"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Sunday, June 30, 2013


Sustainer has taken on a whole new personal meaning for me.

I am going to be upfront and frank and continue with my vow when I started my blog four years ago that "I would be real." No matter what!

These past few weeks have been very difficult for me. Each second, minute hour are a struggle. Despite my good efforts in calling upon my Comforter to help, I still want to die. I do not mean that flippantly either. I want my existence to end. Period.

I could see I was in touble a couple of weeks ago when I began trying to feel pain by inflicting pain on myself. Something I have not done in ages. To feel. So I inflict.

I have lived most my life without feeling or experiencing love, joy, peace, or happiness. Such a deep void of an abyss. Even though I have learned through many trial and error, I can put on a front/mask as well as the next guy and function in the world. Go undetected with emotional issues. While walking around like a dead zombie.

With all that I have lived without for so many years, depression and lack of hope have been a constant battle in quenching my emotions due to the trauma of the sexual abuse and my parents divorce around the same time when I was seven or eight. Unfortunately blocking the most important elements of love, joy, peace from my Heavenly Daddy to my little girl's heart. My little girl so longs just to be in her Daddy's arms once and for all. Feeling! Just feeling! She is so tired of the pain.

Whatever is triggering me at my job with the people there, I feel very fragile and vulnerable. Cannot take much more.

I have constant reminders of flashbacks of incidents that have become painful to relive in these flashbacks. Two of the main images that are constant are of my father and a past unhealthy relationship. If I were to connect the dots, these two images lead up to guilt and shame and desiring to be loved. Crushing any self worth and any confidence I may have. Making way for fear.

The enemy also gives it his best shot in adding to the flame fearful incidents that I did not see coming.

My Heavenly Daddy is my Healer and Sustainer. He is the only One that has sustained me through this time where I literally want to die. He knows how much I hurt. How much I want to trust Him fully! And I know He knows that I know He is the answer! He will be the One to fully walk with me in this painful time and heal the deepest hurt of fear, shame and guilt.

Although my words may be alarming, I know I will NOT do myself in. I am too chicken. As much as I want to be released from this earthly existence, I will not cause my demise. So you need not worry. This is not a cry out for help, but a cry out of desperation to release as best I can what is going on inside with my little girl.

I journal here in order for my words to describe my pain. And to be real. And to help any other who may be struggling as well.


  1. Praying for you, Grace.

    Much love, C

  2. Your post is so different from mine, the darkness needing God's light to shine into the hidden, painful places of your existence. May that light pierce your depression and desperation and fill your heart with peace and love.

  3. We all groan to be away from this body to be with the Lord as Paul said...the corruptions here because of sins...and though it's tough to walk by faith at times, may we all learn to continue believing and trusting in the One Who is faithful and true. I pray for you to always be strong in our Lord's mighty power. Take care JBR!!!

  4. Grace, I completely understand this feeling. There have been times over the years when in truth, I just wanted to be dead....I just wanted to not exist anymore. This is very different fromw wanting to commit suicide.

    I will pray for you...that this struggle passes quickly...and that it leaves you stronger. Satan wants to bring you back to the place where you WERE! He wants to erase all that you have accomplished. Don't let him. While you (like me) will probably never be totally healed in this life...you are HEALING! Don't let him take that away from you. Hugs to you, my friend.

  5. Grace,( I just realized that is your name ), I am so glad that you put exactly how you are feeling on your blog. Then those who read it know what you are going through and know what to pray for. I believe I have only had victory over my sicknesses because the Lord Jesus is the greatest warrior we could have. The enemy would love for you to do yourself harm, but that is not what God wants for you. He is concerned for your welfare, not harm. Satan is a liar and a thief, call him what he is when he tries to rob you of what God has for you. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, I will pray for you as well as others. God bless you.

  6. Thanks for being real and honest hon. My life verse is Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Believers in Jesus gain when they leave this world and I believe it is not a bad thing to desire to be with Jesus and resting in His loving arms. The struggles we face here in life will be rewarded when we do get to heaven and just the sight of His face will wash away all the pain and suffering we have endured.

    I am very relieved to hear that you are NOT going to end your life for that would be a very grave mistake. I'm praying you will FEEL His love and feel the prayers of all of us who love you too.

    One day at a time, one footstep at a time. You WILL make it through this low, rough spot.

    Praying and praying for you dear one.

  7. HI GRACE - the little you iis free and has a voice. I see her and feel her. That part of yoyu is strong alive. Embrace it!
    Love Gail

  8. Ah. I feel for you.

    I have not inflicted pain on myself -- not that anyone can prove -- but I have wanted to not exist. The only thing I know about that is if one waits long enough, the feeling may pass.

    So far, the feeling has always passed.

    I admire your honesty.


  9. For different reasons, mostly through severe depression, I too did not want to exist. On top of this I have struggled with feelings of low self-worth, unhappiness, struggled to find work, struggled badly in my relationship with God and at many times I have felt that my life was in a complete and utter mess with no way out at all. And, at various times in my life, I have struggled with issues of lust in my life, whilst being celibate.

    I just wanted to say that you are not alone in the way you feel, even though those feelings are utterly personal to you. Your honesty comes through and is already helping other people in their struggles, and this is something. I won't offer trite 'solutions' but will say keep leaning on God, and perhaps in time you can counsel others who have gone through the same suffering, bringing healing to others and yourself. I pray to God that light begins to shine at the end of the very dark tunnel you've been going down for so long.

  10. I appreciate your honesty, praying for you.

  11. Grace, I am so sorry you are in such pain. I know the feeling of being so tired of the pain that I just wished I could die so I didn't have to feel it. it has been at those times that God has shown up so powerfully in my life. I am praying for you.

  12. Praying for you, Grace, and wishing you peace and freedom from pain. Hugs to you my dear.

  13. Praying for you, Grace.

    I am praying that the fulness of joy that comes from experiencing the presence of God will come to you today...Only God can give this.
    Draw near to Him and he will draw near to you, resist the devil and he will flee from you!
    You are looking for acceptance, and Jesus said:
    "All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out."
    Know that you are loved my dear sister!

  14. ((HUGS)) Keeping you always in my prayers. I pray you can move past this at some point and experience joy. God loves you and so do I. Debby

  15. AnonymousJuly 03, 2013

    JBR your honesty doesn't go un-noticed with God! He hears your cries and loves you. Hang in there my friend. Your on the cuspis of your miracle. God Bless.

  16. I am still struggling too! I thought after so long I should feel better!
    Too many things happening in my life, I am not coping well! My prayers with you too!

  17. I am still struggling too! I thought after so long I should feel better!
    Too many things happening in my life, I am not coping well! My prayers with you too!

  18. Oh Grace - I am sorry that you're suffering so much. From previous posts I know you need your job for financial reasons and my heart goes out to you. I will be praying for you.

    Lord, give Grace inner peace. This is your promise to those who love you. Lift all satanic attacks from her. Encamp your angels around her and guard her as the apple of your eye. I ask this in the name of Jesus, the name above all names. Amen.

  19. Sustainer is a powerful word
    and I'm grateful that the Lord has whispered it to your hurting heart;
    he is nearer than your breath.
    Jesus, walk to and through every pain my friend
    feels, as she feels it, and bring your healing peace
    as only you can.
    love you girl,

  20. I have dropped off for so long...my heart ached as I read your words...have prayed for you periodically while I was away and will pray more specifically now. Trusting that the Lord will cause you to breakthrough this cloud that is trying to encircle you...knowing that in your weakness He will be strong...Daddy, hold her close to you...