SUSTAINER

Sustainer has taken on a whole new personal meaning for me.

I am going to be upfront and frank and continue with my vow when I started my blog four years ago that "I would be real." No matter what!

These past few weeks have been very difficult for me. Each second, minute hour are a struggle. Despite my good efforts in calling upon my Comforter to help, I still want to die. I do not mean that flippantly either. I want my existence to end. Period.

I could see I was in touble a couple of weeks ago when I began trying to feel pain by inflicting pain on myself. Something I have not done in ages. To feel. So I inflict.

I have lived most my life without feeling or experiencing love, joy, peace, or happiness. Such a deep void of an abyss. Even though I have learned through many trial and error, I can put on a front/mask as well as the next guy and function in the world. Go undetected with emotional issues. While walking around like a dead zombie.

With all that I have lived without for so many years, depression and lack of hope have been a constant battle in quenching my emotions due to the trauma of the sexual abuse and my parents divorce around the same time when I was seven or eight. Unfortunately blocking the most important elements of love, joy, peace from my Heavenly Daddy to my little girl's heart. My little girl so longs just to be in her Daddy's arms once and for all. Feeling! Just feeling! She is so tired of the pain.

Whatever is triggering me at my job with the people there, I feel very fragile and vulnerable. Cannot take much more.

I have constant reminders of flashbacks of incidents that have become painful to relive in these flashbacks. Two of the main images that are constant are of my father and a past unhealthy relationship. If I were to connect the dots, these two images lead up to guilt and shame and desiring to be loved. Crushing any self worth and any confidence I may have. Making way for fear.

The enemy also gives it his best shot in adding to the flame fearful incidents that I did not see coming.

My Heavenly Daddy is my Healer and Sustainer. He is the only One that has sustained me through this time where I literally want to die. He knows how much I hurt. How much I want to trust Him fully! And I know He knows that I know He is the answer! He will be the One to fully walk with me in this painful time and heal the deepest hurt of fear, shame and guilt.

Although my words may be alarming, I know I will NOT do myself in. I am too chicken. As much as I want to be released from this earthly existence, I will not cause my demise. So you need not worry. This is not a cry out for help, but a cry out of desperation to release as best I can what is going on inside with my little girl.

I journal here in order for my words to describe my pain. And to be real. And to help any other who may be struggling as well.