Psalm 73:22-24: “I saw myself so stupid… But even so, you love me!” (vv.22-23 TLB).
Carefully I made out the grocery list so I would not forget anything. I checked off the items as I put them in the grocery basket. When I came to the soft drink aisle, I consulted my list for the brand my family wanted. I reached for the appropriate 24 pack and loaded it in the cart. After reviewing the list, I smiled with a sense of completion. Then I checked out and drove home to put it all away.
As we were emptying the bags, I heard a groan.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“You got caffeine-free regular soda instead of caffeine-free diet soda. How could you do that? Couldn’t you tell the difference?”
Immediately I felt the shame of “not doing it right.” I had tried hard to please everyone by getting all the correct items. How could I have failed?
Then to my amazement, I heard the following words come from my mouth. “I made a mistake.” “No big deal!” I thought. “I goofed, but it doesn’t make me less valuable.”
Slowly I am learning to live with my humanness and imperfection. It’s okay. God loves me anyway.
Copyright 2012 Joan C. Webb
Oh how much this devotion brought back harrowing memories of a painful time in my life where I had a "roommate from hell" living with me. What Joan shared above had happened to me on more than one occasion with the shopping. Not as nicely put by Joan. As my roommate from hell did not mince words.
I was so co-dependent and she was so mean and controlling, that anything she said was doctrine. I was ALWAYS wrong!! I tried to please her to no end. I wanted to be so much accepted and appreciated. She took advantage of me by using me. She also controlled by abusing me mentally and spiritually.
She had so much control over me that I could not even ask her to leave. In my own house even!! There would be days I would leave for hours because I felt frightened, unwanted and threatened. Forced out of my own house by her. Just thinking about those times gives me the creeps.
Back then I would not have responded as Joan did to her in this devotion. Today if this were to happen! YES I WOULD! I am more secure of who I am. Especially in Christ. But back then, the roommate from hell pounded my little girl to a pulp. With cutting words, false accusations and if looks could kill you, they would. She would tell me I was stupid and that I did things on purpose just to upset her. She questioned my spiritual faith constantly.
Setting off emotional pain stemming from both my parents. My father who I was desperately trying to please who mainly did not give me the time of day and always gave the impression that "I should know better," to my mum who would never let me do anything, because I would not do it correctly.
****For those of you who are curious: After putting up with the roommate from hell for three years, she left on her own. But not after accusing me of mentally making her crazy. And yes, at the time I believed it was my fault!
I remember some stories about her that you posted JBR and I thought..."What a horrible time it was!" I'm glad she left. But that doesn't mean those mem'ries don't show up time and time again.
ReplyDeleteBut from that ugly past, may it be a part of your growing up and strengthening up toward complete restoration of the JBR who God loves unconditionally. May you always be strong in God's mighty power!
I can't stand it when people prey on others like that and I'm sorry that you ever had to go through such a thing, JBR. God has done amazing things in your life and I pray He continues to heal and bless you. I can't help but think that God must be very pleased with your courage. You have overcome so many obstacles!
ReplyDeleteYou have conquered so much in your life, my friend. God is good.
JBR....smiling at you ....I just want to say I have the best room mate ever.....Jesus ....He is so gracious and loving, he is kind and peaceful...even in the midst of all my mistakes....my human errors ... He offers me Mercy and Grace and say, Let's do it again....here I will give you my joy as your strength....don'thca' just love HIM.
ReplyDeleteGood for Joan...may we be so bold :)
ReplyDeleteI have allowed myself to be a doormat (as my dear mother in law once informed me)...allowed others to stomp on my feelings...wipe their feet all over me..cause me to feel inferior and inadequate. But,thank God...I am overcoming day by day....No one is perfect...even though many seem to think so...and all in all I seem to believe those type of people that hold themselves so above the rest and incapable of making mistakes ...are indeed the ones who think the least of themselves and or in need of the most pity...just my thinking...bless you
Hey hon,
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like this old room mate of yours had some serious problems herself. I am glad to hear you overcame her eventually. :)
Blessings,
<><
Maybe not pity but,prayers....Thank you Holy Spirit for correcting my thinking....God is good!
ReplyDeleteSee what growth you made?
ReplyDeleteI haven't had a roommate like this, but I have had this type of unbalanced, co-dependent relationship in a friendship and also in a family relationship. NO FUN! To say the least...
ReplyDeleteGlad you are no longer in that situation and that you are so much stronger now. You truly are an inspiration! Thank you for sharing these uplifting thoughts. xx
It seems we sometimes are surrounded by people who focus on our mistakes instead of what we do right. Grocery shopping is an ideal situation, because it so easy to buy the wrong thing or forget one item. After all the work of shopping (and it is work), people actually complain!
ReplyDelete"You should know better," was something I heard over and over as a child. How can you know unless you are taught?
Thanks for being so transparent. God is the potter and thankfully we are willing to stay pliable in His hands. We are His masterpieces!
ReplyDeletekeep going forward!! God is good.
ReplyDeleteSo glad she is gone. Isn't it amazing how people can get into us so deeply and make us feel so useless. She was the evil one!
ReplyDelete