I am really emotionally raw now.......
The people and authority figures at my job that I deal with daily are triggering me badly. A dysfunctional family unit I find I am walking into every day. Which brings up a lot of my earthly fathers behavior towards me growing up. The impatience, frustration, expectancy, disappointment he displayed with me. If I did not live up to his standards or got on his nerves somehow. No wonder I can be so quiet and rush through things in life. Just to get it over with and not feel I am a bother. Want to please and not be told or looked at that "I am bad." Ugh.
This next segment of my journey will be interesting. The rawness of my pain right now among these people most of the time is very over whelmingly frightening and runs very deep. At this time I have trouble seeing my little girl healing right now. But I guess my Heavenly Daddy does. As He is allowing the pain of hurt to surface once again. Since I shut down so long ago as the pain of feeling like an outcast an orphan and the feeling of lack of worth, separation, guilt, fear, confusion, condemnation, anger hurt so much at one time. Could not handle it so young. Still so young to be honest.
My goodness if I am having trouble handling the pain now as the same little girl that was hurt so long ago, no wonder she shut down. No wonder we all take different avenues to numb the pain. It hurts and is scary as all get-out!!! Don't want to deal with the hurt again.
My little girl is having to face the pain of her past when her daddy ignored her and she turned inside and shut down. Facing daily this new dysfunctional family at work where there is no affection, concern, affirmation, communication or encouragement brings up some painful and frightening feelings for my little one. Walking daily into an environment of uncertainty can result in riddicule, high expectations, pressure to perform that they and I place on my little girl in order to please and hope to win approval. Does not happen.
My little girl's heart is layed right open once again raw.
Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteC
I understand sweet friend, and I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteJBR looks like the Lord is heading you on the latter part of your journey now. Where you either go through the pain or turn away from it again. It's comforting to read that you realize what's ahead, though not pleasant, you're willing to go all the way. Standing with you especially at this time. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteGrace, the Lord is taking you through similar pressures that you faced in your past, but this time He is with you and when you are weak He is strong, and I mean very strong. Trust Him with all of your heart as He brings you into each trial, don't lean on your own understanding, and you will come out renewed. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI love Brenda's comment above. Your Heavenly Father is with you always. ALWAYS! Draw strength from him. He will get you through this. Hugs to you my friend.
ReplyDeletewishing you a beautiful Wed.:)
ReplyDeleteOh hon, my heart just aches for what you are enduring. I so wish I could make it all better for you, but of course, I cannot. Father knows best and He knows you are ready for this or He wouldn't have opened this door for you. Yes it hurts and the emotions you are going through feel so overwhelming, let them flow hon, for in the flowing out there is cleansing and you will see you are still standing strong on Jesus. He IS carrying you through this.
ReplyDeletePraying and praying for you dear one.
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You are worthy of all that is wonderful and your strength is amazing.
ReplyDeleteMadison:)
I could sense the difficulty as I also work in a difficult environment. No! Not the job but the people I deal with. May you always remain strong in the Lord's power. Take care JBR!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, Grace. May Christ's peace be with you.
ReplyDeleteI am praying that God will be the strength to get you through this raw time. It's hard but He can and He will because He loves you.
ReplyDeleteGod holds you in His hand and your walls are ever before Him JBR. God knows what He's doing if we don't sometimes. God has great plans for you and we are called according to His purpose. A breakthrough comes when times get harder, praying and hugs dear friend ♥
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