Core pain really is painful!
I know I have had a lot of healing these past five years in many areas. With my new job facing authority/responsibility from someone who is job driven and very critical has my little girl shaking in her boots once again. Fearing failure and facing ridicule/criticism is one of the hardest strongholds my Heavenly Daddy and I are going to have to conquer together in order to be set free. This one is a toughie. The tentacles wrap tightly around my heart's core.
Unfortunately, this fear constantly invades my thoughts 24/7. I hate it!
I am frustrated and VERY ANGRY that I am like this. To the point that I am FINALLY, yes I can say it and mean it now, Pissed!!!!!
Pissed at my mum and dad for shaming me and making me feel like crap all these years. Controlling me with this fear and then they not understanding why I cowared and even made it worse by enforcing the fear and telling me that I "should be more responsible and behave like a good little girl."
I am ANGRY that I have to suffer now for what my parents did to me!!! I did not have to turn out like this. It seems weird for me to full out blame my parents now, but I did nothing to deserve this cruelty to my self worth! Now I am justifiebly mad.
Wo--- what a Happy Father's Day! If my father was alive that is. Well, in essence he is, huh?
Even though I know better, I am blaming myself that I am not stronger with my Heavenly Daddy in fighting satan over these awful lies.
Fear and past hurts are exposed raw. Only my Heavenly Daddy can go so deep like no other and get to the root of this hurt.
OUCH is putting it mildly with this surgery! No anesthesia.
There are no words for the kind of tormenting fear that produces physical sickness, false thinking of being a failure and stupid when I feel I cannot accomplish something someone in authority tells me.
Just have to go through it and pray that I do NOT lose sight of my Heavenly Daddy.
What is different about this job when I first started six years ago and left after a year because of the stress and coming back to it again two weeks ago was back then I believed I was this failure. Now, I know I am not. Which makes it even harder and more painful for some reason. My core is exposed. I am too real now and it hurts really bad!
This is not fun Daddy!!
JBR I smell breakthrough! You're on the verge. You're in touch with your anger and placing the blame properly. Sorry for the pain. But as the saying goes, no pain no gain. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteGrace...I agree with onthewaynow (above comment)! You ARE on the verge a huge breakthrough! Hang on!
ReplyDeleteYou continue to feel real, deep down emotional feelings and (I agree!!) you are in touch and dealing with the past, and are taking a step forward to recovery! Hang on tight dear friend; God is using you as a wonderful testimony! :)
ReplyDeleteHave a week full of motivation and determination that you will succeed and conquer!
Blessings,
Denise
It took a job that you used to work at to bring you to the place of surrender. God knows what he's doin. Go with him. He'll direct and reconstruct.
ReplyDeleteLovely picture. Sorry your having it bad.Hope life gets better for you.
ReplyDeleteprayers for peace in the place of torment.
ReplyDeletei used to believe that forgiveness was a long and agonizing process....lots of pain and pressure.
as i came to see Jesus as forgiveness...Christ the forgiver....and ask him to walk to and through whatever the place of painful memory I hold very quickly and then release to him, Christ the forgiver walks to and through that momentary pain and as forgiveness goes, so does the torment.
i think sometimes the enemy likes to get us tangled up in loooooooooong processes of "healing" that is really just torment and distraction.
Jesus is fantastic at what he does. He finishes what he started. Forgivenss is the most beautiful thing...powerful. It's really not an effort. He is the forgiver. He does it. We just yield. As he goes to and through a memory, we just enjoy the fruit which is peace. Prayers that you don't get caught up in a process that takes you the long and hard way when there is provision for more. I did that for years. Trusting God to redeem that time now.
Love and hugs and hope,
Jen
Your time of complete healing is coming.
ReplyDeleteStill here , still listening, still praying for your peace dear Sister.
ReplyDeleteB
i was just working hard on something and it just popped into my mind the comment i left here earlier today; i felt a twinge of something uncomfortable so i came back to re-read what i wrote you and really wish i had re-worded it. it sounds like the very thing i would hate for someone to say to me when i'm hurting. i can't erase it now but send an apology; it doesn't read as gently as i wish. writing is hard that way. i'm sorry if it sounded flip or insensitive.
ReplyDeletebig hug,
Jennifer
(((GRACE)))
ReplyDeletePraying for peace of heart for you. It must be such an adjustment going back to a stressful environment
like this.
The bottom of the pit is always the deepest, darkest, coldest spot ever. I believe you have hit it and soon things will only get better and better.
ReplyDeletePraying and praying for you sweet girl.
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