"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, April 26, 2009


What four days!

I feel comfortable now to share that my visitors were my older brother (who sexually abused me as a child) and my sister-in-law. Right after they left today to go back home, I just collapsed in my room and laid on the floor for about ½ hour trying to rebuild what was torn down. Have a lot of questions and sorting out to do!! Calling upon my Lord all the while!

There will be a whole lot of processing going on for a while for me after their visit. Right now I can look at how I behaved and reacted to many certain “verbal and visual abuses” that were directed towards me, as subtle as they may be. I found myself at times feeling as a little child, withdrawn when I could not handle the so called “innocent” jabs or stand up to what was said to me (a mother who continues to be “presently” a controlling factor in my life.) My emotions and feelings are very raw now, so pain in the gut is more intense. In a way I do recognize this to be a good thing. Anger issues still remain with me. Realization more of neglect by my parents while growing up became more apparent to me still. So, in the days to follow I will continue to process and write more on just what I went through, as best as I can.

***I still have not come to a place (but working on it) where I can actually apply and "feel" what happened to me as a child was WRONG. That is why, even though, it was a rough past four days, I was still able to tolerate my family. The day I know I am well along in recovery is when I will question with confidence, " what was done to me was totally wrong." Right now the proof of my past "to me" is in my actions and beief system, not my feelings as of yet. They have just not connected!!!***

I would like to share something from the Recovery Bible. Below is about the closest thing I can find thus far that I am feeling at the moment. I feel once again the stirring deep within me definitely senses something much more accurate out there I need to latch on to. Right now, God is not revealing it to me at the moment:

“The power of our dependency is often rooted in low self-esteem. These verses reveal an exciting fact: Each of us is an amazing creature-“wonderfully complex!” More than that, God is constantly thinking about us! We are so precious to Him that He has recorded every day of our life in a book. We may have been taught, in one way or another, that we were no good. We began to believe this message, and now we have fallen into various destructive methods to deal with the pain. When we see our self as God sees us, much of the pain that drives our dependency will fall away.”

The above is referring to Psalm 139:13-18. Right now, a lot of this is all just words to me. But, I believe each day as I meditate and the scars begin to heal I will one day feel how much God does love and care about me.


  1. How stressful it must have been for you to have this visit. Many would have completely cut off contact. I can't imagine the amount of emotional turmoil this must have put you through. My thoughts and prayers are with you. (((JBR)))

  2. God's love can bring healing in all things. May His blessings be on you!

  3. Oh, Let's Be real, I am so sorry you are having to go through this, which must "be just really" painful. May you not have to stay in this place (in your head) for long.

    Also I hope unloading your thoughts on here is helpful for you, because it just makes me realize how fragile my life was at one early period, and the fragility of ALL children.

    God bless you, and your future. Please keep coming back here, stay with us. I/we love you, jbr

  4. My prayers continue to go out to you. God can and will heal you. It will take time, but if you continue to seek Him, He will respond.

    Prayer Girl

  5. Wow I can only imagine how uncomfortable that must of been. I do not know if your brother has acknowledged his great wrong or if you ever confronted him, but you are a stronger person than me as I would never allow him in my house. Hugs and prayers to you.

  6. His lack of acknowledgement does not make your pain less real, nor does it make what he did less wrong.
    The strength that you show is incredible. The day is coming when all of this will pay off and you will find a measure of peace in the truth of what you have been through.
    Lots of love.

  7. I can just imagine the stress of having him there. I hope each day will find you in a better place until you are where you need to be.

  8. Glad you now can concentrate on yourself again. It maust ahve been such hard 4 days. Not sure I would have managed. My step father abused me as a child and my mother knew it. For such a long time I had a crying child inside me and believed strobgly I am crazy. it took so many years before I wnet into therapy and learnt I am not crazy but their is a child needing attention and appreciation. Whilst I have overcome many things but certain fear still come up in very streneous situations, draw backs and simular. I am grateful what I have achieved and I have come along way just to realise that this way is so much longer. I am thinking of you, send you all my strength and check on you. Lots of love, Paula xx

  9. Glad to hear that His grace has comforted and healed you in every way. Your testimony is great and I am very inspired, convicted and convinced of it.

    Grace to you and peace from God.

  10. Your strength is inspiring to me.

  11. oh but REALISING it is wrong, even though you may not feel and believe it YET, is a major step. you will get there.

  12. stuck-in-the-middleApril 27, 2009

    I'm glad yuou were able to get through the weekend.

  13. we too can not connect the sexual and physical abuse to "feelings"...it is as if it happened to other people...not "us". the strength you have, the faith, will get you there. safe hugs to you!

  14. I've been reading your blog and I'm touched by your pain and true writings. I'm hoping that you find true happiness in your journey.

    Janet Whitewater

  15. Yeah I was abused by my brother as well - he apologised and cried. That made it a little better but I am still filled with conflicting feelings whenever I spend time with him.

    You have such amazing insight into both where you are and where you need to go next and such strength to take this journey.

    I continue to pray for you several times a day and am glad that you are feeling the presence of God.

    Love and prayers


  16. I know your pain as best as another person can. Opening your home...your safe zone...to someone who has abused you is a really tough thing to go through - all those toxic feelings...emotions flood back.

    But..YOU MADE IT THROUGH IT!!! Bravo!

  17. I can't imagine going through a visit like that. You are clearly very strong. BTW, I love the Recovery Bible ~ Allison

  18. I also can't imagine how stressful this visit must have been for you.

    During my recovery, I have said daily affirmations--much like the one you shared form the recovery bible. They have helped me to 'fake it until I make it' and it really does work. If you say those words to yourself, over time, they become meaningful--and pretty soon, they aren't just words, but self-beliefs.

    Here's a (((((hug))))) for you my friend--


  19. My sympathies. It is still difficult for me when I deal with my brothers (who were abusive). I fall into old protective patterns rather than ever confronting either of them. And I keep a distance as much as I can. I know what they did was wrong. I know that NOW I can be safe and happy. I still really don't want to ever confront either of them face to face.

  20. You show a lot of courage. I recently had my parents visit me and that was the source of a lot of stirred up pain.

  21. You are very courageous and very kind and very supportive of me and others. You are in my prayers today and everyday.

  22. I know what you mean about your feelings not being caught up with the actions and beliefs. It takes time and practice, I guess. I know I'm still working on it.

    Safe hugs ((((((((((((((JBR))))))))))) Take gentle care after all you just went through.

  23. Thank you for sharing JBR, you are a force for good and clearly stronger that all that happened to you. Never minimize your pain, I know that God does not.