PAIN in the CHANGE

“Change is not a race. The change process can not be rushed. We often want to 'hurry it up', but we can't. Change that is real and long lasting requires patience and perseverance. When we have been practicing our dysfunctions for decades, we can expect that unlearning them will also take time. (excerpt from Dale and Juanita Ryan)

When we are in so much pain and turmoil, who would not want the pain to go away instantly? Who would not want the pain of abuse of any kind, whether substance, domestic, physical, emotional, sexual, etc. to vanish right away?

I would want the process of change to speed up so that ‘my mind can finally fuse with my heart in order that I could actually feel once again!’

After being sexually violated as a young child by a family member, I shut down by stuffing my emotions, turning within and basically denying something “bad” happened to me. To make matters worse, at the same time the abuse was going on my alcoholic parents were arguing and not getting along. At times I found myself within earshot of my parents arguments, or even being present, and witnessing my mother and father yell and cut one another apart. My insides churned up as the tears fell from my eyes and me voicing to them “to stop.” (One of the rare times I remember crying as a child, and actually was in touch with my feelings) The arguments were getting louder and directed more and more at one another. Some times, their anger would verbally be directed to us children. My father would often use the phrase, “Children are best seen and not heard,” and “You are a burden.” I quickly learned to not voice an opinion or if I did say it quickly. Divorce ensued shortly thereafter. Family split up literally. I got the rough end of the deal as I had to move away from my home state, friends, father, family and live with mother and new husband in new state and live a Father Knows Best/Leave It to Beaver life like nothing ever happened. But Now I Am Finding Out That It Did……over four decades later.

So, it is hard to ask change to hurry up. As much as I too want the pain to go away, I know (and this is my personal belief only) I must learn something through this painful journey I am on. I know for one thing, God disapproves of ANY kind of abuse and suffering!!! I do not have the answers to why He lets certain things happen. I certainly do not want to dwell the rest of my life on His reasoning’s of things, otherwise I would be God myself. I just want to get healthy both in mind and body and obey, as best as I can at this stage in my life, and find the purpose that He initially had planned for me.