HEALING DAMAGED EMOTIONS

As my pastor says many a time, "We are broken people living in a broken world."

We are people that have many hurts and struggles. Our emotions are damaged. Left not cared for, usually results in living a life of covering up and building up walls of protection and wearing masks.

Some of my damaged emotions resulted from feeling rejected. Resulting in feeling unworthy and shameful. Especially by my father. Who would have been 98 today. He was already in his late 40's when I arrived on the scene.

Growing up in a family of alcoholic parents had its drawbacks. My dad especially would drink daily. Weekends they would either host parties at our house or go to a nearby neighbor. I vaguely remember some of the parties as a toddler. They would wake me up, to pass me around and show me off. That was the norm back in the early 60's. I remember my mother saying to me once when I was older, that my father was a good entertainer and bartender when he was "feeling no pain". People liked him.

My mother was the breadwinner in the family. Which eventually led to their divorce. She could not put up with my father's laziness. Whether that is the whole story that would cause a marriage to fail, I do not know. Whatever the cause, I do remember mostly my dad reading a lot of paperback mystery books and porn. Always with a drink nearby. Then falling asleep hours on end on the couch. My mum coming home from work seeing him day after day like this. There was not much interaction between he and I.

Tired of feeling shame, guilt, and condemnation, I finally decided a few years ago to seek help and face my issues. My life was so miserable. Depression, sadness and unhappiness ruled me. Making me make some costly wrong choices. Acting out of my emotional pain.

Discovering now since in t. and slowly believing the trauma I went through as a child, "was not my fault." Even though I was also sexually abused at a young age numerous times by my older brother, that was not the turning point that shut me down emotionally. It did not help any. But that was not the turning point.

The turning point began around the same time my brother was abusing me. But the deterioration of my family unit was the focal point now. This probably over road the sexual abuse trauma. Hearing almost daily with my little ears and seeing the anger on their faces, the constant fighting, bickering and hurtful exchange of words from my parents to one another took presidence. As the pain now involved mummie and daddy. Which led up to my father having to move out of our house. A year later my mum divorcing him after 18 years of marriage. And within a couple of months, my mum remarried and ***poof*** my life drastically changed forever. I was whisked off by her without any say-so to another life full of new pain. This time worse than before.

I was a "innocent bystander." Who took on all the damaging emotions. Something that should of never been mine to take on in the first place. But, as I have learned in t., a child at such a tender age of 7 or 8 witnessing mummie and daddy fighting, not being able to fully comprehend the intensity of their arguments, will more than likely always place blame on themselves. I cringe just remembering what I felt.

Satan loves to mess with our minds. He uses psychological warfare against us. Fear is his biggest tool. Fear causes us to doubt and worry.

Even though I am still in the process of becoming more "real," and who the real JBR will be, my pseudo side still is evident when it comes to uncertainty. But when I am in the Spirit, I am known to be "the most real." My walls are pretty much down. Freer than any other time. The pseudo side of me does not have to pretend in order to be loved and accepted when I am connected to the Spirit. When I am in the presence of God, in prayer or worship, I present myself I believe as the "real me." Or very close to it.

What was brought on by my parents, my brother and others, I have no excuse now to let it take over and control me. Sure, I still need to continue to work on painful areas that have yet to be healed. And however long it takes (yes I did say that), knowing God is in my healing all the way, and having the support of trusted others, I will finish my race. But, in the right time.