"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


“Change is not a race. The change process can not be rushed. We often want to 'hurry it up', but we can't. Change that is real and long lasting requires patience and perseverance. When we have been practicing our dysfunctions for decades, we can expect that unlearning them will also take time. (excerpt from Dale and Juanita Ryan)

When we are in so much pain and turmoil, who would not want the pain to go away instantly? Who would not want the pain of abuse of any kind, whether substance, domestic, physical, emotional, sexual, etc. to vanish right away?

I would want the process of change to speed up so that ‘my mind can finally fuse with my heart in order that I could actually feel once again!’

After being sexually violated as a young child by a family member, I shut down by stuffing my emotions, turning within and basically denying something “bad” happened to me. To make matters worse, at the same time the abuse was going on my alcoholic parents were arguing and not getting along. At times I found myself within earshot of my parents arguments, or even being present, and witnessing my mother and father yell and cut one another apart. My insides churned up as the tears fell from my eyes and me voicing to them “to stop.” (One of the rare times I remember crying as a child, and actually was in touch with my feelings) The arguments were getting louder and directed more and more at one another. Some times, their anger would verbally be directed to us children. My father would often use the phrase, “Children are best seen and not heard,” and “You are a burden.” I quickly learned to not voice an opinion or if I did say it quickly. Divorce ensued shortly thereafter. Family split up literally. I got the rough end of the deal as I had to move away from my home state, friends, father, family and live with mother and new husband in new state and live a Father Knows Best/Leave It to Beaver life like nothing ever happened. But Now I Am Finding Out That It Did……over four decades later.

So, it is hard to ask change to hurry up. As much as I too want the pain to go away, I know (and this is my personal belief only) I must learn something through this painful journey I am on. I know for one thing, God disapproves of ANY kind of abuse and suffering!!! I do not have the answers to why He lets certain things happen. I certainly do not want to dwell the rest of my life on His reasoning’s of things, otherwise I would be God myself. I just want to get healthy both in mind and body and obey, as best as I can at this stage in my life, and find the purpose that He initially had planned for me.


  1. The purpose God has for you is unfolding as we write. Your openness and honesty is touching many who read you, and the tentacles reach far out from ther, helping people of whom you will never be aware.

    Further purpose will be shown to you as you are pruned, and therefore ready to do God's will, whatever that is.

    Peace and Love.

  2. The journey you have undertaken is so difficult-- so painful. But not as difficult and painful as what you are leaving behind. There is a peaceful future possible. If I didn't believe that I would not bother to keep breathing. A lot of us are cheering for you.

  3. You've been through too much. I'm very sorry.
    Being in pain...
    Hmmm... we want it to go away as soon as possible. I believe it's part of being human.
    But sometimes the pain lasts and requires a whole process to go away.
    I agree with Tricia that you will be more peaceful in the future.
    And, yes, we are cheering for you.

  4. Ana-Yes, feeling pain, all sorts, I too believe is part of being what God has created us to be, human! Thank you for your encouragement Ana and your cheers!
    Tricia-You are right in saying what is in the past is more painful then the 'hopeful' future that awaits me and all of us! Thank you Tricia!
    Stevie-Your insight is always welcomed, thank you dear one.

  5. stuck-in-the-middleApril 14, 2009

    I'm praying for you.

  6. you are right to not hurry. love and hugs to you on the process....

  7. AD and Shadow - Thanks for the hugs.
    Stuck-Thank you for your prayers!

  8. May God give you little bits of joy, hope and peace along the way.

    God Bless


  9. I am so saddened by your pain. It will get better , the first step is always the longest and the hardest.
    Trust now that you have a huge wave of love surrounding you, and that all of us out here think of you and these wishes will convert to the strength you need to get though this.
    You are not alone.

  10. Karen-thank you for the visit. I appreciate your very kind words and thoughfulness-awesome! ((((Karen))))
    Ambersun-Thanks for the visit and stopping by to leave me a note. I know you have been to the fest today! I am sure you enjoyed!

  11. my friend, I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I think you're doing well, despite how hard it is. I'm sorry I'm not able to keep up with your blog here...I think you know I have been doing my own writing elsewhere. I miss you.

  12. JBR, I'm sorry you're in such pain, but it sounds like you're right where you're supposed to be. Wish I could offer more comfort than a quick comment here. We have a lot in common, my friend (alcoholic parents, etc.) and that saddens me. I miss our daily reparte (don't know how to do accent marks!) Be safe sweetie!
    lis et. al.

  13. Hi,

    The time will come when the pain will lessen and you not be so fragile and hurt, as long as you continue with your healing process. Sadly it is not something that happens over night, you will get there though stick with it. As hard as it may sound do not beat yourself up for other people's mistakes. God has a plan for us all, but we each have to find that out on our own. Hugs, I hope you have a better day!

  14. Tabby, so much appreciate what you said and your encouragement. Yes, I will get there, thank you!
    Awww, my Lisa, miss our correspondence too. I know you have your hands full with your problems, but do think of you, thank you!

  15. Just Be Real,

    I can so relate to what you wrote--because my story is so similar to yours. Although I never represssed any of my memories (I was not that lucky), I also denied that something bad happened to me. Of course, I had been taught to lie about what happened and denail ran rampant in my entire family.

    Staying on a road to recover from abuse is very difficult--but worth it. What really changed everything for me was confronting my father--that was the most freeing thing I have ever done--and the most empowering.

    I wish you peace, happiness, and the change you seek.

    Take care, my friend--


  16. Great post! I have an award for you on my website. I somehow missed that JIP gave it to you as well but hey, a good website should get attention. ;-)

  17. April-I am truly honored and humbled to receive this award for this blog, thank you.
    Melinda-Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy scheduled to comment. I am hearing more and more about the "freedom" aspect of the confrontation of facing our fears! One day I will be there. Thank you for your encouragement!

  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

  19. we know how much pain change can cause but how great teh triumphs once you perservere. Thankyou for a well times blog today we appreciate it

  20. jbr....awwww (((((((safe hugs to you))))))) the journey we take is a hard one, but one we must follow all the way through and on to the road of recovery in mind, spirit, body and soul. i'm not there yet, and i so feel your pain, honey. take my hand, we will walk it together.

  21. "I would want the process of change to speed up so that ‘my mind can finally fuse with my heart in order that I could actually feel once again!’"~~I was just praying for this last night for myself...~T~

  22. change is now getting old! This body is falling apart! But - I am HIS!

  23. Hmm, where did my comment go?

    I tried to tell you that your outlook on both God and recovery is great. You sound very positive and healthy. Keep it up although it's not easy ~ Allison

  24. AllisonRhodes-Thank you for your visit and uplifting comment!
    Indian Lake Papa-Long time no see! Yes you are His! Blessings.
    TracyBaby-There is a reason for everything, thank you for the visit!
    Rainbow-You are such an encouragement, even during your struggles! Appreciate you!
    Jumping-Glad to see you again. It is in His timing for everything, including blog writing.

  25. Yes! Yes! Yes! I have asked for the 'advanced' healing class at least once a week!!!
    I hope you're doing okay...I've been thinking of you and your journey.
    In Light~ Grace

  26. Hey Grace, so glad to hear from you. You have been quiet a bit.

  27. I'm so glad you let us use this post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. It's an important reminder that, while there is a lot of suffering for us as survivors, the "feeling the feelings" is so important to our healing. Thanks!

  28. Thank you for sharing about your pain. I join the others in hoping you find more peace as each moment passes. I remember working so hard as though somehow I could speed up the process... get "better"...then nearly 20 years ago, after 20 years of treatment and therapy, a therapist cornered me with the simple fact that no matter how hard I "worked" at it, I'd never "get better." I was furious of course...but she was right in what she wanted me to see... I AM better. The abuse is long ago over, and everyday since then brings me more peace and healing. Life is precious. Enjoy what you can.

  29. Marj-I made a promise to you last month that I would participate next time, so here I am. Thank you for the opportunity!

    Child Person-Appreciate your honesty in sharing! Thank you and thank you for the visit!!

  30. JBR,

    I get this. Through every stage of my recovery, I have been very impatient with my progress.

    It takes a long time for new concepts to travel the distance from our head to our hearts.

    In due time, may the seeds of change grow in your heart and blossom into full, beautiful bloom!


  31. Thank you Nancy. I hear you loud and clear! Blessings!

  32. Beautiful Post JBR, thank you for the direction in finding such a tender part of your story.

  33. This world is filled up with fake people, fake emotions and fake promises... I'm glad to find that some one is trying to be real here, after all the fights, all the miseries.... I admire your courage... Keep up the good works...

  34. When you are impatient with where you are today just look backwards at where you were. We have all come so far since the beginning of our journey to recovery. Pat yourself on the back for what you have accomplished and keep taking that next step forward. Small steps are perfectly ok. Pauses for rest and rejuvenation are great too.

    Once when I asked a friend why God did nothing to stop the incest in my childhood, that friend explained her view of God giving us free will. To her, and I can now accept this, God giving us free will means He allows us to do whatever we choose. For us to truly have free will, God can't step in every time that one of us does something that He doesn't like. If He stepped in and stopped us, it wouldn't be free will. I believe that God cries when a child is hurt or a good person dies. I am sure there are times when He wishes that He hadn't given us free will.

    I don't want this to become a religious comment for others who may agree or disagree. That isn't what my comment is about. It is just one person's opinion and offers me comfort when I still sometimes ask why did God do nothing to stop the abuse. Why did He allow it to happen? I hope it comforts you as it does me.

  35. Wow...it wasn't accidental that I bumped into this blog. I have such a common-like background with your story. Oooo, how the find irresistible and devoted God will carry you and sustain you in all your dealings through life. One day (my girl) heaven will embrace you with open arms and you will be entirely free!!! Keep your eyes on the prize. You will finish this race. He is running with you and cheering you on—Jesus Christ.

    I have a friend that I also want you to meet.

    Our blog addresses are:

  36. Nancy, appreciate your comment, thank you. I do not do emails, and I noticed you do not do comments. Glad you were blessed with my blog. Means a whole lot to me thank you.

  37. yes, JBR, i am real! and i do believe it's not by accident that i read your comment in tammy's blog. we have experiences in common. yes, sometimes we do want things to happen fast. it becomes even more difficult.

    and like you, i choose to heal...and it sure is on its way...like you, i'm also a work in progress. it took me so many years...do visit my blog and walk with me "on the healing path"...this blog is just so real!

    blessings of peace!