I remember the first time I walked in and sat down in my t. office three years ago. It was the most I have ever talked in one sitting.
Yeah, I never talked so much in my life, I thought to myself later. Even regretting sharing what I did. I had so much shame. Realizing, I just opened up briefly to someone painful things I had NEVER shared with anyone else. Someone I did not know. Someone at the time I did not know if I could trust. Someone who showed concern and interest in my struggles. These all frighten me terribly!
Unfortunately the following sessions did not follow so easy for me to share. The "real me" at the time came out. Very very frighten. Difficulty uttering the simplest words. It seemed I did a complete 180 from the first session. You needed a crowbar to pry open my mouth and even look at you then. The easy part was over in the first session. Laying the ground work. Now, the sessions to follow were to be the hardest. Going through the ground work. I felt that I was a empty walking shell which held no feelings or emotions. Disconnected. Just words. Few at times. But, they were words at least.
As time progressed, and more and more wires of emotions were being reconnected to my soul, the key to my recovery was learning that I have a voice. That I have choices. What I had to say was important! That what happened to me was Not My Fault!
Sure easier said than done. I had to and still do, replace the old garbage beliefs with new positive beliefs. Believing what the Word of God says about me. That I am worthy. Though still much of a struggle, that I can confess I am worthy, let alone, that I am loved by Him and others, I am much better in believing this truth than I was a few years back.
Fear has been the biggest obstacle for me. Living a constant fear based life of feeling unloved, abandoned, unworthy, rejected, condemned etc. has not been easy to shed.
From the get-go of t. I was determined to reach my goal of being set free. I still am. Even with more determination than ever before. I am beginning to live a life of responsibility for myself now. Yes, still very scary. Still stumbling. Still at times not wanting to face painful issues. But, all in all, I see more and more the pay off of freedom in going through the ground work.
JBR I'm proud of your accomplishments. I've seen a change around in your thinking patterns by what you write. You're looking more to what you've accomplished then what you have not. That is a positive. You're doing just fine. You title to your blog has proven over the years Just how Real you really are. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteWow amazing progression, it's truly inspiring. I think there will be always be a time where you have to remind yourself of the positive, but arriving at the ability to even think about the positive and not just the negative is true accomplishment to me. Some people never make it to knowing and learning to replace the negatives with the positives, so great accomplishment, in my eyes that is.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story here JBR, you are a blessing to many, me included. How you work through things and the goal you have help release deep seeded feelings in people. You are very gifted here.
ReplyDeleteYou are also very loved. I love you. Funny, hey? We have never met and probably never will meet until we see each other in the presence of our Daddy, but I love you. You are worthy. Worthy of love, friendship, and to be respected for the opinion you have. You are special for you are unique!
Blessings hon, praying often.
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Hi JBR...you inspire me. To GOD be the glory for all He is doing in you!
ReplyDeleteBlessings...Chelle
HI JBR - it is such an amazing journey - with many cross roads and paths to follow, uncover and forge. You have come far and worked hard to do so - be careful of spinning your wheels - it can happen - the stall! Keep moving.
ReplyDeleteLove to you
Gail
peace......
You always find the perfect pic that would go well with what you wrote. It makes us understand the whole thing better. Determination....You have a lot of it...and I know in God's perfect time, you will accomplish His complete healing...We serve a God Who is not of confusion so no matter how complicated those wires in front of us may seem, I know He will intervene always for you and I. God bless JBR. Have a great weekend.
ReplyDeleteYOU SEE THE PAYOFF IN THE END! THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS JBR. THROUGH THE PAIN YOU GAIN.
ReplyDeleteYou are a precious blessing. This is Denise, from shortybearsplace.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, JBR. This post is so honest and so inspiring! The Lord has done amazing things in your life and you have courageously "put your hands to the plow" and worked with him. Thank you for sharing this with us, my friend. May the Lord use your blog to encourage others who are going through similar trials.
ReplyDeletegood for you! i'm proud of you!
ReplyDeleteand i couldn't agree more with the anonymous comment.
blessings!
(((hugs)))
I remember my first session with V. It was very much the same as yours sounds like. I was very open and honest, I even cried! Then after it was like, "oh crap you mean I have to do this every time?!"
ReplyDeleteIt is hard work, but you and I both know it is something that is changing us for the better.
Keep pushing, friend!
Perseverence is key in therapy, and you've really nailed that. Well done, I'm so proud of you! Small steps, moving forward always. Lots of love and hugs xx
ReplyDeleteFear has been the biggest obstacle for me. Living a constant fear based life of feeling unloved, abandoned, unworthy, rejected, condemned etc. has not been easy to shed. ....These could be my own words....It is painful to face the issues (reason being I became addicted to everything that would help me avoid it). I've been dealing with some 'yuck' lately and trying to come to terms with it, deal with it, let it go and let God have His way with me....Love ya...I just love how the Lord has lead our paths together during this time we are both being transformed, pruned, restored, renewed and poured out for His glory and His honor. Our present sufferings that we are going through are not even worthy to be compared to the glory that is being revealed in us, through us and around us in Christ Jesus....I wrote that scripture today in my journal when I was 'talkin' to our Lord about the 'yuck'...
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