In t. today, my eyes were opened to yet another way besides shutting down and going off into my la la land, of how I responded around the age of eleven to the affects of my parents fighting, then divorcing with latching on to what I would call an extremely fear-based "survival technique" that has been such a heavy stronghold to me ever since. Consisting not only of the fear it brought, but affecting me with unwarranted physical bodily functions. Controlling the daily things I would do.
What I knew as a small child then, was my safe surroundings of some normality started to shatter. Emotional pain started setting in. Fear took over. I did not know what to do. I did not know what to do with my feelings. I had no one to go to. I lost what little control I had of my childhood world and went into this survival mode where the fear created a physical reaction that satan has used on me as one of his biggest weapons to this day. So big that fear would grip my heart so much that I would become petrified, thinking I may lose control of my bladder, break out in a sweat, become ill, if I did not have an escape plan or was in some kind of control. Even preventing me from doing many things that I desired in life. Because this fear would bring on sooooooo much shame if things went wrong.
I'm so sorry that you suffered so much trauma as a child, JBR. My heart goes out to you and I pray for you each and every day. Before reading your blog I'm not sure I really understood just how much our past affects us and I've learned a lot from the connections you have made between your difficulties in life today and the troubled childhood you had. Your posts have been filled with insights. May Jesus continue to heal your grief, fear, and pain, my friend.
ReplyDeleteNeeding to always be in control is very understandable when you have a traumatic past. I really relate also to limiting my life in order to stay super super safe. I do that also. take care
ReplyDeleteJBR the magnitude of what you went through in your home life brought on your survival modes. However form them took. You're a blessing to many to be able to stand here today and talk about it. For this I thank you and am grateful. God Bless.
ReplyDelete(((JBR)))...Be strong...in His power. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI think some time, life is too much to handle, but when you write down like this, you've found a little light.
ReplyDeleteRecognizing our response and looking at out weakness helps us grow stronger and overcome hidden anxieties.
ReplyDeleteKeep learning and trust in our Lord, he'll not fail you.
YOU'VE SAID SO MUCH IN THIS POST YOU'LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'VE AFFECTED ME. FOR A GOOD REASON JBR THAT IS.
ReplyDeleteI ncan relate in what you say. My fears are highly motiviated by what i think and feel about myself. Causes destress in my phys. body. Breakouts of egzama. etc.
ReplyDeletemy my...Just be real. We have lived parallel lives my friend.
ReplyDeletePerceptions are interesting things. Mine are often very different from the people around me. I know that often, I "perceive" things one way...and my husband and others another way. Often, it will take a while, but my perceptions are usually quite accurate.
I think for me, coming from the background that I do....I "see" things in others and their behaviours that are perhaps not so obvious to other people. I am sometimes wrong...but usually, I trust myself. Especially when it comes to people...places and events. Besides...emotional safety is so important to me, that I dont even care if I am wrong. Besides...how can one really be wrong about a "feeling". Feelings just are. Hoping you can get past the strongholds of your life.
I am truly enjoying your postings.
You poor thing JBR. Words of your post brought tears to my eyes. Encouraging me. Yes encouraging me. Because you are a fighter. If I ever saw one. That's what I want for myself. Thankyou. Thankyou.
ReplyDeleteI know that pain due to fear. You explained it well. Praise Jesus that he defeated that devil. Your testimony is strong.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))!
ReplyDeletePraying God's blessings upon you, precious one!
Thank you again for "being real". May God's grace continue to minister to all of us as we drop our masks and be real!
ReplyDeleteJust sending you peace and lots of love today. You are making so much progress. I am proud of you.
ReplyDeleteYour insight into your own past is making you stronger JBR. Besides... you already know who wins!! Keep at it, that old devil is going to have to yell ' I surrender'. He doesn't stand a chance!
ReplyDeletexo
Words of wisdom to the ears who want to listen. I enjoyed reading about your accomplishments. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDelete