"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Having trouble posting. I have to feel it in my Spirit. Many of my posts have been started; posted; only to be retrieved soon thereafter never to be seen again. As I was just not feeling it.

Suppose my latest with my mum and her irrational fears and constant worries and my up and down with depression are getting the best of me right now. It is really a battle to fight off her fears she so desperately wants me to take on along with her. Trying to take me down with her! Not that I am not concerned, because she is old, and I really do have to weigh her complaints to see if their valid.

Still, at the same time, for my own sanity sake, I have to tune out her quivering voice, her pleas for me to be available no matter what is she is going to die or has to be rushed to the hospital. Not to sound mean, but I told her if it is really bad (depending what she is complaining about) call 911 first before me. She, as I am, goes from A-Z with fear and panic. Putting me on edge.

Keep in mind. My mum lives alone, still drives, still works, still goes shopping. For someone in her eighties, she does a lot. Many times more than me. So she does get around, much more than someone else her age. She is just so full of irrational fears. Destroys her.

At these times, I become frustrated and angry that I Am The Only One available. My brother is too far away. He misses out on all of this. Not that he would help any. But, there would be more of a support just having him here. I guess I am angry as most my life I did not "have a life." And now I am beginning to get one, and feel now I am being hampered once again.

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes to go through trials like these. As I am trying to go through my own stuff. But, I guess this is part of my own stuff. Nevertheless, I am sure the Lord will and has given me ample strength to go through these trials with my mum.

If she was a strong woman of faith, she would be able to depend and trust on the Lord for her comfort and not to me fully. She refuses to be involved with any prayer group, chain, etc. She has no close believers as friends.

All and all, "Where Does My Help Come From during times like these?" My Heavenly Father.

I cannot afford to let myself go down the path of irrational fears, living on the edge of catastrophe, having what little life I am gaining back destroyed!


  1. It can be exhausting to feel like a parent
    toward a parent.

  2. JBR: I suspect she has been like this all her life, and it is not just a sudden fearfulness?? With my Mom one sign of advanced age, and ravage of multiple TIA's (mini strokes) is that she is fearful of odd things like water on her face, or people writing things on PAPER. I certainly understand the feeling that you have no life of your own. You are a good daughter, but even if you were physically there with your Mom she would be having these fears anyway. Take care JBR. ((JBR))


  4. JBR I'm sorry for what you're being put through. You seem from what I've read to be a strong willed individual. You're fighting tooth and nail for your own freedom apart from your controlling mother. You're doing the correct thing and have the right approach in making sure her cries for help are sincere. I can imagine the many false alarms you've lived with over the years. God Bless.

  5. I feel for you JBR, it's sometimes difficult to discern between true need and emotional manipulation among family members. I realize that your mom is unaware that she does this since she has been like this her whole life. You are right about her needing Christ because no human can fill the void that can only be filled by Him though we certainly do try to fill it with other things. I will pray for patience and discernment for you and I will also pray for your mom. God bless you, my friend!

  6. JBR, I think you handled this just fine. I believe you are a very wise person and this wonderful wisdom is coming from God Himself. Looking after the elderly is straining and harder than looking after a child.
    Find some good and reasonable boundaries and keep to them allowing your mum to know what they are and keep her to them as well. She needs you to be strong for her and this strength doesn't come by caving in to her every whim. Like a child, you need to set the boundaries and reprimand when they are crossed. This is easily done by exactly how you handled this situation.

    Praying for you always!

  7. Oh, I forgot to add, :s I have an aunt that is very controlling and panicky to the point of not wanting to leave her house or when we visit she cleans everything before, during and after you touch it. :P My husband and I have set boundaries and we stand firm on them....like we don't call before we come, we just drop by and only stay for 1 hr at the max! We help her by showing her we are sterilizing our hands with wipes and try not to touch anything. But before all of this we pray before we go in and then cover her and her house in the Blood of Jesus and rebuke any evil there. This helps big time but you really need to figure out the boundaries before hand and then just stick to them.


  8. You are a good person JBR. I wonder if you do nice things for yourself sometimes.You deserve it.

  9. You are right to realize that your help comes from God in this situation as in all situations. I'm an only child so I know a little bit about your feeling that you are alone in caring for your mom. It's a heavy burden. You are a special person to care for your mom when she's been so difficult with you. I pray for special blessings for you and that your mom will come to know the Lord.