CONTROL that BINDS

The following problem area is what I am working on in t.

Today became so evident what I am actually doing.

Scenario:
Long holiday (USA) weekend.
Have a controlling mother.
Have a controlling mother who administer guilt when she does not get her way.

With the above in mind I went into planning mode last night, thinking I would be clever to see what would best fit me in getting away with seeing my mother as little as possible this extended weekend. So, I came up with, I would go over to her first thing this morning (Friday) and spend a couple of hours. A couple of hours is (2) correct? Obviously not according to her standards.

I was well prepared for the ‘surface talk’ that we would engage in and the “let’s do this and that” (without asking if I wanted to do “this or that” in the first place, it is always assumed I do), so I was well prepared what to expect as it was a given and manageable by me saying “no.”

Okay, through all of this, even though I “think” I am in control here, “she is still in control.” Yes, because I feel I have to fill my obligation as a daughter to not feel GUILTY to not feel SHAME to not feel I am a BAD girl if I do not oblige, I can go on and on.

Here I think I am doing everything on my own terms, when I am not. In the first place, I did not want to go over to see her !! Secondly, I did not even want to see her at all until Sunday when I meet up with her at church! Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

So, how am I doing now you ask? I am pissed/angry! Pissed at myself because I still give into fear, guilt, shame and weakness and whatever else comes with it.

But, there is a positive side to this and I am proud to say:

“I am also pissed at her for all these years of shaming me into believing that I am this “bad girl” if I do not do what I am told!”

Never could admit let alone mean that until recently!