This week has been a struggle for me physically! My body is experiencing some tremendous pain. But, I do not want to blame my physical pain on how I behave totally.
Daddy Help Me to learn "this present lesson/trial" before it is too late. Before I run out of chances and learn a very hard lesson. Despite the constant struggle, You have opened my eyes to see that "it is my insecurities and pain" which makes me react out of fear. And no one elses. For that I am certainly grateful that I am even willing enough to look at my hurt. Let alone admit it! Before, I would not look at myself as the problem. But, now understanding more about emotional pain and how it manifests, I see that I am not immune.
At these times I am so very weak and can find myself beating myself up unmercifully. Full of anger and resentment. Angry at the little one. Despite knowing I need to give her mercy.
Unfortunately the beating up spirals into an array of self defensive mechanisms that end up back firing on me... Making matters worse. Causing guilt and condemnation and fear. Worse of all I get to feeling that "I am bad" because of the way I act. When it comes to feeling that, I know I am really struggling.
I feel like I am stuck in a groove on a 33 1/3 rpm record. I feel I have been so far away from You Daddy this week. When I feel this way, somehow You get filed away and forgotten.
Why is this Daddy? Why do I do this??
Meanwhile....... I feel You have given me yet another chance to rectify a situation. I am getting tired at times of my deliberate disobedience. Why do I do this Daddy? It seems that there remains one part of my la-la land that takes over and figures "I have a right to be disobedient and get away with it." But what I think in my own world that I have a right to do, does not work well in the real world.
Daddy, this is where I remember that "oh yeah, I filed you away this week. Why? I guess I did not need You. Why? I still do not trust You. I still am scared and frightened! Because my flesh wanted to do it on its own. I still do not understand Your love for me. And yet I "Want To Be Loved" and Accepted" so very very much! But, little JBR still hurts inside. And is afraid that even You will not take care of her."
JBR, please don't beat yourself up but know that there is no condemnation in Jesus. And know that God loves and accepts and forgives and heals. Inknow how you feel, I've been there so many times myself and I get so very tired of the battle but God has always proved faithful. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteJBR,
ReplyDeleteIt is beautiful how honestly you speak to God. I have no doubt that you will be victorious, my friend. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm not sure that I have ever wanted to see someone healed as much as I would like to see you healed. Seriously.
(((JBR)))
JBR, the Father (Daddy) is intimately concerned with the whole creation. Even the falling of a sparrow gains His attention. You matter to him very much. Christ said that human beings are of more value than sparrows, and the Father is deeply concerned with His master plan for humanity. He sees your heart aching. Knows you far well than you yourself. He does love you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteThe inner conversation reveals so much and gives insight. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly and honestly. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteYOU HANG ON. YOUR LITTLE GIRL IS REACHING OUT TO HER HEAVENLY FATHER. HE WILL MEET HER WHERE SHE NEEDS.
ReplyDeleteJBR....you are loved! Your Daddy sees you where you are. He is leading you (& the little girl) through all of this so that you and He will be closer than every before!
ReplyDeleteEach day that you wake up, He is taking more and more of the burden and allowing you to heal.
I am thankful that you are sharing your journey with me....even though it's only online....I am blessed to know you! So many of your struggles are VERY familiar to me. Hang in there, JBR...you are NOT alone...we are here and so is your Daddy!
Some days are not easy...but you seem to be quick in acknowledging if you have missed some steps in your journey toward healing. He understands...and is always quick also to reach out and save us. May you always remain strong JBR...God bless.
ReplyDeleteGod is faithful and one day we will be standing in HIS presence, worshiping our Heavenly Father!
ReplyDeletePRAISE GOD!
((((hugs)))) and much love to you, precious one!
Blessings~
Laura
Our Daddy is the best. He loves us just as we are. Don't beat yourself up. He is there with you.
ReplyDeleteHey hon, it is a tough walk, for sure. I believe the struggle will become more intense as we get closer to the return of Jesus.
ReplyDeleteYou are deeply loved and Daddy loves honesty the most. He is meeting you, keep trusting Him.
Love and hugs,
<><
Our Father is always willing to forgive. He loves us with a love far beyond our comprehension. I'll be praying you'll feel His great love.
ReplyDeleteHI JBR....stopped in to say hi....and to tell you still here in your corner routing for you. Hang tight in Him....He's got a hold of you and will never let you down
ReplyDeleteJBR:
ReplyDeleteWhat you express shows so much about your heart. You ARE trusting Jesus, even when your feelings come and go. You know that He is with you, even when you are hurting. You are reaching to Him to heal you... AND HE IS! Keep trusting, in spite of what you feel. HE is your sure rock, the one who will never fail you.
xo
I like your blog very much. We have the same background.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are suffering so much. I have been following you for several years since we had that survivor blog... I lost touch with most. You are amazing... the healing process is very hard, but for one who has made it to the other side... press on... embrace it... allow your body to process... you will move past it once you move through it. with sincere love...
ReplyDeleteI re-read your post.... wanted to add this comment... hope you don't mind input.... Daddy - your Father God - He loves you to the core. He knows everything you have done, everything done to you and everything you think... have thought ....are thinking and will be thinking.... or doing. And He in the midst of it all, chose you! and chose to love you more and still. When we need more grace and love...He always supplies it. Since we are suffering and very much in need, in a precious way, we get to know God's love in a much deeper way than those who have never suffered.
ReplyDeleteKnowing about God is different from believing in God. We can believe God is a loving, accepting God... because we know in our mind with mental assent that He is. The critical key is to move our knowledge from our factual brain mode to our experiential life-surrendering heart mode. When we believe God is what He says He is and does what He says He does... that everything He speaks is truth. We have to choose to believe His truth is true in our own life... letting His truth to speak in and through us.
I always remember that the Enemy of our Daddy know all about Him, but He doesn't experientially know Him because He doesn't believe His words are true for Himself personally. I don't want to be like the emery, I want to say I BELIEVE GOD! I believe everything He says to be truth in my life so much so that I can personalize His Word and put my name in every promise and read it right to my heart.
God loves and totally accepts you, because you are covered in the righteousness of JC... He sees the R of JC when He looks at you and He sees who He created you to be originally and who you are becoming. He choose not to see us in our faults.... that is what unconditional love does. If forgives like we never did anything wrong and only sees the best we are.... embrace they way He sees you... because this is REAL!
So much affirmation that God loves you as you are. Trials are necessary part of life - no matter to what degree - and the final learning of that journey is a never ending conversation with the father. Seems that is where he wants us to be if we can get there, that is where peace lies.
ReplyDeleteHe wants us to trust to him and have faith in him in all things.
Bless you JBR as you find your way to him.