“Recovery from childhood trauma involves owning the experiences we have disowned. It includes owning parts of ourselves that we continue to want to push away. This is a painful process because it means that we will need to embrace painful realities. Everything in us (and often around us) tells us that this is not the right path to take. But it is always truth, no matter how painful, that frees us. Embracing our life experiences and their ongoing impact on us is the path to freedom and wholeness.” (Juanita Ryan)
This is not an easy thing to face for any of us no matter what the trauma may have been as a child. To face the pain head on as an adult now is down right scary. The passage later goes on to say that there are certain parts that we need to be aware of which are the self critical/ judgmental (where we reject and criticize ourselves) part and even the compassion (where we learn to love ourselves) part, although is very hard to accept. (I am not there) Eventually having the understanding of the compassionate part is very vital to the healing process. But the most painful part is the “wounded part” which carries most of our pain of shame, fear and despair.
Our recovery cannot be done alone. Besides good, preferably Christian counseling, God needs to be involved! Many of us have difficulty trusting God to help us. I understand that! God understands that! We may be angry at Him for letting what happened to us happen. We may look at God as our earthly father, the one who beat, raped, ignored, criticized, verbally/emotionally abused us etc. We may see God as Not a loving father. We may even believe that God is angry with us or disappointed. But, that is the furthest from the truth.
Okay after saying all this, I struggle, just like the next person. I have many doubts, many questions, many frustrations to why the “bad” happened in my childhood from being sexually abused, neglected, feeling abandoned, parents splitting, moving away from home, etc. and the after-effects of a life that was more or less snuffed out due to the damage of my past.
Besides having good people now in my life that only want the best for me in my recovery, God does comes first. There are days you would call me on that statement, and I too would question myself also. Especially when I throw my fists up in the air full of rage and look heavenward spewing curse words and scream uncontrollably “why!!!” There are days where I do not want any part of Him, and then there are days I cannot be without Him! But, I know I cannot become complete if I do not trust Him! So, through good counseling, support of others that do understand my struggles and the reassurance that there is a God that does love me (even if I do not feel or understand in full what love is) unconditionally.
I used to be really scared to get angry at God. In fact, I thought I could not get angry with God because He would not like that and I would be condemned! I am so glad now, that I am more transparent with God and that is what He desires from all of us. (Give it a try) He knows what you are thinking and gonna say before you even do it anyway, so why try and fake God out. You cannot!! So even in my rage, I am very transparent with Him and I do not feel half as bad as I used to when I would go-off on God!! I mean, He made me, so He knows what He’s getting. One thing I have noticed about myself after having one of my many “open and honest” discussions with God, is that I do not feel as much guilt about how I approached Him at times in anger. I am not gonna candy-coat my pain for God! Believe me, He can handle it!