"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Been on edge most of the day. More than normal, I suppose. I can usually contribute it to having to go to group. Many a time I fight with myself in getting myself there now. I know the majority of the battle is the enemy. (My Bible gets a lot a use on Thursdays in anticipation of the spiritual warfare!) The devil knows I am making progress so he throws all these obstacles of ‘negative thoughts’ into my head as to why I should not go and what can I possibly benefit from going and I should not open up anymore, yada yada. Recently afterwards I feel very low in spirit. Depressed more than normal. Almost complacent.

Is this normal to feel this way?

Could it be somehow I am connecting with things I am hearing or learning, even though sometimes it is really difficult for me to keep focus in group?

We remain on the topic of anger in group.

I still have major issues with anger, and this week has not been any different with me going berserk at the slightest thing that could set me off. Right now I am creating a very nice pattern on one of my walls with scuff and dent marks by throwing objects during my outbursts. I guess I can be proud and say that I have made some progress. I have caught myself a few times this week being able to difuse some of the anger before I totally lost it. It ain't easy!!!! I can feel myself ready to explode and to try and difuse that is all totally new to me. I run to my what I call now, "My Screaming Pillow."

I think I am just worn out.....


  1. When I was young I stuffed a lot of emotion - especially anger. I would scream into my pillow so no one would hear. I also self-abused. No good - none of it.

    That anger needs to be let out - and hopefully in a way that does not hurt self or others. It helps to talk to someone else, to vent the anger. It helps to write about it, anything to get it out of your insides.

    When I first started allowing my anger out (after about 40 years of stuffing) I thought it would never be all out and the amount and intensity of it scared me. But trust me - if you keep on keeping on, it will get better.

    Much love and prayers,
    Prayer Girl

  2. AnonymousJune 11, 2009

    Hang in there JBR. I had many dents in doors and walls on my way to healing. A lot of screaming into pillows and underwater in pools, too. Sometimes all of our pain can only come out in a scream. Thanks for sharing. ((Hugs to you))



  3. I hear you, and I wish I had something more to offer you. But I'm here, reading and listening, and nodding my head...if that helps at all.
    ~ Gracie

  4. AnonymousJune 11, 2009

    The Bible says "To him that overcomes there is a crown". No where does it say the crowns are only given to those so strong they never face great trials! Let your strength come from a new source..."we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus"

  5. When I first started dealing with my anger, I had a water bed at the time and I would punch my water bed over and over when I got mad. It really helped!! Blessings.

  6. I’m just going to pick out the positive here and that is you are making some great strides with your anger issues. Hopefully in time you will be able to have the proper anger responses.

  7. Scream into your pillow, and run into the arms of Jesus, but never give up sweetie.

  8. Well, I'm going through problems with my group, and I left it. Got to deal with myself first. So, you're not alone, if this knowledge helps...

  9. Hang in there. Anger can be a scary thing, but it is a necessary emotion. Otherwise we would have been given it would we? (wink) Seriously though, take care of yourself! I am thinking of you.

  10. stuck-in-the-middleJune 12, 2009

    You keep on keeping on JBR!!!

  11. Hey everyone thank you so much for your support.

    I am really dragging this morning.....

    Colleen, I too at one time had a water bed, and even on occassion way back when would punch it. Hurt sometimes physically as well. Hitting water felt like a brick! Ouch!

    Denise and girlinglasshouse, thank you for the uplifting comment and scripture! Blessings to you both!

    Grace your presence and acknowledgement is certainly welcomed, thank you dear one.

    Strawberry, thank you for the positive comment! Blessings!

    FF thank you, as always for your support and encouragement. Underwater yelling, great concept. Need to try it! Was in a pool the past few days, will try over the weekend! Hugs back to you!

    PG-thanks for sharing. Oh yeah, the anger has no problem coming out. I too at times fear the amount and the intensity and even while I am 'going off' I find myself thinking, "can this get any worse?" Blessings!

    Jane, I am sorry at this time you do not feel comfortable in the group you attend. Pray that God will direct you accordingly. Blessings.

    Gin, appreciate your thoughtfulness, thank you! (((Gin)))

    Thank you Stuck!

  12. AnonymousJune 12, 2009

    So sorry you are having trouble with this. Maybe there is someone there or a topic that is triggering you and making you uncomfortable. I hope you are able to work thru it.

  13. Hmm, got much better however I still have sometimes trouble not to swallow my anger. I have no water bed nor screaming pillow - I make bread. Working my anger into the dough. The angrier I was the tastier the bread. The dough turned into my punching ball.
    Over the lst two weeks I didnt attend group, constantly telling me what for should I go, I have improved etc etc. I might have felt low AFTER group, however without group I feel even LOWER. Attending again.
    We are doing our best. On some days we can do more than on others, however we dont give up, That is what counts. Keep you in my thoughts xx

  14. It is hard and the struggle seems to rear its ugly head when least expected.
    Thank you for continuing to share your heart.

  15. Andrea, appreciate you sharing yourself. Blessings.

    Paula, I love how tasty you anger can be. Appreciate you sharing your encouragement, thanks bunches! Blessings.

    Ivory, the uncomfortablness is a good sign. Shows that there is progress. Thanks for caring!!

  16. Alot of the time when one approaches something they don't want to face alot of resistance follows. Not saying this is your case, but it can be one possibility. You seem to continue to go to group despite your feelings, so you do see the "need" to face your problems head on. I commend you!

  17. People generally do not like change, so maybe going to group has your inner consious trying to make excuses for you not to go because once you face up to your problems hopefully you will be changing for the better. Did you ever think of taking up some type of cardio class like kick boxing or something that you could totally expend all your pent up anger? It may just save your walls :)

  18. Stop by arise 2 write. I have something there for you....YOU, Dear friend..deserve it. andrea

  19. Rejoice daily in the promises and security that every believer can take as his own. Our God is trustworthy and ever does His passion for His people shine through His word; so take heed the wondrous pledges of His love for you, His child!

  20. Just Be Real so sorry you are battling. I'm in agreement with you that Satan's Army of Angels in the spritual warfare are alive and well and doing there dirty deeds. I rebuke any attack on you in Jesus' name amen.

  21. A Screaming Pillow. Everyone needs one!

  22. Hey San, thanks for the visit. Maybe I should patten the Screaming Pillow concept? ;)

    Dee Dee-Thanks so much for coming in agreement and your prayer against the enemies attack. Blessings.

    Tola-appreciate your visit and uplifting comment. Thanks dear.

    Andrea, appreciate you considering JBR for your award, thank you!

  23. Ooops, there I go again forgetting to mention Tabby your constant support!

    Janet-appreciate your insight. Yeah, even though it is very difficult for me at times now, I made a promise not only to myself and others, but to God that I would finish this journey, how ever long it takes. Thank you.

  24. Hi JBR, I really respect and admire the way in which you continue to pursue healing and recovery. It can be a difficult and seemingly unrewarding experience, but over time it sinks in and does help.

    I can relate to your anger issues. I remember flying off the handle at the slightest provocation, even a simple daily annoyance that I would have previously laughed at. Smashing phones into their cradles, bouncing things off walls, punching my pillow, yep, that sounds familiar.

    That you are able to catch yourself is a positive step, and from my experience, as my nervous system slowly recovered, I was able to do this more and more. I think hope is one of the best things to defuse the bottled anger, hope in Christ, that He is in control, is using all things for good in our lives, and will not let us go.

    What also helped was learning that venting unchecked anger releases more negative adrenalin, and I was determined to break that horrific cycle.

    God bless you heaps :)