BROKENNESS INTO GRACE

"Do not expect to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace," -Jesus Calling.

People have hurt me.

My father hurt me. My mum hurt me. My brother hurt me. So called friends have hurt me. Pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. Whether emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually.

Or all of the above. Sadly.

I happened to find some old pictures of myself when I was thirteen just after my parents divorce and moving to New York from Florida and how unhappy I was. My eyes were dead. A distant stare. No smile. No life in my whole being. I was a walking dead teenager. I was this way most my life. Very surreal.

As I emotionally heal on my journey to freedom and come alive with my feelings that were buried so deep within so long ago. From my painful past. I can begin to understand from the perspective of knowing how much brokenness is in the world. How much I too was broken!

How we "all" have that ability to hurt one another. Mainly acting out of fear and hurt. Producing many adverse effects. Including anger, shame, guilt, criticism and judgement.

I was a product of my father's background. His parents divorced. His father was not there for him. In fact I do not ever recall my father talking about his own father. His parents drank as well. Partied. My grandmother was know to be an exotic dancer at one time.

The way my father handled his pain from the few things I have been told by other family members were destructive. Once setting his mother's curtains on fire in their living room when he was youngster. Later on when my father was in his early twenties, he lost his father to suicide. I do not believe he even went to his funeral.

That being said, and not seeking help in those days, his future looked bleak for a repeat performance. Bringing in all his hurt and transferring it upon his children and wives. (Three marriages total) From his first marriage where his first two sons wrote him off later in life because he was not there for them to his second marriage where he neglected me. I was the last of his children.

My father transferred a lot of his emotional pain from his own childhood upon me. By saying hurtful things and criticizing me. Shaming me. It is only through God's grace and counseling that I realize now that he responded out of his own brokenness.

Though painful still at times with my past, I continue to heal more and more, and come closer to the understanding of what "forgiveness" is all about, (It is the key to freedom) the more I can grow in grace.