"Yet a time is coming
and has now come when the true worshipers will worship
the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the
kind of worshipers the Father seeks." - John 4:23

My Heavenly Daddy is healing
me from the inside out.

Transparency is Real.
Many times painful.

Daddy let me be secure in You only!

Friday, July 03, 2009

CONTROL that BINDS


The following problem area is what I am working on in t.

Today became so evident what I am actually doing.

Scenario:
Long holiday (USA) weekend.
Have a controlling mother.
Have a controlling mother who administer guilt when she does not get her way.

With the above in mind I went into planning mode last night, thinking I would be clever to see what would best fit me in getting away with seeing my mother as little as possible this extended weekend. So, I came up with, I would go over to her first thing this morning (Friday) and spend a couple of hours. A couple of hours is (2) correct? Obviously not according to her standards.

I was well prepared for the ‘surface talk’ that we would engage in and the “let’s do this and that” (without asking if I wanted to do “this or that” in the first place, it is always assumed I do), so I was well prepared what to expect as it was a given and manageable by me saying “no.”

Okay, through all of this, even though I “think” I am in control here, “she is still in control.” Yes, because I feel I have to fill my obligation as a daughter to not feel GUILTY to not feel SHAME to not feel I am a BAD girl if I do not oblige, I can go on and on.

Here I think I am doing everything on my own terms, when I am not. In the first place, I did not want to go over to see her !! Secondly, I did not even want to see her at all until Sunday when I meet up with her at church! Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

So, how am I doing now you ask? I am pissed/angry! Pissed at myself because I still give into fear, guilt, shame and weakness and whatever else comes with it.

But, there is a positive side to this and I am proud to say:

“I am also pissed at her for all these years of shaming me into believing that I am this “bad girl” if I do not do what I am told!”

Never could admit let alone mean that until recently!

26 comments:

  1. stuck-in-the-middleJuly 03, 2009

    JBR thats just not fair. So very sorry your weekend is starting out crummy. You hang in there JBR!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You say it!

    I went 1 1/2 years not talking to my parents. I had to distance myself from them in order to further myself in my healing process. I found that whenever I would see them I would resort back to my old "fake" ways and I couldn't keep backsliding like that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, you DO have control...the feelings, the guilt, the thoughts are all yours and all under your control. Slam a big old imaginary "ERASE" down on any thought that is guilt or shame related and move on...duty done, mother visited, move on, that moment does not exist anymore, this is a new now and it's all yours!

    The control is not in her actions, it's in yours and you have the ability to change your actions if you choose and indeed your thoughts, even if the actions remain the same.

    Have a great rest of your weekend!

    Breeze
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. About 2 years into my abuse I started acting out and turned - with 8 years - into a very bad misbehaved girl -according to EVERYONE. Didnt made me feel any better. It occured fairly often that my mother wanted to slam my butt for misbehaving. I was small child and I was running like hell - she was big and heavy and had the odds against her to ever catch me ( well, today I know, but back then... ) Anyway, my fear of getting hit was incredible but I stopped the chase, let down my pants turned around to her and said: "hit me, just do it. Go ahead". She turned and walked away, never tried to hit me again, I got her off my back! The abuse thru my step father however she didnt stop. Not sure why I didnt apply a similar strategy towards my step father surely I was to much damaged already to come up with something. Dear one, I will be thinking of oyu over this weekend. It is hard,but there is a way out of these controlling issues. I prooved it. You can too in due time. Keep u in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This present anger of the situation has passed (not that I stuffed it, as it is very capable of surfacing once again). The situation, did what it was supposed to do, and that was to show me where I need to continue to grow and improve on.
    * * *
    Paula, thank you for sharing something so very painful (no pun intended). Blessings.

    Breeze where did you blow in from? Nah.....appreciate your stern comment dear one. Blessings.

    Yaya, thanks for sharing, I hear ya,ya-ya..

    stuck-thanks for the concern. I can still have a good weekend, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It still amazes me the grip other people's emotions and behaviors can have on us. However, just as they do what they wish, we have the right to say no and do as we wish. I understand how difficult it can be to fully implement that. One of my main struggle areas is letting other's emotions and behavior control me. It'll be a struggle but I'm sure you can improve! Realizing that feeling that guilt and shame is wrong is an important step! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousJuly 03, 2009

    There you go again being Really real. Sorry for the turmoil you're experiencing now with your mother. Hey it can only get better as you become stronger.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My thoughts are always the same - whether it is about you, me, or someone else.

    Keep working your program, pray, keep doing your best and things will get better.

    PG

    ReplyDelete
  9. Comforting words from you PG, thank you.

    I quite agree with you there anonymous. Things can only get better as I do. Thank you.

    IssueKnitter, thank you for your encouragement in this regard. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh dear, it did appear stern didn't it! Tone so gets missed on the internet!

    Read it again but imagine a celebration of self empowerment, an "I am woman hear me roar" type of tone, with an undercurrent of joy and happiness! You did everything you knew how to do with the tools you've been handed in life, you tried, that's all we all can do.

    Then follow it with a peaceful calmness that takes back the moment and makes it perfect!

    I am so not a kick on the butt person, more of a take you by the hand and help you along one, but that did come across as a kick on the butt didn't it. I apologize.

    Breeze

    ReplyDelete
  11. Not much I can add to all the wonderful comments you've received. As you continue to work through your emotions you'll grow stronger and stronger.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Breeze, no offense taken!

    I was not offended at all. I sensed in your writings the determination, and I appreciated it and said so. Thank you for coming back dear one! :)

    AD, as always even through your own struggles and hardships, I appreciate your comments, thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. can so relate. You deserve to have your own life and make your own choices. Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  14. I so get this, so understand it, have lived it and am living it still. One moment I can put boundaries in place and the next minute I am complacent. It is a long journey, one not easily traveled nor quickly resolved. Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sarah and W&W thank you for your comments.

    I do want my own life, so much I cannot tell you!!! Yes, it is not always an easily traveled journey, espeically as I am typing this I am in such pain emotinally. . . but like with everything else, this will pass. Thank God for that, He has made a way....brought me to my knees once again.....it ain't easy, as much as I want to let go, it ain't easy

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dear JBR, when I read about your mom, I thought: "God, I have one of those!" I love my mom and all, but she always had a way of making me feel guilty too. Everytime she didn't get her way, she made a drama, and asked "What are you doing to me?!". I was an adult, I was feeling suffocated and I had to let it go and make my choices and decisions. I tried to explain that the Love I feel for her doesn't change (I think her problem really is insecurity). Thank you for the story.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You are doing great, yes you used that anger to propel yourself into taking care of your needs.
    Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Vicky, thank you for the encouragement. Blessings.

    Sylvia, thank you for sharing your own personal story with your mother. Glad you were able to break free.

    ReplyDelete
  19. JBR may you find peace very soon and be able to handle these trials that are pounding

    ReplyDelete
  20. I'm glad there is a positive side. The impact our parents have on our lives is so amazing and far-reaching. So amazing too that so many are not qualified to be parents.

    In this case I would say your anger is good. Keep going kid-- you're going to get where you need to be.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You have one more thing to be proud of...U recognized it this time BEFORE you went over to her house and went thru the control ritual. Recognizing is a BIG step in the process.

    Blesssings, hugs, and prayers, andrea

    ReplyDelete
  22. I am very proud of you, bless you for trying so hard. God loves you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Was already approached first thing this morning by my mother who wanted me to come back over and spend the day. "no thank you" was my reply, and of course her tone of voice went into guilt mode, which I ignored and told her to have a good day. Bye bye....

    Denise, Tricia, Strawberry and Andrea, thank you all for your continued encouragement and prayers and pointing out things. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  24. getting angry is a good start. (dare i say this???)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Dare away Shadow, I certainly agree! Part of the process to healing..... :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Praise God that in Him we have a Father who does not use emotional blackmail to control us, nor does He tear our character to pieces. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

    ReplyDelete