***VERY DIFFICULT TIME***

I was debating whether to post this. Put my pride aside. Put my unworthy excuses away. But, I knew that if I did not, my forward healing progress would be delayed.

I do not know if some of you have noticed my past few posts share how I remain in a valley. Desperately seeking God. Hurting still from being let go from my job. Breaking down. Being "forced" very very scared out of my comfort zone.

Even though my most recent post about me finding a promising road in my valley was encouraging, I also warned about the winding curves not knowing what lies ahead. Well, today I went around the first one. And to the human mind, it was not my promise land. In fact, my valley just got a little deeper.

Not to go into detail, but I would like to ask for prayer. Encouragement. Whatever is placed on your heart to share with me.

What I am presently going through requires MUCH faith. Something I never really relied on before. In essence I want the spirit of fear to be broken. My irrational fears have, for the most part, always ruled my life. For now, these fears have such a stronghold on me. This becomes a very very dark time for me. I could swear at times I feel the struggle in the spiritual realm for my survival. There is a tremendous attack from the enemy. Satan would like nothing more than to win this battle. But he will NOT! I am determined with God by my side that he will NOT!

I have just gotten into a place where I am depending on God more than man. Still at the very early stages. Satan knows this too. And he is not going to let me get off easy.

Today, something came up sooner than expected. Which has brought on irrational fears of monumental proportion. Putting me into panic mode.

I know my fears are irrational. I would be the First to admit this now! I learned and seen this since day one when I went into t. But it is just not that easy.....

For my new readers, and for some of you who may not remember, when I am confronted with irrational fears (fears that some of you may think, "huh, why are you getting so bent out of shape about that?), usually means in my mind I go from A right to Z. "Z" being no hope. The end. Might as well give in and give up. Skipping all other options, reasoning's, answers in between. Paralyzing and affecting my whole physical and emotional being. Panic, loss of appetite, pain, depression etc.

I did not get this way over night. How I reacts is mainly due to my upbringing. The trauma of my parents divorce. My brother sexually abusing me. The many years of isolation because of my pain. The controlling of my mum with my early years into adulthood. She basically doing everything for me. Not to let her little girl (me) get hurt. Having to protect her. Enforcing in my mind that I was not capable of doing anything on my own. Not letting me develop healthy from adolescent to adult. Her extreme irrational fears that I took upon myself.

As a young child, what I saw before my eyes as my family was torn apart. What I felt in my little girl but could not scream out. And only screamed inside. Could not cry. So very angry! Fearful. Shaking. Cowering. Condemning myself. Blaming myself. Hitting myself. Hating myself. Abandonment issues. My little child died inside. Internalized. The pain I could not express in my most dire need as a hurt child. Wanting the hurt to go away in my belly. Wanting the booboo fixed and made better. Wanting comfort. Let me cry and not scold me. Someone to tell me everything will be ok.

Little JBR is really small and scared now. And for the most part if some of you are really tuned in and discerning, you can see when little JBR and big JBR appears in this post.

By God's design today's incident happened the day of my t. Which helped tremendously. I was able to talk some of it out.

With all this being said, I may not be around for a few days to post or come by and see any of your blogs. I do not want you to worry! God will be with me. I will be okay.

This is all part of the healing process. The journey. For me to even reach out and share this post that "I need help" and support from my bloggy friends it a Big Step for me. Admitting that I am hurting really bad and cannot do this on my own. That I need your prayers and encouragement. I will read your comments.

I will be seeking God's will for my next step(s) even more during this time.

Thank you.