JUST BE REAL

RULED BY FEAR

2012-01-27T08:33:00.000-05:00

Today's devotion (ironically enough, yeah right) talks about fear. Fear still remains a "Big" hindrance in my life.

I am seeing just how much I was influenced by my mum's irrational fears growing up and even to this day. Although I have improved tremendously from where I began my journey four years ago, I still can be ruled by fear and panic attacks.

Satan uses fear to his advantage with me. So much so, that there have been times, and still are, where I become physically ill before something I really want to do or need to be a part of. Something that would not even bother the average person. An every day normal event. I envision the worst! Something as simple as going out after dark because of the instilled fear from my mum that something bad would happen to me. My mum used to give me on occasion (her) Valium (that tells you something there) when I was in my early teens just to be able to calm down if we were going out in public. I would become so fearful of something awful happening to me.

After being forced to move up with my mum from FLA to NY when she soon remarried after my parents divorce when I was eleven, I lived all of my teenage years behind my closed bedroom door and hardly talked at home for years and was so isolated and in my own emotional pain. Satan used that situation to escalate the fear in my mum that I took on which prevented me not to accomplish things I needed in order to grow maturely and even spiritually. Every day normal things.

The devotional below illustrates a "loving" God concerned about us and does not want us to fear. Not like a "controlling" parent, minus the "loving" part. Whatever the reason, I am learning, although hard, the difference now and combating the lies of Satan.

I hope this devotional helps anyone else out there:

Friday 27th of January 2012

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I
will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right
hand. Isaiah 41:10

Many of us struggle with fear. It is a very uncomfortable emotion. We would
be happy to be rid of it. It causes our hearts to race, our focus of attention
to narrow, and terrible possibilities to enter our minds. We wish we could
banish fear from our hearts by sheer will power. We wish we could simply
stop feeling afraid. Unfortunately fear is not dismissed so easily.

There is something about texts such as this one that leave us very uncomfortable. The words "do not fear" seem like a simple command. God says "do
not fear". It looks like a simple imperative. Our job is simply to
obey. But, we cannot seem to obey. No matter how hard we try not to be afraid,
we cannot seem to make our fears go away.

The key to understanding texts of this kind is to see that when God says
‘do not fear’, it is not a simple imperative from an authority figure. The
words "do not fear" are spoken as words of comfort. And they are followed
by a specific promise of God’s presence with us.

A loving parent speaks to a child who awakens from a nightmare with words
such as, "Don’t be afraid. I’m here with you. You are safe." This
is not a rejection of the child’s fears. It is not an instruction to do
the impossible. It is, rather, a promise of protection. If a parent says
only "Don’t be afraid," then the child learns that the parent
doesn’t understand and the child feels unprotected. But if the parent says
"Don’t be afraid, I’m here with you," the child’s needs are validated
and the child is comforted by the parent’s protection.

God comforts us in the way a loving parent comforts a frightened child.
God says to us, "I know that you are afraid; but I also want you to
know that I am here with you. I will not leave you. I will give you strength.
I will give you help. I will hold you by the hand so that you will not fall".

You know, God,
how often I am afraid.
And you know the soil in which these fears have grown.
And you know how I have struggled to be free from fear.
Help me to draw courage today from your presence.
Be with me.
Give me strength.
Help me.
Uphold me with your hand.
Still my fears, God of all Comfort.
Still my fears with your powerful love.
Amen.

Copyright 2012 Dale and Juanita Ryan

GRIEVE TO HEAL

2012-01-23T16:30:00.000-05:00

I still find myself grieving some of my past. There are still areas that have not been dealt with that coincide with my present. Being laid off has brought up some emotional grief and anger that I would not think mattered. But God is showing me I still have stuff to work on.

I have pretty much grieved my family falling apart and my parents divorce when I was still a child. My father's neglect and my feelings of abandonment, still haunt me, but not as severe as once before.

Maybe one day I will be able to fully grieve my father's passing some 23 years ago. I was so very disconnected back then. Surviving in my la-la land world. Even while my father was dying. At his funeral. Everyone around me was grieving and crying. Not me.

My roommate at the time had tears streaming down her face, and she had never even met my father. I was too afraid to grieve. Ironically enough, the thing my father frowned upon with us children were tears. He gave that disapproval look if I began to cry. Shaming me that this "normal" function was not allowed. So wouldn't you know it.... there were no tears for him from me when he died.

In Matthew 5:4 Jesus states that, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." It is like a blessing from Jesus to everyone who is courageous enough to grieve. God sees grieving as healing. An opportunity for Him to comfort us.

Understanding in my terms, what comfort means to me, is I can weep so very deeply and even rage/lash out in front of God without fear of retribution. All the while.....and here are those words I find difficult to utter, "he loves me" through the pain. Healing then begins and continues.

Grieving is not easy. Down right exhausting at times. Mentally and physically spent. Takes a lot out of me. Grieving is part of the healing process and takes determination in facing the full range of my emotions, as best as I am able at this time, that God has given me. Very hard and painful work. But, God knows the process will produce positive results in the end.

Through the pain, God promises in Isaiah 40:29 that, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

In replenishing my weariness during this time, God does not reject or shame me for my weakness. God can still administer strength and power during my greatest time of need. Amen!

HEALING SHAME

2012-01-22T23:50:00.000-05:00

Although God is the ultimate source of healing our past, the excerpt below from A Courage to Heal is a reminder how we who have been hurt by critical, abusive people in our lives affected us. Bringing on feelings that were not ours to claim. Feelings of shame, guilt, condemnation, fear, worry, hate, etc.

"A key sign of healing is that your shame becomes less. Instead of looking at somebody's watch while you tell them what happened, you can look at their face. And then eventually you can look in their eyes and tell them, without feeling they can see what a creep you are. You can just look at someone, tell them, and say, "And I'm okay," without having to ask, "Right? I am okay, aren't I?"

There are many ways to overcome shame. The most powerful is simply talking about your abuse. Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish."
(A Courage to Heal)

A few years ago I could not look at anyone comfortably when talking about myself. I hated the idea of having to share anything about myself as I felt such shame and guilt. All brought on because of my upbringing. Both parents shamed me. Different methods. But, it got the job done.

When I began t. four years ago, I had trouble keeping eye contact with my t. Let alone be able to verbalize my pain. There has been such improvement since then. God continues to heal me gradually. My walls of shame and false beliefs have begun to slowly crumble as I began to trust. Through prayers and therapy.

There are a few walls still remaining. Not as high. Those too will come down one day. I know it!

OVERCOMING FEAR

2012-01-21T04:45:00.000-05:00

Last night I attended my Friday night worship. I left to go there before my mum's nightly phone call to me to make sure I was alive. I knew in my spirit if she did not get me on the phone she would panic. I did not tell her I was going, because really, I do not want to. I am a grown woman who does not need "mummie's approval" for things. But she still thinks I do. The worst that could happen was she would have received a phone call from me a few hours late. But, she is so set in her ways. Especially if it is after dark her fear increases. So, I continue to set painful boundaries that probably hurt her more than me.

It was not easy the couple of hours I was gone. I had her on my mind, envisioning the left messages on my recorder when I came home. I really did not enjoy myself at worship.

Sure enough, upon arrival at home there were three panic messages on my recorder. I decided on my drive home that I was not going to return her call right away. Only because I knew she would not let it rest until she heard my voice and would call again. Did not take long. The fourth incoming call came in. I picked up the phone and you would have thought someone had died. Well in all honesty, in her mind she feared the worst about me. We have gone down this road so many times and she refuses to trust God in this area. So the reprimands begin. The guilt trip of "me" making her blood pressure rise because we did not have our nightly call. The usual guilt trips.

Well, like always when I cannot make any headway with my mum, I politely but forcefully tell her that I was not taking on her guilt issues and am ending this conversation now and would speak with her tomorrow. She was still crying and going on as I hung up on her. My mum does not see herself as fearful and throwing guilt trips my way. But, that is how she controlled me all my life. I am choosing now to confront my mum (and IT IS HARD) and not run away!

Some of you may think I am hard on my mum. My mum is a very strong and stubborn individual. Very controlling.

When I spoke with her this morning, she was a bit cold.

Joyce Meyer shares on overcoming fear. Funny thing, my mum watches her daily. But, I do not think what Joyce shares my mum thinks applies to her.

Overcoming Fear
First, let me remind you that fear is not from God but from Satan. Second Timothy 1:7 says, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Every time you feel fear in your life, it's a manifestation of the kingdom of darkness. I often say in my teachings that fear is the "master spirit." It's the spirit Satan uses to try to rule God's people and keep them from coming under the leadership of the true Master, Jesus Christ.

Multitudes of people never fulfill the call of God on their lives simply because every time they try to go forward, the devil uses fear to stop them. Is he using fear to stop you? Satan uses fear to keep people from enjoying life. Fear brings torment, according to 1 John 4:18, and you surely can't enjoy life and be tormented at the same time.

I want to encourage you to take an inventory in the fear department. What are you afraid of? Are there any areas in your life that are being stifled because of fear? Satan is always going to bring fear against us at various times. It’s one of his major weapons—not a cap gun, but a cannon. The thing we all must learn is how not to "fear the fear." The devil brings fear, but you can choose not to bow your knee to it. David said,"What time I am afraid, I will…trust…in You" (Psalm 56:3). I believe we can say that when God leads you to step out in an area to do something new, or leads you to make a bigger commitment, you may (or probably will) feel fear. However, if you're sure God told you to do it, put your trust in Him and go forward.

I have to apply this same principle to my life all the time. Years ago, we realized that we really needed more office space. At the same time, we needed more employees, which would require more desks, computers, phones, etc. We had a choice. We had prayed for growth so we could help more people. And everything did increase—resource orders, speaking engagements, incoming phone calls, mail, etc. It was God's timing, and He was moving. We had to make a decision to either stand still in fear or move with God. If we had not been willing to rent more space and hire more people, we couldn’t have kept up with the growth. I can tell you for sure that fear tried to stop me. I heard things like, "Joyce, you're getting in over your head." "That's too much money to spend." "What if the increase doesn't continue?" I'm sure you know the recording; you've probably heard it also.

We certainly don't want to move in the flesh or out of God's timing, but when God is moving, you can't be afraid to move with Him. In the situation I described to you, I had a choice to be led by my head or follow the leading of my spirit. Satan brings fear to your mind and emotions. You may even physically shake, but let the Holy Spirit lead you. Don't fear the fear, and what time you're afraid, trust in Him.

Some common fears are fear of lack, death, loneliness, people, authority, commitment, heights, germs, closed-in spaces, airplanes, dogs, cats, failure, rejection, being laughed at, and even fear of being attractive. We went to the library and got a typed list of known phobias—it was four pages long. It even included phobaphobia, which is the fear of being afraid. It seems that the list is endless.

It convinced me even more of how extensive Satan's work is in this area. Isaiah 41:10 says, Fear not, for I am with you. I believe God works gently with us to bring us out of bondage and into liberty. If you've been afraid of something and desire to be free, the time will eventually come when you'll have to face your fear and not run away from it. Just take Jesus' hand, acknowledge that He is with you, and do it. If you're afraid of people with authority, the time will come when you'll have to confront an authority figure and not cower in fear. God will have arranged the time. He'll be there, but you'll have to choose whether to go through or run away.

If you're at one of these crossroads in your life, let me encourage you to go forward. Don't stand still in terror, but take His hand and go forward. Remember, fear torments and God wants to deliver you from all of your fears.

(Joyce Meyer)

BEING GENTLE - YOUR DEFINITION

2012-01-21T03:58:00.000-05:00

Some times I feel I get close to victory in one struggling area of my journey only to come up short. Many times over. Bringing on the feelings of shame and failure. Being extremely self-critical of myself.

At those times I am continually reminded by my t. and many of you wonderful bloggy people when I get this way to be “gentle with myself.” Everyone is not the same in their brokenness and healing process. Time. Time. Time.

My question to you.....

Is your definition of being gentle with yourself basically the same as mine?

Not to beat up on yourself for not living up to expectations. Whether yours or others? That you are taking too long to defeat your monster? Are you able to extend grace to yourself at those times? Be merciful not only to yourself, but if you have a little one, them too?

Please feel free to share.....

INVISIBLE

2012-01-19T23:59:00.000-05:00
I had an interesting t. session tonight. I call these the 'on-the site' sessions. When something(s) happen that triggers you right in the session itself. Then you go from there and begin to challenge what the triggers brought up.

Do you ever find yourself saying "I feel invisible." That no one takes notice of you. Your husband, children, family, friends. Even God? I have. And unfortunately still do.

It is amazing how I have conjured up in my mind the lies my parents bestowed upon me growing up that "no one cares and no one even knows I exist." Mainly the non-verbal disapproval by my father and then the verbal disapproval by my mum. Especially when I did not live up to their expectations. Reprimanding me for making mistakes or doing something that was not my fault or intentional. Making me very suspicious of my own actions and perception of people. Condemning myself. I continue to meditate on Romans 8.

"Children should be seen and not heard," was one of my father's sayings in our house growing up. Many times I felt he was saying, "Children should Not be seen Nor heard." Giving me the impression that I was not important. Do NOT speak.

That is probably why I have so much difficulty in expressing myself with others. Convincing myself for so many years that "people are not interested with what I have to say or offer." Putting a lot of pressure on myself to "perform" well and be "perfect." By doing so only brings a tongued-tied JBR who totally says mumbo jumbo instead of what she wanted to say. Thus resulting in feeling inadequate and shameful.

I know deep deep down I am not invisible to God.

If I could just breathe and exhale the real me. And not continue to have a performance based life, and beat up on the little one when things do not go as planned, I am sure things would come more naturally for me.

TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF

2012-01-18T14:52:00.000-05:00
I have been pretty disciplined since being off.

Knowing ahead of time the possibility of being let go, I would have the opportunity to 'catch my breath' from all the pressures of last year and be able to relax. My whole body and mind have been so tired.

The wheels were already turning in my head before the final word came down from the "higher-ups." If I was to be let go, which I was for some of you new readers, that I would have the time to take better care of myself.

It has already been close to two weeks now that I was let go. Each day I have been walking outside. Presently I am up to 2-3 miles a day. Not walking those miles at one time. That is the luxury of having all this free time now. I walk for a 1/2 hour then go home. Rest up a bit. Then go out again. I am glad I like to walk. Breaks up my day too.

I usually walk about 4 to 5 times a day. One of those walks is to the near by hospital where I live. There I pick up a well balanced meal for the day in their cafeteria to take home. Was not eating well this last year due to stress issues. I do not like to cook. Let alone for myself. If someone cooks for me, then I am happy. I am determined to at least eat healthier now.

"Why was I let go?" I still ponder that question. Desiring to leave this job was the last thing I wanted to do. I was content. Planned on retiring there. But.......

I knew 2011 was a very stressful year for me. It seemed I was never ever able to recoil and bounce back. I needed to rest. One challenging trial after another. Put a WHOLE LOT of strain on me mentally and physically.

1) My department at work was forced to move to a whole new location. Making my travel time longer. So the stress of the move.

2) PPP thew me "big time" under the bus the same time of the move. Then not speaking with them for over four months. I eventually forgave them. I finally wanted to. Especially having the unction in my spirit that my time was short at my work place for me and I wanted to make amends.

3) My department splitting after a couple of months in our new location. All of a sudden one day having a new boss. Right there I knew I was in trouble.

4) My mum being rushed to the ER for her erratic heart beat. Finally getting that under control after being in the hospital five days.

5) Discovering while in the hospital by a routine x-ray that she had a growth on one of her kidneys. All signs pointing to cancer. Major stress.

6) My mum having major surgery to remove what was a miracle the "non-cancerous growth" a couple of months later.

7) Having to take a week off from work to tend to my mum when she came home from the hospital.

8)Learning I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and having to go on meds.

9) The-change-of life making its grand painful appearance. Why not! Everything imaginable was happening to me.

10) Training someone for my job. All along I was to pretend that 'nothing was happening.'

And finally,

11) Being let go from my job after 4.5 years. Yes, I had quite a year.

I think a lot of the reason why the Lord had me let go was "I was just too physically and mentally tired" from what last year brought me. I wanted so desperately to rest. I also believe I have arrived at a different stage in my life where the Lord desires for me to trust Him even more. Get to know Him even more intimately. That would be awesome!

Sure I questioned, "Lord I could still trust you while I was working there." No. Apparently He saw fit, right now for me to be unemployed and trust Him for my next venture.

LITTLE BY LITTLE

2012-01-18T09:06:00.001-05:00
I tell you if I Did Not have God in my life I do NOT know how I would survive all the things I have gone through. I may not appreciate it whole heartedly just yet what He has brought me through, but God was there with me through all the painful times in my life. Even before I personally knew Him. He got me through just to survive my past as a child. Now He is with me to "work through my past." Little by little. One step at a time.

The one step at a time slow process is God's way of healing. He is NOT in a rush. I am learning and accepting that now.

UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

2012-01-18T02:53:00.002-05:00
I am my worst enemy when it comes to putting unrealistic expectations on myself. Demanding only the best. Only because I want to to be liked and not be rejected. And in my stinkin' thinkin', that requires to be flawless. Oddly though, I only do this in certain areas. It is not all across the board.

I have noticed this demand for the best shows up especially when I am trying to impress someone. Even though I "can" hold high expectations for others, I find I give them more mercy when they do not live up to them. Giving them far more "grace" than I give little JBR.

My little girl received from her dad great expectations to accomplish a task on the first try. Only to find out if not successful, daddy was disappointed. Casting doubt and shame that little JBR would amount to or could do anything. Oh how she wanted to please and be approved by her daddy. She is slowly learning and accepting this is not true.

I really am not the controlling type. Of people that is. I am not that brave to do so. For fear of rejection. I am the opposite. I would people please. I would change for others. But, I do try and control my surroundings around me. Circumstances, situations.

Freedom from bondage continues to remain in my line of sight. To one day break away from all these rules and regulations I have put upon myself. The lies and beliefs I have grown to accept as truth. To have them eventually put to death. And to out-and-out Be Set Free!

OUTWARD SIGNS

2012-01-16T13:59:00.000-05:00
Since I have more time on my hands after being laid off a week ago, I am walking more. Where I walk is a park. Young children play in the park. Setting me back in memory to their age.

Such carefree children. One cannot image that they have fears. Was I the same? Did anyone know what was going on in my house? With my parents constant arguing? With my brother sexually abusing me? Did I show any outward signs of trouble?

As I walked towards my destination, I pondered the thought, "If I were to sit down with these children, would I be able to detect problems at home?"

WORRY = FEAR

2012-01-15T06:00:00.000-05:00
Worry seems to be the topic these days. My last two devotionals from two different sources have centered on "worrying." Hmmmmmm.......

Today's devotional for this date is one that I have shared with many people in the past. Even using it as one of my early-on devotions at my last job. Very simple and plain. Not too deep. But, makes its point.

Though worrying may be a normal part of your life, it does not have to be. God does not want you to worry. Worry is Fear! Hard as it may be, we need to make the conscience effort to cast our cares onto the Lord. He will not do it for us. Most often than not, this process will take some time. Maybe a life time.

Growing up in a worry sick environment for so many years, I have my work cut out for me. I have been known to analyze the possible worst scenario to what I perceive as a "threatening" (whether emotional or physical) situation. One that would require "my little girl" to have to face and come to grips with. Shaking in her little shoes all the way out of fear. In the past I would derive a way, if I could, to avoid any such pain. Have a game plan. Run away as best I could from the fear worry would produce. In the end, there would always be something else to worry about on top of the other worry I was trying to avoid.

Or I would rehash over and over days upon days upon months even, a troublesome situation. Literally frying parts of my brain by using the same memory over again in one spot. A known fact that the brain has powerful hormones that are sent out. Intended only for short-term worries and emergency situations. Over a period of time with constant worry, many brain cells will be killed off.

Like with any 'bad' habit, it will take time to restructure and rewire my thinking. Regain some healthy brain cells. Putting my full dependance on God.

God is willing to work with us. If we let Him.

"Therefore do not worry and be anxious."
(Matthew 6:31)

God is vehemently against worry. Jesus preached against it. Paul preached against it. The whole Bible preaches against worry because it was designed by Satan to produce stress, strain, and death.

Yet many of us still act as if it's an option, as if we're free to worry if we want to. But we're not! Worrying is a sin. It's one of those things the Word of God directly commands us not to do.

What are you supposed to do then with all the concerns you have about your problems? In 1 Peter 5:7, God says you should "cast them all upon Him." All. Not 75 percent of them. Not all of them but the ones about your kids. All of them!

Your confession every morning should be, "I do not have a care in this world because I've cast every one of them onto my Lord."

Let me illustrate how that works. Let's say you were standing about 20 feet away from me and I tossed my car keys to you. If someone else were to come to me and say, "Brother Copeland, I need the keys to your car. I need to use it." I would say, "I can't help you. I cast my keys over on him. I don't have them anymore."

That's what you need to do with your worries. You need to cast them over on the Lord and not take them back. If Satan brings a worried thought to your mind, saying, "What if this terrible thing happens?" then you can tell him to talk to God about it. It's in His hands, not yours!

Once you do that, changes will start to take place in your life. Problems you've been fretting about for years will start being solved. You'll no longer be tying God's hands with your worrying. His power can begin to operate because you've acted in faith and cast your cares on Him!

Remember, though, God will not take your cares away from you. You have to give them to Him. Then you have to replace those worries with the Word. You are the one who has to keep your thoughts under control. But you can do it. The Greater One dwells within you. He is able to put you over. Commit to it. You'll never have to worry again.

(Kenneth Copeland)

WORRY IS A WASTE

2012-01-14T08:29:00.000-05:00
Most my life I have grown up in an atmosphere of worry and fear. If any of you are familiar with my story, you will know the amount of fear my mum had and has to this very day.

The words below and the symptoms fear produces holds so very true. I can certainly vouch for that! But, in the meantime God asks us to cast our cares and be anxious for nothing.

I heard over and over again last night at a worship service in a song that resonates in my heart still this morning, the words....."Love comes down and fear goes out." Even though my heart cannot fully connect to God's love just yet, I know this is the answer.

Worry Is a Waste
by Joyce Meyer
Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing? —Matthew 6:25

Once you allow the spirit of fear to take hold of your life, you open the door to other spirits that want to grip your heart and cause you to freeze up, unable to move forward in confidence and assurance. Worry and dread are both relatives of the spirit of fear.

Or look at it this way: Fear is the parent, and worry and dread are the children. The Bible clearly teaches that God’s children are not to worry. When we worry, we rotate our minds around and around a problem and come up with no answers. The more we do it, the more anxious we feel.

Worry starts with our thoughts, but it affects our moods and even our physical bodies. A person can worry so much that it makes them feel depressed and sad. Worry places stress on your entire system and causes a lot of physical ailments, such as headaches, tension in muscles, and stomach problems. It’s no wonder that 80 percent of chronic worriers also have a poor self-image—their confidence has been eaten up by fear and doubt!

Lord, You know what I’m worrying about even as I pray. Help me to see through the lie that I am believing and to replace it with truth. Amen.

BROKEN GIRL

2012-01-13T08:16:00.000-05:00

I am believing that God can put me back together again.

LAID OFF

2012-01-06T15:00:00.000-05:00
Yes, I was laid off today. After 4.5 years. Knew that was one of the possibilities though. Although my spirit prepared me ahead of time of this possibility, it is still hard. The full force will hit me in the next few days.

GRIEVE

2012-01-06T09:20:00.000-05:00

My little girl still hurts deeply and still needs to grieve.......

SEXUALLY ABUSED

2011-12-27T04:59:00.000-05:00

Even though I have faced in counseling and with God what my older brother did sexually to me as a child, there are times still I have painful memories of recall. Anger then boils up. Knowing what was taken from me and what I have lost out on most my life. Especially during the holidays is difficult for me. Thinking about the missed opportunity in my life of having some what of a healthy relationship with the opposite sex. Seeing couples and families together. Having really no "real family" of my own. Yes, it is still difficult for me to deal with at times. The loneliness. The "what could have beens."

I have had a heavy burden these past couple of days to share with those a prayer who have been sexually abused. Finding myself reading over the words of healing as well:

PRAYER FOR THOSE SEXUALLY ABUSED
Dear God, I can no longer bear this pain alone. You know every feeling and secret locked in my heart. It is time, Lord, to open my heart and share my sufferings with those who can help me. Give me the courage to learn more about the sexual trauma that has so affected my life. Though I may not understand why this has happened to me, may I take comfort in the fact that I am not to blame, and realize that I am not the only person who has been abused in this way.

Guide me to find the faith and help I need to gain confidence in mind and body, develop trust in others, and experience hope for a happy, healthy life. Lord, I know that with Your love, my physical and emotional wounds will be healed. Amen.

DON'T ABANDON YOUR JOURNEY

2011-12-26T14:39:00.000-05:00

My emotions are all over the place today. As my hormones continue to be wacky, I feel unbalanced and agitated. To the point I want to rip someone's head off. Have not felt this way in ages. So, I know this change of life is probably the culprit. I am in an antsy writing mood. Earlier I posted a much more negative post and now this is where I am presently.

I still find at times wishing my agonizing journey would be over with. Many times feeling alone, helpless, hopeless and defeated. Only to remember how far I have come. From someone just a few short years ago who had no boundaries and could not speak up for herself. To someone now who is beginning to have a voice. Although how small.

Realizing daily as I grow in my belief of who I am through Christ and what God is and has been doing through me. Comforted to know that even Jesus in his humanity did not escape pain. In fact He suffered tremendous anguish as He faced the cross. The friends He thought He had, fled during the most painful time of His journey. Left Him there to struggle on His own.

Still, Jesus never abandoned His journey. Sure He questioned His Father to let this cup pass Him by. As He knew just how painful what He was going to do would be. But, He was committed to go through His pain for us. He was committed although alone at times, to have the courage to press on. To press on for us! To finish His journey. Knowing the end result would lead to Freedom!

DESPITE MY STINKIN' THINKIN'

2011-12-26T06:57:00.002-05:00

I know God's desire is for me to enjoy my life despite my circumstances. Oh, this is so very hard. Especially when it comes to uncertainty.

I do not know what lies ahead for me in the next couple of weeks regarding my job. Trusting God in this situation is very hard for me. Not because I may be out of a job. No, there is even a deeper root of struggle for me. Pointing to the "real reason" of my discomfort.

Normally, if I was not on my journey to healing, this would be just another excuse to say, "that I am no good," "I am not worthy," and most importantly, "that I deserve whatever bad comes my way." But I am too far along on my journey to be honest and fully believe these lies now.

No, through this present trial, He is still working on getting to the "real reason" of cause of my concern. And it remains to be "what people will think of me?"

Why do I place such a high value on people's opinions of me? Do I want to still appear to be perfect? Do I crave to be liked so much? That nothing goes wrong in my life? That I am infallible? Why do I think so highly of myself that people will even care? They have their own worries and problems.

Being plagued by constant invading adverse thoughts is so draining. Playing havoc to my whole emotional and physical being. That have kept me in such deep bondage over the years. Here is where I have to really talk to myself and grab those old negative tapes that play over and over again in my stinkin' thinkin'. Detrimental tapes that I was brought up on by my parents and peers. Spewing lies "That I am no good." "That I am being laughed and made fun of."

So in my quest in accomplishing these hurdles of adverse thoughts, I need to understand and believe that not everyone "thinks" like I do. What I perceive people are thinking contrary about me, is NOT always the case. Sure some may. But not all. The world will still go on. Most people are self-centered and have their own worries and problems in their lives to even give me a glance.

My corrupt belief system has brought on such a private hell for me. Many times convincing myself just how bad I really am. How unworthy and unliked and undeserving I am. When in fact, and I am in still in the process of believing this, that I am none of these. Some people do like me. I am worthy and deserving. And most importantly I am forgiven and accepted by God.

AWESOME MOVE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

2011-12-25T16:44:00.000-05:00

CHURCH OF HIS PRESENCE

The above link is of a weekly Church Service in Alabama. This one in particular from August 2011 was totally awesome. The video is 2 hours long. There is praise and worship. But, the Holy Spirit moved powerfully that Sonday morning. Taking out the whole worship band starting at the 01:10 point in the video.

Don't be just a spectator. If you want a touch from God and are seeking healing and want to be blessed, please take the time to view this video in its entirety. Do not rush it. Having an open mind. Some things you may not understand or question. But, go with what your spirit is leading you.

This would be my church if I were in Alabama. Unfortunately you cannot fast forward this video.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

LEARN TO RECEIVE

2011-12-23T04:42:00.002-05:00

Receiving a compliment, or a gift of appreciation from someone has always been hard for me. My little JBR comes out big time. I wear the embarrassment and at times down right shame on my face. Voicing, "no no I don't deserve this." Some times pushing "the gift" away." Not looking, out of shame, at the person who desired to do the kindly gesture. Stemming from my upbringing.

Thoughts have ran through my head as to, "why me?" "Why should you take such interest in me?" "I do not deserve this attention."

But, I am learning that I do. And on top of that, I have learned that "people want to do nice things for me." And for me to squash their desire, not only hurts me, but hurts them as well.

I am getting better at receiving. Although still very hard to acknowledge it and make eye contact. I still have the tendency to respond quickly with a "thank you" to get the attention off of myself.

The more I heal emotionally the more I begin to believe that, "yes I am worthy of a compliment." "Yes I am worthy of a kind gesture of thanks." And most importantly, but still very hard for me, "yes I am worthy of God's love."

Learn to Receive
by Joyce Meyer
I will bless you [with abundant increase of favors] . . . and you will be a blessing [dispensing good to others]. —Genesis 12:2

Nothing frustrates me more than people who don't know how to accept gifts. It's a joy to express my love or appreciation to someone by giving them a gift I know they'll like. But if the response is "No, no, I can't accept that," or "Really, you shouldn't have," or "No, take it back," then that drains all the joy out of it. It becomes downright embarrassing if you have to force a gift on someone. You may even wonder if you should have offered the gift at all.

Receiving a gift graciously stems from inner security. Those who are uncomfortable getting gifts usually have some deep-seated insecurity that prevents them from accepting others' kindness. They feel so low that they can't imagine they deserve anything. Or they worry that the gift burdens them with reciprocation. They would rather reject the gesture than have to engage in a relationship.

In my life and work I have opportunities to give many gifts, and I also get some. When I do, I genuinely appreciate it and tell people so. Be a giver and expect God to bless you through others. When they do, say "thank you" and graciously receive their offers.

The greatest gift that can be given is offered to each of use every day, yet few of us have the faith and self-esteem to accept it. God offers us His love. All we have to do is open our hearts and make the decision to receive it. Then we in turn get to pass it on to others.

Receiving God's love is an important step because we can't love others without it. We cannot give away what we do not have.

LEARNING TO LIKE YOURSELF

2011-12-22T08:58:00.002-05:00

I still struggle with liking myself. I can be my worst enemy. Condemning myself unmercifully at times. Physically hitting myself in the face. (My mum used to slap me in the face as a child) Saying out loud "I am stupid" when I feel I have done something wrong. Or should have known better. Not allowing myself to be human. Taking on an awful "shame-based" nature. Bringing out even more later-on destruction in life.

Only difference now, is that I am realizing I am doing this. Trying now to replace the negative thoughts with what Christ believes about me. "That I am worthy." "That I am loved." Having now the opportunity to change my thinking and be more gentle with myself. Did not say it would be easy. Because it is not.

Being brought up in a household of crushing words of criticism and judgement by my parents has been a hard mountain to overcome. My father was the worst. He expected so much out of me. But, at the same time, did not spend the time with me to teach and nurture. Constant disappointment on his face. Where my mum, out of fear, would not let me learn anything and do it all for me. I had two worlds of conflict.

So I have carried an aura of dislike, incapability and negativity about myself. I know this to be a fact, as people would just turn away from me. I already showed them on my person "to stay away from me." Perceiving what people thought of me. Which would be, "not to like me."

As stated earlier the more I grow in Christ, the more I begin to see my self-worth. The more I like myself, the more I can let people in to like me.

Learning to Like Yourself
by Joyce Meyer
Did you know that you and I have to learn to deal with our do separately from our who? The fact is, I don’t do everything right all the time, but that doesn’t affect who I am. I know I’m loved and that I’m still a good person. I’ve made mistakes in my life—and I’m sure I’ll make mistakes in the future—but I still like myself.

If you like yourself—even though others may not—you’ll make it. When you start to like yourself, other people begin to like you too. Liking yourself doesn’t mean you’re full of pride; it simply means you accept yourself as the person God created you to be. We all need changes in our behavior, but accepting ourselves as God’s creation is vital to our progress in becoming an emotionally healthy person. If we can master this one thing—liking ourselves—it will work wonders in helping us to overcome a shame-based nature. Let me explain what I mean.

Many people live under what I call the curse of failure. They can never do anything they set out to do. They’re always failing, always messing up, always getting disappointed, discouraged and depressed. They don’t like who they are because they’ve adopted a shame-based nature.

For a long time I didn’t like my personality, and since my personality is who I am, I didn’t like me. I didn’t want to be as bold and straightforward as I am. I didn’t want to be so direct and blunt. I wanted to be like one of my friends. She had a gift of being sweet, kind and gentle. What I didn’t realize is that she was just born that way—and I wasn’t. Because I didn’t like my personality and who I was, I tried to change myself. I wanted to be more like my friend. I tried to be the perfect woman, the ideal wife and mother who grew her own tomatoes and canned them, made jelly, sewed her family’s clothes, and on and on.

It didn’t work. It was the old story of trying to fit the round peg into the square hole. I was just trying to be something I wasn’t. Finally, I had to learn to accept myself the way I was and let go of the idea of being like someone else. I began to realize that, although I did need to change some areas of my life, who I am will never change.

When a person has a shame-based nature, as I did, it becomes the source or root of many complex inner problems like depression, loneliness, isolation and alienation. All kinds of compulsive disorders are rooted in shame: drug, alcohol and other chemical addictions; eating disorders like bulimia, anorexia, and obesity; money addictions like stinginess and gambling; sexual perversions of all kinds—the list is endless.

For example, workaholism is a very destructive disorder in our society today. There are people who are such workaholics that they can never enjoy life. Unless they’re working day and night, they feel irresponsible. In fact, some people are like I was—if they’re enjoying themselves, they feel guilty about it.

Another example of a destructive disorder is perfectionism. Some people are tormented by perfectionism because of abuse or some other negative situation in their past. They keep trying to be perfect in order to win the attention and affection they feel they were denied. People who live with workaholism and perfectionism set themselves up for failure. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves, and when they ultimately fail, they feel badly about themselves. They make impossible schedules and then make themselves—and everyone else around them—miserable because they’re constantly rushing around.

Workaholics and perfectionists are just two examples of the types of people who really haven’t learned to simply like who they are. Shame, because of something they may have done in their past, has caused them to dislike themselves. Remember, you must separate your do from your who. You’re a unique and special individual, with God-given talents and skills. And even though you may have made mistakes in the past, it’s time to move on and learn to like yourself!

IT'S A PATH WE WALK TOGETHER

2011-12-21T07:47:00.002-05:00

The following excerpt touched me from Marianne Lordi. Even though I am physically improving in one area, satan manages to attack yet another area of my body. Bringing on more pain and fear. So, as I continue to battle both emotional and physical pain, Marianne's insight below has truth, hope and strength in her words:

We are still living in a perishing world. You only need to turn on the news to see that most people are on the wide path of destruction. This is not heaven. All things are not going to be perfect until Christ returns to make all things new. We must suffer for a while to prove ourselves as sons and daughters. It is not easy to watch loved ones suffer and die. It is heartbreaking to watch as families are being torn apart as hearts grow cold. The enemy has unleashed his final fury as he knows his time is short. Persecution against Christians is on the rise. And God’s ways are being perverted everywhere to suit the desires of the lost. We are living in the last days.

My dear friends, I write this message to touch those who are going through fierce storms in their lives. You are not forgotten. God has not forsaken you. You are being made ready for a royal position that will never end. God is with you in this battle even though it seems like you are alone. His legions of angels are acting on his command to guard you throughout your struggle. The Apostle Paul tells us: “Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground and after you have done everything, to stand!” (Ephesians 6:13) Know the God you serve so that you can trust him no matter what happens.

Dear Lord, my heart breaks as I hear of the struggles of your people. I pray that they will understand that although the battles of this world are leaving them wounded and weary, you have already declared them a victor. Nothing is going to touch their lives apart from your will and purpose. You will give them your peace in the midst of their struggle. I pray for all to come to know that even though we are living in a fallen world, your plan is still unfolding and we have a reason to be hopeful. The price has been paid and because Christ lives, we can face tomorrow. You hold our future and there is nothing that you cannot do for those who love you. Lord, help them to know without a doubt that this is true. Amen

HEAVENLY HUGS

2011-12-20T14:34:00.002-05:00

We who have come from broken families of many different kinds of hurts, whether emotional, physical, sexual, know the deep sting of pain. As children we learned to cope and survive in our own special way. Bringing over our techniques into adulthood.

Through my journey to freedom I am learning there is healing available. Complete healing only God can provide. I am learning to trust once again. To smile.

Psalm 27:10: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”

Some of us have felt physically and/or emotionally abandoned by those we trusted to take care of us. As a youngster we tried, without success, to gain their love and approval. Maybe we attempted to keep the precarious peace by becoming compliant and doing good deeds. Or perhaps the only way we could gain coveted attention was to strive to overachieve, whatever the cost.

When we were children, we learned to cope with life in the most effective way available to us. As adults these learned skills may manifest themselves by overwork, perfectionism, and people pleasing. The realization that our methods are no longer effective may leave us sad and angry. However, we do not have to wander through our adult years reliving the disapproval we felt as children. Healing is available. God promises to take us in. We are unconditionally loved and accepted by a heavenly parent. Close your eyes and visualize being hugged and praised by God your Father. He will never leave you.

Thank you, Father.
How I’ve longed for a parent’s active emotional involvement in my life.
Your love and acceptance is reassuring.

Copyright 2011 Joan C. Webb

PRAY FOR THE RIGHT FRIENDS

2011-12-18T18:55:00.002-05:00

For as long as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. Through neglect and criticism, I was emotionally hurt as a child. Causing cravings for attention, affirmation, value and to be loved.

Part of my emotional healing has and will continue to be in the area of having healthy relationships. This past year dealing with a sick relationship with PPP ("People Pleasing Person") and my detachment has been sensitively painful.

The devotional by Joyce Meyer says it all in finding proper healthy friendships. Breaking ungodly soul-ties! God desires me to have good friends.

Pray for the Right Friends
by Joyce Meyer
Don't link up with those who will pollute you. —2 Corinthians 6:17 MSG

True friends don't try to control you—they help you be what God wants you to be. Put your faith in God, and ask Him to give you friends who are truly right for you. Perhaps you never thought of using your faith for right friends, but God offers us a new way to live. He invites us to live by faith.

There is no part of your life God is not concerned about, and He wants to be involved in everything you want, need, or do. I cannot make myself acceptable to all people, and neither can you, but we can believe that God will give us favor with the people He wants us involved with. Sometimes we try to have relationships with people God does not even want us to be associated with.

Some of the people I really worked hard to be friends with in the past, often compromising my own conscience in order to gain their acceptance, were the very ones who rejected me the first time I didn't do exactly as they wanted me to. I realize now I wanted their friendship for wrong reasons. I was insecure and wanted to be friends with the "popular" people, thinking my association with important people would make me important.

We should put our faith in the Lord to help us choose right friends, as well as everything else that concerns us.

ROAD TO RECOVERY

2011-12-17T05:58:00.002-05:00

Looks like the supplements (see previous post) are beginning to work. Thank You Lord!!!! I do see some positive results and some RELIEF!

So why did I have to suffer for two months? When there was a simple remedy at my fingertips all along? Why was I led astray by "doctors?" Believing them? After all they went to school for this? Running down a different bunny trail. Putting more faith in what "they" had to say, then what I knew deep down in my gut was something quite different going on inside of me? I may never fully know.

Am I angry? A bit. I certainly did not appreciate the pain or feel incapacitated. Shows even doctors are fallible. Shows many who have no clue about Menopause.

But, then I look at it this way......

During this time of my physical and emotional suffering, another side to my journey was brought to light. Some things that only could be revealed through physical pain.

Basically for the past few years, my journey consisted of my emotional baggage. My abuse, my childhood, my masks of protection, my fears, my hurts, etc. Sure I had the aches and pains in my body, but I was able to manage. Until recent. With excruciating physical pain that I had no control over. Let alone ever experienced before. Or ever want to again! Was NOT fun!

In these past two months, I learned just how weak and frail I am. How much satan uses fear. How much little JBR shook and trembled and needed comfort. Realizing even though during this time I was throwing my own pity party because I hurt so bad, I knew only God could sustain me. Realizing more and more that every time God wants to bring me higher, without a doubt I will face new obstacles. This time it took the form of physical pain. New obstacles which can strengthen me. If I choose to let it. And that there is a price to be paid "to go through." Does not necessarily mean that I will face always opposition. What it does mean that the devil is going to try and stop me from what God wants me to have. Or do what God wants me to do.

BALANCING MY SYSTEM

2011-12-16T06:13:00.002-05:00

Having the symptoms I have been experiencing for close to two months now, (new readers will have to read previous posts) without any proper diagnose from two doctors, I am learning now that there comes a time where just sheer prayer and leading of the Holy Spirit for guidance and total reliance for an answer. This is where I am right now.

These past two months, I have gotten to "really" know my body and what is happening with it physically. I am led to believe more and more that it is the change of life. Which has prompted me to replenish what I feel has been lost or out-of-whack. . . . . my hormones. So, along with progesterone I have added estrogen supplements. Praying that in accordance to the will of God, that my system will come into alignment, balance itself and relieve me of these painful symptoms which have literally made life miserable and at times seem defeating.

DIAGNOSES FROM NEUROLOGIST

2011-12-13T21:32:00.002-05:00

It has been a rough few days for me. Depression has been hard, because of the constant symptoms of burning pain over most by body; not feeling well and the uncertainty of my job situation. Little JBR has really be frighten. She just wants to be held and told "everything will be alright."

Went this morning to the Neurologist.

No definitive answers. He wants to do a brain scan (MRI) to rule out any disease. But, already thinks there will be none. Kept on saying if I would take the MRI at least I could have peace before Christmas. Whatever......I really do NOT want to have this done. Will pray about it.

I believe since he had no answer, he just through the MRI up there.

He's taking me off that drug (Gabapentin) for shingles. Said it has nothing to do with my symptoms and is not working. I could have told him that.

The Neurologist said he has never heard of symptoms developing as they did. With the burning starting under my arm. He tested me for any numbness. Checking my Vertigo, had me walk one foot in front of the other. Checked my reflexes. The Vertigo could of been from an inner ear problem. Had me lie down, moving my head from one side to the other.

Then he mentioned a lot about "panic attacks" and "anxiety." Kept on going back to that topic. Whether I have a history of them. Have I been having them more recently. I mentioned I have been under stress a lot this year. Again, this could be a possibility to my symptoms. I asked, "could that have a delayed reaction?" Again, with "could be." Also, could be the change of life, but he does not think so. But then again he said....."could be." Then he reiterated, "you never ever had these symptoms before until a month and a half ago?" I said, correct.

Along with God, Big JBR needs to comfort the little one. As she is scared.

A lot of "could be's." I am no more closer to an answer then before. And more uncertain and concerned.

He did not prescribe any thing or told me how I could relieve some of the burning.

I know one thing, my faith is really being tested. All I can sense now is seeking out God more and His plan of action.

At the same time, I am trying to be as calm as I can be in order not to trigger more of being uncomfortable. That seems to be the key.

STRETCHING IS SO VERY PAINFUL

2011-12-09T01:02:00.002-05:00

Had a night of unbelievable attack from the enemy. Throwing every kind of 'fear' conceivable my way in every waking hour I had. Attacking my belief system. Bringing me at times to sheer panic which led me to becoming sick to my stomach. Showing me how much of a threat I am to him. Literally he is after my life. I am just thankful that I can use the Word of God against him. But, he is strong. And I can see just how weak I am in my faith. I know through trials and trust, my faith muscle will become stronger. But, right now I feel so defeated. Exhausted and in physical pain all over.

Satan is a stubborn beast and relentless. I guess I am more amazed at how determined he is to destroy me. I thought I have felt the worst in my life, but no. Something I greatly sense in the atmosphere of the heavens is soon approaching. There is a stirring of magnitude proportion of an extreme spiritual battle among believers and extreme release of freedom.

I know I live in a fallen world and have an enemy that wants to kill steal and destroy. In my weakness, I am trying to hold on to the truth that I have even a BIGGER God who has already won the battle for me.

The days ahead will be a test of belief. That I am loved. That I am worthy. That I have purpose. Very, very hard for me! When my circumstances around me are telling me different. My flesh wants So much to give up. When you have been beating up from all sides, emotionally and physically.

But, God is up to something....

Stretching is so very painful and scary. So very painful!!

WHY DO WE SUFFER?

2011-12-03T00:23:00.002-05:00

Yes, why do we suffer in body, soul, mind and spirit? These past few months have really been very painful for me physically. I have never in all my life been so physically challenged. Most of my body is affected and afflicted. (For new readers, you will have to read past posts) Wondering when it will all end. Hampering me from feeling good and doing certain things that my Spirit so longs to do.

The first couple of hours when I wake up in the morning are the best for me to function. Then I gradually go down hill from there. That is why I am writing this post now.

During this time I am finding out that I have grown closer to God. Not to say I have not become discouraged many a time. Crying out to God to "just take me now!" Even down right angry at Him! Questioning "why why why?" Especially when the pain becomes frustrating and unbearable.

Still during this time I feel a brokenness. Not in Spirit, but in my outer shell. My flesh. Having to depend on God much more fully than ever before.

Compassion has taken a new level with me as well. Even in my own pain, I have more compassion and empathy on others. My pain can and has equipped me to minister to others who are in pain as well. Whether emotionally or physically. At the same time it is comforting to know that in Hebrews 4:15 states "that we do have a High Priest who can sympathize and understand what we are going through."

Then there are the times that we suffer because of who we are in Christ. Since my journey I have become closer to God. My walls of shame and guilt are slowly coming down. My relationship with God is strengthening. The enemy knows this. He too does attack our bodies and mind as well. He knows that the Word of God will strengthen us. So, he tries and comes against us to kill, steal and destroy.

And if this is any consolation to us all is that we have the hope of glory that one day we will be pain free in Heaven. For ever! But, as we continue to live in this world, yes we will have suffering and tribulation. But Jesus told us to have courage and be confident in the midst of our pain. Not an easy task Daddy. For I still waver and give in to my fleshly pain and complain. But, then at those times my inner Spirit kicks in and begins to bubble up and I recall and confess out loud who I am in Christ and that He is the healer! For He has over come the world.

I will be seeing a Neurologist on the 13th.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

2011-12-02T09:02:00.000-05:00

In t. yesterday we discussed how I have improved in believing that I am more confident with relating to people. Including God.

I grew up with a father who was really not there emotionally for me and very critical. Which turned into feeling that I could not do anything right and that I was not of interest. He gave off the vibes of and even said to my mum "Children should be seen and not heard." His actions shut me down emotionally.

As I heal in "who I truly am," my voice is slowly coming back. Even though at times "fear" takes over, as I still find myself believing that I am not that important to be heard. By others and even God. Still relating at times things faster than a Gazelle. Swallowing half of my words. In order to get it over with in hopes that people will not become bored or critical.

TRUSTING IN THE HEALER

2011-12-01T06:05:00.000-05:00

As I continue believing for my complete recovery from my presents ailments, I savor this video and the words.

For all who are suffering in mind, body and soul, may this song bless and minister to you as well.

May you be healed in Jesus' name. Take Jesus at His word!!

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

Pre-Chorus:

I trust in You
I trust in You

Chorus:

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

WORTHLESS or WORTHY

2011-11-30T07:55:00.000-05:00

I will be sharing at devotions this Friday at work the below.

Worthless or Worthy: How Do You See Yourself?
by Joyce Meyer

Do you like yourself? After years of trying to help people emotionally, mentally, spiritually and socially, it was a major breakthrough when I discovered that most people really don't like themselves. Some of them know it, while others don't even have a clue that this is probably the root of so many other problems in their lives.

God wants us to have great relationships, but self-rejection and even self-hatred are the roots of many relationship problems. In fact, I've found the Bible to be a book about relationships, providing valuable advice about my relationship with God, other people and even myself.

How are the relationships with other people in your life? What about your relationship with God…and even with yourself?

Did it ever occur to you that you have a relationship with yourself? While I've never given it much thought, I spend more time with myself than with anyone, and it's vital to get along well with me. Remember, you are the one person you never get away from.

We all know how agonizing it is to work day after day with someone we don't get along with, but at least that person doesn't come home with us at night. We can't get away from ourselves, not even for one second, so it's of the utmost importance that we have peace with ourselves.

Many of us fall prey to self-rejection because we feel that nobody really loves us or accepts us. We figure that if nobody else loves us, then why should we love ourselves? Because we think others don't love us, we feel that we must not be worth loving. But that's a LIE we've believed for way too long!

We should love ourselves—not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way that affirms God's creation as essentially good and right. We may be flawed by unfortunate experiences we've gone through, but that doesn't mean we're worthless and good-for-nothing.

We must have the kind of love for ourselves that says, "I know God loves me, so I can love what God chooses to love. I don't love everything I do, but I accept myself because God accepts me." We must develop the kind of mature love that says, "I know I need to change, and I want to change. In fact, I believe God is changing me daily, but during this process, I will not reject what God accepts. I'll accept myself as I am right now, knowing that I will not always remain this way."

Many times people who reject themselves do so because they can't see themselves as good, proper, or right. They fail to see themselves the way God sees them—as precious children He dearly loves.

As you begin to see yourself through God's eyes—someone who's loved and cherished—your view of yourself will begin to change. You'll begin to see yourself not as rejected, but as loved and accepted…unique and beautiful in His sight.

REFINERS FIRE

2011-11-28T07:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all who responded to my last post.

My brother went home one day earlier than expected. Which for me was nice. I was at least able to relax some what despite continually battling these painful, yet mysterious symptoms. (see previous posts)

Whatever I am up against, I have come to the end of my rope. Have given, as best I can, the pain and discomfort over to the Lord. Asking for clear direction. Whether to wait it out or seek other avenues. At the same time realizing this present physical pain is all part of my emotional journey as well. Both now interconnecting with one another intensely.

God is refining me in the fire. Ain't fun! Letting me go through some hard times to grow and smooth out my rough edges. Sure...... I would prefer an easier way without this pain..... but maybe I would not be as responsive as I am now? Only He knows. I am trying also NOT to "understand," but to "just do and just be."

During this trial compassion for others comes more easily for me. Despite how terrible I feel. And in the same breath anger is waiting right around the corner rearing its ugly head when the pain becomes unbearable and frightening.

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." Malachi 3:3

FEELING LOUSY

2011-11-24T03:54:00.000-05:00
It has been a rough last week. Besides my health issues, my brother and sister in law came in to town last night for a few days for Thanksgiving. Staying with me. How I looked forward to just taking four days of rest during this holiday. Ain't gonna happen.

I am trying hard to function and keep secret my physical aliment of dealing with Neuropathy.

I do not want my family to know what is going on with me. Especially my mum. I am so tired and exhausted every day and cannot wait to sleep.

Will have to manage putting up a front with everyone that everything is well with me. For them to know, will only make matters worse. I do not need that.

The more I read up on Neuropathy, the "specific" symptoms I have are never mentioned. Meaning where I am experiencing this burning sensation. They never list the face, eyes, neck, ears. Mainly the legs feet arms. I am also extremely dizzy. All the meds I take cause dizziness and tiredness. I feel worse then before.

It is extremely difficult to make it through work now. I get so fatigued.

I sent out for testing a sample of my detox foot pads that I have been recently using. To test for toxin/parasite metals such as Mercury, Aluminum, Arsenic, Barium, Cadmium just to name a few. Will be curious of the results. Toxins can very well play a 'big' part into my symptoms.

Attempting to do sauna as well to get toxins out.

Praying for a "Major Miracle" here!!

URGENT MEDICAL ONCE AGAIN

2011-11-21T04:53:00.000-05:00
I really could not take it anymore and fear got the best of me.

Ended up at Urgent Medical yet again. The doctor's are getting to know me really well there now. I am going to be bankrupt soon too. They even have a on-going joke with me and the others. "Should they take my b/p right away or wait a bit when it become normal." Because every time I go there and they take my b/p first thing, it is off the charts. Until I relax a bit. Anyway......

After describing my burning sensation in my face, ears and my eyes, my doctor has ruled out Shingles. She believes it is Neuropathy. Gave me Gabapentin (300 mg) That is a lot mg. I was also warned if I become deathly ill to stop right away. Oh great! I have never taken so many drugs in my life since these past few months. Gabapentin is also used in adults to treat nerve pain caused by herpes virus or shingles (herpes zoster), and to treat restless legs syndrome (RLS).

There are a whole slew of side effects. The main ones being Blurred Vision, extreme tiredness, uncontrollable shaking and Dizziness. Like I need to be more dizzy.

She does want me to see a Neurologist. This is something I really need to pray about.

"Lord I pray that this drug will agree with me. That I do NOT have any ill side effects. Thank you."

GIVE ME THE GRACE

2011-11-21T01:21:00.000-05:00
Recently, I have been plagued with a mysterious physical burning sensation over most my body. Especially my face and eyes. I have no fever. Only time I find peace is first thing in the morning when I wake up. When my body is at extreme rest. Once I start moving it does not take long for the symptoms to reappear.

"Daddy, although I do not understand why I am suffering, I continue to believe for a complete healing. I ask that you give me the Grace now, to endure this painful trial and have my mind and heart open to what You may want to reveal to me through this "trusting and testing" time. Centering on You no matter how awful and fearful I may become."

O LOVE WILL NOT LET ME GO

2011-11-20T17:22:00.000-05:00

I was totally blessed by this song today, our worship team sang and played at my church. This song is dancing material. And that is just what I did! You will see why when you hear the tune.

When I know a song is good is when I totally fall for it the very first time I hear it. It is not a song that takes time to grow on you. No! Not this one. This one hit me deep. Really deep. And of all things, "talks about love." The one thing that I struggle with.

An added blessing, I can play it on my guitar. My devotions at work is coming up in a couple of weeks. Looks like I have a song to share.

Enjoy!

TAKE CAPTIVE

2011-11-20T07:35:00.000-05:00

"It is in the present moment that you find Me ever near you," -Jesus Lives.

With more of an attack of the enemy on my physical body, my emotions, my soul, Jesus is the only one who can see me through. An endless battle for our souls are being fought in the Spiritual World. Satan will try everything to literally destroy us. Even though he is not omnipresent, and "cannot" read our minds, he does, along with his henchmen, watch and observe how we talk, behave and act. From there he can pick up our weaknesses and use them against us. To torment. To try and "kill/destroy" us. His biggest tool against us is "fear."

Fear, I know all too well. It is a constant battle with me fighting fearful, dying and some times suicidal thoughts.

That is why it is so important to take every negative, fearful, hurtful, painful, suicidal etc. thought captive. I have to constantly be reminded of this. Especially when I am really feeling awful physically. I have to remember to put forth the Word of God. There is power in the name of Jesus.

LETTING GO OF SHAME

2011-11-18T06:49:00.000-05:00

As God continues to heal me from the inside out of shame, there are still many times I need to be reminded of the process of letting go. Not always easy. And I still find myself struggling big time with these feelings. Along with condemnation and false guilt.

We who suffer extensively from shame, must know, that what we went through as children and even adults that brought on this terrible false shame/guilt "was not our fault." What experiences we encountered, whether from sexual, physical and what I am finding out more and more in my case verbal abuse.

Shame squashed who I was to become. Shutting me down literally. Into a shell. Lost my voice. Lost my identity. In turn leading me down a survival path of even more pain and destruction. To compensate. To forget my pain. To bury my hurts. A emotionally dead child walking in even a more emotionally dead adult body.

The excerpt below from Juanita Ryan is long. There is so much relate-able "painful" truths below that I can identify with. But with God's help, can over come the pain. Then find my true self in Christ! Who He intended me to become!

Juanita words are very encouraging. There is hope! A great reminder.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus
the author and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy set before him
endured the cross, scorning the shame.
Hebrews 12:2

Shame is that terrible, private feeling that something is wrong with us—that we are somehow defective as a person. That we are irreparably damaged. That if anyone really knew what we were like we would be rejected.
For an introduction to this series go here. These blog posts are taken from Juanita’s book Keep Breathing: What to do when you don’t know what to do.

A part of the experience of shame is the fear of being found out and exposed. We want to run and hide and protect ourselves from exposure to other people’s judgement.

Many of us start accumulating shame in childhood. Sometimes the roots of shame involve abuse, neglect or significant trauma. But shame can also be rooted in less intense experiences. Shame can be created if a child is told she is irresponsible or stupid when he spills his milk or brings home grades that don’t meet a parent’s expectations. Rather than being taught how to clean up the spilled milk, or helped in ways that might allow for greater success in school, a kind of character assassination takes place which leaves a child believing terrible things about herself.

Shame can also be formed when a child’s basic needs for secure attachment, nurture and attention are chronically unmet. When our longings for relatedness are not met, the basic human need to love and to be loved can feel shameful to us.

Unfortunately, accumulated shame does not just go away as time passes. Unless it is addressed directly, we carry shame with us. Sometimes it may seem dormant, but in times of stress our shame can float to the surface of our lives and complicate things. For example, a diagnosis of a serious illness can be a trigger for feelings of shame. Being told “something is seriously wrong with you” can feel very much like the old shaming message of “you are defective” or “you can’t do anything right.” And when a serious diagnosis is public information we can feel very vulnerable and exposed. As a result it can be difficult to sort out our responses to the current crisis from our responses to old, accumulated shame.

The good news is that anytime shame surfaces there is an opportunity to experience healing of the experiences and beliefs that have fed the shame.

When Jesus faced death by crucifixion, we are told that he “endured the cross and scorned the shame” (Hebrews 12:2), Jesus endured the pain. That is, Jesus did not avoid the suffering, but instead, he went through the suffering. But he rejected the shame. All the shame that others were attempting to heap on him had no power over him. Jesus did not accept the shame others were trying to put on him. He was being treated as a person with little or no value. But the message of shame, “you have little or no value,” was a lie and Jesus refused to accept it.

We tend to do the opposite of what Jesus did when faced with suffering. Jesus accepted suffering and rejected shame. We tend to reject the suffering—we deny it, run from it, tune it out—but we tend to embrace the shame as if it were the truth. Shame, however, is a lie. None of us is ever “less than.” None of us are unlovable, beyond repair, or worthless. We are loved and cherished by a redeeming, healing, saving God. And none of us is in the wrong for longing for love and connection. This longing, although it may be painful at times, is a gift from God. It is a gift that keeps us moving toward relationship with God and with each other.

I experienced moments of shame for having breast cancer. I had feelings of being somehow “less than” women who did not have breast cancer. I had thoughts of being “marked” and “unlucky” and inferior because of this diagnosis.
When I remembered the women I know who are breast cancer survivors I could see that I was being entirely irrational. These women are some of the most beautiful humans I know.

The most important thing for me was not to figure out where these feelings of shame were coming from. The most important thing for me was to let them go.

Years earlier I had decided to practice an unusual “giving up” for the Lenten season. In some traditions it is common to make some kind of personal sacrifice in the weeks leading up to Easter that will help keep us mindful of Christ’s sacrifice. I had given up desserts and chocolate on previous years. But this time I decided instead to give up my fear and shame. My sons were young at the time, and when I talked at the dinner table about my plan they asked, “You aren’t going to feel any fear or shame for seven weeks?” I told them that was not my plan. I expected to continue feeling fear and shame. My plan was to stay aware of these feelings and to do my best to release them to God as soon as I was aware of them. I wasn’t planning on examining them and analyzing them. I simply was going to tell God, “I am feeling fear or shame, and I release these feelings to you.”

I did this practice of letting go of fear and shame for seven weeks. It changed something in me. Of course, I still experience these feelings, but I am more aware of them, and I can release them more readily.

When our family went to family week at the addiction treatment center where our son was being treated, they taught us to discard shame using a physical gesture of throwing our hands in the air and saying, “I release this shame, this shame does not belong to me.” This was close to what I had done for seven weeks. Sometimes I did this outwardly with a physical gesture. Sometimes I did it inwardly. A physical gesture such as this, which symbolizes the release of shame, can be a powerful way to reinforce our growing willingness to let go of shame.

Letting go of shame is important because shame leads only to destructive places. Shame keeps us focused on how bad we feel about ourselves, and thus less aware and open to others. Shame keeps us immobilized because it is based in the belief that we are hopelessly beyond help. Shame pushes us to isolate because we feel too exposed. Shame feels so terrible that it opens the door to rage. We cannot stand to feel so terrible so we lash out at ourselves and we lash out at others.

When hard times come, feelings of shame often surface—feelings of being worthless and unlovable. We can let these feelings go. They do not belong to us. We are valued. We are loved.

When you don’t know what to do…let go of shame.

Questions for reflection and discussion

1. What shame are you feeling in relation to the difficulty you are experiencing?

2. What other shame are you aware of?

3. Practice letting go of shame, throwing your hands in the air and saying, “This shame does not belong to me.”

4. Ask God to help you reject the shame you feel and to be open in new ways of resting in God’s love.

(Juanita Ryan)

WHEN THE HURT RUNS DEEP

2011-11-17T08:51:00.000-05:00

When the hurt runs deep God remains God!

When do we get to know God? When all the props are removed.

WITH YOU THROUGH IT ALL

2011-11-16T18:47:00.001-05:00

Since the beginning of this month (November) I have been struggling physically. I have been suffering terribly with a burning sensation all through out my body. Along with dizziness.

First the doctor said it could be Shingles with the burning and an inner ear problem with the dizziness. But praise God, it has not turned into Shingles. And I continue to confess my healing.

I am contributing this burning sensation to possibly the change of life. And added stress at work due to a family emergency among a co-worker. It has been so very uncomfortable. And down right intolerable at times. Like I am burning from inside my body. And I feel literally I am on fire. A wet fire. Not that I even know what a wet fire feels like. But, that is about the closest I can explain the sensation. Then I become so very fatigued around noon each day. I can barely keep my eyes opened. Takes a lot out of me.

My blood test did not reveal any abnormalities. I have noticed if I get excited, it enhances the burning pain. Makes it difficult for me to praise and worship in the Spirit. As usually I am on "fire," in my body, in the presence of the Lord. So, to have this added burning sensation, makes it unpleasant.

It is so easy to say, "What now God?" "Why cannot I have a break?" "It seems one right after another trial comes upon me?" "What will be next?" "How much more can I take?"

And yes, I confess I have said all of the above. Not just saying it, but at times angerly saying the words to God. But, then when I truly am in His presence during this time, and seeking Him, the only answer I receive from Him is, "I am with you through it all."

When the hurt runs deep God remains God!

When do we get to know God? When all the props are removed.

CONFESSIONS OF A HURT LITTLE GIRL

2011-11-11T03:33:00.000-05:00

This week has been a struggle for me physically! My body is experiencing some tremendous pain. But, I do not want to blame my physical pain on how I behave totally.

Daddy Help Me to learn "this present lesson/trial" before it is too late. Before I run out of chances and learn a very hard lesson. Despite the constant struggle, You have opened my eyes to see that "it is my insecurities and pain" which makes me react out of fear. And no one elses. For that I am certainly grateful that I am even willing enough to look at my hurt. Let alone admit it! Before, I would not look at myself as the problem. But, now understanding more about emotional pain and how it manifests, I see that I am not immune.

At these times I am so very weak and can find myself beating myself up unmercifully. Full of anger and resentment. Angry at the little one. Despite knowing I need to give her mercy.

Unfortunately the beating up spirals into an array of self defensive mechanisms that end up back firing on me... Making matters worse. Causing guilt and condemnation and fear. Worse of all I get to feeling that "I am bad" because of the way I act. When it comes to feeling that, I know I am really struggling.

I feel like I am stuck in a groove on a 33 1/3 rpm record. I feel I have been so far away from You Daddy this week. When I feel this way, somehow You get filed away and forgotten.

Why is this Daddy? Why do I do this??

Meanwhile....... I feel You have given me yet another chance to rectify a situation. I am getting tired at times of my deliberate disobedience. Why do I do this Daddy? It seems that there remains one part of my la-la land that takes over and figures "I have a right to be disobedient and get away with it." But what I think in my own world that I have a right to do, does not work well in the real world.

Daddy, this is where I remember that "oh yeah, I filed you away this week. Why? I guess I did not need You. Why? I still do not trust You. I still am scared and frightened! Because my flesh wanted to do it on its own. I still do not understand Your love for me. And yet I "Want To Be Loved" and Accepted" so very very much! But, little JBR still hurts inside. And is afraid that even You will not take care of her."

DARK TIME

2011-11-07T02:58:00.000-05:00
I feel I am going through a very very very dark time in my life now.

If "Only" wishing I was a little more ahead in my journey of God's love. Because having and believing in my heart fully that He loves me would make this dark time much easier to bear and less frightening. The fear is the worst!! But, then again, I feel it impressed on my heart this major darkness I am going through is only the beginning to "God's love and comfort." Yep. Hard to explain. I just know that I know, that without pain and struggles, I will NOT be able to experience His love. Even though I want to "rush" this process, as the pain is really painful (emotional and physical), and oh so very scary. . . .I cannot.

"Lord meet me where I am at!!!"

MEDICAL UPDATE

2011-11-04T04:04:00.000-04:00

First thank you all who prayed for me. Your prayers and concerns mean a lot to me!!

A quick up date.

Wednesday morning I went once again to Urgent Medical as I was still not feeling well. Very dizzy. My b/p was very erratic. My doctor changed my b/p meds to Losartan. 25mg. No side effects this time! She said would help stabilize my b/p along with the water pill. Gave me another prescription to Anti-vert. Hate taking that as that knocks me out and makes me even more dizzy.

Even though I do not have the tremendous burning sensation I had in my arm on Tuesday, it still is there. Still I was told to watch for a rash (Shingles) as the rash usually comes out a few days to weeks later. I am still rebuking this.

Daily been feeling more and more tired, fatigued and dizzy. Something that has progressively gotten worse over a few months.

This fatigue has taken its toll on me. Was not able to go to work on Wednesday. Stayed a few hours yesterday.

I really feel crappy and have no energy!!! I believe fear plays into this as well.

Today I went for my blood results first thing. Only problem is that I show my white blood cell count was up. Meaning I have a bacteria virus. Everything else reads ok. Was told to come back next week to re-take my blood to make sure everything is ok. The dizziness was told could be from fluid in the ear,(have suffered from this in the past) to my b/p, to many things. Fatigue results from b/p, bacteria virus.

Through all of this, little JBR has been uncertain and afraid. Feeling very alone and at times frightened!! Finding out that big JBR's faith in God and healing has been positive and comforting to the little one. Because really she is the only one, besides God, that truly understands and can go through with her together.

ASKING FOR BELIEVERS TO STAND WITH ME

2011-11-02T07:11:00.001-04:00
I continue not to feel well.

Went yesterday to Urgent Medical again. I have been having since Monday a burning sensation in my arm with occasional pain. I know it was not anything relating to my heart. Just had a recent EKG. But, again this is a new attack from the enemy that just will not quit. I also needed to check up on my b/p.

Well my b/p still remains high. The doctor was concerned. So now I was put on that water pill. Hydrochlorothzide.

When describing the symptoms of tingling and the burning sensation in my arm to the doctor, she points to the possibility of Shingles. Right now there is nothing they can do. She told me to "try" and not think about the burning and occasional pain. As that would not help matters. (Stress is usually the main culprit) But, to watch if a rash develops. Then come back right-a-way.

They also took blood. This will definitely tell them what else is going on in my body that I have really not shared.

Anyway, I was debating whether to blog about this or not because I do NOT want to confess any disease in my body. And writing about it I felt may have. That is why I did not want to blog. But, through the convicting of the Holy Spirit, I felt I needed those of you who are prayer warriors and are willing to stand by me and rebuke any kind of sickness.

"I am NOT taking any disease on. It is NOT of God. In Jesus' mighty name."

Also praying that my blood will not reveal anything critical. And if so, that there is a remedy.

This morning I am not doing to well. Will go to Urgent Clinic first thing as my b/p is high and I am dizzy.

Thank you!

"And Jesus answering saith unto them, Have faith in God.

For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Mark 11:22-24

BROKENNESS INTO GRACE

2011-10-30T16:42:00.000-04:00

"Do not expect to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace," -Jesus Calling.

People have hurt me.

My father hurt me. My mum hurt me. My brother hurt me. So called friends have hurt me. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Whether emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually.

Or all of the above. Sadly.

I happened to find some old pictures of myself when I was thirteen just after my parents divorce and moving to New York from Florida and how unhappy I was. My eyes were dead. A distant stare. No smile. No life in my whole being. I was a walking dead teenager. I was this way most my life. Very surreal.

As I emotionally heal on my journey to freedom and come alive with my feelings that were buried so deep within so long ago. From my painful past. I can begin to understand from the perspective of knowing how much brokenness is in the world. How much I too was broken!

How we "all" have that ability to hurt one another. Mainly acting out of fear and hurt. Producing many adverse effects. Including anger, shame, guilt, criticism and judgement.

I was a product of my father's background. His parents divorced. His father was not there for him. In fact I do not ever recall my father talking about his own father. His parents drank as well. Partied. My grandmother was know to be an exotic dancer at one time.

The way my father handled his pain from the few things I have been told by other family members were destructive. Once setting his mother's curtains on fire in their living room when he was youngster. Later on when my father was in his early twenties, he lost his father to suicide. I do not believe he even went to his funeral.

That being said, and not seeking help in those days, his future looked bleak for a repeat performance. Bringing in all his hurt and transferring it upon his children and wives. (Three marriages total) From his first marriage where his first two sons wrote him off later in life because he was not there for them to his second marriage where he neglected me. I was the last of his children.

My father transferred a lot of his emotional pain from his own childhood upon me. By saying hurtful things and criticizing me. Shaming me. It is only through God's grace and counseling that I realize now that he responded out of his own brokenness.

Though painful still at times with my past, I continue to heal more and more, and come closer to the understanding of what "forgiveness" is all about, (It is the key to freedom) the more I can grow in grace.

HEALING OF MY HEART

2011-10-28T05:42:00.003-04:00

My parents and circumstances shaped who I became. But it was not the "real me" that God intended for me to become. Seeing and understanding more of humanity (including myself) in its rarest form as God continues to heal the broken places of my heart. As I become more alive, my own "awakening," I believe there is a very compassionate JBR underneath still some issues that need to be worked on.

VISUALIZING YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER'S LOVE

2011-10-27T06:54:00.000-04:00

The below devotional really hit me emotionally this morning.

While reading, my mind was jogged to this one memory I completely had forgotten. I was in fourth grade, at school, and our class was in some kind of sports tournament. I cannot recall exactly what. I remember looking over and seeing my father standing on the sidelines. A rarity. I was an active tom boy so I loved playing any kind of sports. Also it was a diversion from the emotional pain I was going through at home.

Anyway, I remember seeing my father on the sidelines and my heart jumped with excitement. I remember stepping up my game to impress him.

All my life I wanted so much of my earthly father's love. But, understanding now, my father did not have the love to give me. He was a broken depressed man with his own issues. Nevertheless as a child I did not understand that. I just wanted his love. His lack of attention and criticism hurt me tremendously!!! I have no memory afterwards. Whether he praised me or even commented on the game. I wanted so much to please my earthly father. Desiring so much of his attention and love.

I still find it difficult visualizing my heavenly father rocking me. Have so few hugs from my earthly father.

Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

“All I ever wanted was for my parents, especially my father, to be proud of me,” said the business executive. “I never felt I was good enough. When I brought home a B he asked why it wasn’t an A. The night I missed a free throw and we lost the basketball championship by one point, he lectured me for three hours. I guess he was disappointed.”

Perhaps as a small child you wished your father would hold you and sing songs of comfort and love. Maybe you longed for him to take delight in your youthful accomplishments. Maybe you wanted him to go with you when you faced the neighborhood bully. Perhaps you needed him to affirm your love of theater instead of demanding you play sports. But it did not happen and you experienced great loss.

The words of Zephaniah are for you. Your heavenly Father is with you. He allows you all the room you need to be just who are, even though it is different from your brother or sister. God is delighted with you. Visualize him rocking you gently, calming your fears and singing happy songs of love and joy.

I’m loved
far more than I thought possible.
Thank you, Lord.

Copyright 2011 Joan C. Webb

JUST OUT OF REACH

2011-10-25T08:55:00.000-04:00

This morning my parakeet, Boobutt, decided to escape from the room that his cage is housed in. Something startled him and he flew out into my living room which was dark. Parkeets when uncertain fly all the way up to the ceciling. I heard him constantly hit the ceciling. Running to turn some lights on. He still could not get his barings. It was only a matter of time before he ran out of steam and would crash to the ground. Me praying that he would NOT fall behind the big mantle that I have in the living room. Well, you guessed it. That is where he ran out of steam. I knew it would be a bear to get him out from behind there.

After quickly scolding him, then realizing, it was NOT his fault. I proceeded to get a flash light to see exactly where he was positioned and if I would be able to retrieve him by moving my 24 inch tv. He happened to land on the tv wire in the back. So, I knew I had some of a chance.

Well here I am 6:00 in the morning, moving the tv and stretching my arm that just barely fit between the mantle and the wall...... But..... out of reach of Boobutt. "Oh Lord why?" Then I thought, of all times, this is how many of us are..... "just out of the reach of the Lord's hand." I quickly said a prayer, and stretched with all my might to try and reach Boobutt, grabbing him gently and pulling him out. He did not struggle. I could tell he was shaken up. So, I quickly put him back in his cage to recover.

Boobutt knew that the only way he could escape and be safe is in the hands of his master. What an awesome thought.....

ACCEPTANCE

2011-10-24T07:22:00.016-04:00

All my life I have struggled with self worth. My past has contributed to that. Coming from a broken alcoholic home at such a young age. Full of judgement and criticism. Leading to shame. Lack of nurturing, attention from my parents. Not having anyone or any means to express the emotional pain I was going through along with the trauma that was unfolding before me. Only turning within. Stuffing my pain. Searching out survival techniques to get me through life in order to function as best I could. All of these methods establishing what little JBR was to become in order to survive.

But,

Now learning that what others and what I have believed about myself negatively is not truth. Even though I struggle and continue to work on my self worth issues and receiving and giving of "love," I am depending more on the Word of God. What it says about me. Who I truly am, and who I truly am in Christ.

Applying these truths will take time. If any of you know me from my readings, you know I prefer instant healing. In fact who would not? But, as I have been told many times, "what has happened to me in the past did not developed over night." So my healing will have to take time as well.

IN CONSISTENCY LIES THE POWER

2011-10-23T16:55:00.000-04:00

This can be applied to your spiritual life as well as your journey to emotional and physical healing.

"In consistency lies the power."

Directly connected to your healing.

Never giving up. Determined to finish your journey. However painful. However many times you may stray......but come back. Remembering, "In consistency lies the power." Finish your race. Seeing ahead the freedom that awaits!

AS LITTLE JBR's WORLD CRUMBLED

2011-10-20T18:50:00.000-04:00

In t. today, my eyes were opened to yet another way besides shutting down and going off into my la la land, of how I responded around the age of eleven to the affects of my parents fighting, then divorcing with latching on to what I would call an extremely fear-based "survival technique" that has been such a heavy stronghold to me ever since. Consisting not only of the fear it brought, but affecting me with unwarranted physical bodily functions. Controlling the daily things I would do.

What I knew as a small child then, was my safe surroundings of some normality started to shatter. Emotional pain started setting in. Fear took over. I did not know what to do. I did not know what to do with my feelings. I had no one to go to. I lost what little control I had of my childhood world and went into this survival mode where the fear created a physical reaction that satan has used on me as one of his biggest weapons to this day. So big that fear would grip my heart so much that I would become petrified, thinking I may lose control of my bladder, break out in a sweat, become ill, if I did not have an escape plan or was in some kind of control. Even preventing me from doing many things that I desired in life. Because this fear would bring on sooooooo much shame if things went wrong.

JUMP START

2011-10-19T19:56:00.000-04:00

I still have not been feeling 100% physically. Feeling at times down-right awful. Wanting to end it all.

I was sick last week. Missed three days of work. Got an infection in my gums/teeth as well.

So, I went today to the Urgent Medical facility and found that my b/p is still very high. 170/102. They upped my b/p meds from 10 mg to 20 mg. And put me on Amoxicillin for the infection in my mouth.

I have been claiming faithfully the Word of God for healing for over two weeks now. Finding all the healing scriptures I can in the Bible. Professing them out loud. But, with my background of fear, it is awful hard to completely believe I am healed. I want to so bad. But, the attack from the enemy can be so strong at times. Not only trying to believe I am healed, but at the same time rebuking satan and the unbelievable fears he puts on me with "I am dying." I have been under it seems a never ending attack from satan!

Anyway despite my high tolerance for pain and determination..... matters seemed to get worse today. So, I decided to go to the doctors once again. Leaving work early. Ugh.

Part of me felt failure! Blaming myself that I was not strong enough in my faith. Telling God at one point, "Lord I have been trying it Your way. Confessing healing. Trying to be patient. Trying not to fear. I want so bad to believe. But, I felt I could not wait any longer with the symptoms."

So I asked God to please help me to understand that it was okay to go this route for help. And what I felt was impressed upon my heart were these words, "Some times you need a jump start to get you going." Meaning, get the meds JBR. Take better care of yourself. Keep confessing you are healed from any future ailments. And by all means JBR you did nothing wrong. You are not a failure because you sought out help.

THROUGH HIS LOVE

2011-10-17T08:01:00.000-04:00
I discovered something very significant yesterday while worshiping at church. Even though I know I struggle with accepting God's love, it is more prevalent when I am in His house.

Yesterday, I was being reminded by my prayer partner that God loves me and that I am special. When I was told that, Little JBR surfaced right away. Shame came over her. She trembled inside. Self worth went below the zero line. She wanted to run and hide.

Meditating on God's love, what He did for me, desiring to be obedient to Him is the only way the shame will be dispersed. Broken through. Letting Him love me. Letting others love me through Him. Believing the truth what He says. That I am loved. I am worthy. Not believing the opposite that I grew up on of lies.

The late Keith Green

THE SNARE OF MAN

2011-10-16T17:42:00.000-04:00

DEAR JESUS

I'm just beginning to realize how much my life is hampered by fear of man. This condition has been so prevalent that I failed to recognize it most of my life; it was simply part of the fabric of my daily existence. Now that I recognize this fear, I want very much to be free of it. But it is deeply engrained in my mind and heart. When I am with people, I'm much too concerned about displeasing them or looking foolish in their eyes. I confess I am a people pleaser, but I deeply desire to change.

BELOVED

I will give you a two pronged approach for dealing with this crippling fear. First replace your fear of displeasing people with dread of displeasing Me-the Lord of the universe. Make pleasing Me your highest priority. Include Me in your thinking whenever you are making plans or decisions. Let your desire to please Me shine brightly, illuminating your thoughts and choices.

The second way to free yourself from fear of man is by developing deeper trust in Me. Instead of trying to please people so they will give you what you want, trust in Me-the Supplier of all your needs. My glorious riches never run short, nor does My love for you. People can easily deceive you,promising you things with no intention of following through. Even if they mean well at the time, they may change their minds later on. Because I remain the same forever, I am absolutely dependable. Trusting in people is risky. Trusting in Me is wise: It keeps you safe.

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in Me is kept safe..." Proverbs 29:25

Sarah Young - Dear Jesus p. 130

A simple devotion, yet profound. Especially to me these days as I continue to break away from people pleasing. A stronghold that has choked the life of who I was meant to be for many years. But now, as I continue to grow ever stronger in "who I am," my dependence of relying more on my Heavenly Father to direct, protect and sustain me has become my salvation.

GOING THROUGH THE GROUND WORK

2011-10-14T00:43:00.000-04:00

I remember the first time I walked in and sat down in my t. office three years ago. It was the most I have ever talked in one sitting.

Yeah, I never talked so much in my life, I thought to myself later. Even regretting sharing what I did. I had so much shame. Realizing, I just opened up briefly to someone painful things I had NEVER shared with anyone else. Someone I did not know. Someone at the time I did not know if I could trust. Someone who showed concern and interest in my struggles. These all frighten me terribly!

Unfortunately the following sessions did not follow so easy for me to share. The "real me" at the time came out. Very very frighten. Difficulty uttering the simplest words. It seemed I did a complete 180 from the first session. You needed a crowbar to pry open my mouth and even look at you then. The easy part was over in the first session. Laying the ground work. Now, the sessions to follow were to be the hardest. Going through the ground work. I felt that I was a empty walking shell which held no feelings or emotions. Disconnected. Just words. Few at times. But, they were words at least.

As time progressed, and more and more wires of emotions were being reconnected to my soul, the key to my recovery was learning that I have a voice. That I have choices. What I had to say was important! That what happened to me was Not My Fault!

Sure easier said than done. I had to and still do, replace the old garbage beliefs with new positive beliefs. Believing what the Word of God says about me. That I am worthy. Though still much of a struggle, that I can confess I am worthy, let alone, that I am loved by Him and others, I am much better in believing this truth than I was a few years back.

Fear has been the biggest obstacle for me. Living a constant fear based life of feeling unloved, abandoned, unworthy, rejected, condemned etc. has not been easy to shed.

From the get-go of t. I was determined to reach my goal of being set free. I still am. Even with more determination than ever before. I am beginning to live a life of responsibility for myself now. Yes, still very scary. Still stumbling. Still at times not wanting to face painful issues. But, all in all, I see more and more the pay off of freedom in going through the ground work.

WHEN FREEDOM IS NEAR

2011-10-11T08:07:00.000-04:00

These past few days I have been sick.

There was a period in time over a year ago that I could be around people who were sick and I would not be infected. Already twice this year I have come down with the same symptoms that get me.

As I become freer the more I am buffeted by the enemy. I become more of a threat. I have learned that Satan uses my weaknesses to try and divert me from the truth. The truth that sets me free from bondage. As I have been getting closer to just that, positive things begin happening in my life. When that does, then I become more of a frequent target for the enemy than ever before.

The video song below shares what I am slowly experiencing and what Satan is not liking one bit......

Me Being Set
F R E E

NORMALIZE TRAUMA

2011-10-09T23:24:00.000-04:00

Many of us have faced trauma in our lives. Time and time and time and time again. Numbing us. Getting to the point that we even begin to normalize our trauma.

We have been through trauma after trauma standing up to stuff by ourselves. Taking on "the world" by ourselves. Which eventually runs us down. Running on empty. Tired. Frustrated. Mad. Angry. You name it.

Many of us have lost our innocence by force. Lost loved ones. Lost our family. Lost our health. Lost our identity. Lost our self worth. Lost who we really are.

Then what do we do?

Well I know what I have been doing most my life. Beating up myself. Unmercifully. Both verbally and even physically. Accepting the lies the devil had me believe about myself. Worthless. Useless. A burden. A nothing. Hitting or slapping myself in the face when I would become frustrated or angry at something "I should have known better." But, to me this was all normal. I believed "my little girl" deserved the scolding. Scolded for something she had no control over.

But......

God says stop beating myself up. Remove the Superwoman cape. Come to Him.

Even Jesus came to the point where he ran on empty. And God sent Him angels to minister to His weary soul when Satan tempted Him.

God can and will restore us. If we are willing to put aside our masks and super hero mentality. God will put back what was taken from us. If we let Him.

WEATHER

2011-10-08T02:18:00.000-04:00

October usually is the start for me where I find that certain types of weather can have an affect on me emotionally. Sets me back as a kid. Usually bringing me to a time of "a safe haven" outside, escaping the pain within.

Windy blustery days are the worst in stirring up certain memories. These past couple of days have just been that here in S. Florida.

DEEP REVELATION

2011-10-06T20:28:00.000-04:00
Had a deep revelation today. I do not feel to share in detail at this time. I will have to process it more and continue discussing the matter in t.

What I do know "NOW," and can share, is that I have been struggling from this major stronghold that has ruled my life with fear in a particular area for over 40 years.

The revelation today was of "when and where" it began. Starting around same time of my parents began parting and my family was being torn apart when I was around 11. I even remember in high school the first day it began. I could not pin point the connection. Until I saw myself back at the first day of school.

There is tremendous shame involved. Never did or could find a way how to tell anyone. Until briefly sharing with my t. today. Only the surface at this point. The rest to come.....

HEALING DAMAGED EMOTIONS

2011-10-03T04:26:00.000-04:00

As my pastor says many a time, "We are broken people living in a broken world."

We are people that have many hurts and struggles. Our emotions are damaged. Left not cared for, usually results in living a life of covering up and building up walls of protection and wearing masks.

Some of my damaged emotions resulted from feeling rejected. Resulting in feeling unworthy and shameful. Especially by my father. Who would have been 98 today. He was already in his late 40's when I arrived on the scene.

Growing up in a family of alcoholic parents had its drawbacks. My dad especially would drink daily. Weekends they would either host parties at our house or go to a nearby neighbor. I vaguely remember some of the parties as a toddler. They would wake me up, to pass me around and show me off. That was the norm back in the early 60's. I remember my mother saying to me once when I was older, that my father was a good entertainer and bartender when he was "feeling no pain". People liked him.

My mother was the breadwinner in the family. Which eventually led to their divorce. She could not put up with my father's laziness. Whether that is the whole story that would cause a marriage to fail, I do not know. Whatever the cause, I do remember mostly my dad reading a lot of paperback mystery books and porn. Always with a drink nearby. Then falling asleep hours on end on the couch. My mum coming home from work seeing him day after day like this. There was not much interaction between he and I.

Tired of feeling shame, guilt, and condemnation, I finally decided a few years ago to seek help and face my issues. My life was so miserable. Depression, sadness and unhappiness ruled me. Making me make some costly wrong choices. Acting out of my emotional pain.

Discovering now since in t. and slowly believing the trauma I went through as a child, "was not my fault." Even though I was also sexually abused at a young age numerous times by my older brother, that was not the turning point that shut me down emotionally. It did not help any. But that was not the turning point.

The turning point began around the same time my brother was abusing me. But the deterioration of my family unit was the focal point now. This probably over road the sexual abuse trauma. Hearing almost daily with my little ears and seeing the anger on their faces, the constant fighting, bickering and hurtful exchange of words from my parents to one another took presidence. As the pain now involved mummie and daddy. Which led up to my father having to move out of our house. A year later my mum divorcing him after 18 years of marriage. And within a couple of months, my mum remarried and ***poof*** my life drastically changed forever. I was whisked off by her without any say-so to another life full of new pain. This time worse than before.

I was a "innocent bystander." Who took on all the damaging emotions. Something that should of never been mine to take on in the first place. But, as I have learned in t., a child at such a tender age of 7 or 8 witnessing mummie and daddy fighting, not being able to fully comprehend the intensity of their arguments, will more than likely always place blame on themselves. I cringe just remembering what I felt.

Satan loves to mess with our minds. He uses psychological warfare against us. Fear is his biggest tool. Fear causes us to doubt and worry.

Even though I am still in the process of becoming more "real," and who the real JBR will be, my pseudo side still is evident when it comes to uncertainty. But when I am in the Spirit, I am known to be "the most real." My walls are pretty much down. Freer than any other time. The pseudo side of me does not have to pretend in order to be loved and accepted when I am connected to the Spirit. When I am in the presence of God, in prayer or worship, I present myself I believe as the "real me." Or very close to it.

What was brought on by my parents, my brother and others, I have no excuse now to let it take over and control me. Sure, I still need to continue to work on painful areas that have yet to be healed. And however long it takes (yes I did say that), knowing God is in my healing all the way, and having the support of trusted others, I will finish my race. But, in the right time.

THIS CALMS ME

2011-10-01T09:00:00.000-04:00
Please take the time to view these two super quick videos. The first one is 24 seconds and the second one is 39 seconds.

There is one explicative mentioned in the first video. So I apologize for that. But, I share that guys enthusiasm though!!

I love it!! You will see why as you read below why:

I could be totally at peace with these people on the beach experiencing this awesome power.

Stuff like this has always excited me! I feel the power!

When I really look deep into what I am going through emotionally these days, I certainly can see why I gravitate to this power. It calms me. Especially when I am really hurting!

When I first moved and was forced to live in New York at 12, after my parents divorce, besides finding solace in my la la land fantasies I found peace in trains and planes. Yep you heard me right. Trains (subways, roller coasters) and planes. Trains and planes have always fascinated me.

When we moved to New York, the apartment building we lived in was right near the Long Island Railway. Remembering the first day I set foot at the age of 12 into what was now to become my bedroom of isolation for the next 12 years the first thing that caught my eye was my view from my bedroom window. That was the only thing I remembered that day as I continued to shut down and cope with this traumatic experience of my family being ripped apart.

Having no friends and seeking some kind of diversion from my pain, I would spend hours after school standing over a "walk overpass" where the Long Island train would run under. Taking in the power of the locomotive rushing by under my feet. Hours upon hours. Day by day doing this.

Early on soon after the divorce, when my father was more or less still willing to see me on visits to Florida, he moved close to a small airport after a year or so after the divorce. I would get the thrill of having the air planes take off and fly over his apartment. He was under the take off pattern. I even took old Super 8 footage of the take-offs. Again, hours upon hours I would sit by myself and take in the power of the airplanes. Feeling at peace.

Then, when I eventually moved back to Florida and had to drive to work that passed under a landing strip of a major airport, I would try and time my car to meet up right under the belly of the airliner as it was landing. That was sooooo cool if I timed it right! Some times my car would shake violently from the engines.

Where I work now, running past our building is a commuter train. When I am early to work and if I am out and about during lunch, I again make it appoint to be close by and take in the fast trains that pass.

Believe it or not, I feel more connected with God when stuff like this is experienced. It is the Power! Even though I cannot compare God's mighty power to a jet engine, this for some reason connects me even more. The awesomeness of its power!!

Odd thing though.........is that I do not really care for flying.

But......

Put me by an airport any day and I will be happy.

AIN'T MOVIN' UNTIL I AM READY

2011-09-30T07:39:00.000-04:00

I am finding it is becoming more difficult now to gather my thoughts together and blog about what I am going through emotionally.

Finding this excerpt from Sarah Young's devotional Jesus Calling probably sums it up best what was discussed in t. yesterday and what I need to focus on:

"Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence."

I get too frustrated and impatient with wanting my healing process to speed up. Pushing the little one to "hurry up and change." Which in turn frustrates and hampers her from desiring to get well. To come out of hiding.

I envision my little one with her arms crossed, an angry pout on her face saying, "I ain't movin' until I am ready."

My t. brought it to my attention, that my little one needs to go at her own pace. There is a lot of pain that still need to be worked on.

Big JBR needs to lay off of her, step back, relax and let God minister and reveal to her what she needs. Just them two. The little one needs to learn "How to just be where she is at presently," and not compete.

WHAT DID IT COST ME?

2011-09-23T04:00:00.001-04:00

"What Did It Cost Me?"

That is the question that was posed to me in my last t. session.

In t., all along we agreed the divorce of my parents was where I "shut down emotionally." At the age of ten or eleven. Since my journey to freedom some three years ago, come October 8th, I have always stated generally my parents divorce had severely messed me up.

My t. would like me now to list, "what exactly did the divorce and the dysfunction of my parents do to me?"

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Getting now to the crux of the pain. Not just the pat answers anymore of, "I felt bad." "I became sad and unhappy." "I was angry."

No!

"What Did It Cost Me?"

Thursday t. session has really affected me. I left in a daze. Was able to retain what transpired. But, I knew how difficult what was asked of me and what lay ahead would only benefit me in the end if I wanted to have my freedom.

I thought all day about what the divorce did to me. Getting bummed out and angry. But that is probably expected. As I continue to connect emotionally.

I always pray for God's protection ahead before I tackle these memories. My mind is an an open field for the enemy to come in and make matters worse with his stupid input.

So......some of the questions I have been thinking about these past couple of days consisted of:

What did it cost me that my parents fought? What did it cost me that I did not get the attention from my father? What did it cost me that they first separated and my dad moved out? What did it cost me that my mother remarried and I was forced to live with her and a new man that was to be "another father" in my life? What did it cost me not to have my real father around? What did it cost me to lose my childhood friends? What did it cost me to start a new school and be threaten to be beat up my first day because I was new and different? What did all of this cost "little JBR" at the time.

I will share a couple of the answers...

First "What did it cost me when my parents verbally fought in front of me?" "It cost me security." Fear would grip my heart so tightly like a vice when I saw and witnessed their rage. That is why I cringe and cannot watch debates or intense arguing between people. I get so very frightened. I want to hide. It is hard to come by to give my opinion on a matter. As well as hard for me to speak up for myself out of fear of retaliation and rejection.

It also "cost me guilt." Blaming myself for their anger and divorce. And to this day, if I am confronted on something, my mind automatically goes to "I did something wrong. I am guilty." Without even knowing the circumstances.

And by far the next one is the most painful... "What did it cost me when my father did not listen, become impatient or belittle me?" "It cost me my self-worth. Along with shame." That I had no voice. I was a "no-body." Shamed I could not catch on quickly. Resulting in hating myself. Putting myself down and not trying before others would have the opportunity to do so. Or tell me to give up. Always thinking everyone is better than me.

"It also cost me who I am." Since I believed how I was was not to my fathers liking, I would "try" and please him in a way I thought would please him. Only to find out he became even more irritable and annoyed with me. Telling me to stop! As I craved his attention and became a nuisance. That is why people pleasing is such a strong hold for me.

But, the biggest thing that this question cost me was, "It cost me love." I had to really think on this one. Because I do not know what true love is. I saw it as if my dad did not pay attention to me. . . he then did not care. Trying to remember how did my father show physical affection towards me? I may have gotten an occasional hug. But, that is about it. Resulting in how I perceive God as well these days. Hard for me to give and accept love. As I did not get it. Painfully sad to me all the years I have missed out and what was taken from me in opportunities to experience and give love.

There are emotions that are just too difficult to put down on paper because there is no way how to explain them in writing. Those kind of emotions are sooooo deep that the only way to explain them is just plainly to experience them. And if you happen to be there at the time of me going through one of them, you then would understand.

What I shared is only the tip of the iceberg. It took a lot out of me emotionally and physically to write this post. Getting up early to start it as my heart was heavy. Even what I shared I felt was very shallow. Hard to put really deep pain into words. My mind can only handle so much.

But, I am certain, and assured, by going through the pain now is the only way to freedom! Forgiving will be a tough one to conquer. But it is a requirement to pass The Freedom test.

Sure, the opportunities of my past are gone. Yet God can give me new ones.

CRYING OUT

2011-09-18T04:00:00.000-04:00

Oh how I long to seek the Lord with all my heart. The longing to love Him and to feel His love fully. The longing to feel the joy He offers.

But, these have not come yet for me.

Sure I may get a glimpse here and there. A foretaste. But, I know there is soooooo much more. So much more He offers His children.

Knowing what I can have, but still out of my reach, hurts soooooo bad!!! I cannot tell you!!

Then I stop to think, is there something else He wants to show me? Show within me? Show who I really am? Show who I can be?

I feel at times I am too close to what God wants me to experience. But He holds off? Still having to dig some more gunk out. Fix some things. Let me complete more parts of my journey in order to be able to handle what He has in store for me. Destroying my idols, my fears that are blocking me from Him totally.

I know He is ready. He has always been ready. He has always been ready and available from the moment He formed me in my mother's womb. He knew from that time on how I would turn out. How I would desire to be in His presence. But, at the same time, knowing that I live in a fallen world, with sin abounding, that I too would succumb to its own pain. Still, He chose me. To be a follower of His.

Some times it is emotionally painful to want something sooooo very bad!!! But cannot have it just yet!!!

Lord, help me to feel what I just expressed to the deepest part of my being. As I continue with my healing, help me to move on out of my comfort zone towards more of You! At the same time let me be patient with the progress to intimacy with You.

JUST AS I AM

2011-09-18T03:40:00.000-04:00

Lord help to do just what it says below:

"You are good enough for me to love. Just as you are. You don't have to do anything big or spectacular. You don't have to earn My Love or fight for My attention. All you have to do is lie back, close your eyes, and rest in My Love for you,"

-Jesus Calling for Kids

DON'T WANT TO DO IT

2011-09-16T04:00:00.000-04:00
Lord I do not want to begin to have to go through and face what You have in store for me. (If you read my previous post you know what I am talking about) I am scared and I know going through this major struggle will be very painful for me emotionally and will take time.

But, I will. . . . .

As it is the only way to freedom!!

2011-09-13T13:07:00.000-04:00
I have been struggling lately with Vertigo. Which eventually prompted me to go to Urgent Medical where they also put me on B/P medicine.

Even though my Vertigo has not been as bad when I first had it, it is nevertheless still there. And a constant reminder.

Any of my readers who suffer from this, know what I am talking about. Besides getting very dizzy, you can go from feeling good in a second to extreme nausea the next. Not knowing when the next episode will happen.

So, I question "why" are you allowing this now Lord? You do not give me a chance to get over one thing, to have yet another thing happen.

Why do I even bother questioning?

As I know Your answer.

Your answer always points to trusting You no matter what! And to bring glory to You through my trials.

Always.

No getting around that one.

So, with this new ailment, I am trusting You Lord to help me through these days ahead with whatever You have in store for me. No matter how awful I may feel at times.

CHALLENGING IRRATIONAL FEAR

2011-09-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

“Mom, I’m afraid of that dog,” said my client’s little boy. “He might get me.”

“We’ll be careful, Timmy,” his mom replied. “Walk with Joan and me.” We continued past the dog to my office.

“Good morning,” said the dog’s owner who was a friend of mine. He and his dog were playing catch with a small ball. Timmy watched cautiously.

“They’re having fun,” said Timmy as he relaxed his grip on his mom’s arm.

“Do you want to throw the ball?” asked my friend. Soon the boy joined in the fun, playing with the dog he had previously feared.

Some of our fears are legitimate. Others are irrational and rob us of the joy of living. Like my client’s son, sometimes we need to confront our fear to learn that it is illogical.

If we’re afraid of someone else’s reaction because we think we might make a mistake, sound foolish, or say something wrong, we may back off. This behavior often keeps us from enjoying others’ company. Yet when we challenge our fear, staying true to our own personality, beliefs, and thoughts, we usually find that we were safe all along.

Lord, please give me courage to face and confront my irrational fear.

Copyright 2011 Joan C. Webb

The devotional above just touches on what I would call "common every day irrational fears." I certainly can relate to those. You too probably?

I have lived this way most my life. Some of my "irrational fears" even go deeper than the common fear of "what might someone think of me if I make a mistake."

My mum is a very fearful woman. Based a lot of fear around death and dying. She instilled many irrational fears in my life while growing up.

I lived a very isolated and sheltered life after my parents divorce when I was 10. But even before their divorce, I began observing and taking on "fears" that I witnessed by my mum. So living such a life, I knew only of my mum's over-protection + worries + fears = irrational.

Growing up in the 1970's, in a pretty safe neighborhood irrational fears found their way into my life. My mum instilled in me that going out after dark was just too dangerous. Something bad would definitely happen to me. And if I was allowed to go out at night, to one of the rare teenage parties (without supervision) to a friend's house, I would have to call my mum when I arrived. Call almost every hour. Then call her when I left. I was so embarrassed. Nobody else had to call their mommy. But me! This also happened in day light as well. Especially when I began to work in my early 20's. Having to call her when I arrived at work, lunch and left.

Then there are the fears that I conjured up myself over the years. Because of being brought up in a fear based home. Too many to name though here. Some are really amusing.

Like the time when I was in my early 30's and a "so-called girlfriend" at the time was with me. We got the bright idea of flying kites one afternoon on the beach.

Here I was with my kite in the air. Then all of a sudden unbelievable fear swept over me as I looked up into the clear blue skies. At a distance I saw a jet streaming across the sky. Then my irrational mind started working. I thought my kite was too high. My string would become tangled in the turbo engines of the jet. Causing it to plummet 40,000 feet into the ocean. I would then be responsible for all those deaths. Sick huh? To me it WAS REAL!!!

So real I began reeling in my line in as fast as I could. My girlfriend looked at me perplexed. I was determined not to cause a major catastrophe in the world and our kite flying ended abruptly that day. That was a fear. That was extreme irrational fear.

Now I can look back and laugh. Where would I get 40,000 feet of string that long to fly a kite in the first place? Secondly, there have never ever been any reports of a down jet airliner due to a flying kite.

Sure I still suffer in this area. Not as bad though. Like with anything else, as God continues to heal my mind and emotions and helps me to break these generational curses, I can only improve.......

PEACE

2011-09-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

It has been close to a week since my brother came to take over for me with my mum. In this weeks time, my responsibility and fear have been at a calmer level. If I "would" only incorporate this peace in my life all the time. As the devotional states below:

"My peace is such an all -encompassing gift that it is independent of circumstances. Though you lose everything else, if you gain My Peace you are rich indeed.

Let that be a deep comfort to you, especially amidts the many aspects of your life over which you have no control! When you are feeling at the mercy of your circumstances, My all-encompassing Peace is exactly what you need, even though you sometimes feel unable to receive it. Perhaps that is because you cling to other things-your loved ones, your possessions, your reputation. It's as if you are wrapping your fingers tightly around a small copper coin while I am offering you unlimited supplies of pure gold. My desire is to help you treasure My Peace above everything in the world-recognizing it as a supernatural gift, bequeathed to My followers shortly before My death.

A man who knows he will soon die wants to leave something precious with those he loves. Therefore, I "willed" My Peace to My disciples and all who would follow Me. I know this was a difficult gift to accept, especially in the midst of adversity. So, after My resurrection, the first words I spoken to My disciples were "Peace be with you." They needed this reassurance to reinforce what I taught them before I died. You also need to be reminded of the divine nature of this gift, for it is not the world's peace I give you: It is Peace that transcends all understanding."

-(Jesus Lives - Seeing His Love In Your Life - Sarah Young)

MY THERAPY SESSIONS

2011-09-08T23:28:00.000-04:00

I have been noticing these last couple of months that my sessions in t. have changed from when I first began three years ago next month.

The first couple of years, I would go into a session and even though the JBR's would have trouble talking at the beginning, still they had something to say. Using up the allotted time. And then some.

When I was going through a crisis back then, it took longer for me to get over as I was just developing the tools to learn and use.

These days, I can go through a trial, like with my mum these past few weeks, and if I do not have a t. session scheduled during this time....... I manage to survive the crisis. Then the next time I go to t., usually the following week, when the major crisis is over, I find that I do not use up as much time going through "the turmoil" of the crisis as in the early days.

Still I struggle with having my "emotions" catch up to my "feelings." I continue to feel flat lined, depressed and sad. Unless I am in the Spirit. Then literally I am who I was created to be. But, unfortunately, one cannot remain in this state of being while in this earthly body.

So..............

My t. reminds me that my emotions will eventually catch up. I did not become who I am over night. It will take time.

And once they do catch up, that will be freedom!

My biggest feat one day will be to cry in front of others and not feel shamed!!!

INFUSION

2011-09-08T07:50:00.000-04:00

Today waking up, exhausted.... my hormones and frustration level have been way off the charts. When those collide, I have issues. The littlest thing brings me to tremendous anger. I have to watch my anger these days, because of my HBP.

Already this morning, I have already gone ballistic. Dropping a cap from the top of my water bottle onto the floor. Then throwing my keys against the wall out of anger, swearing up a storm, that I had to bend down and pick up the cap. And now the keys.

I really hate when I am this way. I can even anticipate my mood change a head of time, and I still have trouble controlling my outbursts. Other times when I am not so hormonal, picking up a cap from the floor would not set me off.

Yeah, I can blame most of it on hormones. But, I believe a lot has to do with the array of emotions building up in me these past few weeks. Dealing with myself, my mum, work and PPP issues. All at the same time:

Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives-giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.

-Sarah Young-

I love the part about "crawling out of the mire."

FUNCTIONAL ORPHAN

2011-09-07T08:44:00.000-04:00

I have read this devotional before. Early on in my journey. Re-reading it today, it touches and hits home much more deeply now.

The emotional pain for me has become more evident in the words below. I certainly can relate to becoming a functional orphan when my parents divorced when I was eleven and I was forced to move away from my father. The feelings of neglect and abandonment, especially by father. The tremendous hurt, shame, guilt and extreme emptiness I felt and carried for so many years.

Through it all I am having to hang on to hope. The promises of what the devotional says. That my Savior understands the acute pain that orphans experience. Lord I ask for the strength to see me through my journey to where You want me to go.

Although, still hard at times, and right now very scary, it is becoming apparent that He does care and that I will never be without a family, because He has adopted me.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

There are many ways to become an orphan. Some children become orphans when their parents die. Others become functional orphans when their parents divorce. Other people become orphans as a result of their parent's emotional unavailability. Anyone who has been neglected, abandoned, or abused by people who were important in their life will appreciate what it is like to be an orphan. It is a painful and lonely experience. Orphans doubt their ability to sustain intimate relationships and find it difficult to trust others. Experiences of abandonment leave us full of loneliness, fear and self-loathing.

Jesus understood the acute pain that orphans experience. In this text he responds to that deep pain with a promise of relationship. "I will not leave you as orphans," Jesus says, "I will not abandon you. You will not be without family because I will come to you."

In Jesus we see most clearly that God is attentive and available to us when we feel abandoned or neglected. God respects our needs and responds to our desires for relationship. God calls us out of the brokenness and dysfunction of our very personal orphanage into the community and fellowship of God's family. We are no longer orphans. We are God's children.

Lord, I know about being an orphan.
I know about abandonment.
Thank you for understanding my fear of separation.
Thank you for understanding my need for your presence.
Come.
Be present today with me.
I want to spend time with you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

SECRETS CAN EAT US ALIVE

2011-09-06T06:41:00.000-04:00

It is those secrets that we keep buried deep within that can eat us alive. Known fact that disease and illness are much more likely to develop and fester many years.

I have had my share of secrets. Being sexually abused by my older brother when I was 8 or 9 years old. Surviving the divorce of my parents and the split up of my family when I was around the same age of being abused by my brother. The critical spirit I obtained from my father and mother which prompted feelings of unworthy, and loathing of myself. Unhealthy relationships later on in life. The pain of loneliness, shame, guilt, condemnation, which resulted in depression, sadness and hopelessness. I was such an angry and unhappy person. My little one was so afraid to be seen. She had been hurt so terribly growing up.

When I began t. a few years ago, I divulged many things to my t. I never ever told anyone. Because of fear, denial and who would believe me?

It is true when they say that if you are able to share with someone(s) who will not be critical, judgmental and who is trustworthy, doing so releases inside relief and a sort of freedom that, "finally someone else knows and understands."

YOUR TURN

2011-09-05T05:25:00.000-04:00

My brother is due to arrive today for a week to take over "the responsibility" of watching and caring for my mum.

I cannot tell you how much I look forward to his arrival.

I am tired. All over. Inside and out.

**Update** URGENT PRAYER

2011-09-04T11:46:00.000-04:00
My mum woke up with pain in the back where her kideny's are and has trouble breathing deeply becuase of the pain. She has no fever. Will monitor and if it becomes worse will take her to the E.R. I believe the doctor said to watch out for something like this.

Satan and his never ending attacks. Pleaded the blood of Jesus Christ and anointed my mum with oil. Believing for a complete healing.

Will watch her closely today.

* * * UPDATE* * *

No more pain. There is power in prayer. Thank you for all who prayed.

This was a deliberate attack from satan. The pain came out of left field. I am sure this will not be the end.

She was in sooooo much pain this morning. She was afraid to breathe because it hurt so bad. I was this close to taking her to the E.R.

We kept on rebuking the enemy's attack and claiming healing.

Thank you again for your continued prayers for my mum and myself. She sleeps most of the day but there are signs of strengthening.

EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

2011-09-01T01:00:00.000-04:00
I am at a point close the title. Having to be with my mum every single day since last Wednesday, taking care of her and then constant bickering is taking its toll.

I found myself a few times, just to survive to head off to "The Swing." If any of you do not know what I'm tlaking about see the post on the left hand side of my blog.

Managed to escape for a few hours to work yesterday and some today. But even that is exhausting.

But despite The Swing, I know God is my strength. I will get through this trial with His help. Amen.

FRAGILE

2011-08-31T13:57:00.001-04:00

The last few months have been extremely trying for me. Dealing with my health issues, breaking away 'still' from a dysfunctional relationship, my mum's health issues, and my continued journey progress of healing in some painful areas. I feel so very weak body, mind and spirit.

Today's devotional by Sarah Young could not be more appropriate.

I am sure a lot of you out there can relate as well:

Grow strong in your weakness. Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty. Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than on your understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what Will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness. - Sarah Young

Even though I appear strong on the outside, I am very fragile on the inside. Right now it is hard to go on. I am just so tired.

But....

Depending on the Lord for my needs and answers is hard many times. I still find myself bypassing the most important connection.... Him. But instead, taking a detour to my own thinking and solutions. I certainly understand that He is developing my trust in Him. Because most my life I did not. Many times I can go overboard with being analytical. Even that has slowed down a bit. Mainly because I am coming to the place "that I cannot do this on my own." As stated before, I am just too tired now. So, I need to heed to what the author states above, "to depend on Him continually, trusting Him to guide me and strengthen me as needed."

I cannot do this on my own.

IT IS NOT EASY

2011-08-28T14:00:00.000-04:00

It is not easy taking care of an aging parent. Let alone one that just had major surgery. This is the very hard part. One on one.

Those of you who have experienced this know what I am talking about.

Her b/p is up a bit, as well as her heart rate. Having a bit of a headache. I have to constantly remind her that her body is trying to heal and it is expected, after going through a traumatic operation to have the above happen.

Besides staying with my mum most of the time these past few days and checking on her throughout the day and night, making sure she is resting comfortably, massage her back when needed. I also attend to her hygiene needs. Do the shopping and yes even some simple cooking and cleaning. I have been constantly reminded of my past with my mum's controlling methods. "Get this, get that," "do this do that." "Don't do that." "Why are your doing that?"

Only this time, it is hard to "say no" because she does need my help.

Unfortunately my mum was not provided Home Health Care by her doctor after her surgery. It really would not have amounted to much except them changing her dressing and probably washing her up a bit. If she would want a nurse her insurance would not cover it. So she has "Daughter JBR" as her caretaker.

What I am leading up to is that even though I complain, which I am, I have been asking for God's Grace and patience in these days ahead. I so need His strength emotionally and physically during this time. It is difficult.

I feel resentful at times. I feel I am the only one taking the burden of responsibility. But, the guilt I once felt because of my crankiness and short temper is not as strong as before when I get this way. Especially at these trying times being cooped up all day with my mum. It is very trying!! The bickering.

My mum is a very stubborn woman. Regardless of just having major surgery. Still, I am realizing finally I am human. I have limits. And I do not have to take a lot of crap like I used to before in the past with feeling "bad" about myself. Especially feeling guilty because of the way I am feeling. Which is aggravated and on edge. I get this way especially when I am lacking sleep and constantly nagged over and over and over again.

Now even though my brother will be coming next week to take over for a week, he will have it easier with my mum. She would have regained some strength and would not depend on him as much as me.

Wow, I certainly understand the meaning of being "depleted" and "drained." It does take its toll on me. Struggling with so many emotions.

I have my very weak moments, where I just break down and cry. I may appear strong on the outside, but I am really crumbling terribly on the inside. Hopelessness and very fearful.

When my mum is resting/sleeping, that is when I do the same. I am exhausted.

Here I was even thinking about attempting to go into work a few hours at the end of the week. Depending on how my mum is doing. But, I am at a point I do not even have the desire to return to work.

It has been a long uphill battle not only with my mum's health issues, but mine as well.

I may need to just take some time alone at the end of the week and not go to work, and gather myself and regroup.

GREAT NEWS

2011-08-28T13:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, while I was waiting with my mum in her hospital room to be discharged, she told me earlier that the floor doctor (not her regular doctor) came by to see how she was doing and said, "So I bet you are glad that the surgery is over with?" My mum agreed. Then he went on to say, "I bet you are also glad that the tumor was not cancerous." My mum was astonished with her jaw dropped and she looked back at the doctor. He then said, "You didn't know?" "No and Praise the Lord" was her reply back.

Here we were waiting for another week to find out the results from her regular doctor, who said it would take that long to get them back from the Pathologist, and here the floor doctor of the hospital matter of fact just stated "you don't have cancer."

This was great news!! Because all along we were led to believe that this type of tumor almost always produces cancer. That is what we kept on hearing and was encouraged to have the operation.

Certainly an answer to many prayers. Thank you Lord.

Another thing the Lord did "for me" during this time was not to have me think ahead to what the possibilities would have been if she did have cancer and then the treatments later on.

I did not realize any of this. Did not think about it. Only until I started informing people of the miracle of her not having cancer yesterday that they brought it up to me saying, "Aren't you glad your mum does not have to have radiation or Chemo?" Never crossed my mind. Never never ever.

I know God protected me in this area. I am one to analyze everything. Especially when it comes to health issues. The Lord protected my mind from the fears and turmoil.

It was like my mind was erased for this segment.

NORMAL IT WAS NOT

2011-08-27T09:52:00.000-04:00

Spoke with my mum this morning and she tells me she had a bad night at the hospital. With her it is hard to judge her severity as she has irrational fears. I will not know until I see her in a little while if she will be ready to be released as planned today. Then take her home and care for her for the next week.

Meanwhile I picked up the book by Beth Moore, "Get Out of that Pit." I read it before. I normally do not like to read. But when I do, I am a "underliner," "highlighter," "margin commenter" and "star drawer" on important and relevant profound things that have touched me.

So this morning I have been flipping through her book before leaving for the hospital and came across one of many notations, and stars I made on a page. The following is what I "starred and underlined that I could so relate to now:"

When God performs a dramatic deliverance in our lives, the nature of some of our closest relationships inevitably changes. The healthier we get, the more we realize how unhealthy we were.

That last sentence especially was profound to me.

In retrospect, I see how I lived in a unhealthy and dysfunctional family. The irrational fears of my mum which carried over to myself. The emotional hurt and sadness and the lack of properly being nurtured or socialized into the world made the life I lived very dismal, depressing and hopeless. Because basically I lived a very fearful, shame filled, controlling and isolated life. Which spilled over to the few unhealthy relationships later on in life I tried to develop.

Right now, I am exhausted and going through a trying time with my mum. The next week as I care for her will be a challenge for me. Then my brother takes over for a week.

Still though it is amazing how God heals and continues to heal me through finally going through the pain and seeing clearly and understanding what seemed normal to me, Was Not!

****UPDATE****8/26/11 TONIGHT ****UPDATE****

2011-08-26T18:37:00.000-04:00

UPDATE

Just came back from seeing my mum tonight. Her b/p was high because of the earlier news she received. Since they took the catheter out ten hours ago, she had not peed. The doctor's concern was that they would have to insert the catheter back in again in order that she would not bloat and become seriously uncomfortable. But before they did that, they told her to drink drink drink a lot of water. She did, and finally a trickle.

The reason why they were more concerned about whether she peed or not was when they cut the tumor out part of the tumor was a little too close to the Urethra. So his concern was she may have trouble peeing. She will still have to go for a ultra sound in a few months to make sure no scar tissue has formed over the opening.

* * * *

Thank you all for your prayers and concerns.

Sorry I have not posted earlier, but have been just exhausted.

It was a very long day Wednesday. The day of my mum's surgery. I was totally exhausted. Surgery was 4-5 hours long. Then the waiting. For recovery. Only saw her five minutes after recovery. She was out of it.

The doctor removed the tumor from one of her kidneys. They could not tell right away if the tumor was cancerous. Will take up to a week or so for the Pathologists to do tests.

Doctor's want her to walk walk walk. She is in pain but on Morphine if she wants. She is doing much better than yesterday.

I feel I was like a yo yo this morning. First the doctor's wanted to release her, now they want her to stay an extra day. Fine by me!!! I can rest another day. Right now the main concern is that she is not peeing or pooing. They need to make sure she is able to do that. So that is why they are keeping her another day.

Thank you again..

SURGERY

2011-08-23T02:14:00.000-04:00

My mum will have surgery tomorrow morning, 7:30 a.m. EST to remove a cancerous growth on one of her kidneys.

Have to be at the hospital by 6:00 a.m.

Appreciate prayers. Specifically for the leading of the Holy Spirit to be amongst the surgeons who are performing her operation. That the Lord calm my mum's fears (which are heighten), as well as mine during this time. That the cancer had not spread and will be contained. To give me strength, and sound of mind in the days afterwards as I take care of her and that she heals quickly.

Reality is now setting in for me. I have been so preoccupied with my own health problems and going ons at work, that they over road what my mum will be going through. I am concerned. But at the same time, knowing God is in control! I am still believing for a miracle!

If that was not bad enough, please keep in prayer Hurricane Irene. I live in South Florida. Looks like "now" the hurricane will skirt the east coast of Florida, so that is a good thing. May just get wind and some rain. No direct hit.

Thank you.

FISH THERAPY

2011-08-21T14:30:00.000-04:00
I cannot believe it has been a week already since I went to Urgent Medical and was diagnosed with fluid in my ear, and high blood pressure.

Even though the meds that I am taking now for these ailments give me side affects, i.e. drowsiness, dry mouth and hoarseness first thing in the morning, I cannot tell you how much better I feel!

Have not felt this good in a very long time. I still am plagued with the dizziness, as I do suffer from vertigo.

For many months, close to a year now, I have been staring at an empty 30 gallon fresh water fish tank. Emotionally and physically I just had no desire to replenish it. Could not make myself go and get fish. The only thing that was alive in the tank was one catfish and floating algae that collected. I so enjoyed my fish tank when it is cutting loosing with fish enjoying themselves.

So, feeling pretty good physically and super charged Spiritually today, after church (which was SUPER AWESOME BY THE WAY) I went to Pet Supermarket and invested in some Albino Cory's, Serpaes, Neons, Black Neons, and White Skirt Tetras.

I missed de-stressing and unwinding while sitting in front of my tank. So, now at least I have something "live" to look at once again.

JBR enjoying her new fish.

MY DECLARATION

2011-08-21T06:24:00.000-04:00

One of my faithful bloggy buddies, GAIL posted this song on her blog. I liked and related to it so much that I wanted to share the song with you. The meaning of the words are very powerful for me as I journey on in seeking my declaration!!

You may see yourself in here as well!

1970's NOT "GOOD TIMES"

2011-08-20T09:07:00.000-04:00

You know what is weird, for the past couple of months I have been faithfully watching the 1970's sitcom, "Good Times." I remember watching that show when it came out in the 70's while I was still in high school. I really like this show!

It is becoming so evident now how detached and isolated I was.

The 1970's were not good to me. I was hurting emotionally something terribly. All by myself.

Back then, besides going off in la-la land to escape the pain of my parents divorce, my mother's remarriage, moving away from my father, my home and friends I also escaped into television. So much so, that I would play out in my mind and IRL the characters that appealed to me. My young mind and damaged heart could only grasp just what I saw on the outside. Not what was going on in the inside of a tv character yet let alone myself. I was imitating what I would call "a shell character." No depth.

While watching the TV show, "Good Times" and other sitcoms during the 1970's, I would give the appearance that I was comprehending what was going on, only to find out decades later, I zoned out. Seeing only the "shell of a individual." A sort of white noise phenomena I was experiencing.

If you were to ask me back then what the episode of the night was about, I could not tell you. This too was so evident in my school work at the time. I could not concentrate.

But today, it is like a whole new era. My awareness is so bright and clear now. I see depth into the same characters that came over as "shell individuals" so long ago. Watching these old reruns are all new to me. Like it is the first time I am ever seeing them.

I totally understand what is going on with each character and how "each person" had a life. Had an opinion. Had a purpose. The family was a unit even in the most difficult times. Something I did not have. The support was phenomenal. Interaction among the parents and the siblings were real. No shell existence this time. I am finally understanding the storyline and what it is like to be real. No zoning out here.

Same as it plays out IRL now. I see depth in people. I see and feel their pain. I feel the realness now. Good and bad.

APOLOGY DOES NOT ALWAYS = RECONCILIATION

2011-08-18T17:31:00.001-04:00
I have been reminded today in t. that "An apology does not always mean a reconciliation."

My belief was once someone apologizes, then things will go back to the way they once were. Not so. Not unless there is change. And not unless I want them too. Even with change, I do not have to let anyone in as before if I do not care to. Better to be safe.

URGENT MEDICAL

2011-08-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

Well JBR did not make it to work today.

Remember when I shared a couple of posts ago about when pain and symptoms get to their ultimate unbearable point, then JBR FINALLY breaks down and seeks help.

I have been suffering from dizziness since last Friday. And feeling really lousy and fatigued for the longest time.

Having difficulty keeping my balance, I was able to drive myself to a "Urgent Medical Care" facility. Where I was diagnosed with possible fluid in the ear. But, definitely high blood pressure.

I knew I suffered from high blood pressure for a very long time. But, like any stubborn and rebellious individual, who is very fearful, and has issues to work through in this area, I ignored it. Knowing very well it is known as "the silent killer." Could not ignore this time tough.

The doctor would not release me, by law, until she got my b/p under control. It was very high. I was prescribed Meclizine (Antivert) for ten days for the dizziness and Lisinopril unfortunately now for life for the high blood pressure.

Also was given an EKG which was good.

Was told to come back Wednesday morning for a follow-up.

I do feel a whole heck a lot better. Thank you Lord!

I have a b/p machine at home, and it is good to see now the readings in the normal range. Something that has not been so in I do not know how many years.

Only bad side effects of these two meds is that they make you extremely drowsy. I slept most the day.

So, are we done yet Lord? Besides the pending surgery of my mum's cancerous growth in two weeks? Probably not, huh?

MY FORM OF CUTTING

2011-08-11T04:30:00.000-04:00

I had no clue how the Spirit was going to lead me, and if at all, on this topic. Nevertheless, I can always tell if my posts are coming from the Spirit or from myself. The ones that flow easy are from the Spirit and in my opinion are therefore usually a divine post for someone or someone(s) out there to grab hold of.

T. revealed more of a deep seeded shame issue. Which prompted the title of this post. Which could also read, My Form of anorexia or bulimia or Trichotillomania or Masochism, etc.

Even though I do not suffer from any of the above per ce, mine comes in the form of enduring any type of physical pain regarding my health.

Could be from a serious nagging tooth ache, lumps, bumps and masses found on and in my body. Pains in my side, my legs, my arms, my head, my eyes. You name it. Something that could possibly be easily fixed. But, I refuse to have whatever fixed. Sure I can mask the pain for awhile. But never totally fix it. Fear plays a part in the mix as well.

But in order to fully understand why I do what I do, you have to REALLY GO DEEPER.

I shared how my mum and dad, especially my mum, would "shame" me into doing things that I did not want to do. That is all I kind of ever knew growing up. So, as I am discovering, I have chosen the route dealing with my health to control. Why? Only God knows. You can ask yourself the same question, "Why do I cut?" "Why do I not eat?"

It does not matter how much pain I could be in. I could be suffering through tremendous amount of agony, where tears would be rolling down my face as I am wracked with pain. Still somehow I endure it and make it through. However long it takes. And however many times the ailment comes back. Sure, I loose sleep over it. Miss work. Have fear take over because of it. But will that change my mind? Not at this point.

So, do I get pleasure out of feeling pain? No not really. Sure, I can say, it makes me feel alive. But at the same time, it hurts like hell!!!!!

Right now I would rather endure the agony then make the effort to have the pain taken care of. I hang on to the control. This is "my" cutting. "My" pain. I am in control. No one can "force" me to seek medical attention. Unless I choose to.

Then here is where the "damming" and "shaming" comes in. Rebellion takes over. The lying voices in my head that scream "I am wrong to be stubborn." "I am so defiant." "That what I am doing is not right." "How dare you." "Shame shame shame on you." Even go as far as calling myself, "stupid," "idiot," "dummy." Beliefs I heard growing up from my parents. Beliefs that made my self worth a zero.

This realization was an eye-opener for me today. Sure as heck, I know I am stubborn. Big time! As well as I know I am fearful. But it is not about the pain. It is not about the fear. It goes deeper. It is about the shame that makes me do what I do.

With saying all this, I extend an opportunity for any others who do suffer with other harmful survival mechanisms. That result in self injury. To look deep inside, if you have not already done so. Come to the realization of what triggers your responses to act on your survival mechanism. Then ask yourself, as I will have to do, "are you ready to admit such and such is causing you to cut, to not eat, to physically hurt yourself?" Are you ready to admit, "it is time to let go of, the lies you have been told?" "Whatever trauma you experienced was NOT your fault?" "You were an innocent bystander that was taken advantage of."

I too am running this very difficult race as well. I too am posing these same very questions to myself. Not fun. And not easy. But "REAL."

***I am learning and beginning to believe who I am in Christ. So, I am aware of this. Just sharing this post, as now I have a reason behind my action.***

ROOTED IN SHAME

2011-08-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

A lot of deep shameful issues are being brought up lately. Triggered by being "way over stressed" with my present circumstances.

I was brought up in an atmosphere which led to shame. This is so evident when I am in t. When we touch on some painful issues. My little girl comes up quickly and tries to hide and withdraw. Even to the point of hiding behind her long hair. A barrier of safety.

She is afraid to show who she really is. She becomes afraid, unsure and uncomfortable when paid attention, comforted or loved. She feels she does not deserve any of these. Has trouble receiving. She only knew of being violated, fearful, disciplined, criticized, judged, controlled and very hurt.

God is slowly pulling me out of my shameful root system. It is a process. A long and painful one.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love may have power . . .to grasp . . . the love of Christ. Ephesians 3:17

We all have root systems. Roots are life-lines. They seek out and drink in water and nutrients. And they provide stability in times of wind and erosion.

Unfortunately, many of us are rooted in the soil of shame. Roots in this rocky soil become bound. They cannot sustain growth. They are not able to provide nourishment or stability.

Recovery for many of us is like being transplanted. It is the process of allowing God to first pull us out of the parched and rocky soil of shame and to then plant us in the soil of love. In the rich soil of love our fragile roots can finally begin to stretch, grow and take hold. It is a soil in which real nourishment and real stability are possible.

But transplantation is not a simple matter. No matter how gently God pulls us up out of the soil of shame, there will be trauma. And sinking roots in new soil will feel like an unfamiliar and risky adventure.

As our roots sink deeper and deeper in the soil of God’s love, however, we will begin to experience growth that never could have been possible in the soil of rejection and shame. We will become ‘rooted and established’ in love.

My roots are in poor soil, Lord.
They do not nourish.
They provide no stability.
My roots are bound, Lord.
Transplant me.
Give me grace-full soil, Lord.
Sink my roots deeply.
Give me stability.
Nourish me.
In your love.
Amen.

Copyright 2011 Dale and Juanita Ryan

ORPHANS OF GOD

2011-07-29T02:40:00.000-04:00

I was playing this song the other day over and over again. For some reason there are certain songs that affect me emotionally and bring me back to the first time I heard the song.

I heard this song over two years ago when I was going to my Thursday night group for Life Skills. A group I was not comfortable with at the time. I did not fit in. Felt like an orphan. I would play this song before class again and again.

The words were very powerful for me at the time. Now.....the words are not only powerful, but meaningful. Shows another aspect of my growth.

But....when I hear this song NOW, it is haunting. For some reason I am uncomfortable with listening to it. And some times I have to turn it off. Because I get painfully and emotionally uncomfortable as my heart begins to reconnect and heal.

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft’ abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

BETTER TODAY - I SURRENDER

2011-07-28T02:00:00.000-04:00
Follow up to yesterday's rant post. I did have trouble with sleep. But, that is okay. Was able to sort things out. Getting over my rage is becoming quicker now. That is improvement. Realizing I am only hurting myself physically especially at this point, and emotionally with these still tantrums.

I am determined to forgive myself. Starting this moment. Then I will be able to forgive others. No matter the cost.

Suck up my pride. Let Jesus have my pain. Try not to care what others think. What I may look like on the outside, i.e. weak. But, knowing and starting to believe I am strong on the inside! Start believing and walking out who I am in Christ!

Begin saying good things about people that I have issues with. Or at least begin to start not saying bad things about them and keep my mouth shut!!

I cannot live with this physical pain of stress any longer. I know this will not be an easy battle, but "I surrender Lord."

Listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, as I do every morning, confirmed today what I wrote above.

I guess this is one of the requirements to "really stepping out of my comfort zone."

COMFORT ZONE

2011-07-27T07:54:00.000-04:00

I believe that my "true" calling will be found and fulfilled way out of my comfort zone.

Yikes!

I have to really push past my fears in order to see what God really has for me. That includes not only working on my past hurts, dealing with forgiveness and unforgiveness and resentment, but at the same time recognizing what God is showing me in the present and to begin to step out.

Double Yikes!!

Let me tell you, this is something I Do Not Want To Do! But, at the same time, I feel the stirring inside that I Do Not Want To Miss Out On What God Has For Me!

Triple Yikes!!!

I am scared!

BEATING MYSELF UP

2011-07-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

I am doing a bit better with not beating myself up. When I say a "bit better," I mean after I find myself beating myself up about something, I am recognizing it sooner. So, I "try" not to repeat the action over in succession.

Beating myself up in my case means: Me, verbally attacking my character. Not allowing myself to be human and make mistakes. Feeling like a failure. Don't measure up. Calling myself, "stupid," "dummy" or other four letter words when I feel more inadequate than normal and think people are judging and laughing at me. Self loathing. Also reprimanding myself for something that "I felt" is expected of me to have known. Then there is the physical aspect of my beating up on myself where I will slap, hit or even bang my head/face as punishment.

Yesterday at work I found a few times beating myself up. But each time, I was quicker to realize this needs to stop. Whether it was getting furious with myself under my breath over something I had no control over, or hitting myself on the side of the head because in my eyes "I should have known something," I am slowly realizing little JBR does not deserve this abuse from the older one. Big JBR needs to accept the grace that not only her heavenly Father offers, but also then extend it to the little one as well.

WHERE WERE YOU GOD?

2011-07-26T07:53:00.000-04:00

I know many of you can relate to this topic. I will just let the devotional speak for itself. At the same time understanding the words may be difficult for some of us:

"How long, O Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen? Or cry out
to you, "Violence!" but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds." Habakkuk 1:2-3,13

Where were you God? Where were you when I needed you? Didn't you see the violence? The abuse? The injustice? Didn't you care? There are times in recovery when we are full of questions about God. The pain of past trauma can be intensified when we begin to struggle with these hard questions about God.

It is important to acknowledge that these questions about God are not academic questions. No theoretical explanation of the problem of pain will soothe our raging, confused hearts. These are urgent, personal questions about God and about God's involvement in our lives. We want to know that God sees and cares and intervenes in our lives. We need God. We need God's love. We need God's help.

It is an important source of encouragement to know that we are not the first to ask these hard questions. There is clear biblical precedent for asking difficult questions about God. People of faith have always struggled with questions like these. We can take comfort and courage from knowing that the prophets also asked urgent questions similar to our own.

God, I am afraid.
I don't understand.
Violence and abuse happen and you do not stop it.
You seem absent.
You seem uncaring.
I need to know that you see and care.
I am calling to you for help, God.
Please hear me.
Please respond.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

Even though I totally believe that God was right there in the midst of my circumstances, but "why" He let what happened to me or "why" He did not rescue me, I may not fully know or understand this side of heaven. That is one of the mysteries of God.

Once in a while I still find myself angry at God for the "way" I turned out. And I certainly understand the reaction of anger for any of us who have gone through trauma. One thing I believe now by going through what I personally have is that I can relate better to others who have gone through the same thing I have to encourage and help. So, that may be part of His Big plan.....

LIVING IN THE PRESENT

2011-07-25T04:40:00.000-04:00

There is a part of me that still struggles to live in the present.

I had way too much time on my hands growing up. A loner most my life. Surviving childhood trauma, I had nothing better to do then to find a way to protect myself from further pain.

Always analyzing and trying to predict what "may" happen in the days ahead. Whether in a personal situation, conflict, a person, school, work, family, etc. Always worrying and thinking ahead, along with remembering my painful past. Relying on my own judgements and decisions. Not letting "today" happen for itself.

Let me tell you, doing this kind of analyzing is very exhausting, fearful and frustrating.

SO........

God wants to give me His Grace to live in the present. To t-r-u-s-t Him. He would want me to depend totally on Him. To give Him all my worries. To live the moment(s) He has given me "in the now."

Also having to concentrate on letting go of my past. Yes, my past was sad, unhappy and damaging. But God wants me to begin to live in the present now. Begin a-new.

Will not be easy. But, doing so, giving myself over to Him is all part of my journey to freedom.

My grace is sufficient for you, but its sufficiency is for one day at a time. That's why it is essential for you to learn how to live in the present.

Your mind so easily slips into the future, where worry is abound. You also spend way too much time analyzing the past. Meanwhile, splendors of the present moment parade before you, and you don't even notice. Part of the problem is your tendency to strive for self sufficiency. I will help you learn to rest in My sufficiency, depending on Me more and more.

You need My grace in order to live in the present. Grace is all about My provision for you, but accepting that goes against the grain of your natural tendencies. Each day you face a number of situations requiring My help. Moment by moment I proffer to you the needed assistance. Your part is to recognize your neediness and receive what I offer.

My Presence is with you always, providing everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow's needs. My sufficiency is for a day at a time - today!

Sarah Young - Jesus Lives "Seeing His Love in Your Life"

I specifically purchased this book recently. Out of all the other books she has to offer, I wanted something on God's love. A topic very hard for me to feel and understand.

CIRCUIT OVERLOAD

2011-07-22T02:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday in t. we picked up on where we left off the following week. Lately I tend to draw a blank and have to be reminded for some reason what was covered. It is like, "oh yeah yeah, that is right we did talk about that." Glad someone remembered.

So where does my mind go in a weeks time? Some times I wonder. Poof!

It is not that I am not putting into action the "tools" I am learning in t. during the week. It is just when I have a lot going on emotionally, my brain circuits fire up and scream "overload." Verbally I am not much of a talker. But, when I get this way it is like, ah, duh, ummm..... woooo ....

When I am like this my depression worsens and I tend to forget more. Depression can do that.

RESENTMENT/FORGIVENESS

2011-07-21T04:49:00.000-04:00

RESENTMENT a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Although I am struggling particularly at this time dealing with resentment, which is an issue from my past that plays into my insecurities, it is not fun!

Since I have lead mostly an isolated life, no real friends, no real social life, no real nothing...... resentment really was not an issue. Interaction with people was limited. No deep relationships at all.

Not until starting my journey some three years ago. Where God is using people currently in my life (since I am becoming freer) to draw out what layed dormant and festered along with other emotionally painful crap all these years from my childhood.

Resenting people(s) hurting, abusing, using me. The affects that my parents divorce had on me. The emotional pain of the splitting up of my family and verbal abuse. My brother sexually violating me as a child which instilled a tremendous amount of fear still locked up inside of me to this day are all part of the resentment pain of my past that I am experiencing now. Angry and resentful that part of my life was taken away from me, mainly out of fear of my past hurts.

Dealing with resentment now, is a big chore. As there are more people in my life now that I am not ignoring or running away from, that there is more of the possibility of getting hurt. Once again.

God has me in a situation at this moment where I have to extend forgiveness. Something I do not really understand nor never ever done. Forgiving is something I am learning. Not only learning to forgive others, but myself. Which is even a harder chore.

Not dealing with the emotional and physical turmoil that resentment can cause will undoubtedly eat you up inside if you will NOT let it go. Not an easy task. And for me something that is not going away over night.

POINT OF FREEDOM

2011-07-19T02:22:00.000-04:00

"When" I reach the point where what man's negative opinion thinks of me does not bother me anymore, and that shame that is not rightfully mine is a lost memory, then I know I have reached freedom!

I just want to go emotionally to bed.

HEAL THE WOUND

2011-07-18T18:42:00.001-04:00

I am hurting. This songs says it all.