I had an interesting question posed to me last night that I really never had anyone ask....
"How do I envision God." See Him physically.
It was interesting because when I do envision God I believe my little girl envisions Him. Because I feel so very little when I see Him in my minds eye. Which is....
Having trouble envisioning my God other than having a blank face. Deadpan. Stocky form. Blonde short hair cut close to the head.
Not the typical answer where someone might say, "I picture God as my mean father." "Stern, critical, judgemental and has angry features." or "I picture God as holding me in his arms lovingly." "Smile on His face, compassion in His eyes."
This still shows me that my heart has not connected to my Daddy's love heart yet.
I felt I could only relate surfacely. Only could describe what I envision Him looking like. Could not put into words anymore than a description. As right now there is NO depth to feelings of my Creator, other than physical features. Not what He really is about. The love, joy etc.
I do not know why I envision Him the way I do. My earthly dad certainly was not blond or stocky. But bald and thin.
Then a thought, maybe from the enemy, was put in to my mind. I was between 7-9 years of age when my brother began sexually abusing me. My brother has blonde hair and is stocky. I do not want to dwell on the possibility of the correlation. As I do not know like I said a thought from the enemy.
Anyway, my earthly dad was distant. And I guess if there is any comparision since I described my Heavenly Daddy having a blank face, deadpan, I guess the neglect and distance of my earthly father would be somewhat similar. I do not know. Or the fear of what love is as what was so intimate and precious was destroyed by my brother of me at such an age I did not even know would be a priceless thing in the future for love, is blocking the intimacy with my Heavenly Daddy. Again I do not know.
My little girl is so very present when it comes to God that my big girl cannot come in. Only little girl words can be used or capture what He may appear to her little mind. Although the older one, when in the Presence of her Heavenly Daddy, sees and feels the manifestation of His presence, still finds it hard for her heart to relate and the little one takes over in a simple way.
I think it is interesting that my little girl is taking bits and pieces of memories, maybe which she feels safe or not with. Then applies these visual aspects to her Heavenly Daddy's features. Again, do not know? Just putting it out there.
Although it may be hard right now for me, I am going to start and envision my Heavenly Daddy more than looks. But, what He really is that is described in the Word. Was told and reminded that my Heavenly Daddy rejoices over me. The word "rejoice" in the Bible means "to dance." So my Heavenly "Blonde" Daddy dances, literally in my human mind over me with gladness and joy.
I may not feel those feeling just yet, but envisioning them is a beginning.
It Is All Or Nothing Now for me!
I hope this makes sense>
JBR powerful observation. You may think you're not in touch with your feelings, but I challenge you to re-read this post again. You're getting closer than you think. It's good that you're not zeroing in on a possibility of a physical appearance. It may be valid, and it may not. It may not even matter in the scheme of things. What matters is where God is taking you in order to feel him fully. Always rooting for you JBR. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteWhen i was 7 years old my mom was a single mom and was working 2 jobs just to make ends meet. I would stay home with her so called step-brother and his wife at night, they lived with us after my father went to jail. I can't go into detail yet but he terrorized me for about two months and the little amazing happy girl who moved into that nightmare house died there and the beautifully broken me emerged and grew up with this horrible secret. I often wonder what my life would've been like if this had never happened. I'm 24 now and a day doesn't go by that I don't think about it. I tried to go to therapy but I wasn't ready to talk about it and my family is no help. I find that it makes people very uncomfortable so they either make jokes about it or just ignore it. As you can tell it's still hard for me to talk about it but I'm really trying to learn to deal with it and try to maybe except it or something.I'm not sure. I have a little girl and well I need some help.I have to raise her and I have to let this go somehow. Your blog and readings help me that someone else knows what's like. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteSL, I'm so, so very sorry for the pain you are living with. Your story really moved me. You are such a brave person. Blessings to you as you seek to work through this. I pray that God will bring you healing.
DeleteFrom reading I couldn't help but think that you are relating love to sex. God is love, He is the fullness of love and when you say that you envision a blond hair God and your brother had blond hair, I couldn't help but think that your little girl believes love is sex and that is why she cannot draw close to Him.
ReplyDeleteI believe what you have revealed here is very deep and I am sure your counselor would be able to help you piece the puzzle together.
Always praying and walking beside you dear one.
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HI GRACE - try and calm your mind, and comfort yourself and lil Grace....for YOU are both mother and father to the little girl in you. You can and must be for her all that she never had. And together you will find peace and freedom. ANd the strength to thrive and live as one.
ReplyDeleteLove Gail/Annie
peace....
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteone thing your description speaks to me of is the 'stocky' bit. With God everything has a spiritual meaning. I believe the 'stocky' here is God showing you that He has power, but He is not talking about physical power. With God the power is spiritual, and I believe He is starting to reveal Himself to you to show you that He is a much greater and more loving power than the character that has dominated your life. God bless you.
Praying for you JBR. I sometimes see God as mean and wanting to get me back, revenge, but He always quiets me with His love to show me He is not that way.
ReplyDeleteThe enemy has well messed up what I see Daddy is, but Daddy is cleaning up the lies with light.
Hugs my dear on this new journey ♥
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteI had to come over and leave another comment because last night while lying in bed you kept coming into my mind, and the picture you have of God. I immediately thought of the blonde hair as 'light' and the blank face brought the scripture 'For now we see in a mirror indirectly, but then we will see face to face. .... when He shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is" (1 John 3:2).'. It is as if God has replaced the image that brought you pain with His image of light, power and the future of seeing His face. God bless you.
Asking God to be very close to you.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of God dancing. That made me smile. I hope you have a good weekend, Grace.
ReplyDeleteit's so fun envisioning. Have a super day out there. Hugs from my heart to yours.
ReplyDeleteI hope and pray for you that you can get to where you envision God as a loving Father that wraps you lovingly and safely in His arms.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I guess I'm weird cause I just cannot come up with a mental picture of God. When I think of Him I just see blinding, beautiful rays of light. I try to picture Him sitting on a throne, but my mind just sees light. I think the best part is that when we get to Heaven, however we pictured Him, oh He will be so much more beautiful than any of us could have imagined! And He'll be perfect, and just what we need. And He'll wipe all your tears and take all your pain away forever and ever!
ReplyDeleteThere are no trite answers to such horror; take every step with God and let Him be your guide in everything.
ReplyDeleteYes, it makes sense and I thought it was very insightful. I love the thought of God dancing over his children with gladness and joy! Wow - that's awesome to envision!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs and prayers for you, my friend!