally these days, I certainly can see why I gravitate to this power. It calms me. Especially when I am really hurting!

When I first moved and was forced to live in New York at 12, after my parents divorce, besides finding solace in my la la land fantasies I found peace in trains and planes. Yep you heard me right. Trains (subways, roller coasters) and planes. Trains and planes have always fascinated me.

When we moved to New York, the apartment building we lived in was right near the Long Island Railway. Remembering the first day I set foot at the age of 12 into what was now to become my bedroom of isolation for the next 12 years the first thing that caught my eye was my view from my bedroom window. That was the only thing I remembered that day as I continued to shut down and cope with this traumatic experience of my family being ripped apart.

Having no friends and seeking some kind of diversion from my pain, I would spend hours after school standing over a "walk overpass" where the Long Island train would run under. Taking in the power of the locomotive rushing by under my feet. Hours upon hours. Day by day doing this.

Early on soon after the divorce, when my father was more or less still willing to see me on visits to Florida, he moved close to a small airport after a year or so after the divorce. I would get the thrill of having the air planes take off and fly over his apartment. He was under the take off pattern. I even took old Super 8 footage of the take-offs. Again, hours upon hours I would sit by myself and take in the power of the airplanes. Feeling at peace.

Then, when I eventually moved back to Florida and had to drive to work that passed under a landing strip of a major airport, I would try and time my car to meet up right under the belly of the airliner as it was landing. That was sooooo cool if I timed it right! Some times my car would shake violently from the engines.

Where I work now, running past our building is a commuter train. When I am early to work and if I am out and about during lunch, I again make it appoint to be close by and take in the fast trains that pass.

Believe it or not, I feel more connected with God when stuff like this is experienced. It is the Power! Even though I cannot compare God's mighty power to a jet engine, this for some reason connects me even more. The awesomeness of its power!!

Odd thing though.........is that I do not really care for flying.

But......

Put me by an airport any day and I will be happy.