I still do not like talking about myself. It is ever so evident still especially in a group setting. Sure, I have improved from the little girl who was afraid to even open her mouth a few years ago.
I find myself continually hurrying through what I have to say. Even feeling in my brain the childness of my thoughts. If that makes any sense.
Obviously my belief system continues to some degree believing that I am not worthy of sharing personal experiences. That I have a voice and that I am important. The lies still creep in. I wonder at times if I am even making sense and if I come over as a bore. People will get tired of me. That is how I sensed my father was with me. Even into adulthood.
The other day there was an incident at work where one of my coworkers triggered something in me by her behavior and ridicule and smirkness towards me. That is what my father used to do to me. Making me feel worthless and unimportant and not giving me an opportunity to express my feelings. He would shut me down somehow by either telling me to be quiet or showing it in his demeanor towards me. I felt he was not genuinely concerned about me and what I had to say.
I am sure I project onto God. Of all Father figures. That I am not important to God. Probably why love is so hard for me to receive from my Heavenly Daddy.
I have to end on some kind of a postive note......(1) I have come a long way baby from just five years ago; and (2) a few years back I would not even be able to recognize this trigger from my coworker as a problem area in my past that needs healing.
You are worthy of reaching for the greatest accomplishments Grace…and you are worthy of achieving them, no matter what other people think of you! :) God made you unique, and you are special. You are creative and effective, and have much value to offer, regardless of your past or what anyone has told you.
ReplyDeleteBlessings and love sweet sister,
Denise
Dearest JBR, as always you're kind so kind to me. Thank you for visiting.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to share a little personal experience regarding your post. As someone who chose to immigrate to this country, someone who isn't a refuge, neither sucking the blood out of the government or any charity, working as hard as anyone around me, still similar behaviors as the ones you experience, fills my most days. I guess my point is, a family member in the past, coworkers, a romantic partner or even strangers look upon us throw "filters', and the pigments of my skin, the color of my hair, somebody's weight or looks.. will define how they'd like to treat others.
At the end, I try to remember that my worth is how much faith in God's words I have, how resilient I am against the ignorance, and how much I truly care about a fellow victim of such behaviors. And you dear JBR, as long as I have known you throw what you write, have proven to me that you're worthy of it all. The courage and honesty you have in terms of facing all the issues from your past, amazes me.
I'd like to see a post on your blog one day, that you have found someone "worthy" of "you".
God Bless You always.
You are more than worthy of sharing your personal experiences and I'm glad you do. That's how you are growing and helping others such as myself. Thank you always for your honesty and humility, you are a treasure.
DeleteMadison:)
HI GRACR - your truth is your fre4edom and your strength and your purpose. Some times it is more than enough to "be" it by example with no words. Many cannot or will not 'hear' but they will see.
ReplyDeleteLove to you
Gail
peace......
JBR, I think it's great that you recognized how your coworker triggered you. I think recognizing things is half the battle, because how can we fight it if we don't know what "IT" is?
ReplyDeleteI too have someone in my life who made me feel incredibly insignificant and to this day I fight the feelings of worthlessness. I think it will be a life-long struggle, but it gets a little better all the time.
Hugs.
JBR I was off a couple of weeks so I've had to catch up on my blogs. You've been having a rough time I see. Always glad to read how the promise of God's love some how finds your heart. Even if you don't know it or feel it. You remain a special person to him and many of us. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteHi JBR,
ReplyDeleteeverything is for a purpose. I believe the incident with your co-worker was to strengthen you in this area not to take on board what these kind of remarks set out to do. Do not accept words that are intended to put you down, accept what God says. 'For God so loved the world'. What could be better than being loved by God?.
Grace you are a person of value and worth. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. You are a child of God.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are making progress in your therapy even though it is a struggle, and it's good that you can step back and recognize that progress is being made.
Wishing you peace.
You are very worthy my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are learning lots hon. Seeing this trigger point is another step toward tearing away another layer of hurt and lies you have been dealt.
ReplyDeletePraying for you during this rough spot.
<><
maybe 'talking to myself' holds the key
ReplyDeleteWishing you a beautiful Sunday.....hope it shines in every way.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true JBR! I can totally relate! Yesterday at work a coworker shoved me into another department like nothing. I got so angry because people take my nice as a weakness. They always want to put me on the backburner and tell me what to do. It made me so mad and Jesus told me to calm down. I obviously need healing in that area as well.
ReplyDeleteI always feel people get tired of me too, that's why I say, "people always leave me..." and it's such a burden that needs healing too.
Hugs JBR ♥